CHAPTER 4: DEADLY, DANGEROUS DESERT OF DOOM
The quartet go to Gadd.
Gadd: That was fast. I’ll examine that drawing you got from Toadbert.
Mario: When did we get that?
Gadd: Deleted scene, of course! Now go to the balcony, non-genius!
A pebble lands on Pile of Air Man’s head.
Pile of Air Man: Ouch!
PILE OF AIR MAN!
PILE OF AIR MAN!
HE FLIES THROUGH
THE SKY, CUZ HE’S JUST AIR!
PILE OF AIR MAN!
PILE OF AIR MAN!
HE CAN’T SAVE
PEOPLE, CUZ HE’S JUST AIR!
Mario Quartet: …
They go to the balcony, and jump into the time hole. Yet they forgot to learn the Bros. Ball and go to Fawful.
Mario: Then how’d we get here?
Luigi: Don’t question the author. You know by now that he’s insane.
It’s true. They come out in Gritzy Desert. Then they head for the Koopaseum. But a stampede of Shroobs come out.
Mario: Look! A talking suitcase!
Mario throws Stuffwell into the distance, and the Shroobs follow.
Stuffwell: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-eth!
However, they still can’t enter the building.
Luigi: Why not?
Because you don’t have a key! A pebble shall land on you! A pebble lands on Luigi.
Luigi: Ouch!
Kylie: Hey, guys! GUYS!
Mario: OH NO! NOT YOU!
Kylie: Yes, me! You have to hit the blocks in all the statues to find a secret entrance. ENTRANCE!
Mario: Fine, just leave us alone!
Kylie: Okay. Bye! BYE!
Luigi: I am not about to spend that long out here! I forgot my sunblock!
However, Baby Mario and Baby Luigi have already run off to a Dry Bones statue. They hit the blocks.
Mario: Oh noes! Now we only have ten seconds to get across via cannon, and hit more blocks!
A Pokey rises, sending Mario and Luigi flying. And they land on the blocks, just in time. So apparently, that counts as hitting them.
Mario: That was lucky.
Shrooba Diver: Hello, mortals. I shall kill you now.
Bob-omb: Me too.
Baby Luigi: You’re ugly.
Bob-omb: What?!
He lights his fuse, and Baby Mario hammers him at the Shrooba Diver, killing them both. Somehow, the Bob-omb can understand baby talk. They then go hit another block pair. Mario and Luigi rush (and trip a lot) to another pair. Finally, they melt the ice around the ? Block.
Mario: Don’t you mean a ! Block?
Nope! Baby Luigi notices a Pipe Block.
Baby Luigi: What does this do?
He hits it, and the adults come out of a pipe.
Baby Luigi: Curses!
They team up (against the babies’ will), and hit the ? Block. A key comes out, and they unlock the front door to the Koopaseum.
Baby Mario: Weren’t we supposed to use the secret entrance? I mean, I’m not complaining. This way is easier, but you know…
No, I know nothing.
Baby Mario: Oh yeah.
They enter the Koopaseum, and see what’s going on. But being smart, they watch from the doorway, where no one seems to be able to see them.
Shroob: Introducing, Princess Shroob!
Fanfare plays, but nothing happens.
Shroob: Ahem. Introducing, Princess Shroob!
More fanfare plays, but no one comes out.
Shroob: Hello? Princess?
Nothing happens. The only sound is crickets, and the sounds of a baby crying. And no, that crying isn’t coming from the Baby Bros.
Shroob: PRINCESS SHROOB, GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE, NOW!
She comes out, and kills the Shroob.
Princess Shroob: (out of breath and panting): Sorry, I saw something shiny in the Minus World, then went there. I got a nickel, and then tried to escape. I eventually died, and reappeared in Level 1-1, because of a 1-Up Mushroom. Then I ran all the way here. So here I am.
Audience and Quartet:…
Princess Shroob: (finally catching her breath) What? Anyway, we shall now see Princess Peach get eaten by a monster who claims to have come from the future!
Audience: Happies!
Peach lowers.
Peach: I’d panic right now, but I’m too busy looking for more pennies like the one I found in the time machine that took me here.
That was a fake.
Peach: Oh… AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! … I’m hungry.
Voice: Must, kill, princess, for, making, prequel, mention.
Peach: You will die if you don’t identify yourself!
The person rises out of the pipe that’s nearby. It’s… Petey Piranha!
Peach: You?
Petey: Yes. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll eat you now.
Peach: Okay. I have nothing better to do.
Petey eats her.
Petey: Do I get paid now?
Princess Shroob: Uh… no.
Petey: You win this round!
He lowers. Mario and Luigi come onto the field.
Princess Shroob: Huh? Are you the four who defeated Swiggler and deactivated Yoob?
Mario: Uh, no?
Princess Shroob: Okay.
Second Shroob: (whispering) They’re lying.
Princess Shroob: SHROOBOID BRAT! COME OUT HERE, NOW!
Brat (from another room): Will I get paid?
Princess Shroob: No.
Brat: (coming into the room) You win this round!
RPG BATTLE! CUE MARIO & LUIGI 2 BOSS MUSIC!
Mario: 60/60
Luigi: 50/50
Baby Mario: 45/45
Baby Luigi: 40/40
Vs.
Brat: 90/90
Mario uses, “Lots
O’ Punches”. 10 damage!
Luigi (with Baby
Luigi) uses, “Hammer”. 5 damage!
Brat uses, “Ask
the Audience”. They choose Luigi!
Luigi: Hey!
Brat uses, “Lollipop”
on Luigi. 49 damage!
Luigi: That was
close.
I use, “Pebble
Drop” on Luigi. 1 damage! Luigi faints!
Luigi: Curses!
He faints, and
Baby Luigi takes his place.
Mario: 60/60
Luigi: 0/50
Baby Mario: 45/45
Baby Luigi: 40/40
Mario uses, “Trickery”.
Mario: Look!
Something shiny!
Brat: Where?
Mario: In the
Minus World. But you can’t take any means of reviving yourself, so hand
them over.
Brat: Okay.
Brat then goes
to the Minus World. He eventually dies to escape, but dies forever due
to not having any 1-Up Mushrooms, Life Shrooms, or Pick Me Ups. Mario uses
them to revive Luigi.
Mario Quartet wins! Battle Over!
Audience: 0.0
Princess Shroob: Holy Moley. Die!
She opens a trapdoor for them to fall through. And for once in my fun fictions, it actually works on the first try.
Luigi: That’s shocking.
Mario: I know. We should’ve had our guard up.
Luigi: No, I was talking about how the trapdoor thing actually worked on the first try.
Mario: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Monty Mole Bros: Hey! Come to our shop!
Luigi: Shouldn’t you wait for us to come to you?
Monty Mole Bros: Uh… No?
Luigi: Wrong!
He jumps on them, killing them. Luigi moves up to level 15!
Luigi: But-
Fine! If that’s your attitude, a pebble will land on your head! And a boulder! And you’ll go back down to level 14! Or lower!
Luigi: Never mind.
They go on. Eventually, the Bros. meet some creatures.
Snifaro, Elite Boom Guy, Bob-omb, and Dark Boo: We will kill-ify you!
Mario pushes the coffin, and manages to crush the Elite Boom Guy and Bob-omb, which causes him to blow up, which kills the Snifits that make up the Snifaro. However, the Dark Boo fazes through the whole thing. But Luigi manages to suck him up with the Poltergust 3000.
Voice: Help me! ME!
Mario: That must be Kylie.
They see Kylie being tied up and hanging over a sand pit with two Shroobs standing by. Petey lunges up out of the pit, and eats Kylie. And the Shroobs.
Shroob #1 (in Petey’s stomach): Why did you eat us?
Petey: I’m still mad at your princess.
Shroob #1: Ah.
Shroob #2: This stomach acid feels like dying!
Yet another Shadow Paper Mario reference. Ugh. Petey goes back down, and the adults soon come across a Monty Mole with a roulette.
Monty Mole: Did you kill my brothers?
Mario: Yes.
Monty Mole: You’re honest. You now have the key to the city.
He gives Mario a giant key, and glows. That causes the Mole to disappear.
Luigi: What on Plit?! Why would we need a key to the city?! What city is there even?!
? and !: Stop using us together so much! We’re allergic to each other!
Luigi: Too bad!
? and ! explode.
Baby Mario: So it’s settled. Our lives will be insane, even as adults.
Baby Luigi: Please, DAD! We’ll change our ways! Just don’t let this be our fate!
Luigi: Aw... They’re scared of explosions.
Baby Mario: Now that I think about it, your adult self is the only one who seems to mistake our words, lately.
Baby Luigi: When I’m older, I’ll try to be different.
Don’t count on it. Anyway, nothing interesting happens until they enter Petey’s room. He appears.
Petey: Aha! I’m in an RPG now! I’m officially a regular in the series, now!
Mario: Whatever. Spit up Peach.
Petey: Oh, she’s not- Uh, I mean, she’s in the other room. Now die!
Mario: Not so fast!
He pulls out Fludd, and defeats Petey like in Super Mario Sunshine.
Petey: Darn you, Mario! Darn you, Luigi! Darn you, Baby Mario Bros! Darn you, Bill Cosby!
Bill Cosby: Oh, that’s it!
Bill squishes Petey. He spits out a shard, Kylie, and Lamek. Bill then kicks Petey all the way to a time hole. Then Bill bursts through the wall, and comes back with Peach. She has a purple Mushroom on her face.
Bill: There you go.
Luigi: What’s that Mushroom?
Bill Cosby: Don’t question things you can’t understand.
Mario: Crazy Koopa FF reference! It burns!
Bill Cosby: Die!
Bill punches the quartet, princess, and shard all the way to the time hole.
Kylie (who just came to): Well, I’m out of here. HERE!
Lamek: I hadn’t appeared yet! I must- Hey! Where’s my bright green sombrero? Without that, I just look like a regular Goomba!
Bill Cosby: How does this hat look on me?
Lamek: That’s mine! Die!
What’s the Mushroom
on Peach’s face? Why does Princess Shroob refuse to pay people? Who is
Pile of Air Man? Will Lamek get his hat back? Why is Bill Cosby seemingly
all-powerful? Why are all my questions so weird? Whatever happened to Stuffwell?
Why does Petey appear so much? What’s the meaning of life? Tune in!
CHAPTER 5: THWOMP ROMP!
After commenting on the lame-sounding chapter name, the gang make it to Gadd.
Gadd: You’re not supposed to go to me. Go to the Toadsworths in the courtyard.
Mario Bros: No.
Random Toad running through the room: He’s back!
Mario Bros. and Gadd: Who?
RTRTTR: Who do you think?
Mario: Just tell us.
RTRTTR: Die!
He tosses the quartet all the way to Peach’s room.
Mario Bros: YOU!
In case you live under a rock, this person is Bowser!
Baby Luigi: Is this Bowser as an adult?
Baby Mario: I’m pretty sure.
Bowser: Sorry, I couldn’t appear earlier in this FF. I saw something shiny in the Minus World and a dead purple Mushroom holding a lollipop, then went there. I got a nickel, and then tried to escape. I eventually died, and reappeared in Level 1-1, because of a 1-Up Mushroom. Then I came here. So here I am.
Mario: What is it with everyone liking shiny things?
Bowser: Don’t question things you can’t-
Mario: Understand, I know! Now do you want us to beat you up here, or do you want to go to a level we haven’t been to yet, so we can make a whole chapter of this FF about getting Peach back from you?
Bowser: I’ll take the second one. It sounds less painful for me. See ya!
He goes outside, and accidentally makes a hole in the bridge and falls into a time hole. The Bros. follow, and appear on Thwomp Volcano.
Mario: Where are we?
Stuffwell: Thou art on Thwomp Volcano-eth.
Mario: AAHH! Where’d you come from?
Stuffwell: Well I was running from the Shroob stampede-eth when I tripped and fell into a warp-eth pipe. I think the stampede fell in, too-eth.
Mario: They did?!
Luigi: Where are they?!
Stuffwell: Behind-eth you, of course!
The quartet jump over the stampede, but Stuffwell isn’t so lucky.
Stuffwell: Ouch-eth. I’ll hide in your pocket-eth.
Stuffwell jumps into Mario’s pocket.
Mario: Curses!
The Bros. are walking up when they see Red Coconutter, Tanoomba, and Thwack.
Red Coconutter: I’m just a pointless palette swap! Give it up for laziness, everyone!
Tanoomba: You are so lame.
The Tanoomba turns into a Chain Chomp, and eats the Red Coconutter. Having nothing better to do, he also eats the Thwack, then eats himself.
Baby Mario: I hate my life.
Baby Luigi: I hate your life more.
Luigi: I’m confused too, Babies.
Baby Mario: You’re hopeless. In the future.
They soon get to the top, and see Peach’s crown.
Luigi: SHINY!
He grabs it.
Mario: And I’ve officially lost Luigi. I’m the only sane one left.
Baby Mario Bros: (No. We are.)
THE VOLCANO ERUPTS! BOOM! Also, a flaming pebble lands on Luigi. It burns his hat into ashes. He now has a pile of ashes on his head.
Luigi: That was strange. Let’s go to that building down there that looks like E. Gadd’s head!
Mario: Why?
Luigi: Just go with it.
Mario: ‘Kay.
They soon enter, and see a younger E. Gadd.
Younger Gadd: Yo.
Mario: The volcano’s erupting.
Younger Gadd: I don’t care. I’m studying Thwomps.
A flaming Thwomp crushes Gadd’s toilet.
Younger Gadd: OH NO! THAT ERUPTION MUST DIE!
Mario: I’d use Fludd, but he’s out of water. And I don’t trust that valve.
Younger Gadd: Fludd? That sounds like a good name. I’ll use that someday! I hearby copyright that name!
Luigi: I’d use the water feature on my Poltergust 3000, but it’s out, too.
Younger Gadd: I hearby copyright that too!
Baby Mario is drinking water from the valve, and accidentally spits it out on the flaming Thwomp.
Younger Gadd: I’ll remember this.
In the present…
Gadd: Hey! I remember that some time ago, Baby Mario spit water to stop a product of a volcanic eruption! I should do something.
In the past…
The gang is outside the newly destroyed lab.
Younger Gadd: Well that was bad. I’ll go to my alternative lab near where I think the big, green guy will have a mansion. Bye!
Stuffwell: Hey-eth! I’m getting a message from the future Gadd!
Gadd: Hey, dudes! I remember what just happened there, so I bought- I mean invented this Hydrogush 4000! It can flood an entire kingdom or volcano! I’ll use it! … As soon as I get the proper cords plugged in. In the manual, it says to connect the red wire to the bottom socket, and-
Luigi: If you invented it, shouldn’t you know how to hook it up?
Gadd: Uh… SILENCE, NONBELIEVER!
He manages to hook the Hydrogush up, and stops the eruption.
Gadd: End Transmission!
Stuffwell closes, and jumps into Mario’s pocket.
Mario: Why is it always my pocket?
Stuffwell: Because-eth!
Mario: …
They soon get back to the top, and see 2 Thwomps.
Mrs. Thwomp: Cheer up. There’s always next year!
Mr. Thwomp: What are you talking about? I couldn’t wait for the eruption to end!
Mrs: We’ll just have to find another volcano.
Mr: I don’t want to go to another volcano!
Mrs: But this one’s done erupting!
Mr: No! I want to go back to watching football!
Mrs: That won’t cheer you up entirely.
Mr: NO! I DIDN’T WANT TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Mrs: Just for that, I’ll take my rage out on the first four people who come into this area next!
As if on cue, the quartet show up.
Mrs: DIE!
Adults: What?
She squishes them, then rolls around the area, crushing them.
Mrs: I AM ALL-POWERFUL!
Suddenly, Lamek lands in front of Mrs. Thwomp.
Lamek: Well, Bill Cosby may have knocked me all the way here, but I managed to regain my hat!
Mrs: Die! For no reason!
She rolls over Lamek, but in doing so, she accidentally rolls off the edge. At the bottom, she shatters.
Mr: Huzzah! Just for that, the next four people I see will get to enter the volcano!
The quartet come to. Except for Luigi. Lamek rises, though.
Mr: You four! Get on me, so you can enter the volcano!
Baby Mario pushes Lamek over the edge, and Luigi comes to. Then Mr. Thwomp takes them into the volcano. Meanwhile…
Bowser: (Peach looks weird with no crown and a purple Mushroom on her face. Oh well.) Anyway, this place will be perfect for a second castle!
Just across the room…
Baby Bowser: (That lady across the room looks weird with a Mushroom on her face. And it seems like she needs a crown. Oh well.) Anyway, this place will be perfect for a second castle!
Bowser: Hey! I just said that! Copycat! Hey, that rhymes!
Baby Bowser: Get lost, gramps! I was here first!
Bowser: No, I was!
Baby Bowser: Shut up, bigger, fatter, scarier version of me!
Bowser: Shut up, guy who looks a lot like Junior!
Both Bowsers: Die! Hey! No, you die! You! Grrr. She sells seashells by the seashore. (Hmm. He’s good.) Let’s team up! Hey! I was going to say that!
Baby Bowser: I guess great minds think alike!
Bowser: Whatever.
Back with the heroes…
Mr. Thwomp: Okay! I think Bowser is at the bottom.
Mario: Whatever.
They go on, and find another Thwomp.
Thwomp: I can take you down to the bottom!
Luigi: Why are all the Thwomps (except the round one with arms) helpful?
A Thwomp lands on Luigi.
Luigi: I should’ve seen that coming.
They try to go down, but a green block is in the way.
Thwomp: Sorry. I can’t go down. It’s in the way.
Mario: You’re a Thwomp, you can break through that!
Thwomp: Yeah, but the Laws of RPGs and Adventures state that-
Mario: What’s with all the references to Crazy Koopa’s FFs?!
Thwomp: Well, P.T. has been getting frequent mentions, plus those are good reasons. And also, I’m lazy.
The quartet go over to a nearby area, and toss the Babies into a hole in the wall for no reason.
Thwomp: Hey, kids. Play my game.
Baby Mario: Mommy said not to talk to strangers.
Thwomp: Doesn’t that count as talking to me?
Baby Mario: Good point. Okay, what do you want?
Thwomp: Put a ball into the cannon, and-
Baby Luigi: Forget this! I’ll just go find and hit the green ! Block!
Baby Luigi goes to the block and hits it. But what about the minions?
Blazing Shroob: We’re on a coffee break!
Ah. Anyway, the main Thwomp can now go lower. But it now hits a red block. So they go to another area.
Thwomp: If you can win my game, you can hit the red block.
But instead, the Bros. just stack up and hit the block. Now they go again, but their Thwomp is stopped by a blue block. However, the ! Block is nearby, so they easily move on. Now they go down to the bottom, and see Peach.
Adults: (Peach looks weird with no crown and a Mushroom on her face. Oh well.) Hi, Peach!
Peach: …
The Babies approach, and a small shell emerges from the ground.
Baby Bowser: I’m back!
Baby Mario: Crud.
Bowser appears.
Bowser: I’m back!
Mario: Crud.
Bowser: We’ve decided to team up against you!
Baby Bowser: I wanted to say that!
Bowser: Well too bad! I said it, so there!
Luigi: You do know that that’s your baby self.
Bowser: Woah. You do know that you have a pile of ashes on your head, right?
Luigi: Oh.
Luigi takes Baby Luigi’s hat, and puts it on. Luigi then takes out a spare hat, and puts it on Baby Luigi’s head.
Baby Luigi, both Marios, and both Bowsers: …
Luigi: What?
Suddenly, Lamek lands on Baby Bowser. Then, P.T. and Orbulon (still in the UFO) land on Bowser.
Lamek: Time to kill you!
P.T.: And our mission failed.
The Koopas come to, and throw Lamek, Orbulon, and the UFO into the lava.
Baby Bowser: I could’ve sworn we tossed you, too.
P.T.: You did, but I’m just that good. Now if you don’t mind…
P.T. grabs the UFO out of the lava before it gets burnt, and flies out of the volcano.
Mario: Now to defeat you!
Mario grabs Baby Bowser, and knocks him out. Then he dunks him in the lava, killing him. Then, Bowser disappears.
Mario Quartet: HOORAH!
But Lamek comes out of the lava with a small Dry Bones on his hat.
Lamek: Good thing I had a 1-Up Mushroom.
Then, the skeleton comes to life.
Dry Bones: I am Baby Bowser Bones! Like Bowser Bones from New Super Mario Bros, but as a baby.
Random Salesman: Hey! Anyone want to buy my new “Skin-in-a-can”? Just spray, and you get skin!
BBB takes a can, and pushes the salesman into the lava. He gets skin, and Bowser somehow reappears.
Luigi: This is taking too long! I have an idea! Bowser! Baby Bowser! You’re both ugly!
Bowsers: Die!
The quartet run away, and as soon as the Bowsers are on the Thwomp…
Luigi: Hey! Thwomp guy! There’s something shiny at the top of the volcano!
Thwomp: Shiny!
He rises with the Bowsers still on him, and stops at the top. It’s so abrupt, that it sends the Bowsers flying. Bowser lands in a time hole, and somehow ends up in the throne room. Then, a device of some sort sucks the quartet and Peach into the Shroob mothership!
Lamek: What about me? How will I get out?
Oh, you found a warp pipe that took you to wherever the Bros. will go next.
Lamek: Okay.
Why does Lamek want to be a recurring enemy? What will happen to the quintet? Where did Baby Bowser go? What will happen to adult Bowser? Where is P.T. going? Why are all my questions so far about going somewhere? Why did the Tanoomba eat his coworkers and himself? Why did Gadd make it seem like he invented the Hydrogush 4000? Why is the younger Gadd making so many references to future games? Tune in!
*whispering*
What? There’s more? Okay. Why wouldn’t Mrs. Thwomp listen to Mr. Thwomp? Why was everything in the volcano so lame? Why does everyone like shiny things? Why did Luigi have strange logic with the whole hat thing? Why was the battle room scene so weird? Why are there so many questions? Tune in! Now are we done?
*whispering*
Good.