PROLOGUE: THE BEGINNING… WHAT AN UNORIGINAL NAME
One day, Mario and Luigi are about to have the final match in their 2-man rock-‘em-sock-‘em robots tournament. Just before it starts…
Parakarry: Mail call!
They ignore him and are about to start, when…
Parakarry: I said “Mail call”!
Luigi: We heard you the first time!
Parakarry: Come and get your mail!
Mario: Later! I’m about to beat Luigi!
Parakarry breaks through the door, grabs Luigi, and tosses him at the mailbox.
Luigi: Fine! I’ll read your stinking mail!
He opens it and reads it.
Luigi: We got invited to a party!
Mario: I’m a party animal! Let’s go!
Soon, they’re at the gate.
Guard: Halt! Who are you?
Mario: We’re the Mario Bros, you dolt! You see us every time we come here!
Guard: Oh.
Luigi: Wait, we’re going to a party! I need my good hat!
Luigi runs off.
Mario: Luigi, come back!
Mario chases after him. Soon, they’re walking back to the castle.
Luigi: Well, sorry! I wanted to look my best!
Guard: Halt! Who are you?
Mario: Didn’t we tell you moments ago?
Guard: I don’t recall. Who are you?
Mario: We’re the Mario Bros.
Guard: Oh.
Luigi: At least let me put on my good overalls!
Luigi runs off, followed by Mario, who brings him back to the castle by his ear.
Luigi: Do you want us to look like slobs?
Guard: Halt! Who are you?
The Mario Bros. throw deadly fireballs at the guard.
Luigi: Won’t Peach wonder why her guard is dead?
Mario: She won’t miss him! Besides, she’s always kidnapped anyway! What good was he?
They go around eating food, watching things, and playing games. Eventually, they find a single guard watching Peach’s room.
Luigi: Hey! This is our chance to see Peach’s room!
Mario: … I like the way you think.
They take the guard’s spear, stab him with it, and go inside.
Mario: Where’s her diary? I want to see what she wrote!
Luigi: Me too!
They find the diary, toss it out the window when they’re done, and break her piggybank.
Luigi: Only ten cents? I’d think she’d be loaded!
Mario: Yeah. Well, let’s go get on her good side, in case she sees her room and gets suspicious.
They go, and see Peach in a hallway.
Peach: Mario! Luigi! You’ve come just to see me!
Mario Bros: Uh, yeah. Let’s go with that.
Luigi: Anyway, if you see that your room might be trashed, we just saw Bowser sneaking into you-
An earthquake starts, and the castle floats to the sky!
Peach: Oh my DAD! Now what?!
Bowser and Kammy come through the window.
Bowser: OW! The broken glass! It hurts!
Luigi: No wonder we always beat him.
Bowser: What was that?!
Luigi: Uh… It’s-a me, Luigi?
Bowser: Oh. Okay.
Mario: Bowser, what are you doing?
Bowser: What do you think? I’m going to kidnap Peach, as usual!
Mario: (pulling out a mini Bill Blaster) Right…
Kammy shoots a shape spell that turns the mini Bill Blaster into a rubber chicken.
Mario: …
The Brothers do a Bros. Attack on the witch, knocking her out.
Bowser: That wasn’t supposed to happen. Now you shall fight me!
RPG Battle!
Mario HP: 10/10
Luigi HP: 10/10
Bowser HP: 45/45
Mario uses “Fireball Barrage”. 9 damage!
Luigi uses “Green Missile”. 9 damage!
Bowser uses “Koopa Klaw” on Mario. 1 damage!
Mario HP: 9/10
Luigi HP: 10/10
Bowser HP: 27/45
Mario (and Luigi) use “Splash Bros”. 18 damage!
Luigi uses “Green Missile”. 9 damage!
Mario and Luigi win!
Battle Over!
Bowser: Ouch…
Mario: Take that!
Luigi: Yeah!
Bowser: Idiots! I stole this!
Bowser pulls out the Star Rod, and powers up.
Bowser: Just try and beat me!
Mario: Your funeral.
Mario jumps on him… and it doesn’t do a thing.
Luigi: Let a pro try it.
Luigi tries the same thing… with the same result.
Mario: Is that pro here, yet?
Luigi: Har, har.
Bowser breathes fire on the two of them. They’re dead. For good measure, he stomps on them, breathes more fire on them, scratches them, shell slams them, bites them, freezes them, punches them, kicks them, pokes them, gives them homework, and finally summons lightning, that knocks them out the window.
Peach: AAAHHHH! YOU MONSTER!
Bowser: Yes I am. Guards! Take her to her room!
Two Koopatrols take her to her room.
Peach: Wait, how’d you two get in here?
Koopatrols: Silence, non-believer!
Meanwhile, the Bros. fall from the castle, and land outside Goomba Village.
Goombaria: HEY! WAKE UP! HEY! MA!
Goomama (from in the village): WHAT?
Goombaria: DIS FAT GUY AND DIS TALL GUY ARE LYING DEAD, OVER HERE!
Goomama: BRING ‘EM INTO DA TOAD HOUSE!
Goombaria: YOU WIN THIS ROUND, WOMAN!
Later, the Bros. wake up in the Toad House.
Eldstar: I can’t believe I forgot to revive you, earlier. So…
Eldstar shoots a laser at the Brothers.
Mario: MAMAMIA!
Luigi: What did you do that for, you stupid star?!
Eldstar: Go to Shooting Star Summit. Or I’ll send bad people to your house.
Mario: Fine. But for shooting lasers, we’ll take our sweet time.
Eldstar: Fair enough.
They go into the village, to see Goompapa finally finish fixing the gate.
Goompapa: That took forever!
Kammy flies by.
Kammy: You ARE alive! Take this!
She summons a block to hit the mustachioed ones, but it lands on the gate.
Kammy: Of course, that works too…
She flies away.
Goompapa: I just fixed that gate… Nobody say the word “gate” to me. Mario, Luigi! Go talk to Goompa! He’ll have a hammer for you!
Mario: No! We won’t go, because you’re not our boss!
Luigi: How do you even know our names?
Goompapa: You have to go! It’s in the script! Plus, who doesn’t know your names?
Mario: Oh yeah.
Luigi: Wow. I didn’t know that people actually knew my name. I say we go, so I won’t lose the one person that knows me.
Mario: Fine.
They go out the back of the house to find that the veranda’s missing. They fall. One long fall, and one longer recovery later…
Luigi: That hurt.
Goompa: There you are! Go look for the hammer, over there!
They do, and they find two hammers!
Luigi: Wait, in the original version, there was only one hammer.
Mario: And in the original version, there was only one of us on the adventure.
Luigi: Good point.
Mario and Luigi decide to climb up the cliff wall and go back through the house, leaving Goompa in the gorge. When they’re back in the village…
Voice: Wait!
Jr. Troopa appears.
Jr: You forgot me! Die!
Luigi picks up the baby, walks to the back of the house, and drops him into the gorge.
Mario: That was cruel.
Luigi: You know how I am around babies.
(We see a clip of Luigi injuring the Baby Mario Bros. during Mario & Luigi 2.)
Mario: Yeah.
Mario uses the hammer to break the block. They continue along the path, until they meet the Goomba Bros.
Red: We are strong!
Blue: It is true!
Mario and Luigi walk right past them, until they get to the Goomba King’s fort.
Goomba King: You beat my henchmen?
Luigi: Actually-
Red and Blue: THEY BEAT US UP, SIR!
Mario: What?! We did nothing! Literally!
The king jumps down.
Elvis: Thank you, thank you very much.
Now the Goomba King jumps down.
King: Die!
Mario smacks the tree, and Goomnuts whack all three enemies on the head. This knocks them out. The Bros. continue through the path. Meanwhile, Kammy was watching. She flew back to the castle and told her king.
Bowser: WHAAAT?! Well can they get to the Koopa Bros. Fortress? Is that place safe?
The Koopa Bros. appear.
Red: Don’t worry about us!
Black: That Goomba King was a total wimpola!
Yellow: We can stomp Mario!
Green: What do I say, again?
Bowser: (whispering) Pssst. Kammy! Do you think these guys can do it? They seem a little loopy.
Kammy: (whispering) Well, at least they can outnumber them. King Boo and his men outnumbered Mario, and it worked.
Bowser: (whispering) But they outnumbered Luigi, and he won. Not to mention that there were more of the Boos than these four.
Kammy: (whispering) Well-
Yellow: Why do they keep whispering?
Green: Maybe they’re planning my birthday party!
Black: No they’re not, you idiot! Besides, your birthday was only two months ago.
Red: Shhh! It looks like they’re done!
Bowser: I don’t know if you four can handle it. I’m pretty sure I should send a later boss, like Huff ‘N Puff.
Red: But we have a special attack!
Bowser: Oh yeah? Show me!
The quartet perform their special attack, offscreen.
Bowser: Okay. I’m reassured. But who’s manning the fort now? Get it? Because you actually have a fort? But seriously.
Red: Uh, no one. We’re here now.
Bowser: AIRHEADS! NO WONDER I ALWAYS LOSE! I’M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!
Yellow: I thought I told Green to ask the minions to watch the fort.
Green: Oops. I forgot.
The others are about to beat him up, but…
Bowser: HEY! GO AND GUARD THE FORTRESS! THE MARIO BROS. COULD BE THERE, ANY MINUTE! IN FACT, THEY COULD EVEN BE FREEING THE STAR SPIRIT RIGHT NOW!
Koopa Bros: WOAH!
They leave. Meanwhile, Mario and Luigi make it to Toad Town. They go north, and soon make it to Shooting Star Summit.
Eldstar: It’s about time! Anyway, Bowser stole us, and put us in individual places. Free us, and we can help you. I’m in the Koopa Bros. Fortress. May the force be with you.
Eldstar vanishes. Meanwhile, Peach is moping in her room. Twink soon appears.
Peach: Who are you?
Twink: I’m Twink! I’m here to help!
Peach: Then give Mario this Lucky Star. It gives him action commands.
Twink: So now you have to press a certain button to do maximum damage? You can no longer just sit back, and watch him fight? Nothing doing!
Peach: Okay. Just tell him that I’m okay.
Twink: That I can do!
The Star Kid flies out the window. Back on Shooting Star Summit, the Brothers are leaving, when…
Goombario: Wait! You forgot me!
Mario: Oh. Well with Luigi, I don’t think that you can…
A Magikoopa appears.
Magikoopa: There you are! Now to kill you!
Goombario: Mario, if I can beat this guy, can I join?
Mario: Uh, let me speak to Luigi.
The Brothers go over to an area a few feet away. After some whispering…
Luigi: Sure!
The Goomba fights the Magikoopa, as the plumbers sneak away. Back in Toad Town, they face four odd Toads.
Red Toad: You shouldn’t go to the Koopa Bros. Fortress.
Black Toad: It’s considered suicide, and that is frowned upon by most societies.
Yellow Toad: I thought that was cannibalism.
Black Toad: That too.
Green Toad: Don’t go to our, I mean their fort. Bowser doesn’t want us to let you there.
Red, Black, and Yellow Toads: IDIOT!
They maim the green one, and for some reason, this exposes them as the Koopa Bros.
Red: Flee!
The turtles run away.
Mario: That’s just sad.
Luigi: Oh yeah.
CHAPTER 1: BROS. VS. BROS.
Mario and Luigi are walking along Pleasant Path, and soon come to a river.
Mario: Now what?
Luigi: I think we hit the switch.
Mario: Better idea.
Mario jumps on his brother’s back, and they spin across. Soon, they make it to Koopa Village.
Koopa: Fuzzies are stealing our shells!
Luigi: So? We just want to kill the Koopa Bros.
Koopa: We’ll tell you where they are, if you kill the Fuzzies.
Mario: Works for us.
Mario and Luigi run around the village, planting bombs. After they’re done, they run like Sonic to an area far from the village. Suddenly…
BOOM!
The entire village is destroyed, so is everyone that was there.
Mario: That should kill the Fuzzies.
Luigi: But now the Koopa won’t tell us where the Koopa Bros. are, though.
Mario: Hmmm. Didn’t think of that.
Luigi: Well, how do we get to their fortress?
Mario: Well, that castle in the distance looks promising.
Luigi: What?
Luigi sees the building in the distance.
Luigi: Well, I suppose you’re right.
They go, and knock on the door.
Black (inside): Who is it?
Mario: Uh…
Luigi: The pizza man!
Mario: (whispering) Good one.
Black: Okay!
He opens the door, and the Brothers hit his head with their hammers.
Black: Ouch. RED! THEY’RE HERE!
Black runs further into the fortress, and leaves the door open.
Mario: Now they know we’re here.
Luigi: Well, technically we’re not here! We didn’t enter the fortress yet.
Mario: True. But we must enter, so we can free the Star Spirit, so we can free the other Star Spirits, so we can free Peach, so we can get back to our lives.
Luigi: Okay.
They enter, and soon see Green.
Green: Now to lower the cage bars, so they can’t get the key!
Green presses a button, and the bars lower.
Green: Wait a second. I STILL HAVE THE KEY!
Luigi uses his “Green Missile” to attack Green, but that makes Green drop the key. It lands inside the cage.
Mario: Nice going.
Luigi: Shut up!
While they’re distracted, Green runs away. After some navigating, they soon come into a room, where Yellow is messing with a ? Block.
Yellow: Ha! Let’s see the great Mario Bros. get any further!
Yellow hears the sound of the Brothers coming into the room.
Yellow: Woah! Gotta go!
He leaves, just in time for Mario and Luigi to enter. They go up the walkway, and hit the ? Block. One drop later…
Luigi: Ouch…
Mario: Where are we?
Bombette: You’re in the jail cell, I can he-
Mario throws Bombette and the other Bob-ombs into the wall, causing them to have an exit. They go, and get back into the room they were in. They go through the door Yellow went in. After even more navigating, they reach a switch.
Mario: Now what?
Luigi: We hit the switch, idiot.
Mario: How do you know?
Luigi: Why else is it here?
Mario: I mean, the ? Block was a trap. What makes you think that this isn’t a trap?
Luigi: Oh. Well, we’ll just hit the switch from a distance.
They go back a few steps, and throw their hammers at the switch. A staircase rises out of the water.
Mario: Woah.
They go up, and are soon on a bridge. The Koopa Bros. appear on the other side.
Red: Okay, guys! Open fire!
Black: What?
Yellow: You mean we DID have to bring the Bill Blasters from Bowser’s with us?
Red: Duh!
Yellow: Green, you said that we DIDN’T have to bring them.
Green: How do you know? You don’t have any ears!
Yellow:…
In the time they were arguing, the Mario Bros. crossed the bridge.
Yellow: Well, Mom said I was her favorite!
Black: What?! She said I was her favorite!
Yellow: You wish! She gave me two cookies, when you all got one!
Red: She said that you stole it!
Mario: Uh, guys?
The quartet keeps on arguing.
Luigi: Guys?
Still arguing.
Mario Bros: GUYS!
The Koopa Bros. stop arguing, and see that the Mario Bros. are right next to them.
Red: Flee!
They run inside. The Mario Bros. try to follow them, but the door’s locked.
Mario: Hey! Let us in!
Red (inside): Uh, just a second! No, Black! That doesn’t go there! Yellow! Didn’t you hear what I said to Black just a second ago?! Green! What are you doing?! That doesn’t look cool at all! Uh, okay! You can come in, now!
The door unlocks, and the Mario Bros. enter to see a lame Trojan Bowser.
Luigi: Wow. That’s just sad.
Red (in the Trojan Bowser): Fear me! I’m Bowser!
Mario: No you’re not.
“Bowser”: Uh, yes I am!
Mario: That is so fake.
Yellow: Teehee. He thinks we’re actually Bowser.
Mario: I heard you. But you didn’t hear when I said that your Bowser is fake.
“Bowser”: Shut up! I really am Bowser!
Luigi: Where’s the Star Rod?
“Bowser”: Uh, at the cleaners?
Mario: How many kids do you have?
“Bowser”: Uh, I’m too tired to think about that?
Mario: Why not use your fire breath?
“Bowser”: Uh…
Inside the Bowser thing…
Red: He wants us to use our fire breath! What should we do?
Black: Lie?
Yellow: Charge at him?
Green: Look at the picture I drew!
Green shows off a picture of four stick figures with poorly drawn shells on them. Each stick figure is colored in red, black, yellow, and green.
Green: It’s us!
Red: You’re bad at drawing. Okay. We’ve lied twice now, so they’ll expect it. We can’t charge, because SOMEONE forgot to put the wheels on!
Red glares at Green.
Black: Wait! I know!
Back outside the Bowser, the mouth opens, and red fire comes out. The Mario Bros. barely dodge.
Mario: Woah! It really can breathe fire! Maybe it really is Bowser.
Luigi: But he doesn’t look like Bowser.
It’s revealed that Red is in the Bowser, holding the mouth open, as Black is holding a Fire Flower shooting fire, making the illusion that it’s breathing fire.
Luigi: Now what?
Mario: I know!
Fire is shot at Mario, who hammers it back at “Bowser”, causing “him” to catch fire. It explodes, and the Koopa Bros. are where it once stood.
Red: Oh. Shell-stack Attack!
The Brothers stack, and launch themselves at Mario and Luigi. Luigi tosses his hammer at Red, knocking him off the stack. Mario picks him up, and tosses him off the ledge. Meanwhile, Luigi jumps on Black’s head, causing the stack to fall over. Luigi hammers Green over the edge, and Mario hammers Yellow off the edge. Mario and Luigi do a Bros. Attack on Black, knocking him over the edge.
Mario: That was easy.
Luigi: I’ll say.
A card appears. Mario touches it, and Eldstar appears.
Eldstar: Finally! But for taking too long in meeting me on Shooting Star Summit, and taking too long in freeing me, you won’t get any special attacks.
Mario holds up a Fire Flower, aimed at Eldstar.
Eldstar: Uh, power!
The Star Spirit
blasts Mario and Luigi out of the fortress, and vanishes to Star Haven.
CHAPTER 2: MOUNTAINS, DESERTS, and TEMPLES. ZELDA GAME, ANYONE?
Peach is in her room, talking to Twink.
Twink: Maybe we should go help Mario.
Peach: Okay. Wait. WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER?! I ASKED YOU TO GO TO MARIO, AND YOU NEVER DID! YOU LEFT, BUT I DON’T REMEMBER HOW YOU CAME BACK!
Twink: Uh, deleted scene?
Peach: Okay. That’ll work… for now. How should we help Mario?
Twink: Maybe we could go look for evidence, or something like that?
Peach: Okay.
Peach opens her door, and karate chops every Koopatrol she sees. Eventually, she finds Bowser’s diary in his study.
Peach: Ooh! How juicy!
Peach gets an evil grin. She opens the diary, and reads it.
Peach: (reading) Today, I stole the Star Rod, and became invincible. Cool! Then I went to Peach’s Castle, and beat up Mario and Luigi. Kammy had to treat my wounds from breaking the glass window, and that was pretty wild, let me tell you. You had to be there.
Twink: Oookay. I think this is Bowser’s diary.
Peach: Oh, you think?! (reading) Today, Mario and Luigi beat the Koopa Bros. I can understand that, though. They were idiots. Especially the green one. But I’m not worried. Mario and Luigi still have to get the others. But I think I’ll send Tutankoopa in Dry, Dry Ruins some extra minions just in case, as he’s the next weakest boss. Still, I’m not worried. In fact, I’m so not worried, I’m going to bed.
Twink: I’ll go tell them.
Peach: Wait, Luigi’s with Mario? That doesn’t normally happen.
Twink flies off, and Peach goes to the kitchen for a snack. After that, she goes to her room, so Bowser won’t suspect her of beating up the guards. Meanwhile, Mario and Luigi have landed on Pleasant Path from their fall.
Mario: Ouch.
Luigi: Stupid star.
Twink appears.
Twink: Go to Dry, Dry Ruins. Or else I’ll kill you.
Luigi: WHY DO ALL THE STAR PEOPLE HATE US?!
Mario: Fine. You win this round.
The Star Kid flies away. Jr. Troopa appears.
Jr: Arrgh!
Luigi: Can we help you?
Jr: I want revenge! I had to learn how to climb up cliffs, so now I’m tougher than I was!
Mario: We’ve met?
Jr: WHAT?! YOU’VE FORGOTTEN ME?! DIE!
Mario hammers the infant.
Jr: Ouch! Power!
Jr. hides in his egg. His defense power is increased. He charges at Luigi, but hits a tree.
Jr: Ouch! Just try to attack me!
Luigi: Aren’t you going to suffocate in there?
Mario: He has a point.
Jr: Huh? ACK!
Jr. faints. The Bros. ignore him, and go to the Toad Town Train Station.
Engineer: You have to move that rock, if you want to procee-
Mario throws the engineer at the rock, causing it to break. Mario activates the train, and as it leaves, it runs over the engineer.
Luigi: You just killed him!
Mario: So?
Luigi: Just letting you know.
Mario: Okay, then.
They realize that they’re going too fast. They jump out the window, and the train crashes into the station at the base of Mt. Rugged. The station and train are destroyed. Mario and Luigi start going around on Mt. Rugged.
Parakarry: It’s you two from earlier in this FF! Help me find letters, and I’ll join you!
Mario: Why do we want you to join us?
Parakarry: I can carry you over ledges.
Mario: We have it covered.
Parakarry pulls out a mini Bullet Bill Blaster.
Parakarry: Find the letters, or die.
Luigi: RUN!
Parakarry chases the Brothers to the area with Buzzar.
Buzzar: Halt! Who are you?
Mario: Luigi.
Buzzar: Then who’s that?
Luigi: Parakarry.
Buzzar: Then who’s that?
Parakarry: Pa-
Luigi: MARIO!
Buzzar: Die!
The bird kills the mailman, who somehow kills him back. The Bros. soon make it to the desert.
Kolorado: Hello!
Mario: Hooktail killed your dad.
Kolorado: NOOOO!
Kolorado and his men run away.
Luigi: Wait, that game didn’t happen, yet.
Mario: Shhh! I’d rather have that idiot at the funeral parlor than in the same place as us!
Luigi: Oh.
They go to Dry, Dry Outpost. At the other end of town, they meet Sheek.
Sheik (Zelda): Why am I in a Mario game?
No, not you, the mouse. And his name’s spelled differently.
Sheik: Oh. Okay.
Sheek: If you want to enter Dry, Dry Ruins, you must be nice to me, so you can meet Moustafa, so he’ll help you.
Luigi pulls out a hammer.
Sheek: That’s not very nice.
Luigi sets the hammer on fire with his green fireballs and looks menacingly at Sheek.
Sheek: Not nice.
Mario pulls out his hammer, and does the exact same thing, but with red fireballs.
Sheek: AAAH! OKAY! HE’S ON THE ROOF!
Sheek runs into the building. They soon enter a room to see Sheek reveal himself to be Moustafa.
Moustafa: Here’s the Pulse Stone for being so “nice” to me.
Mario: (threateningly) Were you being sarcastic?!
Moustafa: Look! A monkey!
He runs away, and leaves the stone. They go back into the desert, and by dumb luck, find and place the stone in its rightful place. The temple rises out of the sand.
Mario: They use special effects such as these this early in the game?
Luigi: Why is it night?
Don’t blame me! I’m just the narrator!
Mario: P.T.! Why is it night?
P.T.: Don’t blame me! I’m just going by the game!
Luigi: Nintendo! Why is it night?
Nintendo: We lost out daytime backgrounds in a bet. But next time you leave the ruins, it will be day again. We should win them back by then.
Mario Bros: Oh. Okay.
They enter the Ruins. They go along, melting any enemies they see with fireballs and using Bob-ombs they have with them to “solve” puzzles. Well, in parts you use Bombette, I guess that’s still actually solving. Anyway, they see a gray block like the yellow one from Goomba Village.
Luigi: Why is it gray?
Mario: I don’t know. Maybe because Nintendo lost their yellow paint in the bet, too.
They try to break it, but it doesn’t work.
Mario: Or maybe because it’s stronger. Hmmm…. I got it!
They place a bomb near the block, and it explodes. They open the chest to find two Super Hammers!
Luigi: Two hammers here, too?
Mario: Be happy you aren’t stuck with the old one, while I get a new one AND my old one.
Luigi: Okay.
They soon reach a room where they’re to place certain shaped things. But they just use their drill-hammer thingy from M&L2 to go through the ground. They soon find themselves in Tutankoopa’s room.
Tutankoopa: Die!
Mario: I’m guessing you work for Bowser.
Tutankoopa: Yep.
Luigi: Then we have one thing to say… DIE!
The Brothers do a Bros. Attack, knocking the pharaoh-Koopa-thing off his platform.
Tutankoopa: Chompy! Come!
A Chain Chomp comes, and chases Tutankoopa around the room.
Tutankoopa: You’re supposed to kill them! Not me!
Chompy: I was paid.
Tutankoopa: By who?!
Chompy: Silence, non-believer!
Chompy eats Tutankoopa, and leaves.
Mario: …
Luigi: …
Mamar: …
Mario: Huh? Where’d you come from?
Mamar: Silence, non-believer! I will give you a power!
Eldstar: No! They’re evil!
Luigi: Why do we save you, if you all hate us?!
Eldstar: Uh… POWER!
Mamar: POWER!
They blast the Brothers out of the ruins, where they land back in the desert. But now the sky is gray.
Mario: Huh?
Nintendo: We were trying to win the daytime back in another bet, but we lost the only other thing we could bet: Nighttime. So now you have to go with no time of day for a while.
Mario Bros: …
CHAPTER 3: JELLYFISH-ROBOTS, HEARTS, GHOSTS, and FAT GUYS. WEIRD.
Peach is in her room.
Peach: I’m hungry! I’m going to go get a snack!
Twink: Okay!
They leave the room. Peach kills every guard she sees, and makes it to the library.
Peach: Huh? This isn’t right!
Peach tries to leave, but the door locked behind her.
Peach: Darn.
She hears two guys whispering.
Peach: Huh?
Hammer Bro: Did you hear about Tubba Blubba?
Koopatrol: Yes.
Hammer Bro: They say he’s invincible!
Koopatrol: I know.
Hammer Bro: He’s also where Bowser hopes Mario doesn’t go next!
Koopatrol: I know.
Hammer Bro: And there’s Peach!
Koopatrol: I KNO- Wait, what?
Peach: Oh no.
The minions knock Peach out, and literally toss her into her room, breaking the door.
Hammer Bro: We should’ve opened the door before tossing her in. Bowser is going to kill us for making a hole in that door.
Koopatrol: Didn’t know that.
Twink goes to tell the Brothers, who have just made it back to Toad Town.
Twink: Go to Tubba Blubba’s place.
Mario: Why? So that Star Spirit can blast us away, too?!
Twink pulls out a mini Bullet Bill Blaster.
Luigi: (These star people are REAL nice! Not!) Fine!
Twink: Good.
He leaves.
Mario: These star people are getting really annoying.
Luigi: Oh yeah.
They go to Forever Forest.
Strange Creature: To pass through here, you must-
Luigi hammers the creature out of the woods. Mario starts a forest fire, and the whole forest is burnt down.
Shady Parakoopa: STEALAH!
Mario Bros: RUN!
Shady chases Mario and Luigi until they reach Boo’s Mansion. The Brothers run inside.
Shady: Darn it! They ran into a mansion! I don’t know why, but I don’t follow people indoors.
Inside…
Luigi: Wow. This reminds me of my mansion.
Mario: Don’t remind me.
Instead of solving puzzles, they high jump to the top floor.
Bow: Hello! I presume you’re here for the Star Spirit.
Mario: Only because the Star Kid will kill us if we don’t.
Bow: You have to defeat Tubba Blubba if you want this.
A cage lowers with Skolar in it.
Bow: He escaped from his castle. But does it matter? You’d have to fight him anyway, so-
Policemen burst through the window.
Policeman #1: OW! The broken glass hurts!
Policeman #2: Bow, you’re under arrest for holding someone hostage.
Bow: What?
The policeman points to the cage with the Star Spirit in it.
Bow: Oh…
They put arm cuffs on her, and take her to their car.
Bow: Wait, Bowser is the villain! He always does this, but you never arrest him!
Policemen: Silence, non-believer!
They drive away with Bow in their car.
Mario: …
Luigi: …
Skolar: … So, if you stop T.B., you get to have me.
Mario: But Eldstar and Mamar have both rejected us. Not to mention that Star Kid that keeps threatening our lives!
Skolar summons a lightning bolt that almost hits Mario.
Mario: Fine! We’ll do it!
Luigi: I thought you use Star Storms.
Skolar: I lost that ability in a bet. I also lost these day and night backgrounds I won from Nintendo.
Mario: You were the one Nintendo was betting against?
Luigi: Well, at least we have day and night again. Let’s go! So they won’t kill us.
Soon, they make it to the town of Gusty Gulch.
Gulch Boo: Will you beat Tubba Blubba?
Luigi: If we want to stay alive.
They keep going, while running past hyper monsters.
Hyper Goomba: SUGAR!
Hyper Cleft: COFFEE!
Hyper Paragoomba: INSERT THING THAT GIVES YOU ENERGY HERE!
Soon, they make it to the castle. Inside are a bunch of sentinels.
Sentinels: Die!
Mario tosses his hammer at one of them. It falls. Luigi tosses the fallen sentinel at another, which causes it to fall. This goes on, until all the sentinels are dead.
Mario: Why didn’t I do that before? Oh well!
They stack up the defeated sentinels, and climb up the stack. They are now on the lower bridge. Luigi realizes something.
Luigi: WE FORGOT THE SUPER BOOTS!
Mario: So?
Luigi: Just felt like saying that. Really loudly.
But that woke up all the Clubbas in the castle. The Brothers are surrounded.
Mario: Way to go.
Luigi holds out a penny.
Clubbas: SHINY!
Luigi tosses it over the edge. The Clubbas dive after it. After some wall kicks, the Brothers make it to the top bridge, and soon enter T.B.’s room. When he comes in, Mario and Luigi hide. The big guy falls asleep on his bed.
Luigi: (whispering) Maybe we can find something valuable in that box!
Mario: (whispering) Good idea!
Mario opens the box, and grabs the key inside.
Yakkey: BOY IT FEELS GOOD TO GET OUT OF THAT BOX!
Tubba: Huh? What? Who’s there?
Mario Bros: Run!
Yakkey: I don’t know why I’m saying this, but I go to the windmill!
Tubba chases the Mario Bros. through his castle. When they get on the bottom bridge, he ground pounds, causing the bridge to fall. The Brothers jump through a window during their decent. The bridge and Tubba crush the dead sentinels and Clubbas.
Clubba: Thanks a lot, you jerk!
Tubba: …
The Brothers run all the way to the windmill, but…
Hyper Goomba: SUGAR!
Hyper Cleft: COFFEE!
Hyper Paragoomba: INSERT-
The Brothers push the monsters out of the way, and use Yakkey to unlock the door. Inside, they bash their heads on the wooden panel. That makes a hole, which they jump in. After a series of tunnels, they find a heart in a secret room.
Heart: Die!
A bunch of black creatures come. But a kid with a giant key comes, and slays them.
Sora: Yay!
Mario: Hey! No Kingdom Hearts characters allowed!
Luigi: The sign says so!
Sora: Oh. I was just on my way out.
He leaves.
Heart: So, shall we continue?
Mario: Sure.
Luigi: Don’t see why not.
Heart: Die!
The heart summons lightning. But Luigi just charges his hand with electricity, and holds his hand out. He tosses the lightning at the heart.
Heart: BLAGIDAGIBLAGIDAGI- End Transmission!
Lemmy: We’ve used that joke a billion times, already!
Mario: Hey! No Koopalings allowed!
Luigi: The sign says so!
Lemmy: Oh. I was just on my way out.
He leaves.
Heart: AAH! TOO MANY CHARACTERS THAT AREN’T ALLOWED! TOO MUCH LIGHTNING! IT ALL BURNS!
The heart explodes. The Brothers leave, and see that Tubba is just outside the windmill.
Tubba: Did you defeat my heart?
Mario: In a way.
Tubba: Oh. Good.
Luigi: Why?
Tubba: BECAUSE I CAN STAY INVINCIBLE FOREVER, NOW!
Mario: … Perfect.
Luigi: Stall for me!
Mario: Okay.
Mario disco dances for the now permanently invincible Tubba, while Luigi goes back to the castle. He sucks up the ghosts of the dead minions, and runs back to the area with the windmill.
Tubba: Wow! You’re good at disco dancing!
Luigi releases the ghosts, so they can beat up their boss from when they were alive.
Tubba: OH NO! I FORGOT THAT INVINCIBILITY DOESN’T APPLY WHEN FIGHTING GHOSTS! AT LEAST NOT ON THURSDAYS! AND IT’S THURSDAY! AAAH!
Tubba dies. He and his minion’s ghosts go to… Wal-Mart?
Mario: …
Luigi: …
Skolar: …
Mario: How long were you out of the cage?
Skolar: Right after you left the mansion.
Mario and Luigi are about to kill him with a Bros. Attack, but…
Skolar: ELDSTAR! MAMAR! NOW!
Eldstar, Mamar, and Skolar: POWER!
They blast Mario and Luigi back to Forever Forest.
Jr: Now I can have revenge!
Luigi: Are you going to be the stalker-boss?
Jr: Yes.
Luigi: Oh.
Jr: Power!
Jr. grows wings, and a spike on the top part of his eggshell. He tries to fly towards the Brothers, but gets caught on a branch.
Mario: …
Luigi: …
Mario: You’re pathetic.
Jr: I know.