Lemmy's Land: The Screenplay

By Lord Seth

               INT. KOOPA CASTLE - THRONE ROOM - DAY

               Bowser sits on the throne. A Goomba is with him.

                                   BOWSER
                         Wow! Getting rid of those kids of
                         mine was one of the smartest things
                         I've ever done! And that's saying
                         something! Now I'm not going crazy
                         because of them, and they're not
                         distracting me! And I don't have to
                         pay for their needs anymore!

                                   GOOMBA
                         You also can't list them as
                         dependants on your tax forms.

                                   BOWSER
                         I pay taxes?

                                   GOOMBA
                         Yes.

                                   BOWSER
                         To who? I'm the tyrant around here!

                                   GOOMBA
                         I don't know! I'm just a lackey who
                         sits around the throne and makes
                         various remarks. You know, like how
                         the expense of raising a kid isn't
                         offset by the tax deductions they
                         bring you as a dependant. So you
                         still save money by not having
                         them.

                                   BOWSER
                         But that still doesn't answer the
                         question of why I pay taxes!

                                   GOOMBA
                         I suggest you take that up with
                         whoever's in charge of taxes.

                                   BOWSER
                         Good idea. Remind me to give you a
                         raise!

                                   GOOMBA
                         I don't make any money. I just get
                         free room and board.

                                   BOWSER
                         Okay, remind me to give you more
                         boards, then. We've got an excess
                         of them. Darn wood oversupply.
                         Well, time to find the guy in
                         charge of taxes.

               Bowser leaves.
 

               INT. KOOPA CASTLE - THRONE ROOM - LATER

               Bowser is still no longer in the throne room, though the
               Goomba is. Bowser enters and sits on the throne again.

                                   BOWSER
                         I can't believe it! They said that
                         I would have to talk to their boss
                         about it, which is me! I HATE
                         bureaucracy!

                                   GOOMBA
                         You know, there's an old saying
                         about this.

                                   BOWSER
                         What?

                                   GOOMBA
                         I have no idea. But I know there
                         was an old saying about this. Oh,
                         and there's something important I
                         need to tell you.

                                   BOWSER
                         What?

                                   GOOMBA
                         We got this message.

               An envelope suddenly appears next to the Goomba, and it moves
               over to Bowser's hand.

                                   BOWSER
                         How did you do that? You don't even
                         have arms!

                                   GOOMBA
                         Didn't Goombella do that a lot in
                         that adventure with the X-Nauts?

                                   BOWSER
                         Ooh, continuity!

                                   GOOMBA
                         What?

                                   BOWSER
                         Never mind. Okay, now to open the
                         envelope!

               Bowser opens the envelope very slowly.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Why aren't you opening it more
                         quickly?

                                   BOWSER
                         It's a suspense thing.

                                   GOOMBA
                         You know, I read somewhere that
                         opening envelopes too slowly can
                         increase the chance of getting
                         horrible diseases.

                                   BOWSER
                         Uh oh!

               Bowser opens it quickly.

                                   BOWSER
                         Where did you read that?

                                   GOOMBA
                         Uh... my weblog.

                                   BOWSER
                         Okay! Now, what does this say?
                             (reading message)
                         Dear Bowser, King of the Koopas.
                             (looks up)
                         Wow! They even included my title!
                             (continues reading)
                         You are ordered to surrender your
                         castle and troops and lands and
                         whatever other things you have to
                         B.A.D. In case you want to know, it
                         stands for Bad As Dead. Okay, so
                         the title is a work in progress,
                         okay? We're a really large group of
                         Koopas, Goombas, Mushroomers, and
                         all the other various people who
                         want to OVERTHROW YOU! And then
                         takeover the Mushroom Kingdom. And
                         everywhere else. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
                         Uh, sorry about that. I'm dictating
                         this, you see. Anyway, we're
                         starting with you. And if you
                         refuse to give in to our demands,
                         horrible things will happen!
                             (stops reading)
                         I wonder what kind of horrible
                         things they mean.

               There is suddenly an enormous explosion. When it clears, the
               castle is in rubble. Bowser and the Goomba are still in what
               previously was the throne room, but are now covered in ashes.

                                   BOWSER
                         Does that count as a horrible
                         thing?

                                   GOOMBA
                         That's it! I quit! I don't even get
                         any hazard pay for this stupid job!

               The Goomba walks off.

                                   BOWSER
                         You know, I have a feeling I should
                         say something here, but I don't
                         know what to say. So I'll just say
                         what I'm saying right now. Woohoo!
                        Problem solved. I always say that
                         you can solve your problems by
                         talking like an imbecile. Whatever
                         that is.
 

               INT. MARIO AND LUIGI'S HOUSE - TELEVISION ROOM - DAY

               Luigi is on the couch, watching the television. A newscaster
               is shown on the television.

                                   LUIGI
                         Hey, Mario! Look at this!

               Mario comes in.

                                   MARIO
                         What?

                                   LUIGI
                         Look at what's on the news!

                                   NEWSCASTER (ON TV)
                         And in other recent news, Koopa
                         Castle has mysteriously been
                         mysteriously destroyed by a
                         mysterious explosion. No one was
                         killed because all of the minions
                         were, by pure coincidence, out of
                         the castle doing field exercises.
                         Bowser lived through it because the
                         throne room is the most fortified
                         area of the castle. He had this to
                         say.

               The TV cuts to Bowser in front of the destroyed castle.

                                   BOWSER (ON TV)
                         If I ever catch who did this,
                         they're going to be sorry! I'll
                         roast them and jump on them and
                         bite them! And if they're still
                         alive after all that, I'll send
                         them to the dungeon for life after
                         I kill them!

               The TV cuts back to the news room.

                                   NEWSCASTER (ON TV)
                         Inspiring words indeed. And now
                         back to your regularly scheduled
                         program that is nothing but filler
                         for the important stuff like this.

               The news room disappears and in its place is a cartoon.

                                   MARIO
                         Wow! All of Koopa Castle was just
                         destroyed?

                                   LUIGI
                         This seems oddly familiar.

                                   MARIO
                         We'd better go tell Peach this!

                                   LUIGI
                         Huh? Wouldn't Peach see it on the
                         television herself?

                                   MARIO
                         All the television sets were
                         removed from the castle for being
                         too distracting. The servants were
                         paying too much attention to them
                         and not doing their duties. Like
                         cleaning or dusting, for example.

                                   LUIGI
                         Oh, so THAT'S why we had those
                         troubles with those giant dust
                         bunnies a while back.

                                   MARIO
                         But I'm worried. What if what
                         destroyed Koopa Castle goes after
                         us next?

                                   LUIGI
                         We don't even know what did destroy
                         it.

                                   MARIO
                         Then there's only one thing to do!

                                   LUIGI
                         We go undercover to investigate the
                         cause?

                                   MARIO
                         No, no. I go undercover. You stay
                         here and protect the Mushroom
                         Kingdom in case something happens.

                                   LUIGI
                         It's always like that! You get to
                         go adventuring while I stay here
                         and protect the Mushroom Kingdom!

                                   MARIO
                         Well, it's an important job.

                                   LUIGI
                         It's a pointless job! No one ever
                         attacks us while you're out on
                         whatever adventure you're on!

                                   MARIO
                         Well, someone has to stay here and
                         protect the kingdom in case it is
                         attacked! And we're the strongest
                         of all the good guys who live here!

                                   LUIGI
                         So why can't I be the one to go
                         undercover?

                                   MARIO
                         Fine, fine! I'll stay here, and you
                         go undercover to find out what's
                         going on! Just don't do anything
                         stupid like last time you went
                         undercover.

                                   LUIGI
                         What did I do that was so stupid?

                                   MARIO
                         Your entire disguise was wearing a
                         T-shirt that said "I am not Luigi"
                         on it.

                                   LUIGI
                         It worked, didn't it?

                                   MARIO
                         That's not the point. Okay, we'll
                         need to get you a Koopa disguise.
                         And it needs to be realistic! No
                         one should be able to tell it's
                         you! Not even me!

                                   LUIGI
                         Wait. If you can't tell me from a
                         real Koopa, how can I prove that
                         I'm not a real Koopa to you?

                                   MARIO
                         Remember that adventure with the
                         brain-switching where you proved to
                         me you were you, even though you
                         were trapped in the Koopa Troopa
                         body, by knowing the last line to
                         that plumber's oath?

                                   LUIGI
                         Yes.

                                   MARIO
                         We'll just do that again. Okay,
                         let's get you disguised.
 

               EXT. MARIO AND LUIGI'S HOUSE - DAY

               The door opens and Mario comes out.

                                   MARIO
                         Okay, Luigi! Let's see if people
                         recognize you!

               Luigi leaves the house in a Koopa suit. It is extremely
               realistic; we wouldn't even know it was Luigi if not for the
               fact that Mario has just referred to him as Luigi. The only
               difference anyone would notice is that the Koopa Luigi is a
               little taller than a normal Koopa.

                                   MARIO
                         Okay, let's give it a try!

               A Mushroomer comes by.

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         Hi Luigi.

               The Mushroom walks away. Mario and Luigi stare after him.

                                   MARIO
                         Okay, so one person-

               A large group of Mushroomers all walk by Mario and Luigi. One
               is in front of them and is walking backwards while addressing
               the others, as he is obviously a tour guide.

                                   TOUR GUIDE
                         And to your left you will see
                         Luigi!

               The Mushroomers pass by. Mario and Luigi stare in shock.

                                   MARIO
                         How is this possible? It's such a
                         great disguise.

               Toad walks up to Mario.

                                   TOAD
                         Hey, Mario! What are you doing with
                         this Koopa?

                                   MARIO
                         Wait, you don't recognize him as
                         Luigi?

                                   TOAD
                         Well, no. Who would?

                                   MARIO
                         All those Mushroomers.

               Another large group of Mushroomers walk by. One is again in
               the front while walking backward and addressing the others.

                                   TOUR GUIDE
                         And to your left you will see Luigi,
                         Toad, and some Koopa. Hey, Luigi,
                         why are you with this Koopa?

                                   MARIO
                         Uh, I'm Mario.

                                   HEAD MUSHROOMER
                         Really? Oops.

               The crowd goes by.

                                   TOAD
                         Recently a large number of
                         Mushroomers have become red/green
                         colorblind.

                                   MARIO
                         Wouldn't they notice the
                         differences in our heights and the
                         fact I have an M on my cap, not an
                         L?

                                   TOAD
                         Well, those Mushroomers have also
                         been stricken with dyslexia and bad
                         eyesight.

                                   LUIGI
                         What?! How can they have all those
                         ailments?

                                   TOAD
                         We're not sure.

                                   MARIO
                             (stroking mustache)
                         Well, my plumber's intuition says
                         that it has something to do with
                         the destruction of Castle Koopa.
                         That makes this mission even more
                         urgent! Luigi?

                                   LUIGI
                         Yes?

                                   MARIO
                         Get undercover right now! Find and
                         infiltrate their operation!

                                   LUIGI
                         Finally! I get to go on an
                         adventure while you protect the
                         Kingdom!

               Luigi leaves.

                                   TOAD
                         Why are you usually the one who
                         goes out on the adventures?

                                   MARIO
                         Well, I'm the older brother.

                                   TOAD
                         Aren't you twins?

                                   MARIO
                         Well, one twin is born before the
                         other twin. So I'm slightly older
                         than Luigi.

                                   TOAD
                             (nodding with
                              understanding)
                         Oh, now I understand.
 

               INT. BAR - DAY

               The Koopalings all enter a very busy bar.

                                   IGGY
                         Aren't we too young to be in a bar?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Don't be preposterous. All the bars
                         around here only serve water, milk,
                         coffee, hot chocolate, and juice.
                         Why wouldn't we be able to use
                         that?

               The Koopalings all sit at a table.

                                   LARRY
                         Okay, I'd welcome any ideas anyone
                         might have!

               Luigi, in the Koopa disguise, enters the bar and sits on a
               stool.

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh... I'd like some juice.

                                   BARKEEPER
                         Any kind of juice?

                                   LUIGI
                         I don't care. I need something to
                         drown my sorrows in.

               The barkeeper gives Luigi a glass of orange juice. Luigi
               quickly drinks it.

                                   BARKEEPER
                         Why are you so upset?

                                   LUIGI
                         Bowser fired me for no good reason.
                         Man, I'd LOVE to somehow get back
                         at him! But it's not like there's
                         some organization I could join to
                         do so. Well, thanks for the drink.

               Luigi gives the barkeeper some coins and leaves. On his way
               out, he's stopped by a Goomba.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Can I talk to you? Outside?

                                   LUIGI
                         Sure!
 

               EXT. BAR - DAY

               The two leave the bar and talk behind a tree.

                                   GOOMBA
                         So... you want revenge on Bowser,
                         you say?

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh, well I really hate him for
                         firing me, but that revenge part
                         was just the orange juice talking.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Are you sure?

                                   LUIGI
                         Why?

                                   GOOMBA
                         Because I could probably help you
                         get that revenge.

                                   LUIGI
                         His castle was already destroyed!

                                   GOOMBA
                         But Bowser and his army are still
                         around! And I bet you hate the
                         Mushroom Kingdom, too!

                                   LUIGI
                         Huh?

                                   GOOMBA
                         Well, you're a Koopa, and they
                         don't like Koopas.

                                   LUIGI
                         Actually, that is a misconception.
                         You see, the reason Mario only
                         encountered evil Koopas on his
                         adventures originally was because
                         none of the good ones were out
                         attacking him. But there are plenty
                         of good ones around, as evidenced
                         by the fact that he joined up with
                         some in-

               Luigi notices the Goomba is staring at him.

                                   LUIGI
                         But that doesn't matter. I guess I
                         am pretty mad at the Mushroom
                         Kingdom because they dislike me
                         because I was in Bowser's army.

                                   GOOMBA
                         So you want revenge on Bowser and
                         the Mushroom Kingdom?

                                   LUIGI
                         Well, I don't know if I want to go
                         as far as to get revenge... there is
                         that whole "turn the other cheek"
                         adage and-

               The Goomba kicks Luigi on one cheek.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Okay, ready to turn the other one
                         and let me kick it?

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh, not really.

                                   GOOMBA
                         See? Revenge is a good thing! It's
                         a dish best served cold!

                                   LUIGI
                         What does that even mean?

                                   GOOMBA
                         Uh... I don't know. But are you in?

                                   LUIGI
                         I guess so.

                                   GOOMBA
                         All right! Because I recruited
                         someone, that means I get a
                         discount on all purchases in our
                         secret lair! Let's go!

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh... hang on a second. I have
                         some... uh... business to take care
                         of.

                                   GOOMBA
                         The bathroom is in the back.

                                   LUIGI
                         Okay!

               Luigi dashes around the other side of the bar. He takes a
               walkie-talkie out of the shell he's in and turns it on.

                                   LUIGI
                             (into walkie-talkie)
                         Okay, Mario, I think I'm in. That
                         "playing hard to get" routine
                         worked really well. If I looked too
                         eager they might think it was a
                         trap. I probably won't be able to
                         contact you for a while, but this
                         is to tell you that phase one is
                         complete.

               Luigi turns the walkie-talkie off and puts it back in the
               shell, then goes back to the front of the bar.

                                   GOOMBA
                         That was quick.

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh, yeah. Okay, let's get going to
                         revenge!

               Luigi and the Goomba both leave.
 

               INT. BAR - DAY

               The Koopalings are still at the table.

                                   LARRY
                         Did you notice those two? That
                         Koopa and that Goomba?

                                   WENDY
                         You mean the really ugly ones?

                                   LARRY
                         I meant the two that were talking
                         and then left together.

                                   WENDY
                         Well, they were pretty darn ugly.

                                   LARRY
                         Well, I heard something about
                         revenge and Bowser. I'm sure they
                         know something about what happened
                         and how the castle was destroyed.

                                   ROY
                         Why do we even care? We're
                         banished, remember?

                                   MORTON
                         Think, Roy! We're banished because
                         we're in trouble, right? Well, if
                         we find out who's behind this whole
                         thing and bring them to justice, if
                         you call what would end up happening
                         to them justice, then surely we
                         would be forgiven and un-banished.
                         Therefore, it is clearly in our
                         best interests to do so, as it
                         seems to be the only way of getting
                         the banishment lifted.

                                   LUDWIG
                         That does appear to be the superior
                         modus operandi.

                                   WENDY
                         Oh, why does it matter? The
                         castle's destroyed anyway.

                                   LEMMY
                         It can be rebuilt.

                                   WENDY
                         Oh, I'm sure we can live out
                         here... that is, not in the castle.

                                   LEMMY
                         That isn't such a bad idea! I mean,
                         sure, we'll have to get jobs so we
                         can get money to pay for things,
                         but it shouldn't be so bad.

                                   WENDY
                         What?

                                   LEMMY
                         Well, we'd have to work pretty hard
                         to get money. Then we'd have to
                         carefully budget it and not be able
                         to buy every single thing we want.

                                   WENDY
                         LET'S GET UN-BANISHED! NOW!

                                   LEMMY
                         Somehow I had a feeling she would
                         say that.

                                   MORTON
                         So therefore I would highly
                         recommend that we go and follow
                         that Goomba and that Koopa Troopa,
                         although that Koopa Troopa seems
                         somewhat familiar somehow. Don't
                         ask me why, there's just something
                         vaguely familiar, though I can't
                         put my finger on it. Regardless, we
                         should go after them as soon as
                         possible before they get too far
                         away. In other words, rather than
                         sitting here and engaging in
                         pointless babble, we should go out
                         right now and follow them!

                                   ROY
                         Meaning?

                                   MORTON
                         Meaning that we'd better go follow
                         them RIGHT NOW or we're going to
                         lose the only lead we have on this!
                         If you had been paying attention,
                         you would've known what I was
                         talking about! Weren't you
                         listening to me at all?

                                   LEMMY
                         Not really. When you talk, we all
                         tend to zone out.

                                   LARRY
                         Morton's right, though! The time is
                         for action! The time is for leaving
                         and following them! NOW!

               The Koopalings all leave.

Read on!

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