Paper Mario 1.5: The Eight Rods of Nib

By Lemmy's Campfire Tales

Chapter 3: Cold Times in the Hot Sand!

The four arrive at Mt. Rugged to find that it is absolutely COVERED in snow. All of the sunshine-loving enemies have been replaced with Buster Beetles.

Mario: Crud, the Rods won't work in this cold weather.

Goombario: *shiver* It's cold here.

Columbus: Y-you're lucky, you a-a-aren't a squ-squid!

Buster Beetle: MARIO! ATTACK!

Mario: Double crud.

Kamoosh: I can take out four, how many can you take?

Fice T: They aren't ghosts, put me down for three. How about you, Columbus?

Columbus: I'll... I'll... I'll... IT'S COLD!

Goombario: Put him down for zero.

Mario: I think I still have a Fire Flower here somewhere...

Columbus: Heroic Bloopers first!

Columbus crashes into Mario causing the Fire Flower to fall into Fice T's hands.

Fice T: BURN!


Buster Beetle: RETREAT! HE'S INSANE!

Fice T: MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAH..ha... um, yay?

Mario and the Others: ...

Fice T: Sorry, I just can't control myself sometimes.

Columbus: Let's just go to the Dry Dry Desert. I'll bet that Lemmy's in the Dry Dry Ruins.

Goombario: But we'd better make sure Moustafa and the others are ok first.

Kamoosh: Good point, let's go.

Goombario sticks his tounge out at Columbus. The five head on toward Dry Dry Outpost. They notice that the closer to the Dry Dry Ruins they are, the colder it is.

Goombario: H...How much wanna bet Le- Le- Le- Lemmy h-has the Ice R-R-R-Rod?

Eventually they get to Dry Dry Outpost, which they discover is frozen solid. Not a single person isn't encased in ice.

Kamoosh: I-If we d-d-don't hurry, w-w-we'll be d-dead!

Columbus: N-Next t-t-time, w-we go t-to W-Wa-Water L-Land!

Suddenly, an explosion is heard nearby.

Mario: S-Sounds w-w-warm!

Mario and the rest of the party hurry towards the explosion. There is a Bob-omb there.

Bob-omb: Ugh... I come for a sunny vacation and end up in a recreation of the North Pole!

The Bob-omb spots Mario and the others.

Bob-omb: Well I'll be! You guys look desperate for warmth! Let me help!

The Bob-omb starts a fire and keeps it lit with his own flames.

Mario: Thank you! Who are you?

Bob-omb: I'm Bobbery's cousin, Bommus.

Goombario: Hey, I know Bobbery! My female penpal told me about him. He has a house in Rogueport, and his wife was named Scarlet, but died.

Boomus: She... died? I'm so sorry for him.

Goombario: Don't feel bad; it wasn't your fault.

Boomus: I know, but I feel that she deserved to live longer. She always loved visiting here... I only wish I could do something for her now.

Kamoosh: How about you come with us and keep us warm as we restore this place to its former beauty?

Boomus: Of course! In fact, I hear that many other places have been invaded by abnormal phenomenon! I'll join your party and restore those lands to normal!

The six continue on their way to the Dry Dry Ruins. They finally reach it and get inside, finding that the inside is still hot.

Kamoosh: Lemmy hasn't gotten around to handling this yet. Good.

The six walk onward through the tomb. Once they get into the room with the three coffins, the coffins open to reveal the Koopa Bros.

Red: We have you now, Mario! You can't escape-

Koopa Bros: The Koopa Bros!

Kamoosh: You guys are idiots. There are six of us and four of you.

Red: We have backup.

Red whistles. Tutankoopa and Roy jump down from the ceiling.

Kamoosh: Aw.

Boomus: Don't worry, my special move in battle is Mistress Luck.

Roy: What does that mean, punk?

Boomus performs the move. Suddenly, a cold blast sweeps the room. When it leaves, the entire ruins are iced over and everyone's feet, or tentacles in Columbus's case, are frozen to the ground.

Roy: Oh.

Kamoosh: Seems Lemmy got around to icing the ruins.

Boomus: That move CAN backfire sometimes. Here, I'll unfreeze us.

Boomus uses his heating powers to thaw out Mario and the rest of the party while leaving the others stuck in the ice. Mario and the others easily walk past them and explore deeper into the ruins. The six go on and eventually reach the long hallway, which now has ice on the floor and a strange blue Hammer Bro in there.

Frost Bro: DIE!

The six charge toward him, but slip on the ice. He begins spitting balls of ice at them, and freezes Kamoosh and Boomus.

Columbus: O-Oh no! W-W-Without B-Boomus's w-warming p-p-powers, w-we'll f-freeze!

And, before Mario and the rest of the party have time to take action, they freeze up solid. The Frost Bro takes them to the room where Mario first found the Super Hammer, which has been converted into a dungeon with a furnace so Mario and the others can thaw out.

Mario: Thanks.

Frost Bro: Idiots! I brought ya here so we can have an audience.

Frost Bro points to a large ice screen with Lemmy's head on it.

Kamoosh: You can't get us again!

Frost Bro: Wanna bet?

Frost Bro freezes kamoosh and Boomus.

Mario: Quick, does everyone know how to ice skate?

Goombario: I think so.

Mario: Then follow me!

They all skate and crash into the Frost Bro, who flies back and breaks Boomus out.

Boomus: I'm free!

Mario: Quick, Boomus, do the Mistress Luck!

Boomus: I can't, it's a once-per-chapter thing.

Columbus: Then crash into him or something!

Boomus: I can do that. URGH!


Frost Bro: I'm still alive!

The Frost Bro throws an ice ball at Mario, but he dodges and it hits Columbus. Mario slides and tries to kick the Frost Bro, but it does nothing. He tries everything at his disposal but nothing happens.

Mario: Goombario! We need a plan!

Goombario: He's invincible! What can we do?

Mario: C'mon, Goombario, think of something!

Goombario: Wait, I think I recall reading a book that Frost Bros are invincible-

Fice T: We know that!

Goombario: Let me finish! They're invincible as long as they're on ice. Get him off the ice!

Fice T: How can we do that? This whole place is ice!

Boomus: I have an idea! Mario, toss me at the Frost Brother. I'll explode and the explosion will melt the ice around him!

Fice T: I'll distract him! Hey Frost Bro! You're so dumb, if you look up during a rainstorm you'll drown!

Frost Bro: Why you little punk! C'mere!

Fice T: Nah nah na nah nah! Your aim is so bad you couldn't hit the broad side of a castle!

Frost Bro: Hold still you twerp!

Boomus: NOW!

Mario: HYUU!


The ice around the Frost Bro flies away and the Frost Bro lands on solid ground. It lets out one more incoherent yell and turns to ice.

Boomer: It's going to take two fire attacks at the same time to melt that!

Kamoosh: But except for you, none of us knows any fire attacks!

Suddenly, Columbus sees a Super Block in the room.

Columbus: I wondered what happened to them...

Columbus uses the Super Block to upgrade himself and learn the move Tentacles of Fire.

Columbus: And now, the hero will graciously work with a lackey to save the prisoners from the evil wrath of inprisonment!

Boomus: I haven't been here long. He's the smug one, right?

Kamoosh: Oh yeah.

Boomus and Columbus use their fire moves to defeat the Frost Bro and take his keys so they can unlock the door. Soon, Mario and the others are out of the dungeon and in the room where Mario had to place the Diamond, Lunar, and Pyramid Stones in his last adventure. The six rush down the stairs. They get to the bottom when suddenly a HUGE blast of ice comes out and everyone but Columbus is frozen. Also, it is so cold the Tentacles of Fire won't work.

Lemmy: Wehehe! Guess it'll be four on one!

Lemmy comes in riding on his ball. Suddenly, he begins twirling in circles and there are four Lemmys sitting there.

Lemmys: Wehehe!

Columbus: Bring it on; such a super hero as I can easily defeat you and your clones.

Five minutes later...

Columbus: Ow... Maybe... four against one... isn't fair.

Columbus faints.

Lemmys: HAHAHA! I am invincible!

Meanwhile, Boomus is able to explode and free himself and Mario.

Boomus: Mario! Use the Rods of Nib!

Mario: It's no use! It's too cold for the power one to work and we need soil for the grass one to work!

Boomus: Give me a sec and i can open up some ground.


Lemmys: Oh no you don't!

Columbus: Wait... I can still fight! ... Hurry Mario!

Mario: Right!

Mario quickly uses the Power Rod to summon a Fire Flower, which he uses to break the others free.

Kamoosh: Now to even the odds.

Lemmy fires an ice beam at Columbus, freezing him solid.

Lemmy: Five against four. I like them odds.

The four Lemmys begin spinning around the five incredibly quickly. When they stop, they are all dizzy so they have a hard time hitting the Lemmys.

Lemmy: This'll be easy!

Lemmy tackles Mario and grabs the Plant Rod.

Lemmys: Now I am invincible! Wehehe!

Goombario: Man that laugh is annoying.

Lemmys: What?

The Lemmys stop to wonder about it long enough for Goombario to kick the ball out from under one into the others. All four Lemmys are knocked down, and the three fakes disappear.

Lemmy: Here! Take the Rods!

Lemmy points the two Rods at them and fires, creating a giant Frost Piranha. He then jumps up, grabs his ball, and goes rolling away into the room where you fight Tutankoopa.

Goombario: Oh no! There's a vent back there he can use to spread ice throughout the whole place in minutes! We're gonna die! AHHH!

Kamoosh: Not to mention the giant Piranha that will kill us within seconds.

Boomus: I have an idea, guys!

Fice T: What is it?

Boomus: Fice T, throw me as hard as you can towards the Piranha!

Fice T: Alright. YAH!

Boomus: This is for Scarlet!

Frost Piranha: *gulp* Mmm, tasty.


Goombario: Yay, we win!

Kamoosh: But at what cost?

Mario: A moment of silence is necessary, I believe.


Boomus: Mario.

Fice T: I can still hear him.

Boomus: Guys!

Goombario: Hey, me too.

Boomus: GUYS! I'M ALIVE!

Mario: Hooray!

Columus: (now defrosted) Let's get Lemmy!

The six chase after Lemmy. Once inside, they see that Lemmy is only thirty feet back in the tunnel.

Lemmy: Come on in!

The six rush in, and Lemmy immediately sets something on the ground: a very tiny Bob-omb.

Goombario: That thing can't be too powerful!

Mario: I-a remember-a this from some movie-a.

The Bob-omb walks toward them and lets off as huge an explosion as what happened in Super Mario Bros: The Movie. The six are thrown out of the building. However, since most of it is underground, all they have to do is go back down after they regain their composure.

Goombario: MARIO! If my calculations are right, all of the Mushroom kingdom will be covered in ice within an hour!

Mario: Let's-a go then.

They all jump in, and the real battle begins. First, Lemmy tries freezing them, but they all dodge. Mario is able to make a sliding dive and takes out Lemmy's ball. Lemmy jumps onto his ball, but unbeknownst to Lemmy, Boomus actually took the ball's place at the last second.

Boomus: Hehe.

Boomus lights his fuse, and Lemmy jumps with a howl. Mario tackles him, and Columbus grabs the Rods.

Lemmy: Fine! I give!

Lemmy slides out from under Mario and rolls away unhappily.

Suddenly in fast action, all the ice that Lemmy created melts and the kingdom is saved. Fice T. does the Shine Dance.

Mario: Hey! This-a isn't Super Mario-a Sunshine!

Fice T. stops dancing.

Fice T: Sorry.

Columbus: Now, let's get Wendy next!

Chapter 4: Soggy Times in Pipe Land.

Columbus sees a nearby pipe overflowing with water.

Columbus: That Warp Pipe leads to Pipe Land!

Kamoosh: Than that's where we'll find Wendy!

The six swim out of the warp pipe into Pipe Land. They find that only a small amount of land isn't already underwater.

Goombario: At this rate, Wendy should have the entire kingdom underwater by the end of the night!

Columbus: So? *pause* Oh, right. Not all of us have gills...

They get to swimming when they see Wendy suddenly lower in front of them in a miniature Koopa Clown Car.

Wendy: Heheheh!

Wendy pulls out a whistle and blows in it. Two giant frog robots drop from the sky.

Wendy: Meet the Ribbots!

Wendy flies off and the Ribbots are about to attack when Jr. Troopa's music becomes audiable. He runs up and knocks both Ribbots away... for now.

Jr.Troopa: Mario! You're mine now! I challenge you to a duel, one on one!

Mario accepts and draws his hammer. Jr. Troopa pulls out his wand, then flies into the air. Jr. Troopa dives toward Mario and is hit with the hammer. Jr. flies into the air and blasts his wand at Mario, knocking the plumber underwater. Mario swims behind him and jumps onto his head, but is blasted for it. Mario flies into the air and lands on Jr. Troopa's head, knocking both into the water. They proceed hand to hand underwater until they are running out of air, at which time they swim back up immediately. Jr. grabs Mario's head and holds him under with his wand, until Mario flips behind Jr. and throws him into the distance.

All but Kamoosh: Yay!

Kamoosh: Yeah, that is fine and dandy, but the WATER IS ALREADY TO FICE T'S CHIN AND STILL RISING!

They all continue swimming. Unbeknownst to them, the Ribbots follow. Finally, they make it to a stretch of land that isn't already in water. Unfortunately, it is covered in Munchers.

Mario: We just have to keep swimming!

Goombario: MARIO! I just looked back for no good reason and I saw-

Columbus: Let me guess... water?

Goombario: NO! Well, yes, but i saw something else! RIBBOTS!

Kamoosh: This is bad. Quick, we must do something! Mario! The Rods!

Mario: Maybe if I use this Ice Rod I can freeze them.

ZAP! The Ribbots are frozen in their tracks.

Boomus: That's it? I was expecting something more... exciting.

Columbus: The talking explosive wants more excitement? Well, all of Plit is still going to be flooded if we don't stop Wendy!

Boomus: Look, squid-boy, I've had it up to here with you already!

Mario: C'mon, this is no time to fight! Keep swimming!

So they finally reach the castle, only to find there is no entrance. All that is there are three pipes.

Goombario: According to the blueprints, each one leads into the castle, but we all can't fit into one.

Mario: Let's split up into groups of two!

So they split up: Mario and Kamoosh, Goombario and Columbus, and Boomus and Fice T. Mario and Kamoosh arrive in a ice skating rink. They instantly lowers into the ground. Two Frost Bros. skate on the ice.

Kamoosh: I hate my life.

Frost Bro 3: (from behind them) Then let me end it!

The Frost Bro knocks the two out and they are thrown in an icy arena. The two wake up and find Boomus and Fice T. in a room with them. All four are chained to a wall. The Frost Bros. stand in front of them, talking to Wendy via a monitor.

Frost Bro 2: We have captured them, Princess Wendy.

Wendy: It's queen now, remember? And no, that's not all! There are two more!

Frost Bro 1: Queen, the remaining two are a Goomba and Columbus.

Wendy: Columbus?! Hahahahaha! These guys are pratically beating themselves with him on their team!

Frost Bro 3: Didn't he singlehandedly destroy his own base once? And he thinks he's a great militant!

Wendy: Yeah! This'll be no sweat whatsoever! Frost Bros, you three go back to Mt. Lavalava working for Ludwig. I'll drown these four and have a little fun with Columbus before I kill him!

Mario: I can't believe it.

Boomus: I knew we couldn't trust that squid.

Wendy: You were fools to trust him. Now i shall fill this dungeon with water and drown you four.

Kamoosh: What of the others?

Wendy: Hah! A Goomba and an idiot! I shall find them easily. Goodbye. *click*

No sooner than the screen closed did the dungeon start filling with water.

Fice T: I think I can break this lock... Got it!

Mario: Get us out of here, then!


Mario: If only I could reach the controls...

Boomus: That's what happens when there are bars separating you. Not to mention ten feet.

Fice T: The water is still rising.

Kamoosh: This looks like the end.

Mario: We can't give up hope! Goombario and Columbus are still out there... I hope.

But what did happen with them?

Goombario: I think we're lost.

Columbus: Never, I'm in the lead.

Goombario: What's your deal, man?! Stop the high and mighty deal. It's not helping anyone!

Columbus: Oh, so now the Goomba dork is going to lecture me.

Goombario: That's it!

Goombario tackles Columbus. As the two fight, they don't realize that Ribbots are coming near them. Meanwhile...

Kamoosh: You know, as we're about to die, I have a bad feeling we forgot something.

Back in Dry, Dry Desert...

Merlon: HELP! I'm still trapped in an ice cube! Darn that Lemmy, and darn it to the ones that didn't get me out of here! Why did they think I left that note?! Wait! I know! I'll use a warming spell!

Merlon uses an extra wand to cast a heat spell, but it is sent to Pipe Land by accident. There, it evaporates all the water in the room that Mario, Kamoosh, Boomus, and Fice T. are trapped in. As the water leaves, however, it rusts the bars. Mario easily breaks the rusted chains and stops more flooding from happening.

Boomus: Darn that Blooper! He can't do anything right!

Mario: Well, he DID stop Roy before he killed all of us.

Kamoosh: And I guess his plan that freed us from Larry's trap wasn't all that bad.

Fice T: And ice just wasn't his element when battling Lemmy.

Mario: Should we trust him because he saved our lives, or should we abandon him because it could cost us our lives? I'm so confused.

Kamoosh: We could create a few giant plants to absorb all of the water, then maybe catch Wendy off-guard.

Meanwhile, the Ribbots are fighting Goombario and Columbus. Ten seconds later, the two heroes are pretty worn out.

Goombario: What are we gonna do? We can't win!

Suddenly, the water in the castle begins to disappear. The Ribbots begin shaking and explode.

Columbus: I am a hero! Let us continue toward Wendy!

Meanwhile, again...

Mario: This door is pure unrustable steel.

Fice T: Try the Power Rod.

Mario: No dice, someone must open it from the outside.

Kamoosh: I think I hear someone

And, as luck would have it, at that very moment...

Goombario: I think I heard something.

Columbus: You're hearing things. This is what happens when one thrusts their skull at their opponent during battle.

Goombario: Seriously, that voice sounds familiar.


Goombario: And that explosion really sounds familiar! It's Mario and the gang!

Columbus: Insolent fool, Wendy is trying to trick you.

Goombario: MARIO! IS THAT YOU?


Columbus: It's a trap! Don't be an idiot!

Goombario: Look, Columbus. You may have come in thinking that you were the big hero, but we're a team.

Goombario starts pushing buttons. Eventually...

Mario: We're finally out.

Columbus: I knew that that was them. You're lucky I was here.

Boomus: I hear differently.

Kamoosh: As do I. Tell us, what happened to your old division?

Goombario: What are you talking about?

Mario: We overheard Wendy talking. He says that Columbus used to be a commander of one of her sub-armies, but in the end made a rash decision of some sort that ended up killing the entire division.

Columbus: ...

Goombario: Is this true?

Columbus floats in one place, sweating. The three close in one him, when suddenly Wendy sneaks up behind Mario and grabs the Plant Rod. She uses it to wrap them all up.

Wendy: I won't make the mistakes Larry made. I'm gonna keep tightening it until you're all doomed! Hey Columbus, while waiting to die, how about I show those videos?

Wendy puts on a video of Columbus. It shows him stacking thousands of explosives on top of each other in his house. He runs out of the fort and throws the match inside.


The real Columbus begins pushing hard upon seeing this and breaks the vine clean down the middle. He jumps onto Wendy and begins beating her savagely. Basically he's lost his mind by this point. Columbus soon had his tentacles wrapped around Wendy's neck, choking the life out of her slowly. The Plant Rod is knocked from Wendy's hand and hits the ground, making the plants disappear. The Water Rod is also knocked loose, but Columbus doesn't care and continues to choke the life out of Wendy. The others grab Columbus and hold him back while Wendy runs off in fear. Mario then grabs the Rods.

Columbus: (being held by Kamoosh and Fice T) Let me go! I will take her down. Release me at once!

He does overpower them and runs off after Wendy. Wendy suddenly drops through a hole in the floor. She reappears in an escape pod.

Wendy: Sorry, but I have to go. World domination and such.

Wendy's escape pod makes a hole in the roof and escapes.

Columbus: I'll have revenge!

Boomus: Now Columbus, don't get all worked up!

Columbus: But you don't get it?! That wasn't me in those tapes, that was my rival in the Navy, Hudson!

Goombario: Fine then, have it your way.

Goombario heads to the others while Columbus is looking for something on the ground. Mario picks up the Water Rod and gives it to Fice T. for safe keeping.

Goombario: So, should we believe him?

Boomus: I'm not so certain. That really isn't a good alibi.

Mario: But it could be hurtful if we make statements without proof to back them up.

Kamoosh: So it's settled; we won't do anything until he goofs up big time.

Columbus: Aha! Found it!

Columbus presses a button in the floor Wendy had stood on before she left. Another escape pod appeares in front of them, and everyone fits in.

Columbus: Now, let's give chase!

The escape pod starts flying to the same destination Wendy went to. A computer in the escape pod announcs their destination.

Computer: Destination: Lavalava Island; Ludwig Temple

Read on!

Credit goes to Martin, Miles "Thumbs" Power, Waluigi's Twin, Bobby, and Huge Iggy fan for writing, editing, suggesting, or in any way enhancing this story.

Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.