Paper Mario: The Thousand-Minute Door

By Koopa Kid

Chapter 4: For Free Pork the Bell Tolls

After Mario and the others had a long discussion in Glitzville, Mario and Spike went over to the Thousand-Minute Door.

Spike: Show that door the Crystal Star!

Mario: But the Thousand-Minute Door can't see.

Spike: Just take it out or something!

Mario holds up the Crystal Star and as always the light show comes on.

Mario: The next location seems to be some kind of tower.

Spike: I thought you already went to one?

Mario: That was a castle a tower is different.

Spike: I can't see the difference.

Mario: Let's just go to the stinkin' professor already!

They go to Frankly's house.

Frankly: What?

Mario: You know what I said!

Frankly: I have hearing problems.

Mario: No you don't, you old coot!

Frankly: The Crystal Star is in Twilight Town.

Mario: Let me guess. There's a warp pipe under Rogueport that will lead us there.

Frankly: How did you know?

Mario: Because we already went in a warp pipe under Rogueport two times!

Frankly: The warp pipe is at the west side of town.

Spike: Thank you for the very informative conversation.

Frankly: That was sarcastic, wasn't it?

Mario slams the door and goes to the west side of town.

Mario: Now where could the entrance to the underground passageway be?

Mario and Spike look below them and they see that they’re standing on top of a vent.

Mario: Oh.

Mario lifts the vent and tosses it away.

Spike: Let's go!

They jump in and the vent lands on a Pianta's head.

Pianta #1: Ouch!

The Pianta glares at the Pianta standing right next to him.

Pianta #1: What's your problem?! Hitting me in da head like that!

Pianta #2: Huh?! What are yous talking about?

The Piantas fight in a big cloud of dust.

Mario: Well here's the pipe to Twilight Town!

Spike: How do you know that this pipe leads to Twilight Town?

Mario: Because the sign said "To Twilight Town".

They jump in the pipe but get spat back out.

Mario: What the?!

Spike: I guess we have to see the Professor about this predicament.

They go back to Frankly's house.

Frankly: What do you need this time?

Spike: The pipe to Twilight Town won't let us go through!

Frankly: What?!

Mario: When we go through the pipe it spits us back out!

Frankly: What?!

Mario slaps Frankly.

Frankly: Ow! Respect your elders!

Mario: Frankly!

Frankly: Okay! Okay! There's a citizen of Twilight Town hanging around in the alley.

Mario and Spike go to the alley.

Darkly: Hello there! How may I be of service?

Mario: We are having technical difficulties with the entrance to Twilight Town.

Darkly: What's that supposed to mean?

Spike: We can't go through the pipe that leads to Twilight Town!

Darkly: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why didn't you just say so?

Mario: Sigh!

Darkly: Why did you say sigh out loud?

Spike: Let's just get on with the warp pipe!

Darkly: Sheesh! Be patient!

Darkly signs Mario's name on the back of his overalls.

Darkly: What's your name?

Spike: Spike.

Darkly signs Spike's name on his butt.

Spike: Why are you signing my name on my butt?!

Darkly: Why are you named Spike?

Spike: Because of this!

Spikes come out of Spike's boots.

Darkly: Oh my.

Spike stomps Darkly with his spiked shoes, making a bunch of holes in Darkly. Spike steps away from Darkly and retracts the spikes from his shoes.

Darkly: Hey! I look like cheese!

Mario and Spike go to the warp pipe, which now takes them to Twilight Town.

Citizen: Greetings, earth creatures!

Mario: Okay...

Citizen: You better leave.

Mario: Why?

Citizen: Because it's dangerous here.

Mario: Why?

Citizen: I have no time for this!

The sound of a bell is heard.

Citizen: Oh no! Who could it be this time?

The citizen is surrounded in a puff of smoke and turns into a pig.

Spike: Oh boy! Pork!

Spike gulps down the pig.

Mario: Spit that out! You don't know where that's been!

Spike: Yes I do. It was right there!

Mario: Spit it out!

Spike spits the pig out and an old man comes out of his house.

Dour: Oh my. There are pigs all over the place!

The pig runs over and hits Dour's head.

Dour: Come in, new visitors.

Mario and Spike go in Dour's house.

Dour: Hello there. I am Dour, the mayor of this godforsaken town!

Mario: Why did that person turn into a pig?

Dour: Some monster placed a curse on us.

Mario: What was the curse?

Dour: Whenever you hear that bell ring, someone turns into a pig!

Mario: That's horrible!

Spike starts drooling and Mario shoves Spike.

Spike: Do you know anything about an object called a Crystal Star?

Dour: Well the monster has a star-shaped object.

Mario: Where is this monster?

Dour: At Creepy Steeple.

Mario and Spike head towards the town's exit until they are blocked by some dude guarding the gate.

Some Dude Guarding the Gate: You can't go past this gate!

Mario: Why not?

Some Dude Guarding the Gate: You have to have the mayor's permission! Nyah! Nyah!

Mario: You are so immature!

Mario and Spike go to the front of Dour's house and before they enter they hear the bell ring.

Spike: What was that?

Mario: The bell!

They go inside Dour's house and they see that he is a pig.

Mario: (staring at the ceiling) Oh no! Now we can't have the mayor's permission!

Mario looks at Spike and sees that his cheeks are bigger.

Spike: What?

Mario: Spit him out!

Spike spits Dour back out and they head towards the gate until some person drags them into her house.

Mom: Quick! I need food!

Mario gives her the Dry Mushroom he bought in Chapter 3.

Mom: Thank you!

The bell rings and she turns into a pig.

Kids: Mommy!

Mario and Spike dash towards the gate and on the way they hear the bell ring.

Mario: (running) Who could it possibly be this time?

They stop at the gate and see that the person guarding the gate turned into a pig.

Spike: More pork!

Spike eats the pig.

Mario: Stop doing that!

Spike: Sorry!

Spike spits the pig out and they go through Twilight Trail until they are blocked by a tree.

Spike: Well this stinks!

Mario: Look! A key!

Spike grabs the key from the other side of the tree with his tongue and hands it to Mario.

Mario: What do you think it's for?

Spike: Beats me.

A pig comes along and kicks them, making them go careening to the item store.

Shopkeeper: Go open the door to the storage room!

Mario uses the key he has to unlock the door to the storage room, then goes inside.

Black Chest: You! Let me out of here!

Mario: Whatever.

Mario and Spike go to the cabin in Twilight Trail, Mario grabs the black key inside, they go back to the storage room, and they open the black chest.

Demon: FOOLS! You are now cursed by turning into a tube in order to go under things whenever you want!

Mario: Uhhhh. Help me?

Demon: You got that right!

The demon goes back into the black chest and Mario and Spike use their new tube curse to go under the tree.

Crazee Dayzee: A meteor is going to destroy us all!

Mario: You’re crazy!

Crazee Dayzee: I know!

Amazee Dayzee: You will not pass!

Mario takes out some weed seeds.

Amazee Dayzee and Crazee Dazee: Oh no! It can't be possible!

Mario: It is!

Mario pours the weed seeds on them and they run away crying.

Hyper Goomba: Woohoo!

Hyper Paragoomba: Sugar!

Hyper Spiked Goomba: We love being hyper!

Mario gives them a bag of sugar. They eat all of the sugar in the bag, then get hyper even more than they were already, and from all of the intense hyperness they explode.

Spike: They're weird.

They continue through the trail and find a Hyper Cleft.

Hyper Cleft: I love hyperness!

He runs around in circles and never stops.

Mario: You’re very strange.

Hyper Cleft: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Mario and Spike go over to Creepy Steeple.

Spike: Wow! This is Creepy Steeple!

Mario: Let's go inside!

They go inside and encounter a Boo.

Boo: Attack!

A bunch of Boos come out.

Boo: Ha! You're outmatched!

Mario uses his Super Hammer to knock most of the Boos away.

Boo: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Combine!

All of the Boos merges into one giant Boo.

Atomic Boo: Any last words?

Mario: Where's the monster?

Atomic Boo: That's all?

Mario: Yep!

Atomic Boo: Just go through the door on your left and then go up the stairs.

Mario and Spike do what Atomic Boo told them.

Spike: All we have to do is go through this next door and we'll find the monster!

They go through the next door, up the flight of stairs, and end up in the monster's room, seeing a person covered up in a sheet with a party hat and a bowtie on.

?????: Well hey there, Slick!

Spike: Why did you turn everyone into pigs?!

?????: It was a prank!

Mario: A prank?! You shouldn't do this! This is more than a prank!

?????: Jeez, you sound like my mother! Let's just battle already!

Mario pulls up the monster’s party hat and lets go, making it slam onto his head.

?????: Ouch! You play rough, huh? Well how about this, bad boy?

His eyes flash, a light scans Mario, and then it scans ?????, turning him into a shadow version of Mario.

Shadow Mario:  Take this!

Shadow Mario charges towards Mario but Mario sticks out his leg, making him trip.

Spike: You are overrated!

The Crystal Star falls out of Shadow Mario's pocket and Mario snags the
Crystal Star.

End Of Chapter

Mario lifted the curse of Twilight Town! Now no more will have to suffer as a pig! It's time for Mario to continue his adventure.

Spike: Let's get out of here!

Mario: Yeah, let's!

Mario and Spike exit Creepy Steeple. Shadow Mario recovers, and also exits Creepy Steeple.

Shadow Mario: Now to get to Twilight Town!

He heads towards Twilight Town.

At Twilight Town...

The Shadow Sirens appear.

Beldam: This is the day that we'll finally defeat Mario!

Marilyn: Guh!

Beldam: Okay, Vivian. Hand over that Superbombomb!

Vivian: What?

Beldam: You lost it?!

Vivian: I didn't lose it! You have it!

Beldam checks her magical inventory.

Beldam: Ha! I don't have it so you'll have to look for it!

Beldam and Marilyn disappear into the shadows.

Vivian: Darn you, Beldam!

Back at Twilight Trail...

Shadow Mario: Almost there.

When he takes one more step Mario jumps out of the background.

Mario: Hello there, Slick!

Shadow Mario: You stole my body!

?????: That's right! I stole your name and body, and you have no name but you have the shadow version of your body! But in order to get your name and body back you have to guess my real name!

Mario: How am I supposed to know what your name is?

?????: Wrongo, little nobody! What mother would name her kid that?

Mario: That wasn't a guess!

?????: It's battle time!

Mario jumps on ????? but it does no physical damage to him at all.

?????: My turn!

????? whacks Mario with his hammer but it doesn’t do any damage to him either.

Mario: This is a waste of time!

Mario retreats to Twilight Town.

Vivian: This is hopeless! I'm never going to find that Superbombomb that Beldam dropped!

Mario: Where did she drop it?

Vivian: Somewhere around these bushes.

Mario walks over to the bush right next to him and picks up the Superbombomb.

Mario: Well that was easy.

Mario walks over to Vivian and hands her the Superbombomb.

Vivian: Thank you, I...

She stares at the Superbombomb.

Vivian: Oh no! Beldam must have broken it when she dropped it! I'm going to be punished for sure!

Mario: Don't worry! Everything will be all right!

Vivian: That's so kind! So, what's your name?

Mario: Uh... Well my name got stolen.

Vivian: What?! That's horrible! Tell me all about your dilemma!

Mario: Well this is what happened...

At Hatesong Tower...

Luigi: Well this is it.

Blooey: It looks old!

Jerry: It looks creepy!

Torque: I've seen better.

They go inside Hatesong Tower.

Chestnut King: Well well well! Look who we have here!

Luigi: Chestnut King!

Jerry: What did you take us here for?

Chestnut King: I decided to give you an earlier chance to rescue Princess Eclair!

Blooey: You won't win!

Torque: Get ready for defeat and the loss of 5,000 coins!

Luigi, Blooey, Jerry, and Torque all hit the Chestnut King with their strongest attacks.

Chestnut King: Arrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You're stronger than I thought! Looks like I'll have to get rid of you!

A trapdoor opens under Luigi and his companions, a slingshot rises out, and it flings Luigi, Blooey, Jerry, and Torque to some far off place.

Chestnut King: Bon voyage!

Back at Twilight Town...

Mario: ...and that's what happened.

Vivian: Well if that's the case I'll help you get your name and body back!

Mario: Let's go!

Mario and Vivian go to Twilight Trail and when they barely even move ????? jumps out of the background.

?????: It looks like you've got a new friend. Now for your next guess!

Vivian: This is the guy who stole your name and body? He looks vaguely

Mario: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Now back to that guess!

?????: Wrongo, little nobody! What mother would name her kid that?

Mario: I despise you!

Mario and Vivian retreat to Creepy Steeple.

Mario: Now how do we find out his na...

Before he can finish his sentence he trips and falls in the well nearby.

Vivian: Oh no!

Vivian goes into the well and finds that Mario is surrounded by a ton of Buzzy Beetles and Spike Tops.

Vivian: Go away!

Buzzy Beetles: Yipes! It's a Shadow Siren!

Spike Tops: We will obey!

All of the Buzzy Beetles and Spike Tops leave.

Mario: Thanks for saving me!

Vivian: You’re welcome!

Mario pushes a door that gets in his way all the way to the top, Vivian pulls Mario and herself in the shadows which makes the slide over them, and they rise back out of the shadows.

Mario: Well that takes care of the door.

Mario and Vivian find a tight spot so they use their tube ability to go through the tiny maze and into another room.

Vivian: Look! A parrot!

Mario: This must be ?????'s parrot!

Parrot: Good morning! Good morning!

Mario: What's your owner's name?

Parrot: Pretty bird! Pretty bird!

Mario: Uh, yeah. What's his name?

Parrot: Shine get! Shine get!

Mario: Tell us his stinkin' name!

Vivian drags Mario and herself into the shadows.

Parrot: What a relief! They're gone! Okay then, time to say this. Doopliss, you big meanie! Let me out of here and give me a cracker!

Mario and Vivian rise out of the shadows.

Mario: I'm gonna strangle you!

Mario starts to run towards the parrot until Vivian stops him.

Vivian: We don't have time for this! We've got to get to Doopliss!

Mario and Vivian exit Creepy Steeple, go back to Twilight Trail, and once again ????? jumps out of the background.

?????: All right, this is your final chance to guess my name correctly.

Mario: Doopliss!

Doopliss: What?! How did you know?

Doopliss screams and sprints back to Creepy Steeple.

Vivian: Let's follow him!

Mario and Vivian follow Doopliss to Creepy Steeple and into the room where Mario fought Doopliss before.

Doopliss: Look! It's Shadow Mario!

Goombella: Why do you even think about messing with Mario?

Koops: Look! He's got a Shadow Siren with him!

Flurrie: You don't stand a chance! You’re outnumbered!

Spike: Get prepared for a beating, punk!

Vivian: Wait. You’re Mario?

Mario: Yeah.

Vivian: Cool! You didn't attack me at all and I hate my sisters so let's beat this imposter!

Doopliss: What are you waiting for? Attack!

Mario: Oh no you don't!

Vivian sets Doopliss on fire, Doopliss panics and runs around in circles, he falls on the ground, and Mario and Doopliss turn back into their normal forms.

Doopliss: Ah man!

Doopliss jumps out of the window.

Doopliss: Ow, my neck!

Vivian grabs the Crystal Star and hands it to Mario.

Vivian: Here you go!

Mario holds up the Crystal Star.

End Of Chapter

Mario got a new friend, Vivian, an ex-Shadow Siren! With her help he defeated the evil Doopliss, who impersonated him and turned the town's population into pigs. Speaking of which, what happened with him anyway?

At Twilight Town...

Beldam: Where is Vivian?!

Marilyn: Guh?

Beldam: What is it now?

Doopliss rushes right past them.

Beldam: Oh.

At the X-Naut base...

Grodus: Mario got the fourth Crystal Star?!

X-Naut #1: Yeah.

Grodus: You’re fired!

A trapdoor opens under the X-Naut and after he falls in another X-Naut comes into the room.

X-Naut #2: How may I be of service, dude?

Grodus: Go send out Lord Crump!

X-Naut #2: Sure, dude!

In TEC's room…

Peach: What do you want now?!

TEC: In order for you to send a message, which you did not do last time, you have to pass a quiz.

Peach: Fire up those questions!

TEC: Question 1. When was yesterday?

Peach: Yesterday.

TEC: Correct! Question 2. What is my name?

Peach: TEC.

TEC: Correct! Question 3. What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Peach: I didn't have breakfast this morning.

TEC: Correct! Question 4. Is a spider a bug, an insect, or a spider?

Peach: A spider.

TEC: Correct! What was the name of the people who built me?

Peach: The X-Nauts.

TEC: Correct! Now go type a message!

Peach goes up to the keyboard and types a message.

TEC: Good night, Peach!

Peach: It's only noon!

Peach goes back to her room.

At the west side of Rogueport...

Bowser: Let me in!

Kammy: Give us tickets!

Ticket Taker: And you are...?

Bowser scorches him with his fire breath.

Ticket Taker: Pain... Misery... Suffering...

Bowser: Get out of the way!

Kammy: Couldn't you just fly to Glitzville in your Clown Copter again?

Bowser: That's a great idea!

Bowser hops into his Clown Copter and flies about two inches when his Clown
Copter falls into the water.

Bowser: Help! Help! I can't swim!

Kammy: Don't worry! I'll save you!

Kammy tosses a lift raft at Bowser but it lands with a plop a few centimeters away from him.

Kammy: Well I guess he's doomed.

Bowser: KAMMY!

Read on!

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