Bowser's Apprentice

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 4

Bowser: Welcome back to the show known as Bowser's Apprentice. I am Bowser Koopa, the egomaniacal host of this contest, and also the King of the Koopas, which is my other minor title. There are 9 contestants remaining in this contest, after I fired former fan-favorite Fawful for failing miserably to do what he was told to do in a level-building and testing contest. It's just about time for those 9 to get in here.

The nine contestants come hopping out of a warp pipe along with Roy and Larry.

Bowser: Welcome to today's challenge! After amazingly all nine of you contributed to your teams last episode, I have decided to up the difficulty for this episode. We Koopas have been known for causing all sorts of trouble throughout the Mushroom Kingdom. Causing a big controversy is what we are very good at, as confusing Mario's pals is conducive to a victory for my Troopas in any sort of conflict. While trying to create such a conflict that even Mario and Luigi would be confused is something I do not want to attempt at this time, my goal is for each of your teams to start a separate riot in the Mushroom Kingdom. I'm not talking for you to start fireballing everyone in sight, though.

Fiery: What?!

Bowser: This isn't about killing innocent civilians! This is about figuring out a way to get these citizens turned on Princess Peach or each other, so that their normally anti-Koopa opinions will be shattered, and they will be more inclined to fight against Peach. I will send one team to Toad Town, and another to Koopa Village, where I hope you will cause trouble among those peaceful Mushroom Kingdom citizens. Get them angry! Get them mad! Get them in such a fit of rage that they go to desperate measures to get themselves out from Peach's control, and away from each other's peaceful company! You have five hours to do this!

King Boo: You expect the impossible!

Bowser: Maybe I do, but my apprentice will be asked to do harder things than this! This is something no Koopaling has successfully accomplished since Roy, Morton, and Ludwig fought Piranha Plants in a couple of 1999 Koopa Hockey League games in order to stop those pro-Mario Piranhas from winning their fourth straight KHL title! This may have nothing to do with sports this time, but if you are able to do well at this, you will prove that you can break up even the strongest Mario alliance!

Koopa Troopa: This is confusing.

Bowser: How else can I explain it? Start a riot! Get these innocent civilians to no longer be so innocent! Make them on my side!

Whomp: How will you know who wins?

Bowser: Roy and Larry will be my eyes and ears and mouth and nose, my head, shoulders, knees, and toes. They will see which of the two teams is able to cause more trouble. They are well-experienced in this matter.

Roy: I remain the only Koopaling to ever to get Toad to fight Mario!

Larry: That's because you ate a banana peel, threw it out on a Mario Kart track, and spun out Toad, who thought Mario threw it at him! You got lucky!

Roy: I'd rather be lucky than good!

Bowser: This episode's team leaders are: for the Old-School Obtuse Ones, Croco, and for the New-School Nonsensical Novices, King Boo!

Larry: I didn't quite hear that clearly, could you repeat it?

Bowser: *ahem* The team leaders are Croco for the Old-School Obtuse Ones, and King Boo for the New-School Nonsensical Novices!

Roy: What was that?

Bowser: I said, the team leaders are Croco and King Boo, for the Old-Schoolers and New-Schoolers, respectively!

Larry: What?

Bowser: Stop it! Anyway, Koopa Troopa cannot be fired this episode, due to his team winning the challenge while he was the team leader.

Koopa Troopa: Yes!

Bowser: But if you dare to quit on your team like Panser did, you won't be surviving long!

Koopa Troopa: Don't worry, I won't.

Bowser: So now, jump into the warp pipe marked for your team, and you'll find out where you got chosen to go when you arrive there. "Bad Luck" Larry is going with the Old-School team this episode, and Roy is going with the New-School team this episode.

Larry: I don't like that nickname!

Roy: There's no doubting it; the teams you work with are 0-3!

Bowser: Well, get going!

The teams and Koopalings hop in the correct warp pipes.

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Koopa Troopa: I knew it!

Panser: "Welcum 2 R Koopa Village." Yes, this is the height of civilization right here.

Fiery: I hope Troopa's not planning on quitting.

Croco: He better not! I'm on the chopping block this week as the team leader!

Sumo: Maybe he should just to hurt you.

Croco: Isn't that illegal?

Panser: No.

Fiery: Panser's right. In the second episode, Panser almost got me fired by quitting, and so far, he's gotten away with it.

Croco: So you're quitting, Troopa?

Koopa Troopa: I'm not getting some of my friends mad at me!

Sumo: You won't be getting them mad at you! You'll be getting them mad at Peach, and maybe each other!

Koopa Troopa: I refuse to get them mad at each other!

Fiery: What's wrong with you? Are you a Koopa, or one of Mario's minions posing as one of Bowser's minions, like Kooper?

Koopa Troopa: I'm neutral.

Panser: Get out of this contest, then! This is for real Bowser supporters!

Koopa Troopa: I want the million coin salary!

Fiery: I knew he'd say that.

Croco: Fine, we'll get you to work with us whether you like it or not.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

King Boo: Toad Town!

Petey Piranha: Is that good or bad?

Whomp: Probably bad. These are natural Peach supporters here.

Tap Tap: Koopa Troopas are Koopas gone good. These are still Peach-supporting Toads. They'll be harder to turn.

King Boo: We're the smaller group! Why do we get stuck with the harder group?

Petey Piranha: Cheer up! If we do well, we'll really impress Bowser, because it's harder on us than it is on the other team!

King Boo: Very true.

Whomp: So, how are we going to do this?

King Boo: We're going to get these Toads upset at Peach by announcing that Peach is enforcing new taxes on them.

Tap Tap: But Peach isn't-

King Boo: I know Peach isn't enforcing new taxes! Work with me here!

Tap Tap: Okay.

King Boo: Let's go over there to that loser and tell him the news.

The team goes over to the Toad.

Petey Piranha: Hey, buddy, Peach is enforcing new taxes on all members of Toad Town!

Whomp: Yeah, 80 percent of your income and 150 extra coins per day that you live in this town!

Russ T: What else is new? That tax has been in place for years! Since we don't have to pay for our houses and property, nor any utilities, it's actually a good deal.

King Boo: Never mind.

The team goes away from the Toad.

Whomp: Good thinking, King Boo!

King Boo: Well, you think of something!

Whomp: I can't.

Petey Piranha: I got it!

Tap Tap: Oh no.

Petey Piranha: We'll tell the Toads in a town meeting that Mario is spreading mud and graffiti all over the town!

Tap Tap: How original.

Whomp: Who's going to be spreading the mud and graffiti around?

Petey Piranha: I will, of course!

King Boo: In broad daylight?

Petey Piranha: When they go to sleep!

King Boo: It's noon, you idiot! Do Toads sleep during the afternoon?

Petey Piranha: We'll have to do it in a sneaky fashion, then.

King Boo: You do that while the rest of us start a riot in a smarter, more effective way.

Petey Piranha: Fine!

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Koopa Troopa: Alright, alright, I'll help!

Croco: Good.

Sumo: Aw... I was about to tie the game!

Fiery: Playing football with Koopa Troopa as the football is not the way I thought we would start this challenge.

Sumo: I guess I'm not that bad of a kicker, after all.

Koopa Troopa: It's not fair! You guys were kicking field goals and throwing long passes on every play!

Panser: Now how are we going to start the riot?

Croco: My idea is for us to go from house to house saying great things about Peach and Mario. Then, after we go to all the houses, we go back and start stealing things, and make an escape. By the time we get out of there, they'll be jumping into warp pipes going to Peach's Castle in order to protest our actions!

Fiery: Brilliant!

Panser: I hope this works.

The team members split up and start knocking on the doors of the houses.

Sumo: Hello. I am a big supporter of Peach and Mario.

Kolorado: So am I. What's your point?

Sumo: I just wanted to let you know.

Kolorado: You need help!

Kolorado slams the door shut.

Kolorado: I wish I was still in Dry Dry Desert.

Croco goes to a different house.

Croco: Hey, I want to tell you how great the Mario Brothers are!

Kooper: I know! I got Mario's autograph! Look at this signed football!

Croco: So, you're a big Mario fan as well?

Kooper: Don't you remember Paper Mario?

Croco: Oh, yes, you were his pal!

Kooper: Wow, someone remembers me as Mario's pal!

Croco: Speaking of that, remember me as Mario's pal, as that's who I am as well.

Kooper: Sure thing.

Croco: I'll see you some other time, Mario's pal!

Kooper: You too!

Croco leaves the house.

Croco: (whispering) Yes! I got him right where I want him. Now I'll just wait a while and rob his house. I'll steal his autographed football!

Meanwhile, Fiery is at a different house.

Fiery: I would like to let you know how great Mario is.

Tim Troopa: Is this a joke? He's been a terrible quarterback this season for the Mario Mushrooms football team, and an even worse coach! I'd rather see Luigi in there!

Fiery: Did I say Mario? I meant Luigi!

Tim Troopa: Yeah, Luigi's living in his brother's shadow, but he's much better than Mario.

Fiery: I agree. Let Luigi carry the ball 25 times a game, and they will be winning like crazy.

Tim Troopa: Well, not if Mario's coaching poorly on defense.

Fiery: You're right. Well, I got to go now.

Koopa Troopa visits a house as well- his own!

Koopa Troopa: While those losers are off trying to ruin my hometown, I'll call everyone up and tell them not to riot! First, Travis Troopa.

As Koopa Troopa calls up Travis Troopa, Panser heads over to Travis' house, hoping to talk to him. By the time Panser arrives there, Travis has been warned by Koopa Troopa not to let anyone in.

Panser: Anybody home?

Panser knocks like crazy. Finally, he starts fireballing the door, which burns down.

Travis Troopa: I'm calling up the Mario Brothers! They'll take care of you!

Panser: You shouldn't do that!

Travis Troopa: Oh, yes I should!

Travis starts looking through a phonebook for the Mario Brothers' Plumbing and Beating the Daylights Out of the Koopas Company. Panser runs out of the house, trying to warn his teammates.

Panser: The Mario Bros. are coming! The Mario Bros. are coming!

Fiery: How do you know they're coming?

Panser: Some stupid Troopa is calling them up!

Croco: Rats! Things were about to work out perfectly over at Kooper's house, as I had everything figured out!

Sumo: Hey, where's Koopa Troopa?

Fiery: Not here... was that him?!

Panser: No, this one had a blue shell, and Troopa's shell is green. I bet he's doing his job correctly... he's had enough punts by Sumo for today.

Croco: Maybe he just threatened that.

Mario and Luigi come hopping out of a warp pipe.

Sumo: Maybe not!

Mario: You're-a gonna pay!

Mario and Luigi start throwing fireballs at the four team members besides Koopa Troopa (Larry finds a hiding place to watch the action). The team members are yelling, causing many Troopas to come out of their homes.

Kooper: Hey, what are you fireballing my new friend for, Mario?

Tim Troopa: Luigi! This guy's one of your fans!

Kolorado: These guys are idiots! Get them, Mario Brothers!

Kooper: I'm sorry, Kolorado, but the Mario Brothers are wrong this time!

Tim Troopa: Yeah, you're wrong, Kolorado!

Kolorado: Why, I'll get you!

Kooper and Tim Troopa start fighting Kolorado. More Koopa Village residents come out of their homes, taking up sides and fighting. Mario and Luigi see the fighting and try to stop it themselves, but find themselves being fought by some of the Koopa Village residents. The team members find one of the houses to hide in while the fight gets really big.

Croco: We did it!

Sumo: I can't believe it!

Panser: Is this really happening?

Fiery: And we're doing it without Troopa's help!

Koopa Troopa: *gulp*

Old-School Obtuse Ones besides Koopa Troopa: Troopa!

Koopa Troopa: I tried to stop you guys, but I guess I failed.

Fiery: Don't worry, we'll make sure you get fired in a couple of episodes.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

King Boo: I think our best bet is to... well, to-

Whomp: Just say it, King Boo!

King Boo: I wish I could say it! I don't know!

Tap Tap: Why can't we do something like yelling in the streets?

King Boo: How is that going to help?

Tap Tap: It isn't, but it would sure be a lot of fun.

Whomp: Maybe Petey was right.

King Boo: I agree. Let's go help him mess up this town.

King Boo and Whomp leave Tap Tap in the middle of the streets.


Tayce T: Mario and Luigi have protected us many times!

Minh T: Peach is a great princess!

Russ T: I play for their football team!

Tap Tap: Oops.

Meanwhile, Petey Piranha is spitting something all over some houses.

King Boo: Hey, we've come to help you!

Whomp: Yeah, we'll make messes just like you wanted us to!

Wooster: A couple more losers. You'll have to help your pal clean up the houses he made dirty. He is busy spitting water on them, to help clean up the mess he made.

King Boo and Whomp then see a ton of Toad Town police officers.

King Boo: We were only fooling!

Wooster: I'm sure. Now get to work!

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Sumo: Can we play some more football with Troopa?

Croco: We can't get out of this house. It's dangerous to go out there. Mario and Luigi are kicking Troopa shells like crazy, and I can only hope they don't break-


Koopa Troopa: My window!

Fiery: Great. Time's up. How are we going to make it back to Bowser?

Panser: Let's just run for the warp pipe!

Croco: And get killed in the process?

Panser: Not killed... just severely injured.

Croco: You go right ahead. I'll think of something else.

Larry: (shouting from next to the warp pipe) Hey, losers! It's time to go!

Fiery: It's just like him to act like it takes nothing to go over there.

Sumo: (looking in a closet in Koopa Troopa's house) Hey, what is this?

Croco: A Starman!

Koopa Troopa: That's my last one!

Croco: And it's a perfect time to use it!

Fiery: I thought those only worked on Mario and company.

Panser: No, that's one of the biggest myths around, misconceived from the fact that everyone saw Starmen pass through bad guys in old games and said they didn't work on bad guys. That was due to the 2D view of a 3D world, as the Starmen in fact did not pass through the bad guys, though it looked like it did from the 2D view.

Croco: Right. Everyone, grab the Starman and let's go!

The team members, all touching the Starman, come out of Koopa Troopa's house and jump in the warp pipe, which Larry just entered.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Roy: Hey, it's time to go! In fact, you're two minutes late!

Wooster: These three still have work to do!

King Boo: But we've got to go!

Wooster: By whose orders?

Whomp: Peach's!

Wooster: Peach's?

King Boo: Yeah, Peach needs us to visit her at 5PM, and we're two minutes late already!

Wooster: That dumb princess! She gives me this job, in charge of the entire police force of Toad Town, and then changes the rules on me! Let's go get her!

Wooster and his police force go charging towards Peach's Castle, yelling and screaming and causing more commotion in Toad Town. This distracts the Toads who were guarding Tap Tap from yelling any more anti-Mario statements.

King Boo: Let's go, Tap Tap!

Petey Piranha: You're a genius, Whomp!

Whomp: King Boo helped me out too!

King Boo: We've got this one won!

Tap Tap: (running over to the others) Really?

Petey Piranha: Yeah, Whomp and King Boo thought quickly and started a last-second riot.

The team members and Roy jump in the warp pipe.

Bowser's Castle

Bowser: Well, well, well, you guys have caused a lot of commotion, and from breaking news reports, commotion is still being caused as we speak! How did the Old-School Obtuse Ones do, Larry?

Larry: They got Koopa Village residents to start fighting each other, and then those residents started fighting Mario and Luigi! It was a beautiful sight, seeing all those pro-Mario Troopas get kicked around, as well as the Mario Brothers having trouble at the same time! This team did a brilliant job, and even Koopa Troopa, who refused to help, ended up indirectly getting the Mario Brothers there and making the riot enormous!

Bowser: You guys outdid my expectations! We have four contestants who look like they're ready to be my apprentice, and one who got lucky... unless that was his secret plan! Hey, you guys did great! I can't believe how well you did! But, Roy, did the New-School Nonsensical Novices outdo them?

Roy: Whomp and King Boo got Wooster extremely mad at Peach by telling him that Peach needed them to be at a meeting at 5PM, while they were cleaning up houses for Wooster. Wooster brought the entire Toad Town police force with him to Peach's Castle, causing commotion in Toad Town along the way.

Bowser: News reports have it that things are out of control at Peach's Castle, with Mushrooms fighting Mushrooms, and Peach having to go into hiding, due to the fact that Mario and Luigi are off still kicking around Troopa shells in Koopa village. Wait a minute. there are reports of another riot! Oh, never mind... that's just Crazy Packers Fan throwing a fit because the Red Sox are on their way to the World Series. So anyway, that riot at Peach's Castle was quite an impressive one that you New-Schoolers caused.

Roy: However, this riot was caused by things said by Whomp and King Boo two minutes after time had run out.

Bowser: WHAT?!

Roy: According to Bowser's Apprentice rules, if things are done after time runs out, it is considered that they never happened.

Bowser: Meaning that the New-School Nonsensical Novices will only be judged on what they did before 5PM.

Roy: Which was only getting themselves in trouble, and causing no riots.

Bowser: Failures! You lose again! The Old-School Obtuse Ones win again! Croco, as team leader, you get immunity from the next special meeting you should have to go to, just as Koopa Troopa still has immunity from the next special meeting he should have to go to. Your team also gets a big reward!

Croco: Oh boy.

Bowser: Frog Suits! I had some spare ones, and I figure you guys can use them! Wear them with pride!

Fiery: We will. *rolls eyes*

The Old-School Obtuse Ones jump into a warp pipe.

Bowser: Meanwhile, New-Schoolers, it's meeting room time!

King Boo: Not again.

Bowser's Meeting Room

Bowser is in his usual throne, with Roy and Larry in their usual cool seats, and the players in their usual pitiful seats.

Bowser: So, King Boo, why did your team fail miserably?

King Boo: We couldn't think of a good enough plan. My idea of making up taxes was bad, as were the plans of Petey making messes and Tap Tap yelling in the streets.

Bowser: How about that plan, Petey?

Petey Piranha: We had to work at a bad time! If that was at night, I wouldn't have been caught by Wooster, and then our plan would have worked!

Bowser: Sometimes you don't get to choose what time you have to do something, Petey! Sometimes you have to do a job at a time you do not like, and this was one of them. In that case, I want you to do something that works!

Petey Piranha: Yeah, I guess so.

Bowser: Tap Tap, how about your yelling idea?

Tap Tap: I was desperate.

Bowser: Desperate?! Are you guys that bad that you get desperate just because one idea fails and another idea sounds stupid?

Tap Tap: Well, it did seem like a good idea to me.

Bowser: Wait a minute, you flip-flopper! You just said you were desperate, but now you say that seemed like a good idea to you! Make up your mind on which way you want me to criticize you!

Tap Tap: Sorry.

Bowser: And Whomp, why did you wait so long before pulling off your good plan?

Whomp: I didn't think of it until Roy yelled for us to go. Then I had to think of a way to get away.

Bowser: So you were willing to get ordered around by Wooster until you were reminded by Roy that you had to go? What, if Roy had never come, would you have worked for him as long as he wanted?

Whomp: Well, I-

Bowser: You all stink! Give me the one you'd fire, King Boo!

King Boo: Tap Tap, for his stupid yelling idea. That was useless, and it only got him in trouble.

Bowser: So, Tap Tap, who would you fire?

Tap Tap: I'd fire team leader King Boo, for not having a good enough idea in the first place, and then going along with Petey Piranha after all.

Bowser: Whomp, how about you?

Whomp: I'd go with Petey Piranha, who had such a stupid idea, getting himself in trouble, then getting us in trouble.

Bowser: Finally, Petey Piranha, who would you fire?

Petey Piranha: Whomp! He didn't bail us out until it's too late because he was too scared!

Bowser: This is clearly a team ready to riot against itself. Twice now you've each voted for someone different. King Boo is unlucky enough to have to come to the special meeting, but he is lucky enough to choose which two members come with him. Who would those be, King Boo?

King Boo: Tap Tap and Whomp.

Bowser: All right, Petey Piranha, you survive this episode. You may go.

Petey Piranha enters a warp pipe.

Bowser: Now one of you three will be fired! Opinions, Roy?

Roy: I'd say King Boo's just as much at fault as Whomp for waiting for me instead of taking action himself. In fact, Petey Piranha's just as much at fault himself, for the same reason, and I'd probably fire him, for also having the stupidest idea of anyone on this team, but King Boo must be pals with him, so he spared him from a probable firing.

Bowser: I was going to fire Petey Piranha, but King Boo let him off the hook. Is that true, King Boo, that you two are friends, and that's why you let him go?

King Boo: Yes. I think you would be impressed with my loyalty to my closest and ONLY friend on this team.

Bowser: Do you want to be my apprentice or Petey's?

King Boo: Yours.

Bowser: Then stop trying to help Petey and play this game for yourself! This isn't Survivor, where alliances matter! What's the matter with you? Try to win yourself! You're an idiot to let him go when it now makes you look even worse!

King Boo: I'm sorry.

Bowser: And why didn't you think of Whomp's idea? Why did Whomp have to think of it himself?

King Boo: Whomp spoke first!

Bowser: So you had that in your mind, but just waited for Whomp to speak?

King Boo: Yes, and that can be easily proved! Roy can tell you that I went along with Whomp on his story to Wooster so naturally! Only someone who had that idea in his mind could do that so well!

Bowser: Is that true, Roy, that King Boo went along with Whomp on his story to Wooster?

Roy: Yes, it is.

King Boo: See, I told you!

Bowser: Good job making yourself look even worse! If you had the idea, why didn't you speak out yourself? Instead, you waited for Whomp to do it for you, and you're the team leader! What, were you too scared?

King Boo: I guess you could say that.

Bowser: I don't need a scared apprentice! I need one who's willing to speak up for himself, not wait for others to speak for him, especially when he's the team leader! Why wait for Whomp? You're too scared?! Of Wooster and a bunch of Toads? A fine apprentice you'd be!

King Boo: Hold on! I'm not letting you just fire me like this!

Bowser: This is my show.

King Boo: Tap Tap had a dumb idea himself!

Bowser: Sure he did. But was it as dumb as what you have managed to do? Not nearly. He will have to watch out in the future not to think of such dumb ideas, but at least he didn't fail as miserably as you did.

King Boo: What about Whomp?

Bowser: Whomp and you made the same mistake, but Whomp at least spoke up, and you made more mistakes than Whomp did, as well as the very fact that you were the team leader.

King Boo: Does this mean... no.., not that... Don't tell me 'cause it hurts!

Bowser: You're fired.

Tap Tap and Whomp go into the warp pipe.

King Boo: Wait a minute! Are you sure Roy's time was accurate?

Bowser: Roy, is it?

Roy: From what I know, it is!

King Boo: Make him prove it! Because if his watch is off, we New-Schoolers should have won, and you'll have to hold this meeting with the Old-Schoolers!

Bowser: Go check your watch according to the official Mushroom Kingdom time over there according to my official clock.

Roy goes over to check the time.

Roy: Uh oh.

Bowser: What is it?

Roy: My watch is off by three minutes.

King Boo: Yes! We win! I'm not fired! In fact, I now have immunity from the next special meeting I should have to go to! This is amazing! I can hardly believe it!

Bowser: How could you put me through all of this, Roy?

Roy: Don't worry, you don't have to change anything! It's three minutes slow! It was actually 5:05 PM when I said that, not 5:02 PM! The New-Schoolers were even later than we thought!

Bowser: You lose anyway, King Boo! Once again, you're fired! And Roy will take you to your ghost-proof dungeon cell!

King Boo: Dungeon?

Bowser: That's where you'll be for the next year, as I don't need a procrastinating, scared, and stupid minion on the loose! Take him away, Roy!

Roy takes King Boo to his dungeon cell.

Bowser: How about that idiot? He failed to bring around the one guy who I would have fired over him!

Larry: Unbelievable. You need to know who's worse than you were if you are the team leader of the losing team. Apparently, King Boo figured his alliance and friendship with Petey Piranha was worth more than having more of a chance of winning the apprentice job.

Bowser: Well, at least his stupidity will be locked up in that dungeon cell for at least a year! That's all for this time. Until next episode, this is Bowser saying goodbye for Roy and Larry. Remember, Explosive Nokobons love Emerald Nuts! So long until next episode!

Read on!

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