Super Mario RPG: No Legend of the 7 Dumb Stars

By Crazy Koopa

Chapter 8: Bean Valley

Last time Mario and Co. went to Land's End, and then to Monstro Town. There they fought Culex and Jinx gave them a Jinx Belt for no reason. Also, the 3 Musty Fears destroyed Monstro Town! Now Mario and... ACK!

Morton: I'm sorry, apologizing. But due to some technical, mechanical, machine-like difficulties, the current, now, not later narrator has left, went away, went bye bye, so I the great, kooptacular, stupendous, coolest, not dumbest, genius, not an idiot, Morton Koopa Jr, son of Bowser Koopa,
brother to my siblings Wendy, Larry, Iggy, Lemmy, Roy, and Ludwig, cousin to my cousins Susan and Nick, nephew to my King Uncle Wart, shall replace the narrator!


Morton: Now, Mario and his party members, Co, companions, chums, pals, assistants are headed to Bean Valley! Located between Nimbus Land and Land's End, close to Barrel Volcano, far away from the Mushroom Kingdom!

Mario: Did the narrator just talk like Morton?

Princess: It is Morton!

Mallow: Where is the old narrator?

Morton: He went to use the bathroom, the can, the toilet. So I, the great, kooptacular, stupendous, coolest, not dumbest, genius, not an idiot, Morton Koopa Jr. have replaced him!

Narrator: Help! I'm tied with these ropes under my desk! And also am being forced to listen to one of Morton's speeches on tape! Volumes 1-35 Uncut, now available in stores!

Mario: Well I hope he gets back soon. I don't like Morton narrating us.

Morton: Well I- ACK! What are you doing with that rope?!

The following scenes were not added because the narrating room is not part of the story.

Narrator: I'm back.

Mario: Finally!

Mario and Co. go down the random pipes in Bean Valley and find more pipes. Mario enters the pipe and, guess what? Finds more pipes! Also a path to somewhere in Bean Valley.

Mario: Path or pipe?

Bowser: Path!

Mallow: Path!

Geno: Path!

Princess: Pipe!

Some Random Guy: Pipe!

Random Flower from who knows where: Pipe!

Pipe: Path!

Path: Pipe!

Mario: I guess I'm the tiebreaker! I vote... (Insert Suspenseful Music here) ... Path!

Bowser, Mallow, Geno, and the Pipe: Yay!!!

The Princess, Some Random Guy, Random Flower from who knows where, and the Path: Darn!

Mario and Co. find, guesses anyone? More pipes! But these pipes have a Chewy on each one.

Shy Away: La, la, la...

Mario: Does anyone know Mr. Game & Watch's phone number?

Geno: I do!

Mario: Great! Now does anyone have a Cellular Shopper?

Princess: (on phone) Right, Daisy, I have to call you later. (off the phone) Here, Mario.

Mario: Great! Now time to call him.

Do, do, do, do, do, DO!

Toad: Hello! This is the Toad Bros. Bazaar! How may I help you?

Mario: O_O  Oops. Wrong number!

(The Cellular Shopper disappears._

Mario: O_O

Princess: You owe me a new Cellular Shopper!

Bowser: Try my phone!

Bowser gives Mario a Bowser Phone!

Do, do, do, do, do, DO!

Bowser: Hello? Who is calling?

Mario: Bowser?

Bowser: Oh! I'll be on my way!

Bowser: Bwahaha! Welcome, Bowser! To my Bowser Roulette!

>20 Coins for Bowser
  Bowser's Potluck
  Bowser's Suit Giveaway
  10,000 Star Present
  Bowser Revolution
  20 Coins for Bowser

Bowser: Stop!

  20 Coins for Bowser
  Bowser's Potluck
  Bowser's Suit Giveaway
  10,000 Star Present
  Bowser Revolution
  20 Coins for Bowser

Bowser: Let's see what you won... What the?!

Bowser: What did I win?

Bowser: You won... a guaranteed 10,000 Star giveaway?!

Bowser: Really!? I won? Cool! I never won anything in my life!


Bowling Alley...

Referee: The winner of this bowling tournament is Yoshi!

Bowser: NOOOOOOO!!!

Bowser wrestling...

Koopa Kid: The winner is Yoshi!

Bowser: NOOOOOOO!!!

Castle Koopa...

Ludwig: The winner of Monopoly this time is... Not King Dad!

Bowser: NOOOOOOO!!!

End of Flashback...

Mario: Well this was a collosal waist of time!

Princess: No it isn't! Look!

Mario watches all the Chewy plants wilt and die.

Mario: Let's go down the path.

Mario and Co. go down the path and find a Smilax plant!

Smilax: I'm so relaxed.

Shy Away: It's Mario! Fight, Smilax!

Smilax: But I'm so relaxed right now!

Shy Away: Fight, you stupid plant!

Smilax: I'm tired.

Shy Away: I know! Here are some nutrients!

Megasmilax: I'm extremely relaxed!

Smilax 1: Me too...

Smilax 2: Me three...


The Shy Away flies away and drops a packet of seeds.

Mario: I want the seeds!

Mario obtains a Seed!

Mario: What?! What happened to the others?

They disappeared.

Mario: Oh...

Now back to the story.

Mario: Hey! Can you move off the pipe?

Megasmilax: Sure.

The Megasmilax moves off the pipe but dies the minute it gets off.

Mario: Let's go down this pipe!

Mario and Co. go down the pipe and find a random floating Brick Block.

Mario: Say, does anyone know how these blocks can float in the first place?

Mallow: Beats me.

Geno: I don't know.

Princess: I lack the intelligence.

Bowser: Easy! It's because...

The following scenes have been removed because Bowser will talk like Morton.

Bowser: ...And that's how those blocks float in the first place.

Mario: Interesting... Oh well... I'll hit it!

Mario hits the block and makes a beanstalk appear.

Mario: Where is the Piranha Plant head?

Mallow: Beats me.

Geno: I don't know.

Princess: I lack the intelligence.

Bowser: Easy! It's not there because...

The following scenes have been removed because Bowser will talk like Morton.

Bowser: ..And that's why the Piranha Plant heads are gone!

Mario: I see... Last one up is a rotten... uh... Sunnycide!

Sunnycide: $%^%#^&%^&#%^&#& (What do you want?)

Crazy: You're not supposed to be in here! Get out!

Sunnycide: @##$@#$ (Aww...)

Princess: How do you know about Sunnycide?

Mario: Because it happened like this...

Flashback of the future, I mean past, uh... future past...

Mario: Look, Luigi! A giant egg!

Sunnycide: I'm Sunnycide, you moron!

End of Flashback...

Mario: Let's go!

Mario and Co. climb the beanstalk and land on soft cotton candy.

Mario: Why cotton candy?

Because the author of this story didn't have enough coins to buy clouds for this scene.

Mario: Oh...

Mario and Co walk through and eat through some cotton candy to get to the top of this mountain of sweet stuff.

Mario: Forget this! I'm using that elevator!

Mario uses the elevator!

Mario: Where am I now?!

Mallow: This sign says something...

Mario: How did you guys get up here?

Mallow: Plothole!

Mario: Curse you, author, for adding so many plotholes!

Sign: Welcome to Nimbus Land! The caravan is coming in three days! So let's give them a nice welcome!

Geno: What? Why are they waiting for a caravan?

Sign: Because we will die if they don't come soon!

Geno: The sign is talking?!

Sign: No I'm not!

Geno: Ok.

Sign: The Meteor Parasite landed around here and is going to kill us soon!

Geno: That is a different game. This game is Super Mario RPG. The Meteor Parasite is in Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles, a completely different Square game.

Sign: Oh... uh... Welcome to Nimbus Land! Prince Mallow is coming soon!

Mallow: Prince Mallow?

Mario: Geno is a person who knows about Final Fantasy! He must DIE!

Geno: Too bad for you then! I'm a party member! So YOU can't kill me!

Mario: Curse you again, Author!

Crazy: This chapter is a cliffhanger! So I'm ending it now!

Chapter 9: Nimbus Land!

Last time I got kidnapped by Morton Koopa. Mario and Co. went to Bean Valley at the time. After beating the Smilax, Mario and Co. made it to the Cotton Candy sky. Mario and Co. are now in front of the sign from the last chapter.

Mallow: Iím a PRINCE?!

Mario: Letís go and check!

Mario and Co. use the spring to get to Nimbus Land town.

Random Nimbus Person: Welcome to Nimbus Land! Valentina is about to tell us about a big announcement!

Valentina: Welcome, citizens of Nimbus Land! I, Valentina, was about to give a speech to all of you...

Nimbus People: YAY! She is not saying her speech!

Valentina: I hired this random goon to tell you all whatís in this speech!

Morton: Hi, hello, greetings, salutations! I am the great, kooptacular, best, coolest, excellent Morton Koopa Jr! Son of Bowser Koopa, brother to my brothers and sister, Larry, Wendy, Iggy, Roy, Lemmy, and Ludwig, cousins to my cousins, Nick and Susan, who are children to my king uncle, Wart, brother to my King Dad, Bowser Koopa, who has children named Larry, Wendy, Iggy, Roy, Lemmy, and Ludwig, who are cousins with...


Morton: That is the most not nice, rude, cruel, terrible thing to say to me! I shall tell you all, the people, citizens my speech on being nice, polite, not rude, not cruel!


Valentina: SHADDUP ALL OF YOU!!! Read the speech I made NOW!

Morton: Meep! Ok!

Nimbus People: ...

Morton: It says, ďPresenting, Prince Mallow!Ē

Prince Mallow???: ...

Valentina: Get over here!

Prince Mallow???: ...

Valentina: It seems our prince has a little case of stage fright! I shall get him!

Nimbus People: Please! Take your time!

Valentina: (whispering) GET YOUR FEATHERY BUTT OUT HERE NOW! WHAT?! YOUíRE STUCK?! WELL JUST LOOK AT YOUm TUBBY! (to the Nimbus People) Presenting! Prince Mallow!

Prince Mallow???: ...

Nimbus People: That is not the prince!

Valentina: Yes it is!

Nimbus People: Go you have proof?

Prince Mallow???: ...

Nimbus People: Oh...

Valentina: And he elected me, queen!

Nimbus People: How come we never voted?

Valentina: Because all of you are not royal enough!

Nimbus People: FINE!

Court Jester Valentina: Now than... HEY! WHO PUT COART JESTER THERE IN FRONT OF MY NAME?!

Narrator: Well excuse me! Weíre on a budget here! We could only afford the titles Court Jester and Princess. Wait... Ok! We got enough funds to put in your title, Queen.

Court Jester Valentina: Well itís about time! Wait... ITíS STILL COURT

Narrator: Itís in the middle of an express delivery here! Wait a bit!

Court Jester Valentina: Fine! Just remove the title!

Narrator: Fine!

Valentina: Good. Now to go into MY castle!

Mallow: What a coincidence! A prince with my name!

Mario: Yeah. But thatís odd...

Geno: Whatís odd?

Mario: Why would there be just a queen and prince?

Bowser: I think you will think about that in the future, in another adventure.

In the future...

Mario: Hey Queen Bean! Why are there only you and Prince Peasley? I find that suspicious!

Back to the present...

Mario: I doubt it. But seriously! Shouldnít there be a king? And why does Nimbus Land have birds as the royal family? They should be cloud people!

Mallow: You know... I think youíre right! Letís ask people.

Mario: Excuse me, Nimbus Person! But why does the royal family here have birds as rulers?

Nimbus Person: Actually King Nimbus is the ruler here.

Mario; Anything else you have to say?

Nimbus Person: Actually King Nimbus is the ruler here.

Mallow: You already said that!

Nimbus Person: Actually King Nimbus is the ruler here.

Geno: Oh right. This is an RPG. Everyone says the same thing until later.

Mario: Letís go into that house!

Mario and Co. enter the Nimbus Land Sculptorís house. Garro, the sculptor, is currently working on a Valentina statue.

Mallow: Hey look! A statue of me!

Garro: Oh no, thatís the king... in... his... younger days...

Mallow: Is there something wrong?

Garro: WHO ARE YOU?!

Mallow: Iím Mallow. And this is Mario!

Mario: Hi!

Garro: Ah! Mallow! What a fine prince youíve become!

Mallow jumps up very, very, very, VERY high up.

Mario: I think this is going to take a while.

3 Hours later...

Mario: Got any 3s?

Garro: Go fish!


Mario: Heís back.

Mallow: IíM A PRINCE?!

Garro: Yup.

Mallow: THAN IíM GOING TO...

Mario: Well?

Mallow: I donít know.

Garro: Iíll disguise you so you can sneak in the castle!

Mallow: Good idea!

Geno: Sorry weíre late! We got lost because of Bowser.

Mario: How did Bowser get you guys lost?


<i>Bowser: I just remembered something!

Princess: What? (Finally! My fist line in this chapter!)

Bowser: Iím going to sue you still!

Princess: Donít start that again!

Bowser: Youíd better have a good lawyer!

Princess: Youíd better have a good lawyer!

Geno: Iím just going to leave these guys alone.

Geno walks away.

Bowser: Now look what you did! Geno ran away because of you!

Princess: No, you!

Three hours later, during the Mallow jumping partÖ

Geno: I wonder where everyone went.</i>

End of Flashback...

Mario: Oh...

Mallow: Man, these scenes are taking forever! Iím going to fast forward!

Mallow fast forwards to the Dodo Beak Dodge Game!

Dodo: ...

Mario: (Must resist sneezing.)

Dodo: ...?

Mario: (Canít resist any longer!)

Dodo: ...

Mario: ACHOO!

Dodo: ...!

Mario: I did not sneeze!

Dodo: ...

Mario: (Phew...)

Dodo: ...?

Mario: Youíre supposed to leave now.

Dodo: ...

Dodo leaves the room and leaves behind a feather.

Mario: I got the feather!

Mario turns into Cape Mario!

Mario: ...

Mallow: Fast forwarding again!

Mallow fast forwards to the Birdo part.

Shy Away: @#$@#$@! Itís the bunch from Bean Valley! And the @#%#$%$ door is locked!


Mario: Hey look! A talking egg!

Egg: Will you play with me?

Mario: Ok...

Egg: Yay! Letís play dodge egg!

Mario: What?!

The egg crashes onto Mario! Battle start!

Egg: HP: 1

Mario: HP: 1
Mallow: HP: 232134234234
Geno: HP: -2322345
Bowser: HP: 23p34
Princess: HP: 4545235445656509710645947706034604659855245645

Mario: Hey! Who messed up the HP system?

Kamek can be seen next to the HP Machine.

Kamek: What?

Narrator: Just change it back...

Egg: HP: 350

Mario: HP: 400
Mallow: HP: 350
Geno: HP: 370
Bowser: HP: 410
Princess: HP: 300

Mario: JUMP!

Egg: HP: 0


Birdo: Hi! Iím a girl Birdo!

Mario: Arenít all the Birdos on Plit girls?

Birdo: No! Weíre all actually mostly boys!

Yoshi: Yoshi life has no meaning...

Yoshi kills himself! Mario and Co. and Birdo each receive 300 Exp. Points!

Birdo: Here! Have this key!

Mario obtains Castle Key 2!

Mario: What happened to Castle Key 1?

We skipped that part because Mallow fast forwardedÖ

Mario: Oh yeah...

Mario uses Castle Key 2 on the door.

Door: Iím released!

Mario: ...

Mario and Co. go through the door and enter a hallway.

Mario: Hey look! A note by a door!

Note: By order of _____ Valentina, DONíT RUN IN THESE HALLWAYS! KING NIMBUS IS IN BED! SO HE STAYS IN BED, I LOCKED THE DOOR! Signed by _____ Valentina

Mario: Why are there two blanks?

The title queen didnít arrive yet. Wait... Now it did!

Note: By order of Queen Valentina, DONíT RUN IN THESE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH I LOCKED THE DOOR! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Signed by Queen Valentina

Mario: Ok...

Mallow: Time to beat Valentina! Fast forward!

Mallow fast forwards to the battle Valentina part!

Valentina: Curses! You caught up to me! Now to battle!

Battle Start!

Valentina: HP: 1

Mario: HP: 1
Mallow: HP: 1
Geno: HP: 1
Bowser: HP: 1
Princess: HP: 1

Mario: How did we get 1 HP left?!

Narrator: Mallow fast forwarded too fast. So fast, that you crashed into Dodo and almost lost! But you won anyways!

Mario: Oh...


Dodo: ...

Valentina: HELP ME FIGHT!

Dodo: ...?

Valentina: HP: 1
Dodo: HP: 350

Mario: HP: 1
Mallow: HP: 1
Geno: HP: 1
Bowser: HP: 1
Princess: HP: 1

Mario: O_O Weíre so dead!

Dodo: ...

Dodo uses... Commit Suicide!

Mario: ... Jump!


Mario and Co: We won!

Mallow obtains Castle Key 3!

Mallow: Iíll be right back!

A few hours later...

*The following scenes have been removed due to them being boring.*

King Nimbus: A Star has fallen into Barrel Volcano!

Mario and Co: WHAT?!

End of Chapters 8 and 9:

Why did Morton want to be the narrator? Why is Bean Valley called Bean Valley? Why is Smilax so relaxed? Why was Nimbus Land made of Cotton Candy? Why did the sign in the last chapter mention Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles things? How come this chapter never had any plotholes? Why did Mallow fast forward so many times? Why does Dodo always say ď...Ē? What happened to Valentina? Find out in Chapter 10: A Dragon Zombie and Crazy People with Axes? AHHHHHHH!!!

Read on!

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