Bowser's Apprentice

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 7

Bowser: Welcome back to Bowser’s Apprentice. We have seven players remaining in this game, just about halfway through this contest. It is not going to be easy for these players to make it to the final and get hired. Certainly this episode will be a real test for them. If you’ll recall, Tubba Blubba was un-fired last week, while Tap Tap was fired. Tubba Blubba has been sworn to secrecy not to tell the fate that should await the players if they are to be fired, which explains why Tap Tap didn’t know he was going to the dungeon, and also why none of the others will know either. If he does tell them, well, let’s just say that a year in jail will seem like an awfully short sentence for him. As for the players, they should be here any moment now, along with Roy and Larry.

The seven remaining players walk into Bowser’s throne room, with Roy and Larry tagging close behind.

Bowser: Welcome, players! Now that you’ve survived the first half or so of this contest, you figure you know what to expect. I tell you what side you take, and you take that side and work for that side to the best of your ability, which sometimes isn’t really that great. But this time, there is no side I’m asking you to take. There is an all-out fight between Lemmy’s Ice Land and Ludwig’s Pipe Land. It’s turning really ugly really fast. Your goal is to end the combat, in 24 hours. How you do so is up to you. You may take Lemmy’s side and win the war for Ice Land. You can take Ludwig’s side and have Pipe Land triumph. Or, you can choose to play peacemaker and be neutral, trying to end the clash by bringing both sides to a truce. It’s your choice. I’ll be able to tell who is ready to take the next step to becoming my apprentice by those who choose the best way of ending this fighting, as well as those who execute the plan the right way. This week’s team leader is Tubba Blubba, which means he gets to pick the team name!

Tubba Blubba: How about the Fat Fools?

Sumo: What an inappropriate name! I object!

Bowser: Too bad! You’re the Fat Fools this week, under the direction of team leader Tubba Blubba!

Fiery: We’re doomed.

Bowser: Get going into that pipe, which will send you to an island which is on the border of both Ice Land and Pipe Land. Roy and Larry will tag along to judge you.

The players jump into the pipe, with Roy and Larry jumping in behind them.

Fat Fools

Tubba Blubba: Alright, let’s take a vote. Who wants to take Lemmy’s side?

Panser, Whomp, and Koopa Troopa shake their heads “yes”.

Tubba Blubba: Who wants to take Ludwig’s side?

Fiery, Croco, and Sumo raise their hands.

Tubba Blubba: Alright, to make this fair, then, we’ll play peacemaker and try to reconcile the two sides.

Koopa Troopa: That’s the hardest!

Tubba Blubba: Exactly. That’s also probably the one Bowser wants us to take.

Fiery: How are we going to do that if we can’t even agree with each other?

Tubba Blubba: It’s much simpler than you think. Those who support Ice Land will go to Pipe Land and try to convince those who are fighting to stop doing so, and vice versa. In the meantime, I will visit both Koopalings and talk things out with them, and I’ll even hold a meeting with the two together to get them to decide on a truce. It shouldn’t be that hard, as long as you try hard. We can’t have four or five players do poorly like last week and expect to succeed.

Sumo: I was not one of those!

Whomp: Good for you!

Tubba Blubba: Now here’s a warp pipe to Ice Land for you Pipe Land backers, and you Ice Land fans can take this warp pipe to Pipe Land. I’m going to Ice Land first to talk to Lemmy.

Panser: I hope this plan works…

Ice Land

While Tubba Blubba takes off for Lemmy’s Castle, Fiery, Croco, and Sumo find a bunch of Flurries, Buster Beetles, and Spikes ready for battle.

Fred Flurry: We attack Pipe Land full-force at five o’clock!

Buster Beetle: Down with Ludwig!

Spike: Ludwig shall no longer send his Fiery Walking Piranhas over here to melt our land! He shall no longer steal our ice without paying for it! He shall no longer mine for oil without obtaining permission to do so!

Frank Flurry: Pipe Land’s pitiful! Pipe Land’s pathetic!

Fiery, Croco, and Sumo see the gang of Ice Land residents ready to attack Pipe Land become bigger and bigger, as the riot begins to grow.

Fiery: We’ve got to stop this now!

Sumo: We were good at starting a riot, but stopping one doesn’t seem possible!

Croco: Hey, Flurries! Ice Land citizens!

Croco’s shouts are drowned out by the screams of the Ice Land citizens.

Fiery: That’s it! I’m going the fiery way!

Sumo: Not yet. You can’t do it in such a violent fashion. Try it my way!

Sumo stomps the ground, sending down a lightning bolt from the sky. Although the lightning bolt misses the Ice Land residents, the Fat Fools soon have Flurries, Buster Beetles, and Spikes attacking them like crazy.

Fiery: I’ll fireball you!

Buster Beetle: Not with an Ice Block shoved down your throat!

Fiery easily melts the Ice Block, wrestling the Buster Beetle away from him.

Croco: Stop this meaningless fighting!

Fred Flurry: You’re Pipe Land fans, it seems! Don’t let them escape!

Pipe Land

Panser, Whomp, and Koopa Troopa are having a calm discussion with Piranha Plants.

Panser: You can’t kill those Ice Landers!

Whomp: They really don’t hate you!

Koopa Troopa: They’re innocent!

Panser: Besides, you know you’re so much stronger than them! You’d crush them to pieces! If you do that, how are they going to make Pipe Land coins anymore? Pipe Land’s economy will be hurt big time!

Piranhacus Giganticus: You have some pretty good points there.

Venus Fire Trap: Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t attack them.

Ptooie: But didn’t they vote for Wart over Bowser?

Whomp: That was before the recount. Bowser did win Ice Land after the votes were recounted.

Muncher: I guess they’re all right after all.

Piranha Plant: I just hope that if we decide on a truce, they don’t decide to attack us anyway.

Panser: No worries! If they agree on a truce, they’ll be forfeiting their right to attack you!

Fiery Walking Piranha: And if they attack us anyway…?

Koopa Troopa: Destroy them!

Lemmy’s Castle

Tubba Blubba is trying to talk out a potential agreement with Lemmy about stopping a war from starting.

Tubba Blubba: Why fight? We can reach a peaceable agreement without a fight.

Lemmy: Maybe because Ludwig has been sending Ptooies over here to menace my citizens, as well as Fiery Walking Piranhas who are coming over here and melting ice all over the place, other Piranhas stealing coins, oil being mined out of our land without permission, and occasional random Bullet Bills crashing into my castle.

Tubba Blubba: That isn’t too bad, is it?

Lemmy: What do you think?

Tubba Blubba: Okay, okay. But can’t you just ask him nicely to stop?

Lemmy: I have.

Tubba Blubba: And how did he respond?

Lemmy: By giving me a surprise the next morning.

Tubba Blubba: See? He can be reasonable.

Lemmy: That surprise was hundreds of Munchers who had infested my castle!

Tubba Blubba: Oh!

Lemmy: We here in Ice Land are the innocent ones, just trying to stand up for ourselves, not willing to take anymore menacing. I’m sick of Ludwig’s behavior. He won’t stop, so we have to give him a taste of his own medicine. Otherwise, this will continue.

Tubba Blubba: So there’s no way you’ll agree to a truce?

Lemmy: None at all.

Tubba Blubba: My plan is ruined, then. Can my group of characters join forces with your citizens?

Lemmy: As long as you’re not trying to trick me. Who are these characters, anyway?

Tubba Blubba: Well, there’s Croco, a Sumo Brother, a Fire Brother-

Lemmy hears some yelling and screaming, so he looks out a window in his castle. He sees Croco, Sumo, and Fiery fighting with his army.

Lemmy: You are trying to trick me! Your gang is trying to take down my army!

Lemmy freezes Tubba Blubba with his freeze gun and has a few Koopatrols put him in a dungeon cell.

Lemmy: Now to continue my plans for conquest of the Mushroom Kingdom… Ice Land will soon be in command of all lands outside of Dark Land! Pipe Land is the first land to be conquered!

Pipe Land

Panser, Koopa Troopa, and Whomp are leading a big gang of Piranha Plants into warp pipes to Ice Land, where they hope to call a truce with the Ice Land citizens.

Panser: I can only hope that Fiery is doing his job correctly.

The three Fat Fools as well as the Piranha Plants arrive in Ice Land to find a large battle between their Fat Fool counterparts and the Ice Land army.

Fred Flurry: Piranha Plants! Get them!

Koopa Troopa: Never count on Fiery.

Whomp: What do we do?

Panser: We take down these Ice Land imbeciles! Piranha Plants, charge!

The Piranhas and Fat Fools that were with them start battling the Ice Land citizens. Those Fat Fools think that their teammates who were in Ice Land were trying to lead Ice Land’s army into battle, so they start battling their own teammates.

Panser: You’re not doing your job correctly, Fiery, and now you’ll pay for it! Feel the power of SURF!

Koopa Troopa: We can’t count on you guys to do anything right!

Croco: What did we do?

Whomp: Look at what you are trying to do! You’re starting a war that we’re trying to prevent!

Fiery: Look, we’ve been attacked by Ice Land as well. We don’t like them either.

Sumo: They don’t like us, and we’re battling back against them.

Panser: So we’re all against Ice Land?

Croco: Yep.

Koopa Troopa: What are we waiting for? Destroy these Flurries!

There’s only so much potted plants can do, even with wheels on the bottom of their pipes. The Ice Land citizens are taking them down, avoiding the Venus Fire Traps’ fireballs and the Ptooies’ spiked balls, while tossing their own spiked balls as well as Ice Blocks at the Piranhas. Only when the Fat Fools join Pipe Land’s side do the Piranhas actually stand a chance.

Buster Beetle: I can’t stand these idiots who came here! Get them first, then destroy the Piranhas!

Fiery: Where’s that Tubba Blubba when you need him?

Five hours of fruitless fighting go by, not counting the four hours in between the time the Fat Fools were sent out on their mission and the time Panser, Koopa Troopa, and Whomp led the Piranhas into Ice Land. It is an absolute stalemate, with the more powerful Fat Fools unable to attack well due to the cold, and the Ice Land citizens too weak to do anything harmful to their opposition, as well as the Piranhas either being too immobile or too cold to attack the Ice Land citizens.

Larry: Should we do anything to stop this fighting?

Roy: (munching on popcorn) Why do that? This is a great show!

The Fat Fools finally figure out a way of ending the fighting- temporally.

Fiery: All Piranhas and Fat Fools- run to the warp pipe!

The Piranhas and Fat Fools run to the warp pipe and escape back to Pipe Land. Roy and Larry join them, having nothing else better to do. The Ice Land citizens try to follow suit, but Panser and Fiery heat the pipe with their fireballs, making it too hot for the Ice Land citizens to go down.

Whomp: That was close.

Piranhacus Giganticus: We’ve got to get Ludwig here fighting for us. Only with his strength and his inventions can we defeat Ice Land.

Venus Fire Trap: I agree. We’re too cold to attack these Ice Land citizens.

Fiery: They’re too weak to defeat us, but we’re getting nowhere.

Koopa Troopa: Let’s go to Ludwig’s Castle and get him to help us out.

Whomp: I’m too tired. I need a nap.

Panser: Me too.

Croco: Why don’t we rest for an hour before going to Ludwig’s Castle?

Sumo: Sounds good to me.

The Fat Fools and Piranhas take a nap. Eight hours later, they start to wake up. Piranhas are natural deep sleepers, but the Fat Fools are just plain lazy.

Croco: Okay, we overslept, but we still have plenty of time. Let’s go!

Ludwig’s Castle

The Fat Fools, Roy, Larry, and the Piranhas find Ludwig playing his organ. Many of them try to block out the awful noise being emitted from the musical instrument, but it is way too loud.

Fiery: LUDWIG!

Ludwig: What are you doing? I was in the middle of my new song!

Panser: That song won’t get released if you don’t help your Piranhas.

Ludwig: What Piranhas?

Piranha Plant: US!

Ludwig: Oh, them. What about them? Do they need food?

Koopa Troopa: No! Ice Land’s attacking them!

Ludwig: In what way? Insults? Fire back! I got one! Just say, “You think you’re cool, but you’re really just frozen solid!” Haha! That’s a good one! I got another!

Sumo: Spare us.

Whomp: Yeah, come on, take some action before you have tons of Flurries, Buster Beetles, and Spikes invading your land!

Ludwig: Why would they do that?

Croco: They say you’re mining for oil, and eating their food, and all this other stuff too.

Ludwig: I don’t do that stuff!

Fiery: I knew they were lieing!

Ludwig: No, it’s the Piranhas I send over to Ice Land that do that stuff!

Fiery: I guess not.

Ludwig: Now thanks for telling me the news! I’ve got some news for you too! Turkey Day is coming soon!

Panser: That’s nice.

Ludwig: No, I’m serious! Roy, Larry, you know how good turkey is! I’ve got some samples right here!

Roy: All right!

Larry: Let’s have them!

Sumo: Wait! We’ve got a war to win!

Ludwig: Go win it! I’m cheering you on!

Croco: That doesn’t sound very promising.

Ludwig: Now get out of my castle, or you’ll have to face the Boom Booms that are residing here!

Panser: Come on, let’s go.

Whomp: Don’t just let the idiot do that to us! Let’s actually take some action!

Koopa Troopa: In what way?

Whomp: Steal something off him to make him chase us!

Koopa Troopa: The organ!

Whomp: We’ll get the organ! The rest of you run!

While the Fat Fools and Piranhas hurry toward the castle doors, Whomp and Koopa Troopa start hauling out Ludwig’s organ. Ludwig then notices them stealing the organ while enjoying his turkey.

Koopa Troopa: Hey, we’re stealing your organ! Come and stop us!

Ludwig: Don’t do that!

Whomp: Too bad!

Ludwig: I know!

Whomp and Koopa Troopa end up exiting the castle after their teammates and the Piranhas. Ludwig fails to follow them.

Fiery: Well, geniuses?

Whomp: Well what?

Panser: Where’s Ludwig?

Koopa Troopa: He was right- he never followed us!

Sumo: We’re not going back up there! You’re going back up to get him!

Whomp: Fine! Let’s go, Troopa!

Whomp and Koopa Troopa head back up into the castle. The rest of them wait outside the castle… and wait… and wait…

Fiery: How long ago did they go in there?

Croco: Just about an hour ago!

Panser: This is crazy! We wasted an hour and a half going to Ludwig and talking to him, and they’ve wasted even more time!

Sumo: We might as well find some way to pass the time. I’ll play the organ.

Fiery: I hope you’re better than Ludwig is.


Panser: That’s enough!

Croco: That was dreadful… and loud, too.

Piranhacus Giganticus: What’s that sound?

All of a sudden, hundreds of Ice Land residents start coming out of warp pipes.

Fiery: What’s going on?

Fred Flurry: We heard Ludwig’s war organ! That organ is very loud, in order to tell Lemmy that Ludwig is declaring war on Ice Land. He only plays it outside of his castle if he wants to declare war. Otherwise, he’ll keep it in his castle, which has soundproof walls that muffle the sound. So now that you’ve declared war, we’re over here to fight it!

Venus Fire Trap: Great.

The small band of Piranhas and the Fat Fools hold their own against the mass army of Ice Landers, mainly due to Pipe Land’s warm weather. All this time Ice Land citizens will fight for an hour or so before going back into a warp pipe to Ice Land and being replaced by another Ice Land citizen. After another four hours of fruitless fighting and neither side winning, Fiery is able to sneak away from the Ice Land forces without them noticing him. He bolts to the castle.

Fiery: I’ve got to find that Ludwig, and fast!

Fiery finds Ludwig still eating with Roy, Larry, Whomp, and Koopa Troopa.

Fiery: What are you guys doing?

Ludwig: Enjoying our meal! We had some awesome mashed potatoes, and some-

Fiery: Pipe Land’s being invaded!

Ludwig: Well, why didn’t you say so? I have an invention that will take care of that in a hurry! Grab this vacuum-like machine and use it around those Ice Landers! They’ll go running back home in an instant!

Fiery: Thanks!

Fiery is about to leave, then he looks back at his teammates, who are still eating.

Fiery: Well?

Whomp: Oh, the pumpkin pie? It’s great! Want some?

Fiery: No, I want you to come help me!

Koopa Troopa: That guy talks, and noise comes out of his mouth, but does it make sense to you?

Whomp: Nope.

Fiery: Come on, idiots!

Roy: What do you want from Larry and I?

Fiery: I mean my teammates here!

Whomp: You can handle it yourself with that vacuum of yours, can’t you?

Fiery: Yeah, I- wait a minute!

Koopa Troopa: Sorry, you said so yourself. You don’t need our help!

Fiery: Oh, come on!

Whomp: Fine, fine, we’ll help you. Let’s go, Troopa… but we’re coming back for more food after this war is done!

Ludwig: Hey, where are you going with my vacuum?

Fiery: You let me have it!

Ludwig: You should know that you must pay for anything you take from my castle, whether you’re borrowing it or not!

Fiery: I don’t have any coins! And besides, they took your organ and didn’t pay!

Ludwig: That will be an extra charge, then! Come back here with 2,000 coins before you can use this vacuum!

Fiery: Croco’s got to have some coins… Come on, let’s go get them! Here’s your vacuum for the moment, Ludwig!

Fiery, Whomp, and Koopa Troopa run out of the castle, heading towards the scene of the battle. They come running full force towards their teammates, and Fiery is just about to ask for coins from Croco, when-

Roy: Time’s up!

Larry: Back to Bowser’s Castle!

Fiery: No.

Panser: What?!

Croco: Already?!

Roy: Into the warp pipe!

Sumo: What about the war?

Larry: Hey, that’s their problem.

Roy: And it’s going to cause you some problems in the meeting room, since you didn’t solve the war.

Panser: Uh oh.

Fiery: Oh boy.

Bowser’s Meeting Room

Bowser is seated in his usual seat, and Roy and Larry take their regular seats. The others file in, finding Tubba Blubba, unfrozen.

Bowser: Welcome!

Sumo: Is that a sarcastic welcome or a true welcome?

Bowser: Make a guess.

Sumo: Sarcastic.

Bowser: You got it! I received a present today from Lemmy, who brought me this idiot, who was frozen. Ever see Tubba Blubba before?

Croco: Nah.

Bowser: Well, here he is, your teammate, who somehow got frozen. Luckily for you guys, he has no idea what happened today, so those of you who performed badly may get off easy this time!

Whomp: Yay!

Bowser: Of course, since I’m about to tell him everything, maybe you won’t get off easy, Whomp, Troopa, and Sumo.

Koopa Troopa: Why us?

Bowser: Good question. Why you? What did you do wrong? Could it perhaps be that you and Whomp were off eating turkey while your teammates were fighting a war?

Whomp: Don’t forget the mashed potatoes!

Koopa Troopa: Quiet, Whomp.

Whomp: And the stuffing!

Koopa Troopa: Quiet, Whomp…

Whomp: And that pumpkin pie!

Koopa Troopa: Shut up, you idiot!

Bowser: So that might have something to do with it. I don’t know for sure; that’s just a wild guess. And how about you, Tubba Blubba? How could you not get Lemmy to come to a peaceable agreement?

Tubba Blubba: Bad luck.

Bowser: Well, for once, I agree with you. It was the fault of your teammates that the fight occurred as you were trying to call for a truce.

Sumo: Oh, and that’s my fault?!

Bowser: Thanks for speaking up, because it was! You brought down a lightning bolt that started this mess for your team. It’s your fault they’re in as much trouble as they are.

Sumo: Well, at least I took responsibility!

Bowser: Yeah, you’re sooo responsible, questioning me before I even put the blame on you. I don’t really have a problem with the rest of you, or as big of a problem, at least. You all took too long, yet again, and I don’t know when you’re going to figure out how to complete a challenge ahead of time. This was absolutely ridiculous, when I gave you 24 hours to do it. Now as for the war, don’t worry about it, as I’ll send in an army of Koopatrols to get the Ice Landers back to Ice Land and prevent both sides from invading each other again. Right now, I want you to pick who you would fire, if you had the choice. Tubba Blubba?

Tubba Blubba: It sounds like Whomp is the one to fire to me.

Bowser: Whomp?

Whomp: I’m going with Troopa.

Bowser: Troopa?

Koopa Troopa: Fire Whomp!

Bowser: Sumo?

Sumo: You’ve got to get rid of Whomp!

Bowser: Panser?

Panser: Troopa’s got to go.

Bowser: Fiery?

Fiery: I can’t agree with someone from Sub-con. I’m going with Sumo.

Bowser: Croco?

Croco: Sumo is mainly at fault, so I say Sumo.

Bowser: Interestingly enough, you can’t quite agree yet again. This means that Tubba Blubba will have a pretty big decision coming up… right now! Tubba Blubba, who are you keeping here with you for the firing?

Tubba Blubba: Whomp is staying.

Bowser: One more.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick-

Bowser: Any millennium now, Tubba.

Tubba Blubba: I’m going with- hey, is that a DK tie that you’re wearing, Roy?

Roy: Yes, in fact it is!

Tubba Blubba: Nice style, though he ran against your dad.

Roy: Well, this is to support him in games such as Mario Power Tennis, when he’s against Mario, and other games such as-


Tubba Blubba: Troopa.

Bowser: Alright, Tubba, Whomp, and Troopa stay here. The rest of you may leave out that warp pipe.

Fiery, Panser, Croco, and Sumo exit out a warp pipe.

Bowser: Now, let’s get down to business. Tubba Blubba, you’re the team leader, yet no one heard from you for most of the day. Why did you get yourself frozen?

Tubba Blubba: I didn’t freeze myself! Lemmy froze me!

Bowser: That’s what I meant.

Tubba Blubba: Well, it really wasn’t my fault. We already went through this!

Bowser: Yeah, we did, but I was too lenient that time. I can’t let you off the hook totally!

Tubba Blubba: What am I supposed to say? I got unlucky! My teammates let me down!

Bowser: Don’t you think you let down your teammates?

Tubba Blubba: How?

Bowser: You weren’t there to help them!

Tubba Blubba: But-

Bowser: They sure needed your help! They failed miserably!

Tubba Blubba: I couldn’t!

Bowser: Then why did you go to Lemmy? You could have done something else!

Tubba Blubba: You’re right, I could have. But really, it was very tough to decide what else to do. I could have been with my teammates, failing miserably with them. At least I tried. At least Fiery, Panser, Croco, and Sumo tried, from what I heard.

Bowser: That’s for sure. These two ate while their teammates fought.

Whomp: Hey, it was good food!

Koopa Troopa: Shut up!

Bowser: This is difficult: both of you failed me miserably, but it’s very difficult to decide which one of you to fire.

Whomp: Why not fire Tubba, then?

Koopa Troopa: Yeah, Tubba deserves it!

Bowser: What an idea!

Tubba Blubba: No!

Whomp: Yes!

Koopa Troopa: Yeah!

Bowser: But… no. Instead, it comes down to the stealing-the-organ-off-Ludwig idea. The key is this: Whomp suggested to steal something, while Troopa suggested stealing the organ. What was worse?

Koopa Troopa: Whomp’s idea!

Whomp: Troopa’s idea!

Bowser: The answer is…

Tubba Blubba: Hey, is that DK tie not on right, Roy?

Roy: Shut up so Bowser can fire somebody!

Bowser: Troopa’s idea. What was stolen was important. Had it been the vacuum, if you had found it, it would have been fine. However, the organ got the Ice Landers into Pipe Land. That is why I must do this. Koopa Troopa, you’re fired.

Tubba Blubba and Whomp walk over to the warp pipe and exit through it.

Bowser: Roy will now take you to your dungeon cell, where you will spend the next year.

Koopa Troopa: What?!

Bowser: Hey, if you have ideas like that one, you’ll have all sorts of armies invading me!

Roy takes Koopa Troopa to his dungeon cell.

Bowser: He’s deserved to be fired for a long time now.

Larry: Yeah, his teammates bailed him out so many times, but he finally ran out of luck.

Bowser: Thanks to all of you who suggested who I should fire in Lemmy’s Polls… you can vote on it again for this episode as well, so make sure you do so! Remember, I get to break all ties, as I broke a four-way tie this time, but this is proof that every vote counts, so don’t pass up your chance to vote! That’s all for this episode. I’m Bowser Koopa, saying goodbye for Roy and Larry. Remember, Exhausted Nappers love Emerald Nuts! So long until next episode!

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