Paper Mario Brothers 2: Pinheads in Time

By P.T. Piranha

April 14, 2007


Baby Mario and Baby Luigi come to Peach’s castle.

Toadsworth: Go away!

Baby Mario: What about our playdate with Peach?

Toadsworth: Go away, or die!

Baby Luigi: Oh no! We haven’t gone one page, yet we’ve already made a reference to the prequel!

Baby Mario: You sound a lot like your older self.

Teenage Luigi: Yeah, baby!

Baby Mario: … Page one, and this story has already gotten retarded. Just let us in!

Toadsworth: Not by the hairs on my chinny chin-

The Babies walk past him, and see Baby Bowser kidnapping Baby Peach.

Baby Bowser: Bwahaha!

Baby Mario: Come on, now you’re doing this as a kid?!

Baby Bowser: Yes! Nintendo wanted me to!

The Baby Mario Bros. beat up Baby Bowser.

Baby Bowser: Why you little…!

He starts strangling Baby Mario.

Baby Luigi: I could do something about that. Or I could let him die, and take all the fame as an adult!

Baby Peach: Goo.

Baby Luigi: Make me!

Baby Peach punches Baby Luigi.

Baby Luigi: Fine, Ms. Bossy-Pants!

He punches Baby Bowser, making him drop Baby Mario. They then jump on his head, a lot.

Baby Bowser: Ouch!

Then, a bunch of saucers appear. They start shooting lasers.

Babies: AAAHHH!!!

Baby Mario: You know, if that didn’t happen in the game, I’d think P.T. added that, seeing how stupid and random he seems.

Baby Luigi: I can see that.

Baby Bowser pulls out a cell phone.

Baby Bowser: Baby-King to Super Mage, Baby-King to Super Mage. Come in! Aliens are attacking, repeat! Aliens are attacking!

Kamek appears, 30 minutes later.


Kamek: What, I can’t eat my hotdog? I was just about to eat it, then I lost it, then I found it, then I ate it, then I came! I have a life too, you know!

Baby Bowser: Just get us out of here!

Kamek: Fine, fine! (Bossy baby.)

He teleports them to the Koopa Kruiser. Meanwhile, in the present…

E. Gadd: Welcome to the unveiling of my new device! A time machine!

Mario: One can only wonder why you haven’t made a time machine before.

Gadd: Silence, nonbeliever! Now, I need someone to test it on. Peach! Enter teh machine!

Peach: Don’t tell me what to do!

Gadd throws a penny into the machine.

Peach: PENNY!

Mario: Great. She goes from gluttony to greed. She’s like a second Wario!

She enters the machine, and Gadd presses some buttons. She disappears. Then, Junior Shrooboid comes out, as the machine breaks.


Gadd: Oops.

Junior: No, I just entered the machine and tossed Peach out right before the return trip… What happened to my foreign language?

Gadd: Maybe you left it in the past.

Junior: Likely.

Mario beats up the alien.

Random Toad: Yo, dudes! A time hole, which I have no idea how I know what it is, just popped up in the courtyard! You should totally jump in to visit the past for no reason!

Mario: Moron!

Mario fireballs him to death. He then goes there. There, Mario, Gadd, Toadsworth, and a few Toads are staring at it because it’s pretty. Luigi wants to see (Yes, he’s still alive from the prequel somehow), but accidentally falls in.

Luigi: AAAAAAHHHHHH- How come I never had a line as my adult self until now? –HHHHHHHHH!!!

Toadsworth: Mario! Look what you did! Go and get your brother!

Mario: I did nothing!

Toadsworth pushes him in.


He ends up in the past and lands… on Luigi.

Luigi: Ouch! Gosh! Freaking idiot!

Mario: It’s not my fault! The psychotic, old Toad pushed me!

Luigi: Ah.

The time hole seals up.

Mario Bros: D’oh!

They continue. Oh wait! What about Stuffwell? Don’t worry, he falls through the sky and lands on Luigi’s back!


Gourmet Guy: Welcome to my world.

Stuffwell: I’m here to help, even though you might not need it.

Mario: If you shut up, we’ll let you stay with us.

Stuffwell: Sweet-eth!

Luigi (muffled ‘cuz his face is in the ground): Why did talk like a person from the middle ages?

Stuffwell: Silence-eth, nonbeliever! That shall be-eth my new quirk-eth, from now on.

Mario: We won’t know that, if you’d shut it! Now hop into my pocket, and let the readers forget you exist.

Stuffwell does that, and the Bros. soon make it to a giant Mushroom with Shrooblets.

Mario Bros: Hi, Shrooblets!

Shrooblets: Hi, Mario Bros!

Stuffwell: What about me-eth?

Shrooblets: Hi, medevil-speaking suitcase that Mario wants the readers to forget about!

Stuffwell: That be-eth better.

Mario: Shut up!

Mario kicks the Shrooblets over the edge of the Mushroom, and soon makes it to a snowy village… that’s being terrorized by aliens!

Mario Bros: AAAHHH!!!

Stuffwell: AAAHHH-ETH!!!

Some Shroobs approach Mario and Luigi.

Shroob #1: Die!

Shroob #2: What happened to our language?

Shroob #3: I think P.T. decided to cut that out of the story for no good reason.

Luigi stomp all the Shroobs but one.

Shroob #4: Hey, dudes! That wasn’t cool, yo! Prepare to be owned!

He summons a bomb that blows up… behind the Bros.

Luigi: Okay. First, pits open up, missing the characters. Now bombs explode, missing the characters? Come on!

Another bomb blows up on them, knocking them out.

Shroob #4: Sweet, yo!

Meanwhile, the Babies, Toadsworth, and Kamek are on the Koopa Cruiser.

Intercom: Mawio! Luigi! Get up hewe, now!

Baby Mario Bros: I thought you could pronounce your R’s just fine!

Intercom: I can! But this intewcom messes them up! Now get up hewe!

Baby Mario Bros: Fine.

They go to the deck.

Baby Peach: Googoo-gaga!

Toadsworth: She says that someone should save those guys that look like adult versions of Mario and Luigi. Mario! Luigi! Do it, or I’ll flush your Wii down the toilet!

Baby Luigi: Wiis haven’t been invented, yet!

Toadsworth pushes them out the window, and they land on the Shroobs that beat adult Mario and Luigi.

Baby Mario: That was easy.

The Babies take their adult selves to the Cruiser, and they go to Baby Bowser’s castle. What awaits the adults? What awaits the babies? Who are these strange aliens? Will Stuffwell ever shut up? Will the people around Mario and Luigi in both the path and present smarten up? Will Toadsworth go through with his Wii threat? Tune in next time!


The Koopa Cruiser lands in Baby Bowser’s Castle. And somehow, Mario and Luigi (and Stuffwell) get separated from the group.

Stuffwell: AAHHH! We’re lost-eth!

Mario: Shut it!

Luigi: Let’s continue, and see if we can figure out what’s going on.

They do so. Soon, they see some Goombas and a walkway above the ground.

Goomba #1: Intruders! Prince Bowser will be most displeased!

Mario: What are you talking about? Bowser’s a full-grown Koopa! Wait, what year is this?

Goomba #2: About 30 or so years before 2005.

Mario Bros: Mamamia!

They stomp the Goombas. Eventually, they meet their baby selves.

Baby Mario: Look, it’s those freaks from Hollijolli Village!

Baby Luigi: Yeah.

Mario: What are they saying?

Baby Mario: Gaga. Goop.

Yes, the Babies have been speaking in translated baby-jibberish this whole time. How Toadsworth could understand them, we’ll never know.

The Mario Bros. leave, and the Babies start crying.

Luigi: Aw... They like us! Otherwise, they wouldn’t cry when we leave them.


Baby Mario: I HAVE NO IDEA!

Mario: We should take them along.

Luigi: I remember something like this years ago. I also remember something about onions… These must be our baby selves!

Mario: Well that would explain why they look like us.

They take the Babies with them.


Luigi: Glad I’m not you. You (as a baby) won’t stop whining!

Stuffwell: Enough-eth! There’s no real-eth significance in the fact that these-eth two were once yourselves! So shut-eth-up about it!

Mario Bros: Fine!

They continue, and see an area where they should toss the Babies up to a ledge. Luigi tosses his former self up, and misses. He lands in the lava.

Luigi: Ooh! I remember that. I had to go to therapy for a while after this adventure.

Mario: Don’t make the suitcase come out to yell at you! He’s already ignored my commands a lot of times!

Luigi: Okay. At least no one has told us to die, yet!

Kamek and Minions: Die!

Luigi: … Nevermind.

The Mario quartet beats up the enemies, with relative ease. Then, a Magikoopa in a bright green cloak appears.

Magikoopa: Die!

Luigi: Who are you?

Magikoopa: I’m Kamek’s cousin, Lamek! I’m like Kamek, but lamer!

Lamek tries to cast a spell, but accidentally hits himself with it.

Mario Quartet: Lame.

Lamek: Ah. My purpose is served.

He jumps into the lava…Lame. Anyway, the Bros. of the past and present make it to a room with an adult shine block. The Bros. throw the babies into a hole in the wall, and hit the block.

Baby Mario: Hey! A Shine Sprite!

The light goes out. Luigi hits the block, and the babies get burned. Mario hits it again, and the light comes back. The Babies rush through the path, before they get burned once more. They make it to the area with the ? Box, which contains a Cobalt Star shard.

Luigi: This is too easy.

Lamek rises out of nearby lava.

Mario: Curse you, Luigi! You and your jinxing!

Lamek: (demonic and robotic voice) You’ve basically smashed through the whole chapter in a small amount of pages. Now you must die.

Lamek transforms into a giant robot. He shoots a fist at Luigi, knocking him out and into the wall with the Babies on the other side.

Mario: Oh no! What do I do now?

P.T.: Fear not, Mario! I shall help! I’ve been meaning to appear in this story, anyway. Super Fist of the Nosehair: Mario Toss!

Mario: Wha-AAHHHH!

He throws Mario at the robot’s head, knocking it into the lava. That ejects a Goomba in a chair from where the head once was. Mario lands in the lava, but gets out. One quick 3rd degree burn treatment later…

Mario: A Goomba? What about Lamek?

Goomba: I am Lamek! But to tell me apart from other Goombas, I’ll wear a bright green sombrero.

He puts one on. P.T. kicks him into the lava. He then pushes what’s left of the robot into the wall that keeps the Babies away from the grownups.

P.T.: Now to get on with the actual story!

Mario: But the chapter is still too short!

P.T.: Hmm. I’ll have to think about that. COME ORBULON! THERE ARE LIVES TO BE SAVED!

P.T. hops into Orbulon’s UFO with him, and they head to who-knows-where.

Mario: …

Mario goes to wake up Luigi and reunite with the Babies. They hit the ? Block, and gain the first shard. They then go into the next room, which contains a warp pipe. They hop in, go into a room with a four-person switch, step on said switch, and enter the door.

Baby Luigi: Bowser’s bedroom looks like this? I thought it’d be a lot more fearsome!

Baby Mario: You got that right!

Luigi: I can’t believe Bowser’s room used to look like this!

Mario: Yeah! It’s a lot more fearsome, nowadays! … Look! A Time Hole!

Luigi: That’s what got us here! Maybe we can go back!

Mario: And we can’t leave these Babies here. This is their enemy’s home! Plus I think I heard about some aliens invading, so we might want to keep them with us, so we won’t die, ourselves.

Toadsworth: Hey, y’all!

Mario Quartet: …

Toadsworth: Yo, dogs! I don’t think we should jump in! Fo’ rizzle!

Mario Quartet: … …

Stuffwell: But we must-eth! The Shroobs are invading Peach’s castle! Dost thou really want-eth to live in an alien-infested world?

Mario: … … …

Toadsworth: Yo, I need to think about it.

The quartet and suitcase jump into the time hole. Toadsworth (with Baby Peach) jump in, too. Back in the present, the heroes emerge near where they departed. They go to Gadd.

Gadd: You were fast.

Quartet: Huh?

Gadd: You only fell into the time hole a second ago. Luckily, I get to my area fast.

Mario: What are you talking about?! We haven’t been in the present since the prologue!

Gadd: Ah, but all that time was in the past. And since we’re not in the past, we don’t feel the time change. I like eggs.

Mario: Lame.

Gadd: Cobalt Star shards are important. Collect them. Go to the Time Hole in the bedroom, or d-

Luigi: WAIT! Threatening our lives was the joke for the prequel! We have to think of a new one now!

Mario, Stuffwell, Babies, Gadd: You’re right. Hmm…

Luigi: Whatever! We’ll think about it later! Now let’s just go!

They soon make it to the room, and jump into the hole. Will I be able to think of a new running gag? Will Stuffwell ever listen to Mario? Will the quartet’s quest be successful? Will Lamek ever return? Will P.T. and Orbulon succeed in their mission? Will someone ever tell me what PWN means? Tune in!

Read on!

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