Chapter Two: A Ghostly Actor, Trees with Doors, and Really Tiny People!
After getting the first Crystal Star, Bowser and Koops head back to Rogueport. Bowser has no clue what to do, so he decides to head to Frankly, the map-obsessed weirdo. Once there, Frankly greets them.
Frankly: Did you bring me more MAPS?!
Bowser: Uh… no. I was just wondering, I got a Crystal Star and I don’t know what to do!
Frankly: You must buy me MAPS!
Bowser: Okay… How about after I get all the Crystal Stars, YOU can have my Magical Map!
Frankly: Ooh! OKAY! I have researched much and I think you must go down to the Thousand Second Door and hold the map up in front of it.
Koops: Hasn’t it been more than a Thousand Seconds now?
Frankly: And who are you?
Koops: Uh… I’m Koops and-
Frankly: And you have no MAPS, therefore making you worthless. But I shall answer your question anyways! It shall always be the Thousand Second Door, because nothing else sounds as cool. Would you try to open the Fifteen Minute Door? I think not!
Koops: Okay… Let’s just go…
Bowser and Koops head down to the sewers. On their way they see a small, gray creature. It sees them and dashes to a hiding spot.
Koops: What was that?
Bowser: I don’t care! It’s too small to be CONQUERED in a brutal battle involving the massive armies of the King of the Koopas!
Koops: Stop saying that, you’re only the King of SOME Koopas.
Bowser’s eyes grow small.
Bowser: Are you turning traitorous?
Small flames leak out of his mouth. The area becomes dark.
Koops: NO! Of course not! I love Bowser, heh heh…
Bowser turns to normal and the room brightens up. They enter the Door room and Bowser stands on the pedestal, holds the map up… brilliant light show, yeah, we know about this already… Anyways, a massive white and black tree appears on the map by another Crystal Star!
Bowser: Let’s go there!
Koops: But I’ve never heard of a white and black tree.
Bowser: Than I shall create one!
Koops: I don’t think that’ll work…
Bowser: FINE! Than I shall ask Frankly for assistance. Kings HATE asking for help.
So back they go to Frankly’s.
Frankly: Ah! You’re back! Did you-
Bowser: No, we did not get you any maps. I want to know how to get here.
He points at the tree on the map.
Frankly: Ahh! Boggly Woods! Rumor is, they are inhabited by tiny, gray people and there is a secret pipe deep in the sewers!
Bowser: Hmm… Something’s coming to me…
Koops: Actually I know where that is-
Bowser: SILENCE!
Koops: I was just saying-
Bowser: AH HA! Down by that small, scared creature! And I figured it out before you!
Koops: Just don’t get him mad…
Bowser: Get WHO mad?
Koops: Uh… Not you?
Bowser: Okay. Good.
They leave. Just as they are about to go down the pipe, Parakarry flies by.
Parakarry: MAIL CALL!
He drops what appears to be a Gameboy Advance SP on Koops’s head and then flies away.
Koops: OW!
Bowser: What’s this?
He picks it up and turns it on. A chime sounds and a robotic voice speaks.
Voice: To whoever is currently trying to rescue Peach…
Peach’s voice emanates from the device.
Peach: Dear person, I am fine although I am trapped in some kind of futuristic fortress. Please rescue me, it’s REALLY boring. Sincerely, Peach. PS: Whoever you are, hopefully Mario, please send a message back.
Bowser: COOL! I know just what to say!
He types on it for a while, then drops it on the ground.
Bowser: Come on!
Koops: Aren’t you going to send it?
Bowser: I did! Parakarry will fly down and pick it up!
Bowser jumps into the pipe, with Koops following close behind. A Bandit walks by and picks up the SP, and prepares to pocket it. Parakarry dive-bombs him from out of nowhere. Once Bowser and Koops get into the sewers they travel to where they saw the tiny creature. They spot it again, but it quickly dashes through a small hole in the wall.
Koops: Shoot! If only we'd stopped it!
Bowser: Think you fit in that hole?
Koops: Uh… no…
Bowser: I think you can!
Bowser grabs him and starts trying to stuff him in the hole. The wall falls down.
Bowser: Wow, not a strong wall.
They go inside and see the thing huddled in a corner. They surround it.
Bowser: HELP ME, INSIGNIFICANT WORM!
Koops: Oh sure, like that’s going to make him help us!
Bowser: I though it would be fun!
Punio: Don’t hurt me!
Bowser: THAN TAKE US THROUGH YOUR HOMELAND!
Koops: Bowser!
Bowser: Wait…
Punio: Okay! I, Punio the Puni, shall take you to Boggly Woods!
Bowser: See?
Koops: Yeah, yeah…
Punio: But on one condition!
Koops: What?
Punio: These big bullies have taken over our tree and teamed up with the Jabbies, our mortal enemies! You must help me rescue my people and get them out of my home!
Bowser: Now wait, that sounds like a lot of work-
Punio: Well I thought since you’re so big and strong you could help, but if you’re afraid…
Bowser: ME! AFRAID! Just for that I’ll help you! Take that!
Koops: What?
Bowser: I’m doing what he wants in order to trick him!
Koops: How?
Bowser: Shut up! Let’s just go!
Punio goes through a series of small tunnels. Bowser simply plows through the poorly made walls, with Koops right behind. Eventually they end up in a small room with a warp pipe in it. They all jump in.
Meanwhile with Mario…
The captain drives Mario up to a little river, just outside Petalburg.
Captain: Now get off, and NEVER come back!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Mario stands there.
Captain: Now!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Mario continues to just stand there.
Captain: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH! GET OFF!
He kicks Mario off the ship and then drives away very fast.
Captain: HA HA HA! He’s gone! Finally GONE!
The Captain crashes into a rock, and sinks.
Captain: At least he’s gone!
His voice trails off to a stream of gurgles. Mario shrugs and then walks into Petalburg. He doesn’t travel far until he notices a poster of Peach hanging in a window.
Mario: Woohoo!
He runs inside the house and finds Peach everything: plush dolls, pictures, BOOKS! He quickly snags many of the items and stuffs them in his pockets. He then decides that he should be the only one with Peach things, so he smashes everything else. Just as he is about done the Koopa who owns the stuff walks in.
Peach-Obsessed Koopa: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! My stuff! How could you DO this?!
Mario: It’s-a me-a, Mario!
Peach-Obsessed Koopa: I don’t care! DIE!
In a fit of adrenaline-powered rage, the Koopa throws Mario through the window, then follows him outside with every intent to murder him.
Peach-Obsessed Koopa: I will chase you to the ends of the earth!
Mario: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Back to our main story…
Bowser and Koops aren’t the only ones who recently arrived in Boggly Woods, the Shadow Sirens are here too! As Bowser and gang arrive, the Sirens are in an area just ahead of them, and they are having a bit of trouble…
Beldam: What do you mean we don’t know what Bowser looks like?
Vivian: Well, I lost the picture, but I heard his discription!
Beldam: Fine, what does he SUPPOSEDLY look like?
Vivian: Well, he’s a giant, firebreathing, bipedal turtle with a large, spiky shell.
Beldam: But that could be anyone!
Vivian: I know!
Beldam: Marilyn, you’re the leader, what should we do?
Marilyn: GUH HUH!
Beldam: Of course! He must come by here sometime and we’ll trap him then!
Vivian starts to move, until she falls over.
Vivian: OWWWWWWWW! Beldam, why did you trip me?
Beldam: I didn’t, I’m ten feet away! Besides, you don’t have LEGS, how can you trip?
Vivian: I just can!
The sisters continue to argue until Bowser walks by.
Bowser: Hey, can you tell us where the Great Boggly Tree is? Punio here can’t remember!
Punio: I will! Eventually…
Koops: We walked in circles around the pipe for twenty minutes!
Punio: Well, I thought it was a magic warp thing…
Beldam: Well, I think it's right there.
She points at a clearly visible massive tree sticking straight up in the woods.
Bowser: How could you not lead us to that?!
Punio: I’m six inches high! I can’t even see past a bush!
Koops: And we relied on your directions.
They walk towards the tree, berating Punio every step of the way.
Beldam: Now where were we? Ah yes! Do you have that picture of Bowser?
Vivian: NO! I lost it!
Beldam: Well we need to find it! How many giant, firebreathing, bipedal turtles with a large, spiky shell do we see around here?
At the Great Boggly Tree…
They walk to a large, metal door in the trunk.
Punio: Huh? I don’t remember ordering a contractor!
Bowser: What?
Punio: A contractor! To fix the tree!
Koops: That doesn’t make any sense!
Punio: Neither does your FACE!
Koops: Yeah, that was a BAD insult.
Punio: I know.
They walk to the door but discover that it is unopenable.
Punio: That’s okay! There is a SECRET entrance around here somewhere! However, only Madame Flurrie can find it! She is an actor that retired and lives at the side of the woods!
Koops: Why do you have an entrance that can only be found by someone who doesn’t even live here?
Punio: I know! Isn’t it cool?
Bowser: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! Let’s just get to Flurrie and get that Crystal Star!
He breathes a bit of fire to get them to start moving. They travel to the ends of the Woods, running into Clefts and Pale Piranhas, who pale after seeing the might of BOWSER, King of the Koopas! Sorry, I got paid extra for adding that last part. Anyways, they reach a large house on the edge of the Woods. They enter into a massive, opulent room!
Koops: Wow!
Punio: Eh… The Great Tree is better, it has roots and grasses and evil creatures that sneak up on you when you’re sleeping and eat you!
Koops: How is THAT better?
Punio: Uh… It just IS!
While they are arguing a voice calls out.
Flurrie: Uh… Do you have an appointment?
Bowser: NO! We need you to open the secret path to the tree!
Flurrie: Uh… I can’t come out because those purple things at the entrance stole something of mine!
Punio: Then let’s go beat them up!
Koops: What did they steal?
Flurrie: Uh… Something.
Koops: What kind of-
Bowser: Oh forget it! She’s not going to help us, unless we get that thing! Let’s just get it over with.
So back they go to the Shadow Sirens. They are still trying to find the picture of Bowser.
Vivian: I'm telling you, we don't need it! I can spot him!
Beldam: Are you SURE?
Vivian: Yes! I am!
Bowser: Did any of you take something from a person who lives around here?
Vivian: No, but I did find this cool necklace!
She holds up a purple necklace.
Punio: That's hers!
Vivian: But I found it on the moon!
Punio: I don't care! That's Flurrie's! Let's take it!
Vivian: NO! I won't let you! Come on, Sisters! Let's fight them!
Vivian goes into a battle stance. Her sisters don't move.
Marilyn: GUH HUH!
Beldam: She has a point, Vivian, we shouldn't fight. Just hand it over.
Vivian: NO! I will never back down! I will-
Bowser steps on her and takes the necklace. They then go back to Flurrie's house.
Vivian: Ow.
Beldam: Well this is boring. Let's just go back to Grodus and say Bowser never came.
Marilyn: GUH!
Beldam: I know... I know.
At Flurrie's House...
Bowser: We got your necklace!
Flurrie: Great!
She comes out of her room. She is a ghostly white person with an insubstantial white mist for legs. She is also wearing an identical necklace.
Koops: Uh... You already have one...
Flurrie: I know! When I heard the Sirens had one just like mine, well I had to do something!
She takes the necklace, and then blows very hard on it until it shatters against the wall.
Bowser: I would have destroyed it...
Flurrie: I will help you open up the entrance and assist you in whatever you are doing, for I once was an actress, and I did all of my own stunts! That's how I lost my legs!
Koops: Stunts? What kind of plays were you doing?
Punio: NEVER QUESTION HER!
Koops: Okay!
Flurrie: Let's go!
Voice: Flurrie has joined your party! She will be able to blow on things, and make people uncomfortable because of her extreme lack of clothes!
Flurrie: I’m wearing clothes! They’re just insubstantial and revealing…
Koops: What exactly ARE you?
Flurrie: I am a…
Her voice trails off.
Koops: What?
Flurrie: Oh, you know!
Koops: No, I don’t. You can’t be a ghost because according to you, you can be hit and lose limbs, but I don’t know that many pure white people with mist for feet.
Bowser: Oh, shut up! Just do what Goombella does and DISAPPEAR!
Koops disappears. The rest head for the Great Boggly Tree. Once there Flurrie floats up to a sign that says SECRET ENTRANCE and points out a little hole for Punio. He climbs in it, then somehow opens the doors for Bowser and Flurrie even though he is two feet lower than the controls and he has no arms. They finally enter… the Great Boggly Tree!
Meanwhile with Luigi…
Luigi, after getting a small boat from Crepe, rides to the Pudding Continent, that is technically a small island. After three days during which he survived entirely on canned waffles, he reaches the continent. Still starving and desperate to finish this bizarre adventure, Luigi gets off and enters a vast jungle. Once there he traverses through it. He blazes a trail by smashing bushes and more than once a small animal. About halfway through the jungle he trips on a root and cries out. A small Blooper, on hearing the noise, floats by.
Blooey: HI! Let me HELP you!
He floats over and starts blasting Luigi with ink.
Luigi: ACK! What are you DOING?!
Blooey: Whee! This game is fun!
Luigi: Wait… Bloopers are like octopi, and those are edible! Come back!
Blooey: YAY! Follow me!
Luigi chases the hyper Blooper all the way to Rumblebump Volcano. Inside it, well, it is like a Mt. Lavalava or the Barrel Volcano. The Blooper skillfully leads Luigi through all the traps and perils.
Luigi: Come here and let me eat you!
Blooey: Move with the speedy and the fastness!
Eventually they get to a large chamber. A gigantic statue with a red gem on its forehead is stomping around pools of lava. Luigi ignors it and grabs the Blooper.
Blooey: Oh no, you caught me! You win!
Luigi: Blooper tastes best cooked!
Luigi tosses Blooey into a lava pool.
Blooey: OWWWWWW!
Blooey flies up and slams into the statue’s gem. The statue crumbles, leaving behind another piece of the Marvelous Compass! The now blackened Blooey floats down to Luigi.
Blooey: Man, the penalties for losing to you are HARSH!
Luigi attempts to chew on Blooey but his crispened skin proves hard and unyielding. Dejected, he picks up the Compass Piece and puts it on the base he has. An eerie voice emanates from it.
Voice: The next piece is at Plumpbelly Village on the Strudel Continent! GO NOW!
So Luigi, with his inedible companion Blooey, heads off for the next area. That they have no clue how to get to.
Voice: YOU FOOL! Follow the signs!
Luigi sees what appear to be gigantic neon signs with arrows pointing west and words saying “Strudel Continent this way, you FOOL!” Maybe he’ll discover something to eat there!
Back to Bowser…
They enter the Tree. Inside they are immediately greeted by two X-Nauts.
X-Naut 1: Well hi, dudearino!
X-Naut 2: Welcome to our tree, where we have enlisted the help of the Jabbies, the Punies' mortal enemies, in order to find the Crystal Star!
X-Naut 1: Are we supposed to tell people that?
X-Naut 2: Eh, we get paid either way.
Bowser: OUT OF MY WAY!
X-Naut 1: Alrighty, Mr. Dude!
X-Naut 2: ROCK ON!
They run away. As our party is shaking their heads in confusion, eleven Punies come out of hiding. A fat one who, although the largest Puni, is still only about up to Bowser’s ankle, walks up to them.
Puniper: Who do you think you are?!
Punio: I’m a Puni!
Puniper: How dare you run off and enlist help from these large, powerful people?!
Punio: Great idea, huh?
Puniper: Well I’m not even responding to your replies, it’s like I’m having an entirely different conversation! I won’t help you unless you free the Puni Elder!
Punio: Okay!
Puniper: I don’t care if you think it’s hard! Do it!
Bowser, Flurrie, and Punio start traveling through the tree. On their way through it they encounter several X-Nauts who merely say “What’s up?” and then walk off, and they also ran into Yuxs. The Yux were genetically created to battle but they are very depressed because they discovered that people called them “pathetically ugly”, so all the Yux merely sit in corners and cry. Soon they reach a chamber with two cages. The Elder is in a medium red one, while the other 90 Punies are in a large blue one.
Punio: Elder! I have come to rescue you!
He easily passes through the wide bars and greets the Elder.
Elder: YOU FOOL! You can’t be here until you get a key!
Punio: SORRY!
They pass by the other cage. Inside Punita, Punio’s sister yells out to him.
Punita: I have a really stale Mushroom for you!
Punio: I can’t wait!
They keep going and they enter a small storage room. Inside Ms. Mowz resides!
Bowser: But you’re dead!
Ms. Mowz: No, you adorable hunk! I actually survived the fall! I’m very light, and as you know mice ALWAYS land on their feet!
Flurrie: That’s cats.
Ms. Mowz: Wow. So I defied some laws of physics there, didn’t I?
Bowser: Sure.
Ms. Mowz: Anyways, here is the key for the Elder's cage, and the Crystal Star is at the bottom of the tree. NOW MARRY ME!
Bowser: How about… NO?
Ms. Mowz: Then I shall go away, to steal another day!
She dashes through a hole in the tree.
Flurrie: Aren’t we, like, three stories up?
Ms. Mowz: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
A distinctive splat sound is heard.
Bowser: That lady is WEIRD!
Punio: YAY! Key! Now to free the Elder!
They go back to the cage and release the Elder. The Elder comes out and then expands to the size of Flurrie!
Elder: HOW DARE YOU RUN AWAY TO GET HELP?! NOW I SHALL LECTURE YOU!
She shrinks back down and starts talking to Punio.
Bowser: Forget this.
He grabs both of them and carries them down to the tree’s entrance. He then throws the Elder into a corner.
Elder: HOW DARE YOU THROW ME?! I SHALL LECTURE YOU!
Everyone ignores her.
Puniper: Well, I guess you rescued the Elder. But I STILL won’t help you!
Bowser: Fine.
Bowser, Flurrie, and Punio continue in a different direction through the tree, with Bowser melting doors in his way.
Bowser: I should have done this to the entrance door.
Eventually they get a room with a large hive. Ten insect-like creatures come out of it.
Punio: Oh no! The Jabbies!
They charge. They bounce of Bowser. He flames them.
Bowser: Those guys were sad.
They break through the hive and retrieve a blue key. They go back to the blue cage and free all the Punies.
Punita: Now eat my Mushroom!
Punio: Okay!
She hands him a very dried up stale Mushroom. He eats it… and passes out.
Punita: Oh no! Now I can’t help you!
Bowser: I do not care. I just want that STAR!
Bowser and Flurrie leave. They travel until they get to another room with a hive, and 100 Jabbies come out! They charge… and Bowser flames them. He then destroys their hive and enters the next room, where he is trapped in a cage! Lord Crump comes out. (Lord Drash highly dislikes Crump, because Lord Drash is the ONLY Lord around. I got paid for that! YAY!)
Crump: HA HA HA! Now I have trapped you in a fragile cage! Uh… What do I do now?
Bowser: Go away?
Crump: Okay!
Crump goes away. Bowser easily breaks the cage, but his strain causes him to fall through the floor, into a room with a large chest! He decides to open the chest, and inside is a pair of boots! Suddenly the world turns white and Flurrie disappears. A female Toad walks up to Bowser from out of nowhere.
Toadette: WOW! You’re really big!
Bowser: Uh… yeah.
Toadette: I shall teach you how to use your new boots! Only, putting them on seems to be impossible, and you’re really heavy so they are kind of useless… Bye!
She takes the boots and goes away.
Bowser: That was weird.
The world returns to normal. Bowser and Flurrie continue through the Great Tree until they get to a room with many large vases.
Flurrie: Perhaps something important is in them.
Bowser: So destroy them I shall!
Bowser destroys many of the valuable and irreplaceable vases until one reveals the Crystal Star! Bowser grabs it!
Bowser: YES!
Crump: NO!
Crump dashes by and grabs a rock off the ground.
Crump: I got the Star!
Bowser: NO!
Flurrie: Uh, Bowser, it’s in your sh-
Bowser: GET HIM!
Crump: Now I shall activate a bomb!
He clicks a remote.
Crump: You have, uh… two minutes? What was I doing?
Bowser: DIE!
Crump: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Bowser and Crump race through the tree. They stop at the entrance.
Crump: That does it! I shall activate the Magnus Von Grapple!
He clicks another remote and a giant robot suit appears. Crump gets in it.
Crump: Prepare to… what? I forgot.
Bowser: Turn off the bomb, you fool!
Crump: Bomb... bomb… Ah! That’s right! It’s in my robot! Uh oh…
A small explosion goes off, sending Crump flying out of the tree. He drops the rock. Bowser takes out the Star.
Bowser: I got the Star!
The Punies walk over.
Punio: I just want to-
Bowser: BYE!
He and Flurrie leave.
Meanwhile, with Peach…
Peach has recently been wandering around in her room, wondering if the bipolar eccentric TEC will let her out again. Just as she is thinking this, the door opens.
Peach: I guess that’s him!
She enters TEC’s room.
TEC: I have a letter for you, that was not made by my brilliance.
Peach: YAY! It’s probably from Mario!
TEC prints the letter out. Peach reads it. It says “Dear Peach, this is BOWSER, King of the Koopas! I am coming to rescue you because Mario doesn’t like you anymore! Write back, sincerely Bowser”
Peach: Wow. Mario is a lazy Italian jerk.
TEC: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… *sigh* Do you wish to send a letter?
Peach: Eh… nah. I don’t feel like responding to Bowser.
TEC: Well because I wish to be entertained, please dance with a holographic representation of you!
TEC projects a hologram of Peach.
Peach: Yeah… You’re weird.
TEC: JUST DO IT!!! *sigh*
Peach: Man, you’re like tripolar or something!
She attempts to grab the hologram, but her hand goes right through it.
Peach: Uh… How do I dance with what I can’t touch?
TEC: THEN LEAVE!!!
Peach: Fine!
She leaves. What will happen next time? Will Luigi get somewhere? Will Mario escape the Koopa? Will Bowser get the next Star?! Why do a lot of the characters (Yoshis) and enemies (Goombas, Bob-ombs, Boos) not wear clothes?! Most of this shall be answered next time! Not the clothes thing, though.