Chapter 2: Puny Punies are Puniful! Any more forms of “puny” I can use?
LAST TIME, ON THIS STUPID FUN FICTION…
Mario: So this is Petalburg!
Kroop: You must save Hostess Castle!
Fuzzy: EEEEEAAAAIIIOOOOUUUUUU!!!
Hooktail: Time to die!
Cree-kee!
Hooktail: Ulp!
Mario holds up the Crystal Star.
Mario: YEAH! MARIO’S-A GOT IT!!!
Bowser: Send out the Koopalings to get the Crystal Stars. NOW!
Peach: Oh no! I’ve been captured by
the X-Nauts!
Mario and his partners are in Petalburg.
Kroop: We would like to thank you for saving us from Hooktail. Oh, and my name’s Kroop. You heard it wrong.
Koops: Our pleasure… But what’s with the blue shell?
Kroop: Um…
Koops’s father jumps out of the shell.
Koops: Dad! Is that you?
Koops’s Dad: Yep! Hold on… Kroop, have you been stealing my name again? For the last time, I’M KOOPLEY!!!
Mario: Well, I guess it’s time to go to the 999-Year Window.
Kroop: I thought it was the Thousand-Year Door?
Goombella: Long story.
At the 999-Year Window…
Koops: (singing) This is pie control to major yum. We eaten all your pi-ii-ie...
Goombella: Would you PLEASE put a sock in it?
Koops: But it’s my favorite song!
Mario: Look, we don’t have all day here. I hear that someone left Choco-Sugar-Sprinkle-Super Donuts in the break room.
Goombella: I never even knew we had a break room.
Mario: *sigh*
Koops: DONUTS!!!
Mario: Oh, let’s just get this over with.
Mario holds up the map on the altar. The result is predictable. Oh yeah, and Mario gets a cool power to bounce on the ground.
Koops: Ooooh, pretty lights.
A star made of emeralds appears near the north end of the map.
Goombella: Wow! Sweet! I just hope that nothing pops up…
A huge tree pops up, covering the star.
Koops: Aaaaaaarrrrggghhh!
The group returns to Professor Frankly’s house via one-way warp.
Frankly: AAAAAAAAAAHHH! You scared the bejeebers out of me!
Goombella: Sorry about your bejeebers, Professor. But would you tell us where the Emerald Crystal Star is?
Frankly: Let me see… Hm… Hmmmm… OH YEAH!
Koops: Gak! What?
Frankly: I like hot dogs. Buy Hoggle’s Hot Dogs™! Oh, right… That Crystal Star is in Boggly Woods.
Mario: What’s that place like?
Goombella: Two words… forest fire.
Mario: Aaaaah.
Koops: How are we supposed to get there?
Frankly: I believe that there is a pipe under Rogueport that leads to Boggly Woods.
Koops: But that place is huge!
Goombella: Well, we’ve accumulated new powers, so I’m pretty sure that we need to use them to get to Boggly Woods.
Mario: Uh… Wha… HEY, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!
15 minutes later…
Mario, paper thin: *sigh*
Goombella: Heh. With this controller *holds up GameCube controller*, and this Internet guide, we should be able to get there easily!
Koops: According to the guide, we need to look closely right…
Suddenly, a gray-striped slug thing runs into a mouse hole.
Goombella: Wak!
Mario: After him!
Koops: How do you know it’s a him?
Mario: I just know.
Goombella: The mousehole is way too small to get into, but those bars…
Mario: Oh-
Goombella presses R on her controller, causing everyone to slip sideways through the bars.
Koops: Brrr, that’s weird.
Suddenly, they see the slug thing.
Slug Thing: DON’T EAT ME! I’M JUST A POOR LITTLE PUNIE NAMED PUNIO!
Mario: Hmmm… Let’s see… Oh, yeah! Here it is!
Mario pulls out a frying pan.
Punio: Yeep!
Punio runs away into another mousehole.
Goombella: *sigh* You do realize, Mario, that Punio is necessary to continue the game.
Koops: No it isn’t! Just press B on this GBA! I have Sonic Advance 2 on it.
Mario: Okay!
He presses B. A chao (or universally cute thingy) destroys everything within a 3-yard radius, except for Mario and his partners.
Goombella: Hey! That’s cheating!
Koops: Nope, it’s cheese.
Mario: …Uh… um… Hey, let’s go!
Goombella: Okey dokey!
They go into the extremely conspicuous wooden pipe sticking out of the wall that they just uncovered.
Bald Cleft: Is “conspicuous” a word?
Maguskoopa: AAAAAH! CLEFT! MUST KILL!
I throw a DS with Feel the Magic: XY/XX at the Cleft. The hardness is toxic.
Bald Cleft: AAAARRRRGGGggghhhh…
The Bald Cleft dies. Meanwhile, in Boggly Woods…
Koops: Man, Goombella, you weren’t joking when you said “forest fire”.
Mario: What’s with these funky black trees?
Goombella: Those are Boggly Trees, which are suited for the monochromic habitat.
Koops: Uh-WHA?!
Mario: She means that the trees are correctly colored.
Goombella: Look, are we just going to stand around here talking about the trees? Let’s go!
So, our brave party heads off. In the next part of the woods…
Beldam: Hee hee hee!
Marilyn: Buhhhh…
Vivian: He…he…heee… Uh… What are we laughing about again?
Beldam: That we got that profile of our target! You DO have it, don’t you?
Vivian: I gave it to you, didn’t I?
Beldam: No you didn’t! Hmf. For trying to pin blame on me, you will be PUNISHED!
While Beldam is chewing Vivian out, Mario and Co. calmly walk past. Five hours later…
Vivian: Aww… Do I HAVE to give this necklace to you?
Marilyn: Buhhh...
Beldam: INSOLENCE! AUUGH!
Mario: Have you noticed how weird those things are?
Goombella: Yeah. Those are the Shadow Sirens, who are well known for blowing things up and… stuff… Yeah.
Koops: Well, I think we should go to that big tree over there.
Mario: What makes you think that?
Koops: The Internet guide.
Cleft: GRACK!
Goombella: Eeek! A Cleft!
Koops: Never fear, Koops is hear!
Mario: Koops is “hear”?
Koops: … Uh… HAYYA!
KRAKKA-WHAMMO! Koops, Goombella, and Mario shoot towards the big tree.
Koops: Almost... the-
WHAM! Everyone is squashed by a giant shoe.
Mario: The pain…
20 minutes later, at the base of the Great Tree…
Goombella: Let’s see what this sign says. Hmm… Ah! It says, “Great Tree: You need Flurrie to get in here because some idiot made a locked door in the entrance. And it’s evil.”
Mario: Woah.
Goombella: Let’s skip the Flurrie part… I hate Clefts.
Koops: We know.
Mario: Skip Flurrie?! How the-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! A randomly placed H-Bomb explodes.
Mario: Are we supposed to un…lock… um… Well, the door’s open now!
Goombella: Randomness to the rescue again…
Now, they are… INSIDE! THE! TREEEEEEE!!!
Koops: Has anyone besides me noticed that the author is overdramatic?
Punie: Eeeek! It’s big people!
The Punies hide.
Mario: Hm. Looks like we need to find the Crystal Star… in this big place… without Punies.
Goombella: Yeah. The odds are totally tilted against us.
Koops: What we need is a…
X-Naut: ROCKET LAUNCHER!
BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! BOOM? BOOM... BOOOOOM!
X-Naut: I think I just hurt myself… badly…
The X-Naut dies.
Mario: Sweet! A rocket launcher!
Koops: But I was going to say that we needed a…
X-Naut: HOLY HAND GRENADE!
BOOOOOM BABY BOOOOOOM!!!
X-Naut: Uhhhh…
The X-Naut dies.
Goombella: I call dibs on the hand grenade.
Koops: I was GOING to say that we needed a…
X-Naut: KAMIKAZE WATERMELON!
Kamikaze Watermelon: Whee!
SPLOTCH!
X-Naut: Gaarrrkk!
The X-Naut dies for no reason.
Koops: Yes! Finally! A Kamikaze Watermelon Jetpack! Now we can… uh… um… fly around?
Mario: …
Goombella: Uh, guys, hate to spoil your party, but the X-Nauts are invading this tree! In case you don’t know, X-Nauts are evil baddie things.
Mario: Then let’s make them un-invade!
Koops: I know that “un-invade” is not a word. I KNOW that.
Goombella: Guys, guys, settle your differences.
Mario: Fine!
30 minutes later…
Koops: Who…ever… thought… that… this… would… be… so… tough?!
Goombella: The strategy guide people.
Mario: But they didn’t actually know that!
Goombella: I stick to my beliefs… Woah!
The Shadow Sirens rise through the floor.
Beldam: Eeheehee! Now that we heard that, it is time to battle!
Mario: But where did you find…
Beldam: You don’t want to know.
Goombella: Erk.
Vivian: And since you cheated and didn’t try to get Flurrie’s necklace, we couldn’t battle you earlier!
Marilyn: Buuh… guh! GUH!
X-Nauts: Yes, ma’am!
Billions of X-Nauts flood the Great Tree, desperately searching for the Crystal Star. Mario and Co. are pushed into a cage. After the “flood” dies down…
???: Buh-huh-huh-huh-huh! You have fallen into my trap!
Goombella: Oh no! It’s Lord Crump…
Lord Crump: Say Crumpet and I’ll say… NI!
Goombella: AAARRGH!
Lord Crump: So, unless you have any English teatime jokes you would like to regale me with, I’ll leave you to the Shadow Sirens!
Koops: What?
Marilyn: Buhhh!
Mario: Yipe! Uh… hm… oh, I’ve got it! KAMIKAZE WATERMELON!
Doo-doo-doo-dee!
Kamikaze Watermelon: Wheeee!
SPLOTCH! The watermelon splatters all over the Shadow Sirens, knocking them out. Mario and Goombella slip through the bars, but Koops grabs the jetpack off of the Kamikaze Watermelon again.
Koops: Yeah! Now I have two jetpacks!
Koops slips through the bars.
Goombella: Now that they’re out of the way, let’s go in there!
In there…
Mario: Hey, a switch!
Goombella: That’s odd… According to my Internet guide, we’re suppposed to defeat Jabbies before this.
Exactly 110 Jabbies start pummeling Mario.
Goombella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The sheer number of O’s sends some blue shoes flying at Mario.
Mario: Haha! Yes! Now I have the Super Boots!
Mario squashes 109 1/2 Jabbies with the boots off. The remaining half a Jabbie continues to pummel Mario.
Koops: Half a Jabbie?!
Mario puts the boots on and the world falls into the sun.
Goombella: Wait, if the world just fell into the sun, how can we still be living?
Maguskoopa: I said the world fell into the sun, not Plit.
Koops: Arrgg… loophole… rrk!
The half Jabbie dies for no reason.
Goombella: Once again, randomness wins.
30 minutes later…
Mario: Wouldn’t it *grunt* be easier *oof* to get 101 Punies *aaargh* than pry this thing *ogf* up?
Koops: No, it would- YEEEEEEEEAAAAA!
Goombella: Well, that’s the sign that we’re at the end.
In a big ceremonial chamber thingy…
Mario: Hey, a fountain.
Goombella: Hey, I’m pretty thirsty.
Goombella presses the valve on the fountain. A Crystal Star comes out.
Flurrie: All right! We got it!
Mario: Flurrie, what are you do…
Lord Crump leaps out of his Flurrie costume.
Crump: Hahaha! Now I will take this Crystal Star! And just for good measure, I’ll set this bomb to go off in five minutes! HAHAHAA!
Peep!
Mario: …ing here?
Crump escapes through a pipe.
T MINUS 5 MINUTES
Mario: RUN!
Goombella: Let’s go through that pipe!
T MINUS 4 MINUTES
Koops: Where are we?!
X-Nauts: ATTACK- ARK!
The X-Nauts die.
T MINUS 2.00000000000000000000001 MINUTES
Goombella: Wha?!
Mario: No time! Gotta run!
T MINUS 1.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001-20579-203958721-083475-258374103984750139875 MINUTES
Koops: We made it!
Crump: Now to escape… Wait! My pie!
Mario: Ha! I stole your pie!
Crump: Rrrg. I’d better stop this timer first.
Peep!
Crump: Oops, wrong button.
Peep! Peep! Peep! BOOOOOJMMMEDSYUKUWN$BTNLIWNY!
Crump: There we go!
The timer is stopped at… um… .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000534y94587394857394873 seconds.
Goombella: That was a close one!
Crump: Now witness full fury! MAGNUS VON GRAPPLE!
Crump hops into the cockpit of a giant robot.
Koops: Now that’s cheap!
Crump: No way! This was a marvel of technology!
Mario: No, it’s junk.
Crump: YOU… DARE… INSULT… MAGNUS?!
Magnus: *vree* Opponents detected. Now initializing enemy destruction program A: Foot.
WHAM!
Goombella: Owww…
Goombella faints.
Magnus: Enter command.
Crump: Okay! Here we go!
Typety-typety-type!
Magnus: Huge_blast.atk selected.
VREEEEE… KAPOW!
Koops: Looks like I’m out, too…
Koops pretends to faint, but runs to the break room.
Crump: Now, to finish things off…
Typety!
Magnus: I am sorry. Instant_death.atk not installed.
Crump: Wha! I’m sure that I installed it!
Mario: Heeheehee. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Crump: How about this?
Magnus: Zeeky_boogy_doog.hbm does not-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
Mario: Ouch.
Crump: Wha?! He still has 1 HP?! Grrrrr…
Magnus: Rocket_arms.atk selected.
Magnus’s arms come out. Guided missles appear on the arms. Lasers appear on the missiles.
Crump: FIRE!
Paranoid Dude: AAAAAAAH! WHERE’S THE SAND?!
FWOOOSH! FWOOOSH!
At that moment, in his doomship’s junk pile…
Ludwig: Ahh, it’s good to see my old inventions again! The Zeeky Bomb… Mr. Big Shoe… Ketchup Gas… Hey, what’s this?
Ludwig holds up a controller labeled “Magnus Rocket Arm” and fiddles around with it.
Ludwig: Hm. Doesn’t seem to do anything. Oh well.
Back to Crump...
Crump: Buh huh huh-WHA?!
The rocket arms start aiming at Magnus. Lord Crump suddenly has a flashback of giving a Rocket Arm controller to Ludwig.
Crump: Oh crud.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM? Yeah, BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Crump: I’m blasting off againnnnnnnn… *twink*
Mario takes out two Life Shrooms from his pocket and feeds them to Goombella and Koops.
Goombella: Mmm. Minty.
Mario: So where’s that Crystal Star?
Koops: Uh… I think Crumpet had it in his pointy hat.
50 miles into the atmosphere…
Crump: Ha! At least I still have this green Crystal Star- Whoops!
The Crystal Star flies out of his hands.
Goombella: Now we’ll never-
BONK!
Goombella: OW! Hey, this is the Crystal Star!
Koops: Hey, it… IS! WE GOT IT! YIPPEE!
Goombella: WOOHOOHOO!
Mario: YEAH! MARIO’S-A GOT IT!!!
END OF CHAPTER. BUT IT ISN’T REALLY THE END OF THE CHAPTER. AHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!
Meanwhile, in the X-Naut base...
Grodus: Hmmm. Crump should be flying onto the floor through the roof, without the Crystal Star, right…
WHAM!
Crump: I’m sorry, sir, I couldn’t retrieve the Crystal Star.
Grodus: Yes! I win the bet!
Yux: Aw man.
Meanwhile…
Peach: I’m bored. I think I’ll watch some TV!
Fawful: I HAVE FURY! I HAVE-
VREE!
Peach: Oh well.
In TEC’s room…
Peach: Hi, TEC.
TEC: Hello, Peach. Will you dance with me?
Peach: Um, sure. But I think you’re a little… um… heavy for me to dance with…
TEC: Here, try this.
For the next hour, Peach dances with a hologram of *insert name of most romantic villain you can think of*.
Meanwhile…
Larry: I’m glad King Dad assigned me to get the Crystal Star in Petal Meadows. I like it here- WHA?!
Sign: I’m sorry, Mario has already taken the Diamond Star.
-Hooktail
Larry: GRRRRRR!!!
Larry stomps through Hooktail’s Castle, smashing everything. He eventually reaches the well.
Larry: Huh? How’d I get to this well…?
Hohoroos: PLEASE… RESCUE… MEEEE…
Larry: Say, Ho Hos!
30 snackful minutes later…
Larry: Mmm. Ho Hos.
Larry: Uh oh…
Maguskoopa: That’s strange. Susan is still in Joke’s End!
Larry: Then who…
Flurrie: Mmwah!
Larry: AAAAAAAH-
VWRRRRR!
Larry: Thank you again, author with that cool wind tunnel. What can I ever do to repay you?
Maguskoopa: How about four Frost Piranha seedlings for my front lawn?
Larry: You got it!