Chapter 3: Of Glitz and Boredom
Mario gets their map marked again and go to Boat Man's house.
Mario: When did I get this map, anyway?
Boat Man: I slid it into your pocket for fun.
Mario: What's so good about ancient stuff anyway? Like this thousand-year-old hamster.
Mario takes out the skeleton of a hamster.
Goo: EEEEW!!!
Mario: Or this thousand-year-old wedge of cheese.
Mario takes out an extremely old, lumpy, and moldy hunk of cheese.
Mario: But aside from dead hamsters and expired dairy products, tell us where that Crystal Star is.
Boat Man: In Glitzville, a fighting city up in the sky that you have to get blimp tickets from Don Pianta to go to.
Mario: You didn't even look at the map!
Boat Man: Just go!
Mario: Whatever. Let's go shopping!
Mary Kate and Ashley: Totally!
Mario heads to the west side but is cut off by a woman called Zess T.
Zess: Where's my contact lens?!
Mario: It's right next to you!
Zess: Oh.
Mario: You bore me.
Mario leaves and goes to the shop.
Mario: Hi, do you have old, dried out Mushrooms and random swirly things?
Peeka Boo (shopkeeping ghost): Umm... one Dried Shroom and a Dizzy Dial coming up. By the way, what's the color of your mustache?
Mario: Hmm, this brown dress would be a great gift for Peach when I rescue her.
Peeka Boo: Whoops, I meant to ask what is your favorite color?
Mario: Nah, I'll just get this yellow one.
Peeka Boo: Well, I see you know the password.
She opens a door opposite to the entrance.
Mario: Well, I'm done. Ooh look, random door!
Mario goes through the door and up the stairs and meets a Pianta called Don Pianta.
Mario: Can I have blimp tickets?
Don Pianta: That depends. Do you really need them or are you just asking random questions?
Mario: What is science?
Don Pianta: Fine, but you have to find my daughter Francesca and her husband Frankie. They look like this.
Mario: They look like what?
Don Pianta: Dang it! Stupid game programmers! There's supposed to be a picture in that voice bubble. Just find her!
Mario: Ok.
Mario leaves.
Don Pianta: Heh. Little did he know, I don't have a daughter
Mario comes back in.
Mario: I found your child.
Don Pianta: WHAT?!
Francesca: Daddy. I'm sorry.
Don Pianta: Wait! You're not my daughter! I don't have a daughter! Who are you?!
Francesca takes off her mask, revealing herself to be Mr. Potato Head!
Mr. Potato Head: Dang it!
Mario kicks him out the window.
Mr. Potato Head: IIIIIII"""""LLLLLLLL BBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!
Mario: Can I have that blimp ticket now?
Don Pianta: What are you talking about?
Mario: That blimp ticket you promised me.
Don Pianta: Fine, but you have to find my daughter Francesca and her husband Frankie.
Mario: 0___o
Don Pianta: Don't just sit there! Get to it!
Mario: UUUGGHH!
Mario hammers Don Pianta down and takes the tickets.
Mario: Thank DAD!
Mario heads to the blimp and gets on while it takes off.
Mario: Ah, nothing better than a blimp flying slowly trough the breeze.
Mario accidentally hits the speed switch and the blimp starts going at light speed.
Mario: HOLY- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
The blimp suddenly stops and Mario goes flying in the air, but he lands face first in the floating city of Glitzville.
Mario: Hey, I haven't seen Goo in a while.
Goo: AAAAAGH!
Goo goes flying up through the air and lands in Glitzville.
Mario: Hmmm. Well money hasn't fallen from the sky in a while.
...
Mario: Dang it! Nothing's happening! Well, might as well go before anything random and stupid happens.
Mario's Email rings.
Mario: Oh, great.
Dear Mario,
Do you like pie?
Signed,
Princess Peach
Mario: You're kidding me, right?
Mario does an amazing leap and lands in the Glitz Pit. He goes through a door and sees a giant hawk and an armored Koopa fighting. The yellow hawk muscular guy (Rawk Hawk) stomps the armored Koopatrol and becomes champion.
Grubba: All right! We have a new champion! Rawk Hawk!
Random Bidder in Audience: Ha! I win the bet! Now you owe me 1,054,607,464,765,017,615,716,087,156,137,080,431,601 gold coins.
Other Bidder: Uum, look, a dragon.
Bidder 1: Ha! I'm not going to fall for that! There's no such things as dragons.
Bidder 2: Look, a money tree.
Bidder 1: Where?!
Goo: HMMTHATGUYLOOKSTOUGHWHATSHOULDWEDO?!
Mario: Let's steal it!
Goo: NOWESHOULDFIGHTTOTHETOP!
Mario: Can't we just lay off a darn chapter and steal it?!
Goo: NOISTILLTHINKWESHOULDFIGHTTOTHETOP!
Mario: I hate you.
They walk up to the security guard.
Security Guard: What is it?
Mario: We want to fight in the Glitz Pit.
Guard: What's the Glitz Pit?
Mario: ... The building you're standing in.
Guard: Doesn't ring a bell.
Mario: You know what? Just let me in!
Mario goes through the door and down the hall and enters Grubba's room.
Grubba: So you boys want to be fighters?
Mario: How did you know?
Grubba: What were we talking about?
Mario: Never mind.
Grubba: So for a fight name, how about The Great Gonzales?
Mario: That's the dumbest name ever!
Grubba: Yeah, I know. Genius, isn't it?
Mario: I hate this place.
Grubba: I'll ignore that. Jolene!
A female Toad with glasses, a pink cap, and a clipboard who looks very organized comes in.
Jolene: Okay, Gonzales. I'll lead you to your locker room.
She leads them to a beat up locker section.
Jolene: Well, here you are. When you want to fight, go up to the screen and press A.
Mario: Press A? What do you think this is, some kind of video game?!
Jolene: Uh...
Jolene leaves.
Mario: Well, nothing left to do but mess with the buttons.
Mario presses a bunch of buttons on the screen and Grubba's face appears.
Grubba: Fixin' for a fight, Gonzales?
Mario: *Gasp* It's the god of the TV screen! I will obey you, my master.
Grubba: You will fight the Goomba Brothers.
Mindless drone that used to be Mario: Obey.
A security guard busts the door open.
Mario: That was unlocked, you know.
Guard: Yeah, I know. Now follow me to your match.
Mario follows the guard to the match.
AT THE MATCH:
Grubba: Now for the fight between The Great Gonzales and, the guys who don't know how to use caps lock, The Goomba Brothers!
Five Goombas walk up to the arena.
Leader Goomba: HeY YoU ThInk YoU caN BeAT Us? WE'lL bEat yoU.
Goo: PROVEIT!
Leader Goomba: okAy.
He walks up to Mario but trips over an imaginary pebble and blows him and his teammates up.
Grubba: The Great Gonzales wins! So son, what did you think about your first fight?
Mario: Fight?! What fight?
Grubba: Ha! He sure is a funny one, isn't he?
Mario: No, really, what fight?
BACK AT THE LOCKER SECTION:
King K: Yo! Nice work out there, dog!
Master Crash: Yeah, you sure did whoop them.
Bandy Andy: It must have felt good.
Cleftor: Cleftor remember his first fight.
Mario: Do I know you people?
King K: Is that a trick question?
Mario: Huh?
King K: I'd like to buy a vowel.
Mario: This guy's nuts!
King K: Let's see, I'll take a Q, a 4, another Q, a smiley face, and a chicken leg.
Bandy Andy: So, how did you like your first battle?
Mario: WHAT BATTLE?!
Bandy (Andy): Were you day dreaming?
Mario: All I remember is being in the arena, seeing some Goombas, going to Little Ponyville, and the fight ending.
Bandy: Yep, he was day dreaming.
Mario: Match time!
Mario hammers the screen until it turns on.
Grubba: Another fight, huh?
Mario: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!
Gruuba: You will face the KP Koopas.
The guard busts the door open again.
Mario: Why do you have to do that?
Guard: 'Cause it's fun!
AT THE MATCH:
Grubba: And now, The Great Gonzales and, the guys whose shells are SHINY, The KP Koopas!
Three yellow-shelled Koopas walk into the arena.
Koopa 1: We can never be beaten.
Koopa 2: We will stand tall.
Koopa 3: And we like PIE!
Mario: Hmm, pie. Eureka, I've got it! Look, pie.
Mario puts a pie on the ground.
Koopas: ...
Mario: ...
Goo: ...
Grubba: ...
Mr. Peanut: ...
Koopas: PIE!
They all kill each other over the pie.
Grubba: Now, let the fight begin!
Mario: The fight just ended!
Grubba: Oh, really? I was too busy counting my back hairs. Oh well, The Great Gonzales win!
BACK AT THE LOCKER ROOM:
Mario: Well that was uh... successful. Fighting time... again.
Mario throws chicken at the intercom thingy until it turns on.
Grubba: So your next fight is against the Pokey Triplets.
The guard busts through the door again.
Mario: I really don't see the fun in that.
Guard: That's just because you're a big, fat, meanie face who hates fun!
MATCH AGAIN:
Grubba: Now, it's The Great Gonzales versus, the big desert spike things, The Pokey Triplets!
Three Pokeys walk up to the arena.
Pokey 1: Har har har har har!
Mario: Okay, NEVER laugh like that again!
Pokey 2: We cannot be hurt due to our spikes.
Pokey 3: I'm so lazy I can't even finish my.
Mario: Hmm, I have an idea.
Mario throws Goo into one of the triplets and he falls down, knocking them down like dominoes.
Pizza Guy: You ordered Domino's Pizza?
Grubba: What?
Mario: Oh yeah, Grubba. Before you get mad, I kinda ordered 5,000 cheese pizzas and put them on your credit card.
Grubba: You what?!
Mario: It was King K's idea!
Pizza Guy: Ahem.
Grubba: Well, uh... actually I noticed that your delivery was 1.76507567234650945960 seconds late.
Pizza Guy: Aaw, so now you get them free.
YOU GET THE DRILL, THE LOCKER SECTION:
Mario: This is getting repetitive.
Mario sings Old Mcdonald and the screen turns on.
Grubba: Well, it's fight time again. You will fight The Dead Bones.
The guard opens the door.
Mario: Aren't you supposed to bust it open?
Guard: Oh yeah.
The guard exits the door and busts it open.
Guard: Fight time.
Mario: I'll never understand you.
YOU KNOW WHAT? NO MORE OF THESE FOR THE WHOLE CHAPTER:
Grubba: It's The Great Gonzales against, the skele-people, The Dead Bones.
Three Dull Bones walk up to the arena.
Mario: Dull Bones? Oh, please don't let this be an-
RPG BATTLE!
Mario: 30/30 HP
Goo: Q/H HP?
Vs
Dull Bones: 1/1
HP Each
Mario: -RPG battle.
Mario throws one Dry Bones into the others and they all die. Mario and Goo win.
Mario: Okay, that was way too short.
Grubba: Yeah, I agree, They're usually longer.
Mario: Oh well.
I LIED:
Mario: I hate this job.
Mario touches his toes and the screen turns on.
Grubba: New... fight... Spike Storm... now... pie...
The guard tries to bust the door open but the door is already open.
Guard: Hey, why did you open it?
Maryoh: Because this darn author won't spell my name right!
OKAY, I'LL TRY TO STOP:
Grubba: The Great Gonzales and these spike guys, that's all you need to know.
Two Spinies and a Lakitu walk (or fly) into the arena.
Lakitu: You can't beat us, we have too many spikes.
Mario: Oh yeah, well... um... I know Kung-fu.
Lakitu: No you don't.
Mario reads "Learn Kung-fu in Two Seconds".
Mario: Well now I do.
Lakitu: Uh oh. Group huddle.
The three huddle together.
Spiny 1: I think-
Spiny 2: No... you don't!
Lakitu: Wait, I have an idea.
They get out of the huddle.
Lakitu: Well, Mario, before you kill us, why not have this good, non-poisonous pie?
He holds out a pie.
Mario: I'm not that stupid.
Mario kicks their butt all the way to Pizza Hut (literally).
Grubba: Gonzales wins!
IT'S SO HARD TO STOP:
Mario: I feel like doing something different.
Mario actually goes to the arena himself.
Grubba: Great Gonzales and The Hand-It-Overs.
Mario: How did you know I came here?
Grubba: Guessed.
Mario: Typical.
Three Bandits walk up the stairs into the arena.
Mario: Oh, hello Bandy Andork.
Bandy: It's Andy! And just for that...
RPG BATTLE:
Mario: 30/30 HP
Goo: pi/pi HP
Vs
Bandits: 5/5
HP each
Mario uses jump on Bandit 1. 4 damage.
Goo talks to Bandit 1. toomanytocountdamage. Bandit 1 is knocked out.
Bandit 2 steals Mario's soul.
Bandit 3 steals Mario's dignity.
Bandit 4 eats pie.
Mario: 30/30 HP
Goo: ILIKEPIE!
Vs
Bandits: 5/5
HP each, one knocked out
Mario uses stupid gun on Bandit 2. He becomes stupid
Goo uses KILL! on Bandit 4. Bandit 4 dies.
Bandit 2 eats pie.
Bandit 3 runs in circles.
Mario: 30/30 HP
Goo: 123/45 HP
Vs
Bandits: 5/5
HP each, two knocked out
Mario uses do nothing on Bandit 2. 97,245,694 damage. He gets knocked out.
Goo talks to herself.
Bandit 3 steals Mario's stupid gun and uses it on Mario. Hmm, strange. Nothing happens.
Mario: 30/30 HP
Goo: H/P
Vs
Bandits: 5/5
HP each, three knocked out
Mario pushes Bandit 3 off the arena. Mario and Goo win.
Grubba: Gonzales wins!
Mario goes back to the locker room.
Mario: Anybody else hating this pattern?
Mario walks up to the screen and presses the button. No, seriously, there's a big button labeled "The Button".
Grubba: You are facing the Mind Bogglers.
The guard busts the door open again.
Mario: No, seriously, what's with the bust through the door gag?
Gag: I'll get you.
Mario: Not you again.
Mario goes to the fighting place.
Mario: You mean arena?
Maybe, maybe not.
Grubba: Now, it's The Great Gonzales and, the lord of macaroni, The Mind Bogglers!
Mario: Lord of macaroni?
Grubba: Shut up!
Mario: NOBODY TELLS ME TO SHUT UP!
Grubba: I do.
Mario: Well, okay then.
Gag: You're fast.
Three creatures from Boggly Woods hop into the arena.
Pale Piranha: We will boggle your mind.
Mario: What else will you do?
Pale Piranha: We will boggle your mind.
Pider: That's all he can say.
Mario: Your name has pie in it.
Mario eats him.
Dark Puff: I will huff, and puff, and blow your house down!
Mario: I'm not in my house.
Dark Puff: Oh, well then I give up.
Pale Piranha: We will boggle your mind.
Mario: You notice your teammates are dead, right?
Goo: LET'STRYTOBOGGLEHISMIND!
Mario: Good idea. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Pale Piranha: AAAAAAAUGH!
Pale Piranha explodes.
Grubba: Gonzales wins again.
Mario goes back to the locker sections.
King K: Yo, I'm thinking about retiring soon.
Mario: Sweet. When's the retirement party?
King K: In about fifty millennia.
Mario: Won't we be dead by then?
King K: Maybe, maybe not.
Mario registers and follows the guard to the match.
Grubba: The Great Gonzales and, the people who speak funny, The Punk Rocks!
Three Hyper Bald Clefts enter the arena.
Cleft 1: You, dum dum. Give me gum gum, or you go squish squish.
Cleft 2: Cleftor no like Mustachioed Man.
Mario: What about people who speak funny?
Cleft 3: We no like people who speak funny. KILL!
The three of them kill each other.
Mario: Well that was easy.
Grubba: The Great Gonzales wins!
Mario flies (?!) to his locker room.
Mario: Bored.
Mario signs up for a fight and the guard tries to bust the door open but breaks his neck and dies.
Mario: About time.
Mario walks to the match himself.
Grubba: Now it's The Great Ginzales against, the don'tgetthemangryorthey'llblowup people, the Bob-omb Squad!
Three Bob-ombs walk up to the arena.
Bob-omb 1: BAM!
Bob-omb 2: He said "We will blow you up".
Bob-omb 3: Don't get us angry or we'll explode.
Mario: Hmm.
Bob-omb 1: BAM!
Bob-omb 2: He said "Think all you want, you will never beat us"!
Mario: I slashed your tires.
Bob-omb 3: What?
Mario: I slashed your tires.
They all get angry and light up.
Mario: Gotcha!
Mario puts a glass tube over them, keeping the explosion in.
Bob-omb 1: BAM!
Bob-omb 2: I'm not translating that!
They all blow up.
Mario: Yes.
Grubba: Gonzales wins!
Mario: I want to go get a hot dog.
Mario goes to the hot dog stand and sees Hoggle jumping around everywhere to catch a colorful egg.
Mario: What is this, some kind of new dance?
Hoggle: Help me catch this thing!
The egg hops into Mario's hands.
Hoggle: How did you do that?
Mario: I don't really know.
Goo: AAW,HE'SSOCUTE,WHYDIDYOUTRYTOCOOKHIM?!
Mario: How long have you been following me?
Goo: SOWHATDOYOUTHINK,MARIO?!
Mario: Hmm. Let there be hot dogs!
Goo: MARIO!WHAT'SCOMEOVERYOU?!
Mario: Oh, a lot of stuff. A bird, a plane, a pebble, a pie-
Goo: NO!IMEANWHAT'SWRONGWITHYOU?!
Mario: Oh, a lot of stuff-
Goo: QUIET!WE'REKEEPINGHIM,OKAY?!
Mario: Fine. For ten bucks.
Goo gives him ten dollars.
Mario: No, wait, twenty.
Goo gives him another ten dollars.
Mario: Fifty sounds just about right.
Goo: MARIO!
Mario: Okay, okay.
Mario walks back to the locker room, signs up, and walks into the arena.
Grubba: Now it's The Great Gonzales versus, the big people, The Armored Harriers.
Two... uh... giant, metal things walk up the arena.
Iron Cleft: We are invincible.
Mario randomly runs away.
Goo: WHYDIDWEDOTHAT?!
Mario: I don't really know. Hey, where's the egg?
???: Right here.
A baby Yoshi with a Mohawk walks up to them.
Yoshi: Thanks for saving me!
Mario: Well, I had to thanks to Ms. Dumblady over here.
Yoshi: Oh. Well hello, Ms. Dumblady.
Goo: MYNAME'SNOTMS.DUMBLADY,IT'SGOO!
Yoshi: Who names themselves that? So, I guess you name me now.
Mario: Okay. I'll name you... Fat Head!
Yoshi: You sure? How about something cool like Riku, or-
Mario: NO!
Mario starts throwing a fit.
Mario: FAT HEAD! FAT HEAD! FAT HEAD! FAT HEAD!
Yoshi: OKAY!!!
Mario: Yay!
Fat Head: I hate my life.
Goo jumps in Mario's pocket.
Mario: Now to sign up for a fight.
They sign up for the match again.
Mario: Now, how do you beat these guys?
Fat Head: That's easy. Just use the power of the feather.
Fat Head takes out a feather.
Mario: Are you crazy? That'll never work!
Fat Head tickles them so hard that they blow up.
Mario: Wow, I can't believe that actually worked.
Grubba: Great Gonzales wins! Now, you go to the major leagues.
Mario: Sweet.
Mario goes to the major league locker room.
Mario: This looks much nicer.
Rawk Hawk comes in.
Rawk Hawk: Hey, I heard there's a rising star here. Well listen, if you feel the glory, you must feel the RAWK!
Mario: Now, examine his belt.
Fat Head: It's a fake.
Mario: How can you tell? You haven't even seen the real one.
Fat Head: Look closely.
Mario looks closer and sees that there are words on the star that say "Fake Crystal Star".
Rawk Hawk: Feel the Rawk.
Rawk Hawk leaves.
Fat Head: I hope I don't have to smell the Rawk too, 'cause I heard that guy hasn't showered in a while.
Mario: Hehe, good one. Forget what's-her-name, your cool.
Fat Head: Thanks, can you change my name now?
Mario: No!
Fat Head: Aw.
Mario signs up for a new match.
Grubba: For your next opponent you will face The Tiny Spinies.
Mario walks to the arena.
Grubba: Now, The Great Gonzales and- oh, why do I do these introductions anyway?
Two Spike Tops walk into the arena.
Spike 1: You won't beat us!
Mario: Aaw, look how cute and small they are. Coochie coochie coo! Aaw, you little-
Spike 1: Stop it!
Spike 2 sneaks up behind Mario.
Spike 2: I-
Mario: AAAH, a spider! DIE! DIE! DIE!
Mario hammers him until he's just a puddle of nothing.
Spike 1: Uh oh.
Mario: Ha! What can you do now?
Spike 1: I can be evil.
Spike 1: See-
Spike 1: I'm wasting all the lines!
Mario: Why you little @#$%^*!
Mario: Throws him out the window.
Mario: Why do we have a window?
Grubba: Gonzales wins.
Mario goes back to the locker room and signs up for a match.
Grubba: You will now fight The Poker Faces.
Mario goes to the arena and two Bristles come out.
Bristle 1: Remember us, from chapter one?
Mario: Actually, I skipped you. Wait, then how do you know me?
Bristle 1: Uh, BRAIN PAIN!
They both blow up.
Grubba: Gonzales wins!
Mario goes back to the locker room.
Email: You got mail!
Mario: Ooh, mail!
gO To ThE wAtErInG hOlE oUtSiDe ThE gLiTz PiT1! SiGnEd X.
Mario: Weird way to use caps lock.
FaT hEaD: cOoL, lEt Me TrY!
Mario: No!
Fat Head: Aaw.
They head outside and go to the juice bar.
Bartender: Oh hello, Gonzales. Someone left you something.
Weird Voice: You got the Super Hammer!
The screen turns dotted and Toadette comes in.
Toadette: You've earned an upgrade where you can spin your hammer around.
Mario: Why do I need a new hammer to do that?
Toadette: Yep.
Mario: That wasn't a yes or no question.
Toadette: Yep.
Mario: Typical.
The screen turns normal and Toadette leaves.
Email: You got mail!
Fat Head: X again?
SmAsH tHe BlOcKaDe In ThE mInOr LeAuGe LoCkEr RoOm. SiGnEd X.
Mario: Yep.
Mario goes back into the Glitz Pit, tricks the new guard with a riddle, and gets into the minor league locker room. He smashes the blockade and finds a paper with some kind of writing on it. Jolene comes in.
Jolene: Mario! What are you doing? You know you're not in the minor league anymore and I'll be taking that paper for some reason.
She takes the paper.
Fat Head: Aaw, come on!
Mario sneaks by the confused guard and goes to the locker section.
Grubba: Your next fight is with the Shellshockers.
Mario: I didn't even register yet.
Grubba: So?
Mario goes to the arena and two Shady Koopas and one Shady Paratroopa walk up and confront Mario.
Shady Koopa 1: You can't beat us.
Shady Koopa 2: We will not fall.
Shady Parakoopa: Watch me fly around in circles! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
He spins so much he knocks his other teammates out (Did you guess?) the window and falls out himself.
Grubba: Gonzales wins!
Mario goes back to the locker room and gets another Email.
Email: You got mail!
STOP LOOKING FOR THE CRYSTAL STARS!!! ... Please?
Fat Head: I don't think that's X.
Mario: No, duh!
Mario signs up for a match.
Grubba: You will fight The Magikoopa Masters.
Mario goes to the arena and three Magikoopas come to the arena, too.
Magikoopa: I'm Harry Potter, and these are my friends Ron and Hermione. Ting! Now you will turn into a pie.
...
Harry Potter: Nothing's happening.
Mario: You didn't even wave your wand.
Harry: Oh.
Harry waves his wand.
...
Mario: You notice you're using a novelty plastic wand?
Harry: No, I am defeated!
They all lie on the ground and die.
Grubba: Gonzales wins.
Mario goes back to the locker room.
Jolene: Cake time!
Mario: Cake? Minemineminemineminemineminemine!
Mario devours the cake and signs up for a match.
Grubba: You must face The Fuzz!
Mario walks to the arena, where he meets three Fuzzies.
Fuzzie 1: FUZZ!
Fuzzie 2: I will get him.
Fuzzie 3: Not before I do!
They all kill each other.
Grubba: Zzz...
Mario: WAKE UP!
Grubba: Zzz- Huh? Sorry. Gonzales- yeah, yeah, you get the drill.
Bowser suddenly jumps in the window and into the arena.
Bowser: Mario! REVENGE!
Mario: Who are you?
Bowser: Idiot.
Mario: Can I have fries with that?
Bowser: Huh?
Mario: Do you serve chicken heads?
Bowser: AAAUGH!
Bowser hops out the window and lands in Boggly Woods.
Mario: Told you that would work.
Grubba: You're still here?
Mario goes back to his locker room and signs up for a match.
Grubba: You will fight Craw-Daddy.
Mario goes to the arena and sees a craw thingy.
Craw Daddy: Obey me! 'Cause I have a pointy thing.
Mario: So?
Craw Daddy pokes his eye out.
Craw Daddy: AAH! My eye! My beautiful eye! I'm melting!
He melts.
Grubba: Gonzales don't lose!
Mario goes back to the locker room and gets mail.
Go To ThE pHoNe BoOtH oUtSiDe ThE pAvIlIoN. SIgNeD X.
Mario goes to the phone booth and answers the phone.
Guy On Other Line: Congratulations, you won one billion dollars! To get your money just call-
Mario hangs up.
Mario: What? It was getting boring.
Fat Head: Now where do we go?
Mario: To the closet.
Fat Head: Why?
Mario: The Boogeyman lives there.
Mario opens the door to the closet and meets Ms. Mowz.
Mario: Didn't you jump out the window?
Ms. Mowz: I don't know.
Ms. Mowz jumps out the window again.
Mario randomly hits blocks, climbs stairs, and crawls through vents to get to a small peeky-hole leading to Grubba's office.
Grubba: Do you know about the Crystal Star?
Jolene: No.
Grubba: I hate you.
Mario: Weird.
Grubba: Huh? Who's there?
Mario: BELCH!
Grubba: Oh, it's just a burpin' beatle.
Mario: This guy is too stupid.
Grubba: Aha!
Mario: Uh oh, busted!
Grubba: It's just a talkin', burpin' beatle.
Mario: Um, sure, let's go with that.
Mario goes through the vent and signs up for a match.
Grubba: You will now fight Hamma, Bamma, and Flare.
Mario goes to the fight and meets a Hammer, Boomerang, and Fire Bro.
Hammer: We will smash you.
Fire: And burn you.
Mario: Uh oh.
Don Pianta comes down and squishes them.
Don: Hey, you cheated off me!
Mario throws him out the window.
Mario: Bye, Santa!
Grubba: Gonzales- uh, I forgot.
Mario goes back to his locker room and gets another message.
STOP INVESTIGATING!
Fat Head: I have the fealing that guy hates us.
Mario: Ya think?!
Mario signs up for a match and goes to the arena, where he sees two Chain Chomps (Chomp Country).
Chomp 1: Kill!
Chomp 2: Attack!
Uh oh. This looks bad. Jordan, attack!
Jordan: MOOOOO!
He knocks over all the enemies.
Mario: You saved me?
Yeah, so I can torture you more!
Mario: Aw.
Mario goes back, signs up, and goes to the arena, where he meets The Koopinator.
Koopinator: I have too much armor to hit.
Nicole Richie comes onstage.
Nicole Richie: Hi, I'm Nicole Richie. I heard someone mocked me in Chapter Two, who was it?
Mario: Him!
Koopinator: Wait, no! I-
Nicole Richie squishes him.
Nicole Richie: *Gasp* I squished him! I must be getting fat. To the bathroom!
She leaves.
Grubba: Gonzales wins!
Mario goes back and gets mail.
BlOw DoWn ThE pOsTeRs. SiGnEd X.
Mario goes into the lobby and there are 589,766,926,593,256,043 posters hung up.
Mario: How are we supposed to find it?!
Mario just rushes to the second story of the closet, busts the door open, and finds King K and Bandy Andy trapped.
Mario: What happened?
King K: It all went like this.
Mario: Ooh, a flashback!
Bandy and King K were saying goodbye to the arena and saw it empty with pie in the middle.
King K: Look, pie!
Bandy: It could be a trap.
King K: Who cares? It's still pie.
Bandy: Good point.
Bandy: I was a trap.
Mario: What about the pie?
King K: It was made of cardboard. You can have it.
You got cardboard pie! Don't know how that's gonna help.
Mario goes back to the locker room and signs up for the title match.
Guard: Time for your match, bub.
Mario: Didn't you break your neck?
He leads Mario to Rawk Hawk.
Rawk Hawk: Time to pay! DIE!!!
Mario: Fine then. I call upon the powers of a thousand Mortons.
1,000 Mortons appear and talk and talk and talk and talk AAAH, I've got a headache!
Mario: And the evil, baby, bearded, ninja, monkey, robots...
A bunch of robots come and slap Rawk Hawk in the face.
Rawk Hawk: Ow!
Mario: And finally, Barney!
Barney: I love you, you love me...
Rawk Hawk: AAAH! I give up! Now stop!
Grubba: Gonzales wins!
Mario goes to his new Champion's room and hears spooky noises.
Mario: Let's get to the vent. But how?
Fat Head: Hmm... Bingo!
Mario: No time for games!
Fat Head: No, I mean, I know how!
Mario: Really?
Mario jumps on Fat Head's back, who floats up and dashes through the vent. They end up in Grubba's office.
Mario: He's gone, let's check his drawer!
Mario checks Grubba's shelf.
Mario: Hmm, let's see what we've got. Contracts, BARBIES, and machine blueprints.
Grubba comes in.
Grubba: You know my secret!
Mario: You play with Barbies!
Grubba: And my other secret!
Grubba runs off to the arena and Mario follows.
Grubba: I suck fighters' power to keep me strong.
Mario: Why did you just tell me that?
Grubba uses a huge machine and turns into Macho Grubba!
Mario: Uh oh.
Grubba puts Mario's HP to 1.
Mario: Well, only one thing to do.
Mario spins around and ends up in a banana suit.
Mario: It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Way-ya! Way-ya! Way-ya! Way-ya!
Grubba: What the?
Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bananas, and maracas all fling at Grubba.
Mario: Do the peanut butter jelly! The peanut butter jelly! The peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.
Baseball bats fling at Grubba.
Grubba: No, please. I give up. Stop.
Mario: Do the peanut butter jelly! The peanut butter jelly! The peanut butter jelly with a flaming torch!
Grubba: Oh boy.
Torches burn Grubba back to his regular form.
Jolene: Good work. I saw Grubba transform once and I lost hope.
Mario: Why did you become Macho Grubba at that point?
Grubba: I was trying to open this jar of mayonnaise.
Grubba takes out a jar of mayo and tries to open it.
Grubba: Must.open... mayo!
His head explodes.
Mario: So you were X?
Jolene: X? who's X?
Mr. Potato Head: I am!
Mario: You again?!
Mario kicks him out of Glitzville and some Toad hops out of the machine.
Toad: Sis?
Jolene: I don't have a brother. This doesn't add up.
Mario: Well, I'll call this a victory.
Mario takes the Crystal Star.
END OF CHAPTER!
AT GRODUS'S PLACE:
Crump: Grodus, why didn't we try to attack Mario?
Grodus: Too busy playing my GBA.
Peach: TEC, what do you need?
TEC: You must disguise yourself. Now, you may go when-
Peach is already going through the base and somehow gets to the dressing room without danger.
TEC: You must wear the suit.
Peach wears the suit and talks to Grodus.
Peach: Grodus, I-
Grodus: Quiet, I'm playing. Aw, you made me lose! Go away!
Peach runs back to her room and goes to bed.
BOGGLY WOODS:
Kammy: Bowser, get up.
Bowser: I'm just taking a five-hour beauty sleep.
Kammy: It's been three days!
Bowser: Oh.
Bowser gets up and goes into the Great Tree.
Bowser: Where's the Crystal Star?!
Elder: It was taken.
Bowser: Grr.
Bowser leaves.
Kammy: That was way too fast.
Will Grodus ever destroy his enemy? Will Mario lose weight? Will TEC help save the princess? Will Peach get any smarter? Will Cackletta ever be a witch again? Does that have anything to do with this story at all? Will I ever shut up? Find out next time on Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year What's-It-Called.
Oh, and for all of you Frankly-lovers, Frankly will come back next chapter.