"This is nuts, just nuts!" Bowser groaned as he looked through the old pages of his diaries.
"What kind of nuts? Peanuts, hazelnuts, walnuts, coconuts, or Goomnuts?" Morton asked in his annoying voice.
"Wingnuts, Cracked Nuts, and Darknuts from Zelda: The Wind Breaker! Look here, kids, I've got a problem," the king said and pointed at some text in the diary marked with green color. "Ludwig, do you remember this one? It was a doomship assault, one of those which weren't in the games. We took over some kingdom, I think it was Apple Kingdom, or was it Pear Kingdom? Anyway... and then... er... something happened, like, the king sent out an army of Geckits and we got defeated! Well, everything's fine, or so you may believe, but I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT KINGDOM AGAIN!"
Ludwig shrugged. "What's your problem, Kind Dad? You sure know that there are so many lands in Plit that one could never count them all!"
Bowser nodded and responded, "This is it. I sometimes find maps of certain areas of Plit, but I always fail to discover a map of the whole planet, so I could always know where a country is. They have something like this on Earth... it's called "world map". Just imagine, you look at it and instantly know how far away a town is or how many days it would take to reach a certain castle! YOU JUST KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS! Wouldn't it be absolutely amazing to have such a useful thing? We could develop a superior strategy against the Mario Bros. and finally crush them!"
"Your father has quite a point here, kids," Kamek said. He was sitting in the back of the room and reading a book titled "An Easy 3-Step Way to Faster Plot Development", but he overheard the conversation. "Just look at the Mushroom Kingdom we are always trying to defeat. It is changing its shape constantly! There are no two games where it looks similar! I think we gotta stop this madness and create a MAP TO RULE THEM ALL! I mean, a world map of Plit."
Bowser rose from his throne and ordered, "Kids, I have a mission for you. Together with Kamek and Dazzle, you will travel all the lands of Plit and create a map, which shall be known only as the MAP OF DESTRUCTIVE KNOWLEDGE! You will gather all the information we need to rid our beautiful planet of Mario's ugly mug for all eternity! WUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
***
Dazzle entered Artemendo's house with an angry expression on his face and this Fun Fiction in his hand. "Why, oh why, did you have to put me into such a stupid story?! I'm not even evil in real life!"
Artemendo turned around and let out
an evil chuckle. "You are my cameraman, Dazzle! And that means I have to
put you in all of my Fun Fiction! Even if you must help the Koopas! HNHNHNHNHNHNHN!!!"
After he stopped his rather strange laughter, he looked at his computer.
"Ah! Another scary pizzicato song to torture you and Kooper with!"
Chapter 1: The Wrath of Triple W
Artemendo: I'm sorry, but it's part of my immortality curse thingy deal to provide a senceless quote at the beginning of any chapter. Uh, enjoy.
"Never make jokes about expired milk,
or you'll regret it later." ~Prof. Tshainikoff, "Tshainikoff's Electricity",
by E. Uspensky
"Okay, Lemmy and Iggy, you take Dinosaur Land. It's one of the easier grounds, since we have this four-years-old map. You should just update it. I'm only doing you that favor because I know that Iggy is too weak and couldn't survive a real challenge, and Lemmy has his Land to work on. So, off you go!" Bowser said, showing his two sons the big boat that would take them to Dinosaur Land. "Farewell! Until Monday, then!"
"Yeah, King Dad, we'll sure miss you!" Iggy said sarcastically. Lemmy waved at Bowser silently, his eyes filled with tears. He sniffed. "Hey, Bro, why are you-" began Iggy.
"I think I... have forgotten to log off... My Land can be easily taken over by random people..." Lemmy laughed. "Just kidding! I've blown up the computer to make sure no one can use it while I'm gone! I'm soooooo good! Wait a minute..."
The boat took a loooooong time to reach the destination... circa TWELVE MINUTES! Talk about far away! But as the ship FINALLY arrived, the Koopa "twins" saw a landscape slightly different from what they had expected.
Chocolate Island's port, instead of shining in all colors of tasty brown, was metallic gray and even a bit rusty. The entire island was covered with massive metallic plates that had been screwed onto the ground. The houses in the harbor looked empty and deserted. As soon as Lemmy and Iggy jumped onto the earth, the ship departed. "Scary stuff is going on," Lemmy whispered.
Iggy took off his glasses, spat fire on them, and put them back on. "No, it's not a hallucination from playing PM:TTYD five nights in a row..."
The two scared Koopalings walked slowly through the silent streets of the port. Some buildings were destroyed, some were buried under the iron plates. When the duo took a look at the rest of the isle's landscape that opened before them, they noticed a strange silouette above the gray fields. It was the Cyrillic "G" character, obviously a strangely shaped building that looked like that letter. They moved slowly towards the shadow...
***
"Thee them?" an evil voice asked. "Thothe are the Ball Rider and the Goggleth guyth from the royal Koopa family."
"Do you sink sat sey have come to fight about se island?"
"Could be, could be. No matter whether it is their reathon or not, we ought to inform Triple W immediately!"
"Good. You report se situation and I come out to stop sem right now!"
"You know you are not exactly the thtrongetht, Math-th. But, nontheleth, I rely on you. Don't detheive me!"
***
Lemmy and Iggy went across the foggy field when, ALL OF A SUDDEN, Charles Martinet yelled, "It's-a meee, Charles Martinet!"
Lemmy looked into the air, bored. "I saw that coming."
Iggy yawned. "Yup. I agree."
And then, ALL OF A SUDDEN, a yellow Piranha Plant with thick glasses appeared before the travellers. "I bet you didn't see sat coming," it spoke.
Lemmy rubbed his chin and thought for several seconds. "No, I doubt I saw that coming. You win the bet!"
The Piranha Plant laughed in annoyance, like, "Hah-hah-hah. Hah. Hahah." Then it took out a scythe from nowhere and shouted, "I am Math-th, se Great Brain behind all Piranha Plans! I'm smart and you're stupid, and wis sat, I will kill you!"
Lemmy raised his hand. "May I ask a little question before you perform that foolish attempt to beat us? I mean, how are you able to pronounce the nigh-unpronounceable combination of two "th"s in your name, yet you can't master the simple sound of "the" and say "se" instead? I'm confused, really."
The plant stopped and opened its mouth. "Well, er... You see sat... Hey, you're right, I never sought about sis sat way... But sis doesn't matter! I will fight you in se name of my master, Triple W! I shall beat you!" The piece of flora began charging at the brothers with its scythe.
Iggy pulled out a Magikoopa wand from his shell and cast a Make-'Em-Less-Fast spell at the fiendish flower. Math-th got slower and slower until he reached some kind of cheesy slow motion. Iggy shouted, "Use your Freeze Gun to freeze that idiot, Lemmy!"
Lemmy took out his weapon of ultimate negative-degreeing and shot a wave of ice directly towards Math-th. "...", the plant expressed slowly and froze. It looked greenish inside the ice cube.
"Well, this was too easy," Lemmy exclaimed as the pair of Koopas continued their way towards the Russian letter-shaped house in the distance.
"I wonder who that Triple W is, I have the feeling I've seen that name before," Iggy said.
Lemmy added, "Sounds like a freakier freak than that freakish Piranha Plant freak was."
"Freaky," Iggy agreed.
***
Inside the building...
"What? Lemmy "Hip" and Iggy "Hop" Koopa, on the way to MY secret base that I secretly build in the middle of the field?"
"Tho it theemth. We think that they might have come to conquer thith island."
"Oh no! We must stop them! Do you know anything about their plans?"
"Not yet, but I thent out two random perthonth to thpy on them! I'm sure they'll do a great job!"
***
"Errrrrrr... What are we supposed to do, Banjo?"
"Oh, Kazooie, you're always forgetting things! Now that you say it, I don't remember either."
***
Lemmy and Iggy finally got to the building (I think it's time to tell everybody that a Cyrillic "G" looks just like an upside-down Roman "L") and read the sign in front of it:
Headquarters of Triple W Incorporated
Buy Triple W Instant Noodles!
Iggy slapped his forehead. "Now I remember! Queen Mom took me to Goomba-Mart the other day, and there I saw those instant noodles!"
Lemmy also slapped his forehead. Then he laughed and slapped his forehead again. "I like the sound," he explained.
Waluigi (oh PLEASE, as if you wouldn't already know) stood up from his chair and walked towards the window. "Aaaargh! The brats are here already!" he yelled and pressed a big yellow button on a remote that magically appeared in his hand. He listened closely to a far off metallic sound. "Now, puny Koopalings, face the power of the greatest evil imaginable! THE ROBO-PIRANHA!" He laughed an evil laugh until a "PING!" interrupted him. "Oh, my instant noodles are ready to be eaten!"
Lemmy and Iggy (did anyone notice I always put Lemmy first?) (did anyone notice I always put some idiotic comments in?) (did anyone notice the "did anyone notice" thing is getting annoying?) (did anyone notice... OUCH!) Where were I?
Ah yeah, Lemmy and Iggy heard a loud noise of machinery behind them. They turned around quickly and realized that a 10-meter-tall mechanical Piranha Plant was standing behind them. Lemmy let out a silent scream. Iggy agreed by doing the same.
The metallic thing roared in a robotic way and shot some dangerous-looking red laser beams at the two Koopalings. They dodged it (Mario, reading this story: Aww! I thought it would get 'em!) and aimed their, er, "weapons" at the robot's head. After a few useless Pokemon-like "ICE BEAM!" and "LEMMY! I CHOOSE YOU!" screams, the Koopa duo was pretty much out of attacks. As the Piranha charged up for a final blow, a thought appeared in Iggy's mind. First he was quite surprised, for it was a rare thing to occur, but afterwards he understood it and yelled, "Lemmy! We! Teamwork!"
In the VERY moment the mechanic guard shot out its ray of death, the two brothers formed a psychic bond and cried, "ALMIGHTY THINGAMABOB OF ULTIMATE INFERNAL POWERS!!!" Suddenly, the robot vanished in a shower of small black letters. Artemendo found the attack so pathetic that he deleted it out of pity for the two losers.
Lemmy and Iggy gave themselves a high-five (that is, clapped their hands). When they turned to the building, they saw the door open and Waluigi step out. He was followed by two Piranha Plants, one red with braces and another one green with a toolbox. The Koopalings said something like, "Oh no. This is Waluigi. Our archnemesis. We must stop him," and Waluigi replied something like, "Ha ha. You went right into my trap. I have your family. You will surrender."
Then Waluigi introduced his Piranha Plants. "This is Crath-th..."
The red Piranha Plant smiled and commented, "I had a cameo in Artemendo'th firtht Thcribble, An (F)awful Thtory."
"...and this is Lath-th!"
The green one murmured, "Alzo known az ze Plant wiz ze Toolz."
Waluigi continued, "Although we don't know why you are here, and probably it's just because you have to update a map, we will fight you! The winner gets this Chocolate Island I took over a month ago! The metallic plates are just there to make it look like my first island, Waluigi's Island, where I started my Instant Noodles business, known under the name of Triple W: Wicked Willain Waluigi! I know "villain" is spelled wrong!!! Hey, there was a lot of background information in my monologue... Ok, this last battle in the first chapter will have the form of an RPG fight!"
Iggy Koopa: 50/50 HP
Lemmy Koopa: 55/55 HP
Waluigi Wario: 200/200 HP
Crath-th Piranha: 30/30 HP
Lath-th Piranha: 20/20 HP
Iggy Koopa attacks with the Make-'Em-Less-Strong
spell!
All HP are quartered!
Lemmy Koopa attacks with Freezy Flakes!
Lath-th takes 5 damage and is defeated!
Lath-th: Hey! I only had two linez
in zis story! But I will shine in ze next one, Waluigi's Island!
Waluigi Wario attacks with his Instant
Noodles (garlic flavor)!
Lemmy Koopa takes 10 damage!
Crath-th attacks with a bite!
Iggy Koopa takes 8 damage!
Iggy Koopa attacks with the Make-'Em-Less-Annoying
spell!
Crath-th takes 234523354325352 damage
and is defeated!
Crath-th: Talk about overkillth...
Waluigi Wario attacks with Artemendo's
Help!
Iggy Koopa takes 23 damage and is defeated!
Iggy: Artemendo's Help? Those writers
become nastier from day to day!
Lemmy Koopa throws a tantrum!
Waluigi Wario takes an infinite amount
of ear and brain damage and is defeated!
Waluigi: I lost!
Cue sad apologizing music...
Waluigi stood up and cried, "It's all my fault! I thought the world needed more of my Instant Noodles! But I was wrong... I give you Chocolate Island AND this map of it! Come on, fellow Plants, let's search for another island!" With these words, Waluigi and the two flowers disappeared.
Lemmy and Iggy did a little dance and yelled, "END OF CHAPTER!"
Intermission...
BUY TRIPLE W'S INSTANT NOODLES!
Chapter 2: Morton as Luigi
Artemendo: SENSELESS QUOTES GALORE! But I will give you only one.
"Thank you, Link! But our princess is in another castle!" ~Ganon, Zelda: Ocarina of Time Live and Uncut
Morton's story will be in "me" format,
with the "me" thoughts in the brackets.
[Hello. I am Morton. You know I talk much, but I don't think very much, so I think much more less (more less?!) than I talk. My father gave me and my siblings the mission to create a world map of Plit. Everybody except me teamed up in teams of two and went to the respective lands to get maps, but me... I am special. I was given a different order.]
Me: Hey King Dad, what is it, what sort of order awaits me, what special kind of special order will you give to little old special me?
King Dad: Shut up, Morton. Due to internal reasons, no one wanted to come with you, and we had a mission left for the last one. That was you. See? You are nothing special.
[King Dad, you can't lie to me, I know you like me more than your other children.]
Me: NOW WHAT IS IT?
Kammy Koopa, that old hag: Kamek and I, Kammy, will cast a special Make-'Em-Less-Themselves spell on you and Luigi Mario. You will, as you may already have thought, switch souls.
King Dad: As Luigi, just ask and get a map of the Mushroom Kingdom! Then you can scan it into the computer and Email it to us. Afterwards you can switch back again. Simple? Simple.
Me: Wow. Yeah. But I have one question: Why can't our troops just steal a map?
Artemendo: BECAUSE I NEED A STORY TO WRITE! I CAN'T JUST WALTZ UP WITH A STRATEGIC DESCRIPTION ON HOW THE TROOPS STOLE THE MAP! SO I NEED SOME MAIN CHARACTER TO DO THIS! ALONE!!!
Me: Ok, ok. Don't get mad.
[After some preparations...]
Me: I'm ready!
Kammy: Stand back! Five! Four!
Queen Mom: Don't eat too much pasta, dear! It could damage your soul!
Kammy: Three! Two!
King Dad: Being Luigi is difficult, so may the Force be with you!
Kammy: One! MAKE 'EM LESS THEMSELVES!
[I feel something in me... emerging, dismerging, awakening, distorting... SWITCHING!]
Me: Errrrhhh... Where am I?
Mario Mario, that fiendish plumber: Hey Luigi! You look so ill today! Maybe you're ill! And probably we will have to give you some pasta to make you un-ill!
Me: Warrrh! No, Mario! No pasta! I'm not ill!
Mario: Eh. Then more pasta for me.
...
Mario: WHA? YOU DON'T WANNA EAT PASTA?! YOU MUST BE REALLY ILL!!!
[Uh-oh. I'm in trouble gigantico.]
Mario: Never mind. Did you see that
SpongeBob episode today? You know, I love to watch it in German! (singing)
WER WOHNT IN 'NER ANANAS GANZ TIEF
IM MEER? SPONGEBOB SCHWAMMKOPF!
SAUGSTARK UND GELB, UND PORÖS,
UND ZWAR SEHR? SPONGEBOB SCHWAMMKOPF!
WENN DER SINN NACH PAZIFISCHEM BLÖDSINN
EUCH STEHT, SPONGEBOB SCHWAMMKOPF,
DANN SCHWINGT EUCH AN DECK, UND KOMMT
JA NICHT ZU SPÄT! SPONGEBOB SCHWAMMKOPF!
[My DAD, Mario's constantly losing IQ points! The strange thing is that he never had any.]
Me: Yeah. Whatever. Hey Mario, do you know where I can get a map of the Mushroom Kingdom?
Mario: Do I look like I would know anything?
Me: Oh, you're right. Well, I'm off to ask Peach then.
[In the castle...]
Peach: Hey Luigi, take a look at my Brain Test results.
Me: Errrr...
Dear Princess Peach!
With all due respect, we have to inform you that your brain can't be localized. Obviously it had gone lost in the middle of all the pink stuff in your head.
Have a pink day.
Me: Yeah, yeah, I understand. You also don't know anything. No wonder, without a brain. Ok, I'm gonna ask Russ T.
[There...]
Russ T: A map of the Mushroom Kingdom? Hmmmmmm...
[A few hours later...]
Russ T: Hmmmmmmmmmmm...
[Many hours later...]
Russ T: I don't know.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGHHH! Everybody in this kingdom is so stupid that no one knows where you can get a map! Isn't this ridiculous?
[Meanwhile... Hey, did anyone notice that this chapter takes up quite a lot of time for its senselessness? And, by the way, did anyone notice... OUCH!]
Luigi (in MY voice!): Let me free of this child's body! I want to go home!
King Dad: Only when you tell me where the formula is!
Luigi: Wrong movie, moron!
King Dad: Ah yeah!
Luigi: Uh huh!
King Dad: Well then.
[Woah... that was pointless. Back to me...]
Me: My search for the sacred Map of the Mushroom Kingdom shall be continued in the next Morton chapter! See you later!
Mario: I didn't understand a thing you said, but that friendly Kooper guy over there told me to yell the following:
"END OF CHAPTER!"
Kooper: I'm feeling underpaid.
Intermission...
READ ARTEMENDO'S POINTLESS SCRIBBLES
AND IDIOTIC INTERVIEWS!
Chapter 3: Dazzle's Struggles and Lots O' Ads
Artemendo: Another senseless quote for your convenience.
"..." ~The only thing that idiot Isaac
says throughout the whole game of Golden Sun *stabs a voodoo doll of Isaac*
Did you hear his screams of pain? Yeah, "..."!!!
"Test, test? Good. This is cameraman Dazzle Glitterstein, with a live report from Sarasaland and the neighboring countries. Prince Larry Koopa and myself are here to fulfill a special task: getting a map of this kingdom! We are currently in Sarasaland's capital, Daisy Town (the local princess is the only inhabitant), and on the way to the castle to ask her for a map. Larry Koopa, how are you feeling today?"
"Fine, thank you, Dazzle. We are heading for the royal castle of Sarasaland, I believe I can see it already."
"Obviously, for it is the only building here and we stand right before it. Before we enter, I'd like to inform you about Eat At Dazzle's, the new and only Star Bar on Plit! You can pay in all sorts of Stars! And the food and the drinks are even good! So EAT AT EAT AT DAZZLE'S!"
"Yes, Dazzle. We have already entered the huge palace and are searching for the throne room at the moment."
"Maybe we should just follow the big flashing neon signs that read 'Throne room that way, idiots'?"
"Probably. You may have a point here."
"We have just entered the room and we can spot Princess Daisy in the back. Should we call for her, Larry?"
"I think we could give it a try. Princess Daisy! Can you hear us?"
"Yes, I can hear you, stupid reporters! Now come on and ask your questions so I can continue playing SSBM."
"Dazzle, I believe she heard us."
"Larry, you are indeed correct! She heard us!"
"Of course I heard you! Morons! Come on, do your asking thing already before I get angry!"
"Princess Daisy, we are Dazzle Glitterstein and Larry Koopa from the Artemendo News Agency, sponsored by Bowser, King of the Koopas, and Eat At Dazzle's, the only Star Bar on Plit! May we ask you a few questions?"
"YES! NOW ASK ALREADY!"
"Are you sure we can ask you?"
Artemendo: I had to delete this part, it was too brutal.
"Owch... Princess Daisy, what is your opinion on blah blah blah who did you elect blah blah blah favorite color blah blah blah everything unimportant blah blah blah can you give us a map of Sarasaland?"
"My opinion is blah blah blah I elected Wario blah blah blah favorite color is yellow blah blah blah everything unimportant blah blah blah no."
"Why?"
"Because I own the right to do everything I want since I am a princess and you are two annoying pests. Further questions?"
"Yes. What are your first impressions of Eat At Dazzle's, the magnificent Star Bar, only of its kind?"
"It is really stinky. Now go away. I'm fighting a Level 9 Mr. Game & Watch and a Level 8 Pichu with Jigglypuff and it's quite difficult."
***
"Larry, we were thrown out of the castle without obtaining a map."
"What are your recommendations, Dazzle?"
"How about telling our audience that Eat At Dazzle's has a new, special, amazing offer for every customer who collected more than 50 Star Points by purchasing various drinks?"
"I have a better idea. We simply steal the map. I'm a well known thief and spy."
"Very well then, Larry. We temporarily stop this report and will continue tomorrow."
***
"This is cameraman Dazzle Glitterstein, with the continuation of the live report from Sarasaland and its surroundings. Larry Koopa and myself are in an old garage that appeared out of nowhere, preparing for our grand theft. Larry, how are you feeling today?"
"Fine, thank you, Dazzle. I will soon have all the preparations done so we can depart for the map we want to steal from Princess Daisy."
"In the meantime, I will inform you that Eat At Dazzle's has a new store open in the X-Naut Fortress! All you have to do to come there is: travel to Rogueport, go into the sewers, find the pipe that leads to Fahr Outpost, give the Bob-ombs some money to shoot you to the moon, do the moonwalk, and you are there!"
"We are ready, Dazzle. Now we are quietly going off to the castle and trying not to be noticed!"
"Which isn't difficult since the only inhabitant of the town is sleeping inside the castle."
"I believe we have reached the castle walls. Our plan goes as follows: Dazzle will dig a tunnel to come out right below the map. He will take it and throw it out the window since the alarm will start to ring. I will stand outside, catch the map, and run away."
"Larry, I have two questions. First, why don't you do the digging? I thought you were the thief here. Second, why does anyone need a security alarm for a simple map?"
"First, you are the dead meat here, or, to put it in layman's terms, you are worthless, whereas I am a prince. Second, Daisy's paranoid, like you."
"Thank you, Larry, for answering these questions."
"You're welcome."
***
"This is Dazzle again. I'm in a tunnel I'm digging right now, which is located underneath Daisy's castle. The princess is sleeping, so I can dig very loudly. Ah! It seems that I'm finished with the tunnel! I am climbing out... I believe this is Daisy's map vault. Hey Artemendo, it's crazy to have a normal princess like Daisy have a map vault!"
Artemendo: And it's crazy to do the whole chapter as a report JUST FOR FUN, WITHOUT ACTUALLY REPORTING ANYTHING!
"Shut up, Artemendo. As I already said, this has to be the map vault. I can barely see a thing. I will have to use my Gaddlight- by the way, one of the prizes in the Star Points program at Eat At Dazzle's! Here is the map! I am touching it... I take it and throw it out of the window. Surprisingly, no alarm is ringing. I leave the castle the way I came in."
***
"Good job, Larry! Larry actually managed to cut through the alarm wires!"
"Thanks, Dazzle. Now we have the map of Sarasaland."
"END OF CHAPTER! This was cameraman Dazzle Glitterstein, signing off."
Artemendo: This was pointless...
Intermission...
EAT AT EAT AT DAZZLE'S!!!
Chapter 4: Badtime Stories
Artemendo: Quote. Senseless.
"Let's-a gooo!" ~Mario, countless occasions
(sorry, but I couldn't resist the urge to make a non-funny quote)
The Malevolent, Malicious, and Malignant
Adventures of Roy and Ludwig von Koopa!
70 years in the future: Told by Grandpa
Ludwig to his grandchildren Rose and Steve!
"Oh, come on, Grandpa, could you please tell us a story?" Rose asked.
"You know, your stories about old adventures with your siblings are very interesting!" Steve nodded.
"Yeah! I like those, too! And Great-Grandpa Bowser is always so funny in your stories!"
Ludwig slowly put away his book (How To Become and Remain Obese, by Roy Koopa) and sighed. "If you really want to," he said. "I'm reading this book now, and do you know who wrote it? Your Granduncle Roy!" The kids looked confused. "There are so many of them," Rose said.
"The fat one who always gives you tons of sweets! He's bald and wears those pink shades!" Steve laughed.
"Him! Yes, I remember. He's really fat, but he's kinda nice."
The old Koopa ordered his grandchildren to sit down and listen. "You sure didn't know, but your Granduncle Roy wasn't always into being fat and nice! As a young boy, he was quite the meanest Koopaling ever! He always beat up Granduncle Iggy, you know, the one with the thickest glasses of all of us, and there wasn't a fight without him. Yes, good old times... But he was pretty annoying. Of course, not remotely AS annoying as your Granduncle Morton, who's living in the depth of Forever Forest now because no one wanted to listen to him! But that's not the point.
"One day, my father had the idea of making a world map of Plit. Artemendo, that sinister Yoshi interpreter, told me not to tell the readers how the story will end, so they have at least one tiny reason to read this entire stupid tale. Whatever. But I'd like to tell you what I and Roy did. Ah, I can clearly remember this day...
"Bowser, my dad, summoned us to tell us his plan. First we laughed a bit, then we got a few hits from him and shut up. He told us to venture to the Beanbean Kingdom and to win a map in the Border Jumping game. I thought the idea was a bit leaky, since I was pretty, er, unathletic at that time. By the way, this never changed. But I had to go nevertheless. Roy brought his trampoline to practice, and I took a potion-mixing machine with me to create a Make-'Em-Less-Wimpy mixture. And so, we departed."
Steve raised two fingers. "May I ask a question?"
"Sure," Ludwig replied.
"Well, why do the names of all potions/spells/incantations in this story go like Make-'Em-Less-something?"
Ludwig closed his eyes. "I think it was Artemendo's idea. You can send him an Email at artemendorealm@aol.com; he's still alive, must be 664 years old. And I think it is pretty pitiful for a writer to enclose his Email in a story."
Artemendo: Yes, I am 594 years old! Why are you looking? I'm immortal, after all. I love my ancient curse thingy!
Grandpa Ludwig continued. "Where was I? Yeah. The Koopa Kruiser flew towards the Stardust Fields when ALL OF A SUDDEN, Charles Martinet yelled, "Something-a has-a hit the jet-a!" Me and Roy screamed in utter terror as we realized it could only be the FLYING MUSTARD, Cackletta's and Fawful's ultimate battle airship!!! They fired some kind of missiles of purple electricity and green sunlight, and they exploded, leaving the Kruiser falling down to earth rapidly! But then some higher power commanded me and Roy to press the buttons on our parachutes, and in this way, we survived. All the others died. Obviously my father was too greedy and we were the only ones who had parachutes. I'm thankful that at least WE had any. We floated to the ground and landed on two idiots... I'm often thinking about that- why do idiots in Beanbean Kingdom always come in packages of two? Anyway, their names were Cork and Cask, and they wanted to flee from the Chucklehuck Woods to Marrymore, THE PARADISE FOR EVERY BEING WITH A RIDICULOUS ACCENT! Chef Torte had made it an amusement park called "Ze Land For Zose Vho Have An Accent", but that's another story...
"Roy said something about going north, but I ignored his cries and tantrums and went south. I came to the wrong end, whereas Roy meant the right one. I felt the urgent urge to kill him, but... he was my brother. Bowser would have halved my pocket money for that. I just couldn't afford a murder, because I needed that fancy Koopavari violin."
Rose began to cry. "No, no, dear, I was just kidding," Ludwig said with worry. "I have never killed anyone, just severely injured." Steve laughed. "This was no joke," Ludwig whispered so Rose didn't hear. Steve became pale in under one second.
Ludwig laughed. "Your grandpa needs his beauty rest," he said and stood up. Just when he was about to leave the room, he turned around and asked, "How about some pancakes from Grandma Karma while I'm sleeping? I'll see you again soon!"
***
"Ok, where did I stop?" Ludwig asked while putting on his glasses. Steve and Rose showed him their notes. "Oh! I didn't even know you make notes of my stories!" Ludwig said in amazement. "You are really kind, you!"
Steve smiled and thought, "And then I will take all the notes and produce a gigantic storybook which I will market and become instantly rich without actually doing anything!"
Rose smiled and thought, "And then I will blackmail my brother and take all of his money! That way, I will REALLY have to do nothing!"
Ludwig smiled and thought, "Stupid brats. I know of their every plan, but I will laugh at them later! With my Make-'Em-Less-Old potion I can remain alive forever! We've yet to see who'll live longer! WHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Karma used a Mind Transmitting Device, smiled, and thought, "Karma to Smithy, Karma to Smithy... All preparations for operation 'Comeback' are finished..."
Artemendo: But we shouldn't worry, it's just the future! We can alter it anytime! *pulls his hat off, then puts it on again* See? Changed the future.
Ludwig stopped smiling and continued his story yet again. "As Roy and me finally reached the border, we saw a very strange chain of events happening. First, the FLYING MUSTARD bombed the Border House, destroying our hope of finding a map. Second, Fawful jumped out of it and screamed something like: 'FURY, FINKRATS, FURY, FINK-RATS, Heidi, Heidi, in den Bergen bist du zuhaus.' Third, Cackletta jumped out and took a photo of Roy. Then she laughed maniacally and disappeared. Fawful was left for an RPG fight with us. Time for a flashback."
Everything's black and white and a musicbox remix of the Dr. Mario Chill theme (I wonder what that has to do with anything) is playing in the background.
Ludwig von Koopa: 30/50 HP
Roy Koopa: 70/100 HP
Fawful Krankfried Gracowitz (yup, that's
his full name!): L{O/D_% HP
Ludwig attacks with Awful Music!
Fawful takes §N damage!
Ludwig: Oh, super! Having a glitchy
HP display just to make the battle last longer! Dirty tricks!
Roy attacks with Big Punch!
Fawful doesn't take damage!
Roy takes 30 damage!
Roy: Oh, curses! Cackletta stole my
power with that photo! Go get him, Ludwig!
Fawful attacks with Kalinka!
Ludwig takes 15 damage!
Fawful: Myself had been liked of Russian
songings for oldness!
Ludwig attacks with An Unforeseen Super
Power Which He Develops Just For This Fight And Will Lose Again Right Afterwards
And Never Talk About Anymore Later In His Life Except For That One Time
He Tells It To His Grandchildren!
Fawful takes ~@^ damage and is defeated!
Fawful: Here, your map! HEY! I CAN
TALK IN A NORMAL WAY!
"End of flashback," Ludwig said. "It came out later that it wasn't the real Fawful because the real Fawful wouldn't be able to speak normally. But the map he gave us was genuine. Although... this was quite pointless. The only chapter until now that is A BIT interesting is Chapter 1. As for this one... END OF CHAPTER!"
Steve applauded. "Funny story!!! You will tell us another tomorrow, right?"
Intermission...
NEVER TRUST YOUR GRANDPAS, THEY'RE LYING!!!
Chapter Five: Kamek is a n00b
Artemendo: Another senseless quote. Skip it if you want. Skip the whole story if you want. Skip entire Lemmy's Land if you want! Go to a better site! *gets beaten up by Lemmy, dies and stands up again* Of course, if you can find one, which is impossible!
"If you would like to answer the questions,
Email me! I will award 1 vote for 4 correct answers, 2 votes for 7 correct
answers, and, if there is a genius out there, 3 votes for a perfect score.
I will also award a Koopaling vote for a correct answer to the bonus question.
I will respond with the correct answers." ~Now GUESS what this is.
Wendy: Now it's time for a good old script-based chapter! Weehee!
Kamek: Oh please, Your Obeseness, do I really have to go with Wendy?
Bowser: It appears so, because all the others are already gone. But I understand how you're feeling, so I thought about a special plan...
Kamek: What plan?
Bowser: I thought it would be great to have a sorcerer who also is good at operating personal computers and related electronic devices. Wendy has her own Internet phonebooth so she can do it quite well. You have never been to Rogueport, right? So you will take that laptop with you and she will give you instructions from here.
Kamek: Ok... Anything's better than her tantrums...
And so, Kamek's computer adventure started...
Kamek: Well, let's see... SO THIS is the On/Off switch, correct? FINALLY!!! Here we go! Er... BIOS? What's that? Blahblahblah memory check... Ok, the Doors XP operating system is loading... Login? Kamek! Password: iloathebowser! Heh-heh! Got it? Ok... I suppose this is the... *pulls out manual* "Desktop". I guess I'll just click on the Winternet Explorer icon... Ooooh! Fancy snowflake effects! Wait, where's that Instant Noodles, er, I mean, Instant Messaging software? Here, the Dark Land Online (DOL) Instant Messenger (DIM)! Dim is the right word... Pretty gloomy here. Ah! I see a new message!
Wendy: kamek, you idiot! you needed 5 hours to find the on/off switch!!! SUCH A MORON!!! daddy said i must give you directions, right? so here - go 34 steps west, 67 steps north and 12 steps towards the nearest door.
Kamek: done. i am standing right in front of the door.
Wendy: good. now turn around 180 degrees and go 456 steps forward.
Kamek: but then i will fall into the sea!
Wendy: DO WHAT I TOLD YOU! or daddy will toast you, roast you, and frost you!
Kamek: why frost?
Wendy: cause i like frosted donuts! idiot!!! now go!
Kamek: i'm on the seafloor. further instructions, i'm running out of air!
Wendy: ummmmm...
Kamek: haaaaaalp!
Wendy: ok, swim to the surface.
Kamek: I WANNA KILL YOU!
Wendy: DAAAAAAADDY!
Kamek: no! no! i do apologize! SOOOORRY!
Wendy: i didn't really call for him. i just wrote it down so you would freak out. tee-hee!
Kamek: Did anyone notice that the chapters are getting crazier and dumber all the time? And did anyone notice... OUCH!
Wendy: what did you say?
Kamek: don't know, some higher might overcame me...
Wendy: yeah. now go to professor frankly's house.
Kamek: and that would be where?
Wendy: i don't know...
Offline, there were anime effects such as falling and teardrops.
Wendy: go east!
Kamek: went east.
Wendy: see that goomba with glasses? ask him where professor frankly is.
Kamek: he beat me up and told me that i'm an ignoramus and that i am the only being on earth that didn't know that this goomba with glasses was the famous, one and only professor frankly!
Wendy: hahahahaha!
Kamek: did you know?
Wendy: OF COURSE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Kamek: that's not funny...
Wendy: IT IS!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Kamek: that's it! i'm doing this on my own!
Wendy: you can't! daddy will kill you!
Kamek: no he won't! i am his godfather!
Wendy: don't you think there are a little too many movies where somebody kills his godfather to ignore them?
Kamek: i hate everybody!
Wendy: ah yeah?
Wendy: hey!
Wendy: where are you?
Wendy: I think that Kamek has left us... because of ME?! Uh oh... When Daddy gets that, I'm going to suffer... And no tantrums will help... Although, Lemmy managed to defeat Waluigi with tantrums in the first chapter... No! I have to go to Rogueport and reconcile with Kamek! Or I can say bye-bye to my allowance!
***
Kamek: Thanks for the map, Professor. Now I will be going back to Dark Land and... wait a minute... NO! I'm not going back! That naughty Wendy will get in trouble because she treated me wrong!!! Bowser's gonna teach her the lesson she deserves! And no tantrums will help! Although, Lemmy managed to defeat Waluigi with tantrums in the first chapter... BUT WENDY'S GOING TO SUFFER!
Artemendo: Did anyone notice I'm very repetitive? Did anyone notice... OUCH! END OF CHAPTER!
Intermission...
GET THE NEW DARK LAND ONLINE INSTANT MESSENGER 2!!!