Prologue: Let’s Meet our Buddies… or Something.
After saving the day in Stupidstar Saga and being kicked out of an airplane, the Mario Bros. decided to relax. However, with Mario having lost his intelligence, Luigi runs into yet another problem…
Luigi: Mario, can you PLEASE unlock the door to the fridge?
Mario: It’s-a me-a, Mario!
Luigi: Yes you are. At least unglue the pantry! I haven’t eaten for three days!
Mario: Oh nooooooooooooo!
Luigi: I hate you.
Outside Parakarry, the flying postman, delivers a letter to Mario.
Parakarry: Mail call!
Mario runs outside and grabs the letter. He carries it inside and opens it. Princess Peach’s voice comes out of it.
Princess Peach: Dear Mario, This is Peach. I am in Rogueport. Unfortunately they do NOT sell lipstick. Toadsworth and I were planning to go but then I found this cool map in a box. I’m sending YOU the box, but Bowser is getting the map. I felt bad locking him in a box and wrapping him up and- Toadsworth, do you really think I had to send him the map?
Toadsworth: What are you talking about?
Princess Peach: You said to send Bowser the map.
Toadsworth: No, I said “Look at that!”
Princess Peach: Oh. Well they’re easy to get mixed up.
Toadsworth: No they’re not.
Princess Peach: Fetch me cleaning equipment!
Princess Peach: Now!
Toadsworth: As you say!
Princess Peach: Now Mario, come to Rogueport, but take your time. There is much for me to do here- Hey! What are you doing? Who are you? What are you doing with that large burlap sack? Why are you walking menacingly closer? Why are you lifting that long metal pole as if you were going to hit-
Her voice is cut off abruptly.
Luigi: That was a strange letter. I think either she’s playing a joke on you or she got kidnapped again.
And he runs out of the door.
Luigi: Right… Now how to open the fridge?
Luigi checks all over the house to find the keys to the fridge. Meanwhile, Mario runs to the dock, swinging a keychain over his head until he slips and it falls into the ocean.
Mario heads to a small boat driven by a Toad.
Captain: Where do you want to go?
Captain: … Okay. I don’t know where that is, so I’ll just drive around the ocean randomly.
And so they leave.
Meanwhile at Bowser’s Castle…
Bowser, being the big scary man he is, stomps into his castle. He is about to go to his throne but is stopped by some of his minions giggling. He decides that he wants to know what they are laughing about so he sneakily creeps up to them.
Hammer Bro: Did you hear?
Koopatrol: About what?
Hammer Bro: Hee hee, Lord Bowser was possessed by a Spirit, a FEMALE spirit a few days ago.
Koopatrol: Really? While I was on vacation?
Hammer Bro: Yeah, and after he was possessed, well… let’s just say HE wasn’t a he… Hee hee!
Koopatrol: Bowser’s a girl!
Both: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Lord Bowser!
Bowser: You’re both FIRED!
Both: We’re sorry!
They leave. Bowser walks to his throne. He sits in it.
Kammy, his witch minion, comes immediately to his call on her broom.
Kammy: Yes, Master?
Bowser: Where were you when I got possessed?!
Kammy: You mean last week?
Kammy: I was on my honeymoon!
Bowser: What?! With who?
Bowser: But you two aren’t married…
Kammy: You don’t have to be married to have a honeymoon, silly head!
Bowser: Yes you do.
Bowser: I heard you had some news for me?
Kammy: Oh yes! This map came for you!
She holds out a map, with no labels on it. Bowser has never seen any of these places before.
Bowser: What? Who sent it?
Kammy: Princess Peach! I think it means she wants to see you, wink, wink.
Bowser: Why did you say “wink, wink”?
Kammy: Uh… That’s not important! Anyways, she’s in Rogueport now, we should leave.
Bowser: Yay! I get to see Princess Peach!
Bowser hops in his Clown Copter thing and flies through the castle wall.
Kammy: Sir! There is a door!
Bowser: Crud… Did I go through the wall again?
Bowser and Kammy soon arrive. Bowser hops out of his Clown Copter. Suddenly he sees a female Goomba being attacked by some weird guy!
Bowser: I must save her!
Bowser: Because all Goombas are my minions, and what will they think if I never help them?!
Kammy: But I don’t think she works for you-
Lord Crump: Give me your lunch money!
Goombella: What? I have none!
Lord Crump: Oh, I know. I’m just stalling so I can remember why I’m bugging you.
Goombella: Oh, well that’s okay.
Lord Crump: That’s right! Tell me where the Crystal Stars are!
Goombella: Never heard of them.
Lord Crump: Really? Um… What was I supposed to do?
Goombella: Uh… Go away?
Lord Crump: No, that can’t be right…
Bowser jumps up and squishes Crump.
Bowser: Gwa ha ha! Now you’re safe!
Goombella: I don’t think I was in any danger-
Bowser: Now, now, no need to thank me.
Goombella: I wasn’t.
Bowser: You shall now assist me on my quest!
Goombella: Isn’t that like, slavery?
Bowser: As long as we are on the same page.
Goombella joins your party… or something… Time to learn about your new friend!
Bowser: What’s that voice?
She can hit people with her head and give you some serious attitude!
Goombella: I do not, you idiotic voice!
Bowser: I’m confused.
Our heroes, or villain as it may be, leave the dock and head to the main part of town. Once there, they are greeted by Toadsworth.
Toadsworth: You’re not Mario.
Bowser: Right you are.
Toadsworth: Eh… You’ll do.
Bowser: Do what?
Toadsworth: Why, rescue the princess, of course!
Bowser: Gwa ha huh?
Toadsworth: Yes, she was kidnapped, and since Mario isn’t here YOU have to rescue her!
Kammy: Isn’t he the one who usually kidnaps her?
Toadsworth: You have a point…
Bowser: I’m confused.
Kammy: Tell you what… You can go with Goombella and I shall stay with this handsome specimen of a man!
Toadsworth: I’m loved!
Bowser: I’m not gross!
Goombella: Not YOU, you idiot; Kammy and Toadsworth.
Kammy: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Now GO!
Bowser: All right, little Goomba girl, where do you want to take your master?
Goombella: Three things: One, my name is GOOMBELLA; two, you’re not my master; and three. I think we should go to Professor Frankly’s house… he’ll help us.
Bowser: That’s a good minion.
Goombella: I have a feeling I’m going to be stuck with this guy for a while.
And so Bowser and Goombella head to Frankly’s. Soon they are standing outside a small, dirty house.
Bowser: Is this guy going to be my new minion?
Goombella: NO! He is just going to help us!
They go inside. In the house they are greeted by an old Goomba with swirly glasses.
Frankly: Hello! Are you here to search for the Crystal Stars?
Bowser: Uh… No.
Goombella: Oh, don’t worry, Bowser, he’s always asking people that.
Bowser: I’m confused.
Frankly: Why you have a MAP!
Bowser: Yes, but it’s not marked-
Frankly: I LOVE MAPS! Let me mark it for you!
Bowser: Uh, okay.
Goombella: Professor? Are you feeling okay?
Frankly grabs the map and begins scribbling on it. After about ten minutes he hands it back.
Bowser: What is “BRUHANFIJIAHBO…LAND?”
Goombella: What? Why do you ask?
Bowser: Because that’s what he wrote on the map!
Goombella: Frankly! You ruined it!
Suddenly the map begins to glow. All of the scribbles disappear and a spot called “Rogueport” labels where they are.
Frankly: A magic map! It must lead to the Crystal Stars!
Bowser: That’s great, but I want to find Peach.
Frankly: Peach… I hear she is by an uh… Crystal Star! If you want her you must find them!
Frankly: Plus you get treasure if you get them all!
Bowser: Gwa ha ha! Both Peach and the treasure are mine!
Frankly: Great! Now follow me, my mappy friend!
They head outside and go near a pipe.
Frankly: This pipe leads to the underground section of Rogueport. It requires a heavy locking system.
Frankly: So no one steals the underground, of course!
Goombella: Uh… Professor? How do you steal the underground?
Frankly: Uh… MAPS!
After putting in a long code, with Frankly loudly shouting out all the characters, he jumped in the pipe with no warning.
Goombella: Ack! Hurry, Bowser!
Bowser: Yes, my minion!
They both jump in as well. At the bottom they see Frankly heading towards another pipe.
Frankly: The maps shall guide me!
Suddenly a Goomba, a Paragoomba, and a Spikey Goomba jump in front of Frankly.
Goomba: Prepare to… something!
Frankly: Oh no! A gang of bullies!
Bowser walks over to them and towers over their feeble forms.
Paragoomba: Uh… Rar?
They all run away.
Frankly: Excellent! Now follow me!
They continue for a ways until they are blocked by a large wall.
Frankly: Hmmm. I keep forgetting about this. There must be some way past this wall! Bowser, Goombella, begin searching for a way!
Bowser: I’m confused.
Goombella: Just look around the room.
Bowser and Goombella search around the room while Frankly just stands around singing.
Frankly: MAPS! I like maps! Mapalicious maps! LA LA LKA KLA AKMD BAJVF MAPS!
Goombella soon discovers a black key.
Goombella: Bowser! Hey! I found something, where are you?
Bowser is inside a small room with a talking chest.
Chest: Let me out.
Chest: 'Cause, I’ll make you rich?
Chest: You need a key to-
Bowser grabs the chest and pries it open. A large, purple spirit oozes out.
Spirit: HA HA HA! Now I shall curse you for releasing me!
Bowser: I thought you WANTED to be released?
Spirit: I did. Now I’m punishing you!
Bowser: I’m confused.
He shoots out a powerful spell, only it misses and hits the wall, disintegrating it and revealing the next area.
Spirit: Uh… Let that be a warning!
He flies away. Goombella runs into the room.
Goombella: Bowser! I found a black key! Do you think we might need it for-
Frankly: Come on! The wall’s gone!
They run out and continue on. Eventually they reach a large chamber. One wall is almost entirely taken up by a giant door.
Frankly: Welcome… to the Thousand Second Door! It has been closed for as long as I can remember… a thousand seconds!
Goombella: Isn’t that only about fifteen minutes?
Frankly: Yes! Now to open it you must collect all the Crystal Stars!
Bowser: And then Peach and the treasure are mine?
Frankly: Yes! Quickly, stand on the pedestal in front of the door!
Bowser walks over to the pedestal and stands on it. His map floats up and flashes a lot. After a bizarre light show the map comes back down.
Bowser: That was weird, wait look at this!
He shows them the map. A castle and a Crystal Star have appeared on the right side of it.
Goombella: Why that’s Petalburg Town! But I don’t recall there being a castle there.
Frankly: Excellent! Now you two, go to the right of the sewers, at the far end there is a pipe leading to Petalburg. I must go look at maps in my house!
He dashes away.
Bowser: Come, feeble minion!
The two of them go all the way back, and then some, until they are greeted by a Blooper!
Blooper: You are here to cook me, aren’t you?!
Blooper: Well too bad! Prepare to die!
He attempts to hit them. Bowser grabs the tentacles and slams the Blooper into a wall.
Blooper: Ow. I shall not be food!
Bowser: Flame breath!
He blasts the Blooper.
Blooper: Oh no! I’ve been cooked!
He then turns to ash. Bowser and Goombella then travel into the pipe… and Petalburg.
Captain: Mario, I’m running low on gas, where should I go?
Mario: Let’s-a go!
In the next chapter, Mario will finally get somewhere, only is that where he needs to go? Bowser shall make a new lackey… err… friend, and Luigi will get a letter. All this and more, next time on Paper Bowser 2 and the Thousand Second Door! Why is it 2, if it’s the first Paper Bowser?