Paper Mario: The Thousand-Minute Door

By Koopa Kid

Chapter 5: The Key to Dumb Bells

After all of the apologizing Mario's partners made for thinking that he was the bad guy Mario went to the Thousand-Minute Door.

Vivian: It's show time!

Mario holds up the Crystal Star and nothing will change the fact that the light show comes on.

Mario: The next Crystal Star is on an island!

Vivian: Oh boy! We're gonna watch Gilligan's Island!

Mario: ...

At Frankly's house...

Frankly: What?!

Mario picks up the trash bin and starts hitting Frankly with it.

Frankly: Okay! Okay! I'll tell you where the Crystal Star is! You... in front of the computer... you better listen too!

Mario and Vivian start looking around in the house.

Vivian: "You in front of the computer"? What are you talking about?

Mario: I don't see anyone else with us.

Frankly: I'll elaborate later. Anyway the next Crystal Star is at Keelhaul City!

Mario: Why is it called Keelhaul City if there are no houses, buildings, or people there?

Frankly: To get lots of people to come there.

Mario and Vivian go inside the inn nearby for no reason at all.

Flavio: 55 gallons of pop on the wall, 55 gallons of pop! Take one down, pass it around, 54 gallons of pop on the wall!

Someone passes Flavio some Chuckola Cola, Flavio drinks it, and Mario and Vivian go over to him.

Vivian: Sir, are you okay?

Flavio: 54 gallons of pop on the wall, 54 gallons of pop! Take one down pass it around, 53 gallons of pop on the wall!

Mario: I call that a no.

Someone else hands Flavio some Chuckola Cola and he drinks it.

Vivian: Mister...

Flavio jumps on top of his table.

Flavio: Let me hear you people!

People: Whoop! Whoop!

Vivian: Mister!

Flavio jumps down from the table.

Flavio: The name is Flavio. I'm the richest person in Rogueport!

Mario: Do you have a boat?

Flavio: Oh yeah!

Mario: Will you take us to Keelhaul City?

Flavio hops on top of his table again.

Flavio: Do a little dance! Make a little love! Get down tonight!

People: Woo!

Mario: Answer me!

Flavio: Treasure!

He runs out of the inn and to the dock.

Vivian: That was quick.

They go over to Flavio's boat at the dock.

Flavio: Do we have a navigator?

Pa Patch: No. Our navigator went on a sabbatical and by the time he was done he forgot where he was.

Flavio: Oh no! We can't go on without a navigator.

Pa Patch: Well there is this guy called Admiral Bobbery...

Flavio: Then it's settled! Go get Admiral Bobbery!

Pa Patch: But...

Flavio: I like soda!

Mario and Vivian go over to a house on the east side of town.

Bobbery: What are you doing here?! I don't know who Admiral Bobbery is! Get out!

Bobbery kicks them out of his house (literally).

Vivian: Maybe we should ask Podley where Admiral Bobbery is?

Mario: Who's Podley?

They go back to the inn andspeak to the owner of the bar that they met Flavio in.

Mario: Where does Admiral Bobbery live?

Podley: In a house on the east side of town.

Mario and Vivian go back to Bobbery's house.

Bobbery: All right, I'm Bobbery! But I'll never go back to sea! Get out!

Bobbery kicks them out of his house again.

Vivian: Do you want a piece of me?! The Hulkster's gonna bring you down!

Vivian starts to fight Bobbery but he kicks her out of his house again.

Vivian: Not even the Hulkster can stop him!

Mario: Well for starters you're not Hulk Hogan.

Vivian: Let's talk to Podley again!

Mario: How is he...

Vivian is already in front of the inn.

Mario: Never mind.

Mario goes to the bar inside of the inn.

Podley: Are you wondering why Bobbery won't go out to sea?

Mario: Pretty much.

Podley: His wife got sick and died.

Vivian: Is that it?!

Podley: Yeah.

Mario and Vivian go back to Bobbery's house.

Bobbery: I refuse!

Mario gives Bobbery a blank stare.

Mario: Okay...

Vivian: It's not your fault that your wife died! It's just a part of the circle of life!

Bobbery: Youíre right! Let's go!

They walk out of the house and spot Ms. Mowz on top of Zess T's house.

Ms. Mowz: Am I lucky or what? This is the fourth time I've seen you!

Mario: Good grief! It's you again!

Ms. Mowz: That's right! The one and only Ms. Mowz! If you're wondering why I'm here, I'm looking for an exclusive badge but I can't find it.

Mario: You mean that badge right next to you?

Ms. Mowz: You found it!

Ms. Mowz swipes the badge.

Ms. Mowz: I want to join you!

Mario: I don't want a deranged thief joining our party!

Vivian: Let's get out of here!

Mario and Vivian sprint to the boat at the dock with Ms. Mowz chasing them.

Flavio: To Treasure Island!

Four Eyes: We're going to Keelhaul City!

Flavio: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Pa Patch: Moron.

Flavio: What was that?

Pa Patch: Nothing.

Ms. Mowz is chasing the ship.

Ms. Mowz: Good thing I can swim!

A giant Blooper rises out of the water.

Blooper: Bloop!

Ms. Mowz: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The Blooper grabs Ms. Mowz with one of his tentacles and drags her underwater.

Flavio: Yo ho ho!

Mario: What are you doing?

Flavio: Yo ho ho!

Vivian: How long has it been since you went to therapy?

Flavio: Yo ho ho?

Mario: We should cut his sugar intake.

Bobbery: Someone get this lunatic off of here!

Flavio:  There's a small, fiery creature right behind you!

Bobbery: That's the oldest trick in the book! I'm not falling for that!

Pa Patch: Look behind you!

Bobbery: No!

Four Eyes: It's a ghost!

Bobbery: I'm not going to look!

Mario: Look, darn you!

Bobbery: Negatory!

Vivian: It's a freakin' ghost for goodness sake! Just look!

Bobbery: Make me!

Ember: Boo.

Bobbery looks behind him.

Bobbery: Oh my gosh! Why didn't you all tell me there was a ghost behind me?!

Mario: ...

Ember: Where are you, people?!

A bunch of Embers appear.

Embers: Attack!

Ms. Mowz climbs on top of the ship.

Ms. Mowz: I finally caught up with you!

The Embers attack Ms. Mowz.

Ms. Mowz: Ouch! Why must I constantly be tortured?!

Due to the attack Ms. Mowz falls off of the ship.

Embers: Destroy!

The Embers completely destroy the ship, forcing Mario and his friends to go in the ocean.


Luigi: Where are we?

Jerry: We mustíve landed in some kind of town.

Blooey: Duh!

Torque: This is Jazzafraz Town!

Luigi: How do you know that?

Torque: I watch tons of plays around here!

Blooey: I love plays!

Luigi: Focus! We've got to find the next Marvelous Compass Piece!

A flower walks over to Luigi.

Hayzee: Want to join my play? The best actor will receive a Marvelous Compass Piece!

Jerry: That was easy.

They follow Hayzee to audition for the play.

Luigi: To be or not to be!

Hayzee: You're playing grass, not Shakespeare!

Luigi: How am I supposed to play grass?!

Hayzee: You win!

Luigi shrugs and grabs the Marvelous Compass Piece from Hayzee's hand.

Luigi: Now we have to go to Rapturous Ruins!

Hayzee: That sounds like a great idea for my next pla... I mean that sounds interesting! Can I join you?

Luigi: Sure!

Hayzee: Yahoo!

At Keelhaul City...

Mario: We've washed up on Keelhaul City's beach!

Everyone: Yay!

In a matter of seconds the crew builds a shanty town.

Pa Patch: You're an idiot!

Flavio: Of course you're an idiot!

An Ember appears between them.

Flavio and Pa Patch: Ghost!

Ms. Mowz washes up on shore.

Ms. Mowz: Finally! I thought I'd never get out of the ocean!

Ms. Mowz spots Mario.

Ms. Mowz: Boy I sure am lucky because I found you again!

Ember: It's you again!

The Ember attacks Ms. Mowz, making her fall into a crate.

Sailor #1: Whoops! I forgot to put the top on!

The sailor puts the top on the crate and walks away

Ember: My job here is done!

The Ember disappears.

Flavio: I'm thirsty!

Flavio runs over to the crate that Ms. Mowz is in, throws the top off, and grabs Ms. Mowz.

Flavio: Finally! I have soda!

Ms. Mowz: I'm not soda!

Flavio starts to punch her, kick her, bite her, jerk her, and various other things to "open" her.

Flavio: This bottle won't open! It's time to use my bottle opener!

Ms. Mowz's eyes bulge as Flavio carries her into his tent.

Mario: Well what should we do now?

Pa Patch: You should explore the island while I hit Flavio with random objects.

Vivian: Okay!

Mario and Vivian start to explore the island.

Green Fuzzy: We are parasites!

Flower Fuzzy: I von to suck your blood!

A Putrid Piranha pops out of the ground and eats the Fuzzies.

Putrid Piranha: Oh no! They're sucking my energy!

He starts to panic and accidentally hits a wall.

Mario: We should continue and forget that this ever happened.

Vivian: What just happened?

Mario: That's the spirit!

Vivian: Seriously, what just happened?

Mario: ...

Mario and Vivian go to the top of the... whatever it was and head towards the east direction.

Bobbery: More ghosts!

Sailor #2: I'm scared!

Four Eyes: I hate this day.

Ember #1: Die!

Ember #2: What are we doing here?

Bobbery: Take evasive action!

Mario: No! Wait!

Four Eyes and the sailor retreat and bring Mario and Vivian with them.

Vivian: We've got to save Bobbery!

They continue to go east and see Bobbery on top of a palm tree.

Mario: Don't worry! We'll save you!

Ember #1: You can't save him!

Ember #2: When we're around.

Vivian drags them into the shadows.

Embers: Let us out of here!

Mario whacks the palm tree with his hammer, making Bobbery fall out.

Bobbery: Wha? Mario! I must go to Bob-omb heaven.

Mario: Any last requests?

Bobbery: Bring me Chuckola Cola.

Mario and Vivian go back to the shanty town.

Flavio: Oh no! My soda is chasing me!

Ms. Mowz (with a bandage on her head) is seen chasing Flavio with a bottle of Chuckola Cola in her hands.

Ms. Mowz: Come back here!

Mario: Chuckola Cola!

Mario swipes the bottle from Ms. Mowz's hands.

Ms. Mowz: Hey! Oh, it's you!

A sailor walks along and takes her bandage off.

Sailor #3: Oh my gosh! Somebody get a doctor!

A doctor comes over.

Doctor: What do you need?

Sailor #3: You need to sew her head back together!

Doctor: Come with me!

The doctor picks her up and walks over to the hospital tent.

Ms. Mowz: What are you doing? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mario and Vivian go back to where Bobbery is.

Mario: Here is some Chuckola Cola.

Bobbery takes a few sips and falls asleep.

Bobbery: Oh no! Flavio is going to destroy us all with his stupidity!

Mario gets out a foghorn and blows in it, making Bobbery wake up.

Bobbery: You saved my life again! I will accompany you on your adventure.

Vivian shrinks and flies into Mario's pocket.

Vivian: You know I'm going to say it's comfy in here... dang!

They head towards a giant rock and bust it down with a wrecking ball.

?: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Get out of here! I'm busy!

Mario: Who just said that?

Bobbery: Probably some kid trying to prank us.

Mario and Bobbery continue to go through Pirate's Grotto until they see a bunch of spikes on the ground.

Mario: This'll be easy to avoid.

Mario jumps over all of the spikes.

Bobbery: I can't jump that far!

Mario: Well too bad!

Bobbery hops on top of the spikes with the inflicted pain sending him to the other side.

Bobbery: That was very painful but I got to the other side.

They go through several passages and eventually find a big ship, which they go in.

Black Chest: You know what to do!

An Ember appears.

Ember: Fear me!

Mario whacks him with his hammer, making him fly right into the wall.

Ember: Spare me!

The Ember disappears, leaves a black key behind, and Mario opens the chest with the black key.

Demon: FOOLS! You are cursed blah blah blah. You can turn into a boat at will yadda yadda yadda.

Mario: You're new at this, aren't you?

Demon: Nobody asked you!

The demon goes back into the black chest.

Bobbery: I wonder what he does in that black chest before people let him out.

Mario: Does that have to do with anything that just happened?

Bobbery: Not really.

Mario and Bobbery use their new boat ability to go down the waterfall to get the gate handle about two feet from them, which they use to operate the chain spool which opens the gate nearby. They use their boat ability again to go through the newly opened waterway.

Toad #1: It's a paper boat!

Toad #2: Let's blow spitballs at it!

The Toads blow spitballs at Mario but amazingly don't sink him.

Bobbery: Stop doing that, you blokes!

Toad #3: Attack!

The Toads, Francessa, and Frankie jump down into the water and start to swim towards Mario.

Bobbery: Wait! If you can swim canít you all get out of here?

Toad #4: I never thought of that.

Frankie: How did we wreck our ship underground?

Francessa: Shut up!

Mario and the others go to dry land.

Bobbery: Look! A really big ship that can be seen by anyone is right over there!

Mario spots the ship and he goes inside, along with Bobbery.

?: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Can't you tell when I don't want company?!

Mario and Bobbery go through the next door.

Cortez: Go away!

Mario: We just want...

Cortez: You want my treasure, eh? Well you'll have to fight me for it!

Mario takes out one of the bones from Cortez's body, making all of the bones fall down.

Cortez: It's time for round two!

All of the bones come back together and a jewel appears on the middle of his body.

Bobbery: Wow! That's a pretty jewel!

Bobbery takes the jewel from Cortez, making him lose his power.

Cortez: Round three!

Cortez is now nothing but a floating head with weapons surrounding him.

Cortez: Beat that, Triffle Toes!

One of the weapons surrounding Cortez pokes him.

Cortez: Oh no! I have been defeated!

Mario: As I was saying, I just wanted that Crystal Star from that big treasure pile you had.

Cortez: Is that it?

Mario: Yeah.

Cortez: Well you can have it!

Cortez gives Mario the Crystal Star.

End Of Chapter

Mario beat Cortez the ghost pirate and got a Crystal Star! Doesn't Four Eyes look familiar?

Toad #5: Look! I finally noticed a hole in the wall! This could be our way out!

They go through the hole in the wall.

Pa Patch: Hey guys! Look at this!

They spot Four Eyes on top of a gigantic doomship.

Four Eyes: It is time to reveal my true identity!

He rips his pirate costume off, revealing that he's really Lord Crump.

Lord Crump: Guess who!

Mario: Lord Crump!

Lord Crump: That's right! Give me the Crystal Star or it's the end for you!

Bobbery: We'll never give you the Crystal Star, cretin!

Lord Crump: Fire!

The doomship starts using its cannons and starts to shoot the island.

Flavio: Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Flavio runs right through the hole in the wall.

Mario: Flavio!

Mario and Bobbery chase Flavio all the way into Cortez's ship.

Cortez: What do you want?

Flavio: Row row row your boat!

Cortez: You want to use my boat?

Flavio: Yip! Yip!

Cortez: Well knock yourself out!

They go out of the rooms and to the main part of the ship.

Mario: Hey guys! We've got the pirate king's ship!

Everyone goes on the ship.

Cortez: Attack the intruders!

They go towards Crump's boat.

Lord Crump: What the?!

Cortez's ship crashes into Lord Crump's ship.

Lord Crump: Attack!

Ms. Mowz leaps into the air towards the ship but they shoot a cannonball at her, making her land in parts unknown.

Mario: It's time to end your reign!

Mario and Bobbery jump towards the ship but his Mailbox SP starts ringing.

Mario: Dang! This is not a good time to check mail!

Dear Mario,

So far I've learned that my captorsí seem to be called X-Nauts if that helps you about where to find me. Come and get me soon!


Bobbery: Look out!

Mario: Why?

They land smack down on the ship.

Lord Crump: You wimps! You're so wimpy! Ha ha ha! Wimps!

Mario gives Lord Crump a wedgie.

Lord Crump: Ow! Yow! Yow! Retreat!

Mario and Bobbery go back to Cortez's ship and Lord Crump's ship sails away.

At the X-Naut base...

Grodus: You lost again?!

Lord Crump: Affirmative.

Grodus: Well youíd better improve next time, boneheadd, because this is your last chance!

Lord Crump: Yes sir.

Grodus: Before you try to defeat Mario, first you have to find the superbombomb in Twilight Town.

Lord Crump: You got it!

Lord Crump leaves.

Grodus: Finally he's gone!

X-Naut #1: What do you need, dude?

Grodus: Command the Shadow Beauties to attack Mario again.

Beldam: It's Shadow Sirens!

Grodus: Whatever! It's the exact same thing!

In TEC's room...

Peach: What do you want with me?!

TEC: You need to get a data disk from Grodus's room.

Peach: How do I do that?!

TEC: You just need a potion that will turn you invisible!

Peach: That'll be easy!

Peach goes up to the X-Naut lab but accidentally gets the ingredients wrong and turns into a bigger version of herself instead of turning invisible.

Peach: I hope I did this right!

Peach tries to go through the door but she is so big that she smashes through the wall.

X-Naut #2: Run for your life!

X-Naut #3: It's Peachzilla!

All of the X-Nauts retreat and Peach smashes through another wall.

X-Yux: Oh no! She's huge!

The X-Yux decides to go through the ceiling and Peach smashes through the wall.

Peach: This is easy, now all I have to do is get the data disk!

Peach grabs the data disk and goes back to TEC's room.

Peach: I've got the data disk! But how do I turn back to normal?

TEC: Just eat this Poison Mushroom to go back to your normal size.

Peach eats the Poison Mushroom which makes her turn back to normal.

TEC: You can go to your room now!

Peach goes back to her room.

At Twilight Town...

Kammy: The next Crystal Star should be here.

Bowser: What makes you think it'll be here?

Kammy: Well...

Ms. Mowz lands on Kammy's head.

Bowser: Who are you?!

Ms. Mowz: I'm Ms. Mowz, the best thief ever!

Bowser: Do you know anything about a Crystal Star?

Ms. Mowz: Yes! Mario has five of them so far. Do you know where Mario is?

Bowser: I was just about to ask you that!

Kammy: So tell us more!

Ms. Mowz: Well I think Mario...

Lord Crump: I found it! I've got the superbombomb!

Bowser: Hey! This mouse was just about to tell us some facts about Mario and the Crystal Stars!

Lord Crump: Tell me what you know!

Bowser: You tell us what you know, freak!

Lord Crump: Eat superbombomb, you stupid lizard!

The superbombomb lands on the ground with no effect at all.

Kammy: That's it?

Bowser: Taste my wrath!

Bowser lights the fuse with his fire breath, apparently resulting in the superbombomb exploding.

Ms. Mowz: Not again!

Read on!

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