Chapter 1: SHHWONK! Oh man, I love that word
LAST TIME, IN THIS STUPID FUN FICTION:
Mario: A letter!
Mario goes to Rogueport.
Lord Crump: Noisy Cricket!
BOOOOOM!
Lord Crump: $*&%#&*$%&*#%($%#&($%^(#&^%$(&#($^%#!
Proffesor Frankly: This way, to the Thousand-Year Door!
Footnote: Hold up the map on the altar, idiot!
AAAH AAH AAAAH!
Mario: This pipe goes… to Petalburg and Hostess Land! HOOHOO!
Glue Glue Glue!
NOW, ON THE PATH TO PETALBURG:
GLUE GLUE ELMERS!
Mario: Methinks this pipe is defective.
Goombella: You’d think they would replace it by now. Look, it’s made of stone, and not… uh… warppipeium!
Mario: You just made that up, didn’t you?
Goombella: So what? The secret of the pipe will never be shown to you foolish mortal humans! WAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mario: Gotta go!
Mario runs away, until he reaches a river.
Mario: Oh no! I’ve gotta solve a puzzle to get across! No time, no time… Oh yeah!
Pulling out his grappling hook, Mario swings across to the other side. 25 minutes later, in Petalburg...
Goombella: Hi!
Mario: AAAAAAH! GET AWAY FROM ME!
Goombella: It was a joke! A JOKE!
Mario: Wait… *flips through plot* Wasn’t there supposed to be a castle suddenly appearing a ways back there?
Suddenly, a dragon flies across Petalburg.
Koopa: AIEE! It’s Hooktail!
The dragon flies across to a hill, and a huge castle made of Ho Hos suddenly appears.
Goombella: That must be Hostess Castle!
Mario: Hooktail must be holding the pastries hostage!
The mayor then comes out.
Mayor: Maaaaario… Maaaaaaaaariooooooooo…
Mario: Koooooooopleeeeeeey… Whaaaaaaaaat doooooooo yooooooouuuu waaaaaaaant?
Mayor: To get to Hostess Castle, you need to take the secret warp found in Shhwonk Fortress. Then you can defeat Hooktail, reclaim Hostess Land, and…
Mario is already running toward Shhwonk Fortress.
Mayor: ...get the Crystal Star… Great, he ran off before I told him what he really had to do.
Mario: I must save Hostess Castle! It is my destiny!
Goombella: No! Your destiny is to rule Hostess Land…
Mario: Yes!
Goombella: ...for a week.
At that moment, our heroes run into a room with two Bald Clefts (armless rock thingies) on pedastals. The door leading onward is gated shut.
Mario: Great! How could this get any worse?!
The two Bald Clefts jump down and start beating up Mario.
Mario: Ow! OW! OWOWOWOWOW!
Goombella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The force of Goombella’s scream, along with the large number of O’s, causes the entire fortress to explode, leaving a hole in the ground. Mario and Goombella fall through it.
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
WHAM!
Goombella: Oh my head… So, what are we supposed to do, anyways?
Mario: I have no idea.
Goombella: *sigh*
Fuzzy: Mee-OORK!
Mario: AHHH! FUZZY THING! MUST KILL! KILL! KILL! KILLL!
Fuzzy: AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEUUUUU!
After 32 and a half wasted minutes…
Mario: *huff… huff… huff…*
Goombella: According to my Paper Mario 2 guide from the Internet, we’re supposed to get a Sun Stone and a Moon Stone from the opposing ends of this cavern.
Mario: Can I kill Fuzzies?
Goombella: Yes.
Mario: :D
An hour later…
Goombella: I didn’t mean ALL the Fuzzies!
Mario: Who cares? We have the Sun Stone!
50 minutes later…
Mario: Yippie! I have the Moon Stone!
A Jigglypuff (GASP!) touches the Moon Stone and evolves. The Moon Stone blows up.
Goombella: HEE-YAGGA!
The force carries them over to… HOOKTAIL’S CASTLE! DUN DUN DUN!
Mario: EEEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAA-
WHAMMO!
Koops: Get offa me!
Goombella: Uh, what are you doing in the main hall of this creepy castle?
DK: Creepy Castle? NOOOOO!
Mario: Uh… er… um…
Suddenly, a huge cutout of Bowser pops up and shoots lasers at the castle.
Goombella: Great. *dodges laser fire* Now what are we supposed to do?
Koops: Grab on to my shell!
Koops, spinning in his shell, shoots the two dizzy partners to another room.
Goombella: Phew!
Red Bones: You will not leave this place…
Mario: Uh huh, uh huh?
Red Bones: Er, what’s my line?
Maguskoopa: For the last time, it’s ALIVE! BUAHAHAHAHA!
Red Bones: Oh, right. ALIVE! BUAHAHAHAHA!
Goombella: Wait a minute. Back there it said “HOOKTAIL’S CASTLE”. What happened to Hostess Castle?
Red Bones: Hooktail was hungry.
Mario: NOOOOOO! MY CASTLE! NOOOO NOOO NOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOOOO!!! *sobs*
Red Bones: Attack!
Millions upon millions of Dull Bones attack Red Bones.
Dull Bones: YAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!
Red Bones: Hey! Don’t mutinize me!
Koops: Mutinize me, Cap’n!
Red Bones: What th-
KRAKA-WHAMMO!!! Koops smashes a straight line through the castle for (number) feet, and bounces off of the (adjective) wall.
Please wait, we have some (adjective) difficulties.
45 minutes later…
Mario: That’s more like it!
Koops: Okay, I joined your party now… Right?
Goombella: YES!
Three hours later...
Koops: All right, we got to the next room!
Suddenly…
Ms. Mowz: Eep!
Mario: Uh… Who are you?
Ms. Mowz: I’m Ms. Mowz, master badge thief! I thought there was a super-rare badge in this castle, but all I found was this cup…
Ms. Mowz throws the Holy Grail out the window, where it is grabbed by the Dark Beast of AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!
Ms. Mowz: And this worthless badge…
She attempts to throw an SFX badge out the window, but Koops grabs it.
Ms. Mowz: And this paper. I’m leaving.
She jumps out the window with the Declaration of Independance.
Mario: Um.
Goombella: Onward!
An unverifiable amount of time later…
Koops: Finally-huff-made it-puff-to Hooktail’s tower-blowyourhousedown…
Koops collapses.
Goombella: Ah well, it’s just as well.
Mario and Goombella make it to the tower, but…
Mario: Hello, dragon! Are you there?
RUMBLE RUMBLE RUBMBLERUMBLE… SMAAAAAAAASH!
Goombella: Awowowowowowowow!
A giant made of Ho Hos smashes through the window.
Giant: I AM HOHOROOS! I MUST DESTROY HOOKTAIL!
Mario: Ooooo… Ho Hos…
Goombella: Oh, please, no…
Mario: I don’t like Ho Hos. Suzy Qs are much better.
Goombella: He just blew my mind.
Maguskoopa: Oh, great! Hardly anyone knows what a Suzy Q is! Why didn’t you just say “Twinkie”? Oops, I just inserted myself. Gotta run!
Maguskoopa disappears.
Goombella: Uh, Mario…
Mario: What?
Hooktail: YOU IDIOTS! I’VE BEEN HERE FOR HALF AN HOUR!
Koops suddenly pops in.
Koops: Hi guys, did I miss any… Eep.
Hooktail: OOH, KOOPA! AND GREEN-FLAVORED, TOO! I HATE BLUE RASPBERRY ONES LIKE THE ONE I ATE A COUPLE MONTHS AGO…
Koops: Noo! MY FATHER! YOU WILL DIIIIIIIIIIIE!
Koops shoots into Hooktail’s mouth, and is eaten.
Hooktail: Glomp! Umm. Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t you supposed to do a lot of puzzles and stuff?
At that moment, huge blocks start falling, spikes come out of the floor and ceiling, a bunch of bars appear, and a black chest, with a black key, appears right next to Mario.
Mario: Aw man.
Goombella: We need to solve all the puzzles!
Hooktail: GRRR… YOU WILL BE MY SNACK! I SWEAR IT!
Mario hits blocks, blah blah blah.
Chest: AHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! You now turn paper-thin when you press L! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Mario: Okay, I’ll try.
Mario turns paper thin, and walks around.
Goombella: STOP-USING-GAMESHARK-LEMMY-KOOPA!
Lemmy: You’re not supposed to know it was me!
Mario: (now at his normal size): Duh! You wrote your name on the file!
Lemmy: What? I wrote “Blue” on the file.
Mario: Why?
Lemmy: To get a blue Yoshi.
Mario: Why?
Lemmy: I like blue.
Mario: Why?
Lemmy: Because… wait a minute… OH NO! IT’S A RUNNING GAG! RUN MORTON, RUN!
Morton: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEE!!! INEVERNEVERNEVERWANTTOSAYWEDDINGCAKEAGAINITISTOOWHITEANDSWEET!
Goombella: Would you MIND finishing the puzzles already?
Lemmy: Oh, right.
A huge shark eats the puzzles and the Black Chest.
Chest: AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!
Shark: Mmm…
Mario: Wait. What happened to-
Hohoroos: DIE EVIL DRAGON!
Hohoroos is beating Hooktail up, to answer Mario’s question.
Hooktail: That doesn’t hurt. Boy, I wish I didn’t yell so often in my intro…
Hohoroos: THEN TRY THIS!
Hohoroos starts doing the Ninja-Z Disco (which is the worst dance in the universe).
Hooktail: AAAH! IT BURNS!
Mario: Go! Go! Go!
Hohoroos: BEAT THAT!
Hooktail: Heheh…
Suddenly, the floor under Hohoroos’ feet falls open, and he lands on a Dance Dance Revolution pad.
Hooktail: Let’s see if you can beat DDRExtreme!
Goombella: Dance Dance Revolution Extreme?
A screen pops up and a punk guy starts to dance.
Hohoroos: HA! THIS IS NOT DDR! THERE ARE NO ARROWS TELLING YOU WHERE TO DANCE!
Suddenly, hundreds of arrows fall down the screen at a ridiculously fast pace.
Hohoroos: OH MY DAD…
Hohoroos attempts to do it, but he is far too slow.
Hohoroos: ARRRRGGGHH… YAAAAAA!
BLAMMO! Hohoroos dances so fast that his legs explode and Ho Hos go everywhere. Hohoroos then falls through an inconveniently-placed trapdoor.
Hohoroos: NOOOOOoooooo… *sploosh*
Hooktail: So THAT’S where the well was!
Mario: You may have defeated Hohoroos, but we have a tactic you’ll lose to!
Goombella: What’s that?
Mario: Face opponent… and…
Hooktail: Pah! Such insolence!
Mario: FAST BREAK!
Mario runs away, Hooktail running after him.
Hooktail: COME BACK, MEAT!
Goombella: ... Guess I’ll just take this blue SFX badge and leave.
Goombella parachutes out the window, landing in Petalburg. Meanwhile…
Mario: AAAAAAAAH!
Hooktail: COME BACK, MEAT!
Cree-kee!
Hooktail: Uh?
Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee!
Hooktail: NO! NOT A CRICKET!
Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee!
Hooktail: AAAOOOOAAAAOOOAAAAOOAOAOAOAOAOAOAHHH!
BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Hooktail’s castle explodes… for no reason other than Hooktail accidentally voice-commanding the castle to go on self-destruct. Everyone falls into the hills, and Hooktail continues to scream.
Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee!
Hooktail: AAAAAUUUGGHH!
Meanwhile, inside Hooktail…
Koops: This is weird.
The camera zooms out, and you see Koops, a blue Koopa shell, and a treasure chest stuck in a giant pinball.
Koops: When I saw that blue Dull Bones a while back there, I thought it was my dad! Then I remembered that Dad wouldn’t be bald. Then I remembered that Hooktail, having a very traumatic time with a “lucky charm” in old China, is scared of crickets. So I stuck my SFX badge on my shell, and whenever I’m used as a pinball, the badge rings! Then I remembered that I like donuts. I wonder who that blue shell belongs to… Why am I talking like I’m in an Interview? And who IS the owner of that blue shell? Is it… my father?
Amoeba: Time for pinball!
Outside…
Mario: Stand up and fight like a… uh… boss.
Hooktail: Fine then!
Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee! Cree-kee!
Hooktail: Uhh…
A little “tilt” signs appear in Hooktail’s eyes.
Hooktail: Must… summon… strength… SUPER FIRE BREATH ATTACK!
Mario: EEEEEEEK!
Suddenly, a flash of brown flies around Hooktail, making her dizzy. The flash then bonks Hooktail so many times she loses control and falls down. Hooktail then coughs up Koops, the blue shell, and the chest.
Koops: It’s the Great Zamboni!
Great Zamboni: Yes! It is I, the Great Zamboni! The Great Zamboni would have been faster in getting here, but he had to destroy a magician in Spyro: Year of The Dragon! Well, the Great Zamboni’s work is done.
The Great Zamboni gets on a Heli-Zamboni and flies away.
Mario: Gee, you would’ve thought that he would be touchier after getting only one line.
Koops: Wait… Where’s Goombella?
Mario: She parachuted out and landed… Oops…
Koops: Mario, you dummy! You’re not supposed to know that!
Mario: Um…er…ah… Let’s see what’s in that chest!
Mario opens the chest, and the Diamond Star comes out.
Koops: Yippee!
Goombella (now back with the party): Woohoo!
Mario: YEAH! MARIO’S-A GOT IT!!!
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah… Nananah!
END OF CHAPTER, EXCEPT FOR ALL THIS OTHER STUFF
Cut to Bowser’s castle...
Bowser: Oh, lookie! It’s Appear in a Game Day! Uh…
Kammy: Hey, Bowser!
Bowser: WHAT?!
Kammy: Uh… I hear that there are some really cool things called Crystal Stars scattered around the Rogueport region.
Bowser: What? Cooooool! Except I’m too lazy to get them. How many are there?
Kammy: Hm, let’s see… Seven Star Spirits, seven star things in SMRPG, so I’m guessing there are seven Crystal Stars.
Bowser: Good! Send the Koopalings after them!
Cut to Peach. She is being led into some kind of throne room by Lord Crumpet.
Crump: IT’S LORD CRUMP, YOU MORONS!
Oops, sorry. Uh… Then Peach sees someone other than Bowser on a metal throne.
Peach: Who are you? I thought it was my monthly kidnapping by Bowser.
Grodus: I… am his substitute for today! My name is Lord Grodus. I can’t tell you why I need you, for that’s in Chapter Seven.
Crump: We X-Nauts aren’t all rainbows and lollipops, you know. We can be quite nasty.
Grodus: Yeah… Like one of those mocha-filled chocolates you know are in an assortment, but can’t tell which one it is. Mmm… Mocha-filled chocolate...
Crump: Take her to her room!
X-Naut: Yes, Lord Crump-
Crump: Say Crumpet and I’ll make you into a janitor.
X-Naut: Uh, Crump Almighty.
The X-Naut leads Peach into a room.
Peach: Huh. This place is better than cells and stuff, anyway… Ooh, a TV! I wonder what they have…
Peach turns on the TV.
Fawful: I HAVE FURY! I HAVE FURY! I HAVE FURY!
Peach: The M&L:SS Channel! All right!
Suddenly, the TV goes blank. A message appears.
Message: Go all the way to the right of the floor.
Peach: Huh? But the door-
The door opens.
Peach: Oh.
Peach walks all the way to the right, winding up in a room with a supercomputer.
Supercomputer: Hello, Princess Peach.
Peach: Yeep! What are you?
Supercomputer: I am a powerful supercomputer called TEC. I run everything here.
Peach: So, what do you want from me?
TEC: Oh, you’ll just have to do assorted errands, dance with me, et cetera.
Peach: Hmm. I see…
TEC: Go to your room now, before Bob comes in.
Peach: Whatever.
She leaves.
Bob: TEC, have you been lusting after princesses again?
TEC: Uh… No… No I haven’t…
Did you like this (noun)?
Please wait, we have some technical (plural noun).
Larry: Wha?
Susan: I changed it into a Madlib. That way, the author will be busy, and we can kiss!
Larry: NOOOOOOOOO-
Susan is caught by a flying pig and is carried to Joke’s End.
Larry: Yes! BOOYAH!