Paper Mario: The Thousand-Minute Door

By Koopa Kid

Chapter 6: 3 Days of Crankyness

After the ship is done sailing back to Rogueport, Mario and Bobbery go to the Thousand-Minute Door.

Bobbery: You know what to do!

Mario holds up the Crystal Star and just like every single time the light show comes on.

Mario: The Crystal Star is in a Sanctum!

Bobbery: This looks very familiar.

Mario: Really?

Bobbery: No.

At Frankly's house...

Frankly: What?!

Mario takes one of the pegs off of the table and smacks Frankly in the head with it.

Frankly: Is it necessary to hit me every time I say what?

Mario: Yes.

Frankly: Anywho, the Crystal Star is in Poshley Sanctum, which is located in Poshley Heights, and you have to ride a train called the Excess Express.

Bobbery: How are we going to get on that train?!

Frankly: Remember Don Pianta?

Mario: Yeah. Why did you ask?

Frankly: You just have to get some train tickets from Don Pianta.

Mario: This'll be a snap!

Mario and Bobbery go to Don Pianta's hideout.

Don Pianta: Francessa! Frankie!

Bobbery: Who?

Don Pianta: Uggggghhhhhhhh...

Don Pianta turns pale and falls onto his bed.

Mario: Look at what you've done!

Mario slaps Bobbery on the back of the head.

Pianta #1: Boss!

Pianta #2: Dis is all your fault!

Mario: Do what you want with him.

The Piantas start beating Bobbery up.

Mario: How can I get those train tickets?

The Piantas toss Bobbery out of the building, making him fly to parts unknown.

Mario: I've got it!

Ms. Mowz crashes through the ceiling.

Ms. Mowz: Since I've found you for the seventh time, can I join your party for once?

Mario: Well I don't have a partner with me and I really need some company. Yes, you can join my party.

Ms. Mowz: Yahoo! What do you need to do right now?

Mario: I need to get some train tickets for the Excess Express.

Ms. Mowz: Is that it?

Mario: Yeah.

Ms. Mowz goes over to Don Pianta and takes some train tickets out of his pocket.

Mario: Isn't that stealing?

Ms. Mowz: Who cares?

Mario: Good point.

They go over to the Excess Express.

Conductor: Tickets, please.

Mario and Ms. Mowz show their tickets.

Conductor: Enjoy your ride on the Excess Express!

Mario, Ms. Mowz, and the conductor go onto the Excess Express.

Mario: How long will the ride to Poshley Heights take?

Conductor: Three days.

Mario: Three days?!

The Excess Express leaves the station.

Conductor: You will stay in Cabin 5.

Mario and Ms. Mowz go to their cabin.

Ms. Mowz: What's this?

Ms. Mowz picks up a piece of paper.

Ms. Mowz: "You are sticky! Ha! Ha!"

Mario's stomach growls.

Mario: To the dining car!

They go over to the cafeteria and see a big group gathered in one spot.

Mario: What's going on?

Chef Shimi: Someone roll my pot!

Ms. Mowz: You want us to roll your pot around?

Chef Shimi: I meant someone stole my pot. Before you ask, Cheep Cheep was my first language.

Mario: Can I have something to eat?

Chef Shimi: No! Everything on the menu has to be made with my pot!

Pennington: I know who the culprit is! It's Zip Toad!

Zip Toad: I don't even need a pot. I just have my servants to bring my food to the table.

Mario: Who are you?!

Pennington: I'm Pennington, a detective and I'm trying to deduce who the culprit is. Ah ha! The culprit is the waitress!

Waitress: I serve the food! I couldn't steal it even if I wanted to!

Pennington: Ratooie stole the pot!

Ratooie: I'm working on my new invention. Why would I steal the pot?

Pennington: It's George!

The conductor walks over.

Conductor: We don't even have a George on this train!

Pennington: Chef Shimi himself!

Chef Shimi: How can I reel my own pot?

Pennington: What?

Chef Shmi: I mean, how can I steal my own pot?

Mario: You're not a very good detective.

Pennington: I know! It's... what was it again?

Ms. Mowz spots some stains on the ground.

Ms. Mowz: Look! There's some stains on the ground!

Mario: You're right! It might lead us to the real culprit!

They follow the stains to Cabin 3.

Big Fat Toad: What are you here for?

Mario: We want the pot back!

Big Fat Toad: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Take this!

The big fat Toad sits on top of Mario.

Mario: For the love of god! Get off of me!

Big Fat Toad: Never! And don't look in the drawer because the pot isn't in there.

Ms. Mowz goes over to the drawer and takes the pot out.

Big Fat Toad: I said don't look in the drawer!

Ms. Mowz: Shut up!

Ms. Mowz hits the big fat Toad with the pot and goes back to the dining car with Mario.

Chef Shimi: Congratulations! You get... nothing!

Mario: So?

Chef Shimi: I must cook!

Mario: ...

Pennington: You two seem to be good detectives! Follow me to Cabin 6 and we will discuss... stuff.

They go into Cabin 6.

Pennington: Who are you?

Mario: Mario.

Pennington: I will try to deduce your identity!

Mario: I'm Mario!

Pennington: You must be... Luigi!

Mario: What part about me being Mario do you not understand?

Pennington: Luigi always tries to tell people that he's Mario!

Mario: I have an "M" on my hat, for goodness sake!

Pennington: Okay, Luigi, here's what I want you to do...

Ms. Mowz: His name is Mario!

Pennington: Shut up!

Pennington grabs Ms. Mowz, goes out of his room, and ties her to a coat rack.

Bub: Look! It's a mouse pinata! Let's beat it up until the candy comes out!

All of the kids get out base ball bats.

Ms. Mowz: I'm not a pinata!

They all start beating her up with baseball bats.

Pennington: Anywho, I wanted you to check out Cabin 8, which the Bob-omb family is staying in.

Mario goes out of the cabin and spots the kids beating up Ms. Mowz.

Mario: Get away from her!

Bub: Why should we?

Mario: Because I'll smack you if you don't.

They all run away.

Mario: Are you okay?

Ms. Mowz: No.

Mario unties Ms. Mowz and goes inside Cabin 8.

Sylvia: You're the one who threatened Bub!

Goldbob: You're going to regret that you threatened Bub!

Mario tosses Sylvia, Goldbob, and Bub out the window.

Ms. Mowz: Weren't we supposed to interrogate them?

Mario: We'll just tell Pennington that they didn't have anything interesting to say.

Ms. Mowz: Works for me.

They go back to Cabin 6.

Pennington: So how did the case with the Bob-ombs work out?

Mario: They didn't seem to know anything.

Pennington: Typical. Well it's time to call it a night!

Mario and Ms. Mowz go back to their cabin.

Mario: Tomorrow's going to be another great day!

Ms. Mowz: Good night, honey!

Mario and Ms. Mowz fall asleep in their bunks until the conductor barges in their cabin.

Conductor: I don't have a blanket!

Mario: Who cares?!

Ms. Mowz: Let us sleep!

Conductor: If you don't help me get my blanket back I'll kick you off of this train!

Mario: Can't beat that logic!

Conductor: Find that stowaway!

Mario and Ms. Mowz go to Cabin 4.

Mario: There's no one in here! This is a perfect place to...

?: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The lights start to flicker on and off.

Mario: Ms. Mowz, stop playing with the light switch!

Ms. Mowz: I'm not doing this!

A ghost appears.

Ghost: Boo!

Mario: You don't scare me.

Ghost: Dang!

Ms. Mowz: Can we have one of your blankets?

Ghost: Sure! You can have my extra blanket labled "Property of Conductor DO NOT TOUCH!" I don't need it anyway.

Mario: You're an idiot.

Ghost: What are you doing here?

Mario takes the blanket, gives it to the conductor, and slumps back into the bottom bunk.

Mario: Time to get some well earned sleep.

By the time they fall asleep the sun has risen.

Mario: Dang it!

He jumps out of his bunk but also hits the bottom of Ms. Mowz's bunk, which makes her crash through the ceiling.

Ms. Mowz: I hate you.

Don't press your luck.

Mario: Get her down.

Ms. Mowz falls out of the ceiling and onto the ground.

Ms. Mowz: Let's go get some breakfast.

Mario: Okay. I didn't have any food last night.

They go to the dining car and sit down at a table.

Waitress: How may I help you?

Mario: Pancakes.

Waitress: Okay.

Ms. Mowz: Now it's time to rela-


Chef Shimi: WHAT?



Waitress: PANCAKES!


Ms. Mowz: Never mind.

The waitress gives them their pancakes.

Mario: No syrup?

Waitress: Sorry. We just ran out. But Ratooie has some Nitro Syrup. I heard it's so good it can even restore the dead!

Ms. Mowz: Where's his cabin?

Waitress: How am I supposed to know?

Mario: Aren't you an employee?

Waitress: Your point?

Mario: ...

Ms. Mowz: Maybe Pennington knows where Ratooie's room is.

They go to Pennington's cabin.

Pennington: Luigi! You got here just in time!

Ratooie: Yeah, my suitcase got stolen.

Mario: So?

Ratooie: I keep my Nitro Syrup in it!

Mario: That's horrible!

Pennington: Go to Cabin 1!

Ms. Mowz: Why do you want us to go there?

Pennington: Because!

Ms. Mowz: That's not an answer.

Pennington: Silence!

Ms. Mowz: Whatever.

They go to Cabin 1 and spot a paper on the ground.

Mario: I wonder what this is?

He picks up the paper and goes back to Cabin 6.

Mario: Hey Pennington! Look at what I found!

Mario gives Pennington the piece of paper.

Pennington: I see...

Mario: What is it?

Pennington: I have no clue.

Mario: ...

Ratooie: I know what that is! It's my contract!

Pennington: Go to your room, Mister!

Mario: But...

Pennington: No buts! Go now!

Ms. Mowz: You're weird.

They go to their cabin and find another piece of paper on the floor.

Mario: This is getting annoying.

?: *snicker! snicker!*

Mario goes over to the seat, tosses it out of the way, and finds Zip Toad slumped against the wall.

Zip Toad: You'll never catch me alive, coppers!

Zip Toad takes one step and Mario grabs him by his shirt collar.

Zip Toad: Oh shoot.

They drag Zip Toad to Cabin 6.

Pennington: Well done, Luigi!

Ratooie: Can I have my suitcase now?

Mario: Yes.

Mario gives Ratooie his suitcase and the waitress along with Toodles barge into the room.

Waitress: Thank you for finding my earrings!

Toodles: Thank you for finding my necklace!

Mario: I didn't find any of that stuff!

Waitress: Dang!

Toodles: Let's beat up the fat guy!

Waitress: Okay!

They run out of the cabin and to the fat Toad's cabin.

Speaker: We have now made our scheduled stop at Riverside Station!

Everyone goes out of the train.

Zip Toad: That's it! I'm tired of pretending to be this dumb moviestar!

Purple mist surrounds Zip Toad and when the mist clears Doopliss is in his place.

Mario: Doopliss!

Doopliss: That's right, Slick!

Mario starts to run towards Doopliss but Doopliss jumps into the air and lands right next to a switch.

Doopliss: Well I'll be!

Doopliss transforms into Shadow Mario.

Mario: Oh no!

Mario leaps into the air towards Shadow Mario but he pulls the switch, which makes the bridge go up.

Shadow Mario: Ha! Ha! Ha! You can't go to Poshley Heights now!

Ms. Mowz: But you can't either.

Shadow Mario: Yes I can!

He transforms into an Albatoss and flies over the bridge.

Doopliss: So long, suckers!

Mario: Noooooooooooooooooo!

Ms. Mowz: Can't we just flip the switch to make the bridge go back down?

Mario: I never thought of that.

Mario flips the switch and the bridge goes back down.

Conductor: You did it, Mario!

Everyone goes back into the Excess Express, and the Excess Express goes back across the tracks.

Mario: Let's go to bed!

Mario locks the door and goes into his bunk.

Ms. Mowz: I'm getting tired myself.

Ms. Mowz hops into her bunk.

Smorg: Smorg! Smorg!

The next day Mario and Ms. Mowz go to the engineer's room.

Engineer: We're almost at Poshley Heights!

A Smorg hops onto the window.

Engineer: What in the world is that?!

More Smorgs hop onto the window.

Engineer: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mario smashes the window with his hammer and jumps onto the top of the train.

Ms. Mowz: I think I'll stay here.

Smorgs start crawling in through the broken window.

Ms. Mowz: Wait for me!

Ms. Mowz jumps onto the top of the train.

Smorg: Smorg! Smorg!

All of the Smorgs assemble and form into one giant Smorg.

Smorg: Smorg!

Mario: Is that all you can say?

Smorg: No.

Ms. Mowz: Die, you ugly black thing!

Smorg grabs Ms. Mowz and tosses her off of the train.

Mario: We're just about to stop!

Smorg: What?!

The train stops, making Smorg fall off and split into a bunch of Smorgs again.

Mario: Eat that, Smorg!

The Smorgs crawl under the train, reassemble, and toss the train away.

Mario: Shoot!

Mario jumps off of the train.

Mario: Is that all you got?

Smorg: No! Now you're just about to see your life flash before your eyes!

Smorg lifts his foot and is just about to squish Mario when the Bob-omb family comes along.

Goldbob: YOU!

Sylvia: We're gonna blow you off the face of Plit!

Bub: Yeah, what they said!

They charge towards Mario and he jumps over them, making them crash into Smorg.

Smorg: Ha! Nothing happened!

Smorg blows up.

Mario: Yes! He's defeated! But I wonder where Ms. Mowz is?

Ms. Mowz starts limping towards Mario.

Ms. Mowz: Did you call me?

Mario: No.

Ms. Mowz: Oh yeah. Where's Poshley Sanctum?

Pennington: I know where it is.

Mario: Where is it?

Pennington: It's right in front of you.

They look up and see Poshley Sanctum in front of them.

Mario: That was easy!

They go to the door but see that it's locked.

Mario: Oh no! It's locked!

Pennington: Never fear! Pennington's here!

Pennington gets out a key and unlocks the door.

Mario: How did you get that key?

Pennington: I'm the manager!

Ms. Mowz: Really?

Pennington: No. I just found the key on the ground somewhere.

Mario: Go figure.

Mario and Ms. Mowz go towards the Crystal Star.

Mario: We're almost there!

When they almost grab the Crystal Star, Doopliss comes out of nowhere and grabs it.

Doopliss: I've got it! Beldam will be so pleased!

Mario: You're not gonna get away with this!

Doopliss: Nyah! Nyah!

He sticks his tongue out so far that he licks Mario's face.

Mario: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! That's gross!

While Mario is distracted Doopliss jumps out of the window.

Ms. Mowz: He got away!

Pennington: Don't worry! That was a fake Crystal Star! The real one is in that painting!

Mario and Ms. Mowz jump into the painting, go inside the Sanctum, and grab the real Crystal Star.

Mario and Ms. Mowz got the Crystal Star! Now it's time to talk to Pennington!

Mario and Ms. Mowz jump out of the painting and walk over to Pennington.

Pennington: I am an Oscar Mayer weiner!

Mario: That was a waste of time!

At the X-Naut Base...

Grodus: You got a fake Crystal Star?!

Doopliss: It was an honest mistake! It looked just like the real thing!

Beldam: Shut up, Freak-Sheet!

Marilyn: Guh!

Doopliss: My name's not Freak-Sheet!

Grodus: Silence! It's Crump's turn now, so wait until he fails!

In TEC's room...

Peach: What is it now, TEC?

TEC: They're going to sacrifice you to a...

Grodus: Ah ha!

TEC: Grodus!

Grodus: TEC! I don't believe it! You've betrayed me!

Peach: Go away, dome head!

Grodus: Oooooooooooo. That hurt. Lackies! Shut down this traitor!

X-Naut #1: There's no way to turn it off, dude.

Grodus: Tear out the main harddrive!

X-Naut #2: We can't do that either.

Grodus: Destroy it!

X-Nauts: Okay!

They get out explosive chemicals and blow TEC up.

Peach: TEC!

Grodus: You're coming with me!

Grodus and his lackies grab Peach and carry her out of the X-Naut base.

At Rogueport...

Bowser: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I hate waiting for results!

Luigi walks past Bowser.

Bowser: Luigi!

Luigi: Bowser!

Luigi beats Bowser up and sends him crashing through the ground into an underground passage.

Bowser: Cool! An underground passage!

Bowser walks up a seemingly endless amount of stairs and goes through the door.

Rawk Hawk: Agggggghhhhhhhhhh! How did you find my secret workout room?

Bowser: I was lucky.

Rawk Hawk: Fear the Rawwwwwwwwwwk!

Bowser torches Rawk Hawk with his flamebreath and grabs the Crystal Star from his belt.

Bowser: Finally!

Bowser accidentally trips and the Crystal Star shatters on the ground.

Bowser: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Where's the real Crystal Star?!

Rawk Hawk: The Great Gonzales has it!

Bowser: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I'm going to kill you!

Rawk Hawk screams like a little girl as Bowser leaps into the air, tackles Rawk Hawk, and starts beating him up.

Read on!

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