Maguskoopa: And from that wildly unreliable author whom you have all come to know and love, it’s…
ONCE AND FOR ALL!
Maguskoopa: Now then, let’s look at the answers from last chapter. The answer to the first question was C, Burritos, and the winner is…
MARAYO!
Maguskoopa: And, the answers to the second question were either Daroach or Sly Cooper. The winner of that question is…
CRAZY YOSHI!
Maguskoopa: And today, we have a very special episode.
Larry: Do we have to build an orphanage?
Maguskoopa: Er, no. You have to participate in…
ONCE AND FOR ALL’S FIRST ANNUAL CALAVERAS COUNTY TRI-STATE REGIONAL TALENT SHOW!
Maguskoopa: Most of the title makes it flashier. You must perform in a talent show, then the audience will rate you on the Cheer-O-Meter (out of 100). The team with the most applause wins! You have two days to practice. Get going!
One hour later…
TEAM IGGY
Iggy: Hmm… Card tricks?
Madame Clairvoya: I think Team Larry’s doing that.
Iggy: Disappearing act?
Duplighost: Too cliché.
Iggy: Hamster-powered death ray?
Manta Storm: …
Iggy: Oh, right, I forgot about Team Ludwig.
Madame Clairvoya: Why not just come up with something later?
Iggy; It’s just crazy enough to work.
TEAM MORTON
Morton: Arghicantthinkofanythingexceptforthrowingmoneyatpeopleand
wedonthaveanymoneycanyouthinkofanythingorhaveanymoneypokey?
Pokey: No.
Mr. Luggs: Wait a minute! I just came up with an idea!
Morton: Isitahamsterpowereddeathray–
KA-SOCK!
Morton: Mpht.
Tutankoopa: Team Ludwig, you moron.
Mr. Luggs: No, my idea’s much better than some silly hamster-powered death ray. Here it is…
Mr. Luggs whispers something into Team Morton’s ears.
Tutankoopa: WOAH! That’s an amazing idea!
TEAM ROY
Iron Cleft: How about a huge, spectacular show, involving penguins, chihuahuas, nitroglycerin, and hamster-powered death rays?
Roy: Okay, I’ve had it.
SNATCH!
Maguskoopa: Ack!
Roy: STOP… WITH… THE… HAMSTER… DEATH RAYS… NOW!!!
Maguskoopa: Okay, okay!
Rawk Hawk: I have a RAWWWWWWWWKIN’ idea! How about we make fun of someone annoying!
Roy: That’s the stupidest… idea that just might work. Now then, who to parody?
Team Roy looks through many books and watches much TV, trying to find the perfect idiot to make fun of onstage. Eventually, at daybreak on the day of the performance…
Biff: AHA! Come look at what’s on TV right now!
Team Roy looks.
Iron Cleft: WOAH! Awesome!
Roy: Yes! That’s the perfect person! Let’s start practicing!
TEAM LEMMY
Lemmy: This should be easy! Let me just look flex my webmastery muscle to find some tourist with an idea…
Dark Ukiki 29382: HOW ABOUTS A COMPETITION CALED ONCE AND FOR AL LOLZZZZZZZZ–
KA-BAN!
Lemmy: Let’s try someone else.
Ninja222: LOLZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!1111onetwo
(I apologize for any ninjas defamed in the making of such a statement. Especially you, Z.)
Lemmy: I’m surrounded by idiots. In that case, let’s turn to my whoppingly huge library of games to see anything I could do… Woah! I forgot all about this game! Glurp, Sir Weston! Get a big-screen TV!
Glurp: Glurp.
Sir Weston: Yessir!
Lemmy: Crystal King, get me some props.
Crystal King: On it.
Lemmy: This is going to be the best act ever!
TEAM LUDWIG
Ludwig: I have an idea!
…
Ludwig: That DOESN’T have to do with hamster-powered death rays. Let’s just make a Rube Goldberg machine!
Dr. Shroob: Ah, yes. I remember that we had those back on Shroobus, except that they were usually made to keep the stupid people busy while we conquered the galaxy.
Ludwig: … It makes one think… In any case, Rube Goldberg machines always need to have some kind of purpose, but the question is… what?
TEAM WENDY
Wendy: Hmm… What to do, what to do…
Starkiss: How about a rockin’ karaoke session?
WHACK!
Hermie III: I HAVE THPLEEN!
…
Hermie III: What? Thpleen ith a thynonim to fury.
Miss Petunia: Say, you seem to be good with words, Hermie.
Hermie III: Yeth… I love Englith.
Miss Petunia: How about a poem?
Hermie III: YETH! GOOD IDEA!
Wendy: That’s great! But maybe I should read it.
Hermie III: Thertainly not! By thathafrath, only the ethayitht of the poem can thuperbly re–
Wendy: OKAY! OKAY! Just stop with the slur!
TEAM IGGY
Maguskoopa: That, good sir, is a secret. Trust me, it’s worth the wait.
TEAM LARRY
Jarvis: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?! YOU HAVEN’T COME UP WITH ANY IDEAS!
Larry: That’s okay. After Roy demolished Iggy’s kitchen last event, I came up with an idea… sabotage!
Sunnycide: HOW THAT HELP US?
Larry: Hear me out. If we’re the only ones who can perform…
Jarvis: Then… we win by default! Brilliant!
Crazee Dayzee: No way, man. That’s not groovy at all. I’m sitting right here until–
Larry: That’s the thing. We need a backup act just in case. Practice your singing voice here and make sure nobody sabotages us.
Crazee Dayzee: Will do, man.
That night…
Ludwig: Okay! That’s the machine completed!
Dr. Shroob: I’ll stay here and guard the machine.
Ludwig, Fawful, and Melody leave. Half an hour later…
Larry: Psssst! Someone’s still there!
Jarvis: The door’s locked, too.
Larry: That’s no problem. RAM ‘EM!
KRESH!
Dr. Shroob: WHA?!
Sunnycide: RAWWRRRR! SUNNYCIDE KNOCK YOU OUT!!!
…
Sunnycide: American dub.
Dr. Shroob: The time for explanations is over! Prepare to be disintegrated!
Dr. Shroob shoots a ray at Sunnycide, blasting him into another room.
Roy: HEY!
Roy slams Sunnycide out the building. Did I mention they were in a building? Yeah, they were.
Dr. Shroob: Next up, you, Larry! FIRE!
Dr. Shroob shoots ray after ray at Larry, every one missing.
Larry: Whoop! Wah! Woah!
Dr. Shroob: STAY STILL SO I CAN EVISCERATE YOU!!
Jarvis: How come he doesn’t have to be dubbed?
Dr. Shroob: Keep in mind I normally speak Shroob.
Jarvis: Ah, right.
Dr. Shroob: ARGHHHH! DIE, LARRY!
FZOW!
Larry: Yoink!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAMMO!!! The beam misses Larry but destroys the Rube Goldberg machine, which Larry was standing in front of.
Dr. Shroob: NO!
Larry: Run!
Jarvis disappears into his jar. Larry summons a bunch of Nippers, which carry Sunnycide out of the room. Larry then runs away. While all this happens, Dr. Shroob is sitting there with a weird look on his face.
Back at the hotel… (They stay in a hotel next to the building. Did I forget to mention that, too?)
Sunncide: WE SMASH THINGY!
Jarvis: But… but… we only incapacitated one Koopaling! What about the other five?
Larry: Well, Ludwig was our main opponent. Lemmy and Roy could easily beat me up, Wendy is probably doing a singing act, Iggy… I have no idea. But in any case, I’m staying away from his black magic. And Morton! He’s placed low in every single round until now. There’s no possible way he could win.
Jarvis: Wow, that was quite in-depth.
Larry: Thank you. Incidentally, where’s Crazee Dayzee?
Sunnycide: BAD MAN STEAL FLOWER THING!
Larry: WHAT?!
Sunnycide: THERE FOOTPRINTS!
Sunnycide points to a trail of footprints leading out the 7th story window.
Larry: Uh oh. We were duped.
TEAM LEMMY
Crazee Dayzee is bound to a chair and gagged with a sock.
Crazee Dayzee: MPH! MPH MPH! MPH!!
Lemmy: Well, there goes Larry’s act.
Glurp: Glurp, glurrrp glurp glurp.
Sir Weston: I wholeheartedly agree. We should check up on Crystal Ki–
A puddle of water slides into the room.
Lemmy: Um… What happened?
Puddle: Somebody burst in with a flamethrower and torched the entire set.
Lemmy: Oh no. Here, let me fix you up.
Lemmy takes out his Freeze Gun and blasts the puddle. It forms into Crystal King.
Crystal King: It looks like we’ll need to improvise the sets.
Lemmy: Well, that’s just great. Who could we have been duped by?
Crystal King: They came at me from the side, I didn’t see them.
TEAM ROY
Roy props his flamethrower along the wall and collapses onto the floor.
Roy: Man, torching stuff is a real rush.
Rawk Hawk: That was RAWWWWWWWWWKIN’ awesome! And the best part is, Lemmy’ll blame Morton for that!
Iron Cleft: It’s not like Team Morton needs any more help to lose, though.
The whole team has a hearty laugh, but then…
Biff: Wait a minute… Do you hear something?
SLAM! Click!
Roy: AGH! SOMEONE BARRED THE DOOR!
Iron Cleft: And we’re three stories up!
TEAM MORTON
Morton: I’m VERY ANGRY!
Tutankoopa: Uh oh… What happened to your voice?
Morton: I am sick and tired of being treated like a punching bag in this tournament! I’ll show those morons and come out on top! And if I have to personally incapacitate every one of the other teams to do that, so be it!
Pokey: Okay.
Morton: Now, let’s get some sleep. Luggs’s act is all planned out.
Luggs: Okay, just let me go over to the supply shop and get more tires.
Morton: All right.
TEAM IGGY
Iggy: Are you almost done?
Duplighost: Oh, I was done a while ago. Here’s the sheet music.
Iggy: Hmmmm… This is out of my range. Give it to Clairvoya.
Duplighost: Okay, how about this one?
Iggy: Yeah, that’s perfect. Let’s practice a bit.
Team Iggy practices for a while. Day breaks.
SMASH!
Iggy: Oops, better patch up the sun.
A few minutes later…
Madame Clairvoya: Hmm… Inly a few hours till the performance. Let’s eat breakfast and get into costume.
Manta Storm: …
Iggy: Don’t feel left out. You were the one who came up with this great idea in the first place!
TEAM LARRY
Larry: Oh no, oh no, oh no! Where’s Dayzee?
TEAM LEMMY
Crazee Dayzee: MPH! MPH! MPH! MPH!
Lemmy: The sets are ready! Let’s get rid of Dayzee!
Crazee Dayzee: MPHHHHHHH!!
Glurp crams Dayzee into a cannon and fires. Dayzee travels for around five city blocks before smashing into a billboard. (Did I forget to mention they were in a city? Dang, I’m forgetful.)
Lemmy: It’s the best we could do. RUN!
TEAM LUDWIG
Ludwig: NO!!! How could you?!
Dr. Shroob: For the last time, I was ambushed by Larry!
Ludwig: Ugh, at least we still have Melody. Let’s go.
TEAM ROY
SMASH! Iron Cleft is chucked through the door, smashing it open. Team Roy stampedes out.
Roy: I’m gonna KILL whoever did that!
TEAM IGGY
Iggy: We’re ready now. Let’s go!
TEAM WENDY
Team Wendy wakes up.
Starkiss: Unh… What day is it?
Miss Petunia: Quick! Grab the poem and let’s skedaddle!
Hermie III: Thoundth good to me.
At the performance hall…
Maguskoopa: Great! Everyone’s here… Where’s Dayzee?
Half a mile away…
Crazee Dayzee: Peace out, man.
Toad: Duuuuuude.
Crazee Dayzee: …KILL!
Toad: AUUUUUGHHH!!!
Back with Magus…
Maguskoopa: Oh, well, we’re going in descending order of age anyways. Ludwig, you’re up.
Melody: Thank you. This sonata is entitled Ho ottenuto un sistema della generazione seguente e un estremamente felici in B major.
Melody starts playing, but…
Random Audience Member: Hey, isn’t that just the Wii menu theme song?
Audience: BOOO! BOOOO!
Melody: Why, thank you.
Ludwig: *whap*
AUDIENCE: 27/100
Maguskoopa: Next up is Team Lemmy!
Lemmy: Thank you. We’re going to do Super Mario Sunshine… live-action.
Maguskoopa: This should be interesting…
And it would have been interesting… save for the fact that all the props are made out of cardboard, and Lemmy’s armed with a fire hose.
Five minutes later…
Maguskoopa: Yech. You get 30 out of 100. I don’t care what the audience thinks.
Team Roy steps up…
Roy: Hi. For this act, I shall make fun of a very famous person.
Roy starts speaking in a squeaky voice.
Roy: Hi, I’m Yoshi! I’m insanely popular! People make bad fan characters out of me!
Cree-kee… Cree-kee…
Roy: Uh…
Lemmy: HOW DARE YOU?! Yoshi is awesome!
FZOW! FZOW! FZOW!
Roy: AUUUGH! RUN!
Roy runs around the building, Lemmy chasing after him shooting ice rays.
Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
SCORE: 75/100
Roy: Ugh…
Maguskoopa: Next, we have Team Iggy.
Iggy: Thank you. We shall be performing a wonderful opera scene.
Team Iggy performs beautifully.
Flavio: … *sniff…* Flavio is moved…
However, since the rest of the audience doesn’t care particularly about opera…
SCORE: 50/100
Iggy: Ah, darn. I thought I’d get more.
Maguskoopa: Coming up, Team Wendy.
Wendy: Thank you! Thank you! Hold the applause, please. In fact, my colleague, Hermie III, shall be performing a poem.
Hermie III: Thank you all. My poem ith called “Thummer Thathafrath with Thanta Clauth”.
Hermie III delivers a poem where half the letters are “s”. That is bad.
Audience: Yuch!
SCORE: 15/100
Wendy: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! GET THAT LISP FIXED OR YOU’LL HAVE A MUCH HARDER TIME SPEAKING WITH NO MOUTH!
Hermie III: What’d I do?
Wendy: Errrrrrgh.
Maguskoopa: Well, after the audience gets cleaned up, Team Morton will go on.
Five minutes later…
Morton: Mf. Mff mf mff mf mf mf.
Mr. Luggs: Thank you, Morton. Tutankoopa?
Tutankoopa: Right up!
Tutankoopa summons a pile of scrap metal. Mr. Luggs immediately begins ingesting it.
Maguskoopa: This should be interesting.
As Mr. Luggs swallows a muffler, the audience begins to grow restless.
Audience Member: Is this IT? It’s boring now!
Audience Member 2: Yeah! BOO! BOOO!
Tutankoopa: Hold up, folks. Just one more thing for Mr. Luggs…
Tutankoopa hands three pints of oil to Mr. Luggs, who drinks it. Tutankoopa then reaches his hand into Mr. Luggs’s mouth and…
Mr. Luggs: Ag ag aggah.
…pulls out a working car.
Audience: …
Tutankoopa: It’s a hybrid.
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! AMAZING! THE’YRE GENIUSES!
SCORE: 95/100
Morton: Yesyesyesthiswillbetheonethatwinsyestotallyatlastiwoniwoniwonwooohoooo!
Maguskoopa: Hold up, we still have Team Larr–
Larry runs into the room.
Larry: Our performer disappeared, we forfeit.
Maguskoopa: Um… Okay… But we still need the audience’s reaction.
Audience:…
Larry: Uh, Crazee Dayzee was going to sing…
Audience: …
Larry: And then we were going to steal your money?
Audience: …
Larry: Hey! Aren’t you happy we didn’t?
Audience: Woooo.
SCORE: 10/100
Maguskoopa: Thank you all! Now, let’s see what the scores are…
Team Larry: 10
Team Wendy: 15
Team Ludwig:
27
Team Lemmy: 30
Team Iggy: 50
Team Roy: 75
Team Morton:
95
Maguskoopa: I guess that means… TEAM MORTON WINS!
Morton: YESYESYESSSSSSS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
Tutankoopa: About time.
Mr. Luggs: I don’t feel so good…
Pokey: Yay.
Audience: POKEY! POKEY! POKEY!
Maguskoopa: Thank you all! Just one more fight to go before we determine the winner… ONCE! AND FOR ALL!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
SCORES:
7. Team Larry–1
6. Team Wendy–2
5. Team Ludwig–3
4. Team Lemmy–4
3. Team Iggy–5
2. Team Roy–6
1. Team Morton–7
TOTAL:
Team Larry: 18
points
Team Morton:
19 points
Team Wendy: 23
points
Team Iggy: 33
points
Team Roy: 26
points
Team Lemmy: 26
points
Team Ludwig:
24 points
Maguskoopa: Thank you again. See you next time on… ONCE AND FOR ALL!