CHAPTER 6: FLOWER POWER… THEY COULDN’T DO BETTER THAN THAT?!
Peach is in her room.
Peach: I’m hungry!
Twink (who somehow came back): What are you? A glutton?
Peach: Silence, nonbeliever!
Twink:…
They go, and get lost for the billionth time. Literally.
Hammer Bro.: Hey Peach! Welcome to the game s-AHHHHH!
She kills the Hammer Bro.
Peach: Give me the Sneaky Parasol, now!
Spiky Tom and Spiky John: Gulp.
They give it to her.
Peach: Tell me where the next Star Spirit is, or die!
Spiky Tom: I thought the Mario Bros. were the only ones that can be threat-AHHHH!
She kills Spiky Tom.
Spiky John: Uh…. Flower Fields. PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!
Shrooby: My line! … Or at least something I would say. DON’T KILL ME!
She kills Spiky John, and Shrooby. However, the alien reforms in P.T.’s studio.
Twink: I’ll go tell them.
He leaves. The Mario Bros. are back at the coast of Lavalava Island.
Luigi: How do we leave?
Mario hammers Luigi into a hole, and rides him like a surfboard to Toad Town. However, they pass Jr. Troopa, who is swimming to the island.
Jr.: Darn it! Now I have to swim all the way back!
He swims all the way back. When he catches up with them at Toad Town…
Jr.: [+]DIE!
Since he’s so tired, he can’t fight back when Luigi kicks him into the water. Jr. drowns.
Mario: …
Twink comes.
Twink: You will die, if you don’t go to Flower Fields.
Luigi: STOP THREATENING US! … How’d you escape?
Twink: DIE!
He tries to kill them, but they go into the sewers, and enter Flower Fields. … Wait, Flower Fields isn’t reached through the sewers.
Mario Bros.: Silence, nonbeliever!
…
Wise Wisterwood: Welcome to Flower Fields! Go to Petunia. She’s to the east.
Mario: …
Wisterwood: What?
Luigi: Well, usually people threaten our lives.
Wisterwood: Would you rather I did?
Mario Bros: NO!
Wisterwood: Then go, or I’ll threaten your lives.
Mario: That’s technically a threat.
Wisterwood: Go, or die.
Luigi: D’oh! We got threatened. Let’s go.
They go along, burning Crazee Dayzees and Bzzaps. Eventually, they reach Petunia.
Petunia: Save me from the Monty Moles that are green for some reason!
Mario: …
Petunia: What?
Mario: How come people here aren’t as fast to threaten us?
Petunia: Stop pondering, and save me! … Or die!
Luigi: We have to stop ruining our chances to not be threatened.
They kill the moles, and threaten to burn Petunia if she doesn’t reward them.
Petunia: Fine! Here’s a Magical Bean. Huff ‘N Puff is invading Flower Fields. Use this along with other things. And destroy the machine that’s making clouds.
Mario: Not unless you say the magic words.
Petunia: *sigh* … Or I’ll kill you.
Mario: Thank you.
Luigi: What?! … I guess we’ve gotten used to it.
They go, and meet the red flower.
Red Flower: Get me the red berry.
The Bros. root him from the ground and toss him (SMB2), and high jump over the gate. Eventually, they see Posie.
Posie: Here’s the Fertile Soil.
Luigi: You’re just giving it to us?
Posie: No. I meant to say, “Here’s the Fertile Soil. But only if you can beat me.”
Luigi: Ah.
Mario: That makes sense.
Posie becomes some giant, stylish guy like in some Final Fantasy game that the Bros. could never hope to hurt, let alone defeat.
Mario Bros: …
Posie kills them. But in the sky, there’s a plane filled with 1-Up Mushrooms.
Co-Pilot: Dude, the plane is too heavy! We won’t land at our destination! We have to drop the load!
The pilot presses a button, and all the 1-Up Mushrooms land on the Bros. And the plane crashes into Posie, killing her. Luigi takes the soil.
Mario: That was lucky.
They continue, until they see a yellow flower guarding a gate.
Flower: Give me the yellow berry.
Mario and Luigi do a Bros. Attack, killing the flower. They then use a battering ram shaped like you (Buy them at Goldbobbington’s. Buy 1, get 1 free!), and knock over the gate. Soon, they reach the lily pad.
Lily Pad: Why don’t I have a name?!
Silence, nonbeliever!
Lily Pad: … Give me the Water Stone! … Or die!
Luigi: WHY?! WHY?! WHAT IS IT PEOPLE HAVE AGAINST US LIVING?!
They go to the blue flower that’s guarding a gate.
Flower: I know what you did to my brothers. Die!
Mario slashes his stem with a chainsaw, and Luigi uses Green Missile to knock the gate down. Soon, they reach a maze. But the Bros. just burn it down. One easy trek later…
Rosie: Die!
Luigi: NOTHING HAPPENED YET!
Rosie: Give me a crystal berry, or I won’t give you the Water Stone.
Mario: But we killed Posie.
Rosie: Then there should be no trouble.
Luigi: But the plane also crashed into the tree.
Rosie: Plane?! AAAAHHHH! PLANES ARE SCARY!
Rosie explodes, and Luigi takes the Water Stone. They go back to the Lily pad.
Lily pad: Thank you.
Water starts flowing, and she gives them the Miracle Water. The Bros. swim, until they reach the bubble plant.
Luigi: I think we need a bubble berry.
Mario: I don’t want to!
They spin jump across.
Bubble Plant: What?! You didn’t use me?! Die!
He shoots acid bubbles at them, but the Bros. hammer them back at the plant, killing it. They continue. They go up the tower, and meet the sun.
Sun: Now I finally get to burn you! Revenge!
The sun takes off a mask, and reveals himself to be the Angry Sun from SMB3.
Mario: Gasp!
Luigi sprinkles some Miracle Water on him, and he dies.
Luigi: No wonder they call it Miracle Water!
Miracle Whip: Die!
A jar of Miracle Whip leaps at Luigi, but the plumber dodges. The jar breaks on the ground, and mayo is splattered everywhere. Meanwhile…
Lakilester: Okay. Now I can kill Mario and Luigi.
Some mayo lands on Lakilester.
Lakilester: AAHHHH! THE MAYO! IT BURNS! I’M ALLERGIC!
Lakilester explodes.
Luigi: Wow. We’ve managed to kill every PM party member.
Goombario: Except me! I survived! And since I beat the guy, can I join?
Mario pushes him into the thorny pit.
Mario: NOW we’ve managed to kill every PM party member.
They continue, and find the machine.
Yellow Magikoopa: Die!
Miracle Whip’s Ghost: Die!
Luigi sucks up the ghost. Mario then steals the Magikoopa’s wand, and kills the three bad guys with it. He then goes over to a nearby tree, and unplugs a plug in it. The machine stops, and the clouds go away.
Flower Fields Citizens: Yay!
But the clouds come back.
Citizens: Boo!
Luigi takes out the batteries.
Citizens: Yay!
But the machine’s backed up by solar power. Which is a paradox, but who cares?
Citizens: Boo! … Wait, we care!
The citizens kill me. Ouch. *dies*
Luigi: How will we continue the story?
Mario: We’ll just talk, so the narrator won’t be needed.
Luigi: Okay… Why do you think everyone wants everyone to die?
Mario: I don’t know. Maybe everyone’s been watching Jerry Springer, lately.
Luigi: Yeah, I hear that season 1 is on sale at Goldbobbington’s.
Goldbob: Buy 1, get 1 free!
Mario: Die!
Goldbob: Oh no you- ACK!
Luigi: Well, it looks like we’ve killed him.
Mario: Yeah… Hey! We’re already on the clouds!
Luigi: How?
Mario: I don’t know! Plus, we skipped using the items, and somehow the clouds are gone! Things make no sense when the narrator is dead.
Huff ‘N Puff: D-
Mario Bros: If you’re telling us to die, then we’ll kill you!
Huff: But I want to kill you! Is that so wrong? WAAAAHHH!
Huff goes away, crying.
Mario: I thought you died.
Uh… Well… You see… Anyway, Huff is so busy crying, he falls off the edge and lands on the ground, where the citizens kill him.
Mario Bros: …
Klevar: …
Mario: Go ahead. Blast us.
Klevar: Okay. Others!
The other Star Spirits (minus the next one) appear.
Star Spirits: POWER!
The bros. are blasted back to Toad Town.
Luigi: I’m starting to hate my life.
Mario: I bet I hate it, more.
Plit: No, we hate both of yours more.
Bros: …
CHAPTER 7: FINALLY! THE LAST FREAKING STAR SPIRIT!
Peach is in her room.
Peach: I bet if I sell this, I can get a snack!
Twink: Honestly, food is all you think about.
Peach uses it, but the beam hits a Koopatrol nearby. It turns Peach into a Koopatrol.
Peach: EW! I’M UGLY! ALMOST AS UGLY AS YOU!
Twink: (sarcastically) … Gee, thanks.
They go along, and see another Koopatrol guarding a door.
Koopatrol: Is my relief here yet? He’s a Club- AAHHHH!
Peach stabs him with a knife.
Twink: OMD!
(OMD means “Oh my DAD”.)
They continue, and are on a bridge.
Kammy: Okay. We’ve finally set it up. So even if Mario comes with all the Star Spirits, we’ll be fine.
Koopatrol: But he doesn’t have any, at all. They all hate him. Plus, Luigi is coming, too.
Kammy: >:(
She pushes him off the bridge, and he falls to the ground. Down there…
Gourmet Guy: Oh, I thought I died. Thank DAD I survived.
The Koopatrol lands on him, and the spike on his helmet stabs the top of Gourmet Guy’s head.
Gourmet Guy: Okay. That settles it. The author hates me.
He dies. Back at the castle…
Kammy: Remaining Koopatrol, I know you’re just Peach in disguise. So I’m not going to tell you that the last Star Spirit is in the Crystal Palace. Understand?
Peach: You told me.
Kammy: Die!
She casts a spell that sends Peach to her room. Twink goes down to tell the Bros. and threaten their lives. In the sewers…
Mario: Why are we here?
Luigi: I don’t know.
Twink appears.
Twink: Crystal Palace. Or die.
Luigi: …
They enter the pipe that takes them to Shiver City.
Bumpty: Welcome!
Mario: Tell us where the Crystal Palace is.
Bumpty: East of here. Talk to the mayor, or I’ll kill you.
Luigi: …-er.
They enter the house. They see the mayor, unconscious.
Wife: AHHHH! YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND!
Luigi: …-est.
Mario: WHAT?! YOU WERE IN HERE, STARING AT HIM, AND YOU SAW US JUST WALK IN! WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO ACCUSE US?!
Wife: Be accused, or die.
Luigi: Too many death threats! Die!
Luigi hammers the wife into the distance. The mayor wakes up.
Mayor: What happened?
Luigi: Your wife is a psycho. Can we go to the Crystal Palace?
Mayor: Why are you asking to go? Why not just go?
Luigi: Good point.
They leave the house, and make it through Shiver Fields. But…
Jr: [+]DIE!
Mario: How did you survive what happened earlier?
Jr: Silence, nonbeliever! … I have always wanted to say that.
Luigi: Now you attack us during the chapter, instead of after it? That’s a first, Jr.
Jr: Don’t call me Jr… Okay, I guess you can, but remember the prologue? I attacked in that, too!
He pulls out a wand thing and shoots geometric shapes at Luigi, turning him into a giant donut.
Mario: … Well, it seems you’re finally worthy of a-
Mario Bros: BROS. ATTACK!
Mario and Luigi (still as a donut) perform Chopper Bros. Jr. faints.
Mario: Let’s go!
Luigi: What about my condition?
Mario: You’ll be fine! Let’s go!
They continue, until they see the snowmen blocking their path.
Snowmen: Give us a bucket and scarf, and we’ll let you pa- AHHHHH!
Mario melts them with fireballs. Then, they keep going, until they see two white Clubbas.
White Clubba #1: We heard that you killed our green counterparts in Tubba Blubba’s castle.
White Clubba #2: Prepare to die!
Mario: Tubba killed them.
White Clubba #1: He must die!
They leave. They soon encounter Duplighosts, just outside the Crystal Palace.
Random Duplighost: We-
Lee: Will-
Doopliss: Destroy-
Mapliss: You-
Yarnliss: Two.
Luigi: We can take you!
The Duplighost turns into a Chain Chomp, and tries to eat Luigi (yes, he’s still a donut). However, he uses a Jedi mind trick to get the Duplighost to turn him back into a human.
Luigi: Bingo! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Luigi hammers the Chomp into the other Duplighosts, knocking them out.
Luigi: Go, Weegie!
Mario: … Right.
They enter Crystal Palace. Inside, they see that it’s a bunch of mirrors and stuff.
Mario Bros: Oh. My. DAD.
Luigi: This will take too long. But if we just speed through, the chapter will be too short.
Mario: What to do?
After nothing exciting enough to tell you about, they make it to a bridge with White Clubbas on it and a similar bridge with Clubba statues.
Luigi: Oh, forget this!
Luigi pulls out his hammer, and things get crazy. Let’s just say that the Clubbas won’t be leaving the hospital for a while. Anyway, they see a few characters…
Goompa: MARIO! Remember me? Of course you do! I’m Luigi!
Yellow Ninjakoopa: Don’t listen to him! I’m Luigi!
Moustafa: You wish! I’m Luigi!
Bow: No, I am!
Lantern Ghost: I am!
Yoshi Chief: I am!
Angry Sun: I am!
Mayor’s Wife: I am!
Luigi: YOU IDIOTS! YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE ME!
Characters: D’oh!
They reveal themselves to be Duplighosts. But Luigi shocks them with thunder. Well technically, it’s lightning. But you know. Anyway, they eventually meet the white Dino Rhinos.
Rhinos: We are somewhat like palette swaps of Dino Rhinos from SMW!
Mario: So?
Rhinos: Die!
They charge at the Bros, but they step aside. With the beasts stampeding out of the room, the Bros. make it to the area with the Crystal King.
Crystal King: How’d you get here so fast?!
Mario Bros: We’ll never tell you!
The king summons the Crystal Bits, and turns into three Crystal Kings.
Mario: Time for-
Luigi: Bros. Flower!
They use the Bros. Flower, and all that’s left of the Crystal King is a puddle of water, with his clothes and eyes.
Puddle (Crystal King): This chapter is so fast, it’s stupid.
He freezes, because water freezes at this temperature. Kalmar appears.
Kalmar: Now to blast you!
Luigi: Why do you hate us so?
Muskular: I don’t hate you. I moved your stuff to your house during that one chapter. Anyway…
All Seven Star Spirits: POWER!
The Bros. are blasted away for hopefully the last time.
Luigi: Now what?
Mario: Unfortunately, we have to rescue Peach.
Luigi: Darn. But for now…
Mario Bros: To be continued!
What they said…