Part 8: Teehee Valley, Little Fungitown, and Guffawha Ruins
After greeting Princess Peach and heading back to the castle, the Mario Bros. enter the throne room where Lady Lima, Peach, Queen Bean, and Toadsworth are all waiting for them.
Lady Lima: Oh good! You’re here! I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while!
Luigi: What about?
Lady Lima: Well now that the Cackletta problem is taken care of- Yes Luigi?
Luigi: What do you mean taken care of? Fawful sucked up her essence and ran off.
Lady Lima: How dare you interrupt me?!
Luigi: But you said I could talk!
Lady Lima: Insolence! Be quiet! Now as I was saying, now that the Cackletta problem is gone I needed another way to keep you here- I mean I found out that there is a town of Toads you should go to, in Beanbean Kingdom! (whispering to herself) I can’t let them go back to the Mushroom Kingdom, we’re still conquering it!
Luigi: What did you say? Did anyone else hear what she said?
Unfortunately Peach was to busy flirting with Mario and Queen Bean was to busy smiling. Oh and Toadsworth is old so his hearing isn’t too good.
Lady Lima: So it’s agreed! The Mario Bros. will escort Princess Peach to Little Fungitown!
Luigi: Great.
Lady Lima: By the way, have you seen Prince Peasley?
Meanwhile in the Mario Haters Anonymous (MHA) secret headquarters…
Prince Peasley: So you two are saying you’d like to join Mario Haters Anonymous?
Cork: Yes! They said we didn’t have French accents and that our barrel game was stupid, and tricked us into a locked room! Wait; there is something not right there…
Prince Peasley: Don’t worry about it. Now, any questions before I give you your mission?
Cask: Yes! Why did you blindfold us when you took us here?
Prince Peasley: It’s a secret headquarters! You can’t know where it-
Suddenly Queen Bean opens the door.
Queen Bean: Oh my! You should have told me you were having friends come over, I would have made snacks!
Prince Peasley: Mom, please! We’re trying to destroy the Mario Bros!
Queen Bean: Oh, can’t you do that outside? You spend too much time in your stuffy room! Why don’t you play with your flying bean thing?
Prince Peasley: It’s a hoverseat and I’m very busy!
Queen Bean: Fine, but I’m going to open these curtains! It’s to dark in here!
Prince Peasley: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
She opens the curtains, giving everyone in Beanbean Kingdom (including the Mario Bros. as they leave the castle grounds) a clear view inside Peasley’s bedroom!
Queen Bean: There! That’s better!
She leaves. Peasley jumps up and shuts the curtain. Cork and Cask are left speechless.
Prince Peasley: Now where was I? Ah yes, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get to the entrance to Little Fungitown, intercept the Mario Bros, and destroy them! A few guards are coming with you.
Cork: But that’s impossible!
Cask: Right! It is an Impossible Mission!
Both: We accept!
Prince Peasley: Good!
At the entrance to Teehee Valley…
Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toadsworth are unable to get inside Teehee Valley because a huge rock blocks their path.
Luigi: Odd, I feel like I’ve done this before…
Flashback…
Fawful: Eeyah ha ha! Since you will not be smashing this rock of bigness, you will not get down mountain of tallness!
Sledge: We’ll give you a rock smashing hammer!
Mallet: Hey! We never said that!
Luigi: Quiet! This is my flashback!
End back of flash, I mean flashback…
Luigi: Strange, I feel like my memory's off… Oh well, I think we need to find the Hammer-
????: Hammer Bros!
Luigi: What the?
Sledge and Mallet suddenly jump out of a bush.
Mallet: You rang?
Luigi: How long were you behind the bush?
Sledge: Well ever since those big mean Border Bros. broke a hole through our roof, we’ve been in the market for a new home!
Mallet: Yeah! This bush is our newest one! I don’t like it though, it's too green.
Luigi: Right. Wait, didn’t your other house have a huge hole in the floor?
Sledge: Yep!
Luigi: Yet, because there was one in the roof you moved out.
Mallet: Correct!
Luigi: Whatever. Look, could you help us?
Sledge: Looks like you’re in need of some Super Hammers!
Luigi: Isn’t that an upgrade of hammers that we already have?
Mallet: Yes- Wait, when did you get hammers? We never gave you any.
Luigi: Um, well, you see…
Sledge: Did you STEAL our hammers?!
Luigi: Well, um…
Mallet: Did you knock the Border Patrol Bros. off the mountain and into our house, BREAKING said house as a ploy to steal the hammers?
Mario: Crikey!
Sledge: Oh, okay! Here’s some Super Hammers!
They give the Mario Bros. some more powerful hammers. They leave. Mario smashes open the entrance to Teehee Valley.
Luigi: Wait, what just happened there? How did you do that, Mario?
Mario: It’s-a me, Mario!
Luigi: Right, no coherent answer is possible from you or anyone else in this stupid kingdom.
At the entrance to Little Fungitown…
Cork: All right guards, are you ready?
Guards: For what?
Cask: Mario and Luigi, of course!
Guard: What about them?
Cork: Hello! Don’t you remember, we’re supposed to stop them?
Guard: Why bother? The big monster will get them.
Cask: Big monster?
Guard: Right behind you.
They turn around.
Cork and Cask: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
At the entrance to Teehee Valley…
Toadsworth: Now I want you to carry the princess and make sure she’s always in the shade and-
Luigi: How are we supposed to keep her in the shade? We’re in a desert!
Toadsworth: Figure something out! Now as I was saying: Have snacks every twenty minutes, tell her she’s really cute, and above all else take good care of the princess! I need to go.
Luigi: Where?
Toadsworth: You’re not old enough yet to understand.
Luigi: Okay, that alone makes me not want to know.
Toadsworth: Bye!
He leaves. Peach stares at Luigi.
Luigi: What?
Peach: Carry me!
Luigi: Me? Why? Mario’s your boyfriend!
Peach: You’re right! Carry us both!
Luigi: What! No way! I am not going to do this.
Later…
Luigi: I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Luigi is struggling to carry both Mario and Peach.
Peach: Stop!
Luigi: What now?
Peach: It’s been twenty minutes and I want my snack!
Luigi: Fine!
Luigi unceremoniously dumps them on the ground.
Peach: Ow! Why you! I demand that you sit on that!
She points at what appears to be a rock with a big spike on top of it.
Luigi: No!
Peach: Fine! Then you don’t get a snack!
Luigi: *grumble*
He kicks the rock. It pops up! It’s not a rock, it is a Gritty Goomba!
Gritty Goomba: Ow! Just because I’m small, doesn’t mean you can kick me around! Take this!
He jumps all over the pasta Peach was preparing for Mario.
Mario: O_O! PAIN!
He grabs Luigi and the Goomba.
Luigi: Uh oh.
A little bit later…
Luigi is sitting on the pointy spike on the Goomba, while Peach sits on Luigi. Mario is behind them, occasionally kicking Luigi and the Goomba.
Luigi: Ow. Wait! A sign!
The sign reads “Entrance to Little Fungitown just ahead, entrance to Guffawha Ruins to the left.”
Luigi: Finally!
He jumps off the Goomba and punts it. Then Mario lets Peach down. They go past the sign… when suddenly they are attacked by a large tree!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Trunkle (the tree): Smash!
Trunkle picks up the KO’d bodies of the guards, Cork, Cask and throws them at Mario, Peach, and Luigi. Mario skillfully deflects them, by using Luigi as a shield!
Luigi: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Trunkle roars and an elevator squashes him flat,
Luigi: What the?
A pair of Toads gets off.
Toad: Look! It's Mario!
Toad 2: Let’s take them to our town!
Peach: Oh Mario, you’re my hero!
Luigi: Yeah, sure he is.
Peach: Oh good, I’m glad you agree with me!
Luigi: *sigh*
Inside Little Fungitown…
Toad: As you can see, we live on giant mushrooms.
Luigi: Aren’t you worried you’ll fall off or the mushrooms will break?
Toad: No, the people on Isle Delfino made it and for some reason, there is an invisible wall that prevents us from falling off.
Luigi: I see.
Peach: I want a present!
Luigi: For what?
Peach: I hiked all the way here, I think I deserve SOMETHING for my troubles!
Luigi: I carried you all the way here!
Peach: Why you! I’m not speaking to you anymore!
Luigi: Thank goodness!
Toad: The highlights of our town are its hospital and arcade.
Luigi: Doesn’t that say something about a place? When one of the main highlights is a hospital?
Toad: It’s not our fault! Some people are allergic to Mushrooms!
Luigi: Right.
Peach: I want to see the hospital!
Mario: Pasta!
Toad: Okay, I’ll escort Mario and Luigi to the arcade.
Luigi: When did anyone say anything about an arcade?!
At the arcade…
Really loud Toad guy: We have a new thing in! An Invincishroom! It makes people sick- I mean invincible and restores them to tiptop fighting ability!
Toads: YAY!
They go in and meet the arcade owner.
Luigi: How do we get the Invincishroom?
Arcade Owner: You must get a score of over 200 on the only game that actually works! Wait, are you the Mario Bros?
Luigi: Yes.
Arcade owner: Well because you guys are so good at games, you need to beat 546!
Luigi: WHAT?!
Mario: Crikey!
Mario whacks the guy in the back of the head. Then he grabs the green Invincishroom. A bunch of security guards pop up.
Security: You can’t do that! Prepare to be “escorted” out of Little Fungitown!
A fight ensues. The arcade collapses.
Luigi: Oh shoot! I just know I’m going to be blamed for this and you’re going to get away scot-free!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Mario pops the Invincishroom in his mouth.
Mario: X_X
He collapses!
Luigi: Mario? What’s going on? Mario!
At the hospital…
Doctor: Yep, no doubt about it. He has Italianitis!
Luigi: What’s that?
Doctor: It makes people fat, wear strange clothing, and have a weird obsession with pasta and Mushrooms.
Luigi: He’s always like that! He’s Mario!
Doctor: Oh, well I'd better take a closer look then.
Peach: Is he going to be okay?
Doctor: No.
Peach: Oh phoo! Now I need another boyfriend.
She looks Luigi up and down.
Peach: No, too ugly.
Luigi: Hey!
Peach: How about, Wario! He’s rich, and I’m sure he likes me!
Doctor: Well it looks like Mario has Bean Fever!
Luigi: What’s that?
Doctor: Well it’s not common but if we don’t act fast, in three days Mario will become a walnut!
Luigi: Why is it called bean fever then?
Doctor: Well the guy who first got it, really liked Beans!
Luigi: Right. There is no cure, right? (Please!)
Doctor: There is! Crabby Grass in Guffawha Ruins! But be warned: A really scary statue lives there.
Luigi: Well shoot! I’m not going to get it!
Peach: Oh yes you are!
Luigi: Why do you care? I thought you were going to date Wario!
Peach: Well I want Mario more, yellow clashes with pink! That’s why I hate Daisy.
Luigi: Why do I have to get it? He’s your boyfriend!
Peach: Well I have to stay here! Just in case you’re too late, I'd better get things prepared for Wario.
Luigi: Fine!
Luigi leaves.
Luigi: Well, I have three days, so I can take my sweet time.
He casually strolls past a house. Suddenly a big blast of fire shoots through a hole in the roof. Luigi faces a Toad.
Luigi: Who lives there?
Toad: Psycho Kamek.
Luigi: Don’t you mean Psychic Kamek?
Suddenly Kamek pops out of the house with a manic look in his eye.
Kamek: I need to hypnotize! I’m all out of victims!
Toad: No, I mean Psycho Kamek.
Kamek spots Luigi.
Kamek: Ah! An Italian! Here, come to my house!
He drags Luigi into his house.
Kamek: So what seems to be troubling you?
Luigi tells him about Mario’s bean fever.
Kamek: I see. Well let me see what I can do. You are getting very sleepy!
Luigi: No wait! I don’t want to be ZZZZZZZZZZ.
He falls asleep.
Kamek: Now would be the perfect time to have some fun! When I wave my wand you are now …The Heroic Chicken!
He waves his wand.
Luigi: *chicken noises*
He jumps up and starts flapping his arms heroically.
Kamek: Okay now, you are a Koopa!
Luigi starts walking into a wall, over and over.
Kamek: Haha! I haven’t had this much fun in ages! Now you are a tree!
And so it goes, for hours. Eventually Kamek gets very tired.
Kamek: *pant, pant* Now you are a Yoshi.
Kamek passes out.
Luigi: Yoshi!
He bounds out of the house and runs into a toad.
Toad: Hey, aren’t you supposed to get Crabby Grass from Guffawha Ruins over there for Mario?
Luigi: Yoshi!
Toad: Right.
As Luigi heads towards Guffawha Ruins, he goes into a house and grabs some rocks from outside, a bucket, some tape, some paint, and a rope. He tapes the bucket to his back so it appears he has a Yoshi shell, then he paints himself green and the shell red. Then he takes six of the biggest rocks and ties them together in a line, then ties the end of the rope to his belt for his eggs. Then he walks out of the house.
Everyone in town: HAHAHAHA! Look at the loser!
Luigi: Yoshi?
He runs out of town and down the elevator. Then he heads over to Guffawha Ruins. However it appears the entrance is locked! No problem, he just breaks it down with some rocks. He runs into several enemies.
Chuck Guy: What the? What is wrong with you?
Luigi: Yoshi!
He throws rocks at every enemy he sees.
Enemies: OW! Big bully!
They all run away.
Luigi: Yoshi!
Soon Luigi comes to a bunch of floating blocks that eventually lead up to a door. He jumps up all of them. No need to solve complicated puzzles when you can jump real high! Soon he comes to a scary statue.
Statue: Woah! What’s wrong with you?
Luigi: Yoshi!
Statue: Crazy kid. Anyway, I need you to do something for me. I want you to stand on those moving platforms and jump to them while I shoot fireballs at you.
Luigi: Yoshi!
Statue: NOOOO!
Luigi tosses several rocks at the statue, causing it to break apart. A door opens. Luigi heads inside and finds Crabby Grass! Then he goes in a pipe which warps him back to Little Fungitown. He immediately runs toward the hospital, when he gets struck by lightning! The paint and the bucket fall off and the rocks break to pieces.
Luigi: What the? What happened?
He sees the Crabby Grass clutched in his hand.
Luigi: Wow! I must have sleepwalked all the way to Guffawha Ruins and grabbed the Grass! Why do I have an immense desire for fruit?
He runs forward only to be stopped by Bowser’s Clown Copter. And inside is Princess Peach!
Peach: Save me!
Luigi: Bowser!
Somebody pops up but it seems oddly feminine…
Bowletta: Ha, I’m not Bowser!
Luigi: Oh my god! Bowser! What did you do to yourself?!
Bowletta: I’m not Bowser! I’m Bowletta!
Luigi: Geez, you’re changing you’re name too? Hey, but if you’re like that, why do you always kidnap Princess Peach?
Bowletta: You fool! I’m Cackletta! I took Bowser’s body!
Luigi: Eww!
Fawful: Come, Great Cackletta! It is not time for the MUSTARD of DOOM to fall on this fool!
They leave, with Peach.
Luigi: Well that was incredibly disturbing. I guess now that Peach is gone I don’t have to cure Mario. But I'd better check to see how long it is before he becomes a walnut.
Luigi heads to the hospital. Inside he sees a perfectly healthy Mario playing a Gameboy!
Luigi: What the? Why is he okay?
Doctor: Oh, it turns out he was faking!
Luigi: What?! Why you little! How could you?!
Mario: It’s-a me, Mario!
Luigi: Grr. Well while you were in here faking, Peach got kidnapped by the incredibly wrong Bowletta!
Mario: Crikey!
Luigi: I think we'd better head back to the castle to see what we can do.
So they head to Beanbean Castle. Meanwhile, at MHA secret Headquarters…
Prince Peasley: Grr. I can’t believe Cork and Cask failed me. I'd better get better plans! Mario Bros, you will pay! HA! HA!
Queen Bean: Keep it down in there!
Prince Peasley: Yes Mother.