INT. FORTRESS - CORRIDOR - DAY
They all walk through the corridor.
LARRY
Okay, now let's find that database.
Now, if I were an evil robot
creature, where would I keep my
central database?
IGGY
In a computer?
LARRY
(sarcastically)
Thank you! Now could someone give
me something that ISN'T a
technically correct but otherwise
useless answer?
WENDY
Ooh! Ooh! I know! I saw this on TV
or something! All evil villains
have a central database in the
center of whatever fortress they
have! It's what's "in" right now!
LUDWIG
How do you acquire this
information?
WENDY
I'm the only one who keeps up with
this stuff?
MORTON
It is then decided! We all must
find the center! If this fortress
is shaped like a circle or a
polygon that has equal sides and
equal angles, it should be easy to
figure out where it is. So, what
shape is this place in? I hope it's
a circle. Those are the easiest to
find the centers of. But squares
aren't so hard either, I
guess...so, what shape is it?
LARRY
I don't think it really has any
specific shape.
LUDWIG
Then it's clear what we must do. We
need to take the whole fortress,
attach a rope to an edge, and then
rotate the fortress until the rope
points straight down. Use a pencil
to mark where the rope was, then
pick another point on the edge and
do the same. Wherever they cross is
where the center is.
LEMMY
There's a bit of a problem with
that plan.
LUDWIG
What?
LEMMY
How are we going to hold the
fortress in that way?
LUDWIG
Oh. I hate it when my genius gets
in the way of my common sense.
LUIGI
Can I say something? I'm not
getting a chance to say much.
LARRY
Sure, go ahead.
LUIGI
Why don't we just look at one of
these directories they have up?
Luigi points to a map behind him. There is a red dot on part
of it that is labeled "You Are Here." A Goomba comes by and
looks at it.
GOOMBA
Which one of us does it correspond
to? I mean, if we move, the dot
moves with us, right?
LARRY
No.
ROY
Even I knew that.
GOOMBA
Darn it!
The Goomba leaves.
LUIGI
Look! It says "central database"
right here on the map!
LEMMY
What if it's a trap?
ROY
Good point! I nominate Iggy to go
into the room first!
IGGY
Why is it always me?
ROY
Because I don't like you.
IGGY
Why do you dislike me?
ROY
Do I really have to give you a
list?
LUIGI
Okay, it's obvious that we're not
going to get anywhere as a group.
So I say we should split into two
groups. That should hopefully lower
the amount of infighting going on
this group.
There is a pause, then all the Koopalings stare at Luigi in
wonderment.
LUIGI
What?
LUDWIG
Why didn't I ever envisage that?
That's brilliant!
LUIGI
Uh...yeah. Okay, Roy, Wendy, and
Morton are with me. The others are
in another group. My group will go
in to the database, and the others
will search the fortress for a
different database, in case this
one is a decoy.
LARRY
What if you guys get caught?
LUIGI
Have you noticed how everyone who
works here is acting tremendously
stupid?
LARRY
Yeah, but not so stupid that they
wouldn't even-
A Spiny walks by.
SPINY
Hi, guys! Hi, Luigi! Nice to see
you!
The Spiny walks away.
LARRY
Doesn't count. Spiny is always a
moron.
WENDY
That Spiny in particular or all
Spinies?
LARRY
Wait! Here comes someone else!
A Mushroomer walks by.
MUSHROOMER
Hi, guys!
The Mushroomer walks away.
LARRY
Uh...that actually is pretty
stupid. You may have a point. I
don't think I even need this
anymore.
Larry removes the Buzzy Beetle shell.
LUIGI
Okay! Let's go!
Luigi, Morton, Roy, and Wendy go off in one direction. Larry,
Ludwig, Lemmy, and Iggy go off in another.
INT. FORTRESS - DATABASE ROOM - DAY
The door leading into the room opens and Luigi, Morton, Roy,
and Wendy enter.
LUIGI
This looks authentic to me. Okay,
let's see what it says.
Luigi presses a button.
COMPUTER
Enter password!
LUIGI
Uh-oh.
COMPUTER
Repeat! Enter password!
LUIGI
Uh...I have no idea?
COMPUTER
Password correct!
LUIGI
Phew! That was close!
COMPUTER
But voice pattern incorrect!
ROY
Don't worry! I know how to handle
this!
(to computer)
Hey! If you don't let us access
that database, we're going to turn
you into scrap metal!
COMPUTER
Uh...um...second password correct!
Voice pattern problem has been
overriden. Enjoy looking over a
bunch of notes.
The four go over to a screen and start reading text on it.
LUIGI
Here's something about a death
ray...let's see...oh, never mind,
his plan with the death ray didn't
work because the death ray itself
didn't work. Apparently it was the
high school science project of some
guy named David Seth. But it didn't
work.
WENDY
David Seth? Does he have anything
to do with Lord Seth?
LUIGI
No, no relation. They're two
completely different people. Well,
that's no good. Keep looking.
The four keep reading the screen and pressing various
buttons.
LUIGI
Hang on a minute...go back there...
Morton presses a button.
MORTON
Wow! This is excellent to have
found out! This solves the problem!
Well, not really, but it gives us a
lot of information, and-
ROY
Shut up!
WENDY
Yeah, Morton. Shut up!
MORTON
Okay, okay! Sorry. Sheesh...just
talk on and on and on and on and on
and on and suddenly everyone is mad
at you.
LUIGI
We've got to find the others and
give them this information! Where
are they? Hey, computer! Where are
they?
COMPUTER
Hey, I may be a supercomputer, but
I can't monitor where everyone is.
Go forward a few centuries to the
world of Star Trek: The Next
Generation and use one of THEIR
computers.
WENDY
What's Star Trek: The Next
Generation?
ROY
I don't know! I don't pay attention
to that kind of thing!
WENDY
If you didn't know, wouldn't it
have been easier to not say
anything?
MORTON
Exactly! If you don't have anything
worthwhile to say, don't say
anything at all! Absolutely!
Obviously people who just babble on
with no rhyme or reason to it are
really annoying and-
Roy hits Morton and Wendy on the head, knocking them out.
LUIGI
Maybe we should have split into
three teams instead of two...
INT. FORTRESS - EMPTY ROOM - DAY
The door leading to the room opens. Larry, Iggy, Lemmy, and
Ludwig are all outside.
LARRY
Darn it! An empty room!
LEMMY
We've been looking in all these
rooms. Nothing's here.
LARRY
Maybe the original data room wasn't
a trap after all.
IGGY
Hang on a minute! I think I
remember something like this from
somewhere. The room SEEMED to be
empty, but there was a secret
passage or something!
LUDWIG
Correct me if I'm fallacious, but I
believe that there's a low prospect
of that.
IGGY
Could you stop with the complicated
talk?
LUDWIG
What? I thought I was dumbing it
down considerably.
LARRY
Well, only one way to find
out...let's go in.
The Koopalings all enter. Suddenly the floor they're on falls
down and they fall down with it.
INT. CAVE - DAY
The Koopalings all fall into a cave.
LEMMY
That was unexpected.
IGGY
Oh, I hope we don't run into any
monsters! I keep having this
horrible nightmare where I'm in a
cave just like this one, and then
red eyes appear out of the dark,
just like those ones!
Iggy points towards red eyes that appear in the dark.
IGGY
No, wait. Sorry. It was yellow eyes
in the nightmare.
The eyes turn yellow.
IGGY
No, wait, maybe they were red.
The eyes turn red.
IGGY
Or maybe-
LARRY
Could we just see who the eyes
belong to?
A monster emerges from the dark. It has a very large mouth
and has the red eyes.
LARRY
What happened in that dream of
yours?
IGGY
I think I ran like crazy.
LARRY
Then that's what we're doing!
The Koopalings all scream and run away from the monster,
which starts running after them. This continues for a few
seconds. They come to a dead end that's next to a small
river.
LUDWIG
Uh-oh. I believe we have arrived at
a cul-de-sac.
IGGY
A WHAT?!
LUDWIG
A dead end.
LEMMY
Please, PLEASE, no one make a pun
about dead and dead end.
The monster goes up to the Koopalings and growls. Then it
suddenly stops and takes a drink from the river.
IGGY
Huh. This isn't what happened in my
dream.
LEMMY
And what, pray tell, did happen?
IGGY
The monster ate me alive and I
spent a thousand years being
digested!
LUDWIG
I recollect this monster! It always
drinks water before it consumes
someone.
The monster stops drinking water and turns back towards the
Koopalings. Then it suddenly stops. It jumps into the water
and is swept away by the current.
LARRY
WHAT just happened?
IGGY
Maybe the water was filled with
some kind of thing that made the
monster realize that it was doing
horrible things and...well, being a
monster. So the monster threw
itself into the river to make sure
it didn't eat us.
LARRY
That is an extremely stupid
explanation.
IGGY
Says you.
LUDWIG
May I recommend that we leave this
cavern? It is probable that there
are more of-
Suddenly a great deal of monsters go up to the Koopalings.
LARRY
(to monsters)
Uh...um...hey, don't you want a
drink of water before you eat us?
Larry points towards the stream. The monsters all take a
drink, then jump into the stream and are carried away by the
current.
LARRY
Hey, maybe that thing about the
"peaceful" thing in the water was
true after all...
LEMMY
How the heck are we going to get
out of here anyway?
LUDWIG
Simple. First we go back to where
we fell into here.
IGGY
Finally you're using words we
understand!
LUDWIG
It's really annoying to have to
dumb down everything I say so much!
You'd better appreciate it!
The Koopalings all walk over to where they were before. They
look up at the hole in the ceiling.
LEMMY
Okay...now what?
LUDWIG
We stand on each other's shoulders
to get up.
LEMMY
How would that get all of us up?
LUDWIG
It wouldn't. The person who is the
highest of us would find a rope,
bring it here, lower it, and then
we'd climb up it.
LARRY
Okay! I nominate myself to be the
one who gets the rope!
IGGY
Sure, why not? You're the sneaky
one.
Ludwig goes over to the wall. Lemmy climbs onto his
shoulders. Iggy climbs onto Lemmy's shoulders. Then Larry
climbs onto Lemmy's shoulders. He is able to just barely
reach the top and gets up.
INT. FORTRESS - EMPTY ROOM - DAY
Larry climbs up out of the cave.
LARRY
(calling down)
Okay, I'll be back in a minute!
Larry leaves.
INT. CAVE - DAY
Ludwig, Iggy, and Lemmy are still in the cave.
IGGY
I hope he comes back soon with that
rope. I hate caves.
A rope is suddenly lowered.
IGGY
That was quick.
The three climb up the rope.
INT. FORTRESS - EMPTY ROOM - DAY
The three reach the top and climb out. Larry is waiting for
them.
LARRY
Phew! I was afraid the rope
wouldn't hold! Now we have to find
Luigi and the others.
INT. FORTRESS - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE EMPTY ROOM - DAY
Larry, Ludwig, Iggy, and Lemmy are standing outside the empty
room, in the corridor.
LEMMY
Fine. Where are they?
Luigi, Wendy, Roy, and Morton all walk up to them.
LUIGI
About time we found you! What were
you doing, hanging out in a cave or
something?
LARRY
Pretty much.
MORTON
You won't believe what we found
out. It's amazing! It's incredible!
It's astonishing! It's a major plot
twist! I'd better shut up so we can
just tell you!
LUIGI
It turns out that Smithy Jr. used
some substance to make people obey
him without question. And somehow
the more people who are affected by
this, the stronger he gets. It has
the side effect of making them
incredibly stupid, though.
ROY
Which explains the stupidity we've
been encountering lately!
LUIGI
But it didn't say how he's
affecting the people with it.
MORTON
Oh, and in case you're wondering
why it isn't affecting us, I'll
tell you. It's pretty interesting.
Apparently it only affects generic
characters, you know, like normal
Goombas or Koopas or Mushroomers.
So we're immune to it, at least
now, because we're unique and
important characters. It was a bug
they weren't able to fix.
LUDWIG
Wait a minute...remember how those
monsters drank the water, and then
threw themselves into the water?
That sounds like a sign of
stupidity to me.
LARRY
Of course! He must have put it in
the water! That's how he got
everyone affected by it!
LUIGI
The good news is that it affects
different people at different
rates, meaning some are affected
immediately and in some others it's
slower. See, at first they only act
a little stupid and a little loyal
to him, but then they get more and
more stupid. Sometimes people
develop color blindness and
dyslexia as an additional side
effect. Anyway, the fact it affects
different people at different paces
is why not everyone is under his
spell yet. The bad news is that
eventually everyone will be
affected by it...all the generic
characters, anyway. Oh, and it gets
worse.
LEMMY
(rolls eyes)
Let me guess. If we don't fix it
all within twenty-four hours, it
becomes permanent?
LUIGI
Well, actually seventy-two hours.
LUDWIG
Only seventy-two hours? This looks
like a job for...Dr. Physics!
Ludwig rushes off, them comes back wearing a doctor's outfit.
WENDY
Where did you get that doctor's
outfit?
LUDWIG
Why does it matter?
LUIGI
Okay! So we need to find an
antidote, get it into the water
supply, but do it quickly enough so
that it will manage to affect
everyone quickly enough so that
they don't become permanent slaves
to Smithy Jr.
LUDWIG
I have some bad news, though.
LUIGI
What?
LUDWIG
According to my calculations, it
will take about forty-eight hours
for the antidote to cure everyone
once put in all the various water
sources. So we actually do have
only twenty-four hours.
ROY
And you didn't tell us this before
why?
LUDWIG
Because I just got here.
ROY
What?
LUDWIG
I'm Dr. Physics! Ludwig was the guy
who was here previously. People
seem to get us all mixed up for
some reason.
There is a pause. Then Roy hits Ludwig on the head twice, and
Ludwig collapses.
LEMMY
The real question is, how do we
find the original formula? We can't
devise an antidote until we know
that, and that wasn't in the
database.
ROY
Oh, that's simple. We just get
Ludwig to analyze the water.
WENDY
You just knocked him out!
ROY
Oh. Well, how about I analyze it
instead?
There is a pause. Then everyone starts laughing hysterically.
ROY
I suppose I deserved that.
LUIGI
In the meantime, we have to go
rescue Mario and the others!
ROY
Why?
LUIGI
Because Smithy Jr. will probably
kill them, and we can't allow that!
ROY
Doesn't sound like good enough a
reason to me.
LUIGI
And also because they, you know,
could be really helpful because
Mario is really strong.
ROY
I love it! If there's one thing I
appreciate, it's strength!
WENDY
I never thought I'd see the day
where I'd be rescuing Mario...
LUIGI
Well, I didn't expect Smithy Jr. to
come and make all these people
become his servants with this
concoction of his, and make me have
to work with you guys, but you
don't see me complaining about it!
Now let's go!
Ludwig gets up, then runs off. He comes back no longer
wearing the doctor's outfit.
LUDWIG
I'm back, everyone! That is, me,
Ludwig. Not Dr. Physics. He was the
guy who just left.
Everyone sighs.
LUDWIG
Wow. Is my reputation really that
bad? That people will sigh when I
enter?
LUIGI
Let's just go.
They all leave.
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