Bowser's Apprentice

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 9

Bowser: Welcome to the ninth episode of Bowser’s Apprentice presented by Emerald Nuts! I am fresh off watching the Emerald Bowl and eating my Emerald Nuts, and I’m running out of ways to shameless advertise for Emerald Nuts! Anyway, the five remaining players are about to arrive, as well as Roy and Larry.

The five remaining players, Roy, and Larry come out of a warp pipe.

Bowser: I guess I haven’t been testing you players hard enough.

Fiery: What are you talking about? When’s the last time we won a challenge? I don’t think we’ve done well since the merge!

Bowser: That’s my point! I’m getting down to the point where I am going to have to either hire one of you, or find some sort of escape clause in the contract I signed with Crazy Packers Fan so I don’t have to hire one of you clowns. The fact of the matter is, you all stink! You seem to be getting worse and worse as this challenge goes on, and I’m mad! Do any of you actually want to be my apprentice?

Whomp raises one of his spherical stubs.

Bowser: I want you to prove it during the challenge! This time, I’m sending you out on a highly dangerous mission. Yes, this one will test your mettle, that’s for sure. If you fail, well, let’s just say that there’s no way I’ll be able to hire you as my apprentice.

Panser: Why not?

Sumo: (putting his fingers in his ears) I don’t want to hear the answer!

Bowser cackles.

Bowser: Hey, I have to find better ways of motivating you, and maybe sending you all out on a life-threatening mission will do just that!

Tubba Blubba: (laughing) You know no one in the Mario Universe can die!

Bowser: Believe me, if you fail this mission, you’ll wish you were dead!

Tubba Blubba: Uh oh.

Fiery: Oh, come on, it can’t possibly be that bad! He’s just trying to scare us, that’s all!

Bowser: Okay, here goes: there’s this blue guy that looks like me known as Shadow Bowser going around spraying graffiti everywhere. I want you guys to go through these levels that look like they’re in outer space-

Panser: I quit!

Bowser almost falls out of his throne laughing.

Bowser: Haha… I got you there! That’s not the challenge, though that sounds like an incredibly stupid idea for a game.

Whomp: You were IN that game!

Bowser: Are you kidding? Nintendo wasn’t offering me enough coins to appear in Super Mario Sunshine, so I got Iggy to dress up in a Bowser suit for that game. That’s why I was so weak in that game… it wasn’t even me! Mario didn’t even appear in that game, either… ever hear of Sorry-O?

Sumo: Yes, but that’s enough about that. Tell us about our challenge.

Bowser: In this “everyone’s a winner” era in the Mario games, where you have seen me take Mario’s side in games, as well as countless minions of mine defecting to Mario’s side, you can’t trust any minion. I’m sending you out onto an island that is part of Water Land where you’ll find a group of minions, ten to be exact. Your goal is to bring me which ones are not really on my side. I already know which ones those are, thanks to Larry telling me.

Fiery: Wait, this is nonsensical! If you know that some of these aren’t on your side, why are they obliging with you for this challenge?

Bowser: Wendy has Boss Basses swimming around the island, ready to swallow anyone who tries to escape this island. There is one warp pipe that goes from here to there. Once this challenge is over, I’ll lock up the ones who are against me, and free the ones that are for me. You’ll have one hour to figure out which ones are against me, and to bring those ones back through the warp pipe. Whomp is your team leader.

Whomp: Not me!

Bowser: Yes, you. What’s your team name?

Whomp: Uh… the, uh… the Whomp Walls?

Panser: BOO!

Sumo: Can anyone think of a good name around here?

Bowser: Now get going! Jump in the warp- no, not that warp pipe! No- oh, come on! How dumb can you get?! Roy- No! Don’t- oh, Roy! Not you too, Larry! Why are they so stupid?

Whomp, Roy, and Larry just jumped in the first warp pipe they saw, not the one that Bowser wanted them to jump into.

Fiery: Will they know to come back?

Bowser: Oh, they’ll know.

Whomp, Roy, and Larry come out of the warp pipe on fire.

Roy: That was a lava pit!

Larry: I tried to rescue them, but it was too late!

Whomp: You did a fine job of “rescuing” us, Larry!

Bowser: Next time, please wait for me to tell you which warp pipe to enter. Go in that warp pipe there.

Whomp: Can I cool off first?

Everyone Else: NO!!!

Whomp: Just making sure.

Bowser: I’ll let Roy and Larry cool off, though.

Whomp: No fair!

Bowser: Get going or you’re fired!

The Whomp Walls jump into the warp pipe.

Whomp Walls

Tubba Blubba: This is way too easy! Figuring out who’s on Bowser’s side and who’s not has got to be a cinch!

Whomp: It’s never easy, or when it is, it really isn’t… oh, you know what I mean!

Fiery: Hey, what are you doing?

Panser: I’m playing my videogame!

Fiery: What is this?

Sumo: It looks like Wario Ware to me!

Fiery: No, it’s on that new double-screen system! What is it?

Panser: It’s a game where I try to win over a female Panser by playing mini-games.

Fiery: WHAT?!

Sumo: This is junk!

Sumo grabs Panser’s stylus and throws it into the nearby water.

Panser: My stylus!

Fiery grabs the system and burns it.

Panser: My system!

Fiery: That’s what you get for playing stupid videogames!

Tubba Blubba: Would you losers get over here and help us out?

Sumo: Sure.

Panser: Can it be all that difficult to figure out whether one is a Bowser supporter or hater?

Tubba Blubba: How about this Roto Disc?

Fiery: That could be a problem.

Whomp: There’s no way of knowing!

Sumo: Let me see what I can do… Hey, Roto! I’m a big Bowser fan!

Sumo tries to touch the Roto Disc, but it goes right through him without touching him.

Sumo: Yeah, he’s a Bowser supporter.

Fiery: I hope you’re right… Hey, what’s that?

A monstrous Shy Guy, nine times the size of a giant Shy Guy in Super Mario Advance, comes towards the Whomp Walls.

Whomp: RUN!!!

Panser: No. Let’s reason with him.

The Shy Guy kicks Panser into the water.

Sumo: Okay, now run!

Fiery: You idiots! This island isn’t big enough for us to run away! We have to fight!

Tubba Blubba: Shouldn’t someone rescue Panser?

Fiery: NO!

Fiery gets fireballed in the back by Panser, who has managed to swim back to shore.

Panser: You thought I was down and out, didn’t you? Now we know this guy can’t be a Bowser fan, because he kicked me into the water.

Fiery: How do we know that? I support Bowser, but I’d gladly kick you into the water! In fact, that sounds like a good idea!

The arguing duo fail to notice that their teammates have found a way to run past the Shy Guy towards the other minions on the island, while the Shy Guy is lumbering towards them.

Panser: If you dare to kick me, I’ll find a way to take revenge on you, by using my Sub-con pals!

Fiery: This Shy Guy isn’t one of your pals, obviously!

Panser: He must be one of those Sub-con Park runaways, one who doesn’t know about SURF!

The Shy Guy picks up the two arguers and tosses them into the warp pipe.

Bowser: Back so soon?

Fiery: We decided to take a short break, that’s all!

Panser: We’re going right back to work!

The two players hop back in the warp pipe.

Bowser: Ludwig’s doing a great job, controlling that Shy Guy robot… If these five were true apprentices, they’d realize that this guy is no friend of Mario’s, because he resorts to violence! Mario’s pals are babyish! They’d better figure this out soon…

Meanwhile, Panser and Fiery find the Shy Guy sinking in the water.

Panser: What did it do?

Fiery: I guess it walked off the edge.

Panser: Well, Bowser won’t mind if one of his enemies dies.

Shy Guy: Help!

Fiery: Are you kidding? We support Bowser, and you apparently don’t!

Shy Guy: But I’m Ludwig, inside a Shy Guy robot that just went out of control!

Panser: And I’m Mario, inside a Panser robot that just went out of control! Come on, you expect us to believe that?

Fiery: Let’s go help out the others.

Panser and Fiery find Tubba Blubba and Sumo beating up on a Goomba.

Tubba Blubba: This one is clearly one of Mario’s supporters!

Sumo: It doesn’t want to oblige with us to go to Bowser, so we’re using force!

Fiery: Wait a minute… How do you know?

Whomp: Sumo was kicking around his football, and it attempted to tackle him!

Panser: Too bad you’re talking about Gary Goomba, one of the players on the Grand Goombas football team!

Tubba Blubba: Oops!

Tubba Blubba and Sumo let Gary Goomba go.

Panser: Make any other “progress”?

Tubba Blubba: About as much as you guys!

Fiery: We can’t stink it up yet again!

Sumo: Well, let’s just start asking questions. Yo, Ninji!

Ninji: What do you want?

Sumo: What do you think of Bowser?

Ninji: I can’t tell you that.

Sumo: He hates Bowser! Get him!

Tubba Blubba pounces on Ninji, who drops something.

Whomp: Hey, look! I always wanted one of these! A KBI badge!

Fiery: Great! Now you’re beating up on someone who’s part of the Koopa Bureau of Investigation! Let him go, Tubba!

Tubba Blubba: Sorry, man, I was practicing my football skills.

Ninji pushes a button, causing tons of fruit juice to spill on Tubba Blubba.

Ninji: Sorry, man, I was practicing my KBI skills.

Panser: All right, all right, six more to go. Let’s find the Bowser-haters!

Wiggler: Did you say Bowser?

Panser: Yeah!

Wiggler: That Bowser-

Tubba Blubba jumps on Wiggler. Fiery can only roll his eyes before fireballing Tubba Blubba in the back, who rolls off Wiggler.

Wiggler: -has done a lot of good things for us Wigglers!

Panser: I’m starting to think that Tubba Blubba’s the Bowser-hater around here!

Sumo: Take it easy, Tubba!

Tubba Blubba: Sorry…

Whomp sees a Spike walking around.

Whomp: Hey, Spike!

Spike: Yeah?

Whomp: Do you like Bowser, or are you a Mario fan? We Bowser fans want to know!

Spike: Do you see me trying to hurt you Bowser fans?

Whomp: No. He’s a Bowser fan!

Tubba Blubba: All right, on to the next character. Who’s this?

Snifit: A Snifit, obviously!

Sumo: You like Mario?

Snifit: If I liked Mario over Bowser, would I tell you?

Sumo: Probably not.

Snifit: That’s what I thought. Why don’t you Bowser fans think of that? I’m watching you, and you think that you’ll figure out the Bowser-haters by simple interrogation. Come on, losers! Wake up!

Panser: He’s right.

Fiery: But we want to know if this guy is a Bowser fan or not, and he seems to be favoring Mario!

Panser: Not if he’s giving hints to us Bowser fans! Besides, he’s from Sub-con! No true Sub-con SURFer would go against Bowser!

Fiery: I thought no true Sub-con SURFer would go against Wart, and Wart’s not too friendly with Bowser these days! Besides, he said “you Bowser fans”! That implies he’s not one!

Panser pauses.

Panser: You’re right about all of that! He’s a Bowser-hater! Get him!

Tubba Blubba grabs Snifit.

Sumo: Three more to go… How about this Buzzy Beetle?

Whomp accidentally kicks the Buzzy Beetle into a Hoopster. Both fly into the mouth of one of the Boss Basses in the water.

Tubba Blubba: Good job, Whomp!

Whomp: Do you think either of those two had the brains to revolt against Bowser?

Sumo: No, but we’ve got to make sure!

Panser: Well, now we’re down to one… Hey, we’ve got ten minutes left! We’ve got tons of time!

Fiery: Who’s left?

Tubba Blubba: This Rex.

Whomp: Let’s use a more sophisticated way of figuring out whether this Rex is Bowser’s friend or Mario’s pal.

Sumo starts sniffing the Rex.

Fiery: That isn’t going to do it.

Sumo: Then what is?

Panser: What do you think of when you think of Luigi, Rex?

Rex: Who’s Luigi?

Panser: He’s a Bowser fan.

Fiery: How do you know for sure?

Panser: Luigi hardly ever sees Bowser, except for their kart, sports, and party games.

Fiery: Those are a lot!

Panser: Right, but not as many times as the number of times Mario and Luigi see each other! If Rex doesn’t know much about Luigi, he can’t be a Mario fan!

Fiery: What if he’s lying?

Panser: No Mario fan would tell a lie.

Fiery: I guess you’re right… Well, Tubba, take Snifit and let’s go!

Bowser’s Castle

The Whomp Walls find Bowser pacing furiously, with Wendy and Susan crying, Roy and Morton carrying large bags of coins, Larry shaking his head, Lemmy throwing Circus Balls in disgust, and Iggy kicking the wall angrily.

Fiery: What happened?

Bowser: What happened. I would think you would know!

Panser: Know what?

Iggy: Ludwig’s dead!

Larry: He drowned thanks to Fiery and Panser refusing to rescue him!

Panser: That was Ludwig?!

Fiery: Oh, great. I guess we’re fired.

Bowser: Not yet. We’re postponing the meeting until after Ludwig’s funeral.

Sumo: What are the bags of coins?

Roy: Ludwig’s inheritance.

Morton: Hey, he can’t use it, so it’s ours now!

Whomp: Where and when is this funeral?

Bowser: Right here, right now.

Ludwig jumps up out of the warp pipe.

Wendy and Susan: Ludwig!

Ludwig: What’s the matter?

Roy: Great. He’s alive!

Morton: Hide his inheritance!

Ludwig: I’ll take back my inheritance after I finish my business with these two imbeciles here, Fiery and Panser.

Lemmy: How did you survive?

Ludwig: I turned that robot into a submarine as it was sinking. Yes, a brilliant mind is a beautiful thing to have!

Bowser: I’d normally let you settle your differences with these two, Ludwig, but we are in the middle of a competition.

Ludwig: All right, whatever.

Bowser: But as a consolation, I’m inviting you all to the meeting!

Fiery: That ought to make it more fun.

Bowser: A lot more fun.

Bowser’s Meeting Room

Bowser is seated in his usual throne, with all of the Koopalings and Susan on cool-looking seats. The five Whomp Walls are seated in their usual seats around their usual table.

Fiery: Ludwig’s near-death notwithstanding, did we succeed or fail the challenge?

The Koopalings look at each other, about to laugh.

Bowser: Actually, you didn’t do as badly as you may have thought. You brought me Snifit, which was correct. However, he was not the only enemy of mine.

Tubba Blubba: I knew we should have brought back the Buzzy Beetle and the Hoopster!

Bowser: No, you were correct in not bringing those two. Spike, however, was one, and he does not appear to be here.

Fiery: That was your fault, Whomp!

Whomp: Why me?

Fiery: You were the one who told us he wasn’t against Bowser!

Whomp: Well, he wasn’t using violence towards us Bowser fans, so-

Bowser: There’s your problem! Mario supporters don’t use violence!

Whomp: But he never said he was on Mario’s side!

Bowser: No kidding! Why would he give it away? Did he ever say he was on my side?

Whomp: No, but-

Bowser: So he didn’t lie, another proof that he’s on Mario’s side.

Whomp: But why didn’t someone else tell me I was wrong?

Bowser: You’re the team leader! Take some responsibility for yourself!

Whomp: What about their responsibility?

Bowser: I’m not talking about them, am I?

Whomp: No, but-

Bowser: You know, you’re making this really easy for me, Whomp.

Panser: Yeah, you’re making him forget that Fiery and I almost killed- oops.

Bowser: Yeah, oops. I hadn’t forgotten anyway.

Tubba Blubba: Oh, come on! Like you wanted Ludwig to survive!

Bowser: Ludwig’s my second-in-command! I can’t have him die! We’re family here! We back each other up, no matter what our differences with each other are!

Fiery: We in the Soprano Brother mob know the value of respect.

Bowser: That’s what I like to see, someone who values respect. Tubba Blubba obviously has no care for family respect, and that’s not something I want out of my apprentice.

Sumo: Are we going to choose who we would fire now?

Bowser: Sure, go right ahead, Sumo.

Sumo: I choose Whomp, who failed to bring Spike.

Bowser: How about you, Tubba Blubba?

Tubba Blubba: I agree. Whomp must go. If not for him, we would have actually succeeded fully in this challenge.

Bowser: Whomp?

Whomp: Fire Tubba Blubba! He has no care for your family and respect!

Bowser: Who would you fire, Fiery?

Fiery: Panser! He almost killed Ludwig!

Bowser: Finally, it’s your turn, Panser.

Panser: I’d fire Fiery! He also almost killed Ludwig, not just me!

Bowser: All right, Whomp, you may now pick two of your teammates to stay with you right here.

Whomp: I choose no-respect Tubba Blubba and almost-murderer Panser.

Panser: Why me and not Fiery?

Whomp: Fiery at least shows respect for Bowser’s family.

Bowser: All right, Sumo and Fiery, you may go.

Sumo and Fiery exit out the usual warp pipe.

Bowser: Whomp, you’re fired.

Whomp: What?!

Bowser: I’m not joking. You’re fired. That’s it. Case closed.

Whomp: What was all of that about Panser nearly killing Ludwig and Tubba showing no respect for your family?

Bowser: That was to create a false sense of drama. You totally failed in this mission. Everyone else showed me a whole lot of potential, while you found multiple ways of failing. The Spike situation, the kicking away Buzzy Beetle and Hoopster situation, the lack of responsibility… you’re fired. You may leave, Panser and Tubba.

Panser and Tubba Blubba exit out the usual warp pipe.

Bowser: Take Whomp to his dungeon cell, Roy.

Whomp: Dungeon?!

Bowser: If you can’t figure out if someone is on Mario’s side or on my side, how do I know if you’re on my side? You’re going to be somewhere where you can’t harm me, my family, or anyone on my side, for at least a year.

Roy takes Whomp to his dungeon cell. Meanwhile, Bowser gets a call on his cell phone.

Bowser: No! No! No! I’ll show you!

Bowser hangs up.

Larry: What was that about?

Bowser: Emerald Nuts has pulled their sponsorship of this show due to the fact that they’re sick of me eating tons of boxes of their free samples they’ve been supplying me. But I have a backup sponsor for this show!

Bowser puts on a chicken mask.

Bowser: Come to Cluckin’ Bell! Chicken, calories, cholesterol- we’ve got it all!

Larry: *sigh* So long until next time.

Read on!

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