Shadow Paper Mario: Rods of the Crystal Stars

By Shady Parakoopa

Shadow Mario: Last time, we got to do one of the best fights in all of history in giant robots! It was SO cool, but YOU don’t get to see it! Ha ha ha!

Bowser Jr: You’re cruel and totally lame.

Chapter 7: Parting is such sweet sorrow. Wait, no it’s not!

Do I have to say it? Fine, after a $@&% great fight (Which we didn’t get to see!), they head back to Rougeport, do the door thing, then talk to Bowser in the hospital.

*Bowser Jr: How are you feeling, Dad?

If you don’t remember, Bowser’s ears blew up last chapter.

Max: I remember.

Clefy: Who are you talking to?

Max: The voices in the sky that tell me to do things!  :)

Set Yux on fire.

Max: Yes master.  :)

He throws a fireball at Yux. It misse and, hits Rusty.

Rusty: Ow.

Bowser: What’s going on?

*Bowser Jr: Just my friends being stupid.

Bowser: What?

*Bowser Jr: My friends are being stupid!

Koopa Kid: Use this small chalkboard, please.

Yux: Thanks.

He takes the board and beats Max with it.

Yux: That will teach you for existing!

Max: I’ve learned a lesson indeed.

Koopa Kid: I meant to write stuff on it, so you can talk to Bowser sir!

Yux: Oh.

*Bowser Jr: Give me that. (writing) We checked on Morton like you asked but Mario… (not writing) What should we say?

Two minutes later...

*Bowser Jr: (writing) Killed him.

Bowser takes one look at it, then jumps out of bed, crashes through the floor, and somehow his hearing comes back. All this he does while screaming...

Bowser: THANK YOU DAD!!!

Shadow Mario: Okay then.

Clefy: Lemmy’s the only Koopaling left, right?

*Bowser Jr: That’s correct. Where would he go?

Everyone but Max: Fahr Outpost!

Max: To Dairy Queen!

Shadow Mario: Now I don’t know where to go.

Rusty: I was there once. There’s a pipe that leads there under…

*Bowser Jr points his blaster at Rusty.

*Bowser Jr: If you say under Rogueport, so help me DAD!

Bowser: Yes?!

Clefy: Dang! He fell to the bottom of the sewers! And Nibbles are eating him! And there’s a hotdog down there!

Max: Mine!

Rusty: Hey! There’s the pipe!

Shadow Mario: I hope it doesn’t reject us and go all vortex on us like the last one.

They jump into the pipe from the hole in the floor (by the way, they’re like on the 50th floor, real smart). They all make it in but *Bowser Jr hits his head on the side of the pipe. They all land safely in the snow on the other side, except for *Bowser Jr, who hits a lamp post.

*Bowser Jr: And that’s my cue to exit.

He passes out.

*Shadow Mario: Who would put a lamp post in the middle of nowhere?!

Yux: I don’t know, but for some reason I have the uncontrollable urge to give you this advice. If you meet a half naked guy in the forest who offers you tea and cookies, don’t go with him.

Rusty: … You’ve seen Narnia?

Yux: Yes, and it still gives me Goosebumps. Santa never gave me a sword!

Clefy: Oops! I forgot my purse!

She tries to jump in but the pipe grows legs and runs away.

Rusty: Is there a nuclear waste dump around here or something?

Monty Burns: This looks like an excellent place! Put the next barrel here, Smithers.

Smither: Yes sir!

*Shadow Mario: Let’s move on, shall we?

They head towards the town, along the way Max keeps singing some song.

Max: I am happy happy happy am I. Max is happy! Yes he is happy!

Yux: Max, you sure seem happy, why?

Max: Remember our bet that we made when we first met?

Flashback time!

Yux: So the reason those Punies were after you was because you killed Flurrie?

Max: That’s right!

Yux: Why?

*Shadow Mario: Because she was a Mario partner! They must all die!

Yux: … I bet you’ll probably kill one each chapter.

Max: I bet we don’t!

Yux: You’re betting against yourself you know, right?

Max: Yes!

End stupid flashback!

Max: We killed all of Mario’s partners, and there’s still two chapters left! I win!

Yux: Why did I look fat in that flashback?

*Shadow Mario: And why was I buff?

Max: Don’t question the Flashback!

They continue to head to Fahr Outpost, melting anyone who says hi.

Frost Piranha: Hi!

Yux blows fire at him.

Toad with propane tank: Hi!

Max throws a fireball at him.

Yux: Wait! Stop!

BOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!

They get blasted too Fahr Outpost.

*Shadow Mario: That was convenient.

Bob-omb: Dah! Welcome to…

Max throws another fireball at him.

BOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!

They get blasted backwards to an open field.

Goldbob: One of these days, General White! One of these days! Pow! Zoom! Straight to the moon!

General White: I know! I heard you the first time! Someday we’ll find a way to the moon that doesn’t kill 90% percent of the time.

Rusty: Excuse me. Have you seen a Koopa called Lemmy?

*Shadow Mario: He rides on a ball.

Clefy: With a star on it.

Yux: He has crazy hair.

Max: And he gives all the good little boys toys!

Clefy: What about girls?

Max: They’re not nice.

Clefy starts to pound him.

Max: See what I mean?

Goldbob: You mean that Koopa who tried to rule us all? We sent him to the moon.

*Shadow Mario: Well if that’s the case we just have to go to the mo… THE  MOON?!

White: Calm down, we don’t even know if he’s alive.

Rusty: You have to send us up there!

Yux: They do?

Goldbob: We’d like to, but all the Bob-ombs are still tired from the last takeoff.

White: Well, we do have “Them”.

Goldbob: You don’t mean?!

White: I do. We use… “The Bulky Bob-omb squad!”

Goldbob: That’s suicide! That killed my family!

White: We gave you those clones.

Goldbob: No you didn’t! You gave me Clone Troopers!

Clone Trooper: At your command!

*Shadow Mario: We need to get there!

Goldbob: … Ok! Prepare the cannon!

The Clone Trooper behind him pulls out a small disk. A holographic image of a man in a cloak appears from it.

Man in Cloak: Initiate code 67!

Clone Trooper: Kill all Mushroom Kingdom residents?

MIC: Exactly.

The ground below the group breaks in half, *Shadow Mario, Max, Yux, Clefy, Rusty, and the Clone Trooper fall in it. A cannon pops out of the ground.

White: Start phase two!

A bunch of fat Bob-ombs jump into the cannon.

Max: And we’re doing this, why?!

Goldbob: FIRE!

All the bombs explode. The team is jettisoned out towards the moon. They hit the moon, and slice right through it until they’re on the other side. The Clone Trooper is sent to the sun.

Clefy: We made it! Wait… something’s not right here.

*Shadow Mario: You mean the fact that we’re not in spacesuits and yet we’re still breathing?

Clefy: No, I mean that pipe over there. How did they put that on the moon?

Rusty: Space plumbers?

Alien Mario: Cheeeeeesssssseeeeee!!!

They enter the pipe and enter the X-Naut’s base.

Yux: *sniff* I’m home. Crump's music always brings back memories!

Flashback!

Little Yux: Hey! Can I play too?

Y-Yux: Let me think about it… NO!

Z-Yux: Get lost, Fire Breath!

All the Yuxes: Fire Breath! Fire Breath! Ha ga ga!

They all shoot a bunch of little electrical circles at Little Yux.

Little Yux: Whaaa!!!

End another stupid flashback!

Yux: Good times.

Bowser Jr: … Did I pass out again? (looking around) Ok! How the $%&@ did we get on the moon?! And what’s that machine over there?

He points to a machine with two large disks.

Rusty: The poorly made sign over there says that it’s a teleport to… “Lemmy’s Land Central / Death Star?”

Clefy: I just remembered something! I like living more than being with you guys! So you go on without me.

They push Clefy into the teleporter, they all get teleported to a giant, planet sized, black sphere with a death cannon pointed at Plit, the Death Star. The team lands in a teleporter onboard the star, in the teleport room (duh).

*Shadow Mario: That didn’t feel good.

Max: Clefy is crashing me!

Clefy: You’re hurting my foot!

Rusty: My sword is stuck in an eye!

Teleporter Worker: That’s MY eye!

Bowser Jr: I’m not really here, how’d I go through that thing?

Yux: I don’t know, but I’m more worried about the fatal internal problems that we’re going to suffer because of all of us teleporting at once.

Clefy: Did I always have arms?

Max: Did I have this third foot?

*Shadow Mario: I had a mustache, right?

Yux: It looks better on me!

The mustache falls off and somehow reattaches to *Shadow Mario.

Rusty: I always had cancer, right?

Yux: Sorry, that’s mine.

Lemmy Land Worker: Follow me, new meat!

*Shadow Mario: Whatever.

As they follow the LLW, they look around and see all kinds of Lemmy sites. One room is marked “Interviews”, and has people strapped to chairs and forced to watch show after show. Then there were the “Fun Fictions, where people are watching the same thing that you’re reading now. AND I DO MEAN YOU! There is a basement marked “Banned” and a lot of other stuff that I don’t care about enough to put in here.

LLW: Lord Lemmy, sir!

Lemmy: Not now! I’m trying to work on someone’s FF right now.

He turns back to the display screen, which shows Dark Yoshi 123 (it’s ok, I know him, which is worth nothing) strapped to a small asteroid in front of the cannon.

Dark Yoshi 12...something: I’ll write faster! I promise!

Lemmy: I’m sorry, but you’re of no use to me anymore.

Dark Yoshi 123: Then just let me leave!

Lemmy: You know too much! Fire the cannon!

LLW2: We can’t.

Lemmy: What?!

LLW3: We use some of the teleporters to send up some pizzas, but some pizza guy got into the teleporter and… Well, look for yourself.

Lemmy: Never!

He freezes the LLW.

Lemmy: Now let me take a look.

Somehow Dark Yoshi 123 escapes.

Lemmy: Oh, my, DAD.

A pizza monster is seen running across the monitors, destroying things, jamming up the death cannon, and making everything sticky.

Lemmy: This is almost as bad as that liver and onions monster!

*Shadow Mario: Ahem!

Lemmy: Oh, you’re those guys who… exist.

Yux: We’re here for your wand.

Lemmy: But I… You can have it if you get rid of that monster.

Max: But I’m lactose intolerant.

Clefy: We’ll do it!

Rusty: Why can’t we just kill Lemmy?

Lemmy freezes Rusty.

Lemmy: That’s why.

*Shadow Mario: Let’s split up, gang!

Clefy: Jinkies!

They split up. *Shadow Mario finds the Pizza Monster first.

Bowser Jr: Let’s do this thang!

*Shadow Mario: I told you never to say that again!

He starts choking Bowser Jr.

Pizza Monster: @&$#@&! (This is cool!) %$@#. (I wish I could eat something.)

The pizza monster eats himself to death.

*Shadow Mario: That was…

Bowser JR: Don’t say it.

Another pizza monster eats *Shadow Mario.

Bowser Jr: ???

Lemmy: What? We like pizza.

Yux appears.

Yux: I’m going to domin your o!

Pizza Monster #2: &#$@! (Ew!)

Yux: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Pizza Monster #2: &%#$, %#%#! (No I don’t, but I do with this one!)

A second mouth eats Yux.

Max: Ok then, I’m just going to run for my life now. Oh yeah, I have no legs. I just made myself feel bad.

He gets eaten.

Max: S…a.v..ing… role..

He drops a pair of dice, they land on snake eyes, Max passes out.

Lemmy: … Rusty! You’re our only hope! Oh wait, you’re still frozen.

A third pizza monster stabs the ice block with Rusty in it with a popsicle stick. Then he starts licking.

Lemmy: Well… that’s just peachy.

Princess Peach: Hello!

Lemmy: We don’t need that Peach.

She gets eaten. Clefy appears.

Lemmy: I forgot about you.

Clefy: And you forgot to stock the fridge!

Lemmy: There was enough food in there to feed an army for years! Not that I have one. *shifty eyes*

Soldier: An army of one! One very hungry one!

The pizza monsters eat the soldier, then Clefy eats them.

Bowser Jr: The others are still in there!

Lemmy: You’re going to have to shrink down and rescue them from the inside!

Bowser Jr: How does that make sense?!

Lemmy: Just do it!

Bowser Jr. shrinks down stupidly and enters Clefy.

Bowser Jr: That was retarded.

He continues to float until he finds Yux.

Yux: How did I shrink just enough to fit inside this stomach?

Bowser Jr: I don’t know or care.

They then find…

Rusty: Help! I’m being eaten!

Yux: Hold on! We’ll help!

Rusty: On second thought, I’d rather be eaten.

Yux throws himself at Rusty, causing him to fall to the bottom of the stomach, zoom through the small and large intestines, and out the… well, you know. They exit the body and stupidly return to normal.

Rusty: I need a bath.

Yux: Me two.

Bowser Jr: Are we forgetting someone?

Rusty: We forgot *Shadow Mario!

Lemmy: Quick! There’s still time to save him until he returns to normal size!

Clefy: You didn’t say anything about a time limit!

Lemmy: Duh, it’s shrinking. There’s always a time limit.

*Shadow Mario zooms out of Clefy as she explodes.

*Shadow Mario: Poor Clefy… Who cares?

Clefy reforms and beats up *Shadow Mario.

Yux: How’d you do that?

Clefy: … I don’t know.

Max: You forgot about me too!

Yux: No one cares, random hat boy.

Max: Don’t be dissen the hat, fool!

Yux: What hat?

Max feels the top of his head and realizes he’s missing his hat.

Max: MY HAT!

He starts killing Clefy.

Bowser Jr: Can we just take the wand and leave now?

*Shadow Mario: Good idea. So we’ll be taking that wand now…

Lemmy: HA! I tricked you! Luigi came by earlier and stole the wand while I was sleeping.

Rusty: Luigi?

Yux: Hey! Remember chapter 5? Cortez said that some green dude took Wendy’s wand.

Bowser Jr: I don’t care! We went through all that and we didn’t get rewarded. Max! Do your worst randomizer ever!

Max stops killing Clefy.

Max: Biggest randomizer of all, coming up! In the name of my fallen hat… RANDOMIZE!

He glows in all the colors of the rainbow, then stops. Max looks stunned for a second.

Rusty: What's wrong?

Clefy: Just my spine.

Rusty: I was talking to Max.

Max: … Oh, nothing. The good news is…

LLW4: Sir?

Lemmy: What is it?

LLW4: The cannon’s firing.

Lemmy: So?

LLW5: It’s firing, backwards.

Lemmy: WHAT?!

The cannon fires and destroys the Death Sall. Alarms start going off. The evacuation scene from Spaceballs starts playing with all the characters changed to Mario characters. It's pretty creepy with that one gorilla scene being changed to Lemmy sitting on a Goomba. The group escapes in one escape pod. Lemmy and a couple LLWs don’t make it to a pod in time, and as the Star explodes, Lemmy quickly types in his computer, “I’ll be a little late with the updates for a while.”

BOOOOMMMMM!!!

Yux: It’s pretty cramped in here.

Max sheds a tear.

Bowser Jr: Ok, what’s wrong?

Max: You’re going to hate me after this.

*Shadow Mario: Nonsense! We hate you now.

Clefy: He’s right, and there’s nothing you can do that will ever change that.

Rusty: So, what's the bad news?

Max: *sniff* It’s been fun, but now I have to go. The bad news is…

Max explodes in *Shadow Mario’s face, causing him to pass out (what a wimp). Somehow it’s a electrical explosion and causes all the equipment in the pod to shortcircuit, including the heat shield.

Yux: $%#@ YOU MAXXXX!!!

*Bowser Jr: We’re burning uppppp!!!

Clefy: We’re all going to dieeeee!!!

Rusty: And our last words will be stretched outtttttt!!!

The ship burns up in the atmosphere. The group lands in the middle of a field on a couple thousand dead Toads.

*Bowser Jr: We’re alive! WE’RE ALIVE!!!

Yux: Whatever that’s worth.

Clefy: My bow melted.

Rusty: Hey, where’s my sword?

*Bowser Jr: There it is!

He points to a sharp object on fire falling from the sky and landing in Rogueport. A huge explosion follows.

Rusty: I’ll be right back.

He stupidly teleports away, then returns with his sword, which has a dead Toad on it.

Rusty: What? He called me fat.

Yux: Look over there!

He uses one of his three pointer things to point to Luigi.

*Bowser Jr: After him!

Luigi: Well, that was hard. (singing) At least they didn’t get my Sugar Crisps!

He looks into his cereal bowl and notices that the milk is vibrating.

Luigi: This isn’t good, is it?

Rusty: Don’t you watch movies? Of course it’s not!

Luigi: What do you want?

*Bowser Jr: Your wands!

Luigi: How do you know about them?!

Yux: Duh, it’s part of the title.

Rusty: We must do battle!

He jumps forward and cuts him in half.

Rusty: That was easy.

Luigi reforms and electrocutes Rusty with his thunder hand.

Rusty: Ow.

Yux throws a couple mini-Yuxs that act like chainsaws at Luigi. He gets mutilated. Then he reforms again and throws green fireballs at him.

Yux: Oh, hardy har har. Set the fire breather on fire. Wait… I’m on fire!

*Bowser Jr: He’s got too many Life Shrooms!

Luigi and *Bowser Jr. keep firing at each other with mini Bullet Bills and fireballs. Meanwhile, Clefy sticks to the background until…

Ring! Ring!

Clefy takes out a cell phone.

Clefy: Yes?

Toad: I was wondering if you would like to change your phone services?

She hangs up.

Ring! Ring!

Clefy: Yes?

Wario: It’s time!

Clefy: I understand.

She tackles Yux, Rusty, and *Bowser Jr.

Yux: What are you doing?!

Clefy starts to glow and change shape. After two seconds she changes into… Boy I like suspense!… Come on guess!… Ok, I promise this time it’s for real… Sike! Ok, I’m serious again.

Everyone: Doopliss!

Doopliss: That’s right! I’ve been hiding in your group until I could find the perfect time to tackle you so Luigi would get the wands and Wario would make a killing at the League of Illegal Gambling!

Meanwhile!

Wario: Why’d I hire a villain to help me cheat? They always blab the secret plan!

Frankly: Ha ha! You broke the rules! I only helped Luigi a little but you were paining this from the beginning! … Oh nuts. Did I say that out loud?

Owner of the League of Illegal Gambling (aka, Viney): Yes. You have broken the most sacred law! You must be killed!

Frankly: Run!

Wario and Frankly do a stupid chase scene.

Doopliss: … Did any one else see that stupid “meanwhile“ thing?

Yux: Nope.

Rusty: Nope.

*Bowser Jr: Nope.

Luigi: Bud.

Rusty: Wise.

Yux: Er.

Doopliss: Well, if Wario’s not making money off of this then I’m leaving.

*Bowser Jr: One question. Were you with us the whole time, or did you just sneak on during chapter 5?

Doopliss: Chapter 5. Why?

*Bowser Jr: Just checking to see if you were pretending to be a girl all this time or not. That would have been weird.

Doopliss: …

He leaves.

Luigi: Back to killing each other!

Rusty: Ok.

He tries to chop Yux in half.

Luigi: I’ll never understanding you guys.

Suddenly…

Yux: Haven’t we done enough surprises already?

NO! Suddenly, a black shadow appears behind Luigi and knocks him out. The shadow takes his two wands, then splits into five shadows.

Shadow Mario: Hey! I’m the only Shadow here! You got that?!

The shadows emerge into the light.

*Bowser Jr: It can’t be! Unless the author's very, very desperate.

Koopa #1: Are you “The” Mario?

Koopa #2: Are you “The” Mario?

Koopa #3: Are you “The” Mario?

Koopa #4: Are you “The” Mario?

Koopa #5: Are you “The” Luigi?

*Bowser Jr: It’s the return of the stupid repetitive joke! And now there’s FIVE of them?!

Yux: But they’re all different!

#1 is the same Koopa. #2 is on a cloud. #3 is half zombified. #4 is a spirit. And #5 has railroad track marks across his face.

Koopa: You’ve avoided us long enough!

Cloud Koopa: Us five have been chasing you for long enough!

Zombie Koopa: (slowly) And we have come to finish what we started!

Ghost Koopa: Back at chapter one we made a brotherly pact!

Railroad Koopa: That we would destroy you!

All the Koopas: Together!

Yux: One question.

Koopa: What is this? An interview?

Yux: Maybe. I was just wondering if you could tell me why there are only five of you if there were seven chapters?

Cloud Koopa: … I didn’t really think about that.

Zombie: (If you were truly a fan I wouldn’t need to say this.) Who cares?!

Ghost Koopa: Together now!

Railroad Koopa: To kill them!

All the Koopas: Wonder twin powers, activate!!!

The two wands begin to glow. The Koopas form into a giant Mega Koopa!

*Bowser Jr: … What happened to that Gundam we had last chapter?

The Gundam is seen going crazy and killing everyone in Canada. The camera zooms in to show a Goomba controlling it.

*Bowser Jr: Now I remember. Anyone have any Ideas?

Yux: Nope.

Rusty: … What if… never mind.

Shadow Mario: No, what were you going to say?

Rusty: Well… what if we just shoot him in the stomach where that huge target sign is?

*Bowser Jr: That’s stupid. Let's just shoot him in the stomach where that huge target sign is.

Rusty: Brilliant!

They shoot him the stomach.

Mega Koopa: How did you know my one weakness?!

He dies.

Yux: That was random… Wait. The bet’s still on!

Shadow Mario: What you talking about, Yux?

Yux: This is Plit! The dead never stay dead! So Max, listen up! We killed Luigi 525,653 times and he was the original Mario partner! There’s one more chapter left! I will win! If you can hear me then give me a sign!

*Bowser Jr: Look! Up in the sky!

Rusty: It’s a Paratroopa!

Shadow Mario: It’s an illegal alien!

Alien Mario: Chhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeessssssseeee!

Yux: It’s Max’s hat!

The flaming hat lands on Yux at high speeds. As Yux gets out of the crater, the hat is seen undamaged and now stuck on Yux’s head.

Yux: Get this ugly thing off me!

Shadow Mario: Well, I guess that’s payback for…

Everyone: Dissen the hat, FOOL! Ha ha ha!

Yux: I hate you all.

End Of Chapter!

Frankly’s Side Final!

Frankly: Hurry! We can lose them in here!

Frankly opens a door and Wario runs in screaming, followed shortly by Frankly. The door closes behind them as the angry crowd keeps running.

Wario: That-a was close. Can you-a find a light switch?

Frankly: Sure. It should be around here somewhere.

He turns on the light and looks below himself to see that there’s no ground below him.

Frankly: …

Wario: This-a seems sort of familiar. (Mario Power Tennis, FOOLS!)

They fall to the bottom of the pit. After recovering, the two hear voices coming out of the next room.

Frankly: What’s that?

Wario: I-a don’t know. This room is off-a limits to the Wario!

Frankly hits him with the hammer from earlier.

Frankly: Shut up and listen, you stupid Italian stereotype.

???: So… their journey is over?

????: Yes. And as you know, when this happens the one named Shadow Mario will take off on a new journey. We have to interfere in his next journey so he will get us what we want.

???: The seven coins. But how do we know that he is the one? Thousands have tried in the past. Each one has failed to get even one. What about the one named Mario? He is more experienced than him.

????: NO! He is TOO experienced. The only way we can get him to do it is to kidnap the princess, and if we do that he’ll become stronger than us. As the fortune teller said, “He is without purpose. All he’ll do is go after the money without a care in the world.” He will be our pawn to our chess board of new world order!

The two share an evil laugh.

Wario: Ow-a. What-a did I miss?

Frankly: Just the author giving out his hidden plot to his next FF.

Wario: What?

Frankly: Nothing. By the way… When did you get that accent?

Wario: Ebay-a?

Frankly: … We have to make it out of here and get to Rogueport to warn them about the author and his dreaded sequels! Oh, and the world will blow up.

Wario: Well-a hop in!

Frankly: Where did you get that kart?

Wario: Ebay-a?

Frankly: I meant… Oh forget it!

They hop in and burst through the wall. From there they zoom to Rogueport.

Shady: Well this FF is about to end, but before we get to the climax I just have to say how proud I am to say this. I thank you for sticking with us to the end, in my first meager (and hopefully not last) FF. This for you AJ! We did it!

Blaze: Who’s AJ?

Shady: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Read on!


 
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