Paper Mario 1.5: The Eight Rods of Nib

By Lemmy's Campfire Tales

Chapter 7: Just Deserts

Mario: I wonder where everyone is?

Mario opens a door.

Mayor: Close that door! I'm not paying to air condition the outside!

Mario: Sorry.


Mario: What was that?

Mayor: Nothing... Just thought it was the best time to say that.

Mario: We'll never know you...

Goombario: I can't believe it, how can every penguin in Shiver City be in one place?

Mayor: Well... not everyone.

Herringway is shown writing in an icy area, but then he slips and falls out of the freezer in his house.

Wife: Oh, hello, Mario. And just for the record, I knew that you didn't kill my husband the entire time, right honey?

The mayor's wife turns to the mayor and finds that he isn't moving.

Wife: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! He did it! Mario did it! I saw it with my own eyes! He just waltzed right in here and attacked my husband!

Mayor: Huh? Sorry, I was sleeping. did you say something?

Wife: Oh, it's a good thing we didn't jump to conclusions, huh?

Mario: *rolls eyes* Yeah, do you know how all this is happening?

Mayor: It's that accursed Koopa Morton. He even melted all of the stairs leading to the Crystal Palace, which is where he is building his castle!

Mario: Kamoosh?

Kamoosh: One step ahead of you.

Kamoosh whistles and his broom flies up. Mario hands him the Ice Rod.

Kamoosh: I'll put the steps back, but they probably won't last very long. You'll need to hurry.

Kamoosh freezes the stairs and the heroes run up them as quickly as possible, reaching the top. There they see Kamoosh knocked out and the vengeful villains from before standing over him laughing. Suddenly, they all turn into Duplighosts.

Duplighost: WHAHAHAHA! *pant* Now we have you surrounded! *pant*

Duplighost 2: Man, it's like 300 degrees!

Duplighost 3: *pant* I'm dying!

Mario: I know where there's some coldness.

Duplighosts: Really?!

Mario: Yeah.

At the mayor's house...


Duplighost: Chill, dudette. He just went to the bathroom!

Duplighost 2: Are you gonna finish that frozen fish pop?

Fish Pop-Obsessed Penguin: MINE!

Back with our ze- I mean, heroes...

Mario: What's that supposed to mean?

Goombario: Hey, look! A pebble!

Fice T: Hey, watch how far I can kick it!

Hammer: Wait! I think I recall needing that pebble to get into the palace.

Kamoosh: Then take it.

Hammer picks it up and the heroes continue on their quest, reaching the Crystal Palace... or what used to be it. The Crystal Palace has been melted and a huge castle has been erected in its place. A statue of Morton stands in front of it.

Hammer: Are all of these Koopalings egomaniacs?

Others: Yes.

The heroes walk inside. All they see inside is a bunch of Dry Bone laying on the ground. A red one lays near a door.

Kamoosh: I wonder...

They all approach the door, causing the red one to rise.

Red Bones: You... shall... not... pass!!!

All of the Dry Bones rise.

Mario: We can't beat them! There's too many of them!

Fice T: We need a plan!

Hammer: Silence, idiots! *ahem* Red Bones, I have captured Mario and his motley crew. Permission to go to Morton?

Mario: WHAT?! You little traitor!

Red Bones: What are you trying to pull here? You don't even have handcuffs!

Hammer: I forgot them. I feel so embarrassed.

Red Bones: Here, you can borrow mine. Now go to Morton.

Hammer handcuffs everyone together and leads them all into another room. After a little while of walking, Hammer stops them.

Mario: How could you?

Fice T: I thought you were our friend.

Columbus: If I could use my tentacles right now I'd...

All Hammer can do is break down laughing.

Mario: What's so funny?

Hammer: Not only did the Red Bones fall for it, but apparently you did too!

He unlocks the handcuffs.

Others: O_o;

Suddenly, they here Morton's voice over an intercom.

Morton: Idiotic, stupid, and all around dumb Red Bones, you are all hereby deactivated, suspended, pink slipped, and fired.

Red Bones: Fine! We're going to go work for Hooktail!

Kamoosh: Um... okay...

The heroes continue on, finding a wall of doors, each with Morton's face on it as a dooknob.

Kamoosh: Oh great. Last time we had something like this happen we were ambushed.

The group splits up, with Mario, Kamoosh, and Hammer taking one door, Goombario and Columbus taking another, and Fice T. and Boomus taking the last one.

Goombario: Man, it's hot. Good thing I have a hat.

Columbus: I'm getting sunburned! My skin's getting red!

Goombario: Aren't you already red?

Columbus: I'm usually not this red!

The two continue on. Eventually they hear a voice in the hallway that sounds like Hammer.

Voice: Those pathetic fools. They actually think I'm working for them!

Columbus: Is Hammer... a spy?

Goombario and Columbus go further, seeing a Hammer Bro playing a video game.

Goombario: Um... okay.

Hammer: Ha! They think I'm a spy but I'm not. Take this!

Hammer starts pressing buttons rapidly.

Mario: Can we go now?

Hammer: One sec, I'm on the last level!

Goombario: Hey, guys.

Kamoosh: Let's get going then.

So, the five heroes move on in the castle, hearing a scream of utter terror followed by some explosions.

Fice T: GUH... GUH... GHOSTS!!!

The group rushes around looking for some way to the two comrades separated from them. They find a wall, but can't find a way into it.

Kamoosh: Boomus! Blow up the wall! It's us!

Boomus blows up the wall, of course. What, you think he was just going to stand there for the duration of the story? Anyways, as the heroes are united, an odd Duplighost walks in.

???: Hey, has anyone seen my green parrot?

Boomus: Yes, just go down the hall to your left and open the third door to your right.

???: Thanks!

So, the Duplighost finds his parrot and leaves.

Parrot: Boy, that was close! I thought you'd never rescue me, Doopli-

??? (Doopliss): Shut your yap! I don't want that suspicious Mario guy to take away my powers by saying my name! Who knows, one day an evil plan I have that involves taking over his body may be foiled just because of you!

Parrot: You got that long sentence thing from Morton, right?

Doopliss: Oh yeah.

Back with the heroes, they have just located the door to Morton's room. But it's locked, of course. They're about to charge the door when a voice comes over an intercom.

Morton: Prepare, get ready for, and hurry up with beginning the launch of Shiver Snowfield into the sun!

Hammer: This is perfect.

Boomus: Literally perfect or sarcastically perfect?


Bumpty 1: That's it! I hate being cramped in this one house! I'm moving to Poshley Heights!

Bumbty 2: Me too! I want to know how it feels to walk in the grass barefoot!

Mayor: You'll be sorry!

Just as the Bumpties that want to leave exit the town, Shiver City starts to be lifted by a gigantic metal platform, which starts to fly towards the sun with the city on it. The Bumpties that left just stare as it flies into the distance.

Bumpty 1: NOW who's sorry? Come on guys, let's take the Excess Express!

Back with our heroes, they have no avail at busting down the door.

Kamoosh: Guys! We need to find the key!

Mario: How? It's not like the key will just pop out of the door!

All of a sudden, a ghost pops out of the door covering his ears and holding the key.

Fice T: AHH!

Boo: I'm so sick of that guy's talking! He just goes on and on and on and on!

Kamoosh: Give us that key and we'll stop him for you.

Boo: Deal.

Mario: Ok, so the key did just pop out of the door. So what?

Goombario: How about we go in?

So they do. Inside they see a large wall with some blue hair poking over it. A tennis racket lays near the hair.

Kamoosh: Ludwig or Larry, which is it?

Larry suddenly leaps down, landing on his feet with the tennis racket in hand. It's glowing.

Larry: Heh, now I'll beat you for sure! And I'm rid of that stupid accent too!

The tennis racket and Larry both double in size, and the glowing continues.

Larry: That's not all my new shiny star stone thing-powered racket can do either!

Larry thrusts toward the group, and begins smacking them around easily.

Mario: There has to be a weakness in his attack. Are you getting anything, Goombario?

Goombario: No, he seems to be flawless in his attacks!

Larry: Ha! Let's just see you try to beat me.

Hammer: Mario! There's a live electrical wire dangling above Larry! If you can make them touch somehow, Larry will be powerless!

Mario: Oh, is that all?

Mario jumps onto the racket, then off onto Larry's head. Larry knocks Mario off, but smacks the power line in the process. The tennis racket is blown away, and Larry shrinks to his normal size. Meanwhile in Rogueport...

Crump: I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a Crystal Star here...

The tennis racket falls in front of him and the Crystal Star comes out.

Cruymp: I rule!

Back with our heroes...

Larry: Um... I'm sorry!

Larry runs off.

Mario: Good-a.

Hammer: Great. Now all we have to do is manage to stop Morton before we reach the sun!

Mario: Oh yeah-a.

Kamoosh: I wonder where we go from here.

The group tries everything they can think of, but simply can't figure out how to get around the wall.

Boomus: Maybe if I use Mistress Luck...

So he does. A plane falls out of the sky, hitting the wall. Out stumbles the big revenge-seeking group.

Jr. Troopa: Now we have you where we want you!

Mario: What makes you think we can't beat you?

Merlon: Isn't it obvious?

Everyone shakes their head "No".

Merlon: Fine, I quit! Me and my family are moving to Roguetown. I want to find out more about Shine Sprites anyway.

Merlon walks away.

Jr. Troopa: Uh... retreat!

So, the group manages to get past the wall, which is no longer standing. Beyond it they see nothing but a big red door.

Kamoosh: Yep. This is it. This door is the universal sign for a boss fight.

The group goes in. Inside, the door instantly locks and bolts fall, blocking the door. Nothing is inside the room but 15 candles burning with blue fire alligned in a circle. A Boo appears over the top of each, and everything in the room including the Boos begins spinning.

Hammer: Can we PLEASE stop spinning?!

Boomus: Soon.

Everything stops spinning, and then they fall to the floor. When the heroes land, they see that the fifteen Boos have all been combined to create Boolossus.

Mario: How-a are we going to defeat-a him?!

Luigi: How-a should I know-a?

Mario: LUIGI! When-a did you get here?!

Luigi: Oh, I was just leaning against this wall, waiting for you guys. So, can I join your party, now that you're in peril?

Mario: No.

Luigi: Darn, it didn't work. Come on guys, let's leave.

Boolossus: Okay, Weege.

So Luigi and Boolossus somehow manage to exit the room. Meanwhile, Columbus finds another red door, which everyone enters. There they find Morton's throne room.

Kamoosh: Hey, where's Morton?

Morton is nowhere in sight. Suddenly, they hear a voice over the intercom. It is, of course, Morton.

Morton: Goodbye, hasta la vista, see ya, bye, see you later, adios amigos, and later gator to all of you on this rocket. I am busy jumping out with one of the only 11 parachutes and the only way to turn off, disable, and shut down the rocket is to take my Rod, staff, wand, and-

Kamoosh: I already hate this guy.

Hammer: Didn't you already hate him before?

Kamoosh: Well, technically...

The group runs out of the room, only to realize they have no clue where the parachutes are.

Mario: Oh great. We have to find Morton now and stop the rocket!

Hammer: What happened to your accent?

Mario: I don't know...

The group procedes to search for almost 20 minutes around the whole castle for the parachutes to no avail. They meet back in Morton's throne room, seeing an enormous door with a sign saying "Secret Parachute Holding Place" above it.

Kamoosh: How did we miss that?!

Columbus: Darn RPGs, they always have a sequence of events.

Goombario: Whatever. RUN!!!

They grab the parachutes and jump out, conveniently landing right in front of Morton. They jump up.

Morton: Prepare to die, perish, and push up daisies!

Mario pulls out the Ice Wand and uses it to freeze all of Morton but his head and the arm he's holding the Rod with.

Morton: So... c-c-cold...

Mario takes the Rod, and the rocket falls and crashes behind him. Three girls come stumbling out.

Sister 1: We are the Wondering Sisters 3!

Sister 2: We are in severe pain now.

Sister 3: We will pass out!

The three pass out.

Columbus: That was too easy.

All of a sudden, the sun melts the ice holding Morton. Morton grabs the Power Rod.

Morton: Now take this, the power of this wand which has the magic of incredible strength that I can attack you with and make you pay for freezing me before the sun-


Hammer: That was for what you did to my brother!

Morton: You don't have a brother!

Hammer: I don't? Well... I...

Hammer hits Morton again.

Morton: Owww...

Mario: Um... Now what?

Kamoosh: Well, we are only missing one Rod. The unification one.

Goombario: That sounds so lame.

Columbus: Who has it?

Fice T: A-a-a-are the g-g-g-g-ghosts gone y-y-yet?

Boomus: Yes, you can come out now.

Fice T: I w-w-w-wasn't scared. I, uh, tripped and fell into a freezer.

Boomus: Yeah. Right.

Fice T. comes out.

Kamoosh: Bowser has the last Rod.

Mario: So, all-a we have to do-a is get-a in Bowser's Castle and-a beat him-a, then take-a the Rod-a?

Hammer: Yeah, that's the gist of it. Your accent came back again.

Mario: I hate it when that happens.

So they set out. Seconds after they leave Shiver City crashes back down.

Mayor Penguin: Do you ever feel like you're missing something?

Penguin: Yes. MY FISH POP!

Duplighost: (with fish pop smeared across his mouth) Uh... I didn't take it.

A white Bob-omb comes into the room.

General White: Amazing how many cameos from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door there are, aren't there?

Duplighost: HE took the fish pop!

The Bumpties, being single-minded, give chase to General White.

General White: I knew I should have stayed in Fahr Outpost and finished my-

General White gets launched into the air via a hidden catapult.

General White: -nnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppp!!!

Read on!

Credit goes to Martin, Miles "Thumbs" Power, Waluigi's Twin, Bobby, and Huge Iggy fan for writing, editing, suggesting, or in any way enhancing this story.

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