Chapter Uh... What Comes After 3?: And This Little Piggy
Previously, on this stupid film...
Mario: We have to risk it, the whole world is in peril.
And...
Peach: If I don't act soon this disease will kill millions!
And...
Luigi: You have to cut the blue wire.
Mario: There is no blue wire!
Luigi: Oh. Well then it was nice knowing you.
And...
Cackletta: With this star, I can get my job as a witch back and takeover the world!
Okay, I lied. What really happened is...
Mario: We're going to Twilight Town?
Boat Man: Yep.
Frankly (the real one this time) comes through the door.
Frankly: Hey, who are you?
Boat Man: Uh oh, busted!
Mario: Hey, you're that guy that owns that business.
Frankly: You're right. How did you know?
Mario: That billboard right over there.
Billboard: Come to Frankly Inc. I'm really smart, but instead of becoming a famous archaeologist or something, I just read people's maps. Call 1-800-MAPREAD!
Frankly: Well want me to read your map?
Mario: But I already-
Frankly: Too late! You're going to Twilight Town.
Mario: We already knew that.
Frankly: Then why didn't you just say so?
Mario: I tried to say-
Frankly: Shut up and go.
Mario: How's life?
Frankly: Hey! Don't change the subject! Now I may have an extremely short attention span but... What were we talking about again?
Mario: Nothing! Nothing at all! In fact, why not just end this story now?
The End
Frankly: Wait, not so fast! According to this map we're going to Twilight Town.
Mario: We heard that two times already!
Frankly: But there's only one of you.
Mario: Huh?
Mario looks back to see Fat Head gone.
SOMEWHERE IN ALASKA:
Fat Head: Hah! Told you I could make it to Alaska before the chapter started. Wait, what do you mean the chapter began? Aw, crud. Anyone know the way back?
AT FRANKLY'S:
Boat Man: Ooh, I'll fill in for him!
Mario: Okay.
Boat Man has joined your party.
Frankly: Now, could I help you boys?
Mario: ...
Mario leaves and heads to Twilight Town.
Boat Man: Are you sure you know where you're going?
Mario: Definitely.
ONE HOUR LATER:
Mario: Okay, I admit it. We're hopelessly lost.
Boat Man: Where are we?
Mario: Oh, we're not lost, I got confused. We're in the Twilight Zone.
Boat Man: So that's where that lousy music is coming from.
Mario: Yeah. Kinda hypnotic, isn't it? Well, let's check the west side.
They go back to the Rogueport and go to the west side sewers, and they see two pipes.
Mario: We made it! Now to just go down the right pipe.
One pipe is labeled "Twilight Town" and the other "Inhuman Traps".
Mario: (Gotta pick something smart so people don't know I can't read.)
Boat Man: (I heard that.)
Mario: Dang! But how?
Boat Man: For some reason the author writes down our thoughts so everyone can see them.
Mario: Curse you, Author! Curse you! Now to choose the right path. I'll take... this one.
Mario goes down the pipe labeled "Inhuman Traps" and comes out all beaten to a bloody pulp.
Mario: Okay, this one.
Mario goes down the Twilight Town pipe but it spits him back out.
Mario: So this is Twilight Town? Looks kinda the same.
Boat Man: No, the pipe spat you out.
Mario: Or maybe Twilight Town is an exact replica of the sewers and you're a phony. A stinkin' F-O-N-E-E, phony!
Boat Man: Um, no. You're just stupid, and that's not how to spell phony.
Mario: LIAR!
Boat Man: No I'm not!
Mario: Yes you are!
Boat Man: No I'm not!
Mario: Yes you are!
Boat Man: No I'm not!
Mario: Yes you are!
Boat Man: No I'm not!
Mario: Yes you are!
Boat Man: No I'm not!
Mario: Yes you are!
Boat Man: No I'm not!
ONE LONG ARGUMENT LATER:
Mario: Yes you-
Boat Man: Shut up, okay?! I'm not lying!
Mario: Fine. Let's see Darkly.
Boat Man: Do you even know who Darkly is?
Mario: Don't question my authority!
They go to an alleyway and see Darkly.
Mario: Hey, he really does exist.
Darkly: What do you want?
Mario: How do you get to Twilight Town?
Darkly: I don't know what Twilight Town is.
Mario: But what about that nametag that says "I know all about Twilight Town".
Darkly: Um... That doesn't mean anything, that's just my name.
Mario: But your name is Darkly.
Darkly: Look, a pony!
Mario: I'm not falling for that!
Darkly: No, seriously, there's actually a pony behind you.
The pony jumps over Mario and lands on Darkly.
Darkly: Fine, I'll tell you. You need to feed the pipe chicken.
Mario: I thought you have to write your name on yourself.
Darkly: Nah, we changed the rules. That was too obvious.
Mario: Okay.
Mario and Boat Man go down the pipe by feeding it chicken.
Mario: Here we are.
A Twilighter walks up to them.
Twilighter: Hi.
Mario: Hi.
Twilighter: Hi.
Mario: What's up?
Twilighter: Hi.
Mario: I'll call you Bucdifavudihoiwu.
A bell rings and he turns into a pig.
Mario: Hey, where did Bucdifavudihoiwu go? Hey, a pig. I'll call you Hoyaseruchabu.
Hoyaseruchabu: Oink (Hi).
Mario goes to the mayor.
Mario: Ooh. I'll call you Kanouwnip-
Mayor Dour: Shut up! Our town is cursed.
The bell rings again.
Mario: Uh oh, I think I just passed curfew.
Dour: No, that's not a clock. That bell rings every few minutes.
Mario: Wow, hours go that fast? I guess time really does fly when you're bored out of your mind from talking to an old Geezer.
Dour: For the last time, it's not a clock! When it rings people turn into pigs.
Mario: So that explains what happened to Bucdifavudihoiwu.
Dour: Who?
Mario: Never mind.
Dour: Fine, you may go.
Mario: Go wher-
Dour slams the door shut on them.
Mario: Eh, let's go see that monster.
Boat Man: What mon-
Mario: Shut up and go!
Mario goes to the gate guy.
Gate Guy: I wish I had a better name. Sorry, can't go without mayor's permission.
Mario: But I got the mayor's perm-
Gate Guy: Well, get it again!
Boat Man: These Twilighters have a problem with interrupting people.
Mario: We don't want to get it again!
Mario throws Gate Guy out the window.
Mario: Who puts a window outside?
Mario starts going down the stupid trail of stupid mysteries.
Mario: Hey! The log's in the way.
Mario collects two random keys and goes to the store.
Mario: What's up?
Shopkeeper: My husband turned into a pig.
Mario: Oh, well that's sad.
Shopkeeper: Sad? Are you kidding? I like him much better this way!
Boat Man: We have to hurry or we'll all be pigs.
Mario: Not if I can help it!
Boat Man: You have an idea?
Mario: No, but it sounded like I did.
Mario goes into the storage room and sees another black box.
Chest: Open me!
Mario: Have I seen you before?
Chest: Nope!
Mario: Works for me.
Mario opens the chest.
Guy In Chest: FOOOOOOOOOLS! Now I curse you! Don't worry, I'll make it quick and painless, or I'll just give you a lollipop, haven't decided yet.
Mario: I'll take the lollipop.
Guy In Chest: Quiet, you! BE CURSED. AFAFAFAFAFAFA!
He curses Mario and leaves.
Mario: Now I can turn into a cardboard tube.
He turns into a cardboard tube.
Mario: What use is this?! The only thing this is good for is spare toilet paper.
Twilighters: Toilet paper?!
Mario: Shouldn't have mentioned that.
Twilighters: Toilet paper!
They all start chasing after Mario.
Mario: Gotta hide!
Mario hides in a tree.
Mario: It's pointy in here. Hey, what's this?
Mario falls through a pipe and ends up in the forest.
Crayzee Dayzee: I'm Crazy!
Mario: Great, and I use multiple punctuation marks, now go away!
Crayzee Dayzee: Okay!
She jumps off a 9,876,543,210-mile fall. Then the Shadow Sirens come.
Beldam: We've got you now, Mario!
Mario: Uh oh, It's Witchy, Fatty, and Hottie again!
Vivian: I told you, in Japan I'm a boy!
Mario: No you aren't, Hottie, Beldam is!
Vivian: Oh, then what am I?
Mario: Fatty.
Beldam: Now we, umm, what were we going to do again?
Mario: Um, stand still and let me pass?
Beldam: Okay! Vivian, stay still.
Vivian: But-
Beldam: Shut up!
Mario passes them both and goes to Creepy Steeple.
Beldam: Hey, we just got tricked! Vivian, why didn't you catch him?!
Vivian: You said to-
Beldam: Shut up!
BACK WITH MARIO:
Mario: Hey, Boat Man, you've been quiet lately.
Boat Man: Sorry, I forgot I existed for a second.
Mario: Well, we're in Creepy Steeple.
Mario rolls under the gate and goes inside.
Mario: This isn't that creepy aside from the Boos, bats, and horrible darkness.
A Boo comes out of nowhere.
Boo: Will you be nice to me?
Mario: No.
Boo: Why you little... Boos! Assemble!
They combine to make the Atomic Boo.
Atomic Boo: HAHAHA!
Mario: Hey, you're fat.
Atomic Boo: Don't make fun of me!
Mario: Fatty!
Atomic Boo: Stop it!
Mario: Fatty! Fatty! Fatty!
Atomic Boo: WAAAH!
Mario: Aww, is fatty crying? Boohoo! Hehe, get it? BOOhoo!
Atomic Boo: STOP! MAKE FUN OF ME ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL RIP OUT YOUR FLESH AND USE IT AS SHAMPOO!!!
He blows up from overuse of exclamation marks.
Mario: Um, oooooookay. That was just too weird.
Mario moves on to a puzzle where you have to move the stairs around.
Mario: Who says I have to do this?
Mario uses the Wing Cap to fly to the top of Creepy Steeple to meet some freakish guy with a sheet covering him.
????: Hey! What are you doing in my "me" time?
Mario: So, you're the monster?
????: Yeah, I pull hilarious pranks by turning people into pigs.
Mario: Why not consider getting a pet pig?
????: This is much easier. I love turning people into pigs!
Circe: Hey, that was my idea!
(If you're wondering, Circe is the witch in the Greek legend The Odyssey who turns some of Odysseus's crew into pigs with her magic.)
????: Shut up , you fat @#$%^*!
Mario: Woah, language!
????: What are you talking about, I'm speaking English.
Mario: Enough of this, let's battle!
????: Ha, I'm ready for you this time!
Mario: What are you talking about? This is the first time we've fought or even known each other.
????: Okay, then I guess it's time to reveal my true form!
He takes of his sheet just to reveal the same sheet under it.
Mario: What purpose did that serve?
???: I don't know, I just like doing that.
Mario: Now for a cheesy way to win.
An anvil drops on ????.
????: Ha! You can't hurt me, I'm invincible!
A feather falls from the sky.
????: NOOOOOOOOOO!
When it hits a huge explosion occurs and knocks him down.
????: Okay, well watch this!
He transforms into Shadow Mario, who we'll just call Shadow.
Shadow: Ha!
Mario: What, that's it?
He breathes on him and knocks him down, defeated.
Shadow: (under his breath) I've got one more trick left!
He switches bodies with Mario.
Boat Man: Come on, Mario. Let's go.
Mario: Okay. Slick- uh, I mean... uh... Partner person.
They leave and Shadow wakes up.
Shadow: Hey, didn't I win the fight? Hey, why am I purple?
Shadow walks down the trail again. Meanwhile...
Beldam: Find the super bomb, you twit!
Vivian: There's no such thing! You just made it up and said I lost it!
Beldam: Shut up!
Beldam and Marilyn leave. Back with Shadow.
Shadow: Now what?
Mario falls out of the sky.
Shadow: AAAAH! It's raining plumbers! It's a sign of the Apocalypse!
Mario: Actually, I'm ????. And I'm in the body of a certain someone!
Shadow: Wow, that someone sure is the wrong person! I mean, you look hideous! Who would have that mustache with those blue overalls and that red shirt? And that cap makes it look worse! What's the M stand for, "Moron"? You look so horrible that-
Mario: Um, I'm imitating you.
Shadow: Well, keep trying, 'cause you look nothing like U!
Mario: No, not the letter, I mean- Never mind. Just guess my name!
Shadow: Uh, look, a bird!
Mario: So?
Mario finds out that Shadow was a cardboard cutout with an audio recorder and the real Shadow is in Twilight Town.
Shadow: Well, that was weird.
Vivian: I hate my sisters.
Shadow: Hi, strange lady!
Vivian: Oh, hi. What's you're name?
Shadow: Mario.
Vivian: Does that sound familiar? Nah.
Vivian joined your party!
Shadow: Hey! We didn't get to that yet!
Who cares? You two are boring!
They both run off.
Mario: Ha, you've returned!
They pass buy him and go to Creepy Steeple.
Mario: Aw, now I'm lonely.
Shadow: Well, here we are.
They go by the well and see a bunch of signs.
Sign 1: Secret identity here!
Sign 2: No there's not!
Sign 3: Yes there is! A parrot will tell you.
Sign 4: No there's not! There's just a bunch of traps!
Sign 5: Why you little...
Sign 6: I'm gonna kill you!
They get into a fight with each other and Shadow and Vivian go in and find a parrot.
Parrot: AAH! People!
Shadow: Actually, we're just figments of your imagination.
Parrot: Oh, then I'll just talk to myself. Why did you have to go, my love? Why did you leave the toilet seat up, my love? Why did you drink from the carton, my love?...
THREE HOURS LATER:
Parrot: Why-
Shadow: Okay, that does it!
Shadow rips out the parrot's guts and eats them.
Vivian: 0.0
Shadow: Um, you saw nothing.
Vivian: Um, why did you do that?
Mario: Oh my DAD, you're right... I could've had a V8.
Vivian: Not what I meant.
They go back to Mario.
Mario: HA! Do what you want, Slick, but you'll never find out that my name is Doopliss!
Shadow: 0__o
Mario: Oh @#$%^*!
He runs to Creepy Steeple.
Shadow: Why do we have to backtrack?!
They head to the room where he first fought them and sees Mario and his partners.
Mario: Ha, I'm Mario!
Vivian: Wait, so you're Mario?
Shadow: Well, yeah. I told you that a while ago.
Vivian: I HATE YOU!!!
Vivian runs to her sisters.
Mario: Aww, did your girlfriend leave?
Shadow: Yes.
Mario: Uh, shouldn't you be annoyed and say she's not your girlfriend?
Shadow: No, I'm fine.
Mario: Oh, well then let's finish this.
Mario starts mauling Shadow until he has 1 HP.
Shadow: I summon the cheesy way to win!
Okay, who didn't see that coming? A bunch of people surround Mario.
Don Pianta: You cheated off me AND threw me out a window!
Mario: What?!
Nicole Richie: You mocked me!
Shopkeeper: You turned my husband back to normal!
Justin Timberlake: You- uh... I don't know what you did but I hate you!
Jordan: MOOOOOO!
Shadow: What did he say?
He said he just likes kicking people.
Mario: I haven't offended any of you!
Everyone: GET HIM!!!
They all maul Mario.
Shadow: Wow. They want revenge on me so they're mauling him.
Everyone: WHAT?!
Shadow: I said uh... COME ON, ATTACK!
Everyone: YEAH!!!
They all beat him to a bloody pulp. Meanwhile...
Beldam: Vivian! Where were you?!
Vivian: Looking for the super bomb.
Beldam: There's no such thing!
Vivian: You know what? I'm going back to Mario!
Beldam: But he calls you fat!
Vivian: So do you.
Beldam: Oh, bye.
Vivian leaves.
Beldam: PARTY!!!
Beldam and Marilyn both party until they're drunk.
Vivian: Mario, I'm here.
Shadow: A little late, we already beat him.
Shadow turns into Mario and Mario turns into Doopliss.
Mario: There we go.
Doopliss: Dang!
Doopliss jumps out the window.
Revenge Group: SO YOU'RE MARIO?!
Mario: Um... yeah, I'm right there, out the window.
Revenge Group: DIE!
They all jump out the window and die.
Vivian: Oh well. Here, have this.
Vivian gives Mario a Crystal Star.
Mario: Thanks, Fatty!
END OF CHAPTER!
Mario: Yay!
AT GRODUS'S PLACE:
Grodus: Shadow Sirens, come here!
Grodus summons the still drunk Beldam and the now sober Marilyn. Marilyn teleports and Beldam bumps into a wall.
Beldam: Hey Guy!
Grodus: Are you drunk?
Beldam: No... uh, Mister Officer.
Grodus: How many beers did you have?
Beldam: Just one... thousand, nine hundred seventy-eight.
Grodus: Holy!
Beldam: Why, what's wrong with that?
Grodus: You're drunk!
Beldam: Oh, yeah, well would a drunk person do this?
She jumps on the table and starts dancing.
Beldam: Yeah, yeah! Woot!
Grodus: Uh... yes.
Beldam: Oh.
They both leave and Crump comes in.
Crump: Yeah?
Grodus: Dispose of Mario.
Crump: Okay. Hey, still playing your GBA?
Grodus: Yeah.
Crump: What level are you on?
Grodus: One.
Crump: One?!
Crump looks at Grodus's GBA.
Crump: Um... This is a blank screen.
Grodus: Yeah, I know, it's the nothing game. Like it?
Crump: Hmm... Mine!
Crump steals it and runs away.
Grodus: Good thing I have a spare.
Crump steals his spare GBA.
Grodus: Oh well. Nothing left to do but watch my feet.
Crump steals Grodus's feet.
Grodus: Aaw.
Meanwhile...
Peach: Hi, TEC.
TEC: Stop. You must take a quiz!
Peach: Why?
TEC: I don't know.
Now, question one, who are Mario's enemies?
A. The X-Nauts
B. The Oompa
Loompas
C. Your mom
Peach: Um... C.
TEC: Question
two, what is Mario collecting?
A. Pickles
B. The Crystal
Stars
C. Uh... More
pickles
Peach: Uh, C again.
TEC: Question
three, what does Mario want to open?
A. The Thousand-Year
Door
B. The toilet
seat
C. The Dead Man's
Chest
Peach: B.
TEC: Question
four, who are you?
A. Peach
B. Mario
C. The evil rigatoni
man
Peach: A definite C.
TEC: Question
five, what question is this?
A. Five
B. Eleventy Bazillion
C. 86 and a half
Peach: C.352967125864.
TEC: Your final score is 0%... Congratulations, you passed the test!
Peach: Yay!
Meanwhile again...
Doopliss runs up to the Shadow Sirens and Beldam is sober again.
Doopliss: Hey, can I join you? I've been working on my theme song.
DADADADA
DOOPLISS!
DADADADA
DOOPLISS!
HE'S A GUY IN
A SHEET,
HE LOOKS LIKE
A FREAK,
HE'S DOOPLISS!
HE CAN COPY ANY
GUY,
AND NO HE'S NOT
HIGH,
HE'S DOOPLISS!
DADADADA
DOOPLISS!
DADADADA
DOOPLISS!
YEAH!
Doopliss: So what do you think? Can I join you?
Beldam: When pigs fly!
A pig flies by.
Doopliss: Now?
Beldam: When it rains cats and dogs!
Cats and dogs fall from the sky.
Beldam: Well, next I was going to say when rain explodes, but never mind. You can join us.
Doopliss: Just in time, chapter's almost over.
Now, for what you've all been waiting for...
Bowser: DUM DUM DUM! DA DA DA DUM DUM!
Kammy: What are you doing?!
Bowser: I'm singing my theme song.
Kammy: Well stop it... although I must admit it is quite catchy.
Bowser: That's the spirit! DUM DUM DUM! DA DA DA DUM!
They walk up to the Rogueport dock.
Bowser: You! Give us tickets!
Blimp Cheep Cheep: AAH! A turtle!
He runs away on the tracks.
Bowser: You know what? I'm taking the copter, you take the blimp.
Kammy: Okay.
Bowser flies over the seas.
Bowser: Whoops, forgot to give it fuel. Oh well, it'll be okay. It's on E for uh... engorged with fuel.
The Clown Copter crashes into the ocean and Bowser is underwater.
Bowser: Oh, crud.
He sees a Blooper.
Bowser: Hey, don't you work for me?
Blooper: Um... Look, a donkey!
Bowser: Donkeys don't live in water.
Blooper: Oh, whatever!
He swims away and Bowser finds a group of X-Nauts.
Bowser: What are you doing here?
X-Naut PhD: We're looking for water.
Bowser: We're in it.
X-Nauts: Ooooooooooooooooh!
X-Naut PhD: What else?
Bowser: It's blue?
X-Nauts: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Bowser: Leave me alone and I'll give you a lollipop.
X-Naut PhD: Lollipop?
X-Nauts: Ooooooooooooooooh!
Bowser gives them lollipops and they a start sucking on them.
Bowser: Um... It'll taste better without the wrapper.
X-Naut PhD: Wrapper?
X-Nauts: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Bowser: Oh, forget it!
Bowser hops up to land.
Kammy: So how did it go? I had a great time: balloons, hot dogs... indigestion- Uh, anyway, what were you doing?
Bowser: ... Swimming.
Kammy: Oh, so you had fun, too!
Bowser: FUN?! I swallowed a Blooper!
Kammy: Oh, so you had a snack. Oh, and I brought you a snow cone, but it melted... in my mouth.
Bowser: You're hopeless. Well, nothing left to do but end this chapter suddenly, without warning.
Kammy: What are you talking abou-