Chapter One: Time Travel? Bah! That’s Impossible!
Many years ago in a place, something happened… although it’s not sure HOW many years. It could be twenty… or forty… it all depends on how old Mario is! He’s been an adult for twenty years… so he’s either forty or hasn’t aged beyond whatever age he is… or something. Anyways. this place was the eerie home of an eerie species. They were creepy too! They did not like their home though, as it was purple and they did not like the color purple. So using some bizarre telescope that they recently invented they spied the Mushroom Kingdom. They decided to conquer it because it looked shiny! In the Mushroom Kingdom at the same time, Baby Mario and Baby Luigi are heading up to the castle when a random Toad comes up to them.
Toad: Oh THANK YOU! The princess is in the far end of the castle and SHE WON’T STOP CRYING! Please… play with her before we all go crazy!
Baby Luigi: Goo!
Baby Mario: Alrighty!
They go into the castle, where they see that all the Toads are unconscious. When they get to the room where the princess is they see Baby Bowser light Toadsworth on fire. As Mushrooms burn rather fast it doesn’t take long for his entire Mushroom head thing to be consumed by flames.
Baby Bowser: Ha ha ha! Now I shall kidnap the Princess!
Baby Mario: Goo?
Baby Bowser: ACK! The Mario Brothers!
Baby Luigi jumps up and jumps on Baby Bowser.
Baby Bowser: I have been defeated!
He grabs the princess and tried to run away.
Baby Mario: Eh.
Baby Mario watches him run past him.
Baby Luigi: NO!
Baby Luigi jumps on Baby Bowser again, causing him to drop the princess.
Baby Bowser: Shoot!
Baby Luigi: Bad!
He smacks Baby Mario.
Baby Mario: Ouch!
While all this pointless fighting is going on, several strange, white saucers with what appears to be purple mushrooms on top fly over the castle. Things that look almost like arms holding guns shoot out from the bottom of the UFO’s. (Can they really be called UNidentified Flying Objects considering that everyone KNOWS they’re Shroob saucers? I mean… they’re kind of… identified.) The guns start firing laser blasts at the castle. Everyone inside the castle starts to freak out.
Meanwhile in the present…
Professor E. Gadd had invented a time machine. He admitted he had no clue what he was doing and had merely stapled bits of metal together and glued a shiny star he found. He called it the Cobalt Star. Considering that no one had any idea if this machine would work, they decided that the logical conclusion would be take their most important dignitary (Peach) and two Toads they didn’t even know and shove them in it and turn the thing on. So they did. Toadsworth of course foolishly thought that the untested and shoddily made construct would like… explode or something crazy like that. The Mario Bros. came by as they had nothing better to do, and as soon as they arrive at the castle the time machine comes back, although it appears practically destroyed. The door of the machine opens. Toadsworth runs up to it, babbling with joy, when a clawed, green hand shoots up from the dark entryway and grabs the side of the machine. Startled, he jumps back.
Mario: Mamamia!
Luigi: Great. Some weird monster thing… just what we needed.
Mario jumps up to it when a second hand shot out. It pulls out a rounded, triangular creature with squat legs, stubby arms, and a large mouth. It squeals and then charges at Mario… who sidesteps, causing it to crash into a wall. It falls to the floor facedown.
E. Gadd: A Junior Shrooboid!
Luigi: You know what this is?
E. Gadd: No… it’s wearing a nametag on its back!
Luigi looks at the thing's back and sees that there is a yellow stickynote on the back that says “This is a Junior Shrooboid!”
Luigi: Weird.
Toadsworth: Ack! The princess is in peril!
Luigi: And you know this how?
Toadsworth: I don’t! Quick! In the time machine!
He tries to push Mario and Luigi towards the time machine but it crumbles before they get there.
E. Gadd: Strange… I thought I made it sturdier than that.
Luigi: You don’t even know what you made! It was a pile of junk!
E. Gadd: Wait! Where’s the Cobalt Star?!
Luigi: How would I know?
E. Gadd: Thief! You stole it!
He shakes his tiny fist at Luigi.
Luigi: I’ve been here the whole time! When could I have stolen it?!
Before E. Gadd could answer, a Toad ran up to them.
Toad: There’s a strange, shifty… yellow and orange hole outside!
E. Gadd: It must be a Time Hole!
Luigi: How would you know?!
E. Gadd: I don’t! I’m just making everything up as I go along!
They run to the hole in the castle courtyard. As Luigi and Mario look at it, Toadsworth comes up and pushes both of them in.
Toadsworth: Rescue the princess!
Luigi: Ack!
Mario: Woohoo!
To the Past…
Mario and Luigi pop out of the Hole in the vicinity of a small town named Hollijolli Village, in the past.
Luigi: Well… I guess that was a Time Hole… or maybe a Teleporter…
A small plane flies overhead with a streamer saying “Vote Peach! She may be a baby, but she’s the best princess ever!”
Luigi: Well… that’s true of now… she IS a big baby-
Mario hits him.
Luigi: OW! Fine. We’re in the past.
A suitcase shoots up and out of the Time Hole. It has a face and tiny feet. It walks over to Mario and Luigi.
Stuffwell: Hello!
Luigi: Uh… You’re a talking suitcase.
Stuffwell: Yes! I am Stuffwell, and I was invented by E. Gadd in order to aid you on your quest!
Luigi: You mean he invented you in all of the five seconds we were gone?
Stuffwell: Well… not really. It took at least seven seconds but because of time discrepancies it SEEMED like five.
Luigi: Or whatever you use for a clock is wrong by like two seconds.
Stuffwell: It’s not!
Luigi: Right... Why does E. Gadd think a living suitcase will be able to help us?
Stuffwell: Because I can carry useful items!
Luigi: Like… a suitcase?
Stuffwell: Exactly!
Luigi: Okay… let’s just go back to the present and figure out what’s going on-
The Time Hole fades into nothing.
Luigi: *twitch, twitch* Well… that… is not good…
Mario: Woohoo!
Stuffwell: Mario’s right! Back to Adventure!
Stuffwell shrinks and goes inside Luigi’s pocket.
Luigi: Wha?! Great. I have freaky, talking suitcase in my pocket!
Mario and Luigi go to the right, until they reach a series of platforms. Stuffwell pops out.
Stuffwell: Let me teach you how to jump!
Luigi: We know how to jump.
Stuffwell: No, you don’t! I shall teach you!
Mario: OH NOOOO!
Luigi: Even Mario agrees. We don’t need to learn how to jump.
Stuffwell: Fine! But when you trip over yourselves, don’t come crying to me!
He disappears again.
Luigi: Lunatic.
Mario and Luigi skillfully jump up several platforms. Soon they come to a few small gaps that, with the aid of either a short hop or a long step, could be crossed over. They’re preparing to do so when Stuffwell comes back out.
Stuffwell: Let me teach you how to jump over gaps!
Luigi: Isn’t this like exactly the same as regular jumping?
Stuffwell: NO! Let me teach you.
Luigi: Look you idiot, we know how to jump.
Stuffwell: Yes? Well… then prove it!
Luigi: Fine.
He walks towards the edge and prepares to jump. Just before he does Stuffwell comes from behind and shoves him, causing him to fall into the five foot trench… thing.
Luigi: Ugh!
Stuffwell: Told you!
Luigi runs back up and stands over the suitcase.
Luigi: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Stuffwell: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Luigi: Either cut it out or I will STUFF you WELL!
Stuffwell: What?
Luigi: I will cause you serious discomfort!
Stuffwell: I don’t understand.
Mario: Woohoo!
Stuffwell: AAAAHHHH!
He disappears again.
Luigi: I don’t know why that works.
Mario: YAY!
Luigi: Right… Let’s just keep going…
Mario and Luigi quickly jump through everything until they reach a large section of flat ground. They step onto it when a Toad falls from the sky. Mario and Luigi jump out of the way before he hits the ground.
Toad: OW! You jerks!
Luigi: What?
Toad: You could have at least let me land on your head!
Luigi: Right…
Toad: Well come on! Help!
Luigi: Help what?
Toad: Hollijolli Village is being attacked by evil alien people!
Luigi: Yes… I guess that would be bad…
Suddenly a bright light envelops the Toad and he is dragged up into one of the Shroob saucers, which is far too small to hold him. The Shroob inside cackles and then flies off, completely ignoring Mario and Luigi.
Luigi: Right… that was abnormal.
Stuffwell pops up.
Stuffwell: Quickly! We must save Hollijolli Village!
Mario: Okeydokey!
Luigi: How exactly are we going to save a village from aliens in FLYING saucers with HI-TECH weaponry?!
Stuffwell: Uh… excellent jumping?
He quickly disappears again.
Luigi: Stupid suitcase.
The Bros. continue to their right until they get to a large group of giant Nushrooms attached by… stairs. That’s just WEIRD! They head up the Mushrooms, until they are confronted by small, purple, Goomba-shaped creatures. Stuffwell pops up.
Stuffwell: These are the dangerous Shrooblets!
One waddles over and trips over Luigi’s foot. It immediately dies.
Luigi: They look like really weak Goombas.
At the sound of his intimidating voice all the Shrooblets jump off the edge of the Mushrooms and die.
Stuffwell: Uh… Do you want to learn how to fight?
Luigi: Fight what?! They’re all dead!
Stuffwell: Ah! Then my lessons HAVE helped you! HA!
He disappears.
Luigi: Idiot.
Mario and Luigi run up the stairs until they reach the badly battered Hollijolli Village. It was a Christmasy place with snow and green and red lights. The various houses are in ruins and the few Toads are scooped up by Shroobs. After gathering all the Toads (which wasn’t hard as they stayed bunched up in a small group) the Shroobs cackle and fly away.
Luigi: Wow… this place is pretty beaten up. If we’re in the past, and the Shroobs are this dangerous, how come we never heard about them before? Plus why have I never heard of this village?
Mario: Whee!
Luigi: Right…
They walk around the town a bit, checking for survivors, when they come across a large house that’s not as destroyed as the others. They enter it. At the far end is a large chimney, and visible near the top is the bottom end of a fat Toad. Luigi runs over to him.
Luigi: What exactly are you doing in there?
Mayor: Uh… I’m hiding…
Mario: Okeydokey!
Mario runs over and jumps into the mayor from underneath. The Santa-like Toad flies out of the chimney and lands in front of his house… right into the waiting arms of some Shroobs!
Mayor: AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Luigi: Great. Why’d you do that, Mario?!
Mario: It’s-a me-a, Mario!
Luigi: Whatever.
They run out of the house just in time to see a Shroob Saucer scoop up the mayor and fly away.
Luigi: Crud! Now what do we do?!
As he’s pondering his situation three Shroobs walk over.
Shroob 1: @&#(&@$(!#*!
Luigi: What?!
Shroob 2: (^*^&%%$^&!
Shroob 2 pulls out a remote and spouts unintelligible gibberish into it. A Shroob Saucer floats down with a counter on it. It begins counting down.
Luigi: I don’t like the look of that…
Mario and Luigi run over to the Shroobs. The Saucer flies over them.
Shroob 3: #^@T&$*@T$729?!
The Shroobs try to push the Bros. away. The Bros. push back. The counter counts down to zero… and the Saucer shoots down a humongous purple blast. It hits all five fighters and completely smacks them all down. The Shroob in the saucer looks down and sees he’s creamed his buddies, yelps, and hurriedly flies away.
Meanwhile on Baby Bowser’s ship…
After the castle was attacked by the Shroobs, Baby Bowser called down his Koopa Kruiser. Toadsworth, somehow completely healed, Baby Peach, Baby Mario, Baby Luigi, and of course Baby Bowser all boarded it and took off. They were conveniently flying over Hollijolli Village, when one of Baby Bowser’s Koopas conveniently noticed unconscious Mario and Luigi.
Koopa: Uh… Mr. Baby Boss… there’s some weird guys down there…
Baby Bowser: Wha?! Let me see!
He jumps over and looks in the viewing screen. He sees an unconscious Mario and Luigi and some practically dust Shroobs.
Baby Bowser: Uh… well… maybe we should pick them up or something…
However his response does not sit well with Peach.
Baby Peach: Wa…WA…WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Toadsworth: Ah! The princess doesn’t like that! She wants you to go and rescue those poor fellows!
Baby Mario: Eh?
Baby Bowser: But… uh… that’s what I said…
Baby Peach: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Baby Bowser: ACK! Set down! Set down!
Koopa 2: Yes Master!
The Kruiser sets down in a convenient open meadow just outside the ruined town.
Baby Bowser: All right… I’m feeling lazy, so Mario and Luigi, head out there!
Baby Mario: No!
Baby Luigi: Okeydokey!
Baby Luigi grabs Baby Mario and drags him out of the Kruiser. They head for the unconscious older Mario Bros. Upon reaching them Baby Luigi decides to jump on their heads a few times, but they don’t react. Suddenly two of the Shroobs stand up and shake their heads. The Babies jump back as the Shroobs see them. Suddenly Toadsworth runs up.
Toadsworth: Here, have a Koopa Shell!
He throws Green Koopa Shell at Baby Mario.
Baby Mario: Wha?
Toadsworth: It will help you defeat them!
A Shelless Koopa runs up, screaming about his stolen shell.
Baby Mario: Eek!
He throws the shell at the Shroobs. They catch it, and then look at the Koopa.
Shroob: @%*^@Y*@#@^&*$^*@$^$@&^*&&#(86966^(^#&??
Shelless Koopa: DIE!
He chases them away.
Toadsworth: Yes! I’m so helpful!
Baby Mario: No!
Toadsworth: I didn’t ask you!
The slightly more aged Mario and Luigi begin to stir.
Toadsworth: Well let’s take these guys back to the ship! Strange though… they look kind of familiar…
Back at the Kruiser (which has taken off and is headed for Baby Bowser’s Castle)…
The Mario Bros. have awakened and are quite surprised to see their younger counterparts.
Luigi: Ack! It’s a mini-me!
Baby Luigi: Whee!
Baby Luigi excitedly jumps up and down.
Mario: Okeydokey!
Baby Mario: No!
Baby Mario turns away.
Baby Bowser: Uh… Who are you guys?
Luigi: Well… we’re Mario and Luigi… from the future!
Toadsworth: Oh. Okay.
Luigi: Don’t you find that… strange?
Baby Bowser: Not really. Well… let’s head for my castle and we can figure out what to do.
Luigi: Well… what exactly is going on here?
Toadsworth: I think the mysterious race of Shroobs, that I’ve never seen before and I have no logical reason for why I know their name, has come to conquer the Kingdom. Because they feel like it.
Luigi: Wow… that was a whole bunch of nonsense…
A Koopa looks up, startled.
Koopa: Master Bowser!
Baby Bowser: What is it?
Koopa: We’re receiving a transmission!
Baby Bowser: What’s that?
Everyone else: ….
Koopa: Uh… it’s a message… it’s from the Shroobs…
Baby Bowser: Oh! I uh… knew that…
Koopa: Do you want me to put it on?
Baby Bowser: Of course!
Koopa: All right.
He hits a button. Everyone stares at the screen in front of the Koopa. One of the walls lights up with the image of a tall, purple Shroob with a crown in a royal robe. Everyone continues to stare at the Koopa’s screen.
Koopa: Uh… the message is on the wall…
They all whirl around to see an impatient Princess Shroob.
Baby Bowser: Of course it is! I was just testing you… and you passed!
Koopa: You have no clue how this Kruiser works, do you?
Baby Bowser: Shut up. You’re fired.
Koopa: Fine!
The Koopa hits a switch, and falls through a hole in the floor that appears.
Koopa: I hated you anyways!
Princess Shroob suddenly begins talking and gesticulating wildly.
Princess Shroob: &^T@**#@5@A(%%(*^(%((%!
Toadsworth: What?
Princess Shroob: %&$#%$&@$%&@%$%*@*!!!)!(*$*!
Baby Bowser: What is she saying?
Princess Shroobs seems to be getting very upset and starts screaming.
Princess Shroob: %&$@*$@*$^@$^%(@^^$(@^$(^$(^@*$*^@*%!!!
Luigi: We can’t understand you, as you speak a DIFFERENT language. Duh.
Princess Shroob suddenly cuts off the transmission.
Luigi: Do you think she’s mad?
Koopa 2: Bowser! There are two missiles heading right for us!
Luigi: I’ll take that as a yes.
Baby Bowser: Well… uh… activate the missile… thingy.
Koopa 2: We’re all out of ammunition!
Baby Bowser: Is that bad?
Mario: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The missiles connect and send the Kruiser spiraling down. Fortunately it was by Baby Bowser’s Castle, so it lands there. Mario and Luigi manage to crawl out of the wreckage, but somehow during the fall they got separated from the others. Stuffwell jumps out.
Stuffwell: You must find the others!
Luigi: Why?
Stuffwell: Uh… because… uh… It’s a good idea?
Luigi: Fine. But your reasons stink.
Stuffwell: Shut up.
Stuffwell disappears. Mario and Luigi begin wandering around the castle. They encounter Goombas, Boos, and a strange new Shy Guy with a cannon strapped to its head called a Boom Guy. Why they have never been seen before… well this IS the past and probably having a cannon strapped to your head isn’t good for your health. So… they most likely have suffered from serious neck problems. After continuing through the castle Luigi suffers from the strange ailment of a small baby falling on his head.
Baby Luigi: YAY!
Luigi: Ow! Stupid baby me!
Mario: Whee!
After rubbing his head, Luigi looks up to see Baby Mario being slightly hesitant about falling twenty feet from the ceiling for some reason. He is holding on to some chains. How he got there… we may never know. Mario holds his arms out and shouted “BABIES” a few times. Eventually Baby Mario uses his hands to cover his ears, which causes him to fall into Mario’s arms.
Baby Mario: Whee?
Mario: YAY!
Stuffwell pops up.
Stuffwell: Now, even though these babies are perfectly capable of walking on their own…why do we call them babies? Doesn’t the ability to walk make them toddlers? I mean really-
Luigi: Just get on to what you were saying.
Stuffwell: Oh right! You must carry them piggyback!
Luigi: Doesn’t sound so bad.
Stuffwell: Great! Now Baby Mario gets on Mario and Baby Luigi on Luigi!
Luigi: All right.
The babies climb on their respective elder counterparts and sit on their shoulders. Baby Luigi immediately starts trying to eat Luigi’s hair, while Baby Mario falls asleep.
Luigi: HEY! Ow!
Stuffwell: Now continue!
Luigi: Can’t we switch?
Stuffwell: NO!
He disappears. After grumbling a bit Luigi starts walking with Mario. He has to continually bat away Baby Luigi’s mouth though. After a bit of traveling they reach a large pool of lava. Floating on his broom over it is Kamek!
Kamek: You can not continue! Master Bowser is recovering from the wounds he suffered from poor piloting!
Luigi: We just want to leave.
Kamek: Oh. Okay.
Baby Luigi: PEACH!
Luigi: AAAAAHHHH! My ear!
Kamek: WHAT?! You want Peach?! NEVER! ATTACK!
He summons a Goomba out of nowhere. Unfortunately the poor thing is over lava. It fall and dies a horrible, screamy death.
Kamek: Your skills are impressive… I run away!
He dashes away. After shaking their heads the multiple Mario Bros. continue through the castle. Eventually they come to a large, locked door. After contemplating a bit, Mario throws the sleeping Baby Mario up and over it. He hits the ground hard.
Baby Mario: OW!
Luigi: Hmm… good idea.
Luigi does the same thing… but not before being kicked in the face by his baby version. On the other side Baby Luigi grabs Baby Mario and tosses him at a floating treasure chest. The door opens and a shiny shard of something pops out. The older Mario Bros. walk in and Mario grabs the shard… whatever it is. Stuffwell appears.
Stuffwell: Excellent! That shard is shiny… so it must be important!
Luigi: Shut up.
Stuffwell: Excellent argument you make!
He disappears. After pocketing the Shard and getting their baby versions on their backs again they continue. A short time later they reach Baby Bowser’s bedroom. For some reason, even though Baby Bowser isn’t in there, Baby Peach and Youthful Toadsworth are, as well as a glowing time portal.
Youthful Toadsworth: Excellent! Maybe YOU can help us get out of here!
Luigi: Well… you could go in the-
Mario grabs Youthful
Toadsworth and Baby Peach and throws them in the Time Hole. He and Baby
Mario then follow. Luigi shrugs and then he and Baby Luigi go in as well.
Author’s Note: I understand that the Baby Mario and Baby Luigi characters seem a bit… off… but don’t worry! There’s a good reason for it that is not entirely insane and shall be explained later!