Lemmy's Land: The Screenplay

By Lord Seth

               FADE IN:

               EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - DAY

               Lord Seth is standing in front of the castle.

                                   LORD SETH
                         You know, actual screenplay format,
                         that is, the kind they use in
                         actual movies, is different from
                         the kind where you put someone's
                         name and then a colon and then
                         their dialogue. Instead, someone's
                         name is capitalized and then the
                         dialogue is typed out underneath.
                         The margins for dialogue are
                         different than the margins for
                         "normal" text. Well, that's part of
                         the screenplay format also. See,
                         the thing about the format is that
                         each page is roughly a minute of
                         screen time. So, say, a one hundred
                         page screenplay would be about a
                         one hundred minute-long movie.
                         Another thing is that the scene
                         headings become with "EXT." or
                         "INT." which are used to mean
                         exterior or-

               Lemmy walks up to Lord Seth.

                                   LEMMY
                         No one wants to hear about the
                         intricacies of the screenplay
                         format!

                                   LORD SETH
                         Uh, okay. Oh, if you're a Hollywood
                         agent, be sure to come on by to my
                         house! I've got a great idea for a
                         television series! See, the idea is-

                                   LEMMY
                         Uh, shouldn't you give some kind of
                         way for them to reach your house? I
                         don't know, an address? A phone
                         number? And who are you even
                         talking to?

                                   LORD SETH
                         I don't know. But I'm not giving
                         out any of that information because
                         they always say you shouldn't give
                         that out online.

                                   LEMMY
                         Why?

                                   LORD SETH
                         I have no idea, but I'm sure they,
                         whoever they are, know better than
                         me!

                                   LEMMY
                         Just get on with whatever you're
                         saying! You're technically
                         loitering, you know.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Sorry. I tend to get distracted
                         easily and...
                             (pause)
                         Ha! Bet you thought I was going to
                         be distracted by something there,
                         huh?

                                   LEMMY
                         At the current rate we're going,
                         this will take a whole
                         day...whatever it is we're even
                         doing.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Good point. What is about to happen
                         is going to be rather goofy. I
                         suppose it could be called "a goofy
                         movie".

                                   LEMMY
                         What's this about a movie?

                                   LORD SETH
                         Never mind. Unfortunately, now that
                         I think of it, the title "a goofy
                         movie" has already been taken.
                         Let's see... what is another word
                         for goofy? Let me get my
                         dictionary.

               Lord Seth walks away.

                                   LEMMY
                         I thought he would NEVER leave.

               Lemmy walks away also.
 

               INT. KOOPA CASTLE - DUNGEON - DAY

               Mario, Peach, and Luigi are all in a cell in the dungeon.
               Bowser stands outside the cell.

                                   BOWSER
                         Ha! I have finally captured all of
                         you! Now I can conquer the Mushroom
                         Kingdom!

               Bowser laughs evilly.

                                   MARIO
                         You'll never get away with this!

                                   BOWSER
                         You're probably right. But in the
                         meantime I'm going to laugh evilly.

               Bowser starts laughing evilly again.

                                   PEACH
                         What are we going to do, Mario?

                                   MARIO
                         Don't worry. Usually about this
                         time some kind of plot twist occurs
                         and-

               The side of the cell opposite from Bowser is suddenly broken
               by a bulldozer, exposing the outside. Toad is driving the
               bulldozer.

                                   BOWSER
                         What?! This cell is underground!
                         I'm going to be very mad at the
                         architect who made this castle!

               Mario, Luigi, and Peach all run out and get into the
               bulldozer, which drives off.

                                   BOWSER
                         Another failed plan! Argh!
 

               INT. KOOPA CASTLE - DUNGEON - LATER

               Bowser is standing in front of the prison cell. A Koopa is
               now in it.

                                   KOOPA
                         Uh, why am I here?

                                   BOWSER
                         The dungeon isn't crowded enough.
                         I needed someone to take up space.

                                   KOOPA
                         That doesn't make sense.

                                   BOWSER
                         I know.

                                   KOOPA
                         You know, I can just leave. You
                         didn't repair the wall.

                                   BOWSER
                         I know.

               The Koopa leaves through the open wall.

                                   BOWSER
                         Darn it! How do they always escape?
 

               INT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY

               Peach sits on the throne. Mario and Luigi are there with her.

                                   PEACH
                         You know, it occurs to me that
                         Koopa-

               A Mushroom person suddenly runs up to Peach, whispers
               something in her ear, then runs off.

                                   PEACH
                         -I mean Bowser, constantly tries
                         these attacks on us. Sometimes he
                         just kidnaps me. And sometimes he
                         manages to get Mario and/or Luigi
                         while doing so. But we ALWAYS end
                         up triumphing over him.

                                   MARIO
                         I know! Isn't it nifty?

                                   PEACH
                         Well, it makes me wonder if our
                         luck won't run out sometime.

                                   MARIO
                         Oh, come on. If Power Rangers can
                         exist for more than ten seasons,
                         and in every episode there's some
                         attack that they manage to defeat
                         often through luck, I'm sure our
                         "luck" will last.

                                   LUIGI
                         But Power Rangers is just a TV
                         show. This is real!

                                   PEACH
                         What's "Power Rangers"?

                                   LUIGI
                         Never mind.
 

               EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - DAY

               Lord Seth walks over in front of the castle, looking through
               a dictionary.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Okay, I found a word, Lemmy.
                             (looks up and sees Lemmy
                              isn't there)
                         Uh, Lemmy? Are you there?
                             (pause)
                         I'm going to have to tell Lemmy
                         about how I finally found the
                         synonym. I'd better go find him!

               Lord Seth leaves.
 

               INT. KOOPA CASTLE - MEETING ROOM - DAY

               Bowser and the Koopalings are all sitting at a round table.
               Bowser sits at the head of the table.

                                   BOWSER
                         I call this meeting of us to order!

               Bowser slams his fist onto the table, which breaks it.

                                   BOWSER
                         Oops.

                                   LARRY
                         That's the fourth table you've
                         broken today with that.

                                   BOWSER
                         Okay, I'll be sure that doesn't
                         happen again. BRING IN THE NEW
                         TABLE!

               Some Goombas and Koopa Troopas carry out the remaining pieces
               of the table, then carry a new round table in and put it
               where the old table was.

                                   BOWSER
                         I call this meeting of us to order
                         again!

               There is a pause.

                                   ROY
                         Wow... you didn't slam your hand on
                         the table.

                                   BOWSER
                         Darn it! I knew I forgot something!

               Bowser slams his fist on the table, and it breaks again.

                                   BOWSER
                         Uh... maybe we should have these
                         meetings somewhere else.
 

               INT. ROOM - DAY

               Bowser and the Koopalings are in a different room, though we
               don't know where it is. They're all seated in chairs that are
               arranged in a circle.

                                   BOWSER
                         Okay, I call this meeting to order!
                         Again! We need a plan to kidnap
                         Peach!

                                   LARRY
                         Why is it we always kidnap her?
                         What exactly do we gain from this?
                         The original time was because she
                         was the only one who could break
                         the spell, but as of late all we've
                         been doing is grabbing her and
                         hoping Mario will come and rescue
                         her, and then we'd get rid of him.
                         But we never manage to get rid of
                         him because he gets by all our
                         traps and defeats all the enemies.

                                   BOWSER
                         Exactly! That's why we need to make
                         the enemies and traps harder this
                         time!

                                   LUDWIG
                         You don't suppose that perhaps the
                         kidnap-Peach-and-have-Mario-come-
                         rescue-her plan just isn't working?

                                   BOWSER
                         Hey, I never thought of it that
                         way! You're getting a raise in your
                         allowance for that!

                                   LUDWIG
                         How much?

                                   BOWSER
                         Ten coins. Meaning that you owe me
                         ten coins each week.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Huh?

                                   BOWSER
                         Well, someone has to pay for those
                         tables. And since I'm not, the
                         burden falls on you, the eldest. So
                         you owe me thirty coins a week.
                         Your allowance previously was ten
                         coins. Now that we added ten, we
                         get twenty. Negative thirty plus
                         twenty is negative ten, meaning
                         that you owe me ten coins per week.

               All the Koopalings stare at Bowser.

                                   BOWSER
                         What? I managed to improve my math!
                         Those Hooked On Phonics things are
                         great!

                                   MORTON
                             (as he talks, the
                              Koopalings and Bowser
                              look more and more bored)
                         But Hooked On Phonics isn't for
                         math, it's for reading! How can you
                         possibly get better at math if
                         you're using something that's
                         supposed to improve your reading
                         skills? I mean, certainly, learning
                         how to read better is perhaps a
                         worthwhile goal, but that won't
                         help your math skills! Math and
                         reading are two separate skills! I
                         mean, there are word problems and
                         all, but...hey, wake up!

               By this time, the other Koopalings and Bowser are all asleep.

                                   MORTON
                         One day, when I make tons of money
                         by writing speeches for people, I'm
                         going to laugh at them. Oh, how I
                         will laugh at them. I will laugh at
                         them with the strength of laughter
                         of a guy who laughs incredibly
                         hard. I will-

               Bowser wakes up.

                                   BOWSER
                         Something seems to have knocked me
                         out. What were we doing?

                                   MORTON
                         We were-

                                   BOWSER
                         Not you! I want someone else to
                         answer the question!

                                   MORTON
                         But they're all asleep. If they're
                         asleep, they clearly cannot answer
                         your questions. Unless your
                         questions somehow enter their
                         dreams and they talk in their
                         sleep. But that is rather unlikely,
                         so-

                                   BOWSER
                         Good point.
                             (screaming)
                         WAKE UP!

               Everyone wakes up with a start, except for Wendy.

                                   WENDY
                             (sleeping)
                         Just... another minute...

                                   BOWSER
                             (screaming more loudly)
                         WAKE UP!

               Wendy wakes up.

                                   WENDY
                         Ow! You probably just caused
                         permanent ear damage!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Well, for that to be true, he'd
                         have to be over the threshold of
                         pain, which is one hundred and
                         forty decibels. See, that's the
                         level where the sound will make
                         someone's ears hurt immediately. So
                         to cause permanent ear damage, it
                         would need to be above that,
                         meaning that it would need to be
                         above-

                                   ROY
                         Ludwig?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Yes, dear sibling?

                                  ROY
                         Shut up.

                                   BOWSER
                         Okay, now, as I was saying, we were-

                                   LEMMY
                         Yeah, Ludwig! Who cares about all
                         that "threshold of ping" nonsense?

                                   LUDWIG
                         It's "threshold of pain", not
                         "threshold of ping", and furthermore-

                                   ROY
                         Argh! This is annoying! I'm going
                         to take out my frustration on
                         someone!

               Roy starts beating up Iggy.

                                   IGGY
                         Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it!

                                   ROY
                         Okay. Does anyone else want to be
                         beaten up in Iggy's place?

               There is a pause.

                                   ROY
                         Sorry, Iggy. Tough breaks.

               Roy resumes his beating up of Iggy.

                                   BOWSER
                         As I was SAYING, I think we should-

                                   WENDY
                         You know, this seems like a great
                         time to ask you for that-

                                   BOWSER
                             (screaming)
                         THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Now that shout of Bowser's is
                         perhaps one hundred and twenty
                         decibels at the maximum. Maximum.
                         Definitely not at the threshold of
                         pain. So therefore-

                                   BOWSER
                         Okay, that's it. I've had it.
                         YOU'RE ALL BANISHED!

               There is a sudden silence.

                                   BOWSER
                         Odds are YOU'RE the problem! Half
                         of the time plans get screwed up
                         it's somehow because of you!

                                   LUDWIG
                         What about the other half?

                                   BOWSER
                         It's STILL your fault, because in
                         that case it's because of me, but
                         only because you guys drive me
                         insane! That's it! I'm done with it
                         all! I'm going back to Koopa
                         Castle! And you can't come!

               Bowser opens the door and storms out. Wario comes in.

                                   WARIO
                         Uh, what are you guys doing in my
                         house?

                                   LEMMY
                         You live here?

                                   WARIO
                         Well, not really. I live in this
                         castle I got. But having a house in
                         addition gives me substantial tax
                         deductions!

                                   IGGY
                         And you want us to leave it, right?

                                   WARIO
                         Of course not! If you're here, I
                         can charge you rent at exorbitant
                         prices! How's ten hundred thousand
                         coins per person per minute sound?

               The Koopalings all leave in response to this.

                                   WARIO
                         Oh well. I'm sure I can find some
                         dolt dumb enough to fall for that.
 

               EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - GATES - DAY

               The Koopalings are all in front of the gates of the castle. A
               Hammer Brother stands there.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Halt! Who goes there?

                                   LUDWIG
                         Uh, us? The Koopalings?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Koopalings, Koopalings... Let's see
                         if you're on the list...

               The Hammer Brother takes an enormous list out of his shell
               and examines it.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                             (looking through list)
                         Let's see... not here... not
                         here... not here... oh, wait, here
                         you are. No, wait, sorry, not
                         there. Not here... not here... and
                         not here. Nope, don't see you here.
                         Sorry. Only people on the list can
                         enter. One of the disadvantages to
                         living in a bureaucracy.

                                   LARRY
                         Don't worry! I know a secret
                         passage into the castle!

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         I feel obligated to inform you that
                         entry through all secret passages
                         is strictly forbidden.

                                   LARRY
                         If it's secret, how would they know
                         that we're using it?

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         I don't know.
 

               INT. ROOM - DAY

               The same room the Koopalings and Bowser were in previously is
               now bare. Lord Seth enters and sees no one's there.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Darn it! I was sure that Lemmy was
                         here.

               Wario enters.

                                   WARIO
                         Hi! Are you here to rent at
                         extremely high prices?

                                   LORD SETH
                         No. Did you see the Koopalings?

                                   WARIO
                         That depends.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Depends on what?

                                   WARIO
                         Depends on how much money you're
                         offering me. How about you rent
                         this place?

                                   LORD SETH
                         Uh... I have a cousin named Seth. At
                         least I think he's my cousin. He's
                         somehow related to me, anyway. He's
                         even more crazy than I am. Maybe I
                         could talk him into renting this
                         place.

                                   WARIO
                         All right! The Koopalings went off
                         in that direction!

               Wario points towards the door.

                                   LORD SETH
                         So they left through the door?

                                   WARIO
                         Exactly!

                                   LORD SETH
                         Thank you very much!

                                  WARIO
                         Was that sarcasm?

                                   LORD SETH
                         No, I was being serious.

                                   WARIO
                         So are you being sarcastic now,
                         also?

                                   LORD SETH
                         If I knew that, I wouldn't be being
                         sarcastic or not being sarcastic,
                         would I?

                                   WARIO
                         Uh... um... darn it, you're confusing
                         me. Just get that other guy to rent
                         this place.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Will do! Although, come to think of
                         it, I'm not sure I have a relative
                         named Seth.

                                   WARIO
                         What?!

                                   LORD SETH
                             (slaps self)
                         Now I remember! He's my imaginary
                         cousin!

                                   WARIO
                         Imaginary cousin?!

                                   LORD SETH
                         It's like an imaginary friend,
                         except they're a cousin instead of
                         a friend.

                                   WARIO
                         That's it. I'm out of here.

               Wario leaves.

                                   LORD SETH
                         Well, I haven't found Lemmy to tell
                         him the word I found. I don't know
                         where he is. BUT I WILL MAKE IT MY
                         LIFE'S WORK TO FIND OUT!
 

               EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - BACK OF CASTLE - DAY

               The Koopalings are all at the back of the castle. There is a
               small door there. A sign next to it in large letters says
               "SECRET ENTRANCE. DO NOT ENTER."

                                   LARRY
                         See? Secret entrance?

                                   LUDWIG
                         This has been here the whole time?!

                                   LARRY
                         Yeah. Security knows it's their
                         weak spot, but they're in total
                         denial about it. I use it to
                         smuggle in stuff that Bowser
                         doesn't want me to bring in.
                         Like exploding resistors and circus
                         balls that pop if you just touch
                         them. And glasses and sunglasses
                         that make your eyes itch. And bows
                         that have a special sleep powder
                         that makes the wearer perpetually
                         sleepy. And duct tape.

               All of the Koopalings glare nastily at Larry.

                                   LARRY
                         Uh... Did I say exploding resistors,
                         weak circus balls, itchy glasses
                         and sunglasses, bows that make you
                         sleepy, and duct tape? I meant just
                         duct tape.

                                   LUDWIG
                         Larry, do you honestly believe
                         we're vacuous enough to be deceived
                         by that?

                                   LARRY
                         Well, I was hoping Roy would.

                                   ROY
                         I'm not that stupid!

               Roy starts to walk menacingly towards Larry.

                                   LARRY
                         Uh... um... Bye!

               Larry tries to open the door and dash in, but the door is
               locked.

                                   LARRY
                         Locked?!

                                   ROY
                         Prepare to taste horrible pain,
                         Larry!

               Roy tries to jump on Larry, but Larry gets out of the way.
               When Roy lands, tremors go through the ground and freeze all
               the Koopalings except Roy in place. Then Roy beats up Larry.

                                   IGGY
                         Hooray! Someone other than me got
                         beat up!

                                   ROY
                         Thanks for reminding me!

               Roy beats Iggy up.

                                   LEMMY
                         Guys, guys! We shouldn't fight! We
                         should try to get this door open?

                                   ROY
                         That will be easy!

               Roy tries to knock down the door. Nothing happens.

                                   ROY
                         Or not.

                                   LUDWIG
                         I'll use my latest invention! It's
                         a sure-fire way to open any door!

                                   WENDY
                         Well, what are you waiting for? Use
                         it!

                                   LUDWIG
                         Um, there's one small problem with
                         the invention.

                                   WENDY
                         What, it explodes?

                                   LUDWIG
                         No, I fixed that problem. The
                         problem is that it's in my room in
                         the castle.

                                   WENDY
                         Wait, I have an idea!

               Wendy starts throwing a tantrum.

                                   WENDY
                         Door, if you don't open RIGHT NOW,
                         I'm going to scream so incredibly
                         loud that you'll go deaf!

                                   LUDWIG
                         A door cannot become deaf.

                                   WENDY
                         Well, it was worth a try.

               A large group of Hammer Brothers turn the corner of the
               castle and notice the Koopalings.

                                   HAMMER BROTHER
                         Look! They're trying to break
                         through the secret door! GET THEM!

               The Hammer Brothers all rush at the Koopalings, who all run
               away quickly.

Read on!

Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.