Part 9: The First Piece of the Beanstar
After Princess Peach gets kidnapped by the incredibly disturbing Bowletta, the Mario Brothers decide to head back to the castle.
At the castle…
Luigi: Lady Lima, Princess Peach got kidnapped by Bowletta!
Lady Lima: That’s nice. Oh Toadsworth! This coffee is divine! Wherever did you get it?
Toadsworth: I braved a thousand dangers for it!
Lady Lima: Isn’t that a bit much?
Toadsworth: Anything for you, my dear.
Luigi: There is a coffee shop down the street.
Lady Lima: Be quiet, you impertinent peasant! Come, let us play Bean Polo!
Luigi: Hello! What happened to getting rid of Cackletta? Well, Bowletta now...
Lady Lima: Oh, who cares?
Toadsworth: By the way, where is Princess Peach?
Luigi: I just told you!
Toadsworth: What did you just say?
Luigi: Bowletta kidnapped her!
Toadsworth: Well, if that’s the case, you should be out rescuing her rather than lazing about in here!
Luigi: … You guys are hopeless.
Suddenly a BB Person runs in.
BB Person: Hey, a really freaky turtle thing flew by and dropped this!
He holds up a Gameboy Advance.
Luigi: Bowletta!
Toadsworth: I’m sorry, Luigi, but I believe that is a Gameboy. Ooohh! It has a game in it! Odd, I never heard of Secret Message before.
Luigi: That must be a message from Bowletta!
Toadsworth: Well I’ll give it a try!
He turns it on. A holographic image of Bowletta appears.
Bowletta: You fools! I want the Beanstar! It split into four, into four, into four…
Toadsworth is messing with the controls.
Toadsworth: This isn’t a very fun game.
Luigi: Stop pressing buttons!
Toadsworth: Oh, this must be the intro to the game!
Bowletta: ...pieces and I want you to find them… Fawful, stop making Fawful-bots!
Fawful: (in the background) I’m sorry, Mistress, but Peach said she wanted some along with some ketchup and MUSTARD of DOOM!
Peach: No I didn’t!
Fawful: Shut up!
Bowletta: Anyway, I’ll contact you again as soon as you get the four pieces.
Toadsworth: Can I play now?
Lady Lima: Oh Toadsworth, let's play- Oh no!
Toadsworth: What’s wrong?
Lady Lima: Nothing! (whispering) Oh shoot, I got distracted by Toadsworth! Mushroom Kingdom isn’t going to conquer itself; I need to get rid of all of these people.
Luigi: What are you saying now?! Something about conquering…
Lady Lima: So who wants to look for the first Beanstar Piece?
Mario: Whee!
Lady Lima: Good a volunteer!
Luigi: He volunteered, not me!
Lady Lima: Oh good, both brothers have volunteered!
Luigi: I didn’t volunteer!
Lady Lima: Now since we don’t know where the pieces are, I guess we’ll just have to have you stumble aimlessly around the kingdom until you find them.
Suddenly, Queen Bean walks in holding Prince Peasley.
Queen Bean: Now that’s enough time in your room! I want you to play with these nice boys!
Prince Peasley: But Mom, they my archenemies!
Queen Bean: I don’t care! Look they have a “treasure” map with them! Why don’t you play that?
Prince Peasley: But Mom, I was going to get all the Beanstar Pieces together and use the Star to destroy them!
Luigi: So you know where they are?
Prince Peasley: Yes.
Luigi: How?
Prince Peasley: Uh, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.
Luigi: Fine. Then can you just tell us where they are?
Prince Peasley: No.
Queen Bean: Now son, play nicely with the other boys or it’s time for you to go to bed.
Prince Peasley: But Mom, it’s 2:00 in the afternoon!
Queen Bean: Oh, that’s right, that nice show, Beanie the Purple Bean, is on now…
Prince Peasley: Ok, I get your point! Fine Luigi, I’ll mark where they are on your map.
Luigi: You know, if you want to get them we’ll stay here…
Prince Peasley: I’ll bet you 99,999,999 mushroom coins that I’ll get all the pieces before you do.
Luigi: You’re on!
Prince Peasley leaves.
Toadsworth: I suggest getting the one in Teehee Valley first!
Luigi: Why?
Toadsworth: Because you were just there!
Luigi: Fine, we’ll go there first.
And so the Mario Bros. head off for a return trip to Teehee Valley…
Meanwhile at MHA Headquarters…
Prince Peasley: Yes, the Mario Bros. are off getting the Beanstar Pieces for me! I’ve already sent Popple to find one, I’ll go get one of the others, and I’ll send someone to follow Mario and Luigi. When they get their piece, my minions shall take it from them! But who to send?
Border Patrol Bros. 1: Might I suggest our new members, the Arcade Owner and his Security?
Prince Peasley: Good call! Well, are you up to the challenge?
Arcade Owner: Oh yes!
Prince Peasley: Good! Now before I go after one of the pieces, I have reason to believe one is in the hands of your brother, right Bubbles?
Bubbles: Yes, my non-joke discipled brother, Boddle, has one.
Prince Peasley: Is he willing to trade for it?
Bubble: I don’t know.
Prince Peasley: Well go there and find
out! Send me a letter when you do know, and stay there to keep an
eye on the Mario Bros!
Bubbles: Yes sir!
Queen Bean calls up to them.
Queen Bean: Would you boys like some snacks?
Border Patrol Bros. 2: Uh, well, Prince Peasley, I would like a snack. If it’s okay with you, of course!
Arcade Owner: Yeah, evil plotting is hungry work!
Prince Peasley: Fine. Yes Mom, we would! Could you bring it up here?
Queen Bean: What do you think I am, your maid? I’m not going to let you eat it up there! You’ll make a mess! You’re eating in the kitchen!
Prince Peasley: Come on, Mom! We won’t spill!
Queen Bean: Oh, I’ve heard that before! Remember that big stain on my throne? And the one on the Royal Couch? That took forever to get rid of!
MHA Members: (Hee hee!)
Prince Peasley: Shut up, you guys! Come on, Mom, you’re embarrassing me!
Queen Bean: I don’t care!
Prince Peasley: Fine! We’ll eat it down there!
Queen Bean: Good!
Inside Teehee Valley…
Luigi: Well, according to this map, we need to go right.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Luigi: Wow! You’re not killing me! I like it!
Mario: Whee!
Soon they come to a large ship, in the desert.
Luigi: What the? How did that get here? We’re in the desert. Wait! I see something glowing up on top of it!
They climb up the side of the ship. On the deck they spot a piece of the Beanstar!
Luigi: Yes! This is going to be easy!
Just before they can grab it, two sailors come out of the ship. The sailors are… skeletons?!
Sailor 1: So this is the shiny thing that broke our hatch!
Sailor 2: Let’s take it!
Sailor 1: Yeah, maybe it’s edible!
They take the Beanstar Piece and run down into the ship.
Luigi: Were those guys… skeletons?!
Mario: Crikey!
Luigi: We have to get that piece!
They go into the ship. Inside they see dozens of skeleton sailors! After Luigi gets over the wiggins he gets, they follow the Beanstar-snatching sailors down to the ships hold. Once there, however, they find the way blocked by a sailor.
Sailor 3: No way are you getting in there! You still have skin! How creepy!
Luigi: Look who’s talking!
Sailor 3: If you want to get in there you have to talk to the captain!
Luigi: Fine.
So they head to the captain.
Captain: AH! Skinnies!
Luigi: What?
Captain: That’s what we call your kind! We used to be like you once. We were carrying a load of Chuckola Cola, and we decided it would be fun to crash into a rock. Our ship ran aground. We tried to push it but we got confused and pushed it the wrong way. So we decided to stay here until the water came and carried us back into the sea. We’ve been here so long we’ve become skeletons!
Luigi: Wouldn’t you be dead then?
Captain: Dead? What is dead?
Luigi: Right… You do realize this is a desert, right? There isn’t going to be any water here.
Captain: HA HA HA! Such a joker.
Luigi: Just be quiet. Now I want to know how to get in the ship's hold.
Captain: Ah, that! Well to get in there you need a Membership Card. You can only get that by helping the ship! Just walk around until you find something that needs help.
Luigi: Okay.
They walk around talking to some sailors.
Sailor 4: Bloat is such an ostaf.
Luigi: What?
Sailor 4: You can’t figure that out?! Jeez you’re dumb! Just turn it around!
Luigi: Oh. You are a complete norom.
Sailor 4: What?
Luigi: Hee hee.
They were walking along when suddenly, a Hoohoo girl comes shooting out of a room.
Hoohoo Girl: Too many round shapes! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Sailor 5: Yeah, well we didn’t need you anyway! Hey, you two!
Luigi: Us?
Sailor 5: Yeah! We need your help!
Luigi: Okay.
They follow him into a room with a lot of barrels and a large skeleton.
Sailor 5: All right, you two, if you have any questions, just ask Barrel Boy here.
Big Skeleton: Uh, my name isn’t Barrel Boy, it’s-
Sailor 5: Be quiet, Barrel Boy!
He leaves.
Luigi: So what do we do?
Big Skeleton: You organize the barrels by color, using a complex set of gears and pulleys, within 100 seconds. If you don’t make it I will mix them up again.
Luigi: What? What’s in the barrels?
Big Skeleton: Nothing.
Luigi: So what’s the point of organizing them?
Big Skeleton: There is none.
Luigi: It’s just mindless labor designed to keep us busy for no reason?
Big Skeleton: Yep!
Luigi: I got a better idea.
Big Skeleton: What?
Luigi: How about I organize you?
Big Skeleton: Huh?
Luigi tosses a barrel at him, and he crumbles into dust. They leave.
Sailor 5: Are you done?
Luigi: Yes, in a way.
Sailor 5: Good! Here’s your card.
Luigi: Thank you.
Mario and Luigi go down to the hold and show their card. Inside the hold they see two sailors preparing to eat the Beanstar!
Luigi: NO! Don’t do that!
Sailor 1: Why not?
Luigi: Um, because, uh… It’s radioactive!
Sailor 2: What?!
Luigi: Yeah, it’s very dangerous. So why don’t I take that off your hands?
Sailor 1: Only if you can get Bloat out of that crack!
He points to a fat skeleton that is stuck in a crack in the ship.
Bloat: FAT! HEE HA!
Luigi: How’d he get so fat?
Sailor 2: He drank to much Chuckola Cola!
Luigi: Okay, three questions: how can you get fat from drinking soda, how did he get in that crack in the first place, and how can a skeleton possibly get fat?
Bloat: I have explosives!
He takes out a large tub of dynamite, and lights it!
Bloat: I’ll blow myself out!
Sailor 1: NOOO! Chuckola Cola is flammable!
BOOM!
Mario and Luigi land on a beach. They are greeted by a couple of fat beach girl creature things.
Beach Girl 1: Welcome to Gwarhar Lagoon.
Beach Girl 2: What strange clothes to wear to a beach.
Luigi: Huh?
Another Beach Girl runs in.
Beach Girl 3: Hey, Hermie just found a weird glowy rock thing and he’s putting it on his shell!
Beach Girls: OOH! Let’s go see!
They run off. Luigi and Mario stumble to their feet and start walking randomly. Soon they come to a large building with a sign that says “Welcome to the Jellyfish sisters Gigi and Merri’s massage place. Get massaged for only 100 coins!” So they head in.
At the secretary’s desk…
Secretary: Get massaged for only 200 coins per person!
Luigi: But the sign said 100…
Secretary: Well the sign lied! Pay up or beat up.
A group of large thugs come up behind the Brothers.
Luigi: We’ll pay!
Secretary: Good! 400 coins please. Thank you, now please sit in the next room and wait.
They go in the next room and sit down. Within five minutes two Jellyfish ladies show up.
Gigi: Oh good, customers! Let us massage your hands!
Luigi: Okay!
The massage begins. Soon Luigi’s hand seems to glow with electricity, and Mario’s becomes on fire!
Merri: Oh my! You know the Thunderhand and Firebrand!
Luigi: We do? We must have learned it back at those temples somehow…
Gigi: Let us teach you some moves that you can do!
Gigi hits a button, sending the Mario Bros. down into the basement. The Jellyfish Sisters float down.
Luigi: What’s going on?
Merri: We’re going to teach you some new moves!
Luigi: Do we have learn them?
Gigi: Learn up, or beat up.
Luigi: Fine.
Merri: The first move is Fire Tickle. Mario, get behind Luigi and blast him with your Firebrand.
Luigi: What? NOOO!
He tries to move but Mario is too fast. He grabs the back of Luigi’s overalls and then blasts him.
Luigi: AAAAHHHH! The pain! Make it stop!
He runs around the room very fast until Mario runs out of fire.
Merri: See, this move is not only very funny, but it makes you move very fast.
Luigi: What’s that thing you do if you catch fire? Ah yes, SWK.
Gigi: SWK?
Luigi: Stop, Whack, and then Kill whoever set you on fire!
Gigi: Wait! It’s your turn now, Luigi! You get to learn Thunder Tickle!
Luigi: Okay.
Gigi: You get behind Mario and shock him.
Luigi: Cool!
Luigi shocks Mario. Mario turns around and punches him.
Luigi: Ow…
Gigi: This move allows you to walk in a straight line, backwards!
Merri: Now that you’ve mastered our moves, it’s time for you to use them to get us two Pearl Beans.
Luigi: No.
Gigi: Then it’s time to be…
Luigi: Yes I know, beat up. However, I just wanted to tell you that my brother thinks your cute and wants to take you on a date.
Mario: What?!
Gigi: With him?! EEEEEEEEWWWWW! Get out! Get out!
They get out. Now that they are no longer dazed they decide to find Hermie and the Beanstar Piece. Soon, however, they run into a fat Koopa that is blocking their way.
Fat Koopa: You can’t knock me down.
Luigi: Okay. Can you move?
Fat Koopa: You can’t knock me down.
Luigi: Okay… Hey look, I’m over there!
Luigi points at a bush behind the Koopa. It runs over to it.
Fat Koopa: You can’t knock me down.
The Koopa falls down on the bush.
Fat Koopa: You can’t get me up.
Mario and Luigi walk by him. They come to what looks like parts of a bridge, and a statue of a Boo that disappears when you get close to it.
Luigi: What do we do? Wait, no Mario!
Mario picks him up and throws him in the water.
Luigi: Help! I’m drowning! I’m… wait, the water is knee deep.
They wade across. After much of the same they arrive to where the three Beach Girls are decorating what looks like a Giant Hermit Crab’s shell like a Christmas tree. On the top of it they see the Beanstar Piece!
Luigi: Hey, Hermie! Give us that rock!
Hermie: Huh? Hey lookth, it’s Santa Clauth!
Beach Girls: Really! Let’s touch him!
They run over to Mario and start poking him.
Luigi: No! He’s not Santa Claus!
Hermie: Lookth! One of Santa’s elfths!
Beach Girls: OOH! Get him too!
They start poking him too.
Arcade Owner: Stop what you’re doing! We’re here to take the Beanstar Piece!
The Arcade Owner and his Security Guards appear!
Luigi: What are you guys doing here?
Arcade Owner: We are the new members of the Mario Haters Anonymous club! Our secret leader sent us to get the Beanstar Piece from you. We’ve been following you since Teehee Valley! We tried to get it on the ship but it exploded! Now, rather than wait for you to lose it again, we’ll just take it!
Luigi: Wow, a whole club of people who hates us. That’s kind of depressing. Who's your secret leader?
Arcade Owner: I’ll never divulge Prince Peasley leadership. Whoops.
Hermie: Lookth! Decorationths!
He grabs them in his claws. The Beach Girls wrap them entirely in tinsel and glue them to Hermie’s shell.
Luigi: Right. Can we have the Beanstar Piece now?
Hermie: Thankth for the presenths, Santa! You can have the shiny rock!
Hermie knocks down the piece. Mario and Luigi say goodbye and leave before Hermie realizes that he’s no Santa. Now that Luigi knows of Prince Peasley's club and what he’s going to do with the Beanstar, he has to keep on extra hard guard. Or he can rely on blind luck and people mistaking Mario for Santa Claus to scrape through. Whichever works.