Paper Mario Cut: The 999-Year Window

By Maguskoopa

Chapter 2: Puny Punies are Puniful! Any more forms of “puny” I can use?

LAST TIME, ON THIS STUPID FUN FICTION…

Mario: So this is Petalburg!

Kroop: You must save Hostess Castle!

Fuzzy: EEEEEAAAAIIIOOOOUUUUUU!!!

Hooktail: Time to die!

Cree-kee!

Hooktail: Ulp!

Mario holds up the Crystal Star.

Mario: YEAH! MARIO’S-A GOT IT!!!

Bowser: Send out the Koopalings to get the Crystal Stars. NOW!

Peach: Oh no! I’ve been captured by the X-Nauts!
 

Mario and his partners are in Petalburg.

Kroop: We would like to thank you for saving us from Hooktail. Oh, and my name’s Kroop. You heard it wrong.

Koops: Our pleasure… But what’s with the blue shell?

Kroop: Um…

Koops’s father jumps out of the shell.

Koops: Dad! Is that you?

Koops’s Dad: Yep! Hold on… Kroop, have you been stealing my name again? For the last time, I’M KOOPLEY!!!

Mario: Well, I guess it’s time to go to the 999-Year Window.

Kroop: I thought it was the Thousand-Year Door?

Goombella: Long story.

At the 999-Year Window…

Koops: (singing) This is pie control to major yum. We eaten all your pi-ii-ie...

Goombella: Would you PLEASE put a sock in it?

Koops: But it’s my favorite song!

Mario: Look, we don’t have all day here. I hear that someone left Choco-Sugar-Sprinkle-Super Donuts in the break room.

Goombella: I never even knew we had a break room.

Mario: *sigh*

Koops: DONUTS!!!

Mario: Oh, let’s just get this over with.

Mario holds up the map on the altar. The result is predictable. Oh yeah, and Mario gets a cool power to bounce on the ground.

Koops: Ooooh, pretty lights.

A star made of emeralds appears near the north end of the map.

Goombella: Wow! Sweet! I just hope that nothing pops up…

A huge tree pops up, covering the star.

Koops: Aaaaaaarrrrggghhh!

The group returns to Professor Frankly’s house via one-way warp.

Frankly: AAAAAAAAAAHHH! You scared the bejeebers out of me!

Goombella: Sorry about your bejeebers, Professor. But would you tell us where the Emerald Crystal Star is?

Frankly: Let me see… Hm… Hmmmm… OH YEAH!

Koops: Gak! What?

Frankly: I like hot dogs. Buy Hoggle’s Hot Dogs™! Oh, right… That Crystal Star is in Boggly Woods.

Mario: What’s that place like?

Goombella: Two words… forest fire.

Mario: Aaaaah.

Koops: How are we supposed to get there?

Frankly: I believe that there is a pipe under Rogueport that leads to Boggly Woods.

Koops: But that place is huge!

Goombella: Well, we’ve accumulated new powers, so I’m pretty sure that we need to use them to get to Boggly Woods.

Mario: Uh… Wha… HEY, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!

15 minutes later…

Mario, paper thin: *sigh*

Goombella: Heh. With this controller *holds up GameCube controller*, and this Internet guide, we should be able to get there easily!

Koops: According to the guide, we need to look closely right…

Suddenly, a gray-striped slug thing runs into a mouse hole.

Goombella: Wak!

Mario: After him!

Koops: How do you know it’s a him?

Mario: I just know.

Goombella: The mousehole is way too small to get into, but those bars…

Mario: Oh-

Goombella presses R on her controller, causing everyone to slip sideways through the bars.

Koops: Brrr, that’s weird.

Suddenly, they see the slug thing.

Slug Thing: DON’T EAT ME! I’M JUST A POOR LITTLE PUNIE NAMED PUNIO!

Mario: Hmmm… Let’s see… Oh, yeah! Here it is!

Mario pulls out a frying pan.

Punio: Yeep!

Punio runs away into another mousehole.

Goombella: *sigh* You do realize, Mario, that Punio is necessary to continue the game.

Koops: No it isn’t! Just press B on this GBA! I have Sonic Advance 2 on it.

Mario: Okay!

He presses B. A chao (or universally cute thingy) destroys everything within a 3-yard radius, except for Mario and his partners.

Goombella: Hey! That’s cheating!

Koops: Nope, it’s cheese.

Mario: …Uh… um… Hey, let’s go!

Goombella: Okey dokey!

They go into the extremely conspicuous wooden pipe sticking out of the wall that they just uncovered.

Bald Cleft: Is “conspicuous” a word?

Maguskoopa: AAAAAH! CLEFT! MUST KILL!

I throw a DS with Feel the Magic: XY/XX at the Cleft. The hardness is toxic.

Bald Cleft: AAAARRRRGGGggghhhh…

The Bald Cleft dies. Meanwhile, in Boggly Woods…

Koops: Man, Goombella, you weren’t joking when you said “forest fire”.

Mario: What’s with these funky black trees?

Goombella: Those are Boggly Trees, which are suited for the monochromic habitat.

Koops: Uh-WHA?!

Mario: She means that the trees are correctly colored.

Goombella: Look, are we just going to stand around here talking about the trees? Let’s go!

So, our brave party heads off. In the next part of the woods…

Beldam: Hee hee hee!

Marilyn: Buhhhh…

Vivian: He…he…heee… Uh… What are we laughing about again?

Beldam: That we got that profile of our target! You DO have it, don’t you?

Vivian: I gave it to you, didn’t I?

Beldam: No you didn’t! Hmf. For trying to pin blame on me, you will be PUNISHED!

While Beldam is chewing Vivian out, Mario and Co. calmly walk past. Five hours later…

Vivian: Aww… Do I HAVE to give this necklace to you?

Marilyn: Buhhh...

Beldam: INSOLENCE! AUUGH!

Mario: Have you noticed how weird those things are?

Goombella: Yeah. Those are the Shadow Sirens, who are well known for blowing things up and… stuff… Yeah.

Koops: Well, I think we should go to that big tree over there.

Mario: What makes you think that?

Koops: The Internet guide.

Cleft: GRACK!

Goombella: Eeek! A Cleft!

Koops: Never fear, Koops is hear!

Mario: Koops is “hear”?

Koops: … Uh… HAYYA!

KRAKKA-WHAMMO! Koops, Goombella, and Mario shoot towards the big tree.

Koops: Almost... the-

WHAM! Everyone is squashed by a giant shoe.

Mario: The pain…

20 minutes later, at the base of the Great Tree…

Goombella: Let’s see what this sign says. Hmm… Ah! It says, “Great Tree: You need Flurrie to get in here because some idiot made a locked door in the entrance. And it’s evil.”

Mario: Woah.

Goombella: Let’s skip the Flurrie part… I hate Clefts.

Koops: We know.

Mario: Skip Flurrie?! How the-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! A randomly placed H-Bomb explodes.

Mario: Are we supposed to un…lock… um… Well, the door’s open now!

Goombella: Randomness to the rescue again…

Now, they are… INSIDE! THE! TREEEEEEE!!!

Koops: Has anyone besides me noticed that the author is overdramatic?

Punie: Eeeek! It’s big people!

The Punies hide.

Mario: Hm. Looks like we need to find the Crystal Star… in this big place… without Punies.

Goombella: Yeah. The odds are totally tilted against us.

Koops: What we need is a…

X-Naut: ROCKET LAUNCHER!

BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! BOOM? BOOM... BOOOOOM!

X-Naut: I think I just hurt myself… badly…

The X-Naut dies.

Mario: Sweet! A rocket launcher!

Koops: But I was going to say that we needed a…

X-Naut: HOLY HAND GRENADE!

BOOOOOM BABY BOOOOOOM!!!

X-Naut: Uhhhh…

The X-Naut dies.

Goombella: I call dibs on the hand grenade.

Koops: I was GOING to say that we needed a…

X-Naut: KAMIKAZE WATERMELON!

Kamikaze Watermelon: Whee!

SPLOTCH!

X-Naut: Gaarrrkk!

The X-Naut dies for no reason.

Koops: Yes! Finally! A Kamikaze Watermelon Jetpack! Now we can… uh… um… fly around?

Mario: …

Goombella: Uh, guys, hate to spoil your party, but the X-Nauts are invading this tree! In case you don’t know, X-Nauts are evil baddie things.

Mario: Then let’s make them un-invade!

Koops: I know that “un-invade” is not a word. I KNOW that.

Goombella: Guys, guys, settle your differences.

Mario: Fine!

30 minutes later…

Koops: Who…ever… thought… that… this… would… be… so… tough?!

Goombella: The strategy guide people.

Mario: But they didn’t actually know that!

Goombella: I stick to my beliefs… Woah!

The Shadow Sirens rise through the floor.

Beldam: Eeheehee! Now that we heard that, it is time to battle!

Mario: But where did you find…

Beldam: You don’t want to know.

Goombella: Erk.

Vivian: And since you cheated and didn’t try to get Flurrie’s necklace, we couldn’t battle you earlier!

Marilyn: Buuh… guh! GUH!

X-Nauts: Yes, ma’am!

Billions of X-Nauts flood the Great Tree, desperately searching for the Crystal Star. Mario and Co. are pushed into a cage. After the “flood” dies down…

???: Buh-huh-huh-huh-huh! You have fallen into my trap!

Goombella: Oh no! It’s Lord Crump…

Lord Crump: Say Crumpet and I’ll say… NI!

Goombella: AAARRGH!

Lord Crump: So, unless you have any English teatime jokes you would like to regale me with, I’ll leave you to the Shadow Sirens!

Koops: What?

Marilyn: Buhhh!

Mario: Yipe! Uh… hm… oh, I’ve got it! KAMIKAZE WATERMELON!

Doo-doo-doo-dee!

Kamikaze Watermelon: Wheeee!

SPLOTCH! The watermelon splatters all over the Shadow Sirens, knocking them out. Mario and Goombella slip through the bars, but Koops grabs the jetpack off of the Kamikaze Watermelon again.

Koops: Yeah! Now I have two jetpacks!

Koops slips through the bars.

Goombella: Now that they’re out of the way, let’s go in there!

In there…

Mario: Hey, a switch!

Goombella: That’s odd… According to my Internet guide, we’re suppposed to defeat Jabbies before this.

Exactly 110 Jabbies start pummeling Mario.

Goombella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The sheer number of O’s sends some blue shoes flying at Mario.

Mario: Haha! Yes! Now I have the Super Boots!

Mario squashes 109 1/2 Jabbies with the boots off. The remaining half a Jabbie continues to pummel Mario.

Koops: Half a Jabbie?!

Mario puts the boots on and the world falls into the sun.

Goombella: Wait, if the world just fell into the sun, how can we still be living?

Maguskoopa: I said the world fell into the sun, not Plit.

Koops: Arrgg… loophole… rrk!

The half Jabbie dies for no reason.

Goombella: Once again, randomness wins.

30 minutes later…

Mario: Wouldn’t it *grunt* be easier *oof* to get 101 Punies *aaargh* than pry this thing *ogf* up?

Koops: No, it would- YEEEEEEEEAAAAA!

Goombella: Well, that’s the sign that we’re at the end.

In a big ceremonial chamber thingy…

Mario: Hey, a fountain.

Goombella: Hey, I’m pretty thirsty.

Goombella presses the valve on the fountain. A Crystal Star comes out.

Flurrie: All right! We got it!

Mario: Flurrie, what are you do…

Lord Crump leaps out of his Flurrie costume.

Crump: Hahaha! Now I will take this Crystal Star! And just for good measure, I’ll set this bomb to go off in five minutes! HAHAHAA!

Peep!

Mario: …ing here?

Crump escapes through a pipe.

T MINUS 5 MINUTES

Mario: RUN!

Goombella: Let’s go through that pipe!

T MINUS 4 MINUTES

Koops: Where are we?!

X-Nauts: ATTACK- ARK!

The X-Nauts die.

T MINUS 2.00000000000000000000001 MINUTES

Goombella: Wha?!

Mario: No time! Gotta run!

T MINUS 1.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001-20579-203958721-083475-258374103984750139875 MINUTES

Koops: We made it!

Crump: Now to escape… Wait! My pie!

Mario: Ha! I stole your pie!

Crump: Rrrg. I’d better stop this timer first.

Peep!

Crump: Oops, wrong button.

Peep! Peep! Peep! BOOOOOJMMMEDSYUKUWN$BTNLIWNY!

Crump: There we go!

The timer is stopped at… um… .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000534y94587394857394873 seconds.

Goombella: That was a close one!

Crump: Now witness full fury! MAGNUS VON GRAPPLE!

Crump hops into the cockpit of a giant robot.

Koops: Now that’s cheap!

Crump: No way! This was a marvel of technology!

Mario: No, it’s junk.

Crump: YOU… DARE… INSULT… MAGNUS?!

Magnus: *vree* Opponents detected. Now initializing enemy destruction program A: Foot.

WHAM!

Goombella: Owww…

Goombella faints.

Magnus: Enter command.

Crump: Okay! Here we go!

Typety-typety-type!

Magnus: Huge_blast.atk selected.

VREEEEE… KAPOW!

Koops: Looks like I’m out, too…

Koops pretends to faint, but runs to the break room.

Crump: Now, to finish things off…

Typety!

Magnus: I am sorry. Instant_death.atk not installed.

Crump: Wha! I’m sure that I installed it!

Mario: Heeheehee. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Crump: How about this?

Magnus: Zeeky_boogy_doog.hbm does not-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Mario: Ouch.

Crump: Wha?! He still has 1 HP?! Grrrrr…

Magnus: Rocket_arms.atk selected.

Magnus’s arms come out. Guided missles appear on the arms. Lasers appear on the missiles.

Crump: FIRE!

Paranoid Dude: AAAAAAAH! WHERE’S THE SAND?!

FWOOOSH! FWOOOSH!

At that moment, in his doomship’s junk pile…

Ludwig: Ahh, it’s good to see my old inventions again! The Zeeky Bomb… Mr. Big Shoe… Ketchup Gas… Hey, what’s this?

Ludwig holds up a controller labeled “Magnus Rocket Arm” and fiddles around with it.

Ludwig: Hm. Doesn’t seem to do anything. Oh well.

Back to Crump...

Crump: Buh huh huh-WHA?!

The rocket arms start aiming at Magnus. Lord Crump suddenly has a flashback of giving a Rocket Arm controller to Ludwig.

Crump: Oh crud.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM? Yeah, BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Crump: I’m blasting off againnnnnnnn… *twink*

Mario takes out two Life Shrooms from his pocket and feeds them to Goombella and Koops.

Goombella: Mmm. Minty.

Mario: So where’s that Crystal Star?

Koops: Uh… I think Crumpet had it in his pointy hat.

50 miles into the atmosphere…

Crump: Ha! At least I still have this green Crystal Star- Whoops!

The Crystal Star flies out of his hands.

Goombella: Now we’ll never-

BONK!

Goombella: OW! Hey, this is the Crystal Star!

Koops: Hey, it… IS! WE GOT IT! YIPPEE!

Goombella: WOOHOOHOO!

Mario: YEAH! MARIO’S-A GOT IT!!!

END OF CHAPTER. BUT IT ISN’T REALLY THE END OF THE CHAPTER. AHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!

Meanwhile, in the X-Naut base...

Grodus: Hmmm. Crump should be flying onto the floor through the roof, without the Crystal Star, right…

WHAM!

Crump: I’m sorry, sir, I couldn’t retrieve the Crystal Star.

Grodus: Yes! I win the bet!

Yux: Aw man.

Meanwhile…

Peach: I’m bored. I think I’ll watch some TV!

Fawful: I HAVE FURY! I HAVE-

VREE!

Peach: Oh well.

In TEC’s room…

Peach: Hi, TEC.

TEC: Hello, Peach. Will you dance with me?

Peach: Um, sure. But I think you’re a little… um… heavy for me to dance with…

TEC: Here, try this.

For the next hour, Peach dances with a hologram of *insert name of most romantic villain you can think of*.

Meanwhile…

Larry: I’m glad King Dad assigned me to get the Crystal Star in Petal Meadows. I like it here- WHA?!

Sign: I’m sorry, Mario has already taken the Diamond Star.

-Hooktail

Larry: GRRRRRR!!!

Larry stomps through Hooktail’s Castle, smashing everything. He eventually reaches the well.

Larry: Huh? How’d I get to this well…?

Hohoroos: PLEASE… RESCUE… MEEEE…

Larry: Say, Ho Hos!

30 snackful minutes later…

Larry: Mmm. Ho Hos.

Read owo;iehr;eaoiryh3a;w48to…

Larry: Uh oh…

Maguskoopa: That’s strange. Susan is still in Joke’s End!

Larry: Then who…

Flurrie: Mmwah!

Larry: AAAAAAAH-

VWRRRRR!

Larry: Thank you again, author with that cool wind tunnel. What can I ever do to repay you?

Maguskoopa: How about four Frost Piranha seedlings for my front lawn?

Larry: You got it!

Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.