Max: Last time... we got the rod. That's basically it.
Bowser Jr: Lame
Chapter 3, Part 1: We don't talk about fight club
After running away from the survivors of the great stump massacre, our team exits the pipe and heads to the Thousand-Year Door, using the wand to remake a Star, which merges with the door.
Yux: You know... when Mario got a Star he got to keep it and get its power.
*Bowser Jr: I thought you figured it out by now. No one likes us.
They head topside and enter the west side of town. They suddenly hear jumping and punching sounds coming from a nearby house. They enter it and find two Koopas playing Super Smash Bros. on a Nintendo 64.
Max: What are you doing?
Koopa 1: We're playing the best game ever!
*Bowser Jr: Want to play something cooler?
Koopa 2: What's better then SSB?
*Bowser Jr pulls out a GameCube and a copy of Super Smash Bros. Melee. The two Koopas run up to him and kiss the floor beneath him.
*Bowser Jr: Come on, Max. You can play too.
Max: Yeah!
Yux: What about me and Shadow?
*Bowser Jr: You don't have arms, and Shadow Mario is still out cold from the explosion last chapter.
Yux: Fine, I'll go and get some of the turkeys in your bag and trade them in for some more Spiny eggs.
Max: They can do that?
Yux: There are a lot of sick people out there.
Koopa 1: On with the game!
A day later three hundred defeats on *Bowser Jr's part later, they leave the house, which is on fire, and meet up with Yux.
Yux: Had fun?
*Bowser Jr: *sniff* No!
Max: Didn't you need to report to Bowser before last night?
*Bowser Jr: DANG!!! You're right!
He jumps into the pipe and heads to Bowser's room.
Bowser: Where were you?
*Bowser Jr: Playing GameCube?
Bowser: You're late. You remember what I said would happen if you were late? YOU WOULD DIE!
Child Protection Agent: Not so fast!
Bowser: Not you again.
CPA: That's right! Bowser, this is your eighth offense! No more warnings! You must now fill out this paperwork and watch this educational video about what it means to be a father!
Bowser: Not education! NOOOOO!!!
Three hours later, Bowser leaves the torture room with a big smile on his face and a smiley sticker on his shell.
Bowser: Son, I respect the fact that you're late and I will punish you in the manner that's most appropriate. Want a cookie?
*Bowser Jr: YOU BROKE MY DAD!!!
CPA: Gotta go.
He jumps out a window.
Bowser: Tell me what happened.
*Bowser Jr: The Punies revolted and destroyed Ludwig's territory... with Mario's help.
Bowser: (eye twitching) That's too bad. Roy's at the Glitz Pit. Be a good boy and check on him. But, as punishment you will have to buy the tickets.
*Bowser Jr: But those things are expensive! Better see if the guys got any money.
When he goes to the surface he can't find the team anywhere.
*Bowser Jr: Great, they ditched me. Hey! There's a letter addressed to me!
Letter: If you ever want to see your friends again, surrender Rogueport to me! Sincerely, Frankie.
*Bowser Jr: Never had a letter talk to me before.
Letter: Shut up.
*Bowser Jr. enters the item shop with the sign "Secret Mob entrance" on it.
*Bowser Jr: I'm here to see the boss.
Shop Boo: What's the password?
*Bowser Jr: (pointing a mini Bill Blaster at her) Here's your password!
Shop Boo: Chill! We're cool, we're cool.
She presses a button that's under the table. An alarm starts going off.
Alarm: SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED!
Some mob Piantas sneak up from behind him. *Bowser Jr. points a mini Bill Blaster behind himself and without even looking takes out the two guards. Suddenly a pipe appears under him and he falls in. He finds himself in a room full of Piantas. In the corner are a tied up Yux and Max.
Frankie: You must be here for your friends, correct?
*Bowser Jr: No, just their money.
Frankie: So you're not surrendering Rogueport? Then die!
The Piantas charge *Bowser Jr. Suddenly the music "No More Mister Nice Guy" starts to play. He jumps into the air and onto a Pianta's head. Running from head to head he fires at as many Piantas as he can. He winds up into the middle of a circle of Piantas. *Bowser Jr. jumps up and enters bullet time (well Bullet Bill time), and takes out the remaining guards. The music stops. Frankie and his wife, whose name escapes me at the moment, are all that's left.
Frankie: The author talks too much. Face the wrath of my rapid-fire Bill Blaster!
*Bowser Jr: Eat this! *click* Dang! Out of ammo. Don't need this anymore.
He throws the two Blasters at the Frankies, knocking them both out.
Yux: Thanks, dude.
Max: Thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle.
Yux: What?!
Max: I don't want to talk about it.
*Bowser Jr: Hey! His wife had three tickets in her pocket!
Shadow Mario: Wonder who the other ticket was for.
*Bowser Jr: How long have you been up?
Shadow Mario: Since your third loss at SSBM.
*Bowser Jr: But you could've... but... never mind...
To save some space I'll just say that they arrived at the Glitz Pit.
*Bowser Jr: Roy is probably breaking bones inside the Glitz Pit arena.
Yux: The sign over there says that this is Roy's Battle Arena.
Sign: Not associated with Lemmy's Land's battle arena.
Shadow Mario: No more talking inanimate object jokes!
They head inside and find twice as many spectators as there were in PMTTYD.
*Bowser Jr: There's my bro, and look how he's killing that Mushroom!
Roy: Die, Prince Mush!
Prince Mush: @%#!$!!!
Roy: Well when you put it that way...
Roy stabs him with nothingness. Star Points spew out of him like blood.
Crowd: Yeah!
Roy: Take him to the minor league room's Life Shroom stash. I keep the title again! Is there anyone who's strong enough to take on the new battle chart and fight me for the battle wand?!
*Bowser Jr: That's it! We don't have to kill everyone to get the wand after all!
Shadow Mario, Max, and Yux: Aww.
They head out and around the arena to Roy's office.
*Bowser Jr: I can't believe it, Bro.
Roy: That I get to beat up people for cash?
*Bowser Jr: No, that you were smart enough to work the GBA-shaped thing on the wall. Say... can I join the fight?
Roy: No. First of all, I don't like you. Second, if you got hurt you would cry to Ddad and he would kill both of us.
*Bowser Jr: I don't think he'll be killing
anyone for a while.
.
Max: Well, what did he say?
*Bowser Jr: He said I couldn't fight. Wait a minute... he said I couldn't fight! This looks like a job for...
He runs to a nearby phonebooth. He jumps in, then out.
*Shadow Mario: Shadow Mario!
Yux: ...
Max: ...
Random Toad: ...
*Shadow Mario: Shouldn't you be in Apple Kid's Fun Fiction?
Random Toad: You're right!
He jumps into the booth and disappears in a cloud of 0s and 1s.
Yux: To the arena!
They go there.
Roy: Mario! Must kill!!!
Max: Woah! Dude no. This is Shadow Mario.
Roy: Ok then. But let's call you... El Rico Loco.
*Shadow Mario: Whatever.
Roy: You are number... 51.
Yux: 0.0!
Roy: Don't care. Get to the arena already. You get a break every five wins.
THE ARENA
Referee: Hello mortals! Time for the insignificant 51 against 50 match!
Team 50: The Goomba Army
Goombario: I have no idea why I'm here.
Red Goomba: Because we could win!
Blue: Yeah!
King Goomba: Without that stupid tree, we will win!
*Shadow Mario: That's really smart, getting away from that tree and all.
Yux: Where's the real Goomba King?!
Referee: FIGHT!
Max: Take this!
He throws a green Spiny egg on the ground. A Goomnut tree sprouts in the arena. *Shadow Mario hits the root with his brush, dislodging three Goomnuts which lands on the Goomba army.
Red: Ow!
Blue: Ow!
King: OW!
Goombario: I'm allergic to Goomnuts!
He explodes.
Referee: Team El Rico Loco wins!
Crowd: Booo!
Boo: This joke is as old as time itself.
Bowser Jr: Bring on the next fighter!
Suddenly, whirring noises can be heard and then the Goomnut tree falls on Max.
Max: Ow.
Referee: Here's the next opponent!
Team 18: The Exploring Dry Bone Chainsaw Brothers
Yux: That is one long name.
Dry Bone 1: I say. I am Kolorado, Old Bean.
Dry Bone 2: I'm Kooper. I told him not to go near that Poison Pokey. But will he listen? Noooooo!
*Shadow Mario: What's with the chainsaws?
Dry Bones 1 and 2: None of your business!
*Shadow Mario: Whatever.
Referee: FIGHT!
Yux blows fire on the two and the referee, disintegrating them.
Referee's Ashes: Team... El... Rico... Loco... wins...
Roy: New referee!
Referee Jr: Next opponent!
Team 49: KP Koopas
KP Koopa: We're the best!
Max: How? You have the same stats as a regular Koopa. The only thing different is that your shells are yellow and I do not want to know why.
Referee Jr: Fight!
*Shadow Mario jumps on the first KP Koopa and kicks his shell, knocking him into the other KP Koopas.
Referee Jr: El Rico Loco wins!
Crowd: Zzz...
Bowser Jr: We've fought three times and already the crowd hates us.
*Shadow Mario: At least we haven't fought anything ridiculously strong yet.
Team 48: PS2's Colossus
Crowd: Ahhh!!!
Max: I hate you.
Yux: How is he allowed here? He's like 500 tons and is a Playstation 2 boss.
Lemmy: Who said Playstation 2?!
Lemmy shoots the Colossus with his Freeze Gun and somehow teleports out of the room with it.
Referee Jr: Team El Rico Loco wins, kind of.
Team 47: Then you must die!
Koopa: I will avenge the deaths of my fallen comrades by killing people with this stolen Lakitu cloud!
Max: You're the one that stole my cloud! Give it back!
Koopa: What's wrong with the cloud you've got now?
Max: This one doesn't have the built in toilet.
Yux: Ew.
Koopa: I thought that was a foot soaker.
Yux: Ew!
Referee Jr: Ew. Fight!
Koopa: Are you "The" Mario?
Bowser Jr: Don't answer that.
*Shadow Mario: Can't... resist... one... liner... joke! I'm "a" Mario.
Bowser Jr: Idiot.
Koopa: Then you must die!
He throws a Spiny egg at *Shadow Mario. He catches it and throws it back at the Koopa, knocking him off the cloud and out of the Glitz Pit.
Referee Jr: Team El Rico Loco wins! Head to the locker room.
.
*Shadow Mario: This will take forever, fighting all these guys. You know what we need?
Yux: Team jackets?
Max: Star-roids?
Bowser Jr: A hotdog?
Hotdog Stand Owner: A hotdog?
*Shadow Mario: No. A montage!
1980s music starts to play. Small scenes of the gang training and fighting are flashing before your eyes.
You're thinking: Hey! There are no scenes flashing before my eyes. How did he know that?!
After torturing you, the loyal reader, we find our anti-hero's in the 6th spot.
*Shadow Mario: Aren't montages great? We're in 6th and it's only been five minutes.
Max: What happened to my money?
Bowser Jr: And my hotdog?
Yux: AND MY EYE?!
*Shadow Mario: That's the problem with montages, you never know what happened.
Yux: At least I get this cool eye patch.
What will happen next? Tune in or it
will bring you pain to not know. Pain... Pain... Yucky yucky pain...
Chapter 3, Part Two: Second rule of Fight Club
Shadow Mario: I didn't pay attention last time. Something about fighting, hotdogs, and montages.
Bowser Jr: Dang, that's lame.
THE ARENA
Referee Jr: We've seen a lot from Team El Rico Loco today. We've seen the team break up twice, the loss of Yux's eye, and we've seen a lovely relationship between Max and May before she died. Now on with the battles!
Team 5: Yoshi Cameo Beatdown
Pink: Do you like Yoshis?
Dark Yoshi 123: Because if you don't then prepare to die!
Dark Knight: I don't want to be here so I'm leaving.
He does.
*Shadow Mario: Yux! Yoshis are highly flammable! Breath fire on them!
Yux: K.
Nothing happens.
Yux: Nuts, I must've caught a cold. I can't do the fire thing.
Max: That's lame, stupid, and dumb on all levels.
Pink: Answer my question!
*Shadow Mario: Um... yes?
Pink: Then I have no beef with you.
Dark Yoshi 123: Me neither.
They walk away.
Referee Jr: Team El Rico Loco wins!
Bowser Jr: Lame.
Team 4: The Iron Adonis Twins
Red Iron Cleft: Shut up!
Green Iron Cleft: What he said.
Max: You know who these guys are, right?
*Shadow Mario: Nope.
Yux: They're the ones who were so hard that Mario had to run away because they have unlimited defense..
*Shadow Mario: He runs away all the time. In Super Mario 64 he ran away from Bowser and just happened to get lost and thought that Bowser's tail was cheese so he gave it a hug and-
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Red: This time we've eliminated our weakness! We are now tethered to the ground so you can't throw us into each other!
Yux: But then you can't attack either.
Red: That's what the guns are for.
*Shadow Mario: Fine, we give up.
Referee Jr: Iron Whatevers win!
Major League Room
Max: That stunk. How do we beat them now?
Bowser Jr: I don't know. You know what I do in times of trouble? Eat hotdogs 'til I barf!
At the hotdog stand...
Yux: Now is time for our regular crazy talking to myself out loud as a cry for help against the Iron Adonis Twins.
Sherlock (what I named the Yoshi): You need help?
*Shadow Mario: Mario partner! MUST KILL!!!
Sherlock: Wait! I'm not associated with him anymore. I want to join the Koopa Clan so I can defeat Mario for not taking my calls!
Max: You need to be a Koopa to join the Koopa Clan.
*Shadow Mario: Hey! Join us and together we will take over the world! Ha ha ha!
Sherlock: K.
Max: How would you benefit us?
Sherlock: I have tons of attack points, you can ride on my back to go faster and jump ledges, and I have two attacks to melt the wires that hold those two to the ground and break through their defense! I'm the best partner you could ever have!
*Shadow Mario: Sweet. You're in!
Sherlock: Yeah!
Yux: Congrats on... on... A...ACHOO!
Yux blows fire on Sherlock, which causes him to explode..
Yux: Oops.
Bowser Jr: YOU MORON! He was the bravest of them all! Now there's no way to defeat the IAT!
???: Excuse me.
Max: Great, another mysterious stranger.
Yux: They're not all bad. The last one gave me candy!
An Iron Cleft slowly walks into view. She is kind of pink with pink shoes and a pink bow around her horn.
*Shadow Mario: THE PINK, IT BURNS!
Pink: Hey!
Bowser Jr: I'm guessing that you're our real next partner right?
???: That's right, and the name is Clefy.
Max: You're their sister, aren't you?
Clefy: Yup. Their older sister, and I know secrets about them.
Yux: Besides that, do you do anything else?
Clefy: Nope.
Bowser Jr: I smell a killoff coming.
Clefy: A Primer
Out of battle she does whatever
she feels like doing, gosh!
In battle she can beat people up
for fun and reveal dark secrets about her brothers.
*Shadow Mario: Why do you hate your brothers so much?
Clefy: They killed my little pony!
*Shadow Mario: ...
THE ARENA
Team 4: The Iron Adonis Twins
Max: Wait... shouldn't we fight 6th again? This place makes no sense!
Red: Shut up!
Referee Jr: Fight!
Green: Sis? What are you doing here?
Clefy: Getting revenge for my little pony!
Bowser Jr: Hit it!
Clefy: Now to tell secrets! Green, you're not iron! You're aluminum! Red, you were adopted!
Red and Green: We hate you! Waaah!
They run away.
Referee Jr: El Rico Loco wins!
Team 3: Chomp Crawdad
Chomp: Ruff Ruff Ruff!
Clefy: Die, puppy!
She rams them. The Chomps try to bite her but their teeth break. *Shadow Mario hits them with his brush, causing them to melt.
Referee Jr: El Rico Loco wins! I need a lozenge.
Max: And I need mental help.
Team 2: The Goomba Bros.
*Shadow Mario: How on Plit did you get here?
Goomba: We've evolved into... (putting on spiked hats) Spiked Goombas!
Yux: I can take this. Anyone have cold medicine?
Dr. Mario: I do!
Bowser Jr: Isn't he just Mario with more IQ?
Clefy: The world will never know.
Yux takes the pill, gets healed in seconds, and kills the Spiked Goombas with his bad breath.
Referee Jr: El... you know the rest.
Team 1: Koopatroler
Yux: What happened to Rawk Hawk? I thought he was in first.
Roy: He's in charge of random ceremonial cake parties.
*Shadow Mario: Didn't he almost kill Mario with one of his cakes?
Bowser Jr: Yup.
Koopatroler: Fight me!
Max: Leave this to me. Come on, man. We're like brothers, right? I'm friends... kind of, with one of Bowser's sons. Your boss wouldn't like it if his son's friend got hurt by you, right?
Koopatroler: I don't work for him anymore. Not after what he did to me.
Clefy: What did he do to you that was so bad that you quit?
The Koopatrol takes off his helmet and reveals a flaming Dry Bones skull.
Clefy: You can't blame him for your birth defect.
Roy: To make this interesting, this will be a one-on-one sword duel.
Koopatroler: (pulling out a flaming bone) Bring it on!
*Shadow Mario: (pulling out a light saber) Bring it!
Koopatroler: Dang.
After a while the Koopatroller is at the edge of the Glitz Pit.
*Shadow Mario: Obi Wan never told you about your father.
Koopatroler: What?
*Shadow Mario: Luke, I am your father!
Koopatroler: Nooooooo!
*Shadow Mario chops off the Kooptroller's hand and pushes him off the Glitz Pit.
Referee Jr: That was random. El Rico Loco wins!
Max: Yeah!
Yux: Yeah!
Clefy: Boo!
Champion: Roy
Roy: I'm glade you made it here. Can you step over a bit?
*Shadow Mario: Sure.
He falls into a trapdoor.
Roy: He's late! I win! If he shows his ugly head put him into the 50th place!
In the pit...
Max: This stinks.
Yux: Yeah!
Bowser Jr: Shut up.
Clefy: Hey, there's some stairs that leads up!
*Shadow Mario: No! I'm not going through all those battles again! Max, Randomize!
Max: I don't know, Davey...
*Shadow Mario: Just do it.
Max:. RANDOMIZE!
Max glows, then stops.
Max: The good news is...
Rawk Hawk: Cake time!
Teams 1-50: All right!
Two minutes later...
Referee Jr: Since everyone died from food poisoning, you're upgraded to 1st!
*Shadow Mario: Yeah!
Max: The bad news is...
A random fighter tackles him.
Max: ... Pain...
He passes out.
Yux: That's more like the good news.
ARENA
Roy: Stupid randomness.
Clefy: Prepare to die!
Referee Jr: In honor of my father. FIGHT!
Clefy charges Roy. Roy steps aside and kicks her onto her back.
Clefy: I've fallen and I can't get up!
Yux: My turn!
He starts spinning and charges Roy. He stops him with his hand and throws him like a sukan (throwing stars) at an audience member's head.
Yux: ...
Audience member: ...
Max: ...
Bowser Jr: Even unconscious he's annoying.
*Shadow Mario: Charge!
Roy bends his bones in ways they should never be bent and when he's done *Shadow Mario resembles a pretzel.
Referee Jr: It looks like... no wait! He's got a little life left in him!
*Shadow Mario: .k.il..l me. kill me now.
Max: ... What? (looking around) Was there a crazy party?
Bowser Jr: No. We were just about to be killed.
Max: Dang... Did my bad news come true yet?
Clefy: I thought you getting hit was the bad news.
Max: No. That was just an add-on to the good news.
Yux: I knew it!
Max: The bad news is...
Joley: Umm... Sir?
Roy: What is it?
Joley: Well... umm... We're out of fuel.
Roy: DID YOU JUST SAY WE'RE OUT OF FUEL?!
Joley: Yes.
Audience: AHHHHHHH!!!
They begin to drop like the wild thing.
Bowser Jr: AHHHH!!!
Clefy: AHHHH!
Max: AHHHH- *inhales* -HHHHHHHH!!!
Yux: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
On the ground...
Koopatroler: I can't believe I lived through that.
Koopa: Me neither. We'll off to ruin another chapter. Bye.
He leaves.
Koopatroler: You know what? This is a sign! I'm going to take that course and put in all my effort to make the world a better place! A world without Bowser or Mario! A place for Toads and Koopas!
The Glitz Pit lands on him. The referee emerges from the ruble.
Referee Jr: Let's go again! Let's go again! But first let's see who's left.
Max, Clefy, Yux, and *Bowser Jr. emerge, and Max is seen holding the body of Roy.
Max: Por Kay?!
Referee Jr: He's fine. Oh, and you win. Take your stupid wand.
*Bowser Jr: Woohoo!
Max: Now to be teleported to the entrance of the Glitz Pit.
Yux: That's fine.
Clefy: I think he means the one in the sky.
*Bowser Jr: But that would mean another freefall!
Yux: Hurray!
*Bowser Jr: I hate you.
They disappear.
End of Chapter
Luigi's Side 3
Luigi: Man that bus ride took a while. But those crazy people were so nice! They liked cooking and cleaning as much as I do!
He looks around and sees where the stump once stood.
Luigi: Nuts! That guy must've got here first. He left his trademark, unconscious Koopaling, giant massacre, and wet sheets.
Frankly: No, that was me.
Luigi: What are you doing here?
Frankly: Seeing if you got here yet. You need to hurry this up a bit. You only got eleven days left to get those wands!
Luigi: He's already got two of them. Why not let him get the wands?
Frankly: I've got my reasons. Excuse me a second.
He hides behind a tree and pulls out a cell phone.
Frankly: Joe? This is Big Red. Put all my biscuits on the Bowser Kid. Yes, I'm sure! Hold on a sec.
He comes out of the bushes while hiding the cell phone.
Frankly: By the way, I heard that Roy's giving away his wand to a worthy fighter at the Glitz Pit.
Luigi: Wait a minute. Rogueport, Petalburg, Boggly Woods, now the Glitz Pit? This seams familiar.
Frankly: Duh.
Luigi: This is like something Bro. murmured once... That's it!
Luigi heads to the pipe to Rogueport.
Frankly: Joe? Changed my mind. The kid just had a non-funny, serious chapter topped off with a cliffhanger. This means some good chapters coming up. I understand. Right, I love you too.
DAD: Ew.