Chapter 2: I Lost My Punies In San Francis-er Boggly Woods
Mario and Fred Fredburger go to the Thousand-Year Door and blah blah blah and go to Boat Man's house blah blah blah, but instead of Boat Man, they see a goat.
Goat: BAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (I am Goat Man, here to replace Boat Man.)
Mario: What?!
Boat Man comes in.
Boat Man: Hey! Who in the world are you?
Goat Man: BAAAAAAAA! ( I am here to replace you.)
Boat Man: You think you can replace me?
Goat Man: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Yes.)
A two-ton weight falls on Goat Man, killing him.
Goat Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mario: What just happened?
Boat Man: Whewf.
Dog: Only I'm allowed to say woof.
Boat Man: Thank goodness I didn't die, or I'd-
BAM!
Boat Man got shot by a rifle, but gets revived.
Boat Man: Good thing I still have 100 lives.
100 Thwomps squish him. A Game Over screen appears, and asks if he wants to continue. He presses yes.
Boat Man: HAHA!
Guy Who's Been Behind All This: Dang it!
The mayor walks in.
Mayor: Hey, has anyone seen Chompy?
Boat Man: Long story.
Mario: Can we go now?
Boat Man: Yes, you must go to someone who knows where Boggly Woods is.
Mario: Who do we go to?
Boat Man: Your mom! HAHA! *snort* *fart noise* *random dance* *pizza pie*
OOOOOOOOOOOOK. They go down into the underground and meet a weird, tiny bug thing with an antenna with a ball at the end.
Bug Thing: Hi, I'm Punio, don't bully me.
Mario: Let's bully him! >:)
Punio: If you don't, I'll show you Boggly Woods.
Mario: Uugh, fine.
Punio shows them two pipes.
Punio: We must go down the right path.
Mario tries to decide which to go in.
Mario: Hm. Right path, wrong path, right path, wrong path. *gasp* Which way should I go?!
By then, Punio and Fred Fredburger are going down the right pipe.
Mario: I knew they'd get back at me.
Mario goes down a pipe and ends up in the woods.
Mario: Where are we?
Punio: Boggly Woods.
Mario: Oh.
Mario's mail beeps.
Mail: You got mail!
Mario: Since when do I have Email?
Dear Mario,
I still like pie.
Signed,
Princess Peach
Mario: What? She didn't even tell me where she is!
They advance and see three shadow figures: one short, witch-looking one (Beldam), one fat one (Marilyn), and one that seems to be tortured by her sisters (Vivian).
Beldam: Curse you, Vivian. You lost the sketch of the enemy.
Vivian: What sketch?
Beldam takes a sketch of Mario out of her pocket and waves it in front of her face.
Beldam: This one, you moron!
She puts it back in her pocket.
Vivian: We have pockets?
Beldam: Probably. But anyway, ugh, incompetent fool! You lost the sketch!
Vivian: You just put it in your pocket!
Beldam: I'm not going to fall for that! We don't have pockets.
Mario then walks by.
Mario: Hi witchy, hi fatty, hi hottie.
Vivian: Actually, in the Japanese version I'm a boy.
Mario: WHAT?! Blegh!
Vivian: EEEW! I got puke on me!
Mario: *gasp* Uh oh. When you have puke on you, who you gonna call? Pukebusters! I ain't afraid of no puke!
Vivian: Technically, no one is afraid of puke.
Punio: AAAH! Puke!
Punio cowers in fear behind Mario.
Vivian: What is Pukebusters, anyway?
Mario: Oh, just that cleaning shop over there.
He points to the huge cleaning shop right in front of them.
Beldam: I thought it looked different here.
Mario and his partners leave.
Marilyn: GUH GUH GUH! (I think he might have been that guy on the sketch.)
Beldam: I'm sure he wasn't.
Vivian: I think it-
Beldam: Shut up! Now, let's look at the sketch.
She takes the sketch out of her pocket. Well... I guess it's her pocket. If not then I don't want to know where she puts it.
Beldam: *gasp* It is the right guy! Vivian, why didn't you say anything?!
Vivian: I tried to say I-
Beldam: Shut up! You're in for a huge punishment when we get home!
Vivian: If you don't punish me I'll give you a cookie.
Beldam: Uugh, fine.
BACK WITH MARIO:
Mario: That was weird.
Punio: Let's go visit Flurrie.
Mario: Who's Flurrie?
Punio: You ask too many questions!
They end up in a puzzle where you have to raise the ramp to get to Flurrie's house.
Mario: Are these game designers stupid? I can jump.
Punio and Fred Fredburger: Well we can't.
He follows along with the partners because it is a rule that your partner will always be with you.
Mario: Okay, let's visit Flurrie.
They go inside a house and see a door where, on the other side, Flurrie's talking.
Flurrie: Hi, I'm fat, so will you get me a necklace so people will be distracted by that instead of my fat? If you do I'll give you a cookie.
Mario: Ha! If I had a cookie for everytime someone promised me a cookie but didn't give it to me, I'd be as fat as you.
Flurrie: For real this time.
Mario: Okay.
They go back to the Shadow Sirens.
Beldam: You, you were the one in the sketch. You are the enemy!
Mario: Whose enemy?
Beldam: Grodus sent us to eliminate a guy he doesn't know or care about.
Mario: Who's Grodus?
Beldam: You ask too many questions!
Punio: Already used that joke.
Vivian: By the way, I found this pretty necklace and ate it because it was shiny.
Mario: Who are you girls anyway?
Beldam: We are...
Marilyn: The three Shadow Sirens!
Vivian: I was supposed to say that last part.
Beldam: Shut up, Vivian! Let's battle!
Beldam tries to use Freeze, but Mario hammers her down. Marlyn does a body slam but Mario sidesteps. Vivian does Shade Fist but accidentally burns herself.
Mario: You guys stink at fighting.
Beldam: Oh yeah? Watch this!
They combine to make the Megasiren, and they charge into Mario, but they are really fat and so really slow. Mario, Punio, and Fred Fredburger sidestep and the Megasiren crashes so slowy that it explodes. The Shadow Sirens then fall from the sky, but Marilyn lands on Vivian, causing her to throw up the necklace.
Fred Fredburger: Yes!
Fred Fredburger eats the necklace.
Mario: Grr!
Mario hammers Fred Fredburger so he throws up the necklace.
Mario: I wonder who else is going to eat this.
Punio eats it.
Mario: Ugh!
ONE DISSECTION LATER:
Mario: Okay Flurrie, we got the necklace.
Fluurie: Great, now hand it under the door.
Mario hands it under, and one second later Flurrie bursts trough the door.
Flurrie: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!
Mario: 0.0
Flurrie: Um, sorry. Well here are your cookies.
Mario gets 2 cookies.
Mario: You are fat. I challenge you to a fattle, a fat battle.
Fat Man hops through the window.
Fat Man: Me too!
FATTLE!!!
Mario uses fat charge on Fat Man. 3 damage.
Fat Man uses belly bump on Flurrie. 8 damage.
Flurrie uses body slam on Mario. 5 damage.
Mario: Aaw, forget this!
Mario eats his cookies and sugar bumps them both, defeating them.
Fattle over.
Punio: Are you done yet? If you aren't, I will fattle you.
Mario: Ha! Are you kidding? You're not fat!
Punio: Oh yeah?
Mario: Yeah!
Punio: Oh yeah?
Mario: Yeah!
Punio: Oh yeah?
Mario: Yeah!
Punio: Oh yeah?
Mario: Yeah!
ONE LONG HOUR OF YEAHS LATER:
Mario: Well, let's see if you're fat!
Punio: All right.
Punio turns into a fat thing the size of Flurrie, Mario, and Fat Man times three.
Mario: Woah! Okay, we'll do what you want. But first...
Flurrie has joined your party! She can do useless stuff, blah blah blah, the end.
Fred Fredburger hops in Mario's pocket.
IN MARIO'S POCKET:
Fred Fredburger: Hey, does anyone want to sing with me?
Goombella: Stuck with this idiot? No! Curse you, cruel life!
BACK AT FLURRIE'S HOUSE:
Punio: So, my friends were captured by the X-Nauts and are trapped in the Great Tree.
Mario: (sarcastically) Oh great, so now we have to rescue your friends in this tree that you call great while battling mega tissues!
Punio: This is serious!
Mario: Oh relax, nothing in this story has been serious so far.
Punio: Good point.
They go to the Great Tree and see a locked door.
Punio: Well, I heard there was a secret entrance here, but it won't just be labeled "secret entrance".
Mario pokes the tree, causing the bark to fall down and reveal a small hole that says "secret entrance" in big, flashing lights.
Punio: Apparently I'm wrong.
They go inside and see an empty room.
Punio: Where is everybody?
Other Punies pop from behind the stones. The fat one starts talking.
Fat Puni: I am Puniper. And you are a witch! BURN HIM! BURN HIM!
Punio: He's not a witch, he's Mario.
Puniper: Oh yeah? Well prove it by finding the Puni Orb, the emblem of the Puni leader.
Mario: Oh, you mean that shiny rock right next to me?
Puniper: Dang it. Bet you can't free the Puni Elder, though.
Mario: Whatever.
Two X-Nauts appear.
X-Naut: Charge!
They ram into Mario but completely miss and bump into a wall.
Mario: I'm out.
Mario goes up a few rooms. Meanwhile...
Random X-Naut: Hmm, now what do I do? Ooh, I know!
The X-Naut starts randomly dancing. Then a figure comes and knocks him down for no reason.
BACK WITH MARIO:
Mario ends up in a room where the elder is in one cage and Petuni (Punio's sister) and the others are in another cage.
Mario: What happened?
Elder: Just get the key.
Mario: Okay.
They advance to the next room, where they see an unconscious X-Naut. Then a figure comes down. The figure is really...
Goo: HIIMGOOTHATGUYFROMFOSTERSANDIJUSTKNOCKEDTHISGUYDOWN
ANDDONTASKMEWHYCAUSEIDONTKNOW!
Mario: Ever heard of a space bar?
Goo: NOPENOWANYWAYCANIJOINYOUREPARTY?!
Mario: Sure.
...
Mario: Nothing's happening.
Do you honestly think that I'll tell you what she does after the first time?!
Mario: Okay, don't have a cow, man.
Actually, I just took home a fat cow called Jordan.
Jordan: MOOOOOOOOOO!
The X-Naut wakes up.
X-Naut: Hey! Were you the ones who knocked me out?
Mario: No.
X-Naut: Oh, well okay then.
Anyway, they go back to the last room and free the Puni Elder.
Elder: Punio! Why didn't you rescue the others first? Respect your elders, and brush your teeth and...
TWO HOURS LATER:
Elder: ...and eat your vegetables. Did you hear all that?
Punio: I'm sorry, what was that?
Elder: I said-
Everyone: NO!
They go back to the entrance.
Puniper: All right, we'll join you, but only if we free the others.
They go up one room, where they see a scale sort of thing with a pedestal.
Mario: Hmm. If there was a random time to put a random rock in a random pedestal, it would be now.
He puts the Puni Orb in the pedestal and the Punies gather around it. The increased weight makes the scale work and a pipe appears.
Mario: Weird.
They go down it into a room where there is a pit with bubble soap at the bottom. Mario pushes the Punies into a pit.
Goo: 0.0
Mario: What? I didn't like them. It's not like they're going to come back up floating in bubbles.
The Punies float up in bubbles, and they land on the other side of the pit.
Mario: Okay. This just got really weird.
Mario hops across and goes in a pipe. They end up in an area with a zigzag platform on top and regular ground at the bottom. They see a spider coming down.
Punies: AAAH! A PIDER! Now instead of staying still, knowing he won't hurt, us let's jump off the cliff for no reason!
They do that.
Mario: *sigh*
Mario kills the pider and hops down, gets the Punies, and gets back up. Then they enter a room, and 10 fly-like things called jabbies come out.
Punio: *gasp* A 10-Jabbi squad!
100 Jabbies come out.
Punio: *gasp* A 100-Jabbi squad!
1,000 Jabbies appear.
Punio: Oh come on! There isn't even a 1,000-Jabbi squad in the game!
Mario: I have an idea. Fly, Goo, fly!
Goo: WAAAH!
She lands on the Jabbies, flattening them. Mario gets 993 lives.
Mario: Yay! 993 up!
The Punies invade the Jabbies' hideout and blow it up. Mario goes inside.
Mario: Yay, a key.
They grab the key, go back to the Punies' jail cell, and open it.
Petuni: Punio! I got you a Mushroom, but it dried out.
She gives Punio a Dried Shroom. He eats it, then explodes, but gets revived because he has a 1-Up.
Punio: Um, tasty?
Petuni: That's my brother!
They go to the other side of the zigzag path a few rooms away and see a pedestal. He puts the orb in and a trap comes down and Lord Crump walks out.
Crump: Grodus hired me again!
He goes down a warp pipe that suddenly appears.
Mario: Wow. Grodus sure does have lousy underlings.
Mario slides through the bars with his paper thin curse.
Mario: Hey look, I'm Nicole Richie!
Goo: JUSTGETONWITHIT!
Mario: Okay, okay.
Mario goes into a room with four pedestals and four switches. He puts them in a random order, opening a hole.
Mario: Yay!
He goes in and opens a chest, finding the Super Boots. The screen turns dotted, and Toadette appears.
Toadette: Hi, you've got an upgrade where you can stomp on your butt.
Mario: You mean I need new shoes to bounce on my butt?
Toadette: Yep.
The screen turns normal and Toadette leaves.
Mario: Okay.
Mario goes back to the cage and pounds the floor, letting everyone escape. They go down some pipes and see a lake. Mario hits a random switch, making the water go downstairs. They go downstairs and cross it. They put the orb in a random stone again, but this time it lowers. They put the orb in another pedestal, and it makes a Crystal Star appear. Crump grabs it.
Crump: Ha!
Mario: Crud!
Crump: Now I will set a bomb so the tree will blow up in five minutes.
He presses a button.
Crump: Whoops, accidentally set it to five seconds. Mommy.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
The tree blows up, but gets revived because it has a 1-Up.
Mario: Now trees have 1-Ups?!
They flee to the first room by the door.
Crump: I guess we should fight now, huh?
Mario: I guess so.
Thank goodness! I thought we would never make it to the boss. Crump hops into a box.
Crump: TRANSFORM!
It starts transforming but it takes a while.
5 MINUTES LATER:
Mario: I'm bored.
Mario takes out a Willy Wonka chocolate bar, when suddenly...
Mario: WOOT! I won a golden ticket!
Mario goes to the chocolate factory and Willy Wonka comes out.
Mario: Hey. Where's everyone else?
Willy: They died. You next?
Mario: No!
Willy: Great, then come into my chocolate land of happiness and eternal suffering.
Mario sees a tortured land with terror all around it.
Mario: Oh. Yay! A chocolate river.
He starts eating from it.
Willy: That's not chocolate, that's mud.
Mario: You're kidding, right?
Willy: Yep.
Mario: Oh, thank goodness.
Willy: It's actually the sewage system.
Mario: What?! Blegh!
Mario wakes up in bed, breathing heavily.
Mario: Oh, it was just a- Woah, wait a second! I wasn't in bed!
Mario flies to the sun and dies, but wakes up and the box is done transforming. It is now a robot.
Crump: Ha! Say hello to Magnus Von Grapple! You can't stop me now!
Magnus powers down.
Crump; @#$%^*! Who pulled the plug?!
The screen shows Goo holding Magnus's cord in one hand and a toaster in the other.
Goo: HEYCANIMAKESOMETOASTHERE?!
Mario: Sure.
Goo: OKAYTHANKS!
She plugs the toaster in.
Goo: TOAST!TOAST!TOAST!TOAST!
FIVE HOURS LATER:
Goo: toast!toast!toast!toast!
EIGHT HOURS LATER:
Goo: toast.toast.toast.toast.
ELEVEN HOURS LATER:
Goo: toast.toast.toast.IMBORED!
Mario: The toast was done 23.9 hours ago.
Goo: OH!
She looks at the toaster, and the toast has got so hot that the whole thing burned to the ground.
Goo: WELLATLEASTWEDIDIT!
Mario: We did it! We did it! We did it! Hooray! Oh, we did it! We went to the tree and beat Magnus Von Grapple! We did it! We did it! We did it! Hooray! We went to Boggly Woods and-
Punio: Just leave!
Mario: Fine.
They take the Crystal Star and go back to Rogueport.
END OF CHAPTER!
AT GRODUS'S PLACE:
Grodus: You lost again?!
Crump: Yeah, they pulled the plug.
Grodus: Whatever.
Meanwhile...
Peach: TEC, you called?
TEC: No.
Peach: Well I came anyway.
TEC: Then will you dance? I heard that you might never dance at the ball again.
Peach: TEC, were you eavesdropping?
TEC: No.
Peach: Oh, well okay then. What is dancing?
TEC: I don't know.
Peach: Let me think.
TWO HOURS LATER:
Peach: That's it. I've found the meaning of life! It is, 42.
TEC: I said the meaning of dancing.
Peach: Oh.
TWO MORE HOURS LATER:
Peach: That's it! To dance, you must play music while moving your body around like idiots.
TEC: Let's do that.
TEC puts on music while Peach moves her body around like a moron and TEC creates a picture on his screen of a guy doing that.
TEC: Thank you. That was fun. Wait! What is fun?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
Peach: I'm just going to send my Email and go.
She sends her Email and goes.
AT PETALBURG:
Bowser: Let's look for the princess. Ooh, there she is!
He sees a window with Peach in it.
Bowser: Okay, come to my castle!
Peach: ...
Bowser: Oh, it's okay. I can have a silent princess at my castle.
A random Koopa comes out.
Koopa: NOO! I'd rather die than give up my lifesized Peach poster!
Bowser: It was just a poster?!
Kammy: How misfortunate Bowser... Hello... Bowser... Bowser!
Bowser is looking through another window.
Bowser: Hey, Mario's here too.
Kammy: That's a picture.
Bowser: Oh. Hey look, a squirrel.
Kammy: That's a rock. Let's get out of here.
They get out of there.
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