Chapter Six: Let’s ride the FREAKISHLY Expensive Train so we can get attacked by CLOUD THINGS! YAY!
Bowser and Bobbery managed to make it back to Rogueport. They head down to the Door, and do the Map thing. The next Star is revealed to be at a place that looks unremarkable, so they head to Frankly’s.
Frankly: MAPS!
Bowser: Yes… I own a map.
Frankly: Okay. As long as that is cleared up.
Bowser: How do I get to this place?
Frankly: Ah! Poshley Heights! You must ride the Excess Express, in the west of Rogueport, by the Blimp. The only tickets you can get are from Don Pianta.
Bobbery: Wouldn’t that put a limit on passengers?
Frankly: You’d think that… but no.
Bowser: Come on, let’s go!
They go to where Don Pianta lives. He is very happy to see him.
Don: Yes! I need a favor!
Bowser: You do?
Don: Yes! My daughter and her friend are missing! I want yous to find dem!
Bobbery: Is that them there?
He gestures towards two Piantas lying knocked out on the floor.
Don: Why so it is! Do yous want anyting?
Bowser: Tickets to Excess Express?
Don: Done!
He gives them the tickets.
Bobbery: Well that was startlingly simple.
Bowser: Yeah, and it was easy.
Bobbery: I said that- oh forget it.
They head out of the Don’s lair. Once out there they are stopped by Beldam!
Beldam: Ha ha ha! We’re going to get that Crystal Star first!
Bowser: So! This is revenge for taking Vivian with me!
Beldam: What? No! We wanted her with you! We hate her.
Bowser: You’re just saying that. Deep down, you really miss her.
Beldam: No.
Bowser: Yes.
Beldam: SHUT UP! We’re GOING to get that STAR!
She disappears.
Bowser: Poor, delusional shadow creature.
Bobbery: Right… Let’s just go.
They get to the Train and get on it. A Toad shows them their cabin, Cabin 5. The train takes off… for its three day journey.
Bowser: WHAT?! I’m going to be stuck on this stupid train for THREE DAYS?! KILL!
Meanwhile, with Mario…
Mario managed to avoid the X-Nauts, and he somehow managed to make it to Rogueport. He wandered around not sure what to do until he saw a large hole by the west side. Being Mario he jumped in.
Mario: Woohoo!
He turns up in a strange cave. It has various training equipment around it such as treadmills and barbells. Mario is entertaining himself by destroying them until Rawk Hawk falls from the hole.
Hawk: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! What are you DOING?!
Mario: Whee!
Hawk: Prepare to be RAWWWWWWWWKED!!!
He dives at Mario who skillfully jumps out of the way, causing him to crash into a wall and get knocked out. Mario then jumps out of the hole. What to do next?
Back to Bowser…
After Bowser got over his grumpiness about the long train ride he decided to actually go into his cabin. Inside is a letter.
Bobbery: Check it out! A letter!
Bowser: Maybe it’s for me!
He opens it. The letter says “You better do what I want… or I’ll get you sticky!”
Bobbery: It’s a threat!
Bowser: Yeah… a pretty pathetic one, though.
Bobbery: Yes… that is sad. Let’s take it to the conductor; he might know who it is!
Bowser: Or I could flame everyone on the train!
Bobbery just stares at him.
Bowser: Or not. Let’s go to the conductor!
They go to the conductor (who for some reason was standing just to the outside of their cabin) and show him the note.
Conductor: Hmm… this IS a dilemma.
Bowser: So? Can I flame everyone?
Conductor: Ha ha! Such a joker! No, don’t worry; I’ll get to the bottom of this!
Bobbery: Shouldn’t you, like, be conducting?
Conductor: Good point! I shall meet you at the shop!
He leaves.
Bobbery: Is he insane?
Bowser: Most likely.
Bobbery: Do you want to… like… follow him?
Bowser: All right.
They go to the west of the train, until they get to the Dining Car. A considerable crowd has built up around the cooking area. An important looking penguin with a magnifying glass begins to speak.
Pennington: I know EXACTLY who did this! Zip Toad! The Toad Popstar!
Zip: No.
Pennington: Dang! I’ll have to try again!
Chef Shimi: I want my hot!
Bowser: What?
Shimi: Pot!
Bowser: Why?
Shimi: Someone stole it!
Bobbery: Really?
Shmi: I can’t speaken English right!
Bowser: Okay…
Shimi: I want to get HIT!
Bowser: Okay.
He smacks him.
Shimi: Ow! What for?
Bowser: You asked!
Shimi: FIND MY POT!
Bobbery: Okay!
Bowser and Bobbery walk away. They see some soup stains on the floor.
Bowser: Soup stains!
Bobbery: How’d you know?
Bowser: Uh… magic?
Bobbery: Sure…
They follow the stains to Cabin 3. Inside an immensely fat Toad with a fork and a spoon waits.
Fatty: Hey! Get out of here!
Bowser: Where is the POT?!
Fatty: Uh… pot? You want the pot? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE P-
Bobbery: Shut up.
Bowser: It must be around here somewhere…
They start looking around.
Fatty: I don’t have it! And don’t check in the nightstand!
Bowser: All right… Just to spite you… I WON’T! HA!
Bobbery: Idiot.
Bobbery checks the nightstand. He finds the pot. It is completely empty.
Fatty: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Bowser: What?
Fatty: It’s EMPTY!
Bobbery: THAT’S BECAUSE YOU ATE THE SOUP!
Fatty: Oh.
Bowser: Thief. I should FLAME you…
Bowser starts walking towards Fatty.
Bobbery: No! Don’t do it!
Bowser: Why, would it be “wrong”? Ha!
Bobbery: No, he would just stink really badly if you set him on fire. Blubber doesn’t burn nicely.
Fatty: Hey! I’m standing here!
Bowser: Yeah, and just be grateful you’re not RUNNING instead!
Fatty: Huh?
Bowser: Running around screaming with your head on fire! HA HA!
Bobbery: That stunk.
Fatty: Don’t hurt me!
Bowser: Come on, let’s take the pot back.
They head back to Shimi. Fatty huddles in a corner, terrified. Shimi is very excited to see the pot.
Shmi: Yay!
Bowser: Great. Now what do I do?
Shmi: You should talk to that penguin guy! He lives in Habin, I mean CABIN 6!
Bobbery: Eh… We have nothing else to do.
So they walk to Cabin 6. Inside the important penguin is excited to see them.
Pennington: Ah, so YOU found the pot?
Bowser: Uh… yes. How’d you know?
Pennington: I am a detective!
Bowser: Ah.
Bobbery: What?! That doesn’t explain ANYTHING!
Bowser: Ignore him.
Pennington: Will do! Now let me guess your name… hmm… Luigi?
Bowser: Uh… no. It’s B-
Pennington: Britney?
Bowser: NO! It’s Bowser!
Pennington: Bowser?
Bowser: Why… yes! How’d you guess?!
Pennington: Detective.
Bowser: Of course.
Bobbery: Right…
Pennington: Because of your great skills I have decided to let you be my assistant!
Bowser: Assistant? You mean BOSS!
Pennington: Sure. (Not really but maybe in your deluded mind!)
Bowser: YAY! Wait… I heard that! Who’s deluded?!
Pennington: Why, I am!
Bowser: Oh.
Bobbery: You’re both insane-
Pennington: Now go to Cabin 8 and speak with the Bob-omb family there, they seem suspicious!
Bowser: Sounds reasonable!
Bobbery: Not really… but whatever.
Bowser: You know, I’m starting to dislike your attitude…
Bobbery: Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?
Bowser: Switch you out!
Bobbery: NOOOOOOOO!!!
He disappears. Goombella appears.
Goombella: YAY! I’m free! Thank you!
Bowser: Shut up. Now I ne-
Goombella: Oh, don’t worry about that. I can hear everything that’s going on while I’m in your… pocket.
Bowser: But I don’t have pock-
Goombella: Let’s go!
They go. They soon reach Cabin 8 and go inside. They see a familiar sight…
Goldbob: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! YOU!
Bowser: What?
Sylvia: Kill HIM!
Bub: SAVE ME, DADDY!
Goombella: Uh oh… These are the Bob-ombs you threw off Glitzville…
Bowser: They are?
Goldbob: YES! GO AWAY!
Bowser: Or what?!
Goldbob: I’ll huddle in a corner and cry like a baby!
Sylvia: It’s true! He will!
Bowser: Okay… Let’s leave…
They leave. The Bob-ombs stay in their cabin for the rest of the ride. Bowser and Goombella decide to go back to Pennington.
Bowser: Uh… They didn’t seem suspicious-
Pennington: I agree! However I heard that the conductor has come up one blanket short!
Bowser: I don’t care.
Pennington: But he ALWAYS carries the right amount for the passengers, so this means there is a STOWAWAY on board!
Goombella: Or he counted wrong.
Pennington: Don’t be ridiculous! Now I believe that the stowaway might be in Cabin 4! Go there and root him out!
Bowser: Okay!
Goombella: Why do you believe that he’s in 4?
Pennington: Because it’s half of eight!
Goombella: Okay…
They go to Cabin 4. No one is inside.
Bowser: No one’s here.
Goombella: I guess he was wrong-
Bowser: Maybe someone’s under the bed!
He lifts the bed up and smashes it. No one is there.
Bowser: Maybe under the dresser!
He lifts it up and smashes it as well.
Bowser: Hmm… maybe under the-
A ghostly Toad appears.
Ghost: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Bowser: Ah. A ghost.
Goombella: That’s it? Aren’t you terrified?
Bowser: Not really. He’s just a Toad.
Ghost: I’m still here! What are you DOING?!
Bowser: Trying to find the stowaway who took the blanket.
Ghost: Oh. That would be me.
Goombella: Why do you need a blanket? You’re dead.
Ghost: Well… it gets kind of cold…
Bowser: Well at least we know it was you.
Bowser and Goombella prepare to leave.
Ghost: Wait! Since you destroyed my room you must find my diary!
Bowser: Why don’t you go get it?
Ghost: Well I can’t leave the room!
Goombella: Then how did you get the blanket?
Ghost: Uh… um…
Bowser: Bye!
Ghost: NOOO!
They leave. The ghost cries in a corner. They get back to Pennington.
Pennington: Oh good, you’re back! Did you find the stowaway?
Bowser: Yeah, it was just a ghost.
Pennington: Oh, HIM.
Goombella: You know about him?
Pennington: No, I just thought saying it like that would make me look smarter.
Bowser: It doesn’t.
Pennington: Yes, yes, but we have more important things to do, Toodles in Cabin 2 is missing a gold ring and the waitress in the Dining Car is missing her Shell Earrings. However, before you find them you should go to bed as it is late. Plus you’ll be unable to find them until tomorrow for some as yet unexplained reason.
Bowser: Fine.
They head back to their room and go to bed.
Meanwhile, with Luigi…
Luigi’s ship touched down by Grimble Forest. Luigi, Torque, Hayzee, Blooey, and Jerry all started walking through it trying to find Rapturous Ruins. They walk for a bit until Blooey gets bored and tries to play with Torque, who thinks everyone is moving too slow.
Blooey: YAY! You can’t catch me!
Torque: Oh yes I can!
Blooey starts floating away. Torque slowly stumbles after him until Blooey is about twenty feet away.
Blooey: Man you stink!
Torque: Oh yeah?! Stink this!
Torque disappears.
Luigi: Wha?!
He reappears on top of Blooey.
Blooey: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Torque brings Blooey crashing to the ground.
Jerry: Okay… How did you DO THAT?!
Torque: What? I just went FAST!
Hayzee: Wow! This would be great for my play-
Luigi: Whatever. Torque, that was amazing… but don’t do it again as I find it rather creepy.
Torque: Well… okay.
Blooey: That was awesome! Do it again!
Torque: Okay!
He disappears and reappears fifty feet away.
Luigi: Stop it!
Torque: Fine!
They continue traveling through the sparse forest. Soon the five reach a large, white-domed building. Luigi opens the small door… and they are amazed!
Jerry: Amazing!
The building is entirely white inside. They have no clue how large it is, or even where the walls are. The only thing they can see that isn’t white is a small, pale, sleeping boy. Seeing no better option they walk towards him. Suddenly out of nowhere a creature that sort of looks like a flaming cream puff runs out in front of them.
Screamy: SCREAM!!!
Luigi: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Jerry: BOOM!
Torque: SPEED!
Blooey: WHEEE!
Hayzee: I’M NOT RICH!
Everyone looks at Hayzee.
Hayzee: What? It’s true!
Luigi: Right… Who are you?!
Screamy: I am SCREAMY!!!
Luigi: Ow… Can you stop screaming?!
Screamy: SURE!!!
Jerry: Like now?
Screamy: Oh… Well I guess…
Luigi: What kind of creature are you?
Screamy: Me? Well I’m SCREAMY the ???.
Luigi: You’re a question mark?
Screamy: No, I’m three!
Luigi: I’m confused.
Jerry: Yeah? Well you look like some kind of deformed pastry to me.
Screamy: OKAY!
Luigi: Stop that! All right… who is that kid?
Luigi points at the STILL sleeping kid who isn’t too far away.
Screamy: Oh, that? That’s Cranberry. He’s the last remaining member of the Luffs. I think. He’s been sleeping like that for centuries… or eons… or weeks!
Luigi: Right…
Screamy: Yep… and he shall only awaken if the true hero of all time comes to him.
Luigi: Okay…
Screamy: Plus he has a piece of something called the Marvelous Compass.
Luigi: What?! Really?!
Screamy: Yeah.
Luigi runs over to the kid and starts patting him, trying to find the piece. The kid’s eyes open.
Cranberry: What are you doing?
Luigi: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Screamy: He has AWOKEN!!!
Cranberry: Are you the legendary hero?
Luigi: Sure.
Cranberry: Then you must be Mario! I’m supposed to give him this Compass Piece!
Luigi: What?! How do you know about- wait… uh… sure!
Cranberry: Great! Except… Mario is supposed to be wearing red… not green…
Luigi: Uh… Laundry trouble.
Cranberry: Oh, okay!
He produces a Compass Piece out of nowhere and starts to hand it to Luigi. He stops.
Cranberry: You know… I think Mario’s brother Luigi, wears green.
Luigi: Yeah, he does.
Cranberry: Hmmph… Are you SURE you’re Mario and not Luigi?
Luigi: Yeah…
Cranberry: Good! Because Luigi is such a LOSER! I mean, can you get any more pathetic than that wimp? Honestly he is- ACK!
Luigi smacks him on the head, knocking him out. He takes the Compass Piece.
Screamy: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! You hit Cranberry!
Luigi: So?
Screamy: So can I join your group?
Luigi: *sigh* I guess.
Screamy: YAY! SCREAM!!!
Luigi: Ugh.
He attaches the Piece to the rest of the Compass! It is now only missing one piece! Princess Éclair’s voice emanates from it.
Éclair: Now you must travel to the North, where Hatesong Tower is… and RESCUE ME!!!
Luigi: And then I’m done, right?
Éclair: YES!!!
Luigi: All right… Let’s go!
Screamy: YAY!
Blooey: I’ll get there first!
Torque: No you won’t!
Jerry: Why is almost everyone I’m with completely insane?
Hayzee: If I make a play on this… I’ll be rich!
They leave… for the final part of their quest!
Back to Bowser…
Bowser wakes up on Day 2 of the train ride. He and Goombella head over to Pennington, who is talking to a Ratooey Businessman named Gloob. I think. Oh I don’t know his name, I’m just guessing!
Gloob: So that’s what happened!
Pennington: Interesting… Ah! Bowser, you’re here! Great!
Bowser: What’s going on?
Pennington: Well this man here has had his suitcase stolen!
Gloob: Yeah! A secret syrup was in there! One that could WAKE THE DEAD!
Goombella: Sure…
Pennington: I want you to go to Cabin 1! For that is where something is!
Goombella: How do you know, and why don’t you do it?
Pennington: Because I am a detective!
Goombella: So… which question were you answering?
Pennington: Both!
Goombella: Great.
Bowser: Oh shut up and let’s go!
They go to Cabin 1. They find a piece of paper with an inkblot on it. They grab it and take it back to Pennington and Gloob.
Gloob: Oh my! This is one of my contracts!
Goombella: It’s a blob of ink.
Gloob: ACK! She knows what it says!
Pennington: That’s not important. All right, Bowser, I want you to go back to your room.
Bowser: Why?
Pennington: JUST DO IT!!!
Bowser: NO ONE ORDERS ME AROUND!
Pennington: I DO!!!
Bowser: Okay.
Bowser and Goombella go back to their room. They find another piece of paper lying on the floor with an inkblot on it.
Bowser: I bet the thief is in here!
Goombella closes the door. Bowser flames his bed. Zip Toad comes out with his head on fire. He runs straight into the door and then falls to the floor. Bowser grabs him.
Bowser: HA HA HA! I got you!
Zip: Ah… man.
Gloob and Pennington burst in.
Pennington: We heard the commotion and-
He spots Zip Toad.
Pennington: YOU! It was YOU all along!
Zip: Yes.
Gloob: Hand over our stuffm thief!
Zip: Fine. But I would have gotten away with it… if it wasn’t for you meddling bipedal mutated spiked turtle and strange muffin-like creature!
Bowser: Right…
Zip pulls the Suitcase, Shell Earrings, and the Gold Ring out of nowhere. Gloob grabs his suitcase.
Gloob: YAY!
He runs out.
Pennington: All right, now Bowser, I want you to take this stuff back to its owners-
Bowser and Goombella walk out the door.
Pennington: Fine, I’ll do it!
Pennington returns the items and the conductor cuffs Zip Toad. The train makes its mandatory rest stop at Riverside Station. Pennington, Bowser, Goombella, and for some reason Zip Toad and the conductor get off the train. Upon getting outside Zip Toad vanished in a puff of purple smoke!
Conductor: ACK!
Zip reappears as… Doopliss! And because he has no discernible hands he just slips right out of the cuffs!
Doopliss: Ha! Got you, Slicks! And now you’re stuck here while me and the Shadow Sirens get the Crystal Star!
Bowser: NOOOO!
He steps toward, Doopliss who charges into a small switch, raising the drawbridge andpreventing the train from leaving!
Doopliss: HA HA HA!
He runs away before anyone can catch him.
Conductor: Crud! We can’t leave unless we put that bridge down!
Goombella: Then do it.
Conductor: We can’t! The only way to put it down is inside the basement of that large building over there!
He points at a large building by the train. The door is locked.
Goombella: You designed it so you can put the bridge up from out here, but to close it you have to go inside?
Conductor: Yes!
Goombella: THAT IS SO DUMB!
Pennington: Bowser, only you can fix that bridge!
Bowser: Fine.
Bowser and Goombella go over to the building. Bowser breaks the door down. Inside the musty building they go to an elevator with the doors closed. It’s one of those caged ones you can see inside of.
Goombella: I think we need a key-
Bowser walks through the door.
Goombella: Uh… good key.
She goes in as well. The elevator takes them down to the basement. At the bottom they see a ton of black, shapeless things. They move around, but don’t actually do anything.
Goombella: What are these things?
Bowser: They’re DEAD!
Goombella: Uh… no they’re not.
Bowser: Oh yeah?
Bowser flames the creatures. They don’t react.
Bowser: Uh…
Goombella: Oh… for crying out loud!
She walks through the unresisting creatures and hits a blue switch. The bridge goes back up.
Bowser: I was GOING to do that!
Goombella: Sure…
They go back to the train, which soon leaves. After the not-so difficult day Bowser decides to go to bed. However since he burned his bed, he takes Gloob’s. Gloob doesn’t notice as he is too excited with his suitcase. Bowser wakes up on the third day. He and Goombella walk out of their room. No one seems to be around. He walks into the front of the train. Pennington and the Driver are up there.
Pennington: Ah! Bowser! Good to see you! Everyone has apparently disappeared!
Driver: Yes, they all seem to be- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
A swarm of the black creatures cover the front of the train, quickly stopping it.
Driver: They must have taken the other people! We must rescue them!
Bowser: I see… How far are we from Poshley Heights? Walking distance?
Driver: Uh… about ten minutes.
Pennington: Then let’s go!
Goombella: But we can’t go! We have to rescue-
The other three leave.
Goombella: Oh fine!
She leaves as well. As the four walk towards Poshley Heights, all the creatures on top of the train merge to form a giant beast known as SMORG! However it’s stuck to the train.
Smorg: RAAAAAAUUUUUUUUURRRRRRR!
It has all the other passengers, who moan and yell… but nothing happens. Eventually Smorg gets bored and goes away. The passengers get back up and go in the train, unaware there is no drive and they are ten minutes from their destination. They may wait there still… but Bowser and the others reach Poshley Heights!
Bowser: Wow.
Pennington: Yes, it is magnificent-
Bowser: This place smells bad.
Pennington: Well! I never!
Driver: I’m going to the hotel…
No one pays him any attention. He goes away.
Bowser: Where’s the Crystal Star?
Pennington: In Poshley Sanctum.
Bowser: Take me there.
They go to Poshley Sanctum. The door is locked but Bowser just breaks it down.
Pennington: Uh… I’m the Sanctum Manager… I could have opened it.
Bowser: Yeah yeah…
They go inside. They see Beldam, Marilyn, and Doopliss! And Beldam’s got the Star!
Beldam: Ha! You were too late! Let’s go!
Marilyn: YUH HUH!
They disappear into the shadows. Doopliss just stands there.
Doopliss: Aw man! Ever since I joined them they keep doing that! I CAN’T TELEPORT!
He jumps through a window.
Bowser: SHOOT! They got the Star!
Pennington: Au contraire!
Bowser: What? Now you’re insane?! Stop speaking gibberish!
Pennington: It’s French!
Bowser: Great, you’ve named your nonsense language!
Pennington: Ugh… They got a fake Star. The real one is behind that large painting in the back. To get behind it you must find the switch-
Bowser walks through the painting, utterly destroying it.
Pennington: Or you can do that.
Goombella: Oh dear!
The next room is the same as the first except for all the pink Dark Boos.
Dark Boo: BOOOO!
Bowser: Go away.
Goombella: Why aren’t you frightened?
Bowser: Because it’s pink. Pink is NOT scary!
Dark Boo: He’s right…
Bowser walks up to the pedestal and grabs the Star! Bowser and Goombella are instantly covered by light!
Pennington: What the?
When it fades, they are gone…
Meanwhile, with Peach…
Peach walks into TEC’s room again. However, right when she walks in Grodus and some X-Nauts come in as well!
Grodus: Hello… Princess!
Peach: Hi.
Grodus: TEC has given you far too much information and he must be deleted!
TEC: (in resigned, depressive mode) I guess I have.
Peach: Um… Actually he has told me nothing of any value.
Grodus: Really? Oh… well… I’ll just delete him anyways!
The two X-Nauts start smashing the computer.
Peach: Wow… that was really dumb.
Grodus: And now I shall take you away!
Peach: Okay.
Grodus: Don’t try to resist- wait, what?
Peach: Take me away. I don’t care.
Grodus: Well… wow. Okay!
He takes her someplace…
What will happen next time?! Why are the people on the train so dumb?! What happened to Bowser and Goombella?! Why do I keep asking these meaningless questions?!