INT. KOOPA CASTLE - THRONE ROOM - DAY
Bowser sits on the throne. A Goomba is with him.
BOWSER
Wow! Getting rid of those kids of
mine was one of the smartest things
I've ever done! And that's saying
something! Now I'm not going crazy
because of them, and they're not
distracting me! And I don't have to
pay for their needs anymore!
GOOMBA
You also can't list them as
dependants on your tax forms.
BOWSER
I pay taxes?
GOOMBA
Yes.
BOWSER
To who? I'm the tyrant around here!
GOOMBA
I don't know! I'm just a lackey who
sits around the throne and makes
various remarks. You know, like how
the expense of raising a kid isn't
offset by the tax deductions they
bring you as a dependant. So you
still save money by not having
them.
BOWSER
But that still doesn't answer the
question of why I pay taxes!
GOOMBA
I suggest you take that up with
whoever's in charge of taxes.
BOWSER
Good idea. Remind me to give you a
raise!
GOOMBA
I don't make any money. I just get
free room and board.
BOWSER
Okay, remind me to give you more
boards, then. We've got an excess
of them. Darn wood oversupply.
Well, time to find the guy in
charge of taxes.
Bowser leaves.
INT. KOOPA CASTLE - THRONE ROOM - LATER
Bowser is still no longer in the throne room, though the
Goomba is. Bowser enters and sits on the throne again.
BOWSER
I can't believe it! They said that
I would have to talk to their boss
about it, which is me! I HATE
bureaucracy!
GOOMBA
You know, there's an old saying
about this.
BOWSER
What?
GOOMBA
I have no idea. But I know there
was an old saying about this. Oh,
and there's something important I
need to tell you.
BOWSER
What?
GOOMBA
We got this message.
An envelope suddenly appears next to the Goomba, and it moves
over to Bowser's hand.
BOWSER
How did you do that? You don't even
have arms!
GOOMBA
Didn't Goombella do that a lot in
that adventure with the X-Nauts?
BOWSER
Ooh, continuity!
GOOMBA
What?
BOWSER
Never mind. Okay, now to open the
envelope!
Bowser opens the envelope very slowly.
GOOMBA
Why aren't you opening it more
quickly?
BOWSER
It's a suspense thing.
GOOMBA
You know, I read somewhere that
opening envelopes too slowly can
increase the chance of getting
horrible diseases.
BOWSER
Uh oh!
Bowser opens it quickly.
BOWSER
Where did you read that?
GOOMBA
Uh... my weblog.
BOWSER
Okay! Now, what does this say?
(reading message)
Dear Bowser, King of the Koopas.
(looks up)
Wow! They even included my title!
(continues reading)
You are ordered to surrender your
castle and troops and lands and
whatever other things you have to
B.A.D. In case you want to know, it
stands for Bad As Dead. Okay, so
the title is a work in progress,
okay? We're a really large group of
Koopas, Goombas, Mushroomers, and
all the other various people who
want to OVERTHROW YOU! And then
takeover the Mushroom Kingdom. And
everywhere else. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Uh, sorry about that. I'm dictating
this, you see. Anyway, we're
starting with you. And if you
refuse to give in to our demands,
horrible things will happen!
(stops reading)
I wonder what kind of horrible
things they mean.
There is suddenly an enormous explosion. When it clears, the
castle is in rubble. Bowser and the Goomba are still in what
previously was the throne room, but are now covered in ashes.
BOWSER
Does that count as a horrible
thing?
GOOMBA
That's it! I quit! I don't even get
any hazard pay for this stupid job!
The Goomba walks off.
BOWSER
You know, I have a feeling I should
say something here, but I don't
know what to say. So I'll just say
what I'm saying right now. Woohoo!
Problem solved. I always say that
you can solve your problems by
talking like an imbecile. Whatever
that is.
INT. MARIO AND LUIGI'S HOUSE - TELEVISION ROOM - DAY
Luigi is on the couch, watching the television. A newscaster
is shown on the television.
LUIGI
Hey, Mario! Look at this!
Mario comes in.
MARIO
What?
LUIGI
Look at what's on the news!
NEWSCASTER (ON TV)
And in other recent news, Koopa
Castle has mysteriously been
mysteriously destroyed by a
mysterious explosion. No one was
killed because all of the minions
were, by pure coincidence, out of
the castle doing field exercises.
Bowser lived through it because the
throne room is the most fortified
area of the castle. He had this to
say.
The TV cuts to Bowser in front of the destroyed castle.
BOWSER (ON TV)
If I ever catch who did this,
they're going to be sorry! I'll
roast them and jump on them and
bite them! And if they're still
alive after all that, I'll send
them to the dungeon for life after
I kill them!
The TV cuts back to the news room.
NEWSCASTER (ON TV)
Inspiring words indeed. And now
back to your regularly scheduled
program that is nothing but filler
for the important stuff like this.
The news room disappears and in its place is a cartoon.
MARIO
Wow! All of Koopa Castle was just
destroyed?
LUIGI
This seems oddly familiar.
MARIO
We'd better go tell Peach this!
LUIGI
Huh? Wouldn't Peach see it on the
television herself?
MARIO
All the television sets were
removed from the castle for being
too distracting. The servants were
paying too much attention to them
and not doing their duties. Like
cleaning or dusting, for example.
LUIGI
Oh, so THAT'S why we had those
troubles with those giant dust
bunnies a while back.
MARIO
But I'm worried. What if what
destroyed Koopa Castle goes after
us next?
LUIGI
We don't even know what did destroy
it.
MARIO
Then there's only one thing to do!
LUIGI
We go undercover to investigate the
cause?
MARIO
No, no. I go undercover. You stay
here and protect the Mushroom
Kingdom in case something happens.
LUIGI
It's always like that! You get to
go adventuring while I stay here
and protect the Mushroom Kingdom!
MARIO
Well, it's an important job.
LUIGI
It's a pointless job! No one ever
attacks us while you're out on
whatever adventure you're on!
MARIO
Well, someone has to stay here and
protect the kingdom in case it is
attacked! And we're the strongest
of all the good guys who live here!
LUIGI
So why can't I be the one to go
undercover?
MARIO
Fine, fine! I'll stay here, and you
go undercover to find out what's
going on! Just don't do anything
stupid like last time you went
undercover.
LUIGI
What did I do that was so stupid?
MARIO
Your entire disguise was wearing a
T-shirt that said "I am not Luigi"
on it.
LUIGI
It worked, didn't it?
MARIO
That's not the point. Okay, we'll
need to get you a Koopa disguise.
And it needs to be realistic! No
one should be able to tell it's
you! Not even me!
LUIGI
Wait. If you can't tell me from a
real Koopa, how can I prove that
I'm not a real Koopa to you?
MARIO
Remember that adventure with the
brain-switching where you proved to
me you were you, even though you
were trapped in the Koopa Troopa
body, by knowing the last line to
that plumber's oath?
LUIGI
Yes.
MARIO
We'll just do that again. Okay,
let's get you disguised.
EXT. MARIO AND LUIGI'S HOUSE - DAY
The door opens and Mario comes out.
MARIO
Okay, Luigi! Let's see if people
recognize you!
Luigi leaves the house in a Koopa suit. It is extremely
realistic; we wouldn't even know it was Luigi if not for the
fact that Mario has just referred to him as Luigi. The only
difference anyone would notice is that the Koopa Luigi is a
little taller than a normal Koopa.
MARIO
Okay, let's give it a try!
A Mushroomer comes by.
MUSHROOMER
Hi Luigi.
The Mushroom walks away. Mario and Luigi stare after him.
MARIO
Okay, so one person-
A large group of Mushroomers all walk by Mario and Luigi. One
is in front of them and is walking backwards while addressing
the others, as he is obviously a tour guide.
TOUR GUIDE
And to your left you will see
Luigi!
The Mushroomers pass by. Mario and Luigi stare in shock.
MARIO
How is this possible? It's such a
great disguise.
Toad walks up to Mario.
TOAD
Hey, Mario! What are you doing with
this Koopa?
MARIO
Wait, you don't recognize him as
Luigi?
TOAD
Well, no. Who would?
MARIO
All those Mushroomers.
Another large group of Mushroomers walk by. One is again in
the front while walking backward and addressing the others.
TOUR GUIDE
And to your left you will see Luigi,
Toad, and some Koopa. Hey, Luigi,
why are you with this Koopa?
MARIO
Uh, I'm Mario.
HEAD MUSHROOMER
Really? Oops.
The crowd goes by.
TOAD
Recently a large number of
Mushroomers have become red/green
colorblind.
MARIO
Wouldn't they notice the
differences in our heights and the
fact I have an M on my cap, not an
L?
TOAD
Well, those Mushroomers have also
been stricken with dyslexia and bad
eyesight.
LUIGI
What?! How can they have all those
ailments?
TOAD
We're not sure.
MARIO
(stroking mustache)
Well, my plumber's intuition says
that it has something to do with
the destruction of Castle Koopa.
That makes this mission even more
urgent! Luigi?
LUIGI
Yes?
MARIO
Get undercover right now! Find and
infiltrate their operation!
LUIGI
Finally! I get to go on an
adventure while you protect the
Kingdom!
Luigi leaves.
TOAD
Why are you usually the one who
goes out on the adventures?
MARIO
Well, I'm the older brother.
TOAD
Aren't you twins?
MARIO
Well, one twin is born before the
other twin. So I'm slightly older
than Luigi.
TOAD
(nodding with
understanding)
Oh, now I understand.
INT. BAR - DAY
The Koopalings all enter a very busy bar.
IGGY
Aren't we too young to be in a bar?
LUDWIG
Don't be preposterous. All the bars
around here only serve water, milk,
coffee, hot chocolate, and juice.
Why wouldn't we be able to use
that?
The Koopalings all sit at a table.
LARRY
Okay, I'd welcome any ideas anyone
might have!
Luigi, in the Koopa disguise, enters the bar and sits on a
stool.
LUIGI
Uh... I'd like some juice.
BARKEEPER
Any kind of juice?
LUIGI
I don't care. I need something to
drown my sorrows in.
The barkeeper gives Luigi a glass of orange juice. Luigi
quickly drinks it.
BARKEEPER
Why are you so upset?
LUIGI
Bowser fired me for no good reason.
Man, I'd LOVE to somehow get back
at him! But it's not like there's
some organization I could join to
do so. Well, thanks for the drink.
Luigi gives the barkeeper some coins and leaves. On his way
out, he's stopped by a Goomba.
GOOMBA
Can I talk to you? Outside?
LUIGI
Sure!
EXT. BAR - DAY
The two leave the bar and talk behind a tree.
GOOMBA
So... you want revenge on Bowser,
you say?
LUIGI
Uh, well I really hate him for
firing me, but that revenge part
was just the orange juice talking.
GOOMBA
Are you sure?
LUIGI
Why?
GOOMBA
Because I could probably help you
get that revenge.
LUIGI
His castle was already destroyed!
GOOMBA
But Bowser and his army are still
around! And I bet you hate the
Mushroom Kingdom, too!
LUIGI
Huh?
GOOMBA
Well, you're a Koopa, and they
don't like Koopas.
LUIGI
Actually, that is a misconception.
You see, the reason Mario only
encountered evil Koopas on his
adventures originally was because
none of the good ones were out
attacking him. But there are plenty
of good ones around, as evidenced
by the fact that he joined up with
some in-
Luigi notices the Goomba is staring at him.
LUIGI
But that doesn't matter. I guess I
am pretty mad at the Mushroom
Kingdom because they dislike me
because I was in Bowser's army.
GOOMBA
So you want revenge on Bowser and
the Mushroom Kingdom?
LUIGI
Well, I don't know if I want to go
as far as to get revenge... there is
that whole "turn the other cheek"
adage and-
The Goomba kicks Luigi on one cheek.
GOOMBA
Okay, ready to turn the other one
and let me kick it?
LUIGI
Uh, not really.
GOOMBA
See? Revenge is a good thing! It's
a dish best served cold!
LUIGI
What does that even mean?
GOOMBA
Uh... I don't know. But are you in?
LUIGI
I guess so.
GOOMBA
All right! Because I recruited
someone, that means I get a
discount on all purchases in our
secret lair! Let's go!
LUIGI
Uh... hang on a second. I have
some... uh... business to take care
of.
GOOMBA
The bathroom is in the back.
LUIGI
Okay!
Luigi dashes around the other side of the bar. He takes a
walkie-talkie out of the shell he's in and turns it on.
LUIGI
(into walkie-talkie)
Okay, Mario, I think I'm in. That
"playing hard to get" routine
worked really well. If I looked too
eager they might think it was a
trap. I probably won't be able to
contact you for a while, but this
is to tell you that phase one is
complete.
Luigi turns the walkie-talkie off and puts it back in the
shell, then goes back to the front of the bar.
GOOMBA
That was quick.
LUIGI
Uh, yeah. Okay, let's get going to
revenge!
Luigi and the Goomba both leave.
INT. BAR - DAY
The Koopalings are still at the table.
LARRY
Did you notice those two? That
Koopa and that Goomba?
WENDY
You mean the really ugly ones?
LARRY
I meant the two that were talking
and then left together.
WENDY
Well, they were pretty darn ugly.
LARRY
Well, I heard something about
revenge and Bowser. I'm sure they
know something about what happened
and how the castle was destroyed.
ROY
Why do we even care? We're
banished, remember?
MORTON
Think, Roy! We're banished because
we're in trouble, right? Well, if
we find out who's behind this whole
thing and bring them to justice, if
you call what would end up happening
to them justice, then surely we
would be forgiven and un-banished.
Therefore, it is clearly in our
best interests to do so, as it
seems to be the only way of getting
the banishment lifted.
LUDWIG
That does appear to be the superior
modus operandi.
WENDY
Oh, why does it matter? The
castle's destroyed anyway.
LEMMY
It can be rebuilt.
WENDY
Oh, I'm sure we can live out
here... that is, not in the castle.
LEMMY
That isn't such a bad idea! I mean,
sure, we'll have to get jobs so we
can get money to pay for things,
but it shouldn't be so bad.
WENDY
What?
LEMMY
Well, we'd have to work pretty hard
to get money. Then we'd have to
carefully budget it and not be able
to buy every single thing we want.
WENDY
LET'S GET UN-BANISHED! NOW!
LEMMY
Somehow I had a feeling she would
say that.
MORTON
So therefore I would highly
recommend that we go and follow
that Goomba and that Koopa Troopa,
although that Koopa Troopa seems
somewhat familiar somehow. Don't
ask me why, there's just something
vaguely familiar, though I can't
put my finger on it. Regardless, we
should go after them as soon as
possible before they get too far
away. In other words, rather than
sitting here and engaging in
pointless babble, we should go out
right now and follow them!
ROY
Meaning?
MORTON
Meaning that we'd better go follow
them RIGHT NOW or we're going to
lose the only lead we have on this!
If you had been paying attention,
you would've known what I was
talking about! Weren't you
listening to me at all?
LEMMY
Not really. When you talk, we all
tend to zone out.
LARRY
Morton's right, though! The time is
for action! The time is for leaving
and following them! NOW!
The Koopalings all leave.
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