Chapter Five: Sailing on the Sea! Attacked by Fire Spirits! Stabbed by Pointy Swords! Yo ho! A Pirate’s Life for Me!
Bowser and Vivian make it back to Rogueport. They go to the Thousand Second Door, and use the Map to reveal the location of the next Star, a small island located in the middle of the sea!
Bowser: What?! What kind of strange landmass is that?!
Vivian: I think it’s an island-
Bowser: What?! That’s impossible! No ISLAND could grow out there!
Vivian: Um… Islands don’t grow-
Bowser: To Frankly! Maybe HE can explain this!
Vivian: I hate this guy.
They go to Frankly, who amazingly says-
Frankly: MAPS!
Bowser: No! Don’t be stupid!
Vivian: You’re one to talk.
Bowser: What?
Vivian: Uh… Bowser rocks?
Bowser: Okay!
Frankly: Look, as much as I appreciate you charging into my house, insulting me, and then arguing, I want you to tell me what you want.
Bowser: Can an island grow in the middle of the ocean?
Frankly: Well… according to my map on the wall they can!
Vivian: But islands don’t grow!
Frankly: Do YOU have a map on the wall?
Vivian: Well no, but…
Frankly: Then you are finished!
Vivian: Finished with what?
Bowser: QUIET! Frankly, how do we get to this “island”?
Frankly: Well you need a boat, and there’s a rich guy called Flavio with a boat in the town bar but-
Bowser: Okay bye!
He grabs Vivian and they run out.
Frankly: I was going to say he’s rather grumpy after three Bob-ombs hit him in the head!
Bowser and Vivian reach the bar. They enter to see a rather twitchy dressed up rich man.
Flavio: Don’t come near me!
He grabs a bottle and shatters it, holding it out like a weapon. He backs into a corner.
Flavio: No one is going to get me! Ever since those Bob-ombs fell on me I knew that YOU would come for me!
Vivian: You’re crazy.
Bowser: I want your BOAT!
Flavio: Well too bad!
Bowser starts walking toward Flavio. Flavio swipes at him with the bottle, cutting his arm slightly. Bowser flames him.
Flavio: Okay… you can have the boat!
Bowser: And you’re coming with us!
Flavio: Sounds reasonable! Let me get the boat ready!
Flavio runs out.
Vivian: Are you sure we can trust him?
Bowser: Of course we can! Why wouldn’t we?
Vivian: Well he just went insane and babbled about people trying to get him.
Bowser: I don’t see your point.
Vivian: Whatever.
They leave. They go to the docks where they discover Flavio has managed to procure a crew for his ship. Except he’s missing one thing…
Flavio: Where is my sanity?!
Bowser: I don’t know! Can we go?
Flavio: No. We still need a navigator as none of us know what we’re doing.
Sailor: Actually I do-
Flavio: SILENCE!
Bowser: Well… where are we supposed to find one?
Flavio: Apparently there is a Bob-omb named Admiral Bobbery who can do it! He lives in the house on the east that has a sign on it saying “GO AWAY! THIS MEANS YOU!” Can you get him?
Bowser: I guess…
Bowser and Vivian begin to leave when a strangely familiar person walks up to them.
Four-Eyes: I am NOT Lord Crump!
Bowser: Didn’t say you were.
Four-Eyes: Just making sure you knew that, considering I look act and talk like… What was I doing again?
Vivian: Running into that wall?
Four-Eyes: Sounds good!
He starts running into the side of the boat, over and over and over.
Bowser: Uh… Let’s get Bobbery…
They head over to his house. The door is locked but it doesn’t take much for Bowser to bust it down. A Bob-omb with an admiral’s hat, a ship wheel for a turn crank, and a large, lustrous mustache is inside.
Bobbery: AHHHH! What are you doing in my house?
Bowser: We need you to steer a ship for me.
Bobbery: No… I vowed never to go on the ocean again after my Scarlette died.
Vivian: Did she die on the ocean?
Bobbery: No… She died when I was out at sea. She got sick.
Vivian: So you decided to never go to the ocean again because…
Bobbery: It had nothing to do with it… I just wanted to blame something other than me.
Vivian: Well you COULD blame poor healthcare!
Bobbery: Why, you’re right! All right I love the sea again! I shall help you!
Bowser: Great. Let’s go.
They start heading back towards the docks. Just as they pass the bar a voice calls out to them.
Ms. Mowz: Bowser baby!
They all turn around to see Ms. Mowz on a platform leading to a “Lovely Howz of Badges” about ten feet in the air.
Bowser: Not you! I thought you were dead!
Ms. Mowz: True love kept me alive!
Bowser: Really? Who’s your true love?
Ms. Mowz: You!
Bowser: Dang! Should have seen that coming.
Ms. Mowz: And now I shall come to you!
She jumps off the platform.
Ms. Mowz: Why do I keep doing this?! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
She hits the ground and doesn’t move.
Bobbery: Is she dead?
Bowser: No! Let’s get out of here! Before she gets up…
They run to the dock and get on the boat. Ms. Mowz’s fingers twitch…
Flavio: Excellent! You got us a navigator! Let’s go!
They leave, with Admiral Bobbery informing them the way to go. After three days of traveling in which everyone gets sick of Bowser’s shouted demands and statements that he’s going to CONQUER everything and everyone, they are REALLY looking forward to getting to the island, which is known as Keelhaul Key. However, soon before they get there a strange mist covers the ship…
Bowser: And then I shall conquer the Glitz Pit and Marrymore and- What’s going on?!
Vivian: I don’t know!
Flavio: It is the PIRATE GHOSTS!
Bowser: Yeah right!
Several blue fire spirits appear.
Bowser: Uh… oh…
Embers: KILL!
They fly into the ship, sending parts of it ablaze. The ship begins to sink.
Bowser: I shall never be able to conquer again!
Vivian: Oh shut up!
Meanwhile, with Mario…
After falling out of the blimp Mario managed to reach the shore. After a bit of hiking he eventually came to Twilight Town. He has no clue where the Blimp Captain is. He lost him in the ocean. Upon reaching Twilight Town he doesn’t see much going on, except a random X-Naut. (Lord Crump is with Bowser… er… Four-Eyes is with Bowser.)
Mario: Woohoo!
X-Naut: Woah dude! What do you want?
Mario: Let’s-a go!
X-Naut: I’m supposed to call this in-
Mario: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
X-Naut: Woah! Hey, don’t yell at me, dude!
Mario: Babies!
X-Naut: Dude… did you just call me a BABY?!
Mario: Okeydokey!
X-Naut: HOW DARE YOU?!
He rings up a ringer thinger. Dozens of X-Nauts begin pouring out of houses.
X-Naut 2: I bet he has a Crystal Star! GET HIM!
Mario: Crikey!
Mario runs. The X-Nauts chase. Mario runs some more. The X-Nauts continue chasing. This could go on for a while.
Back to Bowser…
Bowser and Vivian wash up on the shore of Keelhaul Key.
Bowser: Uh… hey! We’re here!
Vivian: What?
Bowser: We made it to Keelhaul Key!
Vivian: How do you know?
Bowser: That sign.
He points to a conveniently placed sign stating that they have indeed arrived at Keelhaul Key.
Vivian: Oh. I knew that.
Bowser: Come! Let us discover our shipwrecked companions!
Vivian: What makes you think they’re here?
Bowser: Lack of common sense!
Vivian: Oh… Wait, what?
Bowser and Vivian go past some trees and see some kind of makeshift shanty town set up with the ruins of the boat. And standing there, giving orders to everyone is…
Flavio: YES! It’s Bowser and the… purple person thing… yeah.... You’re ALIVE!
Bowser: Yes…
Flavio: Great! Because three of the people with us are still missing, Four-Eyes, Bobbery, and Sailor 2. I believe they are lost in the jungle so you must find them!
Bowser: Do they have a Crystal Star?
Flavio: Uh… Yes?
Bowser: Then rescue them I shall!
Vivian: Right…
They go to the jungle. Inside they see Putrid Piranhas, Flower Fuzzies, and Green Fuzzies, but they are all quickly flamed, stomped, or squished. Eventually they come to a bridge with the three missing crewmates. However they are pinned by three Embers!
Bobbery: I say! I don’t appreciate this!
Four-Eyes: HEY! It’s Bowser! Rescue us!
Bowser: How?
Sailor 2: I don’t know, squish them?!
Bowser: They’re on fire!
Vivian: Well maybe we could throw something at them-
Bowser: Great idea!
He grabs her and whips her into an Ember, killing it.
Vivian: OW!
The other Embers run off into the woods.
Bobbery: Save these guys! I shall take out those ruffians!
Bowser: But I can take-
Vivian: Oh shut up and put me down! He already left!
Bowser: Fine!
He puts her down. Sailor 2 and Four-Eyes run back to camp. Four-Eyes stops, turns and says to no one in particular-
Four-Eyes: I am NOT Lord Crump!
Vivian: Uh… Who are you talking to?
Four-Eyes: Not you!
He runs away. Bowser starts to follow them.
Vivian: WHAT are you doing?!
Bowser: Uh… Going back to the camp?
Vivian: What about Bobbery?
Bowser: Eh… He’s probably dead.
Vivian: Oh yeah… Well what if he has a Crystal Star?
Bowser: Then rescue him I will!
He dashes off in the direction Bobbery went. Vivian follows. They see Bobbery lying on the ground by a pair of Embers.
Bowser: They killed him!
Bobbery: I’m not dead!
Bowser: I shall avenge you!
He grabs Bobbery and slams the Embers with hi,, taking them out.
Bowser: Even in death he fights bravely!
Bobbery: I’m not dead!
Vivian: Bowser, I don’t think he’s dead-
Bowser: Let’s bury him!
Both: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bowser: Well fine.
Bobbery: I’m not DEAD!
Bowser: Ack! Bobbery! You’re alive!
Bobbery: Yes I am, you insane turtle! Now let’s go back to the camp!
Bowser: All right…
They go back to the camp. Flavio greets them.
Flavio: YAY! You’re back! Now I shall take out this valuable gem and dance like an idiot!
He takes out a large gem in the shape of a skull and dances around.
Bowser: This is great and all but I WANT THAT CRYSTAL STAR!
Bobbery: Well I saw something suspicious over where I was…
Bowser: And you didn’t tell me then because...?
Bobbery: Uh… Let me join your group?
Bowser: A new minion! Of course!
Voice: Bobbery joined your party! He can explode and… well that’s about all he’s good for!
Bobbery: Shoot! Why did I ask to join?!
Bowser: Lead the way!
Vivian disappears. Bobbery leads Bowser to a place with a pair of statues and a large wall with a sign in front of it saying that beyond the wall lies “Pirate’s Grotto!”
Bowser: Blow up the wall!
Bobbery: But it’s so big!
Bowser: BLOW IT UP!
Bobbery: Fine.
Bobbery spends ten minutes exploding by the wall until Bowser gets bored and knocks it down. They then enter… Pirate’s Grotto!
Meanwhile, with Luigi…
After a few days, Luigi, Blooey, Jerry and Torque touched down at Jazzafraz Town! The town was rather small; it was populated entirely by Dazees. The houses were shaped like flowers, the sidewalk was shaped like flowers, and even the flowers were shaped like flowers!
Jerry: Oh no! It’s an entire town full of FLOWER PEOPLE!
Luigi: Don’t be ridiculous! I’m sure they’re reasonably normal-
A Dazee skips over.
Dazee: Peace! LA LA LA!
He skips away.
Torque: Let’s get out of here!
Luigi: Agreed.
They start to leave when a green Dayzee walks up to them.
Hayzee: Hey! I’m Hayzee!
Luigi: Uh, great. Listen we need to go-
Hayzee: I’m a producer!
Luigi: Good for you.
Hayzee: You’re in my production!
Luigi: That’s nice- wait, WHAT?!
Hayzee: You’re in my play!
Luigi: No I’m not. I’m looking for a Compass Piece.
Hayzee: But the Compass is the prize!
Luigi: Really?! What’s the play?
Hayzee: "The Mystery of the Fiery Hat of Social Awareness!”
Luigi: What? I never heard of it.
Hayzee: It’s a BIG hit over here.
Luigi: Fine. What part do I play?
Hayzee: You get to be grass!
Luigi: Grass.
Hayzee: Yes, grass!
Luigi: Like grass that grows on the ground?
Hayzee: Yep!
Luigi: Fine.
Hayzee: Great! Now I want you to wear this!
He holds up a gigantic sumo wrestler diaper thing. A GREEN one.
Luigi: Uh… Not only will that not fit, but it also looks nothing like grass.
Hayzee: What are you saying?!
Luigi: I am not wearing that.
Hayzee: Then you’re not going to get the Compass Piece!
Jerry: Actually, we could just steal it…
Luigi: Sounds good!
Torque: Let’s steal it REALLY fast!
Hayzee: Well, ok. I like that plan! I’ll take you too it!
He leads them for about five minutes until they come to a completely unguarded shiny Compass Piece lying on the ground.
Luigi: I’m sure it’s protected-
Blooey: YAY!
He grabs it. Nothing happens.
Torque: YAY! Let’s throw it FAST!
Luigi: Or I can take it.
Luigi grabs it and attaches it to the Compass. Princess Éclair’s voice calls out again.
Éclair: Now you must go to Rapturous Ruins, in Grimble Forest, to the north.
Luigi: Fine. Let’s go.
Hayzee: Hey, could I-
Luigi: *sigh* Join our group? Yes.
Hayzee: YAY! Marry me, Torque!
Torque: No.
Hayzee: YAY!
Luigi: This is going to be a LONG adventure.
Back to Bowser…
As Bowser and Bobbery enter the Grotto they see it is a dank and unpleasant place…
Bobbery: Hmm… It appears to be poorly lighted…
Bowser: Yeah, and it’s dark!
Bobbery: I said that.
Bowser: Sure you did…
Bobbery: Already I hate you.
Bowser: Good for you!
They take a few steps forward… and fall into an abyss.
Both: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
They land on a spring, completely unharmed.
Bowser: Uh… I knew that.
Bobbery: So did I!
They enter the next area, a large place with wrecked ships and lots of water. A ghostly voice calls to them.
Voice: You are not allowed in here! Ooooooo!
Bowser: Why?
Voice: Uh… Give me a minute… I need to check in the manual! I’ll be back in a bit!
Bobbery: Okay…
They travel a bit until they are stopped by some Bulky Bob-ombs (BB) and Lava Bubbles (LB).
LB: WE SHALL BURN YOU!
BB: And we shall go BOOM!
Bowser: Uh… I’m over there?
He points at the BBs. They run around in confusion while the LB’s throw themselves upon them, eventually causing them to explode.
Bowser: I didn’t expect THAT to work.
They keep going until they come to a place with small holes in the ground. Bowser charges ahead.
Bobbery: Uh… I don’t think this is-
A series of spikes shoot up from the hole.
Bowser: OW!
Bobbery: I told you!
Bowser: Shut up! Maybe if I run really fast…
He runs and gets about halfway through until the spikes shoot up. He lands on top of them on his shell and they come down again.
Bowser: I know! Shell SHOT!
He goes into his shell and shoots across the floor, reaching the other side.
Bowser: HA!
Bobbery: Yes, well, I’ll just do this.
He goes to the side of the spikes and walks along the edge of the platform, managing to avoid pain.
Bowser: Jerk.
Bobbery: Fine.
They continue through the Grotto, avoiding many traps and foes until they come to a ruined ship with a large opening. Bowser goes in.
Bowser: Not again!
It is yet ANOTHER of those accursed black chests.
Chest: Hey, if you let me out… I’ll reward you! Heh heh!
Bowser: Forget this.
He grabs it and throws it into the water. The chest slowly sinks down to the bottom. Which isn’t very deep considering the water is about a foot deep.
Chest: Hey, what’d you do?! Oh no! This isn’t watertight!
Bowser: Bye.
Bowser and Bobbery continue on their journey. After much traveling they come to a large room with many shipwrecked Toads standing on a platform. Bowser wades over to them.
Bowser: What are you doing here?
Toad: Our ship crashed here through that hole several days ago!
He points at a large hole leading to the outside and shore.
Bowser: Okay… but why are you still here?
Toad 2: We can’t swim!
Bobbery: But you can walk through this water!
Toad 3: Don’t be ridiculous! That’s impossible!
Bowser: We’re doing it!
Toad 4: Hmm… So you are. You must be FREAKS!
All the Toads start yelling out at Bowser and Bobbery, calling them freaks.
Bowser: Am not!
Toad 5: Oh yeah?! Prove it!
Bowser: Fine!
Bowser grabs one of the Toads and throws him in the water. He screams at first and then realizes he can stand up.
Toad 6: Hey guys! Guess what! We can wade through the water!
Toads: YAY! Let’s go!
They all jump off and leave. The last one stops and looks at Bowser.
Toad 7: Why didn’t you tell us that we could get out like that?
Bowser: I DID!
Toad 7: Yeah right! You were even less helpful then the guy with the shiny star, to the right!
He points at an entrance, then leaves.
Bowser: Shiny star! He must mean… Crystal Star! Let’s go!
Bobbery: Of course.
They go through the entrance, and discover a large, black ship. They go on it. After traveling through a few rooms with lots of treasure they enter the back of the ship, where a floating skull floats, surrounded by a mountain of treasure… and a Crystal Star!
Cortez: I am Cortez! Master of this ship! Why are you here?!
Bowser: We want your-
Cortez: My treasure?! Ha! Don’t be foolish, amigos! I shall battle you!
Cortez turns into a tall skeletal creature with four hands, each one holding a pointy weapon.
Bobbery: Uh oh…
Cortez: Ha ha! Take THIS, amigos!
He stabs at Bowser who gets hit with glancing blows.
Bobbery: Why do you call us your “friends” if you keep attacking us?!
Cortez: What? What are you talking about?
Bobbery: Amigo means “friend” in Spanish!
Cortez: It does? Oh dear… I must be very confused… eh… DIE!
He tries to stab them again. Bowser flames him.
Cortez: ACK! Time for form 2!
His arms merge with his body, making him long and snake-like. He starts to glow.
Bowser: This can’t be good!
Cortez: Bone Shot!
He shoots out a glowing bone. However it misses completely and bounces off an outcropping, smacking Cortez again.
Cortez: Hmmm… You guys are good… But can you defeat… Form 3?!
Bowser: I guess…
His body disappears. He becomes a floating head with four floating weapons around him. He stabs Bowser and Bobbery with them.
Cortez: Ha ha ha!
Bowser: HA! Now for my master plan!
Cortez: What?! Master plan?!
Bowser grabs Bobbery and throws him at Cortez. Cortez stabs him with all four weapons, and Bobbery hits Cortez’s head and explodes.
Bobbery: OW!
Cortez: Ouch! Well… I COULD keep fighting but then this battle would never end as I can’t die. So uh… let’s call it a draw!
Bowser: But I won, right?
Cortez: NO! A draw means we got a tie!
Bowser: Meaning I won?
Cortez: NO! We both won!
Bowser: But I won more, right?
Cortez: NO! We both LOST! Now do you understand?!
Bowser: Yes.
Cortez: Finally.
Bowser: You LOST more.
Cortez: NOOOOOO- oh fine. You won.
Bowser: YAY!
Cortez: You may take any of my treasure.
Bowser: I want the STAR!
Cortez: You want that? It’s worthless… but okay.
Bowser takes the Star.
Bobbery: What do you mean it’s worthless? It opens the Thousand Second Door, which leads to infinite treasure and riches!
Cortez: Eh… I’m dead. I don’t care.
Bowser: How’d you know about the Door?
Bobbery: Uh… I LIVE in Rogueport… I think I might have heard about it!
Bowser: Right…
They leave and head back to the camp. Once there they see everyone panicking.
Flavio: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Bowser: What are you guys doing?
Flavio: Four-Eyes has flipped! He’s on a ship shooting cannonballs at us!
Bowser pauses for a minute. He hears the sound of a cannon being fired but there is only a loud splash, not a BAM, as if the cannonballs are hitting the water.
Bowser: Why aren’t any getting over here?
Flavio: Oh… well he has bad aim and the balls keep falling in the water.
Bowser: So why are you freaking out?
Flavio: Because I can. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Bowser and Bobbery decide to ignore the psychos and head to shore, where they see Four-Eyes on a ship run by X-Nauts and with the X-Naut logo, out not to far on the sea.
Bowser: Four-Eyes… Why?!
Four-Eyes: Why?! Because I am NOT Four-eyes!
Bobbery: Than who are you?
Four-Eyes: I am… uh… I am… Dang! I can’t remember!
Bowser: Well maybe if you STOPPED SHOOTING CANNONBALLS AT US YOU-
Four-Eyes: Ah yes! I am Lord Crump!
He spins around, tearing off his pirate garb and revealing Lord Crump’s classic attire.
Bowser: No!
Crump: Yes!
Bobbery: Really?
Crump: Perhaps!
Bowser: What do you want?!
Crump: I want… uh… well gosh! I can’t remember!
Bowser: Maybe you want to GO AWAY?!
Crump: That might be it… no… wait! I want your Crystal Star!
Bowser: Forget it.
Crump: Really? Cause I REALLY wanted it.
Bowser: No.
Crump: Than prepare to face my wrath! FIRE!
An X-Naut runs up to him.
X-Naut: Yes, leader dude!
The X-Nauts line up the cannons and fire… in the wrong direction.
Crump: What?! Still alive?!
Bobbery: You completely missed.
Crump: You guys are GOOD! Prepare to fire again!
Cortez: Not so fast!
Cortez’s black ship, with his floating head at the front and Embers covering it, comes gliding out of the Grotto!
Crump: AHHH! Shoot it!
X-Naut 2: We’re out of cannonballs!
Crump: Then fire yourselves!
X-Naut 3: Okay, duder!
The X-nauts load themselves in the cannon and fire. For some reason they actually go in the right direction. It doesn’t matter though as the Embers catch most of them in midair and send them flaming down to the ocean. The few that do hit don’t do any good. They get knocked out and fall into the sea. Soon all the X-Nauts are gone.
Crump: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I shall escape!
He turns his ship around and starts running away. Until it hits a rock and starts to sink. So he gets out a life boat and starts rowing away on that, until it hits a rock and starts to sink. So he gets out a boogie board and paddles away on that, until it hits a rock and starts to sink. He then swims out of their sight.
Bowser: Wow! Thanks, Cortez!
Cortez: No problem! It’s the least I could do for you beating me!
Bobbery: That doesn’t make any sense-
Bowser: Shut up! Cortez, could you give us a ride back to Rogueport?
Cortez: Sure! Hop on!
And so they leave for Rogueport. Flavio and the abandoned Sailors run out.
Flavio: HEY! RESCUE US!
Sailor: You idiot! We missed them!
Flavio: Well I’m sure we can make a living here!
Sailor: Get him, boys!
Flavio: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Meanwhile, with Peach…
TEC again called for Peach. He is now in just plain weird mode.
TEC: I wish for you to get me a very important data disk from Grodus’s stuff!
Peach: All right, I got nothing else to do so-
TEC: And you must make an invisibility potion so they can’t see you!
Peach: What?!
TEC: And in order for it to work you must take your clothes off!
Peach: Pervert!
TEC: You’ll be invisible.
Peach: Oh. Well how about I just pretend I’m not there… it might work!
TEC: Well… okay. Give it a try!
She leaves. She heads towards Grodus’s office. An X-Naut stops her.
X-Naut: Dude? Aren’t you supposed to be captured?
Peach: Uh… I’m not here?
X-Naut: Oh! Sorry.
Peach: Can’t believe that actually worked.
She gets to Grodus’s office and finds a box of data disks. She picks one at random and goes back to TEC.
TEC: Thanks! That’s just the one I wanted! Now go back to your room.
Peach: What? No thanks?
TEC: I DID thank you.
Peach: Sure… See you later!
She leaves. TEC uploads the data.
TEC: Oh good! It’s PONG! I love PONG!
What will happen next time?! There are only THREE chapters left! By the way, how does Cortez steer with no hands? And what mysterious force compels people to join Bowser? Hmm… Only time will not tell.