Chapter One: Off to Fight a Giant Killer Dragon of DOOM!
After entering the pipe, Bowser and Goombella arrive in Petal Meadows, a green place with flowers. There are also three stone shapes in front of them, two boulders with indentations, one a star and the other a moon… almost as if something goes in them... The third rock is in the shape of a large warp pipe.
Goombella: Wow! It sure is pretty!
Bowser: I want to conquer it!
Goombella: Why?
Bowser: Uh… because… um… I can breathe fire!
Goombella: That’s great. Let’s just keep going to Petalburg.
Bowser: And then… the conquering!
Goombella: Sure…
They head through the area until they encounter more Goombas.
Bowser: Hey! You’re the guys who escaped from my services!
Goomba: Uh… No we’re not?
Bowser: Prepare to DIE!
Paragoomba: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Fly away!
He flaps away, leaving his friend behind.
Goomba: Hey! Wait! I can’t fly!
Bowser: KILL!
He lifts his foot and squishes the Goomba.
Goomba: Ow.
And so they continue. Along the way in the distance, a massive castle looms…
Bowser: Hey look! A massive castle!
Goombella: Yes and it's looming!
Bowser: That’s the castle on the map, but how are we supposed to get there?
Goombella: I don’t know… Hey, what’s that?!
Overhead a humongous red dragon flies by.
Goombella: Hey wait… Those wings are like five feet long. That couldn’t lift Bowser, let alone that massive thing!
Narrator: Do NOT point out logistical flaws!
Goombella: Who are you?
Bowser: Don’t ask questions!
Goombella: What? Why?
Bowser: Shhh!
Goombella: Oh fine!
The giant red monster lands at the castle. Bowser and Goombella continue traveling. Eventually they reach Petalburg. Bowser is shocked to see the inhabitants.
Bowser: But… they’re all KOOPAS!
Goombella: Yes… Is there something wrong with that?
Bowser: But… none of them are working for ME!
Goombella: That’s because you never recruited them!
Bowser: Oh… Well after I get Peach I’ll have to do that.
Goombella: Sure you will.
A Koopa walks up.
Koopa: You must help us!
Bowser: Help you with what?
Koopa: You must save us from the fearsome dragon Hooktail!
Bowser: Oh, that guy. Why? What’s he do?
Koopa: He… He… You know, I don’t think you can handle it, so I just won’t tell you.
Bowser: WHAT?!
Koopa: Oh fine! He flies overhead!
Bowser: And?
Koopa: And what?
Bowser: What else does he do?
Koopa: What do you mean what else does he do?
Bowser: Grr. He has to do something else besides THAT, so what is it?
Koopa: What were we talking about again?
Bowser flames him.
Goombella: Thank you.
Bowser: I don’t think I want a lackey like him.
They continue walking until they meet a Bub-ulb.
Bub-ulb: You must help us!
Goombella: Uh oh…
Bowser: You mean with the dragon?
Bub-ulb: Yes!
Bowser: *sigh* What does he do?
Bub-ulb: Flies overhead!
Bowser: Grr. AND?
Bub-ulb: That’s all he does.
Bowser: What? Really?
Bub-ulb: Yep.
Bowser: But why is that bad?
Bub-ulb: Well it’s kind of creepy.
Bowser: Right. And what do you want me to do about it?
Bub-ulb: DESTROY HIM!
Bowser: Why?
Bub-ulb: Uh… Because he has a shiny star thing?
Bowser: A CRYSTAL STAR?!
Bub-ulb: Yeah?
Goombella: Wait… You want us to beat up a giant dragon merely because he is creepy?
Bub-ulb: Yep.
Goombella: Well for-
Bowser: I’ll do it!
Goombella: WHAT?!
Bub-ulb: YAY! Now to reach his castle you must find the Sun and Moon Stones which are hidden in Shhwonk Fortress over there.
He gestures to the right.
Bowser: Great! And then I shall conquer the castle AND the fortress and be more powerful!
Bub-ulb: Yeah… You do that.
Bowser: I will!
They continue to travel to the right until they are halted by a Koopa in front of a gate.
Guard Koopa: Hey! You can’t go through here!
Bowser: Why?
Guard Koopa: Because of the terrible monsters!
Bowser: But I need to go through here to reach Shhwonk Fortress so that I may get to Hooktail's castle!
Guard Koopa: Ahh. But I can’t let you pass because of the TERRIBLE stone monster!
Bowser: But that doesn’t make any sense!
Guard Koopa: Yes it does! See if you pass and destroy the monster that has never bothered us, and it’s a high possibility that you will destroy it as you are large and strong, although it IS invulnerable to fire, than we would no longer have to fear it, making our life better and plus you need to do it to kill the creepy Hooktail which would make our life PERFECT well I just can’t let you do that.
Bowser: I’m confused.
Goombella: Is there any way you can let us pass?
Guard Koopa: Yes! Go into that house there and you shall meet Koops!
He points at a house near the entrance to Petalburg.
Goombella: What good will that do?
Guard Koopa: Only time will tell…
Goombella: Okay…
So they head off to Koops’s house. It doesn’t take them very long. Although Bowser keeps asking people if they want to join his army and when they politely refuse he charbroils them. Finally they reach the house and enter it. Koops, a Koopa with a shy expression and a band-aid on his cheek, greets them.
Koops: Um… Hi?
Bowser: Gwa ha ha!
Koops: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Don’t hurt me!
Bowser: Than let us through the gate to Shhwonk!
Koops: I can’t; only the mayor can do that!
Bowser: Grr. Than where is the mayor?
Koops: In the house next to me?
Bowser: Why did you say it in a question?
Koops: I don’t know?
Bowser: Okay…
They begin to leave.
Koops: Wait!
Bowser: WHAT?!
Koops: Are you going to battle Hooktail?
Bowser: Uh… yes.
Koops: Really?
Bowser: Yes.
Koops: Great!
Bowser: Uh-huh.
Koops: Can you take me with you?
Bowser: Why?
Koops: Because Hooktail killed my father and I want revenge!
Bowser: I know why! You want to be my new minion!
Koops: No… I just told you.
Bowser: Well great! It’s always good to have people working for me for no pay and high risk!
Koops: Actually I’m too afraid to go with you, on second thought…
Bowser: WHAT?!
Koops: Yeah… It’s too frightening.
Bowser and Goombella leave. Koops does not realize it.
Koops: And Koopie Koo would be mildly upset that I had gone to vanquish the fearsome beast that has troubled our fair lands. Or something. Hey, where’d that big guy go?
Bowser and Goombella enter the mayor's house. Inside they see the mayor (obviously), who is a rather old Koopa with incredibly large eyelashes that cover most of his head.
Mayor: Hello! And who are you?
Bowser: I am Bowser, King of the Koopas! GWA HA HA!
Goombella: Could you BE any more dramatic?
Bowser: Possibly.
Mayor: Well hello, Barry!
Bowser: Uh… My name is BOWSER.
Mayor: No, I don’t want any coffee, Brad.
Bowser: Is he okay?
Goombella: I doubt it. Just ask him and let’s get out of here.
Bowser: Fine. Can you open the gate to Shhwonk Fortress?
Mayor: No, I’m far too old!
Bowser: Grr. Than can you TELL the Koopa guarding it to?
Mayor: Well I’ll try, Barney.
Bowser: It’s BOWSER!
Mayor: Right, right, of course, Bill.
Suddenly he taps his cane on the ground.
Mayor: Okay, I told him!
Goombella: What? How?
Mayor: Silly fishy, knowledge is for Koopas!
Goombella: Right.
Bowser: Let’s just leave…
They walk out the door.
Mayor: Let’s play Scrabble!
Bowser and Goombella walk to the gate, only to find that the guard Koopa is gone and the gate is open! Somehow the mayor did it!
Goombella: Right… I’m not going to even ask HOW he communicated with that guy.
They pass through the gate and travel… to Shhwonk Fortress!
Meanwhile…
Captain: All right, Mario, I piloted us to the middle of the ocean and then did a triple axel spin just like you asked… I think.
Mario: That’s-a better!
Captain: Yeah… I have NO clue what you’re talking about.
Mario: Oh nooooooooooo!
Captain: Yeah… So I’m going to dump you off at this one place. It’s called Petal Meadows and I’m just going to pilot up to the river and get rid of you. You’re not nearly as cool in person as they say you are.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Captain: Well at least BOTH of us are excited to get rid of you.
Back to Bowser…
They travel down a path. The Paragoomba that escaped earlier had rushed ahead and told all the renegade Koopas and Goombas that Bowser was coming. Most of them had hid, except for one disbelieving Koopa. Bowser soon runs into him, much to his surprise.
Bowser: GRR! You are one of the TRAITORS!
Koopa: NO! Don’t hurt me! I’ll give you anything!
Bowser: Really?
Koopa: No, not really. I don’t like you!
Bowser: DIE!
He flames him. Bowser and Goombella travel on.
Koopa: Maybe it isn’t a good idea to make someone far larger and bigger than you upset…
Soon Bowser and Goombella reach a small building.
Bowser: Is this Shhwonk Fortress?
Goombella: No.
Bowser: What? How do you know?
She points to a small sign near the building that says “NOT Shhwonk Fortress”.
Bowser: Oh.
They enter it. Inside its only room they see two high pillars with some kind of non-moving stone creatures about the size of Goombella on top. The exit is barred by large bars.
Bowser: Well that’s a puzzler. What do we do?
Suddenly the two creatures jump off and begin running into one of the walls.
Goombella: I know what those are! They are Bald Clefts!
Bowser: What? There are Clefts with hair?
Goombella: Well no, the other kind have spikes on their heads.
Bowser: But bald doesn’t mean nothing on head, it means lacking in hair.
Goombella: Yeah…
Bowser: So that is an inaccurate description of the creatures.
Goombella: Yeah… Hey, when’d YOU get so smart?
Bowser: Uh… JOIN ME!
Goombella: Already did.
Bowser: Oh.
Goombella: This talk is great and all… but we still need to get past here.
Bowser: No problem.
Bowser grabs the Bald Clefts and uses their bodies to smash the bars down. The bars fall just as the Clefts turn to dust.
Goombella: I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to do it…
Bowser: Hey… Whatever works.
They pass through the building and keep walking until they are stopped by a second building, identical to the first.
Bowser: Is THIS Shhwonk Fortress?
Goombella: No.
She points at another small sign on the near the building that clearly states “This is STILL not Shhwonk Fortress”.
Bowser: Crud.
Goombella: This is ridiculous. We have to travel through all these places to reach Shhwonk Fortress, than travel back and find a way to reach Hooktail's castle than go through his castle and beat him up, just to acquire ONE Crystal Star!
Bowser: Yeah! How many Crystal Stars are there again?
Goombella: I believe there are seven.
Bowser: That stinks.
Goombella: It sure does.
After a slight period of sighing, caused by their sadness that their “adventure” might take a while, they walk into the building. Inside it is practically the same, with pillars and bars. The only difference is the two creatures on the top. They are strange ball-like creatures with spikes surrounding them and eye-sockets, yet no eyes.
Goombella: Those are Bristles!
The Bristles than fall off of the pillars and start heading toward Bowser.
Goombella: Watch out! They are-
Bowser: Gwa ha ha! I shall burn them!
He shoots a fire blast at the Bristles. It has no effect.
Goombella: -resistant to fire.
Bowser: Now you tell me!
Goombella: Bowser! They’re spiked! You can’t touch them!
Bowser: Oh yeah?
One of the Bristles charges forward. Bowser grabs it in the one spot with no spikes, the eye sockets!
Goombella: Genius!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha!
He then headbutts the Bristle.
Goombella: Not genius.
Bowser: OW!
The Bristle goes flying, smashing into its buddy and sending them both through the bars. They disappear into the sky. The bars fall down.
Bowser: Again… if it works!
Goombella: Hey, you’re the one hurting yourself, not me. I honestly don’t care what you do.
Bowser: HEY! As a minion YOU should be getting yourself hurt for ME!
Goombella: Darn. Oh well, you’ll probably forget it soon anyways.
Bowser: Forget what?
Goombella: Dang, he must have some kind of bizarre selective memory!
Bowser: I must! I keep forgetting how badly Mario beats me up!
Goombella: Right…
Bowser: Let’s go!
They leave the building. Soon they run into yet ANOTHER building, similar although slightly larger.
Bowser: Let me guess, not Shhwonk Fortress?
Goombella: Actually…
She gestures at a slightly larger sign near the building that reads “Surprise! This is Shhwonk Fortress, you braindead oaf! You actually managed to reach it! That’s gotta be your greatest accomplishment!”
Bowser: I think the sign is mocking me…
Goombella: That’s ridic-
The sign begins to make strange giggling noises.
Bowser: Let’s get inside!
Goombella: Agreed!
They dash inside. A Goomba with a wet paintbrush walks out from behind the sign (how do Goombas hold things?) and begins giggling in the same way as Bowser and Goombella just heard.
Goomba: Heh, heh. If that works on Bowser, than ANYTHING will!
He walks away. As he does he hits the sign with his foot, causing the larger sign to fall and squish him.
Goomba: Ow.
Meanwhile, Goombella and Bowser reach the inside of Shhwonk Fortress. Inside they are greeted by a large Thwomp, about the size of Bowser.
Bowser: Finally, we’re here!
Thwomp: WELCOME!!! This is SHHWONK FOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRTTTTTTRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!
Bowser: It sure is.
Thwomp: And I bet you guys are here for the Sun and Moon Stones?
Bowser: Yes.
Thwomp: Great! All you have to do is play a little game of mine!
Bowser: What kind of game?
Thwomp: A Quiz Show! With really pointless questions!
Bowser: How about you just give us the Stones?
Thwomp: How about… NO!
Bowser: Grr!
He swipes at the Thwomp, causing no damage and hurting his hands.
Bowser: OW!
Goombella: Uh… Bowser, I don’t think even you can hurt a Thwomp.
Bowser: You MIGHT be right…
Goombella: I’ll take the quiz!
Thwomp: Alrighty then!
The Thwomp twirls around. Lots of bright, gaudy lights flare on, and gameshow music begins playing. When he stops spinning he has flashy shades on.
Thwomp: The Thwomparific Quiz Show shall BEGIN! I shall ask seven questions… If you get five of them right… you win! If you get three wrong… then you lose!
Goombella: All right… Sounds fair.
Thwomp: GRRRRRREEEEEEEAAAAAAAT! First Question: What is the name of the place you were, before the place that you were in previous to here?
Goombella: Uh… Petal Meadows?
Thwomp: That is… correct! Unbelievable!
Goombella: Whew.
Thwomp: But can you answer THIS? Second Question: What is the magic number, the number for all the important things that people collect on these kinds of adventures?
Goombella: Ha! Seven!
Thwomp: Dang… That was too easy!
Goombella: Oh yeah!
Bowser: Yes! Only three more to go!
Thwomp: Answer this! Third Question: If you have eight nines, and mix them with thirty purple Goombas then how many spiders passed you on the road?
Goombella: Huh? What kind of question is that?
Thwomp: Heh, heh… Stumped you?
Goombella: NO! Uh… um… er… twelve?
Thwomp: WRONGO! The correct answer is fifty-10!
Goombella: What?! That’s not even a real number!
Thwomp: Was I asking for real numbers?
Bowser: Grr! This guy is cheating!
Thwomp: Fourth Question: How many chocolate bars can you store in a jar of indeterminate size?
Goombella: That’s impossible!
Thwomp: Not quite… Heh, heh!
Bowser: MUFFIN!
Thwomp: WHAT?! He can’t… he can’t answer questions!
Goombella: Why? Is he right?
Thwomp: Well, in a way… sort of… yeah. But he can’t answer any questions!
Goombella: Why? Where does it say that?
Thwomp: Fine! But I’ll only accept the answer, if and only if you two switch. And no more switching after this.
Goombella: Fine. Hey Bowser?
Bowser: Yes?
Goombella: How’d you know that?
Bowser: I’m a king. Kings need to know these things.
Goombella: Sure…
Thwomp: So it’s three right answers and one wrong…
Bowser: Yep.
Thwomp: Here we GOOOOOOOOOOOO! Fifth Question: If I take a Goomba and have it attack a Koopa, while being swung from a Lakitu, would the Bullet Bill be horizontal or vertical?
Bowser: Verizontal.
Thwomp: Shoot. All right! I think I know your weakness: How many maps does Professor Frankly have?!
Bowser: WHAT?!
Goombella: Ooh! I know!
Thwomp: SILENCE! You can’t answer or help!
Bowser: Uh… Eleven?
Thwomp: Wrong! It’s 25!
Bowser: Crud!
Thwomp: Now… for the final question!
Bowser: Uh oh…
Thwomp: What question number is this?!
Bowser: But that’s real hard!
Goombella: Shoot! He’ll never get this.
Bowser starts counting his hands.
Bowser: 1, 2, 3, 4… Hey, Thwomp?
Thwomp: What?
Bowser: What comes after three?
Thwomp: You just said it!
Bowser: Said what?
Thwomp: The number!
Bowser: What number?
Thwomp: FOUR! FOUR COMES AFTER THREE!
Bowser: Oh… Than the answer to your question is... not ten.
Thwomp: Yes... it’s not ten.
Bowser: Seven.
Thwomp: What?!
Bowser: Seven. That’s the answer.
Thwomp: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You are… RIGHT!!!
He shatters into dust. The podium he was on turns into a pipe.
Goombella: How’d you figure it out?
Bowser: Well it was pretty close… I almost didn’t get it. Then I noticed the giant 7 behind him.
Goombella: Ah.
They jump into the pipe. They appear in the sewers underneath the fortress. It’s wet and dank. There are two paths, one to the right, and one to the left. They take the one to the left. It leads to a tunnel that has a Fuzzy bouncing around in it.
Fuzzy: Health! Give me your HEALTH!
Bowser: What? Do you want to go to a hospital or something?
Fuzzy: ACK! Intruders! Must tell leader!
The Fuzzy charges forward… and crashes into a wall, completely missing the door.
Fuzzy: This wasn’t here before! Must tell leader!
The Fuzzy continues crashing.
Bowser: Glad he doesn’t work for ME!
They keep going until they see a pedestal with…the Moon Stone on it!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha! That’s one!
He reaches to grab it.
Goombella: WAIT! There might be a trap!
Bowser grabs it. A Fuzzy falls from the ceiling and impales itself on Bowser’s spikes.
Bowser: Huh? What was that?
He spins around, knocking the Fuzzy off into the wall, where it stays unmoving.
Goombella: Never mind.
They go back. The Fuzzy is still charging into the wall.
Fuzzy: It’s like a maze!
They then choose to go in the right path. It’s almost identical, it even has another Fuzzy.
Fuzzy 2: Ack! An intruder! Must tell boss!
He charges into a wall, ricochets off of it, and flies through the door.
Bowser: Who is this boss?
Goombella: Oh… nothing, probably a slightly larger Fuzzy, or one a color other than black.
Bowser: Oh.
They keep going until they see a pedestal with the Sun Stone on it. Bowser grabs it. A Fuzzy falls in front of Bowser.
Fuzzy 3: ACK! Thief!
The Fuzzy jumps up and grabs the two stones. It then dashes down the path.
Bowser: HEY!
They chase it back to the center area.
Bowser: Give me those stones!
Disembodied Voice: I think not!
Bowser: Wha? Who’s that?
A Fuzzy, the size of all the other ones, appears, only this one is gold colored!
Gold Fuzzy: How dare you intrude on my Fortress?!
Bowser: Wow. You’re really small!
Gold Fuzzy: What?! No I’m not!
Bowser: Tiny, little baby!
Gold Fuzzy: NOT TRUE! Fuzzy Horde… ATTACK!
Twenty Fuzzies jump into the room and start tackling Bowser.
Bowser: This is sad.
The Fuzzies bounce off him or impale themselves on his back. Soon all of them are unconscious.
Gold Fuzzy: Time for my FINAL MOVE!
Goombella: But you didn’t have a first one!
Gold Fuzzy: Shut up! I shall show you the TRUE POWER of the Sun and Moon Stones!
He holds them up (Again, how do things with no hands hold things?) and they begin glowing!
Goombella: I have a bad feeling about this!
Gold Fuzzy: UNLEASH!
He throws the two stones at Bowser’s head, shattering them.
Gold Fuzzy: Uh… whoops?
Bowser: … DIE!
Bowser flames him.
Goombella: Great! Now what will we do?
Bowser: I don’t know. What do you think we needed the stones for anyways?
Goombella: Oh they probably went into those big boulders near the entrance to Petal Meadows.
Bowser: Really?
Goombella: Yeah… Why are you looking at me like that?
Bowser: It’s true Goombas are very… flexible, right?
Goombella: Yeah… We have no bones… Why?
Bowser: Oh, just checking! Need to know everything about my minions! Let’s go back!
Goombella: Okay…
Meanwhile at the Mario Bros' house…
Luigi: I’m sure there is a hammer around here somewhere…
Luigi managed to find some Mushrooms underneath Mario’s bed but he still is hungry and can’t open either the fridge OR the pantry. He has no money as Mario keeps it locked up in the… pantry; so he can’t buy any food either. He is getting very depressed when suddenly he hears a noise.
Parakarry: MAIL CALL!!!
Luigi: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Parakarry flies away.
Parakarry: Another letter duly delivered. A postman’s job is never-
Luigi chucks a chair at him, barely missing.
Parakarry: ACK! See if I give YOU any letters!
Luigi takes the letter inside and begins
reading it.
Letter: Dear well… I guess whoever gets this letter! This is Crepe! I am a Cabinet Minister in the Waffle Kingdom!
Luigi: WAFFLE?! That implies FOOD!
Letter: Our land has been attacked by the Chestnut King, and he kidnapped Princess Eclair!
Luigi: This place sounds delicious!
Letter: All of our people are too fat from gorging themselves on food to rescue, her so I’m hoping you, Mario (or that other guy) can come immediately to see me! I have enclosed directions.
Luigi: Fat?! FOOD?! I’m there!
Luigi immediately leaves and heads for the Waffle Kingdom.
Meanwhile with Bowser…
Bowser and Goombella quickly pass through Petalburg. They leave with no incident, but on the way out Koops stops them.
Koops: Stop!
Bowser: What?!
Koops: I want to join you!
Bowser: You said that already!
Koops: But I mean it this time!
Bowser: Prove it!
Koops: All right… Watch this!
He goes into his shell and starts spinning around.
Goombella: That’s it? That doesn’t prove any-
Bowser: Shh. It looks cool.
Goombella: What?!
Koops stops and stands up.
Koops: What do you think?
Bowser: Welcome to my services!
Mysterious Voice: Koops joins your party!
Goombella: What? This guy again?!
Voice: His abilities include: running away like a scared little bunny, hiding inside of his shell, and running away like a scared little bunny while hiding inside of his shell!
Koops: That’s pretty accurate.
Voice: Now that you have Koops, Goombella will stay in your pocket until you need her!
Goombella: What?!
She flies up and shrinks, then disappears somewhere on Bowser.
Bowser: But I don’t HAVE pockets!
Koops: Eh… Whatever works!
Bowser: You know, that has been explaining a lot of things lately…
They shrug and start to walk on, until they are stopped by Koopie Koo!
Koopie Koo: Koops… You aren’t leaving, are you?
Koops gets a sad look in his eye and starts to walk over to her.
Koops: Yes, Koopie Koo, I am. I shall miss you, but know that I will always carry you in my heart. I will persevere without you-
Koopie Koo: Great! Just making sure you wouldn’t be following me around for a while!
She turns around, gaily humming and skipping.
Koops: I hope she does okay without me.
Bowser: I don’t think she likes you.
Koops: You’re right… she LOVES me!
Bowser: Uh, whatever. Let’s just go.
They keep traveling until they reach the boulders. Bowser walks over to the Sun one.
Bowser: I need Goombella!
Goombella pops out. Koops disappears.
Goombella: What do you want?
Bowser: This!
He grabs her and shoves her into the sun one. Because Goombas are so… flexible, he squishes her in the shape of a sun.
Goombella: HEY! Ow!
She tries to get out but she is to tightly wedged in. Bowser then walks over to the moon one.
Bowser: KOOPS!
Koops appears. Goombella still can’t move.
Koops: Yes? ACK!
He grabs Koops, takes him out of his shell, and shoves him in the moon slot. He barely fits.
Koops: OW!
The boulders begin to shake. Suddenly they shoot out Goombella and Koops. A voice calls out.
Voice: Incorrect objects! Destroying magic rock holder… thing.
The boulders then explode. The fragments shoot off, slightly injuring our party, but also destroying the stone around the pipe. Goombella quickly dashes back out of sight somewhere on Bowser and Bowser and Koops go into the pipe, which takes them to… Hooktail Castle!
Meanwhile in the Waffle Kingdom…
Luigi gets off the boat he rode into the Kingdom with. Waffle Kingdom is a very strange place. The houses all seem to be in the shape of pastries, with one in the shape of a giant doughnut with the door where the hole was. Now Luigi had had very little to eat in the last four days, some Mushrooms and some emergency “must-add water” rations, and unfortunately the captain could not find any water on the ocean. So, faced with all this food, Luigi closes his eyes in order to resist and runs… straight into a sign.
Luigi: Ow! That hurt! Wait… it says “Waffle Castle that way!”
The sign points to the right, so Luigi heads that way. He sees some of what must be Wafflers, they look just like Toads only with muffins on their heads… yeah, that’s not a waffle… Luigi can’t take it anymore and stops one.
Luigi: Do you have any food I can have?
Waffler: Yes the castle is right this way!
Luigi: But… Oh forget it, I’ll get something to eat at the castle.
He keeps going until he sees the castle. It is strange. It is similar to Peach’s although slightly rounder and brown. The biggest difference are the squares pock-marking it, like a waffle. In front of the castle door a Waffler stands, he’s slightly aged and has a larger muffin on his head… it appears to be cinnamon.
Crepe: Hello! I am Crepe! As you can tell by the crepe on my head!
Luigi: Actually that’s a cinnamon muffin.
Crepe: Oh? Then what’s a crepe?
Luigi: A sort of French pancake, often mixed with meat, cheese, and vegetables they are also sometimes covered in jam and-
Crepe: Yes, you’re smart. Now shut up and follow me inside.
They go inside.
Luigi: Uh, by the way… do you have any food?
Crepe: Yes! Why do you ask?
Luigi: Well I’m hungry and-
Crepe: Right! Princess Eclair!
Luigi: No, I want to eat-
Crepe: Yes, we do not know exactly where she is!
Luigi: *sigh* I wonder if that muffin is real…
Crepe: What?
Luigi: Nothing!
Crepe: Right! Anyways, we know how to find her! It is something called… The Marvelous Compass!
As Crepe says this Luigi inches closer and closer…
Crepe: Yes, the Chestnut King kidnapped her and disappeared! However, the Marvelous Compass will help us find her! It was split into seven pieces when someone dropped it! Then they mailed it to their relatives… or something illegal. Princess Eclair… Why are you eating my muffin?!
Luigi had taken several bites out of what appears to have been an actual muffin on Crepe’s head.
Luigi: Uh… It looked tasty?
Crepe: Oh, that’s okay then. Each piece of the Compass shall point to another piece, and the princess has a piece in her… crown thing…
Luigi: Crown?
Crepe: No, that other thing that princesses wear…
Luigi: Tiara?
Crepe: Yeah! Wait, how did you know? Did YOU help the Chestnut King?! YOU aren’t Mario, ARE you?
Luigi: No, I’m his brother, Luigi.
Crepe: Oh, that’s okay then. Anyways, I have the compass base right here, and it shall point to the next piece, hopefully ending up at the princess!
Luigi: What if it points to her first?
Crepe: Well then your adventure will be pathetically short, won’t it?
Luigi: Yeah… How is it supposed to point?
Crepe: I shall throw it!
Crepe throws it down.
Crepe: It points to the south! You must go to Rumblebump Volcano on the Pudding Continent!
Luigi: Never heard of it.
Crepe: Really? Well just go to the boat guy and tell him, he’ll find it! Here, take the compass!
So Luigi takes the compass and prepares for his exciting adventure!
Back to our main story…
Bowser and Koops enter Hooktail Castle. The only problem is the moat preventing them from getting inside.
Koops: Uh oh… What do we do?
Bowser: Simple! We cross that bridge!
Koops looks at the wooden bridge that covers half the moat. Only half.
Koops: Uh… Half the bridge is missing.
Bowser: Your point is?
Koops: We can’t walk over that!
Bowser: We won’t WALK! We’ll get to the edge, then you’ll throw me and then you’ll jump across!
Koops looks at Bowser, who is easily 3-5 times his size.
Koops: I can’t throw you.
Bowser: Are you saying I’m fat?!
Koops: Is there a correct way to answer this?
Bowser: KILL!
Bowser flames him across the bridge. Koops lands in front of the door.
Bowser: GET BACK HERE!
He breathes fire again, catching the bridge on fire.
Bowser: Oh no!
Bowser leaps across the gap, to in front of the main doors.
Koops: Don’t hurt me!
Bowser: I should… but you did get us across the bridge. So I won’t! For now…
They enter the doors… Inside they see a dank dungeon-like place, with many Koopa bones. They walk for a bit, feeling uncomfortable, until Koops sees one holding something, a letter of some sort.
Bowser: Let’s read it!
Koops: Oh sure, let's raid the dead, and destroy their privacy!
Bowser: Good idea!
Koops: What?! No, I didn’t-
Bowser: The letter says “Dear son, I am sorry that I died… wait I can’t be dead, I’m writing a letter! Anyways, I’m about to die not because of Hooktail but rather I’ve fallen on a small rock and am too injured to get up! This letter will probably never reach you so I don’t know why I’m bothering to write to you. Oh! Before I die I must write Hooktail’s weakness! He dislikes chirping noises, like a cricket, and even when he is weakened he can still bite! Sincerely, the father of Koops-
Koops: Oh my god! It’s my DAD!
Bowser: Koops’s FRIEND!
Koops: Oh. Well that’s okay then.
Bowser: That was a strange letter.
Koops: Yeah. Ooh, what’s that?
And so they quickly forget about the dead Koopa and dash forward, only to see a dead Koopa blocking the door. With RED bones.
Koops: We need to move it.
Bowser: SQUISH!
He prepares to smash it until the bones rise up to form… the Red Bones!
Red Bones: Have you no respect for the dead?!
Bowser: No, not really.
Red Bones: I see. Well than you shan’t leave alive! Dull Bones, ATTACK!
Dull Bones pour in from all directions. Bowser and Koops are slightly worried until they see the Dull Bones smashing themselves.
Red Bones: Dang! I wasn’t specific! Attack the Koopas, you fools!
The Dull Bones continue smashing themselves as they sort of ARE Koopas.
Red Bones: NO! Ah shoot.
All the Dull Bones are in pieces.
Bowser: You were saying?
Red Bones: Uh… I shall most likely NOT return! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
He runs away. Bowser and Koops continue through the castle. They travel for a while, doing normal dungeon things, solving puzzles, smashing blocks, turning enemies into dust, etc, until they encounter a black chest very similar to another one…
Chest: Hey! Is someone out there?
Bowser: Me.
Chest: Great! Can you get me out of here?
Bowser: I feel a strange sense that I shouldn’t listen to the chest… but it IS someone I don’t know about and how often do THEY lie?
Chest: Okay, to get me out you need to get a key guarded by spikes-
Bowser yanks the lid off. A purple spirit oozes out.
Spirit: HA HA HA! Now to punish you for saving me! DESTROY!
The Spirit flies up and then explodes, parts of its body impacting our heroes.
Bowser: That was different.
They continue, doing more fun dungeony things until they reach a room with a white mouse in it.
Bowser: Who are YOU?!
Ms. Mowz: Why I am Ms. Mowz, really good thief mouse, thing, YAY!
Bowser: Right… And why are you here?
Ms. Mowz: To steal things, you big hunky muffin, you!
Koops: WHAT?!
Bowser: SHH! Go on…
Ms. Mowz: Actually, that was about it…
Bowser: Oh.
Ms. Mowz: Bye!
She jumps out a window.
Koops: Aren’t we like 50 feet up?
Ms. Mowz: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
A splat sound is heard.
Bowser: Oh... That’s not good. Let’s keep going!
They keep traveling until they reach the top of the castle. A massive chamber lies in front of them.
Koops: I guess this is it!
Bowser: YAY! Crystal Star, treasure, and Peach, here I come!
They enter. Immediately after entering a giant red dragon far larger than Bowser greets them.
Hooktail: Hi! How’s it going? I’m a girl!
Bowser: Uh… Great. We’re here to take your Crystal Star!
Hooktail: Really? Oh, that’s too bad. That strange Koopa that jumped down my throat took it.
Bowser: What?
Suddenly Hooktail grabs her stomach and writhes violently.
Bowser: What’s happening?!
She turns on her side and opens her mouth. A Koopa holding a shining star pops out.
Koops: Dad!
Koops’s Dad: Son! It’s good to be out! I never should have jumped in there!
Koops: But why did you do that?
Koops’s Dad: It looked like fun! It wasn’t, though. Worst ten years of my life!
Koops: But why did you stay in there for ten years?
Koops’s Dad: Eh… nothing to look forward to. Plus I found this shiny star!
Koops: What about ME?!
Koops’s Dad: Oh, hello son! Didn’t see you there…
Koops: You were talking to me!
Koops’s Dad: So I was! Here, take this star!
He hands them the Crystal Star!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha! Only six left! But now do we have to climb all the way down? And how shall we cross the bridge?
Hooktail gets up.
Hooktail: Oh good, he’s out! Ever since I swallowed that star, well I’ve been in mild discomfort! Want a ride down?
Bowser: Okay!
Hooktail drops Bowser and Koops off at the pipe leading back to Rogueport.
Koops: WAIT! I want to go back to Petalburg!
Bowser smacks him.
Bowser: Silence, fool! Once in my services, you STAY in my services!
Rubbing his head, Koops and Bowser jump in the pipe.
Meanwhile at a secret facility…
A short, strange creature dressed in red and white clothes with a big X on them waddles through a high-tech building. He passes by several signs that say “Secret Moon Base! Don’t tell anyone!” He comes into a large room occupied by a massive person who appears to be half machine and also carrying a staff. The creature, an X-Naut, crosses its hands in an X formation on his shirt.
X-Naut: Lord Grodus, the giant turtle thing, Bowser, has retrieved a Crystal Star!
Grodus: That’s not good! He’s the one who defeated Lord Crump, isn’t he?
X-Naut: Yes! He is!
Grodus: Well how is Crump doing in finding that Crystal Star in Boggly Woods?
X-Naut: Not too good, he keeps forgetting what he’s supposed to do.
Grodus: Well then glue a Post-it to his head! I want those Stars!
X-Naut: Will do, sir!
The X-Naut waddles away. Grodus contemplates his Bowser problem.
Grodus: I know what to do! Shadow Sirens!
Three puddles of Shadows appear, then form into three female creatures, one short and hunched, Beldam; another large and fat, Marilyn; and the third in between and kind of cute, Vivian. All of their eyes are covered by either hair or their strange hats.
Beldam: You called?
Grodus: Yes! I wish you to take out a Bowser character; he is heading toward Boggly Woods! Although I’m not sure how I know that…
Beldam: Will do! Come, my beauties!
Marilyn: GUH!
Vivian: Well… okay… If you say so…
They disappear.
Grodus: They should do fine. With Marilyn leading them, they can’t fail!
In another part of the fortress…
Princess Peach wakes up on the cold ground.
Peach: What the? Oh no, did I get kidnapped again?! I’m sick of it! Is that all I can do? Get captured?! Well no more! I will put a stop to it! Just as soon as someone rescues me. Preferably Mario.
Suddenly the door opens. Peach glances at it suspiciously but then goes through it. She enters a futuristic hallway and travels down it until another door opens. She goes through that too. She finds herself in a dim room lit only by the blinking lights on a rather large computer. It starts talking in a pompous voice.
TEC: I am TEC, the most powerful computer in the world!
Peach: Really? You’re kind of big… I’d rather have a laptop, with wireless Internet access.
TEC: Well, that’s not important… It’s not size but what’s inside that counts!
Peach: Sure… What’s TEC stand for?
TEC: Well it depends on my mood.
Peach: Your mood?
TEC: Yes, I have mood swings at regular intervals.
Peach: You’re Bipolar?
TEC: Yes, the first and only bipolar computer!
Peach: Right…
TEC: Currently TEC stands for Terrifically Extraordinary Computer! But in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-
His voice abruptly changes to a sad, depressed one.
TEC: My life stinks. Now TEC stands for Terribly Empty Computer.
Peach: How can your life stink? You’re not alive!
TEC: I know. I brought you here because I’m sad to say that I run the entire fortress and I wanted someone to complain to.
Peach: Right… How about you let me write a message to someone? You can do that at least, right?
TEC: I suppose…
Peach walks over and starts to type a message.
Peach: Well I think I’ll address it to whoever is trying to rescue me… hopefully it's Mario…
What will happen next? Bowser will go for the next Star, and make a new friend… sort of. Luigi will reach Rumblebump and Mario will reach Petalburg… slightly late. Who will succeed in their quest? Find out next time! Hopefully…