Chapter 5: Glitz, Blitz, and Maybe Ritz
Lemmy and P.T, land in the pipe that will now take them to Rogueport Sewers, at the beginning of Boggly Woods. Back in the sewers...
P.T.: I can't believe we survived!
Lemmy: Yeah! I bet the readers were thinking, "Oh no! They died! What's gonna happen now?
Meanwhile...
You: Ha ha! They died! Yes! Hey! Mom! You owe me ten bucks! The characters didn't survive!
Back in the sewers...
P.T.: I have a disturbing feeling that we were incorrect.
Lemmy: Oh well. At least we managed to get the Emerald Star in the explosion!
The song that was playing during the prequel starts playing agaim.
Lemmy: Are we in the prequel?
P.T.: No. That's just my ring tone.
P.T. answers his cell phone.
P.T.: Hello?
Wendy: Okay, Miles "Thumbs" Power. Wario wears yellow, because...
P.T.: Huh? I'm not Thumbs!
Wendy: Oops. Wrong number.
P.T. hangs up. The song starts playing again.
P.T.: Hello?
Frankly: I don't want you coming into my house again! So I'll tell you that the Gold Star is in Glitzville. Go to Don Pianta's to get blimp tickets. Bye!
P.T. hangs up.
P.T.: How can we have good reception? We're in a sewer!
Lemmy: I guess we have to go to Don Pianta's place.
P.T.: No way! I'm tired of that mafia guy! I have a better way to get to Glitzville!
Soon, at the blimp port...
Lemmy: What are you doing?
P.T.: I'm tying us to the blimp.
Lemmy: 'Kay.
Soon, the blimp is in the air, with Lemmy and P.T. tied to it. Soon, it lands.
Lemmy: I can't believe that worked!
P.T.: I'm going to go out on a limb, and say that the Star is in the Glitz Pit.
Lemmy: Why?
P.T.: My Crystal Star detector that just exploded said that it was in there.
Lemmy: Why does everything keep exploding?
P.T.: Magic.
Lemmy: What? Oh well. At least it isn't because there's a sign outside of the Glitz Pit, saying that the Star is in there, similar to many moments in the prequel.
P.T. (trying to destroy said sign so Lemmy won't see it): Uh, yeah!
Inside...
Grubba: In this corner, Rawk Hawk!
Audience: Yay!
Grubba: In this corner, The Koopanator!
Kyle: Ohla, everyone!
Audience: Ohla.
Grubba: Fight!
One win on Rawk Hawk's part later...
Grubba: Once again, Rawk Hawk wins.
Rawk Hawk shows off a belt with the Gold Star on it.
Lemmy: Great. We have to fight for the Star!
P.T.: Woohoo! In Paper Mario 2, this is my favorite chapter!
Soon, in Grubba's office...
Grubba: So you're saying that you want to fight?
Lemmy and P.T.: Yes.
Grubba: 'Kay. You're rank 100. Your name will be "Rainbow Head and Super Koopa". You must also fight consecutively. You can use one break to go to the locker room between fights. Jolene! Take 'em to the Minor League room!
Jolene: Yes, Master.
Soon...
Jolene: Here you are.
She leaves. Lemmy presses a button on the GBA thing.
Grubba: Hello. You're fighting rank 99: El Goomba.
In the arena...
Rank 99: El Goomba.
Ref: Fight!
El Goomba: You senors are going down!
Lemmy stomps on him.
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win!
Rank 98: F n' J
Freddy: I'm going to kill you.
Jason: Me too.
Ref: Fight!
Lemmy throws his ball at Freddy, but it pops on his claws.
Lemmy: Darn. (Hmmm, if these two are in the minor leagues, I'm scared of the major leaguers!)
P.T.: Wait, who would be scared of a guy named Freddy? Or Jason?
Jason: I never thought of that, really.
Freddy: The chap has a point.
Jason: And since when did we get these Brittish accents, chap?
Freddy: I'm not sure, but they're the bee's knees!
Jason: Or the cat's meow.
Harry Potter: Are you making fun of me?!
Freddy and Jason: No.
Harry Potter: Avada Kadavra!
Harry kills Freddy and Jason.
Ref: I guess Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Rank 97: Chocolatey Goodness
Ref: Fight!
Fudgums (from the Dominos commercial): Die!
P.T.: Don't worry, Lemmy. I've got this covered. :)
P.T. eats Fudgums.
P.T.: I like chocolate! :)
Ref: 0.0 Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Rank 96: Totally Wiggin' Trio
Ref: Fight.
Bobobo: We'll-
Don Patch: Destroy-
Jelly Jiggler: You.
P.T.: Super Fist of the Nosehair: Rainbow Needle Cannon!
P.T. grabs Lemmy and pulls his tail like a trigger, and red, blue, yellow, and green needles shoot out of Lemmy's head.
Jelly Jiggler: Super Fist of the Wobble-wobble: Jelly Shield!
J.J. forms himself into a protective shield around his team. The needles bounce off of JJ, and hit P.T. and Lemmy.
P.T. and Lemmy: Ow!
Lemmy: How come you got first billing all of a sudden?
P.T.: Dunno.
P.T. uses Lemmy as a battering ram to get through Jelly Jiggler.
Jelly Jiggler: Ow.
Now P.T. uses Lemmy as a beating stick to beat up Bobobo, Don Patch, and Jelly Jiggler.
Lemmy: I think my skull is slightly cracked. Again.
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Rank 95: I Invented Rank 95
Ref: Fight!
Al Gore: I invented fighting!
Lemmy throws his ball (which got repaired in a deleted scene) at Al Gore.
Al Gore: I invented deleted scenes!
Lemmy: Is there something you didn't invent?!
Al Gore: Nope. Aaah! I said a sentence that didn't involve the words "I invented"! It burns!
Al Gore melts into a puddle, and Lemmy sucks it up.
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Rank 94: Mr. Inflatable
Mr. Patch: I am Mr. Patch! Fear me!
Lemmy: I'm supposed to fear a giant, inflatable dinosaur?
P.T.: From Banjo-Tooie?
Lemmy: I accept ONE Martin Interview, and soon my Land is swarming with cameos!
Mr. Patch spits a beach ball at P.T., knocking his sunglasses off.
Lemmy: So that's where my balls come from.
Lemmy throws a needle at one of Mr. Patch's 12 patches.
Mr. Patch: D'oh! You found my weak point! I'm gonna need some help, here!
Boxing gloves start popping up from the ground. P.T. is apparently not good at dodging them.
P.T.: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Lemmy hides in his shell and goes around hitting Mr. Patch's patches with the spikes on his shell.
Mr. Patch: How did you find my weak points?
Lemmy: It was kind of obvious.
P.T.: Yeah, they might as well have named Super Man, "Mr. Kryptonyte".
Mr. Krypto... I mean, Super Man: What's wrong with that name? *sniff*
Mr. Patch deflates.
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Rank 93: P.T.'s Interview Gang
P.T.: Spike, Shrooby, and Punchy?
Spike, Shrooby and Punchy: Yes.
P.T.: Where's Kyle?
Spike: He's rank 1.
Ref: Fight!
Lemmy holds up a potato chip.
Punchy: Potato chip!
Lemmy: Surrender, and you get the chip.
Punchy: I surrender.
Spike: I'm too lazy. I surrender.
Shrooby: Don't hurt me! I surrender!
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Lemmy gives Punchy the chip.
P.T.: I didn't know my gang was so easily defeated.
Lemmy: Where have you been?
Rank 92: Dark's Interview Gang
Dark: Too lazy.
Thumbs: Too lazy.
Yellow: Too much of a minor.
Pink and Pura: Not too lazy.
Lemmy: Okay. I think I can do this.
P.T.: That's the spirit, Lemmy! I'm right behind you! ... Emotionally.
P.T. runs away.
Lemmy: Wimp.
Lemmy freezes Pink and Pura with his Freeze Gun.
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Rank 91: Hero of Time
Link: Hi!
Lemmy: Link?
Link: I told you that I'd see you in the next chapter! And here we are!
P.T.: I think Ganondorf is in Rogueport.
Link: I must kill him!
Link runs off to Rogueport.
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Rank 90: Armored Harriers
Red Iron Cleft: We won't disappear with logic, like in Apple Kid's FF.
Green Iron Cleft: We won't be embarrassed by our secrets, like in Shady Parakoopa's FF.
Lemmy: Then how do we fight you?
Red: RPG Battle! Duh.
Lemmy: 'Kay.
RPG Battle!
Lemmy: HP: 40/40
P.T.: HP: 35/35
Vs.
Red: HP: 60/60
Green: HP: 50/50
Lemmy uses "Shell Attack" on Red. 10 damage!
P.T. uses "Super Fist of the Nosehair: Walmart Brand Peanut Butter Attack" 49 damage each!
Red uses "Fusion". He and Green are now, "REDANDGREENTOGETHER".
REDANDGREENTOGETHER uses "Finger Laser". 100 damage each! They are now separate.
Lemmy: HP: 0/40
P.T.: HP: 0/35
Vs.
Red: HP: 1/60
Green: HP: 1/50
Red and Green win!
Battle Over.
Ref: Armored Harriers win!
Lemmy: I think we'll use our trip to the locker room, now.
In the locker room...
Lemmy: This is going to take too long.
P.T.: I don't know what we're gonna do!
Lemmy: I do!
Lemmy steals your remote, and presses the fast forward button. Soon...
P.T.: How'd we get into the major league locker room?
Lemmy: Fast forward.
You come, and take the remote back.
P.T.: Lame.
Lemmy presses a button on the GBA thing.
Grubba: Well, Rainbow Head, you'll fight Rank 2: Prequel Cameo Attack.
at the arena...
Rank 2: Prequel Cameo Attack
Ref: Fight!
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
Homer strangles Lemmy.
Torpedo Ted: I'm a torpedo! Torpedo Away!
Torpedo Ted rams himself into P.T. Meanwhile, Lemmy breaks free from Homer's strangle.
Homer: D'oh!
Lemmy throws his ball at Homer.
Homer: D'oh!
Homer faints. Meanwhile...
Torpedo Ted: I'm a torpedo!
P.T.: I think the readers know that by now.
Torpedo Ted: Torpedo Away!
Torpedo Ted is about to ram himself into P.T., but P.T. grabs him, and tosses him into the sky. This causes fireworks.
Audience: Oooh... Aaah…
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Rank 1: The Koopanator
Kyle: Ohla, Senor P.T.
P.T.: Hi, Kyle.
Ref: Fight.
17 seconds later, P.T. is in a headlock.
P.T.: Lemmy! Do something!
Lemmy freezes Kyle.
Ref: Rainbow Head and Super Koopa win.
Champion: Rawk Hawk
Ref: Fight.
The music that plays when you fight Rawk Hawk starts playing.
Rawk Hawk: The fights with Roy that involved hurting Iggy were good practice!
Rawk Hawk runs towards our heroes.
P.T.: Lemmy Shield!
P.T. pulls out a shield with Lemmy's face painted on.
Lemmy: Thank goodness. I thought you were going to use me as a shield.
P.T.: Sword of the Lemmy!
P.T. grabs Lemmy, and holds him like a sword. He blocks Rawk's attack with the shield, and then hits him with Lemmy.
Lemmy and Rawk: Ow.
P.T. and Rawk take turns attacking. P.T., however, keeps blocking with his Lemmy shield, and attacking with his Sword of the Lemmy. (Which is just Lemmy.)
Rawk: Take this!
Rawk punches the Lemmy shield. It breaks. P.T. gets in one more successful hit before Rawk harms P.T.'s right hand. That's the hand that's holding Lemmy.
P.T.: Owie!
Lemmy tries to freeze Rawk, but...
Lemmy: Dang. Outta juice. Again.
Rawk punches Lemmy and P.T., and pretty much does the most damage that he, Roy, Bowser, Macho Grubba, Culex, Wario, and Kyle could do together, to them.
Lemmy: Ow...
P.T.: ...
Lemmy: All right! We get it! You're unconscious!
P.T.: Sorry! Anyway, time for the big attack! Super Fist of the Nosehair: P.T. Roulette!
Suddenly, a giant roulette wheel is floating in the air. A P.T. clone is the spinner on the wheel. There are four sections on the wheel. One section has Rawk's face, the second has Lemmy's, the third has P.T.'s face, and the fourth has another Lemmy face.
Rawk: What's going on?
P.T.: It's my roulette wheel of punishment! Whoever the wheel lands on, gets punished!
Lemmy: I'm on there twice?!
P.T. Clone (while spinning): 'Round, and 'round, and 'round I go. Where I stop, nobody knows!
It lands on Lemmy.
P.T. Clone: And your punishment will be, "Mauled by Pink".
Pink: Do you like Yoshis?
Lemmy: I guess.
Pink: Liah!
Lemmy: What?! How am I safe if you beat me anyway?!
Pink beats Lemmy. As soon as he's up...
P.T. Clone (spinning): Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna beeeee?
It lands on Rawk.
P.T. Clone: And you punishment will be, "Eaten alive"!
Rawk: Huh?
Chain Chomps appear, and eat Rawk. But they spit him out, because he's a jerk.
Rawk: Ow.
P.T. Clone (spinning): Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna beeeee?
It lands on Rawk.
Rawk: Me again?!
P.T. Clone: Your punishment will be, "Mauled by all the other fighters"!
Lemmy, P.T., El Goomba, Freddy, Jason (who's somehow alive), Fudgums, Bobobo, Don Patch, Jelly Jiggler, Al Gore, Mr. Patch, Spike, Shrooby, Punchy, Dark, Thumbs, Yellow, Pink, Pura, Link, The Iron Clefts, Homer, Torpedo Ted, Kyle, and all the other fighters beat Rawk up.
Rawk: OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
P.T. Clone (spinning): Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna beeeee?
Rawk: WAIT A SECOND! MY SECTION IS BIGGER THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S, NOW!
It's true. We see that Rawk's section now takes up 85% of the board. Both of Lemmy's sections take up 5% each, and P.T.'s takes up 5%.
Rawk: I JUST KNOW THAT IT'LL LAND ON ME! I TAKE UP 85% OF THE BOARD!
It lands on P.T.
Rawk: Ha ha! You lose! 'Cause you're a loser!
P.T. Clone: Your punishment is "Beat up Rawk Hawk". I'll help!
P.T. and his clone throw titanium boomerangs at Rawk's Head.
Rawk: NO MORE! NO MORE! I SURRENDER!
P.T.: No way! I'm having fun!
P.T. Clone (spinning): Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna beeeee?
The clone lands on a section with both Lemmy AND Rawk Hawk's faces on it.
Lemmy and Rawk: Oh no.
P.T. Clone: Your punishment is, "Free fall"!
A hole opens up under Lemmy and Rawk. They fall all the way from Glitzville to a painful landing. But somehow, they reappear in the arena.
P.T. Clone (spinning): Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna beeeee?
The clone lands on Lemmy, but a second clone that just appeared lands on Rawk.
Rawk: PLEASE! NO MORE! I'LL LET YOU HAVE THE STAR! I'LL EVEN KICK MYSELF OUT OF THE GLITZ PIT! JUST NO MORE!!!
P.T.: Okay. But you still have to go through one more punishment.
P.T. Clones: For Lemmy, his ball pops.
Lemmy's ball pops.
Lemmy: Darn!
P.T. Clones: For Rawk, he must die. Along with everyone else in Glitzville.
Suddenly, the rockets keeping Glitzville in the air start to fail. Suddenly, all of the Glitz Pit falls. Meanwhile in the arena, the clones and roulette disappear.
P.T.: Oh my DAD! We're all gonna die!
Lemmy: Don't we still have Diddy's jetpack?
P.T.: Oh yeah.
P.T. puts the jetpack on, grabs Lemmy, and turns the jetpack on. But he doesn't fly away. He just hovers in the same spot.
Lemmy: Well?
P.T.: There is no ceiling above us.
We'll just float, while the area around
us falls.
Glitzville crashes. (And no, I didn't steal this from Shady Parakoopa! It's just too irresistible to make a floating city not fall.) Anyway, the Glitzville (and everyone that was there) dies in a painful crash. P.T. and Lemmy land. And the jetpack runs out of fuel.
Lemmy: What about the Crystal Star?
P.T. goes searching through the remains, and finds the Gold Star.
P.T.: Got it!
Lemmy: Let's use the blimp to fly back to Rogueport.
They hop in the (somehow undamaged) blimp, and fly it back to the blimp port in Rogueport.
P.T.: Man, that chapter was long!
CRUMP'S SIDE!
Crump is flying through the air, because of the tree's explosion.
Crump: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Crump lands in a tree, on the path between Twilight Town and Creepy Steeple.
Crump: Ow! Wait a minute! I just survived the explosion! Yay!
Crump tries to get out of the tree, but...
Crump: Aaaah! I'm stuck! ... Oh well. I must look at the bright side. I have the Emerald Star!
Crump reaches into his pocket to pull out the Emerald Star, but...
Crump: Aaaah! I lost it in the explosion!
Magnus Von Grapple music starts playing. He pulls out a cell phone, and answers it.
Crump: Hello?
Grodus: Crump! I heard that Lemmy and P.T. got the Gold Star! Do you at least have the Emerald Star?
Crump: Um, yeah. Funny story...
Grodus: I'm embarrassed to even know your name! Where are you?
Crump: Twilight Trail. In a tree.
Grodus: *sigh* I'll send the Shadow Sirens to get you down. Then, go look for the Sapphire Star!
Crump: Why not get the Ruby Star? It's nearby!
Grodus: I don't think you would be able to beat Doopliss.
Soon, the Shadow Sirens free Crump, who then goes to Rogueport.
I apologize if this chapter was too
long. I probably got carried away, since it's my favorite chapter.
Chapter 6: Statues, Shadow Sirens, and Duplighosts! Oh My!
Our heroes land the Blimp back in the blimp port, and are shocked to see a destroyed Rogueport.
P.T.: What happened?
Lemmy: Link happened.
They see that Link is destroying the town, in his search for Ganondorf.
P.T.: Uh, I think Ganondorf just jumped off that cliff.
Link: I'm there!
Link jumps off a nearby cliff. Little does he know, a bunch of ripped Shy Guys are at the bottom. Professor Frankly walks up to the duo.
Frankly: Who sent that nightmare to this town?!
P.T.: Iggy Koopa?
Frankly: Oh. In that case, I'll give him a million dollars.
P.T.: 0_0
Frankly: Meanwhile, I noticed that the Ruby Star is in Creepy Steeple. Go to the sewers, find a brown pipe, and hop in. But you must have your name on your person.
P.T.: Ha ha ha!
P.T. tattoos Lemmy's name on his forehead.
Lemmy: OW! That hurt!
P.T.: Oops. I spelled it wrong.
P.T. tattoos a scribble over Lemmy's misspelled name, and rewrites it on his right arm.
P.T.: Oops. The Q is backwards.
Lemmy: There's no Q in "Lemmy"!
P.T.: Oops.
P.T. tattoos a scribble over Lemmy's misspelled name on his arm, and tattoos his name correctly on his left arm.
Lemmy: Ow! Ha! Now I get to torture you with painful tattoos!
P.T. reveals that the inside of his trench coat has his name sewn on the inside.
Lemmy: D'oh!
They jump into a hole that Link made, which happens to be right over the pipe to Twilight Town. Soon...
P.T.: I hate this chapter.
Moo!
A guy in the background is turned into a statue.
Lemmy: I guess we must defeat Doopliss now.
The Shadow Sirens appear.
Beldam: Attack!
Vivian and Marilyn shoot their elemental attacks at Lemmy.
Lemmy: OW!
Beldam: You shall be punished, if you don't give me a reason to punish you, Vivian!
P.T.: You three are some seriously twisted sisters.
P.T. throws a flaming boomerang at the Shadow Sirens. But Vivian isn't affected.
Vivian: I'm immune to fire!
Vivian is about to do a deadly attack on P.T. and Lemmy, but...
Moo!
Vivian is turned to stone.
Lemmy: That was lucky!
Moo!
P.T. is turned to stone.
Lemmy: Like I said, I guess I should defeat Doopliss now.
After making his way through Twilight Trail, Lemmy makes it to Creepy Steeple.
Lemmy: That building doesn't look very creepy.
Lemmy enters, and sees Boos everywhere.
Lemmy: Woah! Deja vu!
Lemmy pulls out the vacuum, and sucks away. Eventually, he makes it to Doopliss' room.
Doopliss: Welcome, Slick!
Lemmy: Shouldn't you be with E-Man?
Doopliss: I'm on vacation. With my brothers!
A blue Duplighost with red hair appears.
Blue Duplighost: My name's Mapliss. I'm Doopliss' big bro.
A yellow Duplighost with blue hair appears.
Yellow duplighost: My name's Yarnliss. I'm Doopliss' little bro.
Lemmy: 'Kay.
Yarnliss: We'll-
Doopliss: Destroy-
Mapliss: You.
Mapliss transforms into Magnus Von Grapple 2.0. Yarnliss hops into the cockpit. And Doopliss turns into a pile of cannonballs.
Lemmy: Oh darn.
Yarnliss presses a red button, and Magnus 2.0's chest opens up, revealing a cannon. The cannon sucks up the cannonballs, and shoots them at Lemmy. As soon as Lemmy wakes up, he sees that he's in a pit with spiked walls approaching him.
Lemmy: Aaah!
Doopliss: Oh, you're up? About time!
Lemmy: Let me out!
Doopliss: Nevah! Yarnliss!
Yarnliss kicks a glowing cow.
Cow: Moo!
Mapliss is turned to stone.
Doopliss: Darn it! It was supposed to turn Lemmy to stone! Try again!
Yarnliss kicks the cow again.
Cow: Moo!
Yarnliss turns to stone!
Doopliss: DARN IT!
Doopliss kicks the cow.
Moo!
Doopliss turns to stone.
Lemmy: Weird. Now how do I get out?
Meanwhile, a Boo that Lemmy forgot to suck up, appears, and presses a button. A ladder appears, and Lemmy climbs it. He also sucks up the Boo.
Lemmy: Now, what to do with these three? I know!
Lemmy pushes the petrified Duplighosts out the window, where they shatter upon impact with the ground.
Lemmy: Ha ha!
Lemmy tips the magical cow. This causes all the statues to return to normal,except for Doopliss, Mapliss, and Yarnliss. In town...
Vivian: Now I can continue doing that attack!
P.T.: Oh no you don't!
P.T. knocks Vivian out. Lemmy appears.
P.T.: What happened?
Lemmy: Read the chapter.
One chapter reading later...
P.T.: What about the Ruby Star?
Lemmy: 0_0
Lemmy goes back to Creepy Steeple, takes the Star, and comes back.
Lemmy: I got it!
P.T.: To Rogueport!
Lemmy and P.T. jump back into the pipe.
P.T.: You know, this chapter was short!
Lemmy: Probably making up for how long
the last one was!
Chapter 7: Pirates of the Keelhaul Key
Our heroes emerge from the pipe, and hop out of the giant hole Link made.
Lemmy: I see that Rogueport is still totaled.
P.T.: Why hasn't anyone fixed it?
Frankly walks up to our heroes.
Frankly: Link killed all the construction workers. Something about being Ganondorf's spies, or something. But he didn't kill anyone else, though. Weird.
Lemmy: What and where's the next Star?
Frankly: The Sapphire Star. It's on Keelhaul Key. Go to the bar/inn, and talk to Flavio.
Soon...
Flavio: You want me to what?
Lemmy: Take me and this tourist to Keelhaul Key.
P.T.: I'm not a tourist!
Lemmy: I mean on my website!
P.T.: Oh... But I'm also a Super Koopa!
Lemmy: But with only twenty-something votes. Anyway, take us to Keelhaul Key!
Flavio: Why would the richest man in Rogueport (me) take a couple of strangers (you) to Keelhaul Key, on my S.S. Flavion, with my crew?
Lemmy: I can tell my tourists to not use you in their submissions!
P.T.: You told me that the webmaster
joke was getting old when I sent the
prequel to you.
Lemmy: Fine. Flavio, if you don't I'll never get my mansion back. If you do, and I get it, I'll give you some of my fortune.
Flavio: Fine.
Soon, in the harbor...
Flavio: This is it! The S.S. Flavion! Ain't she a beaut?
P.T.: It's a boat.
Flavio: So?
P.T.: Are you... you know, "okay"?
Flavio punches P.T., who faints.
Pa-Patch: That's the first smart thing you've done all day!
Flavio: Silence!
Crump (in a horrible pirate disguise) walks up.
Crump: Hi. I'm Cru... Four-eyes!
Flavio: So?
Four-eyes: Take me to Keelhaul Key!
Flavio: Okay.
Lemmy: I had to bribe you to take me, but he just had to tell you to take him?
Flavio: Yep. All aboard, that's going aboard!
Lemmy and Four-eyes get on board. The boat starts moving, and P.T. wakes up.
P.T.: What happened last night? Aah! Don't forget me!
P.T. gets on the boat, just in time.
Lemmy: To Keelhaul Key!
One hour later...
Lemmy: Are we there yet?
Flavio: No. But we will be, in a few weeks.
Pa-Patch: No, it's a few days.
Flavio: Weeks.
Pa-Patch: Days.
Flavio: WEEKS!
Pa-Patch: DAYS!
One long argument later...
Flavio: What do you mean it actually is a few days?!
Green Toad: Well, my know-all book said that...
Flavio: Blast it all!
Suddenly, Gooper Blooper jumps out of the water, and onto the ship.
Flavio: Hey! You better not mess up my ship!
P.T.: Gooper Blooper?
Gooper: Yes! I'm back!
P.T.: We saw you before?
Gooper: Yeah. In Chapter 2.
Flashback (You know, there has been a lot of these, in this story)…
Mario comes, and defeats Gooper Blooper in the same way he did in Super Mario Sunshine.
Gooper Blooper: I'll be back!
Gooper Blooper dives underwater.
Mario: Now what, FLUDD?
End Flashback…
P.T.: Oh. You actually meant that?
Gooper: Yes!
P.T.: Oh. Dang.
Lemmy: Hmmm. Mario! Beat this guy up, again!
Mario appears.
Mario: No.
Mario goes back to that graveyard.
Four-eyes: Now for the Crump-a-bomb! I mean, Four-eyes-a-bomb.
Pa-Patch: You're not a bomb, Crump! Uh... I mean, Four-eyes! I didn't say that you were Crump, Crump! I mean Four-eyes!
Flavio, Lemmy, P.T., Four-eyes, Green Toad, Bomb Sailor, and Gooper: 0_0
Pa-Patch: I mean, let me do it!
Pa-Patch blows up on Gooper.
Gooper: Owie!
Gooper falls off the ship, and into the water. I don't think he'll ever be awake again.
Flavio: (Showoff.)
Two days, and one and a half nights later...
Flavio: I must tell you about the time I...
Bob-omb Sailor: We've heard that one!
Flavio: You didn't even know which one I was going to tell you about!
Green Toad: We've heard all the ones about the time you did something!
Flavio: Then I guess I'll have to start at the beginning. Fourscore and seven years ago, it was a dark and stormy night...
A bunch of ghosts appear.
P.T.: Lemmy, do something!
Lemmy sucks up the ghosts. But even more ghosts appear and toss the vacuum into the ocean.
Lemmy: Darn.
Pa-Patch: Run away!
Flavio: Nevah! I'll stay with my S.S. Flavion, forever!
P.T.: Once again, are you "okay"?
Flavio punches P.T., who once again faints.
Lemmy's Life: 8/30/2006
Dear Diary,
It's me, Lemmy. I haven't written in a while. I'm sorry about that. I lost my mansion, and must give some guys the Crystal Stars to get it back. I have five Crystal Stars out of seven. I have hope. I'm currently in my search for the Sapphire Star. I had to ride on a pirate ship with P.T., an eccentric entrepreneur named Flavio, a Crump look-alike named Four-eyes, a Bob-omb pirate named Pa-Patch, and a random Toad and Bob-omb.
However, the ship we were on got attacked the other night. We all escaped, except for Flavio and P.T. Flavio refused to abandon ship, and P.T. was knocked out, thus not being able to move.
Fortunately, the rest of us swam to a shore that was half a mile away. And what do you know? It was Keelhaul Key! The very place we were going to! I wonder how Flavio and P.T. are doing. Or if they're even alive. Oh well. I didn't really like them, anyway. I'm going to wait on the shore for them to arrive. If they don't come by 4 o' clock, I'm going to look for the Sapphire Star on my own.
-Lemmy
Lemmy is waiting for Flavio and P.T. on the shore of Keelhaul Key.
Lemmy: Why am I waiting for these two, again?
Lemmy: Because you have to.
Lemmy: Huh?
Lemmy: Sorry. I'm the Lemmy from the other dimension. I'll be going back, now. I have to go wait for the P.T. and Flavio from the other dimension. On the Keelhaul Key from the other dimension. C-ya!
Lemmy: How'd you say "C-ya"?
But Lemmy's question can't be answered, because the other Lemmy left, and Flavio and P.T. wash up on shore.
Lemmy: Finally!
P.T.: Well sorry, I was unconscious!
Lemmy: Apology unaccepted.
P.T.: Darn. So, where on this DAD-forsaken island is the Sapphire Star?
Lemmy: I don't know. I think the rock formations on the other side of the island looks suspicious.
On the way to the other side of the island...
P.T.: Why are you coming?
Flavio: I'm going to try to find Cortez's treasure.
P.T.: Cortez?
Flavio: A pirate ghost with a vast hoard of treasure.
P.T.: Pirate… ghost?
Lemmy: Well, you enjoy your ghost's treasure. We're going to look for the Sapphire Star.
Flavio: I think Cortez had a blue star-thing.
Lemmy: I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
Flavio: Kind of sparkling, as if it were a jewel.
Lemmy: There are lots of blue, star-shaped jewels out there.
Flavio: Looked like the other Crystal Stars, only blue.
Lemmy: I KNOW! ANY READER COULD SEE IT COMING, AS SOON AS YOU MENTIONED CORTEZ! I JUST DON'T WANT TO FIGHT CORTEZ! I'M SCARED OF GHOSTS!
P.T.: For how long?
Lemmy: Ever since they took my vacuum.
Soon, they make it to the part with the two mustachioed rocks and a skull shape on the wall.
Lemmy: I think we have to put something in one of the skull's eyes.
P.T. takes Flavio's skull gem, and puts it in one of the skull shape's eyes. Soon, the mustachioed rock's eyes start glowing.
Lemmy: How'd you know to do that?
P.T.: Stroke of genius. Too bad that'll never happen again... :(
Lemmy whacks his ball into the certain spots on the mustachioed rocks. Then, a secret...
Lemmy: FORGET THIS! I JUST WANT TO GO IN, GET THE STAR, AND GET OUT!
P.T.: I can help.
P.T. uses Flavio and Lemmy as a battering ram to get in. It works.
Flavio and Lemmy: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
P.T.: Shut up.
Flavio: Uh, listen guys. I'd like to get Cortez's treasure as much as you, but...
Lemmy: No. I just want to get the Star, without fighting him.
Flavio: ... But I have to go... uh... make sure the others are okay. C-ya!
Flavio runs away like a mad man.
Lemmy: (How does everyone say C-ya?)
So, they start exploring the cave. Eventually, they find an abandoned ship. Onboard...
Black Chest: Give me the key, and you get candy.
P.T.: CANDY!
A ghost appears, holding the key.
Lemmy: AAAAH!
Ghost: (Hmmm. A candy freak, and a coward. I must go easy on them.) Ah. You beat me. You got the key.
The ghost disappears and drops the key out of pity.
Lemmy: Hmmm. We must be getting good at this.
Lemmy unlocks the box.
Spirit: Fo0o0oooooooooooo0oooooo0ooolllllls!!!
P.T.: Awww. My first cut and paste. Someone get me a camera!
Lemmy: Aren't you supposed to curse us?
P.T.: Or give us candy?
Spirit: When I cursed Mario, it helped him. When I gave candy to Morgan Freeman, he had a heart attack, and I got sued!
The spirit flies away.
Lemmy: How are we supposed to get around without getting eaten by Nibbles now?
P.T.: I...
Lemmy: Other than using me as a boat.
P.T.: Darn. Wait, why not use your shell as a boat?
Lemmy: That's too embarrassing.
P.T.: I got all-purpose bait from Link...
Lemmy: Good.
Lemmy throws some bait at a certain spot, and the Nibbles gather there.
Lemmy: Now to swim by, while they're distracted.
They do so. Soon, they're in a room with Toad and Pianta skeletons on a wrecked boat.
Lemmy: Hmm. I wonder if... nah.
They swim into the next room. In there, they see a wrecked ghost ship, and get on. Before they enter...
Four-eyes: Hey! Guys!
Four-eyes swims into the room.
Four-eyes: I just wanted to wish you luck, before going onto that Ghost ship. And that I totally believe that you can get that star-thing you spoke of. (Yeah. So then I can take it, and give it to Grodus, so you'll never get your mansion back.)
Lemmy: Uh, thanks.
Inside Cortez's room...
P.T.: Oh. My. DAD. Look at all the treasure! Wario would feel like he was in heaven, in here!
Cortez appears.
Cortez: Arrgh! You must be the pizza boys with my pepperoni-deluxe! At last!
P.T.: No. Just the local Crystal Star hunters.
Cortez: Lies!
Audience: Pies!
Dark: My thing. *sniff*
Lemmy: How long was your Interview audience following us?
P.T.: Uhhh... Not the whole time, if that's what you're thinking! Because it wasn't! (Phew. He almost figured it out!)
Lemmy: (Ha ha ha. He thinks I have no idea. Oh, how I like to see him struggle!) Cortez, we just want the blue, star-shaped thing. So if you let us have it, we'll just be on our way...
Cortez: Liars!
Cortez turns into his full skeleton form, with the four arms and stuff.
Cortez: Die!
P.T.: Wait, what happened to your accent?
Cortez: Oh, Nintendo just added that, for fun. I don't really have one. Die!
Cortez throws his sword at Lemmy, who dodges. He throws his rapier at Lemmy, and it hits his ball, which pops.
Lemmy: Why does my ball keep popping?
Lemmy freezes two of Cortez's four arms, the ones with the saber and the hook.
P.T.: You don't seem to be afraid of this guy. You said you were afraid of ghosts.
Lemmy: Well, he seems to be more of a skeleton than a ghost. I'm not scared of skeletons.
P.T. gets hit with the sword hand. Good thing he didn't hit him with the blade.
P.T.: Night-night.
P.T. faints.
Lemmy: Wait a second! I have a spare anti-skeleton pebble!
Lemmy throws the pebble at Cortez. All that's left is the skull and the bone pile.
Lemmy: No more pebbles. Darn.
Cortez: Ha ha!
Lemmy: But I have this!
Lemmy pulls out a Chomp Call whistle, and blows it. Soon, a bunch of Chomps appear, and take bones away from the bone pile.
Cortez: Aaah! My bone pile! But the joke's on you! All that's left of me is my skull! No Chomp ever takes skulls!
Lemmy: Really?
Lemmy pulls out a Red Chomp Call, and blows it. Soon, a Red Chomp appears, looking like it wants Cortez's skull.
Cortez: Woah, little guy! I get it! You can have the treasure! As much as you want! Just don't let that Chomp get me!
Lemmy: As tempting as that sounds, I just wanted the Star.
Cortez: You mean the blue star jewel thing? Why didn't you say so? I thought you wanted some of the important pieces of treasure! I was looking for a way to get rid of it, and I guess that's where you and your unconscious friend come in!
Lemmy: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Cortez somehow gives Lemmy the Sapphire Star.
Cortez: You might want to wake your friend up. Now get out.
Cortez disappears. Lemmy puts the Star down to wake P.T. up, but as he does so, Four-eyes quickly comes and takes the Star. In the room with the Pianta and Toad skeletons...
Four-eyes: That was so easy! Now to escape.
Four-eyes throws a grenade at the wall, which creates a hole. He walks through that hole. Just as he gets out, Lemmy and P.T. enter.
P.T.: So what do you think happened to the Sapphire Star, again?
Lemmy: I told you! Shroobs came, and took it!
P.T.: Hey, why is there a hole in the wall?
Lemmy: Huh?
Lemmy sees that there's a hole in the wall. They go through, to find out that they are west of the shantytown.
Lemmy: Well I'll be! We made a circle!
Flavio: You're back! I wish I could've been there. But I had to make sure the others were...
Pa-Patch: He was too scared to follow you.
Flavio: >:(
Green Toad: Where's Four-eyes?
Lemmy: Huh?
Bomb Sailor: He followed you two. I thought he was with you.
Flavio, Pa-Patch, and Green Toad: Me too.
Soon, an X-Naut battleship appears in the water. Four-eyes is on the bow.
Four-eyes: Ha! I can't believe you fell for it!
X-Bots (remember, these replace the late X-Nauts): Ha ha ha ha ha.
Lemmy: Give us the Crystal Star!
Four-eyes: You can't have it!
P.T.: We don't want that. We just want some bubblegum! Bazooka-zooka, bubblegum! Bazooka-zooka, bubblegum!
Flavio, Pa-Patch, and the Toad and Bob-omb join in the chant. Lemmy, Four-eyes, and the X-Bots stare at them in confusion.
Four-eyes: (How did these guys trump me in previous chapters?) Listen! It may have been obvious to the reader, but not to you pinheads. So, I'm going to reveal myself, now.
Four-eyes spins around real fast to reveal that he's actually Lord Crump! Dum dum dum dum!
Lemmy, P.T., and Flavio's crew: Gasp!
Crump: Fire!
The ship starts shooting cannonballs out of the cannons. The cannonballs barely miss our heroes. And Lemmy and P.T.
Flavio: Aaaah! We're doomed! I want my blankie! And some casserole.
Pa-Patch: I hate to admit it, but Flavio is right.
Flavio: I can't have you agree with me! So I'm going to prove you wrong, by making sure we all survive! Follow me!
Pa-Patch: (Works every time.)
Everyone follows Flavio into the hole that Lemmy and P.T. came out of. Soon, they are on Cortez's ship, outside his room.
Flavio: Okay. Lemmy and P.T., come with me.
Soon, they are in Cortez's room. Cortez appears.
Cortez: You two again? And you brought a friend?
Flavio: 0_0 (Oh my DAD! He looks so scary!) Listen, I have a favor to ask. Could we please barrow your ship?
Cortez: Why?
Flavio: Because some chump outside named Crump is trying to blast us all to pieces!
Cortez: Not my problem.
Flavio: Hmm. These two trounced you good, right?
Cortez: Yeah. Is this going somewhere?
Flavio: Well, if you don't let us use your ship, I'll make sure that they make sure you wish you were never born! Because they'll smack, punch, kick, jab...
P.T.: Uh, Flavio? Why are you bringing us into this?
Flavio: ...and they might even summon a Red Chomp on you!
Cortez: Fine! Fine! Just do me one favor. Return to me what your ancestors have taken.
Flavio: Darn.
Flavio gives a copy of Super Mario Sunshine to Cortez.
Cortez: Okay. Is your crew onboard?
Flavio: Yeah.
Cortez: Good. To battle!
Outside...
Crump: They can't hide in there forever!
X-Bot: Sir, calculations say that they have contacted a giant, floating, skull-shaped object.
Crump: Bad feeling.
Soon, Cortez's ghost ship crashes through the wall. Both ships circle each other. Pirates of the Caribbean’s theme starts playing. In case you didn't know, that's where I got the name for this chapter.
Cortez: Ghost pirates! Attack!
Crump: X-Bots! Attack!
Soon, generic minions from both sides are facing off.
P.T.: You will NEVER see a stranger sight.
Flavio: Hurry! While he's distracted!
Lemmy and P.T. go over to Crump, and take the Sapphire Star out of his pocket.
Crump: Hey!
P.T. throws a boomerang at Crump as he runs back to Cortez's ship. Lemmy follows, and unfortunately Crump does, too.
Crump: Give it back!
Cortez appears in front of Crump, letting our heroes get away.
Cortez: You have been a bad boy, Crump!
Crump wets himself.
Crump: Darn. Good thing I have a potato chip necklace! You can't help but stay away!
Cortez: Just the opposite. >:)
Cortez and his ghosts maul Crump. They also reduce his ship to a small piece of scrap metal.
Cortez: Let that be a lesson to you!
Flavio: Don't mess with the pirates of the Keelhaul Key!
Everyone but Crump: ARGH!
Crump: Aaaah!
Crump takes an arm from a destroyed X-Bot, and uses it as an oar to row back to Rogueport.
Soon...
Cortez: Ha! That felt good!
Pa-Patch: Listen, guys. I think I like it here. I'm staying.
Green Toad and Bom-omb Sailor: Me too.
So, the ship sails back to Rogueport, leaving Pa-Patch and the others to start a new civilization on Keelhaul Key.
CRUMP'S SIDE! For the last time.
Crump finally finishes rowing to Rogueport.
Crump: Well that worked like a dream. Not! I guess that even though they appear to be "special", they are a force to be reckoned with.
Magnus Von Grapple music plays, and Crump answers his cell phone.
Crump: Hello?
Grodus: Hello, Crump. How did it go?
Crump: I failed.
Grodus: -
Crump: But it wasn't my fault! They teamed up with a ghost-skeleton-pirate thing!
Grodus: I guess. But now the only Star left is the Garnet Star.
Crump: Maybe I could-
Grodus: No. I'm not taking any chances. I'm sending the Shadow Sirens to go get it. You are to go back to the base and wash the dishes for your constant failures!
King Boo: And give me a backrub!
Crump: Darn.
Crump hangs up.
Crump: Hmm. Maybe Grodus will trust me again, if I do my jobs really good! He might even give me a raise! I'm off!
Crump goes into the sewers, then into the building that will teleport him to the base.