Part 6: Woohoo Hooniversity
Mario and Luigi come to a crash landing in front of the castle. Their old friends, the guards, spot them.
BB Guard 1: Who are these guys?
BB Guard 2: They are really rude, interrupting the championship match of Pokershroom.
Luigi gets up and brushes himself off.
Luigi: Championship? I only see you two.
BB Guard 1: We have split personalities.
Luigi: … Whatever.
Lady Lima runs out of the castle.
Lady Lima: Oh good, you’re here! Please follow me to the queen!
Luigi: Lady-
Lady Lima: Please no talking!
She leads them to where they fought Queen Bean. On the way Lady Lima strikes up a one-sided conversation
Lady Lima: Since you’ve been gone we’ve kept Queen Bean inside the force field in case she wakes up. She hasn’t though.
Luigi: Lady Lima, I-
Lady Lima: Please don’t interrupt!
Luigi: But you finished talking!
Lady Lima: How dare you talk back to me? Oh good, we’re here!
Lady Lima hits a switch, turning off the force field.
Luigi: Lady Lima, we didn’t get the soda!
Lady Lima: Oh that’s okay; Queen Bean doesn’t like it that much anyways.
Luigi: …? No! The soda required to heal her! The soda that you sent us on a really long quest for!
Lady Lima: Oh, that soda! That’s okay, we don’t need it.
Luigi: You mean you sent us for it for no reason?!
Lady Lima: Oh no! I just wanted to boss people around.
Luigi: … So how do you cure her?
Lady Lima: Poke her stomach.
Luigi: I hate you.
Mario: Whee!
Mario jumps on Queen Bean, shooting out a black worm. A strange light then fills the area. Soon Queen Bean’s true form is revealed.
Luigi: It looks like all her muscles got transferred into fat.
Queen Bean: HAHAHA! I’m me again! Thank you, Mario Bros!
Luigi: Uh, yeah.
Suddenly a Beanbean person runs in.
BB Person: Prince Peasley’s out front and he wants the Mario Bros!
So Mario and Luigi meet with Prince Peasley.
Peasley: Aha! It is those scalawags that knocked me down the mountain! You almost broke my shine! Prepare for a duel!
He pulls out a sword but Lady Lima stops him from skewering Luigi.
Lady Lima: Don’t fight! I need you guys to go to Woohoo Hooniversity because Cackletta is there!
Luigi: If it means not getting stabbed, okay!
Peasley: I am not working with these guys! I am going to go have a temper tantrum!
Lady Lima: Oh no you don’t! Your mother is going to have a talk with you!
She grabs him by the ear and starts pulling him away.
Peasley: Ow! Stop it! You big bully! I don’t like you anymore!
Luigi: Right.
They pull out the map they got way back in Stardust Fields (Does anybody remember that?) and head off to Woohoo Hooniversity. However, when they get there some more guards are blocking the way.
Luigi: Ugh! Is there like an unlimited supply of you guys?
Woohoo Hooniversity Guard 1: I think there is a machine deep in the castle that shoots one of us out every week or so.
Luigi: You’ve got to be kidding me.
WH Guard 2: So what do want?
Luigi: To leave.
WH Guard 3: Okay!
Luigi: But I can’t, so could you please let us in?
WH Guard 1: You have to say please first!
Luigi: … I DID!
WH Guard 2: Liar.
Luigi: I hate you guys.
WH Guard 3: We’ll let you in if you play Pokershroom with us!
Luigi: Is that the only thing on your minds?
WH Guard 1: Yes.
Luigi: Well forget this. I’m going back to the castle and have Prince Peasley do this.
Suddenly Mario grabs Luigi and barrels through the guards, making a beeline for Woohoo Hooniversity. The guards start running after them shouting clever insults.
WH Guard 2: Jerk!
WH Guard 3: Stupidhead!
Or not. Soon Mario and Luigi make it to Woohoo Hooniversity. They run inside and barricade the doors. The guards bounce off the door.
Luigi: Phew! I don’t think they can get in now.
He turns to Mario.
Luigi: I just want to know one thing. Why did you do that, you psycho?!
Mario: Crikey!
Luigi: What the? When have you ever said that?
Narrator: He said it in Super Mario Sunshine, when you got him to run into walls enough times.
Luigi: But he’s Italian and “crikey” is Australian.
Narrator: Look, just deal with it.
Luigi: Wait! Can you please explain to me why I’m stuck doing this idiotic adventure with my brother?
Narrator: Hey, don’t look at me. I don‘t control anything. You’d have to talk to the author and right now I think he’s busy coming up with new ways to torture you.
Luigi: What?
Narrator: Uh nothing, just keep going.
Luigi: I hate this.
Mario and Luigi can’t take another step before…
Luigi: What?
I said before…
Luigi: Why aren’t you finishing your sentences?
Narrator: Ugh! Look, you heard a noise!
Luigi: I did?
Narrator: Just work with me okay?
Luigi: Why do you talk so much this time?
Narrator: What? I’ve always been talking, I’m the narrator.
Luigi: No, I mean to me.
Narrator: Why?
Luigi: Because… well you are getting on my nerves.
Narrator: I’m sorry, but Lord Drash said if I didn’t involve myself more I’d get fired.
Luigi: Well, you involved yourself a lot, so please just do what you normally do.
Narrator: All right.
Anyway, Mario and Luigi hear a noise.
Luigi: I still don’t… wait. I do hear something.
Mario and Luigi jump out of the way of a doorway as a bunch of Woohoo Hooniversity students came barreling around a corner… and crash right into the door.
WH Students: Ow! Owie! What the? Why is the door closed?
They try to open the door, only in their stupidity, the WH Guards locked it too! Now no one can get in or out!
Luigi: What idiot would make a door where it’s possible to have both the inside and outside lockable?
WH Student: That would be me. Are you calling me, Bob, an idiot?
Luigi: Yes.
Bob: Okay.
Luigi: Why were you guys running away?
The other students (George, Fred, Carl, Liz, Sarah, Carol, and the others, whose parents didn’t name them because their parents are lazy bums that deserve to-
Luigi: You can stop now.
Narrator: Fine.
George: It was horrible! Just horrible!
Luigi: What was?
Liz: Our teachers, our teachers… gave us a lot of homework!
All the students break down crying.
Fred: Don’t forget Cackletta turned them into monsters.
Carl: But that’s not nearly as bad as the homework!
Luigi: What kind of homework?
Sarah: We have to laugh for a minute every day!
Luigi: You guys are just sad.
Suddenly a whole bunch of professors-turned monsters come screaming in.
Carol: Come on, guys! Let’s take them out!
The students enter battle with their professors. During the fight Luigi sees a door that reads “This way to Cackletta”. Luigi shrugs and Mario begins to open the door. Suddenly a student is thrown into a wall knocking down a block that had a sign on it that reads “To destroy please use sunlight”.
Luigi: What? Sunlight?
The student gets up.
Student: Oh yeah, there is a sun room and an unbelievably complex set of mirrors that eventually will shine all the way over here. But first you have to set them up. Head in that direction.
He points to another door.
Luigi: Fine! Fine! I knew it was too easy! We didn’t go on our usual long quest! Oh well, let’s go, Mario.
Mario: Okeydokey!
They trudge along. Fortunately there are no monsters to fight because of the big battle. Eventually they reach the sun room. In it several statues, some red and some blue, sit. Luigi sees a sign.
Luigi: Okay, it says to open the sun door.
He looks at a large door.
Luigi: To open the sun door use the statues to- NO!
Mario: Whee!
Mario launches a statue at the sun door and breaks it open. A sunbeam comes through.
Luigi: Well I guess that works tpo. Now all we need to do is turn the mirrors.
Meanwhile, with Fawful and Cackletta…
Cackletta: Eeyah ha ha! Soon the Beanstar will be awakened! Fawful, how you doing on the Peach-bots?
She turns around and sees Fawful is working on something that doesn’t look like Peach.
Fawful: Peach-bot? Oh no! Fawful has made great mistake! Soon the world will crumble and great Cackletta will rule it but Fawful will be eaten by cannibalistic muffins!
Cackletta: What are you talking about? What are those?
Fawful: I have made Fawful-bots!
Cackletta: … Why?
Fawful: I look good as a robot.
Cackletta: Die!
Cackletta blasts him with lightning.
Fawful: OWWW! I am feeling great pain but Cackletta is greater!
Cackletta: I think that is annoying.
Fawful: Sorry!
Back to Mario and Luigi…
Mario and Luigi have continued moving the mirrors around to reflect sunlight. They are on their last one. They enter a room and see…
Luigi: Oh no! Not one of those laser-faces again!
Mario: Whee!
Luigi: Okay, this time you take the barrel…
He hands Mario a barrel that is in the room.
Luigi: …and reflect the laser. I will stand over by this disturbing statue.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Luigi: This should be good.
Mario stands on the footpad. The face shoots out a laser which bounces off the barrel and hits the statue. The statue then explodes, sending Luigi on top of the control panel, which electrocutes him.
Luigi: Ow.
Mario: Crikey!
A door opens. Mario drags Luigi into the next room. Mario sees a switch. He uses Luigi’s head to hit it.
Luigi: OWWW! You are horr- What the!
A crane picks Luigi up and throws him in a barrel. Mario walks over to the barrel.
Luigi: Could you please let me out?
Mario: Okeydokey!
Mario pushes Luigi’s barrel, which goes rolling out into the hallway.
Luigi: AAAAAHH!
Mario: Let’s-a go!
Mario follows into the hallway to see that Luigi’s barrel hit the last mirror, which is now focusing the beam of light onto the block at the start. It explodes knocking all the monsters and students out. Luigi crawls out of the barrel.
Luigi: Not cool.
Mario: Willy Wonka.
Luigi: Not going to even try and understand.
The two Brothers enter the room where Cackletta is. Inside they see… Fawful-bots! And Fawful and Cackletta!
Cackletta: Oh shoot! Peach- I mean Fawful-bots, activate! I hope this works…
The Fawful-bots turn on.
Fawful-bots: Eeyah ha ha! Eeyah ha ha! Eeyah ha ha! Eeyah ha ha!
Cackletta: Great.
The Beanstar wakes up. And blows through the floor!
Cackletta: Grr. Well I guess it’s time we fight! Ee-AAAHHHH!
A large chunk of ceiling falls on Cackletta. Through it comes… Prince Peasley!
Fawful: Don’t worry, Mistress; I will suck up your essence!
Cackletta: What… No…
Fawful sucks her up with his headgear.
Fawful: And now to… run like a little bunny!
He flies through the hole in the ceiling.
Luigi: Thanks Prince, but now-
Prince Peasley: I will destroy you two! Yaahh!
He tackles Mario and Luigi and they fall through the hole in the floor. They land in the basement; where Popple and Rookie are just about to steal the Beanstar!
Rookie: Luigi!
Luigi: Rookie!
Popple: Red!
Mario: Kill!
Popple: AAAHHH!
Fawful-bot: Eeyah ha ha! Eeyah ha ha! Eeyah ha ha!
Everyone: Uh oh.
They all jump on the furious Beanstar as it flies into the sky.
Mario: Whee!
He falls off.
Prince Peasley: This better not affect my shine!
He falls off.
Popple: I stole my own wallet!
He falls off.
Luigi: What?
He falls off.
Rookie: I know who I am! I am… a used car salesman from California!
He falls off. The Beanstar then breaks
into four pieces and scatters over Beanbean Kingdom!
Part 7: Oho Oasis to Beanbean Airport
Luigi crashlands on an island called Oho Oasis. Mario is stuck in some sand. Luigi gets up and sees two crabs smacking Mario. Like the good brother he is he decides to help Mario.
Luigi: HAHA! Take that, Mario! Yes! This is good! Wait… NO!
Mario pops out of the ground, grabs the two crabs, and tosses them at Luigi.
Mario: Take that, you cruel brother! I mean, it’s-a me, Mario!
Luigi: Ow! Get off me! No, don’t yank on my h- OW!
Eventually Luigi gets the crabs off. They scuttle into the ocean. Luigi gives Mario a few death glares. They start walking across the beach and Luigi sees some strange round red and blue creatures…
Red Oho Jee: Oh! I am sun! Whee!
Luigi: Bizarre, they sound just like Mario!
Mario: Why you little- I mean, okeydokey!
Luigi: (suspiciously) Are you really smarter than you let on? Are you just acting like an idiot for your own amusement? Or do you want revenge for some obscure thing I did?
Mario: Okeydokey!
Luigi: Right.
Blue Oho Jee: Stars are twinkly!
Mario and Luigi soon encounter a group of scientists.
Scientist 1: Okay, now for the first experiment: How resistant are they?
They grab a red Oho Jee and then light it on fire.
Luigi: What the…?
Red Oho Jee: Fire wet! Fire wet!
Scientist 2: Interesting… Hey Steve, can you help me hook up the recorder?
Steve: Sure!
They prepare to plug the recorder into a tree when suddenly a blue Oho Jee runs up and gets electrocuted by the wire.
Blue Oho Jee: Fishy! Fishy!
The red and blue Oho Jee run around until they collide with each other. They fuse and become… Purple Oho Jee!
Scientists: Fascinating!
Purple Oho Jee: Musical number! (Singing) We are Oho Jee! Teehee! We will dance and prance until our heads explode! Oh yes, we are Oho Jee! Tee hee!
A chorus of regular Oho Jee come in.
Chorus: We will rock you! We will sock you! We will turn upside down and dance with a clown because… We are Oho Jee! Teehee!
Luigi: Mario I think we should leave…
Mario: Okeydokey!
They slip off while the scientists take notes and the Oho Jee continue singing. Eventually they come to a temple with a lightning bolt over it. They enter. They come to a fence.
Luigi: Wait… I know how to do this! Mario, hit me!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Mario whacks Luigi with his hammer, sending him under the fence. Luigi pops out on the other side and heads into a doorway. Inside a big ball full of electricity resides.
Luigi: Cool!
A spirit floats into view…
Luigi: AAHHH! Ghost!
Thunder Spirit: I will not hurt you! No, I want you to touch the glowing ball!
Luigi: Won’t it hurt?
Thunder Spirit: No…
Luigi: Well I don’t want to do it!
Thunder Spirit: Too bad! DO IT!!!
Luigi: Okay.
Luigi walks up and tentatively touches the ball.
Thunder Spirit: Heehee! Now you will be electrocuted!
Luigi: Uh, no.
Thunder Spirit: What?
Luigi: After all those times I got electrocuted, I put on rubber gloves, so in your face!
Thunder Spirit: Oh no! You have outsmarted me! I can only hope your brother isn’t as smart!
Luigi: Him, smart? HAHA!
Luigi heads out through the now open fence.
Luigi: Okay Mario, let’s go!
They go to the other temple. This one has a flame symbol on it. Inside there is a tiny hole, so Luigi whacks Mario and he goes into the tiny hole. He pops out in a room with a big flame ball. A drop of water falls on Mario, making him big again. A spirit appears.
Fire Spirit: Touch the flamy ball!
Mario: You touch it!
Fire spirit: What? I am incorporeal, I cannot touch it!
Mario: What’s wrong, afraid?
Fire Spirit: No… just nervous.
He reaches out and gets fried.
Fire Spirit: Impossible! You and your brother outsmarted both of us! Meet us outside the temples.
So Mario and Luigi head out of the temples. The two spirits are there.
Fire Spirit: Well now we have to grant you a wish.
Mario: Mushrooms!
Thunder Spirit: I don’t think we can do that…
Luigi: Look, just tell us how we can get to Beanbean Castle Town.
Fire Spirit: Well there is the flooded underwater passage…
Luigi: One problem with that.
Thunder Spirit: Oh? What is it?
Luigi: How are we supposed to breathe underwater?!
Fire Spirit: Oh, you have a point.
Thunder Spirit: Well we could just teleport them there…
Luigi: Fine! Just do it!
Spirits: Alright… Teleport!
Nothing happens.
Spirits: Um, I guess we’ll have to fly over there.
The spirits grab Mario and Luigi and start flying towards the castle. They pass over the still singing Oho Jee…
Singing Oho Jee: Fishes are sweet and muffins are neat but nothing compares to us! We are Oho Jee. Teehee!
Luigi: Bizarre.
Meanwhile, deep in Stardust Fields, Fawful stumbles on an unconscious Bowser.
Fawful: Oh Mistress, will this one do?
Cackletta: YES! Just pick a person to put my essence in already! This is the eighth person we ran into!
Fawful: Here you go!
Cackletta’s essence pours into Bowser…
Bowletta: Heehee, haha! I’m incredibly disturbing!
Fawful: Of course, Mistress.
Beanbean Castle…
The spirits drop Mario and Luigi off. A Beanbean person runs up to them.
Beanbean Person: Oh good, you’re here! You must go to the airport, Princess Peach is landing!
Luigi: Great! Let’s go.
On the way to the Beanbean Airport…
Luigi: Why is it impossible for us to relax? As soon as we solve one problem we encounter another! And another! I feel terribly rushed.
Mario: Shut up.
Luigi: What?
Mario: Whoops, uh crikey!
Luigi: Fine. Be that way.
At the Beanbean Airport…
Lady Lima: Oh good, you are here!
Luigi looks around and sees several Piranha Plants and a big egg on the runway.
Luigi: What’s up with that stuff?
Lady Lima: We don’t like gardening.
Luigi: Right.
Princess Peach’s airplane suddenly comes flying in and squashes all the plants.
Lady Lima: Oh phoo! I liked those plants! Well anyways, Mario, Luigi please meet us back at the castle!
Luigi: What?! We were just at the stupid castle! Ugh, let’s go.
Beanbean Castle…
Mario and Luigi finally get back. Queen Bean greets them.
Queen Bean: Hello! For some reason Prince Peasley isn’t here but I’m sure he’s fine. Anyways here’s Princess Peach!
Princess Peach walks in and prepares to talk…
Luigi: Wait! When she talks, explosives come out!
Princess Peach: Oh, don’t worry, one of the Toads that likes wearing women’s clothes dressed up as me that day.
Luigi: Wait; don’t they all enjoy wearing women’s clothes?
Princess Peach: Oh, you’re so silly! Come Luigi, let’s talk.
And so they head into the castle. Meanwhile…
Prince Peasley: Alright everyone, calm down. The first meeting of Mario Bros. Haters Anonymous is in order. Border Bros, please tell us the plan for today.
Border Bro 1: Alright, so let’s take roll call first… Minecart Guy?
Minecart Guy: Here.
Border Bro 1: Several Beanbean guards?
Beanbean Guards: Present.
Border Bro 1: Popple?
Popple: Thief! I mean here.
Border Bro 1: Bubbles?
Bubbles: Here.
Border Bros 2: Well everyone else is out trying to find the Bros. Let’s go to Step 1 of our program: Destroying the Mario Bros!
All: Gwahaha! We will have our revenge!