Leg 10, Part 3
Larry and Corpse - Glitzville
Larry is in the minor league locker room around Iggy's corpse. The nice Glitz Pit fighters are surrounding the body, King K. actually patting Larry on the back and trying to comfort him. The Armored Harriers, however, are less than sympathetic.
Larry: Iggy... I know we had some bad times, but you have to pull through, man!
Larry then has several flashbacks about all of those times at Roy's Sports Hall, about Mega Loser and Loser, and he and Iggy, back in action in the middle of the race. However...
Iggy: Uh... Larry? Why are you crying?
Sir Swoop: *gasp* A ZOMBIE!
Larry: IGGY!
Iggy: LARRY!
Both hug in an extremely dramatic fashion. Appropriate "Aw"ing can be heard from everyone in the room, except Sir Swoop, who is scared of zombies.
Larry: What happened?
Iggy: Well...
FLASHBACK TIME!
Iggy is running through the Underwhere, and eventually meets Queen Jaydes.
Queen Jaydes: YOU! TV SHOW GUY! I WANNA FINISH WATCHING THIS FINALE THING, SO GET BACK UP THERE! AND IF THIS IS IN A FLASHBACK, YOUR SOUL WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU SHOWED THIS SCENE!
Iggy: K
Queen Jaydes: GameoverGameoverGameoverGameover... CONTINUE!
Iggy's soul is warped back to his body.
Iggy: Uh... Larry? Why are you crying?
Sir Swoop: *gasp* A ZOMBIE!
End Flashback
Larry: So good to have you back, anyway.
Iggy: Yeah... LET'S FIGHT!
Grubba: All right boys, follow me.
Grubba leads Team Head to the center of the Glitz Pit, where Boolossus and Giant Dry Bones await.
Grubba: I'M TIRED OF INTRODUCTIONS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! IN ONE CORNER, WE HAVE TWO LOSERS STILL IN THIS!
Iggy: THAT'S MEGA LOSER TO YOU!
Larry: *sigh* Same old Iggy...
Grubba: AND IN THAT OTHER CORNER, IT'S THE LOSERS THAT REALLY STUNK IT UP BAD IN THE FIRST EPISODE!
Boolossus: WATER!
Giant Dry Bones: WARP!
Team Head: You're STILL fighting?!
Team Big: YES! HEY! I SAID IT FIRST! NO I DID! YOU COPYCAT!
Grubba: LET'S GET READY TO... No wait, that's copywrited... IT'S A... No wait, that's copywrited and makes no sense... WHATEVER! LOSERS, FIGHT!
DING! DING! DING!
Larry kicks Giant Dry Bones's femur out of place, causing him to fall to pieces.
Grubba: THE BONE GUY IS DOWN!
Boolossus: HOW DARE YOU?! NOW WHO WILL I ARGUE WITH?! DIE!
Boolossus starts actually fighting by summoning a large, blue flame to the battlefield.
Iggy: Shiny... but worthless. WHIRLING FORTRESS!
Larry: WITH A POLLENATED BOOST!
Boolossus: WHAT?! GAAAAAAHHHHH!
Poof
Grubba: THE LOSERS WIN BY SPREADING SOME SORT OF ANTI-GHOST POLLEN ONTO THE GIGA GHOST! NEXT TEAM!
Wart and Shy Guy jump onto the stage.
Shy Guy: Payback time...
Wart: You're croakin' up the wrong tree, kids! Now bow before your king!
Grubba: BAATTTTTTTTLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!!!
Wart begins by spewing out a huge stream of bubbles at his foes. However, Larry is easily able to deflect these back at the frog king with his tennis racket, and at double speed. Wart chokes on the bubbles for a couple seconds, but quickly comes back to his senses. However, he doesn't recover quickly enough, as Iggy pushes him out of Glitzville by making his arm giant.
Larry: Why didn't you do that against Game Guy?
Iggy: I forgot I could do that!
Shy Guy: Oh... uh... Oh my, look at the time!
Shy Guy, scared of the giant arm, runs away like he always does. However, he drops his slingshot before he leaves.
Grubba: TEAM HEAD WINS BY DEFAULT! NEXT PAIR OF LOSERS!
Peach is carried in on a throne by Toad.
Toad: I will get back at you as soon as this is over...
Peach: OH SHUT UP AND FIGHT, SLAVE!
Grubba: BATTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Larry: So, whadya going to do, wimp?
Toad: This.
Toad pulls out his famous bazooka.
Team Head: Oh ####.
Iggy and Larry go running as Toad attempts to destroy them completely with the bazooka. Peach is clapping her hands in joy while eating a honey-roasted turkey.
Team Garlic - Inside a Boss Bass
Wario: ALL RIGHT, TIME TO BUST OUT OF HERE!
Wario, still in his ridiculous Warioman outfit, bursts out of the Boss Bass' mouth. He lands on an island filled with bear traps, lasers, and a minefield. Waluigi escapes from the fish out of fear and starts hanging onto Wario's towel, which is a lot wetter now. Behind all of the dangerous equipment, there is a building saying "Wendy's Mall. IT'S AWESOME!"
Wario: Just how I wanted it...
Waluigi: WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT?!
Plit: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT?!
The Dryest Bones: WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT?! WARIO CHOSE THE DUMB CHALLENGE OVER THE FIGHTING CHALLENGE?! IS THIS THE END OF PLIT OR SOMETHING?!
Waluigi: IT'S THE SCARIEST THING EVER! BESIDES THAT ROCK! THE END OF THE WORLD! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Wario: Seriously, I'M THE BEST AT FASHION!
There are many muffled laughs from practically all of our viewers and the staff due to Wario's ugly superhero costume.
Wario: Let's-a go!
Wario tries to break through the island's defenses. However, he accidentally steps on a mine, causing a huge explosion. Waluigi runs around like a startled deer, setting off hundreds of mines and making multiple lasers strike the Wario Bros. After running through about 30 bear traps each, the Wario Bros. are trapped on the ground, subject to laser torment.
Waluigi: SO MUCH SCARY PAIN! WAAAHHHHHH!!!
Wario: Waluigi... I officially hate you more than ever right now.
As his costume begins to burn off, Wario notices three bodies being flung into the mall through a stained glass window of Wendy. He then struggles harder than ever to get out, while Waluigi remains trapped.
Team Muddy - Mall Challenge
Wendy: YOU idiots against US?!
Susan: HA! YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE!
Petey: Whatever, I wanted this anyway...
Boomer: You DID?! I mean seriously, the fighting one...
Susan: GO!
Wendy and Susan run into a beautification factory, while Petey just walks up to his test subject, which is an extremely ugly Goomba. The five judges look at him in confusion.
Multiss Guy: These buffoons have no chance.
Harhall: Agreed 100 PERCENT. THEY LACK MY WONDER! I HATE THEM FOR IT!
Dimentio: Ah hah hah... Their fashion sense fails like a complete newb attempting to be l33t on Gamefaqs.
Karma: That was completely stupid and useless, you dumb clown. However, I do agree with it.
Playful: *yawn* This bores me... If you need me, I'll be at the fish market.
Petey just stands there as time runs out, while Wendy and Susan have made a completely beautiful Mushroomer. Boomer is completely freaking out, but hopes that Petey will come to his senses and go to the Brawl challenge.
Multiss Guy: I WOULD DATE THAT DAME! 10/10!
Harhall: The colors are a bit flashy for my tastes, but the hair is FABULOUS! 8/10
Dimentio: The beauty of the Mushroomer is equivalent to a rose shining from a singular beam of sunlight, dripping wet from a rainstorm. 9/10!
Karma: UGH! Men and their stereotypes... So girly. 5/10.
Playful: I'll give you a 10 if you let me finish my fish!
OVERALL: 8/10 (Not an average)
Wendy: WHAT?! WHY ALL YOU LITTLE...
Susan: Wendy, it's not like we lost.
Multiss Guy: You haven't done anything with the Goomba.
Petey: Of course not.
The mall's lights darken. Before anyone can understand what's going on, a spotlight falls on Petey.
Petey: We don't need beautification products to make ourselves beautiful. We are each beautiful, wonderful people on the inside... except for Bowser, who's still ugly no matter how you look at it. This Goomba is the most wonderful and beautiful creature you shall ever know, even if you can't see it right now.
The spotlight fades off of Petey, revealing 5 shocked judges and three shocked shoppers.
Bommer: DUDE!
Multiss Guy: That *sob* was beautiful.
Harhall: You have touched my wonderfully decorated heart.
Dimentio: Your words ring true like a child who hasn't seen the evils of the world, or a country music video.
Karma: That was... amazing.
Playful: Well, I know I'M beautiful... but that Goomba looks tasty enough to let you slide.
OVERALL SCORE: 10 (an average)
Wendy and Susan: WHAT?! THAT WAS PATHETIC!
Dimentio: You two are sore losers, like a-
Wendy and Susan: FORGET IT! AND STOP THE SIMILES!
Multiss Guy: We are *sob* honored to give you this clue.
Petey: Thank you...
However, before he can grab the clue, Wario breaks through the window and steals it extremely quickly. Faster than the blink of an eye, he escapes and lands next to Waluigi.
Wario: WAH HAH HAH! I GOT THE FINAL CHALLENGE CLUE! AND IT'S... HOW IS THIS FROM A MARIO GAME?!
While Wario ponders the meaning of the clue, there's a lot of chaos in the mall.
Mulliss Guy: Well... uh... Harhall, get a clue out of the backroom.
Harhall: WHAT?! THAT ROOM HAS SPIDERS! I refuse to get my figure dirty!
Multiss Guy: Dimentio?
Dimentio: My apologies, shy one, but I must be off...
Dimentio teleports away.
Multiss Guy: Karma?
Karma: Go do it yourself!
Multiss Guy: Play... Never mind. I'd rather not have the Death Stare of Death. FINE! I'll go get it!
Petey: Why don't we go get it?
Multiss Guy: BECAUSE THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES! Be back in a bit!
Multiss Guy enters a backroom that looks like it stretches on forever. Horrible screaming is heard a few seconds afterwards.
Boomer: That is SO weak...
Team Head - Brawl Challenge
Eventually, Toad runs out of ammo. However, Larry and Iggy look pretty beat from exhaustion.
Toad: A little help? I've run out of attacks here!
Peach: Oh fine!
Peach grabs Toad and uses him as a shield, like her Super Smash Bros. move. This causes Toad to spew out spores when Larry claws him, hurting both greatly.
Toad: Look at the stars...
Toad faints.
Peach: Oh, just forget this. Toad's an idiot. I'm going back to baking cakes that I CAN EAT MYSELF! YES! That'll be peachy!
Peach claps her hands together in joy and walks off the stage.
Grubba: Uh... THE LOSER KOOPAS WIN!
Iggy: Loser Koopas?
Grubba: Here boys, take these Ultra Shrooms! The folks out there are LOVING the brawling, so we're goin' to keep you here as long as possible!
The Koopalings eat the Shrooms easily, regaining their stamina.
Grubba: BRING IN THE NEXT LOSERS!
Bogmire and Rudy the Clown walk onto the stage. However, many of Rudy's trinkets look melted from Bowser's stomach acid.
Grubba: BATTTTTTTLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! *pant, pant*
Bogmire: I'LL DEFEAT THEM!
Rudy: That's the spirit, spirit!
Bogmire: With the power of... MUSIC!
Rudy: WHAT?!
Bogmire suddenly materializes a microphone.
Bogmire: Death is a Highway and I wanna ride it all night long! If you're goin' my way I wanna drive it all night long...
While Bogmire sings, Iggy takes out a couple of floorboards and a small fan. Eventually, he makes a makeshift vacuum and sucks the ghoul into the machine.
Bogmire: Thank you, folks... GOOD NIGHT!
POOF!
Rudy: Gr... You fools are making me very angry! MUSICAL STRENGTH!
Suddenly, all of the musical notes from Bogmire's song go into Rudy's mouth. Huge musical notes begin fluttering around him, and he becomes a giant with two golden fists.
Rudy: PREPARE TO DIE, FOOLS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Larry slashes Rudy with his claw, actually releasing a hole of hot air from Rudy. The clown then starts flying around like a deflating balloon until he falls right out of the arena.
Grubba: KOOPA LOSERS ARE THE PATHETIC WINNERS! NEXT!
King Boo floats onto the stage.
Grubba: Wasn't there supposed to be two of you?
King Boo: She's gone to I dunno where.
Grubba: Who's she?
King Boo: ... You know, I don't remember anymore.
Grubba: Oh well... BATTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!!!
Iggy sucks up King Boo just like he did Bogmire. Then, the vacuum explodes.
Iggy: Aw man...
Grubba: KOOPA LOSERS WIN! NEXT!
Yoshi and Birdo roll onto the stage in eggs. They then burst out and throw firework-creating eggs into the air. The embers from the fireworks slowly begin to fall.
Grubba: BATTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Larry throws a cookie out of the arena. Yoshi is still hungry, so he runs out, and Birdo still loves Yoshi, so she follows.
Grubba: KOOPA LOSERS WIN! NEXT!
Chief Chilly appears.
Grubba: What happened to you?
Chief Chilly: Goomboss jumped in the ocean on his way here.
Grubba: DISQUALIFIED! NEXT!
Tatanga and The King float onto the stage in the Conquerer's warship.
Grubba: This looks interesting.
Larry: *gulp*
Grubba: BATTTTTTLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Tatanga shoots out a missile that immediately destroys Chief Chilly.
Iggy: *gulp*
Iggy and Larry are frozen in place due to fear. However, the embers from Yoshi's egg-splosion jump on their hair, setting them on fire. Both begin running around like morons as Tatanga fails to shoot them with homing missiles.
Tatanga: GAAAHHHH!!! SHOOT THE LASERS!
The King tasers himself.
Tatanga: GAAAAHHHH!!! IDIOT! I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!
Tatanga's missiles stop as a rapid-fire laser gun begins shooting out of the front cannon of the ship. However, Larry and Iggy are just running too darn fast, and all of the lasers miss. Eventually...
Ship: WARNING! OVERHEAT!
Tatanga: GAH! I LOOK WORSE THAN THAT FAWFUL FREAK NOW! Must... keep... fanbase...
The King: OH! WHAT'S THIS BUTTON!
*press*
Ship: Self-destruct activated.
Tatanga: I hate you...
The ship explodes in a very tiny explosion (yes, we aren't showing the explosion this time). For some reason, Tatanga and The King still go flying... an inch out of the ring.
Grubba: KOOPA LOSERS WIN! NEXT!
Bowser jumps onto the stage, while a capsule-stuffed Kamek rolls on.
Bowser: I keep my promises.
Grubba: I remember you... YOU WAS AWESOME! BATTTTTTTTLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Iggy: Uh... You was awesome?
Grubba: You're just angry at my gooder speeling skittles!
Larry: King Dad, you aren't going to beat us up, right?
Bowser: Let me think... YES! YOU'RE THE REASON I LOST! And then you go to the dungeon!
Iggy: Please King Dad, spare us?
Bowser: Sorry, kid, but I'm being paid to do this, so... TAKE THIS!
Bowser misses horribly with a giant stream of fire.
Larry: King Dad... your aim is a little off.
Bowser: KAPSULE KOOPA, NOW!
Kamek: Kapsule Koopa, witty...
Kap... I mean, Kamek casts a magical spell on the giant fireball hovering in the middle of the stage.
Everyone Else: WHEN DID THAT GET THERE?!
Kamek: Well, first it was that blue flame that Boolossus used. Then it got bigger thanks to Shy Guy's slingshot, Toad's missiles, Bogmire's music, Yoshi and Birdo's eggs, one of the cookies you threw, tons of weapons from Tatanga, Lord Bowser's flame breath, and Grubba's hot air.
Grubba: HEY!
Kamek: TAKE THIS!
Kamek launches the giant fireball at the Koopalings, immediately defeating them with one fell swoop.
Grubba: AND THERE GOES THE BATTLE! IGGY AND LARRY WILL HAVE TO GET UP IN THE NEXT HOUR, OR THEY'RE DISQUALIFIED! FEEL FREE TO BUY HOTDOGS!
Bowser: OOH! HOTDOGS!
Everyone leaves to buy Hotdogs.
|i]Teams Garlic and Muddy - Wendy's Island
Multiss Guy walks out with literally... many spider bites.
Multiss Guy: The things I do... Just take your clue!
Boomer snatches it.
Boomer: The final Freezie is... Does this count as Mario?
Petey: I dunno. But it's hard, so I'll do it.
The Dryest Bones: This is the final Freezie challenge. In it, teams must travel to Beijing, China on Earth. Yes, that's right, teams must go to Earth. There, they must compete against Team Sonic in the 2008 Olympic Games. I know that most teams will fail miserably in defeating the lowly Sonic characters, so all they need to do is earn ONE gold medal in order to pass. At that point, Lakitu will hand teams their final clue.
Petey: As I said before, I'm off!
Boomer: Choco Mountain is the closest pipe to Earth.
Petey: I'M ON IT!
Sadly, Petey is very far away from Choco Mountain. Wario finally comes to his senses that this challenge is from Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, and starts charging through the trap-infested ocean. Waluigi remains subject to several lasers and Boomer begins shopping with the girls for a chance to hit on them. However, neither Wario nor Petey get anywhere close to the warp pipe to Earth.
Team Head - Brawl Challenge
Iggy and Larry remain unconscious as they enter their last minute of... er... not being disqualified.
Grubba: Three... two... on...
Suddenly, Iggy and Larry spring to life.
Grubba: ...e! Well, you fellers are sure full o' surprises!
Kamek: THAT SHOULD'VE KNOCKED YOU OUT FOR AT LEAST EIGHT HOURS! WHAT WENT WRONG?!
Iggy and Larry reveal Life Shrooms from their shells.
Iggy: After my little "accident", we had this planned just in case.
Bowser: Why didn't I think of that? HOW DARE YOU NOT DO THAT FOR ME, KAMEK?! FRY!
Bowser tries to completely destroy his old mentor. After multiple 3rd-degree burns, Kamek falls out of the ring. Bowser then grabs him and piledrives him to the ground... 5,000 feet underneath Glitzville.
Grubba: THE KOOPA LOSERS WIN! Er... THE SHRIMPY KOOPA LOSERS WIN!
Iggy: Oh, that's it, Clubba Brain, it's clobberin' time!
Iggy tries to throw a punch at Grubba, when Mario stops him. Suddenly, the sun affixiates itself so that Mario is covered in shadow, to make it look more dramatic.
Meanwhile...
Angry Sun: 10,000 coins! And all for dramatic effect! Now THAT'S awesome!
Back in the Glitz Pit...
Grubba: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK THE GRRRRRRREAT GONZALES! And clone.
Everyone cheers for the former Glitz Pit Champion.
Luigi: CLONE?!
Grubba: Shut up, green guy.
Mario: Yeah, shut up!
Luigi: I am seriously going to destroy you!
Mario: I'm-a Gonzales!
Grubba: BATTTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Iggy tries to hit Mario with his claw, but Mario dodges by... tap dancing?
Grubba: HOLY GUACAMOLE! GONZALES HAS GOT HIMSELF A NEW BAG OF TRICKS! And... they're dumber than a drunken' fighter at the Juice Bar!
Meanwhile, Luigi is wrestling Larry... ACTUALLY wrestling. Both are just grabbing each other and trying to knock each other down, but to no avail.
Grubba: AND THE LEAFY GREENS ARE AS PATHETIC AS EVER!
Luigi and Larry: PATHETIC?!
Both suddenly up the ante. Larry begins charging up some sort of green fireball on his tennis racquet, while Luigi holds his hands together, building up a huge amount of energy. Meanwhile, Iggy is still trying to hit Mario, but the plumber can just dance too darn fast.
Mario: MARIO'S THE SUPERSTAR! AH HAH HAH!
Now Mario is dancing on Iggy's head. Of course, since Mario doesn't really know what dancing is, he just starts shooting fireballs, setting Iggy's hair on fire.
Grubba: AND GONZALES IS UNLEASHIN' SOME SORTA CRAZY FIRE MOVE! And the wimps are... HOLY HURTIN' HOOPSTERS!
At this point, Larry has a fireball twice his size on his racquet, while Luigi has a giant ball of thunder in his hands.
Luigi: THUNDERHAAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD!!!
Larry: Keep goin', I dares ya!
Luigi charges forward with his attack. However, just before his hand makes contact with Larry's body, he is flung into the air.
Grubba: WHAT ON PLIT?!
Luigi: HEY! GET ME-A DOWN FROM HERE!
Larry: Nope, you just fell for the dumbest trick in the book.
Luigi looks at his foot, revealing a small rope tied to the ceiling.
Larry: Spy technique number 3... IGGY, GET OVER HERE!
Iggy runs over to Larry as Mario keeps fireballing the ground, even though he's hitting nothing.
Larry: Game, set, and match!
Larry serves his giant fireball at Luigi. It is so monumentally powerful that the plumber's mustache actually burns off before the ball makes contact. Obviously, there's a lot of screaming and such, and it looks like Luigi is a burnt stick by the time that the fireball's done with him. He then falls into the crowd.
Mario: I'm-a Mario!
Mario jumps out of the ring, leaving Luigi as a prize trophy for one lucky fan.
Grubba: GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! THE LOSERS HAVE WON AGAIN!
Koopalings: OH YEAH! WE RULE!
Grubba: Now, this would usually be the part where you guys'd fight the powerful losers, Lemmy and Ludwig, but they're relaxin' more than a fat guy on Super Size Sunday! So, you boys get a free pass for that battle, AND YOU ARE THE CHAMPIONS!
The crowd cheers so loud that it cannot be represented by anything that I can possibly type.
Grubba: 'ere's your clue, boys. Ya have definitely earned it with that last attack.
Iggy rips open the clue.
Larry: Olympics... WITH SONIC?!
Iggy: Well, at least I could probably win the High Jump... so I'll give it a shot.
Larry: Where's the nearest warp pipe to Earth, Grubba?
Grubba: How'd ya know I know 'bout stuff like that?
Larry: One, because you just told me. Two, because you obviously have studied from some Earth wrestling figures.
Grubba: Yer pretty crafty there, kid. I respects that greatly. The nearest warpin' pipe is somewhere in that waterin' hole, all right?
Larry: Good buff, Clubba... IGGY!
Iggy: I'm off!
Iggy uses a quick teleportation spell to get him out of the Glitz Pit without having to get mauled by fans.
Iggy: It's a short teleport, but it's quite useful!
The twin Koopaling then dashes off toward the watering hole. However, once he gets inside the water…
Glitzville Security: What do you think you're doing?
Iggy: Uh... Looking for a warp pipe.
Glitzville Security: That's highly classified information. Where'd you learn it, kid?
Iggy: Mr. Grubba, sir!
Glitzville Security: Grubba is a treacherous dog who does not deserved to be mentioned by a surname. You're going to have to come with me, son!
Before Iggy can retaliate, another security guard tasers him in the back.
Glitzville Security: Is that legal?
Other Glitzville Security: If you're wearing the suit, anything's legal.
Glitzville Security: That's logical.
The Glitzville Security guys go and throw Iggy in the Storage Room, which has been transformed into a solitary confinement.
Iggy: Bzzt… Why...Bzzt... me?
Petey and Wario - Choco Mountain
Petey and Wario are hiking up a giant mountain made out of chocolate. Of course, Petey is much stronger than Wario, so he's much higher than the fat one is.
Wario: HEY! SLOW-A DOWN!
Petey: What was that? You going down? All right, if you insist...
Petey trickles down a small stream of mud. Wario struggles to keep his hands on the mountain, but he eventually loses his grip and falls down the mountain.
Wario: I HATE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Petey: Loser.
The mutant Piranha Plant finishes hiking up the mountain, when he sees a sign.
Petey: Huh? "Pipe moved to bottom of mountain due to Mega Mole problems." WHAT DOES IT MEAN BY THAT?! THE SECRETS ON A MOUNTAIN LEVEL ARE ALWAYS AT THE TOP!
Petey looks down and sees that Wario has fallen into the pipe to Earth.
Petey: You have GOT to be kidding me.
Wario - Brooklyn
Wario ends up in the middle of Brooklyn. Sadly, the warp pipe was hidden behind a large cloud in the sky, and the fat one plummets down into awful traffic.
Driver: GET OUT OF THE ROAD!
Car: HONK! HONK! QUACK!
Wario: All right, this is really lame.
Wario enters a large airport with thousands of nerds in costume around.
Receptionist: Let me guess... YOU want to go to Los Angeles, right?
Wario: Nope. Gimme a ticket to the quickest flight to Beijing!
Receptionist: All right... That'll be 75 dollars.
Wario forks over 75 coins with a lot of tears.
Receptionist: Ha ha, very funny. Now sir, your dollars?
Wario: BUT THAT'S-A MONEY!
Receptionist: Please make your deposit in United States dollars.
Wario: BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY!
Receptionist: Then get out of my airport, sir.
Wario walks out of the airport. He then sees a homeless war veteran begging for money on the streets.
Wario: Hm...
Five minutes later, Wario is wearing a few boxes for clothes. He is dancing around to catch people's attention.
Woman: Oh you poor, poor man... You think you can actually dance!
Many good-hearted people fall for Wario's trick. Meanwhile, Petey falls from the sky in the middle of traffic.
People: GAAAHHHHH!!! A MONSTER!
Petey: No, you people are the real monsters. With all of the pollution going on...
People: GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Petey: Hm... Still idiots. Well, I'm leaving.
Petey goes and takes a boat from the harbor, since no one is fool enough to stop him. While in their panic, people drop their wallets, which Wario takes to his advantage. He then rushes back to the airport and gives the money to the receptionist.
Wario: TICKET NOW!
Receptionist: 300... 800... 2,000... dollars, all right, I'll just take that. And... POP! Here's your tickets to San Diego, then Tokyo, and finally, Beijing. Enjoy your flight!
Wario leaves with his tickets, not realizing that he paid $1,925 more than he had to. His plane then leaves for San Diego uninterrupted. Meanwhile, Petey is using his tornado ability to his advantage, and zooms toward Africa at least twice as fast as Wario. There's just a problem when he crashes...
Petey: WHERE AM I?!
Petey is in the middle of a river with several poisonous bugs. There are already five leeches on his leg.
Petey: Well, I'll just have to do what I have to do.
The Piranha Plant boss begins making a raft.
Iggy - Storage
Iggy eventually gets out of taser shock.
Iggy: How do I get out of dump? Darn it! I always get the worst luck!
Iggy kicks a wall, revealing a secret exit into Glitzville.
Iggy: Well, that was lucky.
What's even luckier is the storage room was built right next to the fountain. Iggy happily jumps into the fountain, which is actually a warp pipe. He is in a large desert... with freezing temperatures.
Iggy: Br... What kind of *shiver* desert is *Brrrrr* freezing cold?
Sandman (Get it? Because it's sand, and it's cold, and it's like a snowman, and... aw, I try too hard): Gobi's Desert.
Iggy: THAT WAS A LAME LEVEL FROM BANJO-KAZOOIE!
Sandman: I'm sorry... THE Gobi Desert.
Iggy: Well, I *shiver* have to get *brrrrrr* OUT!
Iggy sees a nearby camel with a sign that says "For Iggy".
Iggy: That looks nice.
Sandman: IT'S A TRAP!
However, the camel is actually not a trap, but a generous gift because this show has actually reached 88 pages just for this leg at this point! Whooooo! All right, so we got bored and needed to shorten up the show, happy?
Iggy: Very.
Though Iggy is much closer to Beijing than Petey or Wario, he is going much slower.
Wario - San Diego
Wario: All right. Only one more stop and I'll be at the...
Loudspeaker: ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! WE ARE TROUBLED TO TELL YOU THAT THE FLIGHT TO TOKYO WILL BE CANCELED DUE TO WILDFIRES!
Wario: WHAT?!
Loudspeaker: YEAH... WE'RE SORRY! BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER WAY! WE NEED TO USE THE PLANES AS SHELTERS!
Wario: That's stupid.
Loudspeaker: SO ARE YOU!
Angry at the world, Wario bursts out of the airport.
Wario: NOW HOW AM I-A GOING TO GET THERE?!
However, right outside the airport, Wario sees a news helicopter on the ground with the pilot still inside.
Wario: Hm...
Five minutes later...
Pilot: Wow, it sure is great to be a pilot for a news station!
Suddenly, Wario breaks in through the window.
Wario: START THE CHOPPER! START THE CHOPPER OR YOU ARE A DEAD MAN!
Pilot: AHHHHH! AN ANGRY NERD!
Wario: NERD?!
Wario tosses the pilot out of his own chopper. He then tries to fly the helicopter. However, considering he doesn't know how to fly pretty much anything, he just ends up cutting some grass.
Wario: WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! HOW CAN I GET THROUGH?!
Eventually, after touching just about every darn button on the chopper, Wario finally sets the autopilot, surprisingly, straight to Beijing.
Helicopter Autopilot: Expected arrival time: three hours.
Wario: Meh, good enough. Got any good movies?
Suddenly, the Spongebob Squarepants Movie appears in front of Wario's face on a TV screen.
Wario: Hehe... Yeah... Spongebob...WHOOOOOO!!!
Petey - Nile River
Petey has finally created a raft, after peeling about ten leeches per second off of his leaves. He then shoves off through the Indian Ocean with his tornado as a guide. In about 15 minutes (2 hours after Wario left and Iggy reached the desert), he makes it to the games.
Petey: ALL RIGHT!
Suddenly, a bunch of those lame Sonic characters, and Lakitu, go up to Petey.
Lakitu: Your first event will be... HAMMER TOSS!
Petey: WHO IS MY OPPONENT?
A large crocodile with headphones jumps up in front of Petey.
Crocodile: I'M VECTOR THE CROCODILE! And I'm winnin' this for the sake of Team Chaotix!
Lakitu: Each of you will throw this giant, 2-ton mace as far as you can three times. After three throws, we'll add up the distances and see who won.
Petey: Er... Two-ton?
Lakitu: Yeah, two-ton. You didn't expect this to be easy, did you?
Petey: Er... no.
Two huge balls the size of the Chain Chomp from Super Mario 64 drop from the sky.
Lakitu: PLAY BALL!
Vector: Wha?
Lakitu: Er... I mean... GO!
Vector easily raises the giant ball over his head, spins it around, and throws it really, really far.
Lakitu: 100 YARDS!
Vector: OH YEAH! Poses, guys!
Suddenly, a bee and a ninja-like chameleon (who looks a lot cooler than Francis, by a longshot) come up next to Vector and make muscular poses. The chameleon and bee then run back to the referees' table.
Petey: GAH! IT'S LIKE THIS BALL IS WORKING AGAINST ME!
Vector: Uh... That's because it is.
Suddenly, the ball turns around, revealing a Chain Chomp digging itself into the ground.
Chain Chomp: Grrrr...
Petey: Uh... Good boy?
The Chain Chomp then starts chasing Petey all around the stadium, with the giant Piranha Plant screaming in an extremely high-pitched tone the entire time.
Vector: Looooooooser!
Wario - Over China
Finally, Wario's autopiloted helicopter gets over China.
Autopilot: Thank you for choosing Air Boom for your flight. Self-destruct sequence initiated.
Wario: WHAT?!
Autopilot: 5... 4... 3...
Wario is frantically looking around for a parachute, but has no such luck. Eventually, he just bangs his hand against the wall, and BAM! Down falls a parachute.
Wario: ALL RIGHT!
Autopilot: 2... 1...
The fat plumber jumps out of the plane just before it explodes. Jeez, there has been a lot of explosions this leg! However, Wario realizes something as he falls.
Wario: HOW DO YOU OPEN THIS THING?!
The parachute does not have a drawstring. Eventually, Wario falls... and falls... and falls... right next to the stadium where they're holding the Olympic games. Fortunately, he falls right into a Chinese restaurant.
Chef: Why is that fortunate?
He fell on the Garlic Chicken.
Wario: Garlic... power... flowing... through... my... body... WAH HAH HAH! WARIOMAN IS BACK!
Wario once again dons his extremely ugly costume, restored of all damage.
Warioman: TO THE OLYMPICS, AWAY!
Chef: Crazy Americans...
Eventually, Warioman makes it to the Olympic Games, where a large, lanky man is waiting.
Lanky Man: You expect me to fight a nerd with a towel on his back with a huge lack of coordination? HA! This'll be over faster than creating one of my robots!
Lakitu: ALL RIGHT! FREAKY-LOOKING WARIO AND DOCTOR ROBOTONIC "THE EGGMAN"! Your competition is... ARCHERY!
Wario and Dr. Eggman are led out to a large field with targets. Wario's target has the face of Waluigi in the middle, while Eggman gets that ridiculous blue hedgehog that-
Lakitu: WE GET IT! YOU HATE SONIC! Jeez... Whatever, FIRE!
Wario tries to aim his crossbow at the face of the brother he hates so much. However, his bowstring gets tangled in his cape. Wario's weight causes the vibrations from the string to suddenly cease, causing the arrow to drop right on Wario's foot!
Wario: YEOWCH!
Meanwhile, Eggman has delivered a bulls-eye with nearly no effort whatsoever.
Eggman: NOW YOU KNOW WHY I AM THE BEST!
Wario: No... WARIOMAN IS THE BEST!
Warioman stuffs another clove of garlic down his gullet. He aims... and... MISSES HORRIBLY! However, the arrow bounces off of a wall and right through the bulls-eye of the target.
Eggman: WHAT?! THAT HAS TO BE ILLEGAL!
Lakitu: Technically, he hit the target without controlling his arrow by any means other than his bow. I rule it's fair, because bouncing your arrow off a wall is the same as air resistance.
Eggman: WELL, FORGET YOU, I'M... HOLY PORPISE POSTERIOR!
Eventually, Eggman smells Wario's awful garlic breath and unwashed armpits. He is forced to fall on the ground and gag for air. Unfortunately, he accidentally hits his bowstring, causing it to miss horribly and hit Wario's target.
Lakitu: Since Eggman can no longer win... WARIO EARNS THE GOLD MEDAL!
A Gold Medal is placed around Wario's neck. He then throws off the costume to grab the medal.
Wario: Shiny... So shiny and wonderful... My... precious... precious...
Lakitu: Uh... Wario? Take your clue.
Wario: PRECIOUS!
Lakitu: EEP! You scare me sometimes, freak.
Wario: WHY YOU LITTLE!
As Wario strangles Lakitu, the clue falls right onto his head.
Wario: Wha? OH YEAH! IT'S THE END!
The Dryest Bones: Teams must now travel to the final pitstop, Princess Peach's Castle. This luxurious palace has been the victim of many kidnappings, and has changed control to several different masters all in the last ten years! It is also the host of Super Mario 64 and a common sight to see in Mario sporting events. This majestic fortress is the final pitstop of The Amushroom Race.
Wario: BIG MONEY TIME! So... how do I get back to Earth?
Suddenly, that dumb Sonic ripoff guy who is even dumber walks up to Wario.
Dumb Sonic Ripoff: Grrr... INSOLENT FOOL! I'M SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG, THE WORLD'S ULTIMATE LIFEFORM! GET IT RIGHT!
Well sooooooorrrrrry!
Shadow: That's better... Now, I shall warp you back to your idiotic friend with my mastery of time and space known as Chaos Control.
Wario: Wait... If the author hates Sonic, how does he know about stuff like Chaos Control?
Uh... uh... All right, I bought Sonic Adventure 2. Happy?
Wario: Yes.
Shadow: CHAOS... CONTROL!
Wario is suddenly warped next to Waluigi... in the middle of the minefield.
Wario: YEOW!
Shadow: I never said you would be spared a horrible fate...
Hey... I'm starting to like this dumb, evil Sonic guy! Anyway, Shadow disappears back to the stadium, leaving Wario as the victim once more.
Iggy - Beijing
After one long, non-Arabian night on camelback, Iggy finally makes it to the Olympic Stadium.
Iggy: Took long enough... STUPID CAMEL!
Iggy slaps the camel, causing him to rocket into the stadium ala the camel's hooves. Lakitu, fully oxygenated, floats up to Iggy.
Lakitu: Well Iggy, ya made it. Petey's still here, but Wario left a little while ago. Anyway, meet your competition!
A purple cat with a ponytail and a sports uniform walks up to Iggy.
Lakitu: Iggy, meet Blaze. Blaze, Iggy.
Iggy: Whatever.
Blaze: Let's just get this over with.
Lakitu: Anyway, your event will be... FENCING!
Iggy: ALL RIGHT! This'll be a snap!
Blaze: Don't get your hopes up, kid.
Lakitu hands Iggy and Blaze two real swords.
Both: WHAT?! WHY DO WE HAVE THESE?!
Lakitu: So we can see who loses easier.
Both: *gulp*
Lakitu: Losers ready... SWORDFIGHT!
At first, the two are completely even. Though Blaze is great at using powerful attacks, Iggy easily blocks the strikes with his dexterity and nimble-ness. About 30 minutes into the fight, both are exhausted. Blaze hasn't left one mark on Iggy, while Iggy hasn't even gotten a chance to attack. Then, one jumps up, and a slice is heard.
RIP!
Lakitu: THE WINNER OF THE GOLD MEDAL, BLAZE!
Iggy is left with a mere scratch, though.
Lakitu: Well kid, ya lost miserably at swordfighting with a girl. Let's see how you handle the next opponent.
Iggy: HEY!
A pink hedgehog with a headband and a skirt walks up to Iggy.
Pink Hedgehog: YOU READY TO LOSE?!
Iggy: Why do I always have to fight the girls?
Pink Hedgehog: Typical boy... You're nothing compared to Sonic. He's so awesome and dreamy...
Lakitu: Anyway, it's Iggy Koopa VS Amy Rose in... THE JAVELIN THROW!
That stupid bee-thing gives Iggy and Amy javelins.
Lakitu: Just toss them as far as you can. And... GO!
Amy does a quick backflip and, suddenly, throws the javelin. It goes completely out of the stadium.
Lakitu: All right, considering the length of the stadium... 1,000 YARDS FOR AMY ROSE!
At the sound of this, Iggy is really scared. There's no way he can beat his old record of 20 yards! However, suddenly, Petey goes running with the Chain Chomp in tow right into Iggy. Out of fear and the extra momentum, Iggy tosses the javelin, which rockets out of the stadium. 80 seconds later...
Iggy: OW! THAT JAVELIN HIT MY BACKSIDE!
Lakitu: INCREDIBLE! THE JAVELIN WENT AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 SECONDS! IGGY WINS THE GOLD!
Iggy happily takes his gold medal and the clue that goes along with it.
Iggy: It's finally almost over... All right, now how do I get back?
Shadow warps Iggy back to Larry, who is gorging himself at the Juice Bar with Grubba. Somehow, Grubba hasn't been detected by security yet.
Grubba: WELL SHIVER MY TIMBERS AND THROW ME IN AN ALBINO DINO!
Larry: That's the second wierdest thing you’ve said all day.
Grubba: YER BACK! So, how was it, kid?
Iggy: I WON! Well, first I lost to a girl cat, and then I beat this girl hedgehog!
Larry: Woah, woah, woah... You lost to a girl?
Iggy: Yeah, why? She was tough.
All of the annoying, prejudiced males in the juice bar begin laughing at Iggy.
Grubba: Son, yer stranger than a pickle dipped in deoderant! But ya got guts. So, where ya boys headed?
Iggy: THE FINAL PITSTOP! PEACH'S CASTLE!
Larry: WHAT?! THE RACE IS ENDING?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
Iggy: YOU WERE LAUGHING TOO HARD!
Grubba: Well, you boys can take my private air balloon! It'll get you there faster than...
Iggy: Quick, let's bail before he does more dumb Western similes.
Larry and Iggy quickly leave the bar and find Grubba's air balloon outside. Well, it actually has Tubba Blubba all over it, but it's close enough.
Iggy: All right, let's blow this taco stand.
Larry: Er... They sell hot dogs here.
Iggy: Close enough.
The brothers go soaring high into the air above the sea.
Petey - Olympic Stadium
At this point, Petey is so pathetic that everyone is laying down in lounge chairs, eating popcorn while watching the plant get chased.
Lakitu: Wow, this idiot is PATHETIC! And I don't even have to do anything! Best sporting event I ever went to!
Vector: Wow, I sure am lucky I went against THIS idiot!
However, suddenly, Petey kicks the Chain Chomp. It gets very scared, so it jumps really, REALLY far away. Lakitu goes to measure it, but stays about 10 yards away from the vicious beast.
Lakitu: 100 yards! We have a tie!
Petey: NO WE DON'T! IT WENT FURTHER!
Lakitu: Don't prejudge me!
Suddenly, another ref that I hired just in case this dumb situation happened, Metal Mario, runs out and measures.
Metal Mario: Petey's right. His ball is exactly 0.1957 inches further than Vector's.
Lakitu: Well... Since Hammer Throw is getting boring... PETEY WINS!
Vector: This game is rigged.
Vector and those other idiots he poses with go home.
Petey: ALL RIGHT! WHERE'S THE CLUE?!
Lakitu: Oh... uh... I left it at the main desk.
Five minutes of running later...
Petey: FINAL PITSTOP! Oh DAD, I hope I'm not too late!
Shadow appears, Chaos Control, yadda yadda yadda. Petey joins Boomer, who is dressed up like a girly-girl and has been stuffed in a trash can under a Thwomp.
Boomer: Girls... are... mean...
Petey: (Idiot.) Come on, let's get you out.
Petey washes off Boomer with mud and throws the Thwomp away.
Boomer: PITSTOP?! YES! YES! YESSSSS!!!
Petey: You realize that I was the last to finish, right?
Boomer: NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!!
Suddenly, Wario breaks through the mall (again) with Waluigi in hand, stealing random cash registers.
Wario: It's got to be around... AH HAH! HERE WE GO!
Wario pulls a fan out of its box and dismantles it, leaving the propeller.
Wario: Oh Waluigi!
Waluigi: W-w-what?
Wario: M-i-c-k-e-y...
Waluigi: DON'T DO THAT!
Wario: M-o-u-s-e!
Waluigi: WAAAHHHHHH!!! MICE ARE SO SCARY! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Before Waluigi can run in circles, Wario straps the propeller to his legs. With extreme speed, Waluigi is able to propel himself into the air. Wario jumps on, and pushes Waluigi like a joystick to get where he needs to be.
Wario: WAH HAH HAH! WE'LL BEAT ALL OF THOSE OTHER LOSERS EASY!
Petey: HURRY! THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE!
Petey puts Boomer in his mouth and launches him like a cannonball. However, Petey overshoots it a bit and launches Boomer a little to far - right into Royal Raceway's lake to be exact.
Boomer: SO... FREEZING... COLD!
Petey then constructs a makeshaft catapult out of fans, mud, and hula-hoops. Suprisingly, it works, and Petey is sent right into another Piranha Plant in Royal Raceway.
Piranha Plant: BOSS! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!
After a lot of managing with tongues and spit, Petey finally gets out. He then looks toward the lake, where Boomer is slowly becoming a victim to the nearly-freezing waters.
Boomer: MY LEG IS FROZEN!
Petey tries to go in. However, since he absorbs most of the water, his leg freezes instantly.
Petey: DARN IT! I'll need to slowly contruct a bridge out of blocks...
And so, Petey begins his bridge to Boomer. However, it takes him a while to summon so many blocks in a single day, and Boomer is WAY out there!
Someone - Peach's Castle
Eventually, the sound of two pairs of feet are heard crunching in the sand, one slightly faster than the other. Both run toward the mat at an extremely high pace. Just behind them is another team, sad because they're sure to lose at this point. Even if they did cheat, there is no way to catch up, as one of the winning members would surely pull off a miricle victory. Eventually, the two jump right onto a mat in front of The Dryest Bones.
The Dryest Bones: Congragulations... you two have come very far in this race. Though I'm sure no one expected to see you in first, there's something I must tell you...
One of the members leans closer to The Dryest Bones.
The Dryest Bones: THIS ISN'T THE END OF THE RACE!
The stunned Team Garlic, who got there very quickly due to Waluigi's fancy feet, begin cursing. Of course, Waluigi then gets scared of his cursing and tries to catch them with a dreamcatcher or something.
The Dryest Bones: Yes, this race has not yet run out of tricks. This is my final deception, which I call...
INFINITE HASTLES IN THE UNNECESSARY CASTLE!
The Dryest Bones: You see, I have actually placed the final pitstop high in the sky, only accessible through that portal at the top of this castle. Just for this race, I have reestablished all of the locks, enemies, and problems Bowser struck the castle with in Super Mario 64. I have hidden coins with each teams' face on it instead of Stars on each level of the castle, so that they can be made in triplicate. These coins will be deposited into coin slots outside of doors for you to enter. However, there is only one coin slot. Therefore, multiple teams can deposit their coins in a single coin slot to work together for a faster finish. However, this could work against you if you're heavy spenders early on as the more pricey levels may not be avaliable to you. Also, DON'T YOU DARE THINK ABOUT STEALING OTHER TEAMS' COINS! Instead of Bowser, I have allowed teams that were under my consideration to enter the race, but just never got in, to be his substitutes. In any case, the first team to reach me at "Bowser in the Sky" wins The Amushroom Race. Oh, and I left a note on the side of the castle door so that I won't have to explain this again!
Wario: You had this planned all along, didn't you?
The Dryest Bones: Uh... Why do you think I haven't used Super Mario 64 locations up to this point? I could've EASILY made challenges with those! But, that's not the point. Into the castle you go, I'm going to go to the sky.
The Dryest Bones takes out a Warp Whistle and teleports to the sky.
Wario: DANG IT! I HATE THIS GAME!
Waluigi: THIS FINAL CHALLENGE IS EVEN SCARIER THAN THAT ROCK!
A bunny hops up to Waluigi.
Waluigi: WAAAAHHHHHH!!! IT'S SO SCARY BECAUSE IT'S TOO CUTE!
Wario tries to unlock the door, but...
Wario: WHAT?! IS THIS THING STUCK WITH, LIKE, GLUE OR SOMETHING?! I CAN'T GET IT OPEN!
As Wario struggles with the door, Iggy and Larry run up.