FADE IN:
EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - DAY
Lord Seth is standing in front of the castle.
LORD SETH
You know, actual screenplay format,
that is, the kind they use in
actual movies, is different from
the kind where you put someone's
name and then a colon and then
their dialogue. Instead, someone's
name is capitalized and then the
dialogue is typed out underneath.
The margins for dialogue are
different than the margins for
"normal" text. Well, that's part of
the screenplay format also. See,
the thing about the format is that
each page is roughly a minute of
screen time. So, say, a one hundred
page screenplay would be about a
one hundred minute-long movie.
Another thing is that the scene
headings become with "EXT." or
"INT." which are used to mean
exterior or-
Lemmy walks up to Lord Seth.
LEMMY
No one wants to hear about the
intricacies of the screenplay
format!
LORD SETH
Uh, okay. Oh, if you're a Hollywood
agent, be sure to come on by to my
house! I've got a great idea for a
television series! See, the idea is-
LEMMY
Uh, shouldn't you give some kind of
way for them to reach your house? I
don't know, an address? A phone
number? And who are you even
talking to?
LORD SETH
I don't know. But I'm not giving
out any of that information because
they always say you shouldn't give
that out online.
LEMMY
Why?
LORD SETH
I have no idea, but I'm sure they,
whoever they are, know better than
me!
LEMMY
Just get on with whatever you're
saying! You're technically
loitering, you know.
LORD SETH
Sorry. I tend to get distracted
easily and...
(pause)
Ha! Bet you thought I was going to
be distracted by something there,
huh?
LEMMY
At the current rate we're going,
this will take a whole
day...whatever it is we're even
doing.
LORD SETH
Good point. What is about to happen
is going to be rather goofy. I
suppose it could be called "a goofy
movie".
LEMMY
What's this about a movie?
LORD SETH
Never mind. Unfortunately, now that
I think of it, the title "a goofy
movie" has already been taken.
Let's see... what is another word
for goofy? Let me get my
dictionary.
Lord Seth walks away.
LEMMY
I thought he would NEVER leave.
Lemmy walks away also.
INT. KOOPA CASTLE - DUNGEON - DAY
Mario, Peach, and Luigi are all in a cell in the dungeon.
Bowser stands outside the cell.
BOWSER
Ha! I have finally captured all of
you! Now I can conquer the Mushroom
Kingdom!
Bowser laughs evilly.
MARIO
You'll never get away with this!
BOWSER
You're probably right. But in the
meantime I'm going to laugh evilly.
Bowser starts laughing evilly again.
PEACH
What are we going to do, Mario?
MARIO
Don't worry. Usually about this
time some kind of plot twist occurs
and-
The side of the cell opposite from Bowser is suddenly broken
by a bulldozer, exposing the outside. Toad is driving the
bulldozer.
BOWSER
What?! This cell is underground!
I'm going to be very mad at the
architect who made this castle!
Mario, Luigi, and Peach all run out and get into the
bulldozer, which drives off.
BOWSER
Another failed plan! Argh!
INT. KOOPA CASTLE - DUNGEON - LATER
Bowser is standing in front of the prison cell. A Koopa is
now in it.
KOOPA
Uh, why am I here?
BOWSER
The dungeon isn't crowded enough.
I needed someone to take up space.
KOOPA
That doesn't make sense.
BOWSER
I know.
KOOPA
You know, I can just leave. You
didn't repair the wall.
BOWSER
I know.
The Koopa leaves through the open wall.
BOWSER
Darn it! How do they always escape?
INT. MUSHROOM KINGDOM PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY
Peach sits on the throne. Mario and Luigi are there with her.
PEACH
You know, it occurs to me that
Koopa-
A Mushroom person suddenly runs up to Peach, whispers
something in her ear, then runs off.
PEACH
-I mean Bowser, constantly tries
these attacks on us. Sometimes he
just kidnaps me. And sometimes he
manages to get Mario and/or Luigi
while doing so. But we ALWAYS end
up triumphing over him.
MARIO
I know! Isn't it nifty?
PEACH
Well, it makes me wonder if our
luck won't run out sometime.
MARIO
Oh, come on. If Power Rangers can
exist for more than ten seasons,
and in every episode there's some
attack that they manage to defeat
often through luck, I'm sure our
"luck" will last.
LUIGI
But Power Rangers is just a TV
show. This is real!
PEACH
What's "Power Rangers"?
LUIGI
Never mind.
EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - DAY
Lord Seth walks over in front of the castle, looking through
a dictionary.
LORD SETH
Okay, I found a word, Lemmy.
(looks up and sees Lemmy
isn't there)
Uh, Lemmy? Are you there?
(pause)
I'm going to have to tell Lemmy
about how I finally found the
synonym. I'd better go find him!
Lord Seth leaves.
INT. KOOPA CASTLE - MEETING ROOM - DAY
Bowser and the Koopalings are all sitting at a round table.
Bowser sits at the head of the table.
BOWSER
I call this meeting of us to order!
Bowser slams his fist onto the table, which breaks it.
BOWSER
Oops.
LARRY
That's the fourth table you've
broken today with that.
BOWSER
Okay, I'll be sure that doesn't
happen again. BRING IN THE NEW
TABLE!
Some Goombas and Koopa Troopas carry out the remaining pieces
of the table, then carry a new round table in and put it
where the old table was.
BOWSER
I call this meeting of us to order
again!
There is a pause.
ROY
Wow... you didn't slam your hand on
the table.
BOWSER
Darn it! I knew I forgot something!
Bowser slams his fist on the table, and it breaks again.
BOWSER
Uh... maybe we should have these
meetings somewhere else.
INT. ROOM - DAY
Bowser and the Koopalings are in a different room, though we
don't know where it is. They're all seated in chairs that are
arranged in a circle.
BOWSER
Okay, I call this meeting to order!
Again! We need a plan to kidnap
Peach!
LARRY
Why is it we always kidnap her?
What exactly do we gain from this?
The original time was because she
was the only one who could break
the spell, but as of late all we've
been doing is grabbing her and
hoping Mario will come and rescue
her, and then we'd get rid of him.
But we never manage to get rid of
him because he gets by all our
traps and defeats all the enemies.
BOWSER
Exactly! That's why we need to make
the enemies and traps harder this
time!
LUDWIG
You don't suppose that perhaps the
kidnap-Peach-and-have-Mario-come-
rescue-her plan just isn't working?
BOWSER
Hey, I never thought of it that
way! You're getting a raise in your
allowance for that!
LUDWIG
How much?
BOWSER
Ten coins. Meaning that you owe me
ten coins each week.
LUDWIG
Huh?
BOWSER
Well, someone has to pay for those
tables. And since I'm not, the
burden falls on you, the eldest. So
you owe me thirty coins a week.
Your allowance previously was ten
coins. Now that we added ten, we
get twenty. Negative thirty plus
twenty is negative ten, meaning
that you owe me ten coins per week.
All the Koopalings stare at Bowser.
BOWSER
What? I managed to improve my math!
Those Hooked On Phonics things are
great!
MORTON
(as he talks, the
Koopalings and Bowser
look more and more bored)
But Hooked On Phonics isn't for
math, it's for reading! How can you
possibly get better at math if
you're using something that's
supposed to improve your reading
skills? I mean, certainly, learning
how to read better is perhaps a
worthwhile goal, but that won't
help your math skills! Math and
reading are two separate skills! I
mean, there are word problems and
all, but...hey, wake up!
By this time, the other Koopalings and Bowser are all asleep.
MORTON
One day, when I make tons of money
by writing speeches for people, I'm
going to laugh at them. Oh, how I
will laugh at them. I will laugh at
them with the strength of laughter
of a guy who laughs incredibly
hard. I will-
Bowser wakes up.
BOWSER
Something seems to have knocked me
out. What were we doing?
MORTON
We were-
BOWSER
Not you! I want someone else to
answer the question!
MORTON
But they're all asleep. If they're
asleep, they clearly cannot answer
your questions. Unless your
questions somehow enter their
dreams and they talk in their
sleep. But that is rather unlikely,
so-
BOWSER
Good point.
(screaming)
WAKE UP!
Everyone wakes up with a start, except for Wendy.
WENDY
(sleeping)
Just... another minute...
BOWSER
(screaming more loudly)
WAKE UP!
Wendy wakes up.
WENDY
Ow! You probably just caused
permanent ear damage!
LUDWIG
Well, for that to be true, he'd
have to be over the threshold of
pain, which is one hundred and
forty decibels. See, that's the
level where the sound will make
someone's ears hurt immediately. So
to cause permanent ear damage, it
would need to be above that,
meaning that it would need to be
above-
ROY
Ludwig?
LUDWIG
Yes, dear sibling?
ROY
Shut up.
BOWSER
Okay, now, as I was saying, we were-
LEMMY
Yeah, Ludwig! Who cares about all
that "threshold of ping" nonsense?
LUDWIG
It's "threshold of pain", not
"threshold of ping", and furthermore-
ROY
Argh! This is annoying! I'm going
to take out my frustration on
someone!
Roy starts beating up Iggy.
IGGY
Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it!
ROY
Okay. Does anyone else want to be
beaten up in Iggy's place?
There is a pause.
ROY
Sorry, Iggy. Tough breaks.
Roy resumes his beating up of Iggy.
BOWSER
As I was SAYING, I think we should-
WENDY
You know, this seems like a great
time to ask you for that-
BOWSER
(screaming)
THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
LUDWIG
Now that shout of Bowser's is
perhaps one hundred and twenty
decibels at the maximum. Maximum.
Definitely not at the threshold of
pain. So therefore-
BOWSER
Okay, that's it. I've had it.
YOU'RE ALL BANISHED!
There is a sudden silence.
BOWSER
Odds are YOU'RE the problem! Half
of the time plans get screwed up
it's somehow because of you!
LUDWIG
What about the other half?
BOWSER
It's STILL your fault, because in
that case it's because of me, but
only because you guys drive me
insane! That's it! I'm done with it
all! I'm going back to Koopa
Castle! And you can't come!
Bowser opens the door and storms out. Wario comes in.
WARIO
Uh, what are you guys doing in my
house?
LEMMY
You live here?
WARIO
Well, not really. I live in this
castle I got. But having a house in
addition gives me substantial tax
deductions!
IGGY
And you want us to leave it, right?
WARIO
Of course not! If you're here, I
can charge you rent at exorbitant
prices! How's ten hundred thousand
coins per person per minute sound?
The Koopalings all leave in response to this.
WARIO
Oh well. I'm sure I can find some
dolt dumb enough to fall for that.
EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - GATES - DAY
The Koopalings are all in front of the gates of the castle. A
Hammer Brother stands there.
HAMMER BROTHER
Halt! Who goes there?
LUDWIG
Uh, us? The Koopalings?
HAMMER BROTHER
Koopalings, Koopalings... Let's see
if you're on the list...
The Hammer Brother takes an enormous list out of his shell
and examines it.
HAMMER BROTHER
(looking through list)
Let's see... not here... not
here... not here... oh, wait, here
you are. No, wait, sorry, not
there. Not here... not here... and
not here. Nope, don't see you here.
Sorry. Only people on the list can
enter. One of the disadvantages to
living in a bureaucracy.
LARRY
Don't worry! I know a secret
passage into the castle!
HAMMER BROTHER
I feel obligated to inform you that
entry through all secret passages
is strictly forbidden.
LARRY
If it's secret, how would they know
that we're using it?
HAMMER BROTHER
I don't know.
INT. ROOM - DAY
The same room the Koopalings and Bowser were in previously is
now bare. Lord Seth enters and sees no one's there.
LORD SETH
Darn it! I was sure that Lemmy was
here.
Wario enters.
WARIO
Hi! Are you here to rent at
extremely high prices?
LORD SETH
No. Did you see the Koopalings?
WARIO
That depends.
LORD SETH
Depends on what?
WARIO
Depends on how much money you're
offering me. How about you rent
this place?
LORD SETH
Uh... I have a cousin named Seth. At
least I think he's my cousin. He's
somehow related to me, anyway. He's
even more crazy than I am. Maybe I
could talk him into renting this
place.
WARIO
All right! The Koopalings went off
in that direction!
Wario points towards the door.
LORD SETH
So they left through the door?
WARIO
Exactly!
LORD SETH
Thank you very much!
WARIO
Was that sarcasm?
LORD SETH
No, I was being serious.
WARIO
So are you being sarcastic now,
also?
LORD SETH
If I knew that, I wouldn't be being
sarcastic or not being sarcastic,
would I?
WARIO
Uh... um... darn it, you're confusing
me. Just get that other guy to rent
this place.
LORD SETH
Will do! Although, come to think of
it, I'm not sure I have a relative
named Seth.
WARIO
What?!
LORD SETH
(slaps self)
Now I remember! He's my imaginary
cousin!
WARIO
Imaginary cousin?!
LORD SETH
It's like an imaginary friend,
except they're a cousin instead of
a friend.
WARIO
That's it. I'm out of here.
Wario leaves.
LORD SETH
Well, I haven't found Lemmy to tell
him the word I found. I don't know
where he is. BUT I WILL MAKE IT MY
LIFE'S WORK TO FIND OUT!
EXT. KOOPA CASTLE - BACK OF CASTLE - DAY
The Koopalings are all at the back of the castle. There is a
small door there. A sign next to it in large letters says
"SECRET ENTRANCE. DO NOT ENTER."
LARRY
See? Secret entrance?
LUDWIG
This has been here the whole time?!
LARRY
Yeah. Security knows it's their
weak spot, but they're in total
denial about it. I use it to
smuggle in stuff that Bowser
doesn't want me to bring in.
Like exploding resistors and circus
balls that pop if you just touch
them. And glasses and sunglasses
that make your eyes itch. And bows
that have a special sleep powder
that makes the wearer perpetually
sleepy. And duct tape.
All of the Koopalings glare nastily at Larry.
LARRY
Uh... Did I say exploding resistors,
weak circus balls, itchy glasses
and sunglasses, bows that make you
sleepy, and duct tape? I meant just
duct tape.
LUDWIG
Larry, do you honestly believe
we're vacuous enough to be deceived
by that?
LARRY
Well, I was hoping Roy would.
ROY
I'm not that stupid!
Roy starts to walk menacingly towards Larry.
LARRY
Uh... um... Bye!
Larry tries to open the door and dash in, but the door is
locked.
LARRY
Locked?!
ROY
Prepare to taste horrible pain,
Larry!
Roy tries to jump on Larry, but Larry gets out of the way.
When Roy lands, tremors go through the ground and freeze all
the Koopalings except Roy in place. Then Roy beats up Larry.
IGGY
Hooray! Someone other than me got
beat up!
ROY
Thanks for reminding me!
Roy beats Iggy up.
LEMMY
Guys, guys! We shouldn't fight! We
should try to get this door open?
ROY
That will be easy!
Roy tries to knock down the door. Nothing happens.
ROY
Or not.
LUDWIG
I'll use my latest invention! It's
a sure-fire way to open any door!
WENDY
Well, what are you waiting for? Use
it!
LUDWIG
Um, there's one small problem with
the invention.
WENDY
What, it explodes?
LUDWIG
No, I fixed that problem. The
problem is that it's in my room in
the castle.
WENDY
Wait, I have an idea!
Wendy starts throwing a tantrum.
WENDY
Door, if you don't open RIGHT NOW,
I'm going to scream so incredibly
loud that you'll go deaf!
LUDWIG
A door cannot become deaf.
WENDY
Well, it was worth a try.
A large group of Hammer Brothers turn the corner of the
castle and notice the Koopalings.
HAMMER BROTHER
Look! They're trying to break
through the secret door! GET THEM!
The Hammer Brothers all rush at the Koopalings, who all run
away quickly.
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me!
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