Bowser's Apprentice

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 8

Bowser: Welcome to the eighth episode of Bowser’s Apprentice! I love the way you fans of this show vote, because I get to have the power yet again this episode, as the top three vote-getters ended in a three-way tie, similar to last episode’s four-way tie! That means you’ll have to watch the episode to find out who gets fired, instead of just cheating by peeking over where Lemmy posts all the polls and their results. And that means higher ratings, more coins, and more Emerald Nuts for me! Hahaha! Now where are those idiotic players?

The players, as well as Roy and Larry, come out of a warp pipe.

Bowser: Here we go. It’s time for today’s challenge.

Panser: Can we take a nap yet?

Bowser: Isn’t that what you guys did last time?

Fiery: Oh, be quiet!

Bowser: I’ll fire you!

Sumo: That doesn’t scare us anymore.

Bowser: Why not?

Croco: This apprentice job is to help you as much as it is to help one of us, so we know that you can’t fire all of us.

Bowser: You’re right… but I can coerce you to work for me without pay!

Whomp: Coerce? Isn’t that one of those things that certain baseball teams have?

Tubba Blubba: You mean a “curse”?

Whomp: That’s it!

Bowser: “Coerce” means “force”, but baseball has everything to do with today’s challenge!

All Players: Oh no!

Bowser: Mario Baseball, specifically.

All Players: OH NO!

Bowser: Come on, it’s not such a bad idea for a game! Anyway, Mario has his team together, and it’s an impressive one. How about this nine-pack?


That’s an all-star lineup! How am I going to beat them?

Panser: Use the Koopalings!

Bowser: That would be A, too easy; and B, too hard. Sure, I’d have a lineup in place in no time, but by the time they finish arguing over who bats in what order and who plays what position, it will be football season!

Fiery: It IS football season!

Bowser: True, but I challenged Mario to an exhibition game, in which I will manage a team of nine minions against Mario’s team in a mere three hours.

Sumo: So who’s on your team? Us?

Bowser: No, not you guys!

Whomp: Then who?

Bowser: I don’t know. That’s your job! You’re my scouts! You go find me nine minions who can beat Mario’s team at baseball! This will show how well you possible apprentices can adapt to sudden new ideas for Mario games that come up out of nowhere, which force us to have to play new games in order to beat Mario. For example, golf? Why would I waste my time playing golf? But I had to do so. The same goes for tennis. Baseball is a better sport, but it’s still out of the ordinary… That’s the way it goes for me, and that’s what I need a potential apprentice to be ready for.

Tubba Blubba: Who’s the team leader this episode?

Bowser: I’m going with Fiery this time. Fiery, you name the team.

Fiery: How about the Desert Land Destroyers?

Panser: NO!

Bowser: The Desert Land Destroyers it is. Now don’t destroy my team’s chances and get me a good team together!

Croco: We have three hours to do this?

Bowser: Just about… Mario won’t be happy if my team is late. Now go! You too, Roy and Larry!

The Desert Land Destroyers, Roy, and Larry jump in a warp pipe, ending up in Grass Land.

Desert Land Destroyers

The team finds a group of minions standing around doing nothing.

Fiery: I guess Bowser wanted to make it easy on us this time.

Panser: Hey, any of you know how to play baseball?

The group of minions features Goombas, Flurries, Thwomps, and Fry Guys.

Goomba: You tell me.

Whomp: It’s not that hard… All you have to do is-

Goomba: Give me a couple of arms!

Whomp: Yeah, that.

Panser: Never mind. Let’s go find some others who CAN play.

The team finds a couple more minions, one named Baseball Boy and another named Chargin’ Chuck.

Croco: Can you two play baseball?

Chargin’ Chuck: Do you have a brain?

Croco: Of course!

Chargin’ Chuck: Not after I hit you with this baseball!

Tubba Blubba: Hey, hey, why use a baseball? Just swing a baseball bat at him! It’ll hurt more!

Croco: Hey, you’re my teammate!

Baseball Boy: Come on, Chuck, find out what they want!

Fiery: We want you to play on a baseball team against Mario’s all-star lineup.

Chargin’ Chuck: Sure! Who else will be on our team?

Panser: We don’t know yet.

Whomp: We’re recruiting players for our game in three hours.

Baseball Boy: Well, let’s get going! We still need seven more players!

For about an hour, the players go through Grass Land, finding Troopas who are too busy fighting Goombas, and Goombas who are too busy fighting Troopas (not to mention the fact that they have no arms or hands).

Fiery: That’s it! We’ve got to go find more recruits.

Panser: No kidding, Einstein.

Fiery: Well, how about going to Desert Land? We Desert Land citizens are the best athletes on Plit!

Panser: Second-best to Sub-con!

The Desert Land Destroyers hop in a warp pipe to Desert Land. There, they find a Boomerang Brother sitting around throwing his boomerang.

Fiery: Boomer! Come play baseball for us!

Boomer: Okay! Your team looks pretty impressive… except for that Panser there.

Fiery: No, no, only Baseball Boy and Chuck here are on your team.

Boomer: Three-player baseball? Never heard of it.

Fiery: You moron! We still need six more players for your team! And we have only two hours to find them!

Boomer: I’d suggest others here in Desert Land, but they’re too busy preparing for the stadium for the upcoming Mario Conference Championship Game in the Nintendo Football League.

Fiery: You notice that Desert Land’s playing for the conference title, while Sub-con missed the playoffs?

Panser: Hey, we had the same record as you guys, but we missed the playoffs on a bunch of stupid tiebreakers!

Tubba Blubba: You notice that we have only two hours to find the rest of our team, and you two are arguing about football?

Fiery: And your point is?

Tubba Blubba: That you two are the only ones I know that have their priorities right.

Panser: That’s right!

Fiery: We don’t need you to tell us that we’re better than the rest of our teammates.

Whomp: What’s going on over here?

Sumo: Aren’t we supposed to be fielding a team?

Fiery: Okay, okay, we’ll get our team together! Let’s go to Giant Land! There have to be some power hitters there!

After traveling in a warp pipe over to Giant Land…

Tony Soprano Sledge Brother: What do you want?

Fiery: Uh… I sort of…

Tony Soprano Sledge Brother: You and Boomer are off playing games, I see, instead of helping us carry out our plan to take over Giant Land! Leave this pack of idiots behind and join us!

Fiery: Actually, I need you to, uh-

Tony Soprano Sledge Brother: Do I need to convince you?

Fiery: *sigh* No. But wait! I can’t go with you! I’m in this contest, and if I win it, I get a million coins and an inside job with Bowser in his castle!

Tony Soprano Sledge Brother: That could be very useful to me… You’d better win it, though!

Fiery: I could use your help. We’re fielding a baseball team, and I figure you’d be a great player.

Tony Soprano Sledge Brother: This is the last favor I ever do for you! You owe me one now!

Fiery: (whispering to Boomer) Actually, he still owes me about two million more…

Croco: What’s that, four members? We still need five more!

Panser: I’m telling you, go to Sub-con! We won the Mario Baseball League championship this year! You think we can’t win one for Bowser?

Fiery: (ignoring Panser) Let’s go to that fortress over there. There probably are some interesting characters there.

Panser is fuming, but follows the rest to the Fortress. There they find a Boom Boom and several Boos.

Fiery: Come play baseball for us!

Boom Boom: Sure!

Fiery: That was easy!

Boom Boom: Now come and stick your head in that lava pit over there!

Fiery: Hey, wait a minute…

Boom Boom: Look, loser, Iggy’s put me in charge of this fortress for a reason, and it’s not to go play baseball. These Boos can’t do the job on their own. Sorry, pal.

Tubba Blubba: We’re doing this for Bowser. He is fielding a baseball team, and he needs to beat Mario’s team. He’ll crush Iggy if he gives you any problems.

Whomp: Besides, Iggy is a paperweight! You can beat him up yourself!

Sumo: Iggy’s an idiot! Iggy’s an imbecile! Iggy’s-

Boom Boom: Alright, alright, I get your point! I’ll play ball!

Panser: Good. Now off to Sub-con!

Fiery: Are you kidding? I guarantee I can find players who want to play baseball just sitting around doing nothing around random parts of Giant Land!

Panser: No way!

Fiery: Watch this!

The team walks out of the fortress. A couple of minutes later, Fiery bumps into a Paratroopa with a baseball bat in his hands.

Fiery: Want to play baseball for us?

Paratroopa: Sure!

Panser: Alright, alright, that was just luck.

Fiery: Want me to do it again?

Panser: No, I want you to let me take us to Sub-con through a warp jar, because I know I can find very good players there.

Fiery: Look, we’ve already got six great players, and I’m sure I’ll find three more good ones without having to go to the Land of Nightmares.

Panser: It’s the Land of Dreams, and I guarantee that if you do not get a Sub-con player on our team, we will lose!

Fiery: What, are you going to throw the game for the other team? If so, you’ll be fired, and I won’t have to deal with you anymore!

Panser: No… I just know that Mario has a very strong team, and it’s very hard to beat him without Sub-con players.

Fiery: I guarantee a team of Desert Land characters could beat them!

Panser: Maybe, but it will be very hard, especially without players who have been playing together for a while.

Fiery: I guarantee these six and any other three players can win!

Panser: I don’t think so.

Fiery: I do!

Panser: I don’t!

While Fiery and Panser carry on fighting immaturely, everyone else is getting impatient. Finally, Tubba Blubba can’t take it anymore.


Fiery: I’m glad you aren’t playing baseball.

Panser: Yeah, that was one of the worst swings I’ve ever seen.

Tubba Blubba: Shut up! We have one hour to go, and you guys are just fighting about stupid stuff. Let’s just find three characters as quickly as possible and go back to Bowser!

Panser angrily follows everyone else into a warp pipe. They end up in Dark Land.

Croco: Why back here so soon?

Fiery: Because of this reason!

A Koopatrol walks over to the team.

Koopatrol: What’s going on over here?

Fiery: We need you to play baseball for us!

Sumo: It’s for Bowser’s team.

Koopatrol: Okay, sure.

Fiery: Alright, only two more players necessary.

Tubba Blubba: This is great. We’ve had to do very little work, and we already have seven players on our team.

Croco: We might finish early for once!

Whomp looks quite upset, and for good reason. He realizes that Croco has just jinxed his team, and he is right. For the next thirty minutes, the Desert Land Destroyers cannot find one new player for their team.

Fiery: Where is everyone who wants to play baseball?

Panser: In Sub-con!

Fiery: Where is everyone who wants to play baseball that can actually play well?

Panser: In- oh, never mind.

The team is feeling pretty desperate, when Fiery bumps into a Hammer Brother.

Fiery: Hammer! What are you doing here?

Hammer: Quiet! I’ve been sent on a mission from Tony in order to steal millions of coins out of Castle Koopa!

Tony: Cancel that mission. You have to help us play baseball.

Boomer: Yeah, we’ve all been conned into playing for a baseball team Fiery says is for Bowser.

Hammer: Alright, I guess I’ll join in too.

Fiery: Good. Now all we need is one more player, and no, I’m not going to Sub-con!

Panser: Oh, come on!

The Desert Land Destroyers, as well as the baseball team members, Roy, and Larry all are walking aimlessly when Tubba Blubba gets nailed by a Spiny egg.

Tubba Blubba: Who threw this? It was you, Whomp!

Whomp: I wouldn’t throw that!

Tubba Blubba: I know it was you! Just say so and you won’t get hurt!

Whomp: Why would I have a Spiny egg?

Sumo: It was that Lakitu over there that threw that Spiny Egg!

Lakitu: Oops… I dropped that.

Tubba Blubba: You dropped it pretty hard!

Lakitu: Sorry!

Fiery: Don’t worry, we’ll let you go as long as you play baseball for us!

Lakitu: Sure!

Fiery: All right! We’ve got ourselves a team of nine players! Now let’s go to Bowser!

Castle Koopa

Bowser: WHAT?!

Fiery: Oh no.

Bowser: You actually got a team together with 15 minutes still remaining? This isn’t right!

Panser: No, it isn’t! There isn’t anyone from Sub-con on the team!

Bowser: Roy and Larry, did you help them?

Roy: Of course not!

Larry: Yeah, you know yourself that if Roy had tried to “help”, there would be no players on the baseball team!

Bowser: True.

Fiery: So, is it now time for the meeting room?

Bowser: Are you kidding? This challenge isn’t over yet! You have to manage this team against Mario’s team! You’ll coach them in the game!

The players stare at each other in disbelief.

Dark Land Stadium

Bowser, Roy, Larry, the Desert Land Destroyers, Mario’s team, and Bowser’s team are all standing on a baseball field.

Bowser: Mario, we have a collection of players that is sure to beat yours. We will win this game for certain… or at least some players on this team better hope so.

Bowser’s team takes the field, with Tony Soprano Sledge Brother as their pitcher. Mario is up to bat first.

Panser: Are you sure Tony was the right selection as pitcher?

Fiery: I guarantee it!

Tony throws the first pitch right at Mario’s head.

Fiery: Hey, he’s trying to injure him and take him out already!

Panser: Too bad Mario’s using a Starman!

The baseball harmlessly bounces off Mario. Mario advances to first base. Luigi comes up to bat next.

Sumo: Throw it over the plate, buddy!

Tony takes control of the game, striking out Luigi, Wario, and Waluigi in a row.

Fiery: How’s our lineup?

Sumo: It goes like this:

Boom Boom
Baseball Boy
Chargin’ Chuck

Fiery: You’re about to find out that it takes no Sub-con players to win, Panser.

Paratroopa comes up to bat against Mario, wildly swinging and missing at two pitches.

Panser: I’m about to find out what?

Paratroopa hits the very next pitch for a base hit, making it to second base.

Fiery: That.

The rest of the team also is very good at batting, and they end up scoring many runs. Meanwhile, Tony continues to shut out the Mario team for eight innings, and coming into the top of the ninth and final inning, the score is 20-0.

Tony: I’m tired.

Fiery: That’s fine. We’ll have Baseball Boy pitch.

Baseball Boy: That’s okay with me.

Everyone but Tony goes out to the field, as Tony asks Croco a question while the rest of the Desert Land Destroyers are laughing about the blowout score.

Tony: Where do I play?

Croco: Oh, just sit on the bench. We’re up by so much that it doesn’t matter.

Tony: Okay.

Baseball Boy throws a pitch to Daisy, who swings and misses.

Tubba Blubba: Even Baseball Boy can shut them out!

Whomp sees Tony sitting on the bench.

Whomp: Yeah, we can win even without Tony playing!

Daisy: Hey, they’re playing with only eight players!

Mario: That’s-a illegal! They-a forfeit!

Fiery: What?!

Luigi: You-a must use nine players at-a all times! Baseball Boy-a threw a pitch! Your-a team forfeits automatically!

Bowser sighs in disbelief. The Mario players idiotically celebrate their 0-20 victory.

Fiery: They can’t be right about this, can they?

Bowser: They are right. We lose.

Fiery: Oh boy.

Bowser: Well, this at least gives me something to criticize you guys on! Come to my meeting room!

The Desert Land Destroyers, Roy, Larry, and Bowser head to Bowser’s meeting room.

Bowser’s Meeting Room

In a typical scene, Bowser is in his throne, looking all ready to fire someone. Roy and Larry are enjoying the fact that they are currently immune from Bowser insulting or punishing them, and the players? Well, they’re not too happy.

Bowser: I never thought any of you could be so boneheaded before today! Fiery does an excellent job recruiting as well as picking Tony as the starting pitcher, Sumo does an excellent job setting up the lineup, and somehow a couple of you manage to mess it up!

Panser: (sarcastically) Who could they be?

Bowser: Let’s start with Croco. Why tell Tony to sit on the bench? Don’t you realize you need nine players on the field when your team is on defense?

Croco: No, sir.

Bowser: WHAT?! You’re even too dumb to not know that!

Croco: Isn’t it better for me to just tell you that I didn’t know that than to give you some dumb excuse?

Bowser: Well, at least you’re being honest.

Croco: Thank you.

Bowser: But you’re still stupid!

Croco: Hey, Tony should have known that rule!

Bowser: Tony’s a Sledge Brother! He’s too big, fat, strong, and powerful to know anything!

Croco: Sort of like you?

Bowser: Yeah, sort of like- Hey! That’s the type of comment that gets you fired!

Whomp: Yes!

Bowser: I didn’t say he was fired yet, though! And that’s trouble for you, Whomp! You snitched on your own team!

Whomp: Hey, I just felt like trash-talking!

Bowser: What’s more important, trash-talking or winning the game?

Whomp: Trash- I mean, win-

Bowser: Don’t answer that. Obviously, you and Croco need some mental help.

Whomp: Thank you.

Bowser: I’d shut up if I were you!

Whomp: Well, you’re not me!

Bowser: I obviously don’t strike any fear into you, but maybe your fellow teammates will. Croco, if you were me, who would you fire? And don’t say, “I’m not you!”

Croco: Whomp. He gave away that Tony was on our bench, or we could have won anyway.

Bowser: How about you, Whomp?

Whomp: Croco, because if not for his stupidity, I would have trash-talked in a different way.

Bowser: Fiery?

Fiery: I’d fire Croco. He caused this whole mess.

Bowser: Tubba Blubba?

Tubba Blubba: Whomp made Croco’s mistake visible, so he deserves to be fired.

Bowser: Sumo?

Sumo: I’d fire Croco, who made the mistake that Whomp made visible.

Bowser: And Panser?

Panser: Fiery! He refused to add any Sub-con players to the team! No Sub-con player would get tired in the ninth inning! No, Sub-con players will battle it out for twenty innings or more, if they have to! Sub-con players are warriors! Sub-con players are-

Bowser: That’s enough! Fiery, which two players are staying with you here in the meeting room?

Fiery: Croco and Whomp.

Bowser: The rest of you may go.

Panser, Sumo, and Tubba Blubba exit out the usual warp pipe.

Bowser: Now for the real business. Fiery, why weren’t you aware of Croco’s stupid decision?

Fiery: I was laughing about the blowout score at the time.

Bowser: You too! You’re just like Whomp here! You’re too interested in making fun of the other team than concentrating on what you’re supposed to be doing!

Fiery: At least I know the rules of the game! I doubt even Whomp knew that we needed Tony out there! If I knew Tony was on the bench, I would have put him back out there! I thought he had gone out to center field, where Baseball Boy had been!

Bowser: Whomp, did you know that Tony needed to be out there?

Whomp: Let me give you a true, honest, heartfelt answer: no.

Bowser: Let me give you a true, honest, heartfelt-

Croco: “You’re fired”?

Bowser: Are you kidding? I was going to give him a true, honest, heartfelt “BOO!!!”

Roy: Hey, that’s my line!

Bowser: Well, Croco stole my line, which I am about to use. And how ironic! I’m about to use it on the one who said it!

Croco: Oh boy.

Bowser: Croco, the fact of the matter is, you caused this whole problem by telling Tony that he could sit on the bench. You should have known the rules. My apprentice must know the rules of baseball, especially considering that Mario Baseball is going to be released eventually! Croco, I have some news for you- you’re fired.

Fiery and Whomp exit out the usual warp pipe while Croco sits in silence, regretting his stupidity.

Bowser: Roy, take Croco to his dungeon cell.

Croco: Dungeon cell?

Bowser: If someone is so dumb that he doesn’t know the rules of baseball, he shouldn’t be loose in the Mushroom Kingdom, where he can do something stupid that costs me a lot of trouble! You’ll be spending at least a year there!

Roy takes Croco to his dungeon cell.

Bowser: What an idiot.

Larry: Even I know the rules of baseball!

Bowser: How many strikes and you’re out?

Larry: Four?

Bowser: *sigh* That’s all for this episode. Here’s a reminder to vote in Lemmy’s Polls for who you want to be fired from the next episode! Until next time, I’m Bowser saying goodbye for Roy and Larry. Remember, Easygoing Nincomkoops love Emerald Nuts! So long until next episode!

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