Here’s the current
list of “People who saved this dead horse of a FF”. Today we’re adding
P.T. Piranha and Joshua! Here’s the list so far…
Armored Potato
Chokoyoshi
Crazy Koopa
Dark Yoshi 123
Joshua
P.T. Piranha
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Chapter 4: We felt like skipping two chapters again. So sue us. Wait… You are?! @#$%!
Shadow Mario is breathing heavily while holding a bloody paintbrush.
Yux: … Wow. That was some amazing zombie slaying. Please tell me someone got that on tape.
Wario: Sadly, no.
Yux: Of course.
Shadow Mario: Hey… Where did Daisy go?
Daisy: (rocking back and worth) So, much, blood… Too, much, blood.
Everyone: …
Shadow Mario wipes off the blood from his weapon on Daisy’s dress.
Daisy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Shadow Mario: You're afraid of blood? You’re never going to fit into our club then. I mean, come on! Look at my hand!
His hand is missing several fingers.
Shadow Mario: This happens to me on a daily basis!
Yux: How is that possible?
Shadow Mario: Shut up, Yux. So toughen up and join us already!
Daisy: What the @#$% makes you think I want to join you guys?!
Shadow Mario: Well… you don’t HAVE to join us if you don’t want to. But you’ll have to live out the rest of the FF as an NPC.
Daisy: (shivering) Ok fine! I’ll join you in your quest to… What are you doing anyways?
Wario: Yeah, I’m not that sure either on what we’re doing.
Fans: Neither do we.
Shadow Mario: Well we have to collect stars that hold the power of evil. Together they will reform the road to the endless Abyss, which was smashed by Smithy 2.0 for no reason at all.
Daisy: What’s the Abyss?
Shadow Mario: It’s the censored word we use for the “Place That Must Not Be Named”.
Yux: Actually we can start calling it the Road to the Underwhere. That’s what Nintendo calls it.
Shadow Mario: … That’s a very lame name. But it will do! Now join our group!
Daisy: Fine… How do I do that?
Shadow Mario: You don’t do anything. First I click on you, then I right click your picture and hit Invite.
A message appears before Daisy saying, “Shadow Mario wants you to join his group. Accept, Decline”. She hits accept. Daisy has joined the party!
Yux: … The author has been playing too much World of Warcraft. Oh, THAT must be why it took him so long to write chapter 3!
Shadow Mario: No duh, Sherlock. Now let's head to the next Star! But first…
Shadow Mario opens the menu and switches Yux out for Daisy.
Wario: *gasp* The floating t-bone is gone!
Shadow Mario: Calm down, fatty. He’s still with us, just not standing with us.
Wario: …
Shadow Mario: It makes sense when you think about it. Now, onward we go!
Daisy: But the next location hasn’t appeared on the overworld map yet.
Shadow Mario: Meaning…?
Daisy: We can’t travel there yet until we complete a bunch of retarded story stuff.
Shadow Mario: Let me see this, “overworld map”.
Shadow Mario appears as a small sprite on a giant map.
Shadow Mario: This is freaky… Ok, let's see what I can do here.
He pulls out his paintbrush and draws a dot on the image of Star Hill. It instantly connects to the dot on Marrymore.
Shadow Mario: That should do it.
He moves to Star Hill and enters it, but not before drawing a dot on the ocean.
Random Adventurer: *gasp* There’s a new dot on the map! IT MUST MEAN TREASURE!
And he was never heard from again… except for tons of screaming. Meanwhile on Star Hill...
Shadow Mario: And here we are!
Daisy: Where did we go just now?
Wario: (crying) It was dark and scary!
Shadow Mario: It’s ok, fatty.
Wario: Please stop calling me that.
Shadow Mario: Never! Not after I saw what your special move is in Mario Strikers Charged. Now help me find the Star, lard butt.
Star: Can I help you find something?
Daisy: Yes please. But first, could you explain what these things are?
Star: Oh, these things? They hold everyone in the world’s wishes. Whose privacy would you like to invade today?
Shadow Mario: We’re just window shopping…
Wish Ball #1: I wish I had a million coins!
Wario: What a selfish creep.
Daisy: Um… Wario? That was your wish ball.
Wario: Oh…
Wish Ball #2: I wish I could havea cameo in Shadow Paper Mario 2!
Shadow Mario: No can do… (reading the ball) Bowser Jr. I wonder who that is.
Wish Ball #3: No more war! No more hatred! No more illnesses!
Shadow Mario: He’s basically asking for no more fun.
Wish Ball #4: I wish to spoil the ending to Harry Potter 7 so people will read my FF instead! And that ending is…
Lightning strikes the ball.
Shadow Mario: That was a close one. Whose ball was that?
Star: Shady Parakoopa’s.
Shadow Mario: …
Star: Do you have any other questions?
Wario: Have you seen an evil star of pure darkness?
Star: You mean my cousin Charley?
Wario: No…
Star: Then you must mean the weird, upside-down star thing at the back of the hill. You can get there by walking through a bunch of star doors that lead to nowhere important.
Shadow Mario: Thanks.
Star: Oh, and watch out for bandits, skeleton elephants, and chameleons.
Shadow Mario: What are they here for?
Star: Look, I have no idea, dude. This is just a summer job for me, ok? Now I have to clock out and make it to my fast food job at McShadow.
Shadow Mario: Please give our fish sandwich meal a try!
Daisy: …
Wario: …
Shadow Mario: Now onward with our pointless lives!
Meanwhile…
Yux: Stupid Shadow Mario taking me out of the party. When I get out of here I’m going to randomize the Underwhere out of him…
MB: *giggle* Tell me about it.
Yux: Oh, wow, you’re here. I thought you were dead or something.
MB: *giggle* Some days I wish I were.
Yux: Sooooooooooo… What do you do for fun around here?
MB: Nothing really. *giggle*
Yux: So how are you keeping sane… Let me rephrase that. What have you been doing to keep yourself occupied?
MB: *giggle* Well, I’m trying to control my giggling problem.
Yux: I can see how well that’s working.
MB: Hey! I’m trying really hard! See? *giggle* … @#$%&! *giggle*
Yux: …
Meanwhile…
Daisy: I think we’re getting closer to the Evil Star.
Shadow Mario: What makes you say that?
Wish Ball #5: I wish to torture all the weak in this world. I wish to twist off their body parts bit by bit until nothing remains. And I wish video games were outlawed! Mahahahahahahahahahahah!!!
Daisy: Just a hunch.
Wario: I can see it right there!
Shadow Mario: Good work, lardzilla!
Wario: …
Shadow Mario slowly approaches the Star, then pulls out a bag of sand. Slowly he pours out the sand until it’s about the same weight as it. Then, quickly and carefully, he makes the switch.
Shadow Mario: Got it!
Daisy: … You know those Stars don’t weigh anything, right? They float in midair. There wouldn’t have been a pressure-activated trap.
Shadow Mario: You ruin all my fun!
They leave through another pointless star door before a boulder falls down from the sky and lands where the Star had been.
Shadow Mario: Ok. Where to nex… HEY! We’re right back at the beginning of this stupid mountain!
Star#2: Oh, the trainee probably didn’t tell you that the second door leads right to the top.
Shadow Mario: Then he is so fired from McShadow! No way I’m letting an idiot near the grill!
McShadow Worker: Duh… That’s right, boss! Only smart guys like me are allowed near it!
He starts nibbling on his deep fried hand.
Wario: … Can I have a taste of that?
Shadow Mario: Yeah, I would like a nibble too.
Daisy: (puking) You guys are sick! I’m out of here!
She switches herself with MB.
MB: FREEDOM!!! *giggle*
After eating the McShadow worker, they head to Seaside Town. Why? Because they felt like it gosh!
Wario: Where is everyone?
Shadow Mario: Let's ask the village elder.
He walks up to Yaridovich 2.0.
MB: *giggle*) Um… Shadow Mario? I think that may be one of Smithy 2.0's guys.
Shadow Mario: Nonsense! Look at his shirt!
Yaridovich 2.0’s shirt says “Not Yaridovich 2.0”.
Shadow Mario: Why would an article of clothing lie?
Yaridovich 2.0: You looking for a Star? It’s in the sunken pirate ship out back. Now go get it and bring it to me, because I’ll rust in the water.
Wario: Rust?
Yaridovich 2.0: Yeah, rust. You got a problem with that?
Wario: Well… yeah. People don’t usually rust.
Yaridovich 2.0: Oh well…
Shadow Mario: Leave him alone, fatty. He obviously has some sort of medical problem.
Yaridovich 2.0: Yeah!
Wairo: But-
Shadow Mario: The only butt around here is your fat one. Now leave the man alone and let's get that Star!
MB: *giggle* Shouldn’t we get some supplies first?
Yaridovich 2.0: No! I mean… everyone in town is, um, sick today.
MB: … Everyone? *giggle*
Yaridovich 2.0: Yes, everyone. Shouldn’t you be getting me that Star now?
Shadow Mario: Yes, we should! Let's go.
MB: How the @#$%& *giggle* can’t you tell that this is a trap?!
Shadow Mario: You have to be more trusting of others, MB.
MB: HE’S CARRYING A @#$%%$# SPEAR! *GIGGLE*
Shadow Mario: I thought it was a walking stick… Whatever. Let’s go!
MB: But-
Shadow Mario: I said let’s go!
Wario: But-
Shadow Mario: LET’S GO!!!
Shadow Mario drags them to the Seaside.
Shadow Mario: Let's see… It should be in that sunken ship over there.
MB: *giggle* How do we get over there?
Random Black Mage: Yellow submarines for sale!
Shadow Mario: The power of randomness will always protect us!
They beat up the Mage and steal his staff.
Shadow Mario: HA! Made you think I was going to take the sub! BUT YOU WERE WRONG!
He uses the staff to warp to the ship. A cop arrests him right away.
Shadow Mario: *sigh* What is it now, Officer?
Cop: Besides speeding through dimensions, you also performed magic without a license.
Shadow Mario: What?! That’s retarded! Just about every living thing can use magic in this world! I tried to smash a bug once and it summoned Bahamut!
Cop: Tell it to the judge.
5-6 months later...
Shadow Mario: Ok, I’m back…
The party has turned to skeletons due to no food or water.
Shadow Mario: Darn it! Can’t you guys stay alive for more then five minutes without me?!
A round of Pick-Me-Ups later...
Wario: Awww… I was starting to like being a skeleton. I haven’t been that skinny since high school!
MB: *giggle* Does anyone care that I turned to bones to even though I’m made of plastic?
Both: No.
MB: … *giggle*
They walk down the empty hallways, seeing no one.
MB: *does you know what* Where is everyone?
Shadow Mario: Probably at a rocken party. Why weren’t we invited?!
Wario: Am I the only one worried about all the skeletons scattered everywhere?
Shadow Mario: Yes you are, fatty. I know you’re sad that they don’t have any meat left on them, but we have to push forward!
A Glum Reaper taps Shadow Mario on the shoulder, then disappears.
Shadow Mario: Stop it.
A Glum Reaper taps Shadow Mario on the shoulder, then disappears… again.
Shadow Mario: I said stop it!
It happens again.
Shadow Mario: I SAID STOP IT, YUX!
He somehow punches through time and space to hit Yux.
Yux: What did I do?!
Daisy: Hi!
The hole closes.
Glum Reaper: What was that?
MB: *giggle* Just a healthy dose of randomness.
She puts a bazooka to Glum’s head and disintegrates it.
Wario: That was kind of overkill there, Malibu Barbie.
MB: *giggle* I know.
Shadow Mario: So we’re surrounded by ghosts and Zombies?
MB: Yup. *giggle*
Shadow Mario: Well you know what we have to do, then.
MB: *chocks shotgun* Do a little bit of spring-cleaning? *giggle*
Shadow Mario: Nooo… We have to do a Scooby Doo reference!
He starts running in and out of all the doors in the hall.
MB: … Any objections to just leaving him here? *giggle*
Everyone: No.
MB: Great! *giggle*
Daisy appears out of thin air.
Daisy: Hi again.
Wario: (wrapping his arms around MB and Daisy) So… ladies. Where to next?
They both grab and toss Wario.
Daisy: Hands off, fatty!
MB: Girl power! *giggle*
The trio leave Shadow Mario to his chase scene.
Daisy: There sure are a lot of dead enemies here.
MB: *giggle* Then this should be easy!
She throws a bottle of pure water at a Glum Reaper, causing it to melt.
Glum Reaper: Oh the H2Orror!
Daisy pulls out a cross.
Daisy: The power of DAD Jr. compels you! The power of DAD Jr. compels you!
Greaper: Not religion! Nooooooooo!!!
Wario: And I can do this!
He butt-smashes a Dry Bone into dust.
Wario: Try to repair from that!
Dry Bone: No, I’m cool.
Wario: Not even going to try?
Dry Bone: Nope.
Wario: Oh… Thanks, I guess.
Daisy: Hey… How are we breathing here?
Author: LOGIC HAS NO PLACE HERE!!!
Daisy: …
They cheaply fight their way to the room with tons of doors.
Wario: Which door do we go through?
Daisy: Correction, which door can you “fit” through?
Wario: Stop making fun of me! Waluigi never made fun of my weight problem.
MB: *giggle* That’s because he was too busy being afraid that you would eat him!
Wario: Nonsense!
Waluigi: Actually, they're right.
Wario: WHAT?!
Waluigi: AHHHHH!!!
He returns to the item bag.
MB: What the @#$%% *giggle* was he doing in there?!
Wario: Oh, he’s just the old weapon I used to use before I got my upgraded weapon.
He pulls out Luigi.
Wario: And it has a speed bonus!
Luigi: Run for your lives! He’s crazy!
Wario bites off Luigi’s head.
Daisy: Oh my DAD!
Wario: You saw nothing!
Daisy and Malibu Barbie run for their lives, as instructed by headless Luigi. They crash into a locked door.
MB: *giggle* He’s coming closer!
Wario slowly jogs to the room.
Wario: (out of breath) Wait…. up…
He enters the room and collapses.
Daisy: … Yeah. That was slightly entertaining.
Wario’s corpse disappears into the party menu. Yux appears.
Yux: Well well well. Look who came crawling back. Wait… Where’s Shadow Mario?
MB: *giggle* We ditched him a while back.
Yux starts breakdancing, which is surprisingly easy for him.
Yux: That was fun. So what did I miss while I was in the menu screen limbo?
Three minutes later...
Yux: Oh. Sounds like the same thing we’ve been doing since chapter one.
Daisy: Pretty much.
Yux: The author lacks imagination.
MB: *giggle* The only reason people like him is because he’s incredibly random.
Author: Cupcakes!
Morton: Wedding cake!
Mario: Cheese!
Headless Luigi: BLEACH!
And that’s how the world exploded!
Everyone: Wait, what?!
BOOMM!!!
Shady: YAY! NO MORE FF!
King: Toco’s rule!
Someone knocks out the author with a bowling ball.
Daisy: …
Yux: …
MB: … *giggle*
Yux: … Ooooookkkkkk then. What now?
Daisy: We have to figure out the secret code and enter the next door.
Yux: Why can’t MB use one of her many weapons?
MB: *giggle* Because I might chip a nail!
Yux: Ignoring that. Can you crack it, Daisy?
She pulls out a laptop and her reading glasses.
Daisy: Give me an hour.
And so an hour has passed…
Yux: Got any threes?
MB: *giggle* I said go fish five times already!
Yux: So no?
MB fires her shotgun at the card deck while giggling a lot.
Yux: I will also ignore that. Have you cracked it yet, Daisy?
Daisy: Um… no. I’m going to need another hour.
Yux: What the Underwhere is taking you so long?
Daisy: Don’t look!
There’s a dancing Goomba on the screen.
Yux: Daisy! How could you?!
Daisy: I know! I should have been trying to open the door but this nice popup linked me to this, and next thing I knew, an hour had gone by!
Yux: What? I’m not angry because of that.
Daisy: You're not?
Yux: No, I’m just angry that you picked a Goomba over me!
Daisy: Oh…well it’s actually a pretty easy choose.
Yux: Oh yeah?! Well can your stupid Goomba do this?!
He launches himself into the locked door sawblade-style. The door explodes for no reason.
Yux: Why didn’t I do that in the first place?!
Author: Because that would have been logical. LOGIC HAS NO PLACE HERE!!!
Yux: I thought you were knocked out by a bowling ball.
Author: Let me repeat myself. LOGIC HAS NO PLACE HERE!!! Now fight that giant Calamari.
Yux: The what?!
King Calamari: Fear me and my tastiness!
MB: *giggle* Oh my gosh! It’s Katamari Damacy!
King Calamari: It’s Calamari! Not Katamari!
MB: The giant Katamari is going to get us! *giggle* WERE DOOMED!!!
King Calamari: For the last time, it’s Calamari! Not-
Shadow Mario: (singing) KATAMARI DAMACY!!!
He crushes King Calamari with a giant Katamari ball.
Shadow Mario: Hey, guys and gals! You’ll never guess what I’ve been doing!
Yux: We don’t care.
Shadow Mario: …
Shadow Mario kicks MB back to the menu screen, then use the Katamari ball to crush all in their path.
Shark Pirate #1: Why does this always happen to me?!
Shark Pirate #2: I only had one more day 'til retirement!
Shark Pirate #3: *gasp* It’s just like the fortune cookie predicted!
Fortune Cookie: You will be crushed by a giant ball. Have a nice day.
Johnny: WHAT’S ALL THIS RACKET OUT HERE?!
Shadow Mario tries to roll him up, but he pops the ball with his spear.
Shadow Mario: You're no fun.
Johnny: You dare tarnish me ship?! I challenge you to ye olde death combat!
Shadow Mario: Sounds pleasant.
Yux: Should we help you?
Shadow Mario: No, this is my fight, and this time… it’s personal!
Daisy: You don’t even know who this guy is!
Shadow Mario: Does that ever stop anyone from death fighting?
Shadow Mario pulls out his Paint Brush and hardens it into a spear.
Everyone: SPEAR FIGHT!
Shadow Mario: (thrusting forward) Take that!
Johnny: (stepping back and thrusting forward) No, you take this!
Shadow Mario: (stepping back and thrusting forward) NO, you take this!
Hours of pure long-range boredom later...
Shadow Mario: (stepping back and thrusting forward) NO, you take this!
Daisy: For the love of DAD, will someone please make contact already?!
Shadow Mario: *sigh* Fine.
He shoots Johnny in the arm with a gun.
Johnny: @#$%!
Shark Pirates: We’ll help you, boss!
Shadow Mario: *chocks gun* I’d like to see you try.
Shark Pirates: …
While aiming the gun, they back up into the room with the Star in it.
Shadow Mario: Ok, we got it. Let’s take that springboard out of here.
Yux: How does that work?
Daisy: Shut up, Yux.
Yux: …
They jump on the spring and land in Seaside Town.
Yaridovich 2.0: Did you bring me the Star?
Shadow Mario: Yes we did, nice elderly man! I hope we have helped you in some form with no repercussions!
Yaridovich 2.0: Hehehe… SUCKERS!!!
He takes the Star and pushes Shadow Mario to the ground.
Shadow Mario: What are you doing?!
Yaridovich 2.0: HA! You thought I was a simple old man, but you were wrong! I am…
Yaridovich 2.0 rips off his “I am not Yaridovich 2.0” T-shirt.
Yaridovich 2.0: Yaridovich 2.0!!!
Shadow Mario: *GASP!* What an awesome plot twist! I had no idea!
Everyone: …
Yaridovich 2.0: And now I make my getaway!
Daisy: Wait! Why does Smithy 2.0 want the Stars?
Yaridovich 2.0: Um… Well you see… SHUT UP!!!
He runs to the next area.
Yux: After him!
Shadow Mario: You don’t have to be so bossy.
They enter the next area and find Yaridovich 2.0 waiting for his ride.
Yaridovich 2.0: Hurah! The Blade is here on time for once! Time to fly away!
Smithy 2.0 Minion: Please walk through the metal detector, sir.
Yaridovich 2.0: What’s this about?
Smithy 2.0 Minion: Just standard practice, sir.
Yaridovich 2.0 walks through the metal protector. It goes off.
Smithy 2.0 Minion: Do you have any metal in your shoes, sir?
Yaridovich 2.0: My shoes are metal.
Smithy 2.0 Minion: … Any coins in your pocket, sir?
Yaridovich 2.0: *sigh*
Shadow Mario: Hey you! It’s time to fight!
Yaridovich 2.0: I might as well, but I warn you, I’m one of the hardest bosses in this game!
Shadow Mario: Sure you are.
Yaridovich 2.0 looks at Shadow Mario funny. He instantly dies.
Daisy: (with defibrillators) CLEAR!
Shadow Mario: *gasp* Thank goodness we have a healer on our team.
Daisy: Actually I’m more of an attack enhancer. Yux is the healer.
Yux: No I’m not. I’m more of the fire-specked mage. I think MB was the healer.
Shadow Mario: No, she's more of the FP sucking mega-hit fighter.
Yux: I thought that was you.
Shadow Mario: No, I’m the quick fighter who can equip lots of weapons but cannot master any of them. Maybe Wario's-
Yaridovich 2.0: SHUT UP ALREADY AND FIGHT ME!!!
Shadow Mario: Oh, right. Use the randomizer, Yux!
Yux: Well there’s no point in arguing with you… so… RANDOMIZE!
He glows, then stops.
Yux: The good news is…
Mechanic: Yaridovich 2.0?
Yaridovich 2.0: Yes, what is it?
The mechanic whispers something in Yaridovich 2.0’s robo ear.
Yaridovich 2.0: … Oh my. You mean…
Mechanic: I’m afraid so. You have robo cancer, and it’s advanced. I’m sorry, but you have three seconds to live.
Yaridovich 2.0: Oh… Wait, what?
He dies.
Yux: (grabbing the Star) You're welcome.
Shadow Mario: Shut up, Yux. Now what’s the bad news, which totally overshadows the good news?
Yux: Oh, right. The bad news is…
Shadow Mario braces himself for impact.
Shadow Mario: …
Yux: …
Daisy: …
Shadow Mario: … Well? Where’s the bad news?
Yux: … Huh. It must be a delayed effect.
Shadow Mario: Well tell me when we’re doomed.
He takes one step and trips, causing him to fall to the ground.
Yux: There it is.
Shadow Mario: (crying) Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! MOMMY!!!
To sadly be continued.
The Village: … Hello? Anyone out there? … We would like to come out now.
I would really suggest stopping here, but if you like torture, then please read on.