Why are people reading this instead of Super Mario RPG: No Legend of 7 Dumb Stars? Will the next chapter have newer gags? Who's going to play the part of Geno? What was the deal with the beginning? Will I ask more questions? Find out next time on SPM2RPGORPG!
Shadow Mario: Dude. This is next time. You've been asking questions for like ten weeks now.
I have?
Yux: Yes and it's getting annoying.
It is?
Shadow Mario: Stop asking questions!
Why?
One intense beating later.,,
Ow.
Shadow Mario: Last time on SPM2RPGORPG, we just kind of walked around and destroyed stuff. We also got an upside-down Star!
Yux: Which we don't have a clue what it's for.
Shadow Mario: ...
Yux: Lame.
Chapter 2: It's time to be Original! ... What am I saying?!
Yux: Um... What are you doing on that toilet?
Shadow Mario: We have to head to Tadpole Pond, right?
Yux: Right.
Shadow Mario: And to get there, we have to head through the sewers, right?
Yux: Right.
Shadow Mario: Well this is a shortcut to the sewers!
Yux: ... You're an idiot.
He floats away.
Shadow Mario: Ha! We'll see who's the idiot when I get there first!
He pulls the lever and flushes himself down the drain.
Shadow Mario: Wait... I HATE WATER!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
He shoots out of the drain and into a rushing stream of water in the sewers, which is full of sludge, garbage, and ghosts.
Boo: BOO!
Shadow Mario: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Boo: I'm not that scary.
Next, Shadow Mario is thrown out of the sewers and over a waterfall full of jagged rocks.
Shadow Mario: OW! AHHHHHH!!! OW! AHHHHHHHH!!! OW! AHHHHHHHH!!!
While falling and being beaten to a pulp by rocks, Shadow Mario tries to grab some of the coins that are floating right in front of him, but they're too far away for him to reach.
Shadow Mario: AHHHHHHHH!!! OW! (crying) AHHHHHHHHH!!! OW! (crying) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OW! (crying)
After landing on the final rock, he accidentally falls into a hole in the wall and gets sent down a stream of water that leads through the mountain. On the stream are a bunch of Boos, Shy Guys, and Goombas dancing and singing while doing horrible things to the water.
Shadow Mario: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
He reaches the end of the cave and is sent flying through the air until he lands on a hard barrel, which rolls around and sends him into the stream, where he hits his head on the other oncoming barrels.
Shadow Mario: AHHHHHH!!!!AHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! *inhales* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
He finally washes up on dry land, right next to Yux, who's laying in a beach chair.
Yux: I was wondering when you'd get here.
Shadow Mario: (gasping for air) How, did, you, get, here?!
Yux: I took the bus.
Shadow Mario: ... I hate you so much.
Yux: I know.
They enter Tadpole Pond and discover that the pond has been drained of all its tadpoles. Now a huge building with the words "Frog Legs Incorporated" on it is now in there place. The two of them think about this for a second, but they forget about it and head inside.
Toad: How can I help you?
Shadow Mario: Yes, we would like to talk to Frogfucious, please.
Toad: Sorry, but Frogfucious is very busy right now.
Two seconds later...
Shadow Mario is seen holding Toad hostage while Yux has his fire breath aimed at Toad's oversized head.
Shadow Mario: Is this his office?!
Toad: (crying) Yes!
Shadow Mario: You are no more use to us.
Yux melts Toad's head off. The two of them enter the room to find Frogfucious playing Super Mario RPG and, ironically, he is at the part where Mallow and Mario are asking Frogfucious where the next Star is.
Frogfucious: What? I went through all that and the stupid frog doesn't even know where the stupid Dtar is exactly?! &$#@!
Shadow Mario: ... Um, Frogfucious?
Frogfucious: What do you want?!
Shadow Mario: We have a couple questions.
Yux: One, why are you the president of Frog Legs Incorporated?
Frogfucious: Well, one day I accidentally took a bite of my leg and I realized that it was delicious! So I enslaved my own people and ripped off their legs so I could run an international restaurant business!
Yux: What do you do with the rest of the frog after you take the legs off?
Frogfucious: I throw them away.
Yux: That's so evil!
Shadow Mario: (eating a frog leg) But so delicious.
Yux: .,, Right. Anyways, the next question, do you know what this is?
He hands Frogfucious the upside-down Star.
Frogfucious: Hmm. Let me ask the waters and see if they know.
Yux: The waters? Do you mean the lake outside?
Frogfucious: No, I stopped using that stupid old lake after this building was built and that Lakitu died in it. Now I use a faster and more convenient device to communicate with the waters.
He jumps over to the bathroom toilet.
Frogfucious: Oh great waters... tell me what you know!
The toilet gives off a little hum.
Frogfucious: Oh, I see.
He turns to the two.
Frogfucious: The waters do not know what it is exactly, but they say that a Star that looks similar to it has appeared by Rose Town. Someone there might know what it is.
Yux: Thanks.
Yux and Frogfucious leave the bathroom, but Shadow Mario does not.
Shadow Mario: I'll catch up to you in a bit.
He closes the door behind him.
Two hours later...
Shadow Mario: Ok, let's go.
Yux: What were you doing in there?
Shadow Mario: (whispering) Just shut up and go! (aloud) Thanks for the help, Frogfucious! We'll be leaving now. I suggest not "talking" to the waters for awhile.
The two of them leave.
Frogfucious: (opening the bathroom door) I wonder what he was talking abo... HOLY @&#@ GOOMBA ON A $%#@*@ STICK $%@&%!!! I CAN'T @$%&#$ BREATHE!!!
...
Yux: *sniff, *cough* Oh, dude! I can smell that from here, and I don't even have a noise!
Shadow Mario: I knew I shouldn't have eaten that burrito.
Yux: What burrito?
Shadow Mario: The one I found in the sewers.
Yux vomits but Shadow Mario doesn't pay attention. The two of them enter Rose Way.
Shadow Mario: This is Rose Way? I pictured it with more roses.
He hits his head on a low floating item block.
Shadow Mario: Ow! Why you little!
Somehow he chokes the item box and causes its contents, which is a Star, to fall out.
Yux: Cool! You found a Star!
Shadow Mario: A Star? You mean one of those stupid Stars that you have to collect in those Mario Party games so you can win? Or do you mean the stupid "Collect all 120 Stars to win the game!" kind of Star?
Yux: Neither. This is one of the classic Stars. You know. the ones that turn you invincible.
Shadow Mario: ... Sweet!
The Star disappears and Shadow Mario starts glowing a seizure-inducing yellow flashing color. Strange music starts playing.
Yux: Where is that coming from...?
Shadow Mario: I don't know or care. It's clobbering time!
He grabs Yux and starts running through a hoard of enemies. Each one dies after a touch from Shadow Mario.
Shadow Mario: Tag! You're it!
Enemy #622: (dieing) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Enemy #623: You, sir, are a good man. May I shake your hand?
Shadow Mario: Sure.
He shakes his hand, then dies.
Shadow Mario: This is fun!
He comes across a pond full of lily pads, but he simply jumps over the lake.
Shadow Mario: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Wario: (talking to an army of Bob-ombs) My army! We will march on to my/Bowser's old Keep and reclaim it for my own non-evil proposes! Are you with me?!
Bob-omb Army: ...
Wario: ... There's pizza.
Bob-omb Army: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Shadow Mario runs by the army and Wario at such a high speed that he creates friction that lights the Bob-ombs' torches.
Wario: Oh @#.
BOOM!!!
Shadow Mario: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Yux: My, brains, are, going, into, my, feet!
Shadow Mario: (killing a Lakitu with his mind) You don't have any feet!
Yux: Oh, yeah! Hey! There's, Rose, Town! Slow, down!
Shadow Mario: ... I can'tttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!
Both: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
He runs over a couple of Toads and crashes into a house.
Shadow Mario: .,, Well, that was fun.
Rose Town Resident: Sirs! You shouldn't be here!
Yux: Why?
RTR: Because Bowyer will do horrible things to you!
Yux: Bowyer... You mean that stupid bow thing with a speech problem that likes to freeze people for no reason at all?
RTR: No! That was Bowyer 1.0! This is Bowyer 2.0! He's even worse!
Shadow Mario: How can a stupid guy like that get any more annoying?
Suddenly, a bullet shoots out of the Forest Maze and kills RTR.
Yux: Drive by shooting!
Shadow Mario: Duck and cover!!!
They run around in circles until they run into each other.
Yux: That was stupid.
Shadow Mario: No, you're stupid!
A Bullet Bill lands in between the two.
Bullet Bill: So... how are you doing today?
Both: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
They knock the door of the nearby inn down and hide behind the innkeeper and her son.
Innkeeper: Sure, just come on in. The door was unlocked anyways. Wait, no it wasn't.
The gunfire stops.
Shadow Mario: Looks like we dodged the bullet on that one.
Yux: I wonder what's with all the old Super Mario RPG villains coming back to life lately?
Shadow Mario: And why are they just repeating the same thing they did last time but slightly different?
Innkeeper: I hate to interrupt your boring conversation, but you need to either pay for a room or get out.
Shadow Mario: (hiding the wallet he stole off of Frogfucious) But we don't have any money.
Innkeeper: Well. could you please play with my son then? He doesn't have any friends, so he's very lonely. In return, you can sleep here tonight.
Yux: Sure, we'll play with your kid.
He floats closer to the ground so he can talk to the kid face to face.
Yux: (sweetly) How old are you?
Kid: 27.
Yux: ...
Shadow Mario: So, what do you want to play?
Kid: Let;s play with my action figures!
Yux: You mean your dolls?
Kid: No!
Yux: ... Whatever.
The kid is playing with five do- I mean action figures. They're shaped like Shadow Mario, Yux, Wario, Daisy, and an unknown character.
Yux: What's with the last one?
Kid: I don't want to talk about it.
Shadow Mario: Why are they shaped like us?
Kid: (evilly) Because their Voodoo do- I mean action figures!
He lifts up the Shadow Mario action figure into the air and Shadow Mario does the same.
Shadow Mario: AHH!
Yux: Can I see that for a minute?
Kid: Sure.
Two hours later of throwing the Shadow Mario Action figure towards the wall, off the roof, and into a trash compacter, Yux finally stops and goes to sleep while Shadow Mario has been knocked unconscious.
That night...
The ground rips open and a black star rises out of the hole and floats towards the five action figures.
Black Star: I need a body.
It floats over to the beat up Shadow Mario action figure.
Black Star: Too damaged.
It floats over to the Yux figure.
Black Star: Too thin.
To the Wario figure.
Black Star: Too fat.
Wario (from hundreds of miles away) HEY!!!
To the Daisy figure.
Black Star: Too girlish.
Finally, it floats up to the last figure.
Black Star: Oh @#$% no! I'll have to look some where else.
It starts to float away when suddenly, it somehow trips on air and falls backwards into the last action figure.
Black Star: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *giggle*
That morning...
Yux: *yawn* What's for breakfast?
Innkeeper: Nothing for you, you freeloaders!
Kid: Mommy! One of my action figures is missing!
Innkeeper: That's it! They're dolls, you idiot! Not get back to college!
Kid: Whaaaaa!!!
Yux drags Shadow Mario outside, then he throws him into the nearby well.
Shadow Mario: (gasping for air) What did you do that for?!
Yux: For being an idiot.
Shadow Mario: Ok.
A shady figure rushes into the Forest Maze.
Shadow Mario: What was that?
Yux: How should I know?
Shadow Mario: Let's follow it!
Yux: Why?
Shadow Mario: Because I said so.
Yux: ...
They follow the shady figure into the Forest Maze, which is, as you probably have guessed, a maze.
Two hours later...
Yux: (out of breath) I, don't, think, this, guy, knows, where, he's, going!
Shadow Mario: Guy? What guy?
Yux: You know. The one we were following for the last two hours!
Shadow Mario: What? I went in the opposite direction from that guy at the entrance.
Yux: What?!
Shadow Mario: Yeah. I was taught never to talk or follow strangers.
Yux summons a Mini-Yux to slap his forehead for him.
Shadow Mario: So... Now what?
Yux: *sigh* We're going to have to use a plot hole.
He turns around and begins to chant in an odd language until a hole in space/time/plot appears.
Yux: Let's get going.
Yux is about to step into the hole when suddenly...
Shadow Mario: (destroying the plot hole with his paintbrush) Hi-yaaa!
Yux: What was that for?!
Shadow Mario: I promised myself that I would never use a plot hole again. Not after what happened last time.
Another Flashback! YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Shadow Mario: Darn it! I'm stuck!
Toad: Use a plot hole to continue the story!
Shadow Mario: Ok!
He jumps into the plot hole on the ground and comes out through another hole that's right above the first hole.
Shadow Mario: (falling) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
End Flashback! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Yux: How did you get out of that one?
Shadow Mario: Plot hole.
Yux: ... So what do we do about the whole "we're lost in the woods" thing if we can't use plot holes?
Shadow Mario: You'll just have to do something random!
Yux: RANDOMIZE!
He glows, then stops.
Yux: The good news is...
Suddenly, the forest burns down. The skeleton of a Toad with a burning cigarette in his hand is all that's left.
Smokey the Bear: Don't smoke, kids. Only you can prevent forest fires.
The cigarette that was in Toad's hand falls out. An Indian Guy sees this and sheds a tear for mother earth, then the bear eats him.
Yux: Oooookkkkkk then.
Shadow Mario: Randomness saves the day again!
Yux: But the bad news is... The plot will be revealed in four pages!
Shadow Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Wait, why is that bad?
Yux: 'Cause then we'll have to walk some more!
Shadow Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Wait, why is that bad?
Yux: Because we're lazy!
Shadow Mario: NOOOOOOO...
Yux: Ok! We get it already!
Shadow Mario: Well, at least we can see the shady figure now... What the?
The new and improved Bowyer 2.0 (which is basically Bowyer 1.0 but this time he's a gun instead of a bow) is seen battling... a Malibu Barbie doll?
Black Star/Malibu Barbie: *giggle* You're going down!
She jumps up and knocks Bowyer 2.0 to the ground.
Bowyer 2.0: Weirdest battle ever, this is.
He fires a Bullet Bill out of his chest at MB, but she dodges it.
MB: *giggle* Is that the best you've got?
Yux: Hey, isn't that the doll that that kid was missing? How did it come to life and grow six feet tall?! Do you have any ideas, Shadow Mario? ... Shadow Mario?
Shadow Mario is paying close attention to the battle. Suddenly, a stray Bullet Bill from the battlefield explodes right next to Yux and Shadow Mario.
Boom!
Both: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
They land in the middle of Bowyer 2.0 launching an attack and MB's attack.
Boom! Again!
Both: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
They land on a rock.
Shadow Mario: Ow. Thank you, pointy rock, for always being there when I need you.
MB: *giggle* Oh goody! Can you please help me?
Yux: Sure, just get me unstuck from this tree.
Shadow Mario: And pop my spine back into place.
MB: *giggle* Sure!
She throws Yux out of the tree and at Bowyer 2.0 like a ninja star, but he dodges it. Next, she grabs Shadow Mario and kicks him in the back to fix his spine.
Shadow Mario: (being bent backwards) Um... Pop it in the other way.
MB: *giggle* Okey dokey!
Shadow Mario: Those giggles are starting to creep me out.
She pops the spine back in and jumps back into battle. MB jumps and kicks Bowyer 2.0 while Shadow Mario and Yux covers him in flaming goop.
Bowyer 2.0: Not fair, one against three is!
Shadow Mario: Yes it is, cause we're the good guys!
Yux: No we're not.
Shadow Mario: We aren't?
Yux: Dude, do you honestly think that stealing money, killing people, and destroying stuff makes you a good guy?
Shadow Mario: Yes.
MB: *giggle* That's what all good guys do!
Yux: ... You're right, but we're still bad guys!
Bowyer 2.0: Talking enough! Me win now!
Suddenly, three blocks appear on the ground in front of Bowyer 2.0. The blocks have the letters A, Y, and X on them. Bowyer 2.0 destroys the blocks with Bullet Bills.
Bowyer 2.0: Ahahahahahahah!!! No longer can you use buttons A, Y, and X!
MB: ... *giggle* What's he talking about?
Yux: Beats me.
Shadow Mario: *sniff* I know what he's talking about!
He starts crying while pointing to three buttons on his paintbrush.
Yux: (reading) Button A is for an atomic bomb, X is for the extermination of mankind, and Y is to make a silly yelling noise.
Shadow Mario: (crying) That was my favorite one!!!
Yux: . ..
Bowyer 2.0: Guard down it is! Bill Bullets attack!
Bullet Bill: Yeah. we've been meaning to talk to you about that. You see, we don't want to be used for fighting anymore, so...
Bowyer 2.0: No raise you get!
Bullet Bill: But...
Bowyer 2.0: Nothing but!
He fires a Nullet Bill at the Bullet Bill.
Bowyer 2.0: Good Idea this was not.
They explode and take Bowyer out with them.
MB: *giggle* Yay!
Yux: And it's all thanks to randomness!
Shadow Mario: (done crying) Speaking of randomness, hasn't it been four pages already? So doesn't that mean that...
MB: *giggle* It's time to reveal the plot!
Shadow Mario:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Wait, why is
that bad?
MB: *giggle* I'm a star creature from another dimension! *giggle* I possessed this body so I could retrieve this upside-down green Star that Bowyer had for some reason! *giggle*
Yux: Upside-down Star? You mean the weird Star we found?
MB: *giggle* Yes! There are seven Stars in all.
Shadow Mario: Duh.
MB: And they need to combine again to form a very important road that Exor 2.0 destroyed!
Yux: So, what was the road? Was it the Star Road?
MB: *giggle* No!
Shadow Mario: The Mushroom Road?
MB: *giggle* No!
Yux: Highway 169?
MB: *giggle* NO!!! It was... *demonic voice* The Highway to the Endless Abyss!!! Without that road, people can't get into the Abyss, where they'll suffer for all eternity for their evil deeds!
Yux: Isn't that a good thing?
Shadow Mario: Yeah, I mean I did some things, bad things, involving gasoline and hippies that so wouldn't get me to Heaven. I say we should leave it the way it is!
MB: *giggle* Ok! *demonic voice* But that means I get to eat your souls!
Shadow Mario: *sniff* I just can't win! Ok, we'll restore the stupid Highway.
MB: *giggle* Yay! And I'm coming with you whether you like it or not!
Yux: Whatever you say, crazy psycho Barbie.
And so the search for the evil Star Pieces begins! Will the anti-heroes be able to restore the Highway before it's too late?! But the real question is... does anyone care?! ... I thought as much. See you next time on SPMRPGORPG!!!