Chapter 7: The Great Zamboni... REVEALED!
LAST TIME, ON THIS STUPID FF...
Frankly: The Crystal Star is in Poshley Heights.
Smorg dies.
Cut to the smashed Crystal Star in Doopliss' hands.
Mario: NOOOOOO!!! NOBODY GOT THE CRYSTAL STAR!!!
At the 999-Year Window...
Doopliss: I don't see why you want to put this pile of sparkly orange dust on the altar.
Mario: You never know what will happen here.
Doopliss places the dust on the altar. The orange powder is surrounded with a glowing light. The effects happen again, wasting my last bit of budget for special effects, and Mario gets a useful-though-cheap instant kill power. A pearly Crystal Star appears on the map, on the moon, and a base covers it.
Mario: Told ya.
The party returns to Frankly's house.
Frankly: Ahh... The most redundant name of them all, the Crystal Crystal Star. It's located in the X-Naut base, but you'll need to go to some post in frozen wastelands, get in a cannon, and fire yourselves at the moon. Then you need to kill Clefts, and yadda yadda yadda.
Goombella: Um... Okay. But where do we find that post?
Frankly presses a button, and the party falls down a trapdoor. They are then ejected into a frozen wasteland. Hundreds of Piranha Plants and Ice Puffs attack, and the party is frozen solid.
Vivian: Mffmffmffff! MFFF!!!
FWOOSH! The Fiery Jinx attack melts the ice and all of the enemies.
Koops: All in favor of making Vivian MVP (Most Valuable Partner), say "aye".
Everyone: AYE!
Mr. I: ARG! They found me!
After fighting off the nasty water enemies (keep in mind they were melted) for several hours, the party finally reaches Some Outpost. Mario immediately talks to the nearest person, who happens to be a Bob-omb.
Mario: Wasn't this town called something else?
Bob-omb: Remember when Cortez had the lawsuit form?
Mario: Oh, right. Um... So how do we get to the moon from here?
Bob-omb: Well, all you have to do is get into a giant cannon and get fired to the moon, but first you need to get the plans from General Goldbob and the directions for the loading from General Silver.
Koops: What if we just do something else?
Bob-omb: What would that be?
Vivian: EMBER!
FOOSH! KABOOM!
Other Bob-omb: HEY! YOU TRAITORS! GET THEM!!!
Hordes of Bob-ombs immediately swarm the party, which barely manages to escape.
Mario: Great. Now how are we supposed to get to the moon?
General Silver: NOW!
The ground opens up, and Mario and the party fall into a giant cannon.
General Silver: LOAD THE CANNON!!!
Thousands of Bob-ombs hop into the cannon.
General Silver: FIRE!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!
The party is rocketed towards the moon, but lands on the side opposite the X-Naut fortress.
Mario: Ow.
Goombella: OH NO! There's no oxygen on the moon! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Doopliss: Um... Goombella... We're made of paper. We don't need oxygen. Or air.
Goombella: Aheheheh... I knew that.
The party starts walking towards the X-Naut fortress... very... sllooowwwwwwwlllyyyyy. And they're attacked by Moon Clefts.
Koops: I thought we'd seen the last of them!
Moon Cleft: GRACK!
Maguskoopa: Argh! MUST KILL CLEFT!
The Cleft falls into the center of the earth, er, moon, and is melted.
Vivian: I guess we can continue.
The party continues, battling Moon Clefts until they reach a large, futuristic-looking base.
Mario: The X-Naut base!
Goombella: No, this is the W-Naut base.
And it is.
Koops: That's odd.
The party ventures onwards to another base.
Mario: Ah, this one must be the X-Naut base.
It's the Y-Naut base.
Doopliss: Why?
Y-Naut?
Mario: AARRRGHH! Where's the stupid X-Naut base?!
A trapdoor opens, and the party falls into the X-Naut base.
Doopliss: Convenient.
Vivian: The elevator's broken, so let's just go into that door.
Inside the door is a bunch of electric panels. There is a path outlined in them. At the other end of the room is a keycard.
Mario: Hmmmm...
A random X-Naut is thrown onto a tile, where he's shocked and toasted crispy.
Nibbles: Mmmm... toasty.
Mario: I guess we need to cross these tiles.
Mario immediately gets shocked.
Mario: I stand corrected.
Goombella: Let's just use this gripper-type hook I have in my Hat of Holding.
The hook grabs the keycard and gives it to Goombella. The key opens up the elevator. On the next floor...
X-Naut PhD: Hey! It's a Yoshi!
The X-Naut PhD throws a potion at Doopliss, who swallows it by mistake.
Doopliss: Ugh... I don't feel so good...
Doopliss changes colors into tye-dye with a jet-black mohawk.
X-Naut PhD: WOO! My Yoshi Color Poshi-un works! Now to show it to the author for a hefty raise.
Maguskoopa: All right! Here, have a paycheck.
Doopliss: Whoa. I look way cool.
Mario: I didn't see the point, but we might as well go into that door on the left.
Inside this door is another electric tile maze thingy.
Mario: Argh! I'm not even going to bother... I'll just go into that door on the right.
Inside that door is a set of three keycard pads. Two are already in their slots, but the other one is empty and is labeled "In electric tile maze thingy room 2".
Vivian: This is getting irritating.
After getting shocked 4,359 times and nearly getting eaten by a Nibbles, Mario finally gets the keycard and opens the door, only to find...
Koops: NOT ANOTHER ONE!
Mario: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!! I THINK I'M INSANE NOW!!!
Suddenly, everything shorts out.
Mario: Okay, I'm fine.
Across the now-shorted out tiles is another door. Inside that one is a big bunch of X-Nauts.
X-Nauts: GET THEM!
Suddenly...
X-Nauts: RUN AWAY!
Doopliss changes back. Hey, wait a...
KABLAM!
Smoking Pile of Ashes Formerly Known as X-Naut PhD: Owie.
Now that the X-Nauts have run away, the party is immediately hoisted onto a conveyor belt, dropped down into a hole, and catapulted onto a large gear.
Vivian: Well, I guess we need to cross these gears.
Gear: NOOOOO!!! DON'T CROSS ME WITHOUT A POTATO!
The gear catapults the party into another electric tile maze. At the end is a potato. Mario is about to step on the final platform when...
Potato: NOOOOOO!!! YOU NEED KETCHUP TO GRAB ME!
Mario: What about mustard?
Potato: NOOOOOO!!! NO WAY!
Koops: Relish?
Potato: NOOOOOOO!!! NOR THAT!
Goombella: Um... sour cream?
Potato: NOOOOOO!!! THAT'S OKAY!!!
Doopliss: Ah HA! This is a latke potato!
A random X-Naut walks by with a container of applesauce.
Doopliss: Say... Applesauce is good on latkes.
Vivian: Hehehe...
Incredibly graphic violence ensues, needless to say the potato is grabbed.
Mario: How did you know that this potato with a speech impediment was a latke potato?
Doopliss: Well, it liked ketchup and sour cream, so it was either a baked potato or a latke. I took a chance.
Back at the gear...
Gear: NOOOOOO!!! NOW YOU CAN CROSS!
The party crosses the gears into the next room, which is Grodus's office. There is a tank of Nibbles on one side.
Koops: We should start looking for a card key to operate that lift we passed.
Oops, I forgot to mention that.
Mario: Hold on, I have a score to settle.
Mario climbs up to the side of the tank, and takes out a taser from his pocket. Needless to say, incredibly graphic violence insues (again), and the tank explodes. Behind the tank is a card key.
Goombella: That was incredibly useful... Maybe TOO useful...
Vivian grabs the key and proceeds to the lift. The party goes in and the lift goes down, only for them to enter... ANOTHER ELECTRIC TILE MAZE! DUN DUN DUN!
Mario: *twitch*
Mario uses his Hookshot and gets to the other side, where there is a door.
Koops: It was shorted out, you know.
Goombella: But what's in the other door?
In the other door is an electric-
Mario: GAH!
Mario freaks out.
Maguskoopa: I WAS going to say electric elevator.
The elevator leads to another gear room, then another, and another, and another, and a potato, and the party FINALLY comes to the last room. The Crystal Star is on a pedastal.
Koops: YE-
Lord Crump runs in the room.
Crump: HAHA! I, Lord Crump, will destroy you morons while Lord Grodus escapes into the Palace of... umm... Donuts?
Doopliss: You do realize that we have a strategy guide.
Crump: D'OH! I'll STILL defeat you though, because I have the ultimate robot! AND the ultimate trap!
Vivian: Nothing can stop us!
Goombella: Great, we're jinxed.
Crump: Watch this!
Lord Crump presses a clichéd big red button on a remote and uses a jetpack to hover two inches from the floor.
Koops: Please. You think hovering a tiny distance in the air will stop us?
Crump: No. Now witness the ULTIMATE TRAP!
The electric tile maze activates and shocks the party.
Party: BLAGIDIBLAGIDIBLAGIDIBLAGGGG!!!
Crazed College Student: WOOOOOO!!! PARTEHH!!!
Suddenly, at the last possible moment...
Lord Crump: Uh oh.
The Great Zamboni bursts through the wall!
Great Zamboni: It is I, the GREAT ZAMBONI!!!
The Great Zamboni, still speaking in the third person, headbonks Lord Crump, causing the switch to explode and the tiles to deactivate. A Nibbles bites Mari... Oops, force of habit.
Mario: OW!
Crump: You may have survived that, but face the fury of my ULTIMATE ROBOT!
Vivian: Bring it on, Lord Crumpet!
Lord Crump: Why you... Taste my fury!
Lord Crump jumps into a huge spider-like tank. If you've seen "Wild Wild West" you know what it looks like.
Lord Crump: HAHAHAHAHHH!!! THIS IS THE NEOTANK!
Suddenly, the people from Advance Wars sue Lord Crump, before returning to battle with the doggy fanbase.
Lord Crump: Fine, fine. I'll just use my backup... MAGNUS GOLD PLATINUM LIMITED EDITION!
Lord Crump jumps into a flashier version of the original Magnus.
Great Zamboni: Hark, have you forgotten about the Great Zambon-
Magnus GPLE: Initailizing Enemy Destruction Program A: Foot.
WHAM! The Great Zamboni is stomped flat, to reveal his secret identity.
Mario: GASP!
Goombella: NO WAY!
Koops: OH MAN! NO WAY!
Doopliss: I FINALLY GOT A SPEAKING ROLE!
Vivian: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
...
...
....
To Be Continued...
Angry Mob: HEY!!!
Maguskoopa: Just kidding, sheesh! Now for some more triple periods for suspense...
...
...
...
It's Goombario.
Goombario: YEAH, IT'S ME! I WAS SICK AND TIRED OF BEING FLATTENED, BEATEN UP, TOSSED DOWN HOLES, AND BEATEN UP AGAIN! SO THE AUTHOR, WITH HIS LOVE FOR THE UNDERDOG, MADE ME... Wait a minute.
Goombario barely dodges a grand piano.
Goombario: Now where was I? Oh yeah! MADE ME A MASKED HERO SO THE AUDIENCE WOULDN'T THROW VARIOUS BLUNT OBJECTS AT ME! NOW WITNESS THE POWER OF THE CRYSTAL CRYSTAL STAR!!!
Goombario picks up the Crystal Crystal Star and casts Supernova. The entire moon shatters into pieces, all the Moon Clefts die, Mario grabs a Super Hammer, Lord Crump is sent spiraling out of the suit to reveal Fawful...
Koops: Wait, Fawful?
Maguskoopa: Yup, watch this cutscene.
FLASHBACK...
Fawful is flung out of Bowser's castle.
Fawful: Control of the mighty Chaos-ness!
FLASH KABOOM!
END FLASHBACK...
Maguskoopa: And the suit had a voice changer.
Koops: Oh.
As I was saying, the party parachutes safe and sound into Rogueport.
Vivian: All right! We did it! Except Goombario still has that Crystal Star.
Mario: Oh well.
Doopliss: Is that in the script?
Doopliss flips through the script.
Doopliss: Wow, it is!
Mario: But now, just for show... NOOOOOOOO! I DIDN'T GET THE CRYSTAL STAR!!!
END OF CHAPTER. LOADING. LOAD... LOADED.
Fawful is flying throught the stratosphere.
Fawful: I will have fury in the next FF! Where I- MMF!
Maguskoopa: No givey away next idea.
Poshley Sanctum...
Ludwig: Peh. Nothing here. I'd better contact Lemmy to meet King Dad over in Rogueport. For now, I'm going to drink Chuckola Cola and eat chocolate.
Maguskoopa: Who put peannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnut
butter
onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
the "nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn*unstick*"
key?
Susan: Now, my Larry, let us be off!
Larry: NO! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS TO YOU, BUT I'LL FIGURE IT OUT!
Larry eats the pill Ludwig gave him last chapter, grows really big, and stomps Susan flat.
Larry: Now to find Roy!