Lemmy's Land: The Screenplay

By Lord Seth

               EXT. WOODS - DAY

               The Koopalings are all walking through the woods.

                                   ROY
                         Explain to me again why we're
                         here.

                                   LARRY
                         Well, we're following them. But
                         while we were engaging in all that
                         talking, they got pretty far ahead,
                         which isn't necessarily a bad
                         thing, because we don't want them
                         to know they're being followed. I'm
                         really sneaky, of course, so I've
                         managed to pick up their trail. We
                         should be there soon!

               All of the Koopalings suddenly fall into a pit trap, except
               for Larry.

                                   LARRY
                         Uh, don't worry, guys! I'll get you
                         out of there in a second!

               A great number of people are heard approaching.

                                   LARRY
                         Uh, make that quite a bit more
                         time! I'm out of here!

               Larry runs off. A great number of Goombas and Koopa Troopas
               walk up to the hole the Koopalings are in and surround it.

                                   LEMMY
                         I have a bad feeling about this.
 

               EXT. GRASSY PLAIN - DAY

               The Koopalings are being forced to walk with their hands up
               in front of the group of Goombas and Koopa Troopas, who are
               all pointing their weapons at the Koopalings.

                                   ROY
                         Man, I wish this was a game of
                         football.

                                   WENDY
                         Why?

                                   ROY
                         Because then I could totally
                         destroy them.

                                   IGGY
                         But this isn't a game of football.

                                   ROY
                         Yeah, but still!

                                   LUDWIG
                             (to Koopa Troopa)
                         Might I inquire as to where we are
                         heading?

                                   KOOPA TROOPA
                         Yes.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Well, where are we heading?

                                   KOOPA TROOPA
                         I'm not telling you.

                                   MORTON
                         But you clearly just said that you
                         would tell him, and you-

                                   KOOPA TROOPA
                         I said he could ask. I never said I
                         would tell.

                                   IGGY
                         I hate it when they do that.
 

               INT. FORTRESS - CORRIDOR - DAY

               The Koopalings are all led down a corridor in the fortress.
               Various Koopas, Goombas, and Mushroomers all watch them go
               by. Luigi is one of the Koopas there.

                                   LUIGI
                             (to himself)
                         They captured the Koopalings?! I've
                         got to get word of this to Mario!
                         But how? These guys have put up
                         some kind of special field around
                         here that makes it so that ANY
                         communication in or out is
                         monitored.

               A Mushroomer who is clearly of some importance enters the
               corridor.

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         Don't forget about the important
                         speech you're all required to
                         listen to later today! Except for
                         people on active duty! Fourteen
                         hundred hours sharp in the meeting
                         room! Be there or be late!

               The Mushroomer passes by them.
 

               EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - DAY

               Koopa Castle is still mostly destroyed, but Goombas and
               Koopas Troops are reconstructing it. Bowser is talking to a
               Hammer Brother.

                                   BOWSER
                         So, how long until this place is
                         fixed?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         At our current rate... about a year.

                                   BOWSER
                         A YEAR?!

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Well, about half our forces
                         deserted recently.

                                   BOWSER
                         Deserted the army?! Where did they
                         go?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         I'm not quite sure. Why don't we
                         get your kids back? Maybe they
                         could speed up the process.

                                   BOWSER
                         No! I'm done with those stupid
                         brats! They drove me crazy! Well,
                         what about our intelligence
                         division?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         They were the first to desert.

                                   BOWSER
                         So you're saying we have no
                         intelligence? We're all morons?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                             (sighs)
                         "Intelligence" in this case just
                         means things like spying. It
                         doesn't mean actual intelligence in
                         terms of how smart someone is.

                                   BOWSER
                         Then why is it called intelligence?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Because another usage for the word
                         "intelligence" is meaning
                         information gathered for military
                         or political reasons.

                                   BOWSER
                         But why confuse people like me, who
                         have trouble keeping track of words
                         with dual meanings?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         I didn't make the language!

                                   BOWSER
                         Then who did? I want to lodge a
                         formal complaint!

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         That's it! I quit! I can't stand
                         talking to you! I'm going to
                         wherever those other guys went!

               The Hammer Brother storms off.

                                   BOWSER
                         Huh. Maybe I should cut all of the
                         troops' pay. Then they'll work
                         harder to get their salaries back
                         to what they were like before!
                         Yeah, that will definitely work!
                         I'm a genius!
 

               EXT. WOODS - DAY

               Larry is walking through the woods.

                                   LARRY
                         Darn it! I have to rescue my
                         siblings! But I don't know where
                         they are!

               Lord Seth walks up to Larry.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Uh, hi Larry. Have you seen Lemmy
                         anywhere?

                                   LARRY
                         He was just captured along with
                         Iggy, Morton, Wendy, Ludwig, and
                         Roy by a bunch of Goombas and
                         Koopas.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Where did they go? I have to talk
                         to Lemmy immediately!

                                   LARRY
                         I don't know where they were taken!

                                   LORD SETH
                         I thought you were the sneaky one
                         who could pick up on a trail really
                         easily! Especially one left by such
                         a large group!

                                   LARRY
                         Well, I kinda had to get really far
                         away because I didn't want to get
                         captured. And then they left some
                         guards around where my siblings
                         were captured, so I couldn't try to
                         pick up the trail from there.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Well, if you see Lemmy, tell him I
                         have an important thing to tell
                         him.

                                   LARRY
                         Can't you help me out?

                                   LORD SETH
                         Sorry. Too busy in my sidequest to
                         find Lemmy and tell him this
                         important thing.

               Lord Seth leaves.

                                   LARRY
                         Well, I clearly need some kind of
                         help. But who could I possibly get
                         this help from? I can't get help
                         from Bowser or the Koopas, because
                         he banished me... and Lord Seth is
                         out of the question. Not like he
                         would've been much help anyway, as
                         he's completely crazy. So who is
                         there left?

               Larry seems to think this over. This his face falls.

                                   LARRY
                         Oh, crud.
 

               EXT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - ENTRANCE - DAY

               Larry walks up to the entrance. Various Mushroomer guards are
               there.

                                   LARRY
                         Uh... I come in peace!

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         Oh, yeah right. Like we're going to
                         fall for THAT again!

                                   LARRY
                         No, really! I come with... uh,
                         actually a request. I need help.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         Right. And we should listen to your
                         because why?

                                   LARRY
                         I didn't want to resort to
                         this... well, actually I did. Ahem.
                         Remember that time when there was
                         that party that most of the guards
                         went to, but as a practical joke
                         Lemmy filled the place with some
                         kind of gas that Ludwig made that
                         makes everyone act really crazy,
                         and then everyone decided to dress
                         up really goofy? You know, so bad
                         that it would be embarrassing if
                         anyone saw them?

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         Your point?

                                   LARRY
                         I took a few novelty photos of the
                         event.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         You didn't!

                                   LARRY
                         Yes, I did. And if you don't let me
                         in, they're going global!

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                             (sighs)
                         Fine, fine. But you're going to be
                         escorted by a bunch of guards!
                         Don't get any foolish ideas about
                         wrecking the castle!

                                   LARRY
                         Oh, don't worry. I won't get them.
                         I already have them.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         That doesn't really reassure me.

                                   LARRY
                         Too bad! Now take me to Peach! Or
                         Mario! Or someone of importance!

               Mario walks out.

                                   MARIO
                         What's going on here? Why is Larry
                         here?

                                   LARRY
                         Mario! I need to ask you for your
                         help!

                                   MARIO
                         No, I won't help you conquer the
                         Mushroom Kingdom, no matter what
                         you promise me.

               The background behind Mario suddenly starts glowing while he
               continues talking.

                                   MARIO
                         Because I can't be bribed! I can't
                         be tempted! I'm a good guy, a hero!
                         And heroes do things for good! We
                         aren't motivated by greed! We fight
                         for the cause of good because it's
                         simply the right thing to do! We-

                                   LARRY
                         Uh, Mario? That's not what I was
                         going to ask.

               The glow behind Mario suddenly stops and everything is back
               to normal.

                                   MARIO
                         Oh, sorry. What was it?

                                   LARRY
                         Well, my siblings all got kidnapped
                         by some group of Goombas and
                         Koopas. Since Bowser is still mad
                         at us, he won't help, so I needed
                         SOMEONE to help us out.

                                   MARIO
                         And why should I?

                                   LARRY
                         Because I think the group that
                         captured them is the same group
                         that destroyed Koopa Castle! And
                         they're going to come after you
                         next!

                                   MARIO
                         Unfortunately, I can't help you.

                                   LARRY
                         What? Why?

                                   MARIO
                         Uh, top secret. All I can say is
                         that I'm required to stay here, in
                         the Mushroom Kingdom, at least for
                         the time being.

                                   LARRY
                         I can't believe it! You won't help
                         me just because I've tried to kill
                         you several times in the past! How
                         shallow can you get?

               Larry storms off.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         Is that why you wouldn't help him?

                                   MARIO
                         No, I actually did have a reason.
                         And it actually was top secret.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         What was it?

                                   MARIO
                         Sorry, top secret.

               Mario leaves.

                                   MUSHROOMER GUARD
                         I hope I get that promotion soon.
                         I'm tired of only hearing things
                         that are bottom secret.
 

               INT. FORTRESS - AUDITORIUM - DAY

               A very large amount of Koopas, Goombas, and Mushroomers sit
               in the audience. Luigi is one of them.

                                   LUIGI
                         Good... Maybe I'll find out more
                         about what's going on now.

               The Mushroomer who previously made the announcement about the
               meeting walks up to the stage.

                                   MUSHROOMER
                         And may I now present to you... our
                         leader... the man who has created
                         this group with his vision... the
                         great, excellent, Smithy Jr!

               There is a great amount of clapping from the audience as
               Smithy Jr, who looks like a younger version of Smithy, walks
               onto the stage.

                                   LUIGI
                         What?! Him? Again?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Greetings, one and all! How many of
                         you are tired of Bowser's tyranny
                         and imbecility?

               Most of the Goombas and Koopas cheer.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         And how many of you are fed up with
                         living under a monarchy, rather
                         than a government that chooses its
                         leaders by their competence, rather
                         than their DNA?

               Most of the Mushroomers, along with a few Goombas and Koopas,
               all cheer.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         And how many of you are here for
                         other reasons that I won't mention
                         because there are too many possible
                         reasons?

               The rest of the audience cheers.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         And how many of you are secretly
                         working for those governments and
                         are spying on us?

               Crickets chirp.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         I knew it! THE CRICKETS ARE SPYING
                         ON US!

               Some guards rush in and search the auditorium for crickets.
               They grab the crickets and rush out.

                                   LUIGI
                             (thinking)
                         Darn it! There go our cricket
                         listening devices!

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         I suppose this gives new meaning to
                         the phrase "bugged"!

               The audience laughs at this.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         Silliness aside, it's time to make
                         our move! We've destroyed Koopa
                         Castle, but that was just the first
                         part! The Mushroom Kingdom didn't
                         agree to the very reasonable peace
                         treaty I sent them, so it's time
                         for us to ATTACK THEM!

               The audience again cheers.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         At noon tomorrow, we're going to go
                         and attack them! We're moving out
                         at eleven thirty in the morning so
                         we'll be there at about twelve
                         o'clock! LET'S GET READY!

               The audience all stampedes out. Luigi follows them.
 

               EXT. FORTRESS - DAY

               Luigi exits the front of the fortress. There are large
               numbers of guards (Koopas, Goombas, and Mushroomers) around
               it. One stops him.

                                   GUARD
                         Hey, where are you going?

                                   LUIGI
                         I... uh... have some business to
                         attend to in the woods.

                                   GUARD
                         We have bathrooms in the fortress.

                                   LUIGI
                         Not THAT kind of business.

                                   GUARD
                         Well, what kind?

                                   LUIGI
                         Well... uh...

               A beeping is heard.

                                   GUARD
                         Hang on a second.
                             (takes out phone and turns
                              it on)
                         Yes?
                             (listens to phone)
                         Really? Well, okay.
                             (hangs up)
                         Well, I suppose you can go and do
                         whatever it is you want.

                                   LUIGI
                         Thank you!

               Luigi leaves.

                                   GUARD
                         I don't understand why they said we
                         should let people leave without
                         much argument... but I suppose the
                         boss knows best.
 

               INT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - DINING ROOM - DAY

               Mario is sitting at a table, eating some food. A beeping is
               heard. He takes a walkie-talkie out of his pocket, turns it
               on, and listens to it.

                                   MARIO
                         Hey, Luigi! What do you know?
                             (pauses as he listens)
                         What?! Smithy Jr. again? I thought
                         we got rid of him back when we had
                         that whole adventure with the
                         scrolls of power!

               Lord Seth walks up to Mario.

                                   LORD SETH
                             (to viewer)
                         I would like to remind you that
                         this person is NOT the tourist on
                         Lemmy's Land who has the same name.
                         They are two different people who
                         have the same name by coincidence.
                         And now back to finding Lemmy!

               Lord Seth walks off. Mario stares after him, then starts
               talking into the walkie-talkie again.

                                   MARIO
                         Sorry about that. It was just Lord
                         Seth again. Anyway, what were you
                         saying?
                             (listens some more)
                         They're attacking at noon
                         TOMORROW?! We'll be ready for that!
                         Get back to your position there,
                         though, before they get suspicious!
                             (listens more)
                         What? A treaty? He never proposed
                         any treaty. He must have made that
                         up in order to rally the troops.

               Mario turns off the walkie-talkie and puts it back in his
               pocket.

                                   MARIO
                         Definitely a good thing I didn't
                         leave the Mushroom Kingdom when
                         Larry asked me to! I have to stay
                         here and protect it! A shame I
                         couldn't tell him I had to stay
                         here because Luigi wasn't here, but
                         that would be revealing important
                         secrets to an enemy.
 

               INT. FORTRESS - DUNGEON - DAY

               All the Koopalings, except Larry, are all in the dungeon.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Okay, we need to find a way out of
                         here.

                                   ROY
                         We already tried bending the bars
                         and breaking down the walls. What
                         else is there?

                                   IGGY
                         Don't forget that we tried to bribe
                         the guards.

                                   WENDY
                         Well, too bad that didn't work!

                                   LEMMY
                         It's hard to bribe them when you
                         don't actually have anything.

                                   MORTON
                         I've got a plan, and it's a really
                         good one! Definitely better than
                         the plans you mentioned! This plan
                         is sure to work! Well, maybe not,
                         but it has a better chance of
                         working than those other ones!
                         Plus, it requires very little work!
                         It's a great plan! You know it's
                         great because I thought of it! Very
                         simple.

                                   IGGY
                         And what is this "plan" of yours?

                                   MORTON
                         We do nothing and wait to be
                         rescued. Yep, that's it. Do
                         absolutely nothing but stay here,
                         and then wait to be rescue. The
                         previous two sentences, along with
                         this one, were completely
                         unnecessary, but I need to stay in
                         character by talking too much.

               The other Koopalings stare at Morton.

                                   MORTON
                         Well, I thought it was definitely a
                         good plan. I mean, it has a better
                         chance of succeeding than those
                         other ones, and it requires almost
                         no work! Really, what's not to like
                         about it?

                                   LEMMY
                         The plan itself?

                                   MORTON
                         Ha! Unless you think of another
                         plan, you're stuck with my plan!
                         Because if you don't have a
                         different plan, you're using my
                         plan without even trying! Cool,
                         huh?

                                   ROY
                         Morton?

                                   MORTON
                         Yes, sibling who just said my name?

                                   ROY
                         Shut up.

                                   MORTON
                         Okay. I will shut up! I will be the
                         master of shutting up! I will be
                         the greatest at it! As soon as I
                         stop talking, that is!

               Roy hits Morton on the head, and Morton collapses.

                                   ROY
                         Ah, violence. The answer to all
                         problems.
 

               INT. FORTRESS - AUDITORIUM - DAY

               The audience is once again in the auditorium, and Smithy Jr.
               is once again onstage. Luigi is again in the audience.

                                   LUIGI
                         What's going on? Why are we back
                         here?

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         As you may have noticed, it is now
                         nine o'clock. And we're going to go
                         attack the Mushroom Kingdom RIGHT
                         NOW! I said that it was twelve
                         o'clock back then so that any spies
                         would get thrown off.

               Some guards go up to Luigi. Luigi notices them.

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh oh.

               What happens to Luigi afterward is not shown. The camera only
               shows Smithy Jr. continuing his speech.

                                   SMITHY JR.
                         LET'S GO! VENGEANCE SHALL BE OURS!

               Everyone from the audience runs out.
 

               INT. FORTRESS - DUNGEON - DAY

               Luigi and a few Goombas, Koopas, and Mushroomers are all in
               the dungeon, though in a different cell than the one the
               Koopalings were in. A Hammer Brother guard is talking to
               them.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Okay! You guys were all ones who
                         temporarily left the fortress
                         between the speeches. Therefore, at
                         least one of you is a spy who
                         communicated the plans to the
                         Mushroom Kingdom.

                                   LUIGI
                         Wait. How would you know if the
                         plans went to the Mushroom Kingdom?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Sorry, top secret. Well, actually,
                         it's because of our spies. Anyway,
                         you're all here to ensure that
                         whichever of you are spies won't
                         contact the Mushroom Kingdom. Sorry
                         about the ones who aren't spies,
                         but we can't be too careful.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Oh, we understand. You can't be too
                         careful.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Now we'll just scan you...

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh oh.

               The guard takes a machine out and points it at the people in
               the cell. When he points it at Luigi, it starts beeping.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         What? This can't be! According to
                         this, you're actually a human!

                                   LUIGI
                         Uh, I'm sure it must be
                         malfunctioning.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Not necessarily... but where are
                         there any HUMANS in the Mushroom
                         Kingdom that would be spying on us?
                         The only ones we know about
                         are... are... You must be one of
                         the plumbers, Mario or Luigi!

                                   LUIGI
                         I think I liked the malfunctioning
                         explanation better.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Hey, you other people in the cell?
                         Let's double check. Take off that
                         costume of his... if it is a
                         costume.

               The other members of the cell all grab Luigi and pull on his
               disguise. It's ripped apart, revealing Luigi.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Aha! I knew it!

               The guard throws a few hammers at Luigi, knocking him out. He
               opens the cell door and drags the unconscious Luigi out.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         I'm going to take this spy to a
                         different cell, a really tough one
                         to escape from this time.

                                   GOOMBA
                         Why wouldn't you do that with us?
                         You know, to make sure we don't
                         escape, in case we are spies?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         We don't have many of those
                         "really, really tough to escape
                         from" cells, and the only one big
                         enough to fit all of you guys is
                         already being used for someone
                         else. We'll have to transfer Luigi
                         to another cell in that block. But
                         this works even better for us! If
                         Luigi's here, that means we only
                         have Mario to contend with! We're
                         sure to win!

               The Hammer Brother starts laughing evilly.

Read on!

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