Chapter Seven: That’s One Small Step for Evil Super-Villains, One Giant Cannon-Blast for Bowser!
Bowser and Goombella appear in front of the Thousand Second Door.
Bowser: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! What happened?!
Goombella: I guess the Stars have the ability to teleport us occasionally!
Bowser: Oh… that’s different.
Bowser stands on the pedestal. The light show passes and the final Crystal Star is revealed to be…
Goombella: ON THE MOON?!
Bowser: What the?!
Goombella: How do we get THERE?!
Bowser: Well I’m sure there’s a way-
Goombella: Oh SHUT UP! You’re the one who thought it was impossible to reach an ISLAND! Now we have to reach THE MOON!
Bowser: I don’t like your attitude! SWITCH!
Goombella: NOOOOOOOO!!!
She disappears. Koops appears.
Koops: YAY! I’m free!
Bowser: Yeah, shut up. To Frankly’s!
They go to Frankly’s.
Frankly: What do you want?
Koops: Why didn’t you ask us about maps?
Frankly: You want me too? All right… MAPS!
Bowser: Koops… you’re an idiot. Frankly, how do we get to the moon?
Frankly: Hmm… well, I believe that Fahr Outpost has a giant cannon that can get you there. There’s a pipe under the west side of Rogueport that can take you there.
Bowser: YAY!
He and Koops run to the west side.
Frankly: Soon the Magical Map shall be mine!
They get to the far west of the underground area of Rogueport. Bowser smashes through a large block and they go inside a large blue pipe… which even though it is too small to fit Bowser, he goes through with no difficulty.
Meanwhile, with Mario…
Mario somehow managed to reach Poshley Heights, even though the train was still not moving somewhere on the track. Mario walked through the rich place, until he came to Poshley Sanctum. Pennington was there.
Pennington: Who are you? Wait… don’t tell me… you are-
Mario: It’s-a me-a, Mario!
Pennington: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Pennington: Are you here for the Crystal Star?
Mario: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Pennington: Oh… Are you with Bowser?
Mario: Okeydokey!
Pennington: Okay… because he went back to Rogueport for something…
Mario: Thank you very much for playing my game!
Pennington: What game?
Mario bounds off.
Mario: Babies!
Pennington watches him until he disappears from sight.
Pennington: That man will accomplish great things someday!
Back to Bowser…
Bowser and Koops appear in a freezing, snowy place.
Bowser: I hate it here.
Koops: Oh come on, it’s not so bad-
An icy wind blows past.
Koops: Oh man it's cold!
Bowser: Let’s just walk!
They walk a bit until they come to a floating blue cloud, an Ice Puff, and a blue Piranha Plant, a Frost Piranha!
Koops: AAAHHH!
Ice Puff: It’s FREEZING!
Frost Piranha: Give us your body heat!
They run towards Bowser.
Bowser: ACK! Flame Breath!
He shoots a burst of fire at the creatures.
Ice Puff: Thank you!
Frost Piranha: We are complete!
They disappear.
Koops: Okay… that was weird…
Bowser: Ha! I knew I could defeat them!
They continue to Fahr Outpost! It has numerous buildings and various Bob-ombs speaking in horrible Russian accents. Koops walks up to one.
Koops: Do you know where the giant cannon is?
Bob-omb: Dah, but you must speak with Mayor!
Koops: And he is… where?
Bob-omb: Dah! He is Bob-omb by statue with mustache!
Koops: Okay…
Bowser: Well let’s get him!
They walk through the small town until they get to the statue in the center. There a Bob-omb with a mustache stands.
Mayor: Dah?
Koops: What is that, some kind of all purpose word? Can you use dah for anything?
Mayor: Dah!
Bowser: Great… We want to use the cannon!
Mayor: Dah! But first must find Goldbob and General White!
Koops: Well if memory serves Goldbob is sitting on a train in the middle of nowhere, plus he’s terrified of us…
Bowser: Where’s White?
Mayor: He not here! His house there though!
He gestures to a building.
Bowser: Let’s trash the place!
He runs over to it.
Koops: All right… I have nothing else to do anyways.
They go into the house. Bowser flames many of the things while Koops watches. Bowser then amuses himself by taking various items and trying to smack the Bob-ombs outside with them. They don’t seem to notice and when they get hit they merely shrug it off and keep standing, staring into space.
Bowser: That’s kind of creepy.
He is about to throw the bed when a white Bob-omb with a cap walks in. He completely ignores Koops and Bowser, sits on the bed, and goes to sleep.
Koops: Wow… that guy is like REALLY unobservant.
Bowser: That’s White, right?
Koops: I think so.
Bowser: Then let’s get him!
Bowser picks White up and carries him to the mayor. Koops follows.
Mayor: Dah! That White! Goldbob not here… but I no like him anyway!
They follow the mayor to a bunker-like building. Bowser puts White down. The mayor searches him for a few seconds and finds a key. He uses the key to open the bunker. White lies on the ground unmoving. The four go inside, where there are two additional Bob-ombs.
Koops: Why does the only key belong to White?
Mayor: Well we figured, since White travel all time safest place with him!
Koops: You’re an idiot.
The mayor shrugs off the insult and tries to get the cannon ready. Bowser and Koops walk outside to prepare to go in the cannon that is still underground, but someone else is already there…
Ms. Mowz: Sweetums! I found you!
Bowser: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
She runs at him and jumps into his arms!
Bowser: Get off!
Ms. Mowz: I love you!
Bowser tries to drop her, but she clings on tightly.
Bowser: Let go!
Ms. Mowz: The power of love gives me strength!
Bowser starts swinging his arm around like crazy. She tries to hold on, but she loses her grip and goes flying.
Ms. Mowz: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
She lands on a snow dune. She shakily stands up.
Ms. Mowz: Ha! I am ALIVE!
She takes a step… and falls off the dune.
Ms. Mowz: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
She falls on the ground and doesn’t move.
Bowser: Now, to take her out of action!
He runs forward, picks her up, and shoves her into the dune until she is not visible. He then goes to stand by Koops in the middle of a clearing.
Koops: That was a little harsh, don’t you think?
Bowser: Yes, I am a hero!
Koops: No you-
A hole appears in the clearing. They fall in. A huge black cannon comes out, with them in it. It takes aim… and fires them at the moon! They fly screaming through the air until they land, without a scratch on them.
Koops: Okay, that was impossible!
Bowser: Also slightly CRAZY!
Bowser and Koops stand up and started walking. They notice they bounced a bit because of the lower gravity.
Koops: Isn’t there supposed to be like no air on the moon?
Bowser: Yeah… so?
Koops: Well first of all we’re breathing fine and survived a cannon blast that knocked us out of the atmosphere so obviously logic has been thrown out the window.
Bowser: Okay…
Koops: But there’s still gravity! This is crazy! Lots of air… but low gravity!
Bowser: Oh shut up.
Koops: Fine.
They walk for a bit trying to find something. Suddenly an X shaped creature appears, similar to the Yuxes in the Great Tree but larger and black. The creatures (Z-Yux) stumble around until they run into some rocks. The rocks then get up and reveal themselves to be Moon Clefts. The Z-Yuxes and the Moon Clefts get into a ferocious fight.
Koops: Okay…
Bowser: Wow… my minions are never this bad! They only kill each other when I tell them to!
Koops: Great.
Bowser: Or… when they’re left together for extended periods of time…
They keep walking until they come to a large building. Seeing as they have nothing better to do they enter it...
Meanwhile, with Luigi…
Luigi, Blooey, Jerry, Torque, Hayzee and Screamy arrive at their destination, Hatesong Tower. It is on a massive cliff, overlooking a vicious sea. Wind whistles through the cliffs and the turrets on the castle, making a noise similar to the sound a cinnamon bun makes when thrown at a chicken. The group climbs out of their boat and walk up to the massive castle. Soon they come to the door… and they open it!
Torque: SPEED!
Luigi: Shut up! This is a very dramatic moment!
Torque: Sorry.
The inside of Hatesong Tower is pitch black. The six enter cautiously and the door slams shut behind them!
Blooey: Whee!
Luigi: Shut up!
They stand in silence for a minute as their eyes adjust… Suddenly several torches on the walls light up. The torches lead a path to the front of the cavernous room they’re in, illuminating several large tapestries on the walls. The torches seem to pause before illuminating the end, as if wondering if they should… but they decide to anyways.
Hayzee: I wish I had a costume like that!
A massive creature slightly shaped like a chestnut, with a huge mouth and fangs constantly dripping poisonous ooze on the floor, stands in front of them.
Chestnut King: I am the Chestnut King! FEAR ME!
Luigi: Okay… AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Jerry: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Screamy: SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!
Blooey: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Torque: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAST!!!
Hayzee: I LIKE PLAAAAAAAAAAYS!!!
The Chestnut King is slightly surprised that they didn’t all run away when he revealed himself but he decides he doesn’t care. He charges forward… and falls down the short set of stairs in front of him.
Chestnut King: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
He hits the bottom headfirst…and lays there unmoving.
Luigi: Did we beat him?
The Chestnut King suddenly flips up.
Luigi: ACK!
Chestnut King: Thank you for releasing me!
He is surrounded by light, and when it disappears a person who looked vaguely like Mario but with a brown mustache and white clothes appears.
Tony: I-a am no longer cursed!
Luigi: Mario?!
Tony: No-a! I-a am Tony!
Luigi: Right…
Suddenly out of nowhere a person who looks like Peach but with black hair appears.
Éclair: I am Princess Éclair! You have freed my boyfriend!
Luigi: This is vaguely familiar… and kind of creepy.
Éclair: You see, he was trapped in that form by the evil Crepe!
Luigi: Wait… you mean Crepe… like the MINISTER Crepe?!
Crepe: That is correct!
Crepe appears from behind a tapestry.
Éclair: You!
Tony: Oh-a no!
Luigi: But why?!
Crepe: WHY?! Why you ask?!
Luigi: Uh… yeah. I ask.
Crepe: I was hoping to get you to gather all the pieces of the Marvelous Compass together so that I may use its power to bring back the mighty Luff Empire!
Luigi: Strange… I feel like I missed a bunch of story somewhere.
Crepe: SILENCE! Now hand over the Compass and I won’t cause you serious discomfort!
Tony: We’ll-a never hand it-a over!
Luigi: We won’t? I honestly don’t-
Jerry: Oh come on, it’s seven against one!
Tony: Eight… I’ll-a be helping you!
Jerry: I uh… kind of counted you.
Tony: Oh.
Crepe: Can we hurry up and get in our really exciting climatic battle, or should we just talk all day?
Blooey: YAY! Let’s play!
Torque: SPEED!
Screamy: SCREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAM!!!
Hayzee: MARRY ME!!!
Crepe: Oh god NO!
He jumps out a window and plummets to his doom.
Luigi: Uh… Good job, Hayzee.
Tony: I’m the winner!
Luigi: Are you related to a… Mario… by any chance?
Tony: I-a don’t THINK so.
Éclair: YAY! Now that the day is saved… let’s have a massive celebration and get married!
Luigi: Uh… well I don’t know you that well…
Éclair: Not to YOU, to Tony!
Luigi: Oh… well do I get a reward?
Éclair: No. You must go to Rogueport or we’ll all be doomed.
Luigi: What?
Éclair: GO NOW!!!
Luigi: Okay!
Luigi and Co. leave… for their REALLY final journey.
Back to Bowser…
Bowser and Koops enter the large building. Two black Elite X-Nauts are guarding a door in front of them.
Elite: Dude! Welcome to the X-Naut Fortress!
Elite 2: You can’t pass!
Bowser: Why?
Elite: You can only pass if you’re a cool dude!
Koops: Really?
Elite 2: Yeah dude!
Bowser: Okay… uh dudes. Watch this awesomeness!
They all look at him.
Bowser: Ah hem! I am kickin’ it with my homies in the land of cribs! Down with the dawgs on the dude B-O-W-S-E-R!!!
Koops: That was pathetic.
Elite: Wow.
Elite 2: You can pass, dude!
They move aside, letting Koops and Bowser through. The rest of the area is very hi-tech. It seems like something from the future. The guys walk for a bit, occasionally running into X-nauts, who they say “dude” to. Eventually they come to a locked elevator. Bowser tries to break it down, but this elevator is made of strong stuff and he is unable to.
Koops: I think you need some kind of card thing.
Koops is looking at a slot by the elevator.
Bowser: Hmm… a card? Well I have this!
He produces some kind of card out of nowhere.
Koops: What’s that?
Bowser: It’s a certificate saying that I am officially King of the KOOPAS!
Koops: Right… I don’t think that’ll work-
Bowser sticks it in the slot. A chime sounds and the elevator opens.
Koops: I stand corrected.
They go inside and hit the button for sublevel 1, as that’s the only floor this elevator is capable of going to.
Koops: That’s sad. This is obviously some kind of super hi-tech place, and they don’t even have elevators that can go to more than two or three floors.
Bowser: Eh. My castle doesn’t even have elevators. So there! Ha!
Koops: That’s just… great.
They get to their destination and start looking in doors. Inside the far right door they see a familiar character…
Thwomp: HEEEEEEEEEEEELLOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Bowser: You!
Koops: Uh… Who’s this?
Bowser: This Thwomp is in charge of a really weird Game Show.
Thwomp: The 66th Annual Quirk Quiz!
Bowser: Yeah, that.
Thwomp: If you win you can leave! If you lose… you must battle the X-Yux!
Koops: What if we just leave now-
Gigantic metal doors slam down, preventing them from escaping.
Thwomp: You were saying?
Koops: Fine! We’ll take your dumb quiz!
Thwomp: Excellent! I shall ask you seven questions! If you answer five of them right you win! If you get three wrong though, you lose!
Bowser: But that’s nine questions!
Thwomp and Koops stare at Bowser.
Thwomp: Okay… Which one of you shall be competing? And remember, NO switching!
Koops: All right. I’ll-
Bowser: I shall do it!
Thwomp: Bowser it is! All right… If Mario had a video game franchise, not that he does and not that we’re IN a videogame… heh… heh...
Bowser: What’s a videogame?
Thwomp: Just answer the question!
Bowser: What question? You didn’t ask me one!
Thwomp: Oh… a clever one, eh?
Bowser: Yes.
Thwomp: Grr, then-
Bowser: YAY! I got question one right!
Thwomp: What?!
Bowser: The first question was “A clever one, eh?” and I answered “yes”!
Thwomp: Fine. How many ACTUAL Mario games, not spinoffs, are there?
Bowser: What’s a Mario game-
Thwomp: JUST GUESS A NUMBER!
Bowser: Okay… well… one… What comes after one? One… uh… one… dang! One-
Thwomp: WHAT?! 111?! One, one, one?!
Bowser: What?
Thwomp: There are 111! You’re right!
Koops: I don’t believe it.
Thwomp: Fine! But can you answer the next question?!
Bowser: Yes. That’s three!
Thwomp: What? SHOOT!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha!
Thwomp: Okay… What’s the one thing that everyone always ends up getting collected on the kind of adventures you’re on?!
Bowser: Uh… coins?
Thwomp: NO! Stars! Ah ha ha!
Bowser: Grr…
Thwomp: All right… What’s the square root of pie multiplied by X squared to the n power?!
Bowser: Uh… undefined?
Thwomp: Dang!
Bowser: I have NO clue what I’m doing!
Thwomp: That’s four right and one wrong… What is the name… of the Thousand Second Door?!
Koops: You can do this!
Bowser: I know! It is… uh… Fred?
Thwomp: NO! It’s the Thousand Second Door! Geez!
Bowser: Crud! How was I supposed to figure that out?
Thwomp: … What are you? An idiot?
Bowser: Yes! Wait…
Thwomp: NOOOOOOO!!! That’s five answers right!
Bowser: It is?
Koops: It is! YAY!
Thwomp: You may leave… WAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
The bars go away. Bowser and Koops leave, and Thwomp cries as he has been defeated again. Bowser and Koops travel through the Fortress suffering no problems. Eventually they come to another elevator which Bowser opens using his card. It takes them too sublevel three. They go to the right and enter a room with three card slots. Amazingly Bowser’s card works for all of them which makes absolutely no sense. Eventually they come to a large room with shifting gears, walls, and pipes. Bowser breaks through them and then uses the wreckage to climb to the top of the room. Koops and Bowser then enter the next room to find…
Crump: Buh huh huh! I got you now!
He is standing on a platform in a large room. He also seems rather pleased with himself.
Bowser: You? This is like… the fourth time we’ve met. Just give us the Crystal Star.
Crump: I will NEVER give you the… what? What are we talking about?
Koops: You were going to give us the Star?
Crump: NO! Feel the power… of my Magnus Von Grapple 2.0!
A small square appears which then expands into a massive robot, similar to the first Magnus, only red and it has pointy arms. Crump hops in.
Crump: Defeat THIS! HA HA HA!
Bowser: Flame breath!
He shoots a blast of flames at Crump. He dodges by jumping high in the air and coming down with his pointy hand things.
Koops: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Bowser: Ha! Nothing can get through my shell!
Bowser goes in his shell. It doesn’t matter however as Crump misses completely.
Crump: Dang! You’re fast!
Bowser comes out of the shell.
Koops: No… your aim is just awful.
Crump: Oh yeah?! SPINNING X THING!
The X around the robot's chest flies off and hits a wall.
Bowser: I’m sure you have some kind of masterful, diabolical plan going on here… but even I can’t see it.
Koops: You’re both morons.
Crump: ARM DETACHMENT!
His arm things fly off and float in midair.
Crump: ATTACK!
They fly at him and start beating up the Magnus.
Crump: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
He runs through several walls and disappears from sight.
Bowser: Gwa ha ha! I am the KING!
Koops: Yeah… yeah.
The final Crystal Star appears. Bowser grabs it.
Bowser: Yes! Now teleport us!
Nothing happens.
Koops: Maybe it was a one-time thing.
Bowser: NO! This will teleport us! How else can we reach Rogueport?
Koops: Point… but there’s probably a way, how else could the X-Nauts get down?
Bowser: Hmmm… I believe there is some way to get down OTHER than the Star! Come, let us search for it, my minion!
Koops: Right behind you… ya crazed lunatic.
Bowser: What?
Koops: Nothing!
Bowser and Koops travel back in the Fortress. They come to another elevator which stops on sublevel four. They go to the right and encounter TEC in helpful mode. He appears to be fine although parts of the machinery are smashed.
TEC: Welcome!
Bowser: AAAAHHHHH! Possessed machine!
TEC: No! Artificial Intelligence!
Bowser: Even worse! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
TEC: Ugh… Peach has been taken by Grodus inside the Thousand Second Door!
Bowser: Peach! YAY! Soon she shall be mine! Wait… how do you know this?
TEC: Grodus is very loud.
Koops: Wait… if Grodus can get in the Door now… what does he need the Stars for?
TEC: Good question.
Koops waits.
Koops: Uh… Aren’t you going to answer it?
TEC: Nope! I don’t know the answer!
Koops: Great. And we still need to get to Rogueport.
TEC: Ah! Good thing Grodus and his X-Nauts have no clue how I work! Because if they did they would have really destroyed me rather than causing me mild appearance loss.
Koops: Wait… aren’t they the ones who made you?
TEC: Yep!
Koops: Then how could they not know… Oh forget it.
TEC: Okay! In order to get to Rogueport you must find the teleporter on sublevel 2!
Bowser: YAY! Bye!
They leave.
TEC: Crud. Now I’m alone… it’s REALLY boring here…
Bowser and Koops reach sublevel 2 and find the teleporter which, after some random button pressing, they figure out how to work and are teleported!
Next up is the FINAL chapter! What will happen?! Will everything turn out perfectly? Of course not, that would be boring! Plus no one has any clue who the hero of this adventure is!