Bowser's Apprentice

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 5

Bowser: Welcome here to my throne room, where we continue on with Bowser's Apprentice. Only eight players remain after King Boo's firing last episode, due to his failure to bring along Petey Piranha to the meeting room, among other things. I will now shake things up a little bit by slightly changing the teams. The players do not know of this yet, so hopefully they will be totally shocked when they come in here... which should be within a few seconds!

The players, as well as Roy and Larry, come out of a warp pipe.

Bowser: Since I can see that the New-School Nonsensical Novices are failing to beat their Old-School rivals, it is time that one of the Old-Schoolers goes over to help out the New-Schoolers. I am sending last week's team leader for the Old-School Obtuse Ones, Croco, over to the New-School Nonsensical Novices, as he is also the one who appeared in a Mario game for the first time the latest of all of his Old-School former teammates. Croco, meet your new team.

Croco: Uh... hey.

Whomp: Don't worry, we don't bite. Okay, so Petey bites, but Tap Tap and I don't. At least I don't think you do, Tap Tap.

Tap Tap: Put a sock in it!

Whomp: What color of sock?

Tap Tap: Red, of course!

In the background, Crazy Packers Fan can be seen throwing things and mumbling... the mere mention of "Red Sox" is enough to make him mad.

Bowser: Anyway, Croco keeps his immunity, bringing it into any special meeting he may have to go to, if his teammates continue to stink it up. Koopa Troopa still has his immunity from a couple of episodes ago as well, so one of them will have to use it this episode. Of course, you can always choose to give it up, but then I'll fire you for giving it up, so it's pretty pointless to do so.

Croco: Right.

Bowser: Now as for this episode's challenge, you must build me a military machine of some type, such as an airship, a battleship, or a tank. The point of this challenge is not to make it so that someone like Roy or Larry has to go through the machine and try to make it to the end of the level, like Mario did. This is to show your military might. Add cannons, Bullet Bills, Rocket Engines, whatever you need, in order to break down your opponent's wall. This will prove to me that you are capable of building a powerful machine that could possibly destroy part of Peach's Castle, or other Mushroom Kingdom buildings.

Sumo: How tough are these walls going to be?

Bowser: That all depends. They may be tough, they may not be.

Fiery: What?!

Bowser: That's because some team members will be building the machine, while the rest build the wall their opponents must try to break down. Thus you also show that you are capable of building a strong fortress. I want an apprentice who is brilliant in military strategies, both offensively and defensively.

Tap Tap: Does it matter how many people per team work on each item?

Bowser: No. You could have two work on the machine and two work on the wall, or you could even have all four of you work on the machine before moving to the wall. It's your choice.

Croco: It also doesn't matter what type of machine we make, right?

Bowser: That is correct. Make it whatever you want, but the stronger, the better.

Panser: How will this competition work overall?

Bowser: You will have three hours to build your machine and wall, then after we set everything up, when I say "Go", you'll start attacking your opponents' wall. The first one to get their opponents' wall knocked over wins. The other team must come back and visit me, where someone will be fired.

Roy: Hey, what are we going to do?

Bowser: You're going to watch the teams, for the purpose of judging individual performances.

Larry: Which teams will we go with?

Bowser: Roy will go with the Old-Schoolers, while you go with the New-Schoolers, Larry.

Roy: Fine with me.

Larry: Sure, whatever.

Bowser: Now, Roy, you read the Old-School Obtuse Ones' team leader's name off this page, and Larry, you do the same with the New-School Nonsensical Ones' team leader's name. Go ahead, Roy.

Roy: The Old-School Obtuse Ones' team leader for this episode will be Sumo!

Bowser: And you, Larry?

Larry: The New-School Nonsensical Novices' team leader for this episode will be Tap Tap!

Bowser: Alright. Everything should be clear now. Is it?

Sumo: Sure.

Tap Tap: I guess.

Bowser: Then get going! Jump in that warp pipe! All of you!

Everyone but Bowser jumps into the warp pipe. They arrive at a field with tons of supplies waiting for them. The groups split off, with their respective Koopalings joining them.

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Sumo: Alright, I say we make a gigantic tank with lots of Bullet Bills.

Fiery: Where's the fire?

Sumo: What fire?

Fiery: We should have weapons that cause big explosions, not just Bullet Bills, which will knock down part of the wall and that's all. Get some Bob-omb blasters and we'll blow up the wall a lot faster.

Sumo: Sure, whatever, but I still want Bullet Bills.

Fiery: We can have your stupid Bullet Bills, but we need Bob-ombs!

Panser: Hey, what about that wall?

Koopa Troopa: What wall?

Panser: You know, the wall we have to build for our opponents to not break down before we break down their wall.

Sumo: Why not just not build a wall whatsoever? Then they can't knock it down!

All team members stare at Sumo.

Sumo: I was only joking, of course! Troopa and Panser can go build that wall while Fiery and I make this tank unstoppable.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Croco: Tank!

Whomp: Airship!

Petey Piranha: Battleship!

Tap Tap: Alright, alright! Stop the arguing! I'm the team leader here!

Croco: So?

Tap Tap: So I should choose!

Whomp: So what do you choose, team leader?

Tap Tap: Uh... uh... I don't know.

Petey Piranha: So we're stuck.

Tap Tap: Wait! I got it! And no groaning or making faces or saying "Oh no" like you always do!

Whomp: Go ahead.

Tap Tap: We make a machine that's a tank, an airship, and a battleship all built into one!

Croco: Will that take effort?

Tap Tap: Probably. Why?

Croco: I was hoping things may be easier over here.

Whomp: Things aren't easy no matter what team you're on. I like this idea. Let's get to work on it!

Petey Piranha: What about our wall?

Tap Tap: We'll take care of that later.

Petey Piranha: Why does that worry me?

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Sumo: Who knew it would be so difficult to put the tires on the tank... and the thing that goes around the tires... this is ridiculous!

Fiery: It's also why tanks can roll over practically anything. Sometimes doing some work is a good idea.

Sumo: But not today.

Fiery: Yes, today. Come on! I shouldn't be having to force the team leader to work!

Sumo: Hey, I'm working, I'm just not enjoying it!

Fiery: Well, more thanks to me than you, the tires are now on this tank, which looks pitiful at the moment. Now we have to add this steel and metal to it to bulk it up before adding the engine to it, and then finally we'll put on the cannons.

Sumo: How come we need to make a tank? Why not just set up a whole bunch of cannons and fire away?

Fiery: Because if we were attacking Peach's Castle, setting up a whole bunch of cannons is not an option. Peach or some Mushroom would see us, call up Mario, and Mario would be kicking our butts. In a tank, however, Mario can only attack us if we come out of it, or if he builds his own.

Sumo: You talk like you're Bowser's apprentice!

Fiery: Well, isn't that what we're all trying to become?

Sumo: Yeah, I guess.

Fiery: You're in it for the coins, just like Troopa is!

Sumo: Oh, come on, don't tell me you aren't!

Fiery: I want the coins, but a high ranking in Bowser's army is also important to me! Now get busy!

Meanwhile, Panser and Koopa Troopa are building their team's wall- or supposed to be doing so.

Panser: What are you doing?

Koopa Troopa: I'm hungry!

Panser: Well, why do you think you're going to find anything- oh no. Don't eat that around me. You'll make me sick.

Koopa Troopa: What? Don't you like Goomba Chow?

Panser: You're eating Micro-Goombas like they're pieces of popcorn!

Koopa Troopa: And your point is...?

Panser: That's sickening!

Koopa Troopa: Goomba Chow is the greatest. Come on, try some!

Panser: If you don't stop eating that, I'll use that as part of our wall!

Koopa Troopa: I'll eat it so you can't!

Panser: Give that to me!

Koopa Troopa and Panser start wrestling for the Goomba Chow. Finally, Koopa Troopa reaches a compromise.

Koopa Troopa: I'll stop, okay?

Panser: Okay.

Koopa Troopa: Now what are we going to use for our wall?

Panser: See that gray wall that's already standing over there? Let's pick it up and move it over here to where our wall has to be.

Koopa Troopa: It's not long enough!

Panser: I know it's not, but it's a start.

Koopa Troopa and Panser pick up the gray wall and carry it over to the place where they are to build their wall.

Wall: Boo!

Koopa Troopa and Panser: AAAAHHHH!!!

Wall: Oh, come on, you had to know I was Whomp, didn't you?

Koopa Troopa: Whomp? Is that the gray wall-like guy on the other team?

Whomp: Yeah, that's me.

Panser: We don't pay much attention to our opponents. I was thinking you may have been that Thwomp character.

Whomp: You guys must be imbeciles not to know I was Whomp.

Koopa Troopa: Well, we're imbeciles, but we didn't know you were Whomp. We simply weren't paying attention.

Whomp: You guys are scary... I'm getting away from you.

Whomp walks back to his teammates.

Panser: I guess we scared him!

Koopa Troopa: What idiot would think that he is just a wall and not Whomp?

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Petey Piranha: I want to work on our wall!

Tap Tap: Alright, go ahead! The rest of us will work on this machine.

Petey Piranha: Good. Hey, here's a start to the wall.

Whomp: (Another moron!)

Petey Piranha: I'll start my wall over there where I have to.

Petey Piranha picks up Whomp in his mouth.

Whomp: Boo!

Petey Piranha: It's a shame King Boo got fired last week. I thought he and I were going to be battling it out for the championship.

Whomp: (Is everybody crazy here?) Hey, I'm Whomp here!

Petey Piranha: Go help the others!

Whomp: I can't! I'm in your mouth!

Petey Piranha: Oh, so that's you there! You're going to ruin my wall!

Petey Piranha spits out Whomp, who walks back to his other teammates.

Whomp: (What is wrong with all of these imbeciles here?)

Petey Piranha: (It's always fun to play with others' minds.)

Petey Piranha starts to gather some blocks together. It's not exactly the strongest foundation that could be built, but he is feeling pretty good about it.

Petey Piranha: This is excellent. I can't wait for the others to see it.

Petey Piranha's teammates, meanwhile, are struggling mightily.

Tap Tap: Whose idea was it to make this a three-headed monster of a machine?

Croco: Yours!

Tap Tap: I knew it. Anyway, this is a pain. I don't have any skills in making this actually respond to some sort of controls.

Whomp: What about those video game things?

Tap Tap: What do you mean?

Whomp: You know, the PlayStation 2, the Xbox, those things. They run by those controller things. We just figure out how to make our machine respond to different buttons.

Croco: Oh, I know how to do that! I have experience in this field. I created a machine to steal coins from opponents, and used a Super Nintendo to do so. This, however, requires new technology. We'll have to use one of those new systems. Do we have any around here?

Tap Tap: Why would there be video game systems just laying around this junkyard?

Whomp: Here's one!

Croco: That'll be good enough.

Tap Tap: It looks like a messed-up ? Block with no ? to me.

Whomp: It's a Nintendo GameCube. I hear that's the newest Nintendo system.

Croco: Yeah, and you've appeared in games for it.

Whomp: I have? You've got to be kidding!

Croco: Yes, you have. Now I'll get this working, because I have skills you have no idea about! Just wait and see!

Tap Tap: We'll work on putting the parts together on this machine.

Croco: Are there any games sitting around?

Whomp: What, now you want to play a game?

Croco: No, I just need one to throw in the system for it to read in some memory. Then I can just overwrite that memory for it to work for our purposes.

Tap Tap: Don't tell me there's a disc in that junk pile.

Whomp: Here's one! Use it!

Croco: Thanks. Now get to work!

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Fiery: This actually looks like a tank now!

Sumo: Yeah, but I've done all the heavy lifting! All you did was hooked up the wires and engine and all that technical stuff!

Fiery: If not for me, this tank wouldn't move! And I also added our Bullet Bill and Bob-omb cannons! So I did do something! Now where are those two losers?

Sumo: What two losers?

Fiery: You know, the two others on our team.

Sumo: Why do we need them?

Fiery: Because they're building our wall, or supposed to be doing so, at least. I don't see them anywhere, though.

Sumo gets nailed in the foot by a Troopa shell.

Fiery: Here's Troopa! Where have you been?

Koopa Troopa: (peeking his head out of his shell) Getting kicked around by Panser! He takes serious offense at the fact that I eat Goomba Chow!

Fiery: Goomba Chow?!

Fiery hops on Koopa Troopa and kicks him away.

Sumo: Maybe Panser's building our wall.

Fiery: I doubt it. Let's go to where it's supposed to be built and build it ourselves.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Whomp: This is impossible!

Tap Tap: Quiet!

Croco: Yeah, you don't want it to suddenly fall apart.

Whomp: But it can't be! We couldn't have possibly just built this airship/battleship/tank!

Tap Tap: Too bad! We did!

Croco: All we need now is to add on the cannons.

Whomp: Get some of those 4-way blasters!

Tap Tap: No, no, get some Bob-ombs!

Whomp: Don't forget the Bullet Bills!

Tap Tap: Rocket Engines might be nice, if we position them right.

Croco: Start looking for some in this pile of junk, because you know you'll find them. I'll attach them on to our machine.


Petey Piranha: This looks great!

Petey Piranha's wall is composed of classic SMB3 bricks, easily breakable.

Petey Piranha: I can't believe I found so many blocks. I thought they would be too expensive to be laying around in bunches. I'd better go show the others my brilliant wall!

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Sumo: How big does this wall need to be?

Fiery: You tell me, team leader.

Sumo: Hey, no fair, pulling this "team leader" stuff on me!

Fiery: It's your turn to make the decisions for our team. After all, it's your immunity to win.

Sumo: Fine, just make it as tall as you can make it, with all this steel and metal lying around.

Fiery: Don't you think it would be a good idea to attach this together?

Sumo: Why?

Fiery: Uh, maybe so it stays together easier when it gets blasted by Bob-ombs?

Sumo: Oh, yeah. I'll pound it together by stomping on it.

Fiery and Sumo create a strong wall.

Fiery: Great! Now where are those other two?

Sumo: You punted away Troopa. As for Panser, I don't have any idea.

Fiery: That figures. We'll only have us two going up against their entire team.

Sumo: Uh oh.

Fiery: Wait a minute! If we lose, then Bowser will blame it on the two who didn't show up! Since Troopa has immunity, Panser will easily be fired! We'll be safe whether we win or lose!

Sumo: I don't like your reasoning.

Fiery: Why not?

Sumo: Doesn't it seem that anything we ever say backfires on us?

Fiery: It seems that way, but it really isn't that way.

Sumo: What?

Fiery: Never mind. Does anyone know how much time is left? Roy?

Roy: Hey, my watch is always off!

Fiery: What?

Roy: Oh, sorry... only King Boo, Bowser, and Larry know about that. Anyway, my watch says you have 15 minutes left, but I could be off.

Sumo: That's very assuring.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Whomp: No, no, no.

Tap Tap: You can't be serious!

Petey Piranha: What's wrong with it?

Tap Tap: You're building a wall that Mario could knock over with a furry raccoon tail! Think of what a Bob-omb will do to it!

Petey Piranha: It might knock it over?

Whomp: Might.

Petey Piranha: Then what do you suggest?

Tap Tap: Build a new wall!

Croco comes running over to the others, as he had been finishing connecting the cannons to the machine.

Croco: We're all finished!

Tap Tap: Correction. The machine is all finished, but Petey Piranha built the weakest wall ever.

Croco: How weak is it?

Whomp walks into the wall. It collapses.

Croco: Oh.

Tap Tap: Now get to work on building a new wall! All of you! Even me!

Larry: Two-minute warning!

Whomp: Great. You know what happened last week.

Croco: What happened?

Whomp: I waited until the last possible moment to do something that would save our team. Result: we lost by running out of time.

Tap Tap: If we have no wall, we'll automatically lose!

Petey Piranha: Whose fault is this?

Everyone Else: Yours!

Petey Piranha: Well, what are we going to do?

Whomp: I don't know.

Croco: Boy, am I glad I have immunity. I'm going to need it!

Tap Tap: I got it!

Whomp: What this time?

Tap Tap: Whomp, you're the wall!

Whomp: No.

Tap Tap: Yes.

Whomp: I refuse!

Tap Tap: We have no choice!

Whomp: I'll die!

Tap Tap: No you won't. You're stronger than a bunch of Bob-ombs and Bullet Bills. Besides, did Bowser say the wall couldn't duck or jump or dodge?

Whomp: I don't remember him saying that.

Tap Tap: So just move out of the way of any projectiles! Just stay in the area that is marked where the wall must be!

Whomp: Okay, but if I die, it's your fault! I'll sue you!

Tap Tap: Fine with me. Now get over there to that area!

Whomp gets into the wall area just before time runs out.

Larry: Let's go, losers!

Petey Piranha: We're novices, not losers!

Larry: You've been novices and losers three out of four weeks now!

Larry gets the New-School Nonsensical Novices to hop in the warp pipe.

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Roy: Time's up!

Fiery: Well, I guess it's just us two.

Sumo: Do you think Bowser might be mad that those two are gone?

Fiery: Definitely.

Sumo: Do you think Bowser might be mad that it was your fault that Troopa is gone?

Fiery: Defin- okay, where is Troopa? We need him! I don't care about Panser, but Troopa needs to get back here, and now!

Roy: Just get going! If he doesn't come, that's his problem.

Fiery: Oh boy.

Bowser's Throne Room

Both teams come in, along with Roy and Larry. They see Bowser, Panser, and Koopa Troopa.

Roy: There are those two!

Bowser: Panser got sick from the smell of Goomba Chow, and thus had to come back here and rest. I am already not happy with him for quitting on his team, but I'm equally mad at Fiery for kicking Koopa Troopa into the warp pipe, where he ended up knocked out cold. And since if the Old-Schoolers lose, Sumo will be the losing team leader, I'll be mad at all three of you just about equally, so it all turns out even in the end.

Fiery: I love happy endings.

Bowser: Now anyway, you have come to me for the sole purpose of telling me that it is time for me to come to you. It's not like I need you to tell me that, but it's fun watching you guys scramble and search for your missing pals.

Sumo: Of course.

Bowser: So anyway, I'm ready to see your machines, and your awesome walls! Wait a minute... how come Whomp isn't here?

Tap Tap: You'll find out.

Bowser: Be straight with your possible future boss... where is he?

Petey Piranha: It will be better if you find out later.

Bowser: WHERE IS HE?

Croco: He's the wall!

Bowser: Oh. Well, that's no big deal. Let's go!

Sumo: I never liked that Whomp guy. Now we'll get to kill him while winning this contest.

Fiery: He can't die, because he's a Mario character. But we can at least injure him to the point that Bowser has to fire him. This should be fun.

The players, Roy, Larry, and Bowser jump into the warp pipe and reach the battlefield.

Bowser: I'm impressed already. You guys didn't just throw a whole bunch of cannons together and call them tanks. That's something else for characters of your brain level.

Petey Piranha: (whispering) Is he insulting us or complimenting us?

Croco: (whispering) Who knows?

Bowser: Now you can go get in your machines, the four of you Old-Schoolers and also the three New-Schoolers besides Whomp.

Panser: Do we have to go?

Bowser: Do I have to keep you around for next episode?

Panser: Some day I'm going to host my own show! It's going to be called Panser's Apprentice! We Sub-con SURFers will rule Plit! Even Link and Zelda and every Final Fantasy heartthrob imaginable will fear us! You just wait and see! And guess what? I'll fire you! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Koopa Troopa: Get in the tank and shut up before you get us all fired!

The players get in their machines.

Bowser: Alright, idiots, move your machines into a position behind the yellow line, to prepare to start blasting!

Inside the Old-School tank

Fiery: You are such an idiot! Shut that stupid mouth of yours!

Panser: I speak the truth!

Sumo: You don't need to speak it right before we may be meeting with Bowser!

Koopa Troopa: And you're the one who will take the most heat over it, anyway!

Panser: Look at the wall we're up against. It's Whomp. There's no way we're losing this episode. One Bob-omb blast, and the moron is on his back, with that dumb-looking bandage for all to see. The next thing you know, we blast him again, and he's shot out of the battlefield. We win, Bowser gets furious at whoever he fires, and he forgets my spout-off. It's as simple as that.

Fiery: If it's so simple, how come it took you all that time and reasoning to explain it?

Panser: So what if it's simple or not so simple? We're going to win! Mark my words!

Koopa Troopa: From what I heard, Crazy Packers Fan predicted a Red Sox loss, and they've gone 5-0 since that prediction.

Sumo: What's your point?

Koopa Troopa: Predictions tend to be wrong anymore.

Sumo: We're going to lose! I'm going to be fired! We have no chance in this battle! The Giant Land football team will lose all of its remaining games!

Fiery: So you are a Giant Land fan!

Sumo: I mean... Desert Land!

Panser: Stop your stupid superstitions and relax. Everything's under control.

The Old-Schoolers hear knocking on the side of their tank.

Fiery: Open it up and see who's knocking.

Koopa Troopa: They're probably telling us to start firing. Go find out, team leader!

Sumo peeks his head out of the tank.

Roy: Yo, losers! Want to get a move on it?

Sumo: What do you mean?

Roy: You've been just doing donuts in that same spot for the last five minutes! We're not waiting all day for you to get into firing position!

Sumo: Uh oh.

Sumo goes back to the others.

Sumo: We lost.

Fiery: Did we miss the signal to start firing?

Sumo: No. You hooked up the wires wrong! Somehow we've been going in circles all this time while I thought I was going towards Whomp!

Fiery: Didn't you look where you were going?

Sumo: How do I do that?

Fiery: Just look- oh boy.

Koopa Troopa: Oh boy is right. You appleheads forgot to include some sort of window, or any way of seeing where we're going!

Fiery: Well, don't just sit there, make some sort of hole so you can see where you're going!

The Old-Schoolers are not the only ones having trouble with their machine, however.

Tap Tap: You got our machine to start flying, but can you get it to land?

Croco: I'm trying!

Petey Piranha: I thought you were an expert at this!

Croco: I'm only partially an expert at this! I know more than you guys, and that's about it! Besides, Bowser's making us do things we're not talented at in order to improve our skills. He wouldn't make us do things we already know how to do, or else there would be no point in having the show.

Tap Tap: True. But enough with the explanations! Get this thing back near the ground, or else we'll have to start firing from up here!

Croco: How about doing this?

The machine suddenly starts crashing towards the ground.

Tap Tap: Not that close!

Croco gets the machine flying up high again. Unfortunately for him, this puts his team right back in the position they were in.

Croco: Okay... maybe this will work.

This time, the ship starts slowly hovering towards the ground, before finally coming to a safe and soft stop on the ground.

Petey Piranha: We landed safely!

Tap Tap: Something good happened!

Croco: Even better, we landed where we were supposed to go!

After some work, including having to smash his foot through the front of the tank, Sumo was able to get his team's tank to the right position as well.

Bowser: Well, that took long enough, but it's finally time to fire away!

Sumo: Yeah, after I nearly broke my foot!

Bowser: Ready, aim, fire!

The New-Schoolers start connecting with the Obtuse Ones' wall, starting to knock down bits and pieces of it.

Bowser: Remember, the entire wall has to go down before you win!

Panser: That makes our job even easier. Just scare the blockhead, and we win!

However, Whomp is pretty skilled at avoiding cannonball blasts while staying in the wall area. He even kicks away a few Bob-ombs.

Fiery: Just scare him?

Panser: Well, I guess we have to petrify him or something.

Fiery: Knowing you, we'll petrify him right-side up! Get some more accurate blasts, Troopa!

Koopa Troopa: Why only me?

Fiery: You're the weakest one here!

Koopa Troopa: Is that an insult?

Fiery: You bet! What about it?

Koopa Troopa: Well, I was just making sure. I'll knock him down!

Meanwhile, half the wall is destroyed over where the New-Schoolers are firing.

Tap Tap: Keep on firing!

Petey Piranha: Don't worry, we are!

Croco: We may want to blow up this wall a little faster.

Tap Tap: Why is that?

Croco: I don't know how much longer these controls are going to work.

Petey Piranha: Wait a minute... what do you mean?

Croco: The controls start to give you big-time trouble not long into the game.

Petey Piranha: Game?

Croco: I used a GameCube disc to run the computer to everything electronic in this machine. I found out what game it was, and now I know why we had all those control problems before.

Tap Tap: Uh oh. How's the weather?

Petey Piranha: Is the sun shining?

Croco: Not a cloud in the sky.

Tap Tap and Petey Piranha realize which game Croco is talking about (Super Mario Sunshine, if you didn't get the weather clues), and start to notice that their shots are getting less and less accurate. Eventually, it gets to the point where they have to readjust their cannons every time they want to take a shot.

Croco: Yikes!

One of Croco's shots, a Bob-omb blast, goes very off-target. towards an unsuspecting Whomp!

Whomp: Ouch!

Whomp gets knocked over by the exploding Bob-omb. Fortunately for him, he is not injured, but it was enough to knock him over.

Bowser: The Old-School Obtuse Ones win!

The confused Old-School Obtuse Ones are arguing about something trivial when they find out that they have won the contest.

Fiery: Wait, we won?

Panser: I told you we would!

Sumo: It was of course due to my superstition that we won!

Koopa Troopa: Or maybe we're just lucky... again.

Bowser: Get out of your machines now!

The two teams get out of their machines, seeing an extremely angry Bowser.

Bowser: You two teams just turned in the worst performance combined so far, with the Obtuse Ones winning by default, and the Nonsensical Novices losing due to extremely unbelievable circumstances! Because of this, you Obtuse Ones get no reward, so go hop in that warp pipe over there now and jump in the first one you see on your left when you enter the castle.

Sumo: What about my immunity?

Bowser: Okay, okay, you get immunity from the next meeting you would normally be eligible for, but get going!

The Old-School Obtuse Ones jump in the two warp pipes Bowser told them to enter.

Bowser: Now it's meeting room time, where all the fun begins!

Everyone enters the warp pipe, walking into Bowser's meeting room.

Bowser's Meeting Room

Bowser is in his throne again, with Roy and Larry in their cool-looking seats, and the players looking stupid in their seats.

Bowser: This is pathetic. How many times are you going to lose in a row until this team is no more?

Croco: I wasn't a part of the last two losses.

Bowser: No, but if you didn't have your imbecilic immunity, I'd be firing you!

Croco: *gulp*

Bowser: So, expert, who would you fire?

No one answers.

Bowser: I mean Croco.

Croco: Oh. I would fire Whomp, for getting knocked over by a mere Bob-omb explosion.

Whomp: Hey, Croco! Want to find out what "a mere Bob-omb explosion" feels like?

Croco: No.

Whomp: Then shut up, you idiot!

Bowser: Whomp has a point, Croco. Who would you fire, Whomp?

Whomp: Croco if he wasn't immune; Tap Tap because he was the team leader.

Bowser: How about you, Tap Tap?

Tap Tap: Whomp, because he was the wall, and he took the fall, after all.

Bowser: I'll ask for your poetry when I want to hear it, Edgar Allan Tap. Now who would you fire, if you had the choice, Petey Piranha?

Petey Piranha: The tasteless, tactless leader of this terrible team, Tap Tap.

Bowser: Okay, what got into you guys, deciding to have fun with English?

Petey Piranha: I had some Goomba Chow this morning.

Croco: Disgusting!

Bowser: Since the other three must stay here, you can get out now, Croco.

Croco: Sure!

Bowser: Go!

Croco gets up from his seat, runs, and hops into the warp pipe.

Bowser: Now for the real meeting!

Tap Tap: This ought to be fun.

Bowser: Oh yes. First of all, what was the idea of making it a three-way machine for, Tap Tap?

Tap Tap: To resolve an argument. Truth be told, I thought it was a good idea, before Croco wrecked it with that game.

Bowser: True, and I have to agree, troubles with that machine were not your fault. Why argue, though, Whomp and Petey?

Whomp: I thought I knew best.

Petey Piranha: So did I.

Bowser: Well, guess what? You obviously didn't, you put Tap Tap in a bad position, and you hurt your own team! You also wasted time making an extremely complicated machine that only needed to be able to shoot cannons effectively and get from point A to point B, and those two points were not very far away from each other. Now what was with Whomp being the wall?

Whomp: I didn't want to be the wall. Tap Tap wanted me to be the wall. I stood up to him and told him no, but he refused to go along with me.

Bowser: What is the meaning of this, Tap Tap?

Tap Tap: We had no choice. We were almost out of time, and we needed some sort of wall.

Bowser: Why wait until the last second again?

Tap Tap: Well, I didn't wait until the last second last time.

Bowser: I don't care about last time! I care about this time!

Tap Tap: The fact of the matter is, Petey Piranha was supposed to be building our wall. We come over to it, and find that it's extremely weak, so weak that Whomp knocked it over merely by walking into it. Any cannonball, Bullet Bill, or Bob-omb blast would have blown that wall to pieces!

Bowser: Why was it so weak, Petey Piranha?

Petey Piranha: There were tons of Super Mario Bros. 3-style bricks just lying around. I figured they were cheap-

Bowser: Cheap?! If you figured they were cheap, why did you use them?

Petey Piranha: I mean that I figured that they didn't cost much.

Bowser: Same thing! They're free! You can have as many as you want! You can also have all that steel and metal that's lying around! What's stronger?

Petey Piranha: This is insignificant. We lost due to Croco's poor controls on our ship.

Bowser: You're right, Petey. That is the reason you lost.

Petey Piranha: I knew you'd see it my way.


Petey Piranha: No.

Bowser: Then we don't have to worry about firing him! I have to fire the one without immunity who most caused his team to lose! Guess who that is?

Petey Piranha: Me?

Bowser: No.

Petey Piranha: Phew!

Tap Tap: No!

Whomp: This is bad.

Roy walks over to Larry's seat.

Roy: (whispering) Is he out of his mind? Petey deserves to be fired most of all for not building the wall correctly in the first place! What's he doing?

Larry: (whispering) I don't know, but it's his show. I guess we just have to let him make whatever decision he wants to make, no matter how dumb it is.

Roy: (whispering) Should I argue with him about it?

Larry: (whispering) Let him do what he wants. If he's wrong, he looks stupid, not us.

Roy: (whispering) Okay.

Roy walks back to his seat and sits down in it.

Bowser: Just kidding, you guys! Petey Piranha, you're fired.

Petey Piranha: Uh... uh... am I living in a nightmare?

Bowser: No, this is really happening. You're fired, and your former teammates may leave.

The gasping-for-air Tap Tap and Whomp jump into the warp pipe.

Bowser: Roy will now take you to your dungeon cell.

Petey Piranha: What?!

Bowser: If you're dumb enough to think that a wall of SMB3 bricks can withstand a barrage of Bullet Bill and Bob-omb blasts, you need to be locked up for a year. Take him away, Roy!

Roy takes Petey Piranha to his dungeon cell.

Bowser: That guy had it coming to him.

Larry: He should have been gone last week, if not for King Boo. Now he got what he deserves. My question is: will past failures Panser, Troopa, and Croco ever pay for their past misdeeds?

Bowser: We'll have to see. That's all for this time. Until next time, this is Bowser saying goodbye for Roy and Larry! Remember, Excruciating Nyolilins love Emerald Nuts! So long until next episode!

Read on!

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