Chapter 3: Cameos in the City of Glitzville! RUN!
LAST TIME, ON THIS STUPID FUN FICTION…
Frankly: Ho to Boggly Woods.
Punio: AAAAHH!
Goombella: Let’s not go to Flurrie’s house.
Lord Crump: Now, Magnus, kill them!
BOOM!
Crump: I’m blasting off againnnnn… *twink*
Mario: Yay! I have the Crystal Star!
Mario, Koops, and Goombella have just left Boggly Woods, and are talking in the Rogueport Inn.
Goombella: That was probably the easiest quest ever.
Mario: No, the easiest quest will come later, if we do the right things.
Koops: Especially prophetic today, aren’t you?
Mario: We will see.
Goombella: He means yes.
Mario: I DID NOT MEAN YES!
Koops: Oh, now he isn’t prophetic. Good job, Goombella.
Mario: –.–
Suddenly…
Everyone: AAAAAAAH!
Wallace (you know, from Wallace and Gromit) crashes through the inn window.
Wallace: Good show, Gromit! We have to get ready for Glitzville!
He leaps back through the window.
Goombella: Okay, that’s our cue to go down to the 999-Year Window.
Koops: WHAT?! I am NOT going all the way back down through another agonizing mini-quest just to get another thing painted on the map! Most likely we’ll end up in a whole NEW part of- MMF!
A Ninji jumps through the window and slaps duct tape on Koops’ mouth.
Ninji: HahahaBOINGIgotyouMortonDOINGBOINGhahahaSPROING.
Mario: Who are you?
Ninji: MyBOUNCEnamedoesnotBOINGmatterIneedtokillGLOINGMorton.
Koops takes the tape off of his mouth and kicks the Ninji… through the window again.
Meanwhile, at the gate to Rogueport’s west side…
Zess T: I’m not moving from this spot 'til Mario and Goombella get me another contact lens.
She stands there, rock-still, while Gromit and several chickens go flying into the badge shop.
Zess T: Still not movin’.
Mega Man starts shooting the noose in the middle of town.
Zess T: Still not mov- WHAZZA!
Ninji: AAAAAAAAAAAABOINGAAAAAAAAAA!
WHAMMO!
Zess T: Aaaaaaaarrrrggghhh… *twink*
Meanwhile, Mario and Co. have snuck into the sewers.
Koops: I’m still sticking to my beliefs. I am NOT going back there.
Mario: What about the Maple-Cream-Jelly-Sugar Crumpets in the break room?
Crump (offstage): HEY, STOP- ohhh, it’s only donuts. *double take* DONUTS!
Goombella: Well, Koops, I guess I have no choice.
Koops: You have to drag me to the altar?
Goombella: No, I have to set up this hovercraft with laser guns and five Nintendo DSs.
Mario: I never knew you had a folding hovercraft.
Goombella: It’s in my hat.
Goombella sets up the hovercraft and they fly to… THE 999-YEAR WINDOW! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
Mario: Hey, I’ve got an idea! How about I put the map on this potato and throw it onto the altar? Then, once it has the secret powers, I can turn it into French fries and we can all eat it, gaining the power!
Koops: Hey, good idea.
Mario puts the map on the potato and throws it onto the altar. Unfortunately, it gets chopped in half for no apparent reason. The map is still in one piece.
Goombella: Aw, that’s no fun.
Meanwhile...
Random Kid: Gee, Wario Ware: Touched is really fun! I even get to slice potatoes in half!
Koops: Well…
Mario: Grrr...
Mario jumps onto the altar. Cool special effects, blah blah blah, and Mario gets a super-cheap bomb throwing power. Then a gold-covered Crystal Star appears on the map… in the sky.
Goombella: Now a huge floating city will cover it.
A huge floating city covers the Star.
Goombella: All right! Pay up!
Card RPG Dude: Oh, fine.
He gives Goombella a card.
Goombella: All right! Fatty Tuna!
Everyone returns to Professor Frankly except the Card RPG Dude.
Frankly: Hmm. AH! I’VE GOT IT!
Goombella: You like hot dogs?
Frankly: Yes. Buy Hoggle’s Hot Dogs®! But back to the subject. The Crystal Star is located in Glitzville.
Koops: You mean the flying city that is famous for the Glitz Pit, the famous gladitorial ring?
Frankly: I thought it was home to the main shop of Hoggle’s®.
Mario: *flips through book* It’s both. But how do we get there?
Goombella: According to the Internet guide, we need to get a blimp ticket from Don Pianta, the head of the Pianta Syndicate.
Koops: All right. To the Pianta Syndicate!
Mario and Co. simply stroll through the gate to the west side, use a battering ram to decimate the shop, and go up to Don Pianta.
Don Pianta: Are youse the ones who trashed my shop?
Koops: What do you mean by shop?
Don Pianta: I mean the Sleepy Sheep shop.
Mario: I don’ know no Sleepy Sheep shop.
Don Pianta: Then what you jus’ smoosh?
Goombella: The Super Shroom shop.
Don Pianta: That’s what I meant, the Super Shroom shop.
Koops: Will you pleeeeeease give us tickets to Glitzville?
Don Pianta. No.
Mario: WHAT?!
Don Pianta: Yo, Chuck!
Chuck: I’M A CHUCKSTER!!
Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOT A CHUCKSTER!
The sheer number of As destroys West Rogueport entirely and kills everyone in it, except for Mario and Co, before Chuck can chuck Mario.
Goombella: Mario… I guess we’ll just have to use the inflatable luxury jet in my hat.
An hour later…
Mario: *wheeze* *pant* *gasp*
Goombella: Finally, it’s inflated!
Koops: Cool. But how is the engine powered?
Goombella: D'oh!
Another hour later…
Mario: Okay, that’s the last Cleft and Podoboo in the engine. Having it geothermally-powered is a good idea.
Mario slams the engine door shut, and they take off toward Glitzville.
Half an hour later…
Koops: Hey! We’re right over Glitz- eep.
Tons of balloons pummel the ship, sending it flying into the Juice Bar in Glitzville. Mario and Co. jump out right as the ship hits a large *insert sharp object* outside the Juice Bar.
Mario: Aaaugh! Who would have thought that would’ve happened? Now we don’t have a way back.
Goombella: I’m sure we’ll find a way. But first, let’s go to the Glitz Pit.
In the Glitz Pit lobby…
Mario: Wow. It’s hard to believe that this is all on an airship.
Koops: Hey, let’s go in there.
They go there.
Mario: Hey, look! It’s a Koopatrol versus some big guy with a beak.
The big guy with a beak (IT’S RAWK HAWK, YOU IDIOT!) defeats the Koopatrol easily.
Rawk Hawk: That was way too easy. I guess there just aren’t any good fighters around anymore. FEEL THE RAWWWWK!
Rawk Hawk holds up a belt with (you guessed it) a Crystal Star on it.
Goombella: I guess we need to join the Glitz League to win that thing.
Koops: A-yup.
In the Glitz Pit lobby…
Mario: Hey, security! Where do I sign up?
Security: In Grubba’s office. Just down the hall.
Goombella: Hmm. Those guys aren’t much for speaking, are they?
In Grubba’s office…
Grubba: Hey, guys! I was expectin’ you.
Koops: And how was that, Grubba?
Grubba: That’s the Invinci… umm… sorry ‘bout that. Tubba Blubba was my lil’ bro. Anyways, ya wanna sign up? Jus’ sign this here contract.
Mario signs the contract that (miracle of miracles) contains no fine print or loopholes.
Grubba: Jolene here will show you ‘round. Oh, and you’re now the Great Gonzales.
Jolene, a pink-capped Mushroomer, comes out of the shadows.
Mario: Yeep!
Jolene: Please come with me.
While touring the minor and major league locker rooms, Jolene starts talking.
Jolene: Normally, we’d start you out in 20th place, but since Grubba got an Emailed threat from the author telling him that he needed to give you a boost in rank or he’d turn the entire Glitz Pit into a viking kitten, you get to be in 12th place.
Mario: Woooohoooooooo!
He starts dancing.
Jolene: And that ends our tour. Just use the peripheral that looks suspiciously like a GBA to start battling. Goodbye!
Jolene pushes Mario and Co. into the minor league locker room.
Goombella: Hey, Mario, I just remembered something. There were a whole lot of cameos a few pages ago. Is that a hint that…
Koops: WHAT THE… LOOK AT THIS ROSTER!
The roster says… (Note: This is only champ through 12th place)
Champ: Rawk Hawk
1: The Koopinator
2: Mega Man
3: Zeeky H. Bomb
4: Ninja Kong
5: Luigi
6: Every ghost possible from Shaman
King
7: Halo Guy
8: Resident Evil 4 Chainsaw Guy
9: Wallace and Gromit
10: The Armored Harriers
11: Agumon
12: The Great Gonzales
Goombella: Resident… Evil… 4… Chainsaw… Guy.
Mario: Gack! That’s a lot of cameos! Even Luigi is on the list!
Koops: We’ve gotta defeat all of these people?!
Jolene: YES, YOU IDIOTS!!!
Mario: Okay, okay, okay! Don’t be so touchy!
Mario registers for a fight on the GBA.
(Note: It’s too hard writing Grubba’s lingo, so I’m just going to use his sayings, like “dirt nap”. D'OH!)
Grubba: Hey, Gonzales! Glad to see you registering! Well, your first fight is against… Agumon! But, to increase profits, I don’t want you to use any random attacks. Bye!
Five minutes later, in the Glitz Pit…
Grubba: Welcome to the Glitz Pit! Our contestants today are… THE GREAAAT GONZALEEEEES! And… AAAAAAAGUMOOOON!
Koops: Heh. This should be funny.
Agumon: Prepare to feel my power!
Grubba: So, let’s get ready to… BAAAAAATLE!
Agumon: Digivolve!
Agumon digivolves to Greymon, then Metalgreymon, then something even stronger than that.
Goombella: AAAAAIEEEEE!!!
Then Agumon goes back.
Agumon: Uhhh… too hungry… should’ve eaten a Hoggle’s® hot dog…
Mario: I think I’ll jump on you.
Mario wins.
Grubba: The Great Gonzales WINS!
Crowd: WOOOHOOOOOOO!
Later, outside the Glitz Pit…
Goombella: Hey, that was pretty fun! I think we deserve a hot dog!
Koops: Hot diggety dog!
Mario: Hot digg-
WHAM!
Mario: Pain…
Hoggle: Come back here, you eggy bandit!
Hoggle chases an egg all over Glitzville.
Koops: Ya know, in the original Paper Mario spoof, a lot of people die.
Goombella: You’re right.
Koops kills Hoggle, makes him into bacon, and feeds the bacon to the Chain Chomp in Goombella’s Hat of Holding.
Mario: Hat of Holding?
Then the Chain Chomp lets out a massive burp, which makes a shockwave causing the egg to land right next to Koops. Then the Chain Chomp jumps off Glitzville because that’s what was in his contract. D'OH!!!
Egg: Hi, guys!
Mario: Uh, hi. Who are you?
Egg: I’m an egg. I wanted to see the action in Glitzville, so I shipped myself in a box. But then that meanie Hoggle wanted to cook me, so I ran away. Can I join you? I’ll… uh… guard the donuts in the break room for you?
Goombella: You’re in.
The egg joins the par- WAIT A MINUTE! THE EGG DOESN’T JOIN THE PARTY UNTIL YOU LOSE TO THE ARMORED HARRIERS! D'OH!
Koops: You mean we have to lose to them?
Maguskoopa: YES!!!
Mario: Okay, Egg. Come along with us, and join our party later.
Egg: Okey dokey!
Later, after Mario has registered and is at the Glitz Pit…
Grubba: Today, we have... THE GREAAAAT GOOOONZALEEES!
Mario: I forfeit.
Grubba: YOU QUIT?!
Mario: No, I automatically lose by choice.
The Armored Harriers come onstage, and everyone sees that they are big nasty Iron Clefts. Clefts? MUST KILL!
BINK BAM BOOOM BASSA BOOOOOOMM!!!
Maguskoopa: The pain… I can’t believe they beat the author.
Later, in the locker room…
Koops: How are we ever going to get into the major league with them in tenth place? More importantly, how did the other nine beat them?
Voice: I can help.
Goombella: Is that you, Egg?
A baby Yoshi steps out of the shadows.
Yoshi: Yup, except I hatched. We can destroy the Harriers with my tongue, because the only thing that pierces their defenses is themselves.
Mario: Wow, you’re smart. What’s your name?
Yoshi: Well, Goombella just named me Egg…
Koops: D'OH!!!
Yoshi: But I don’t care. Gonzales, think up of a good name for me!
Mario: Okay, I’ll name you… um… uh… I GOT IT!!!
Yoshi: What? What? What??
Mario: You are now… Doopliss!
Doopliss: Okay.
Everyone starts to register.
Grubba: Now’s your rematch against the Armored Harriers. All you have to do is… don’t use FP!
At the Pit...
Armored Harriers: Ready for a rematch, wimps?
Koops: And able!
Doopliss: Uh, Mario…
Mario: What?
Doopliss: Using my tongue requires FP.
All of Mario’s Party: D'OOOOOOOOH!!!
Armored Cleft 1: Time to DIE, foolish mort- Huh?!
Kirby: Poyo!
Armored Harriers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOOOOOO! *shoomp*
Kirby turns into Iron Kirby.
Mario: Yay! We won!
Kirby: POYO!
Kirby inhales the viewscreen and becomes Viewscreen Kirby.
Kirby: Poyo poy!
Goombella: RUUUUUUUNNNN!!!
So they run. In the Major League locker room…
Koops: Oh man that was close. I sure thought Kirby would kill us all.
Mario: Now, let’s go register.
At the battle...
Grubba: Today’s match is between the Great Gonzales and Wallace and Gromit!
BATTLE BEGIN
Wallace: Holy Hand Grenade attack!
Mario kicks the Holy Hand Grenade out of the building.
Mario: What about it?
A red-bean bun laced with tranquilizer is thrown at a random Toad, who faints and falls on Doopliss. Doopliss then takes the Toad’s cap and ruins the stock market by selling all of his shares in Dancing Chicken Co. (DCC).
Gromit: ?
Maguskoopa: No, that didn’t have anything to do with the battle.
Gromit: !!!
POW POW POWWW!!! PRISONER OF WAR!
Wallace is thrown into a vat of Blue Fireball Extract and is hardened (he’s made of clay).
Gromit: XoX!
Gromit dies instantly for no reason.
Koops: Yay! We won for no reason!
Goombella: Don’t be silly! There is a reason…
Mario: What’s that?
Goombella: Gromit died for no reason.
In the locker room…
Email System: New mail! New mail! *plays Ice Land theme*
Mario: Uh oh, it’s the Ice Land theme.
Mail: Go TO The JUIce BAR. –X
Doopliss: All right! Let’s go!
At the JB…
Bar owner that looks suspiciously like a bean: Mario! Catch!
BOTLSLAB throws a Super Hammer in Mario’s face.
BOTLSLAB: Bye.
Mario: Insolence!!
Everyone gangs up on BOTLSLAB and kills him and feeds him to a potato. It doesn’t matter, though, ‘cause BOTLSLAB IS a bean.
Goombella: Hey, Mario, you got a hammer. And it’s silver. Oooh, pretty pretty.
At the next battle...
Grubba: Today’s match is between The Great Gonzales and the Resident Evil 4 Chainsaw Guy!
RE4CG: RRRRRAAAARRRR!
RRRRIIPP!
Everyone except for the Chainsaw Salesman: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Chainsaw Salesman: Yay! My biggest customer!
RE4CG: Prepare to meet your DOOM!
Koops: WAIT! I have a question.
RE4CG: Make it fast.
Koops: Why do all scary guys with chainsaws have masks or flour sacks over their heads?
RE4CG: Oh, that’s part of the dress code for the Maniacal Killer’s Club. NOW DIE!
Goombella: *whoosh* I didn’t *duck* even know *hop* there was a Maniacal Killer’s Club.
RRRI…PPP…PPPOONNGG TONGG!
RE4CG: That does NOT sound good…
RE4CG’s chainsaw explodes. RE4CG is blasted into the floor of the arena.
Doopliss: Um… yay?
In the locker room…
Mail System: New mail! New mail!! *plays Ice Land theme*
Mail: Go TO the MinOR lEaGUE RoOM AnD SmAsH ThE BLOCk.
Outside the Minor League room…
Koops: I think that we need to throw a grenade in there.
Mario: Why?
Koops: We’re supposed to smash the block. Incinerating it will be even better!
Mario: I wish I’d thought of that. But do you have any grenades?
Koops: Uh… no.
Cue animé faints.
Goombella: Then why did you want to throw a grenade in there?
Suddenly…
Mario: Gasp.
Mario’s Partners: GASP!
Random Guy: GASP!
Grubba: GASP!
GASP!
The Holy Hand Grenade that Wallace used rolls into the locker room.
BADABADABLOOOOOOOOM!
Doopliss: The burning pain…
At the next battle…
Mario: AAAAAUUGHH! NO MORE BATTLES! I’M SICK OF IT!
A pungee pit opens and kills every competitor except for Rawk Hawk. They are all deleted and brought back to life by the Great God of Tragic Videogames who is Really Annoyed at Everyone who Writes a Funny Story.
Goombella: What’s a pungee pit?
The Email system plays the Ice Land Theme.
Mario: *twitch* DIE!
Mario takes the Email system and blasts it into oblivion with his handy Eclipse Cannon keychain.
Koops: That was smart.
Mario: Thanks!
Doopliss: He was being sarcastic.
Mario then goes into the locked storage room by using the Keychain of Doom.
Goombella: Why did you do that?
Mario: I have no… idea…
Then he goes upstairs, smashing a huge block to discover…
RE4CG: Power… is… drained…
Doopliss: AAAAAAAGH!
Koops: Who could do such a horrible thing?!
Voice: I CAN!
Mario: Oh no! It’s Rawk Hawk!
Goombella: And we still haven’t healed from our last fight!
Rawk Hawk: Heh. This is too easy. I’ll make sure that you lose this league! FEEEL THE RAAAAAAWK!
Rawk Hawk kicks Mario into the break room, where I’m sitting. D'OH!
Doopliss: Time to go down!
Rawk Hawk: Not yet! TABLE ATTACK!
Rawk Hawk throws the table… with… my… lunch…
Maguskoopa: OH NOW YOU’RE GONNA PAY!! KA…ME…HA…MEE…
Boo: BOO!
Maguskoopa: AAAAAH!
The beam goes backwards, but since it’s only made out of light, no damage is done–except it hits a boom car, causing a 150-decibel blast that incinerates Rawk Hawk’s all-cotton Crystal Star. D'OH!
Goombella: Wait. If the Star was made out of cotton… then where’s the real one?
Maguskoopa: Uh… check the stage of the battle arena.
Mario: Whatever.
They go to the stage of the battle arena.
Grubba: So, you came.
Doopliss: Huh? Grubba?
Grubba: Yep. It’s time to take a li’l dirt nap! ACTIVATE SOUL MACHINE!
A large machine rises up out of the floor, and you can barely see fighters in the machine. A Crystal Star is on top of the machine.
Koops: Uh-oooooh…
Grubba: Hehehe… MmmaaaaaAAAAACCCCHOOOO!!! GRRRUUBBBAAA!!!
Grubba swells to a huge size, turns orange, and puts on sunglasses.
Grubba: Ah, yes. Now I will…
Mario: Destroy us?
Grubba: SING! MACHO MACHO… uh… um… I don’t know what I am.
Goombella: Time to use Fatty Tuna!
Grubba: AAAAAAAH! NOT THE DREADED FATTY TUNA! SELF-DESTRUCT! SELF-DESTRUCT!!!
Grubba blows up, to reveal Bowser.
Bowser: Uh… ohhh…
Mario: KA…ME…HA…ME…
Apprentice: Poke poke poke!
Mario: AAAAAAAAAH!
The beam goes backwards again, but reflects off of the wall, hits the viewscreen, incinerates a mime, incinerates another mime, and blows up the machine. The Crystal Star lands on the stage.
Bowser: It… is… MIIIIINE!
Mario: I’ll get it!
Mario runs speedily towards the Crystal Star.
Bowser: NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI!!!
Mario: OH THE PAIN!
Bowser grabs the Crystal Star and runs away.
Director: What… the… Mario lost?
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In the Clown Copter…
Bowser: WAHAHAAA! BOWSER’S GOT IT!
THE END OF THIS CHAPTER. NOW LET’S DO THE REST.
In the X-Naut Base…
Peach: Boy, I’m bored.
Vree!
Peach: Oh! It must be TEC!
In the computer room…
TEC: I want you to talk to Grodus.
Peach: How do I do this?
TEC: Control an X-Naut using this Porta-Metroid.
Later…
X-Naut PhD: Mother… Peach... is my master.
Later...
Grodus: Hey, Jove! Nice hairstyle!
Jove (the X-Naut PhD): This… is… not… a… hairstyle.
Grodus: Oh, right. It must be a hat.
Jove: Yes… it… is. Bye.
Later…
Peach: *sigh*
Cut to Glitzville. Roy is looking around the Glitz Pit.
Roy: Hey! Where’s the…
Roy’s PDA beeps.
Roy: Huh?
Bowser (over PDA): I already have the Star here.
Roy: Oh. Well, I’ll still beat everyone up.
Larry: Uh ohhhh…
Susan: Oh, Larry!
Larry: Please help me, Author!
A bomb appears in Larry’s hand.
Larry: Huh?
Bomb: Zeeky Boogy Doog.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Larry: Better than *cough* nothing, I guess…
Maguskoopa: XD