Prologue: Why is it Rogueport if it doesn’t sell makeup?
Scene: Outside Mario’s house. Parakarry comes and drops a letter off in the mailbox.
Mario: Hey, look! A letter!
Luigi: Zzzzz…
Mario: WAKE UP, LUIGI!!
Luigi: BLAGIDIBLAGIDIBLAGIDIBLAG!!!
Mario: Listen to this letter…
Dear Mario and Luigi,
I have found a dusty old map that marks a treasure! Toadsworth said that the treasure’s exact location is under a town in Rougeport! Please come.
Signed, Peach
Mario: IT’S AN ELECTRIC BANANA!
Luigi: Mario, you silly goose, it’s an invitation- BLAGIDI!
Mario: Whatever…
So, Mario sets sail for Rogueport. Along the way, he has sniper practice.
Mario: Ooh, a hot air balloon! 50 points for me!
POW!
Captain Syrup: WAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Mario: Cool! 100 points ‘cause of the sound effect!
Toad Sailor: Mario, we will be landing at Rogueport soon.
Mario: Aww…
Captain Syrup lands on the boat and begins beating up Mario.
Toadsworth: GASP! I must help Mario!
Toadsworth does some kung fu moves that not even he knows he can do. Captain Syrup flies into the water.
Syrup: Pffffft! I’ll be *glub* back! *blub*
The boat sails away. Mario is chloroformed by the captain and wakes up, seeing the town of Rogueport.
Mario: Does this town sell makeup?
Toad Sailor: No.
Mario: Then why is it called Rougeport?
Toad Sailor: It’s Rogueport!
Mario: It’s just a model…
Toad Sailor: *anime sweatdrop*
The boat suddenly crashes into the dock of Rogueport, flipping over and squishing the annoying critic who says Metroid Prime is the greatest game to ever grace this earth. (Bleah!)
Annoying Critic: Ha HA! I write for the New York Times! This game is getting such a bad review, everyone will buy Metroid Prime instead! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAAHHHA!
Mario: NI!
Annoying Critic: AAAARRRRGGHHHHH!
Annoying Critic falls in the water and is promptly eaten by Nibbles, the mechanical piranha.
Mario: Yay, Nibbles!
Suddenly, Mario is confronted by a guy with no apparent mouth, wearing glasses and a pointy hat.
Guy: Hey! Are you Mario? Then I must beat you! NOISY CRICKET!
The guy pulls out a tiny gun and fires at Mario, but is kicked back by the gun’s great force.
Guy: #(*&$(*#&(*$&@(*&$(*@&($*&@(*$&(#*&! I, the great Lord Crump, will not lose! X-NAUTS, ATTACK!
X-Nauts: Yes, Lord Crumpet!
Crump: It’s Crump, not Crumpet!
X-Nauts start pouring into the harbor, completely filling it up. When they let up attacking, they discover…
X-Naut: It’s Annoying Critic!
Annoying Critic: Buy… Metroid… Prime… Hunters… *whump*
Crump: Good enough.
Now, back to Mario, who is standing right under the noose in the middle of Rogueport.
Goombella: Mario, don’t do it!
Goombella tackles Mario, sending him into Zess T.
Zess T: AUGH! You whippersnappers broke my contact lenses!
Zess T. pulls out a Coco-Bomb.
Goombella and Mario: WAAAAAHHAAAAHAAAAAAA!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
Goombella and Mario are propelled into Professor Frankly.
Frankly: I was looking for you, Goombella! Oh, Mario, Peach was kidnapped by a guy with a pointy hat.
Mario: Lord Crumpet!
Crump (offstage): IT’S LORD CRUMP, MORONS!
Frankly: Um. You have to find seven Crystal Stars, blah blah blah, go to the Thousand-Year Door, blah blah blah, hold up map, blahblabaaoerguhiae;oi.
Mario: Um… Where’s the way to the Thousand-Year-Door?
Frankly: Right here!
Professor Frankly inputs a 293482394838573294587029-digit code into a fence surrounding a pipe, which falls away, then he enters a 398274938472523450349857034958730498573209485703487-digit code into the pipe.
Pipe: (metallic voice) Access granted.
Goombella: How do you remember those codes?
Frankly: … Um… I don’t. I just make it up. It’s really fingerprint-sensitive.
Mario: But you don’t have fingers!
Frankly: JUST GET IN THE STUPID PIPE ALREADY!
Mario: Okay, okay, sheesh!
In the sewers…
Mario: Do the hamster dance!
Dee da lee da dee doo da do, di da didi do!!!
Goombas: STOP ALREADY!
Millions of Goombas start attacking.
Mario: AAAGH!
Goombella: Oh yeah? You wanna piece of me? IMMIGRANT’S SONG!
AAAAAAAAAAH-AH!
Goombas: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Mario: (sneaking into a pipe with Professor Frankly) AAAAAAAAAH!
Glue Glue Glue!
In the next level of the sewers...
Voice: AHAHAHAHAHA! You may have defeated my Goomba army, but you won’t stand a chance against… SPINIAS!!!
Spinias: Zzz…
Voice: HEY! WAKE UP!
Spinias: Zzz…
Voice: Fine, proceed to the next level.
In the next level...
Voice: You are near my sanctum… Now face my elite horde! VIKING KITTENS, ATTACK!!!
Viking Kittens: AAAAAAAAAH-AH!
Goombella: Oh no! They’re immune to the Immigrant’s Song! What’ll we do?
Professor Frankly: How about this key I grabbed?
Mario: No! It won’t work! What we need is… BADGERS!!!
Badgers: A bodger bodger bodger bodger…
Viking Kittens: HAHAHAHA!
Badgers: MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!
A huge mushroom squishes the Viking Kittens.
Voice: NO!
In the voice's sanctum...
There is nothing but a chest...
Chest: Help me!
Mario: Okay!
Mario unlocks the chest with the key Frankly picked up.
Voice: HAHAHAAAA! FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS!
Scary music plays.
Chest: Ha! I am really Voice! Now I will curse you into becoming a paper airplane!
FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH!
Mario: Yay... Oops.
Chest: Oh, get out of here!
The chest kicks everyone into another room, where “Awe” music plays. There is a huge window with many paintings and stuff. Yeah.
Frankly: A window?!
Goombella: Hey, what’s this note?
Note: Because the final boss was defeated with a Holy Demonslaying Egg Cosy last time, she is sulking and replaced the door. Now you have to find seven Crystal Stars to open the 999-Year Window. Sorry for the inconveniance!
Then a little foot hops by with a note.
Footnote: Hold up the map on the altar, you morons!
Mario: Okay.
Mario holds the map up on an altar, which glows and uses a bunch of cool special effects. Then a little star made of diamonds appears on the map.
Goombella: Coooool.
Then a huge castle pops up in the same location.
Goombella: Not coooool.
Everyone returns to Frankly’s house via one-way warp (like in Super Mario 64, DS or not).
Frankly: According to this, a Crystal Star is hidden inside a huge castle near Petalburg. You’ll need to take the pipe there.
Mario: Okay.
Mario and Goombella go back underground. This time, Mario notices an airplane pad in front of a large pit.
Mario: Hmm… I know!
Mario takes out a grappling hook and attempts to swing across the gap. It doesn’t work because there is nothing for the hook to grab onto.
Mario: Hmm…
Goombella: AAAAAAUGH! This is so BORING!!!
Goombella takes out a GameCube controller and presses Y.
Mario: YIIIIIIII!!
Rather predictably, Mario turns into a paper airplane and floats across the gap. Goombella rides Mario through another door.
Mario: (now in his normal form) Ooo! Tentacle! Must-smash-NOW!
WHAM!
Voice: Blooooop! Who dares hit my tentacle?!
A Blooper comes out of the water.
Mario: Mommy.
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN…
Figure: Haha!
A Goomba wearing a Tanuki Suit starts bonking the Blooper so fast that both of them lose IQ points. The Blooper dies.
Figure: Never fear! The Great Zamboni will come for you in times of dire need!
Mario: Uh… Isn’t that name copyright?
Great Zamboni: What?! *pulls out PDA* Let’s see… Zimbu, Zarko… Oh, man! You’re right! There is a character in Spyro: Year of the Dragon with the same name! The Great Zamboni will now kill him! Goodbye!
A Sub-Zamboni comes up to the Great Zamboni, and he drives away.
Goombella: Uh… Okay.
Mario: Let’s go into that stone pipe!
Goombella: One-track mind…
After a couple tries across moving platforms, Goombella and Mario reach the pipe. There is a sign.
Goombella: This way to Petalburg and… Hostess Land?
Mario: TWINKIES!
Mario jumps in the pipe.
Goombella: Forget anything I ever said about you having a one-track mind.
Goombella follows Mario.
Did you hate this submission?
Larry: Who put that there?
Susan: Oh, that will keep the author busy while we-
A huge monolith squashes Susan.
Larry: Thank you, author. From the bottom of my heart.