Chapter uh... Five: Yo Ho, Yo Ho, An Idiot's Life For Me
Mario and Vivian get their map checked and go to Frankly's-
DUN DUN DUN!
Mario: Um, what was that?
Oh, I hired a guy to make this more dramatic by saying DUN DUN DUN over and over again.
DUN DUN DUN!
Okay, stop. You can take a pie break now!
PIE PIE PIE!
Mario: Hey, the room's empty.
Mario picks up the phone.
Frankly's Voice: Um... hi. Nobody's here right now so uh... why don't you just uh, hang up and such?
Mario: I know you're on the line.
Frankly: DANG IT!
Frankly comes out of the bathroom.
Mario: You were there the whole time?
Frankly: Yeah, why? Now shut up, you fat oaf!
Mario: Well someone's grumpy today!
Frankly: Really? Who? Well anyway, you're going to the island of Keelhaul Key.
Mario: How can you tell? There are 72.5 other islands on the map.
Frankly: Well I- Wait, 72.5?
Mario: Well I was hungry and uh... let's just go to the bar.
They go into the bar and see Flavio.
Flavio: THEE SKULL CAPTAIN, CASTS HIS GAZE, THEE RED JEWEL, SHINES AND PLAYS! IT'S A BOOM-BASSA-BOOM FESTIVAL!
Mario: Um, yeah, that's nice and all but-
Flavio: TWO STACHE BROTHERS, BEST OF FRIENDS! THREE TIMES RED STACHE LANDS ON HIS END!
Mario: -we need to get to-
Flavio: BLUE STACHE BELLY, FOUR TIMES IS WHACKED! WATCH THE FIREWORKS BOOM AND CRACK! IT'S A BOOM-BASSA-BOOM FESTIVAL!
Mario: -Keelhaul Key.
Flavio: Well why didn't you say so? I've got the boat ready right now!
Mario: We just told you about it, how did you get the boat ready that fas-
Flavio: To the ship! Wait, first we need Bobbery!
Mario: Who-
Flavio: Bye!
Flavio tosses him to a random Bob-omb's house.
Bobbery: Get out! Bobbery who? Definitely not me!
Mario: I didn't even say anything. And you have a giant nametag with Bobbery on it!
Bobbery: NO!
Mario: Oh well.
Mario goes back to the bar and sees Vivian acting like a complete moron.
Mario: What are you doing?
Podley: I can help you convince Bobbery!
Mario: I didn't even say anything!
Podley: Bobbery's mad because of his wife.
Mario: She died?
Podley: No, she just left the fridge door open. Then she died but nobody cared.
Mario and Vivian go back to Bobbery's house.
Bobbery: I've decided to join you!
Mario: Why?
Bobbery: I got angry and killed my wife. Then I realized she was already dead for a year. Who did I kill?
Mario: Well, I don't know about thatm but come on the boat.
Bobbery: YAY! To Keelhaul Key!
Mario: How did you know we were going to Keelhaul Key?
Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!
Mario: Just come with us.
ON THE BOAT:
Horribly Disguised Crump: Hi, I'm Lord Cru- I mean Four Eyes.
Mario: Why would you want us to call you Four Eyes?
Four Eyes: Never thought of that.
Bobbery: All right, we've got complete control over the boat. Vegas, anyone?
Mario: No thank you, we're going to Keelhaul Key.
Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!
Pa-Patch: What's with him?
Mario: I think he does that every time someone says Keelhaul Key.
Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!
Mario: Hey wait, Flavio, weren't you that guy looking for a penny?
Flavio: Nah, that was that guy.
Mr. Potato Head: I say potato, you say... uh, polo?
Mario kicks him off the boat.
Mr. Potato Head: Stupid gags. I WIIIL REEEEEEEEETUUURN!!!
Gag: Why am I still running?
DUN DUN DUN!
Mario: Okay, this is too weird!
They set sail to Keelhaul Key.
Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!
Mario: Is this going to continue for the whole chapter?
LATER THAT NIGHT:
Flavio: Pa-Patch, check the top of the ship.
Pa-Patch: Okay.
He climbs to the top.
Pa-Patch: Let's see: clouds, winds, ghost. Nothing interesting.
He climbs down to the deck.
Pa-Patch: Hey, wait!
He climbs back to the top.
Pa-Patch: Dropped my keys.
Ember: Boo!
Pa-Patch: Yeah yeah, we get it, Flavio.
Ember: Huh?
Pa-Patch goes back to the deck.
Pa-Patch: Nothing good up there.
The same Ember appears.
Ember: Boo!
Flavio: So now what?
Ember: You know what? Forget this!
Everyone: AAAH! A GHOST!!!
Ember: Um... Okay. 0__o
Voice: OoOoOoOoOoOo and such. Step no further, because I have dangerous weapons!
Everyone: ...
Voice: ... And freckles.
Everyone: AAAH!
Flavio: That must have been Cortez!
DUN DUN DUN!
Mario: So we have to go to Keelhaul Key-
Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!
Mario: -and beat Cortez-
DUN DUN DUN!
Mario: -to save the day. Any questions?
Flavio: Why are you so fat?
Mario: Um... Never mind.
The boat starts to rock.
Everyone: (singing) Rock the boat!
Mario: (singing) Don't rock the boat, baby!
Vivian: Um, now isn't the best time to sing.
The boat crashes and everyone conveniently lands on Keelhaul Key.
LATER:
Bob-omb: We've built a hut for you, come see!
Mario and Fatlady-
Vivian: Um, the name's Vivian.
Mario and Fatty-
Vivian: Vivian!
Mario and Fatso-
Vivian: Oh, I give up!
Mario and Vivian go to their hut.
Vivian: Why do authors have to notice everyone after they give up?
Mario: This hut stinks!
Vivian: Hello?
Pa-Patch: Let's see you do better!
Vivian: Once again, I am ignored.
Pa-Patch: Rome wasn't built in a day!
ONE DAY LATER:
Pa-Patch: Wow, I can't believe you built Rome.
Mario: I'm better than you guys!
Vivian: So uh, are we going to try to escape the island?
Mario: So uh, are we going to try to escape the island?
Vivian: I just asked that.
Mario drags Vivian to the other side of the island until they get to Bobbery.
Bobbery: Back, you ghosts, or I'll be forced to use my styling looks!
Mario: Should we tell him the ghosts replaced themselves with cardboard cutouts months ago?
Vivian: But we've only been here a day.
Mario walks up to the real ghosts.
Mario: You can't stop me, I have ice power!
The Embers melt the badge.
Mario: I'm doomed.
The Embers light him on fire Super Mario 64-style.
Mario: OW! MY BUTT'S ON FIRE, MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!
Vivian: What do you expect me to do?
Mario: MAYBE HELP ME!!!
Vivian: But I only have fire power. Oh well.
Vivian pushes him into the water.
Mario: *gasp* A pixy fairy must have granted me powers to hop in water!
Vivian: Or I just pushed you into the water.
Mario: Now don't get carried away. Hey, I don't feel anything, I guess the Nibbles aren't biting.
Mario comes out with half of his body a skeleton.
Vivian: 0.0
Mario: Oh, um... At least I lost weight.
Vivian: 0.0
Mario: Fine, I'll handle it.
Mario kills himself but gets revived due to the 1-Up gag that apparently died. Which is kind of ironic. You know, as in a 1-Up dying. Uh. never mind.
Gag: I-
Mario: THAT DOES IT!
Mario rips up the gag into pieces and does every violent thing possible to it.
Vivian: 0.0
Mario: Still could've had a V8.
DUN DUN DUN!
Mario: Shut up!
Bobbery: Um, any second now.
Mario: I got it.
Mario hammers them until the Ember cutouts are all piles of dust.
Vivian: And you could've done that any time?
Mario: Maybe I didn't feel like it!
Bobbery: I'm dying! Get me soda!
Mario: As a last meal? Wouldn't you rather-
Bobbery: I WANT SODA!
Mario: Fine!
Mario goes to Flavio's area.
Flavio: Here's the soda, goodbye!
Mario: But wait, how-
Flavio: LEAVE!
He kicks Mario back to Bobbery.
Bobbery: SODA!
Mario gives him the soda and he drinks it.
Mario: Well, aren't you dying?
Bobbery: No, I just faked it, but thanks for the soda!
Mario: Normally, I'd kill you. But I have a much worse punishment for you.
Bobbery joined your party!
They continue and find a skull made of rock blocking the way.
Bobbery: Whoops, better go talk to Flavio.
Mario: Can't we just move it? And why should we ask Flavio? What does he know about anything?
Bobbery is already far ahead of Mario.
Mario: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
They go back to the beach area.
LATER:
Flavio: So we have to get rid of that rock?
Mario: Wait, we just came to the area and we didn't even tell you anything, how do you know this stuff?
Flavio: Come on! To the rock!
Mario: *sigh*
AT THE ROCK:
Mario: Hm, there must be some clue in Flavio's song about how to do this. Oh well.
Mario throws Bobbery at the rock and blows it up.
Mario: Yay! He's dead! Two birds with one stone.
Bobbery falls back down.
Mario: What the-
Bobbery: You can't kill me, when I blow up I regenerate.
Mario: Grr.
Mario goes into Pirate's Grotto.
Mario: Aren't you coming?
Flavio: Nah, too lazy.
Mario heads off into the cave.
Voice: oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!
Mario: *gasp* That's the same message my Cheerios spell out!
Voice: Leave, for I have killer minions.
Mario: ...
Voice: Uh... Deadly weapons.
Mario: ...
Voice: And lawyers.
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh well.
Mario goes through a bunch of platforms and ends up in a place with spikes going up and down.
Bobbery: Now what?
Mario: I've got an idea.
Mario straps Bobbery and a Bobbery voodoo doll to his feet to use as shoes.
Bobbery: OW! Why can't- OW! -you just- OW! -use real shoes? OW!
Mario: Because real shoes don't scream in pain.
Mario makes it to the end and unties Bobbery, but right after he sees a Bullet Bill cannon.
Mario: You know what this means, right?
Bobbery: That you'll let me go?
Mario: WRONG!
Mario tosses Bobbery into a cannon, blowing them both up. They continue until they see a giant ledge with platforms used to reach the top and a locked door.
Mario: Well, when in doubt, take the hard way!
Bobbery: I hate your motto.
They go up and see a gate.
Mario: Whoops, I guess the only way to pass is to throw you.
Bobbery: But what about that button that says "Press button to open gate"?
Mario: Nah, throwing you is a better idea.
Mario throws Bobbery into the door, blowing it up. Then he runs into that puzzle where you have to use Koops's shell to activate the cargo.
Mario: Eh, this is too complicated.
Marrio throws Bobbery at the key.
Bobbery: Hey, nothing hurt that time!
A Thwomp falls on him.
Mario: Come on, let's go.
He unlocks the door back a few rooms and ends up in an area with spikes coming in and out of the walls.
Mario: >:)
Bobbery: Oh no, I-
Mario uses him as a shield to get across. Mario then runs into a couple of barrels.
Mario: Hmm, I've got an idea.
He throws Bobbery.
Mario: D'oh, missed! Try again. D'oh, missed! Try again. D'oh! Missed.
This continues until hours later, when he finally makes it.
Mario: There we go.
Mario hops across the barrels.
Mario: I know I could've done that before, but that way is more fun.
They enter another room with a bunch of Bullet Bills.
Bobbery: You better not be thinking-
Mario grabs Bobbery and uses him as a shield until his face is black from explosions.
Bobbery: Will this continue the whole chapter?
Mario runs into a ship with a black chest.
Black Chest: Get the key!
Mario: Where's the key?
Black Chest: Like I should know.
Three Embers appear.
Mario: Didn't I kill you guys?
Ember: Plot hole.
Mario eats them.
Bobbery: Are you supposed to eat fire?
Mario: You're right, I feel like my insides are on fire.
Bobbery: Literally.
Mario grabs the key.
Bobbery: Wait! Where was that?
Mario: It was next to me the whole time.
Black Chest: Great, now open me.
Mario: Oh, come on, I'm not that stupid.
Black Chest: Yes you are.
Mario: Okay!
Mario opens the chest and a genie comes out.
Genie: I will grant you three wishes.
Mario: Five!
Genie: Four!
Mario: Three!
Genie: But, four's bigger than three!
Mario: Fine, If you're gonna be like that, one!
Genie: 0__o Okay. What's your wish?
Mario: Boat powers.
Genie: Boat powers? You'll poke your eye out!
He flies away.
Bobbery: Oh, great. Now what?
Mario: Hmm.
Mario uses Bobbery as a raft.
Mario: (singing) My Bobbery lies over
the ocean,
My Bobbery lies over the sea,
My Bobbery lies over the ocean,
Please keep my Bobbery away from me!
Mario uses Bobbery to go over a huge waterfall.
Bobbery: Why have I not drowned yet?
Mario sails back to the entrance and gets some sort of handle.
Mario: How is this gonna help me?
Like I'm supposed to know.
Mario: Whatever.
Mario goes by some sort of crane.
Bobbery: I guess the handle should go here.
Mario: Or...
Mario uses Bobbery as a handle to open the gate.
Bobbery: Why is everything your way?
Mario: Shut up and go!
Mario rides Bobbery again. Then they end up by the waterfall on top of that rocky ledge.
Mario: Waterfall!
Mario goes through and gets soaked.
Mario: Why you little...
Mario rapidly slaps Bobbery.
Mario: *slap* That was for getting me wet! *slap* That was for arguing! *slap* And that was for fun!
They end up in an area with a bunch of waves.
Mario: Turbo speed!
Mario presses a button on Bobbery's back.
Bobbery: Wait, since when was that on my-
They fly at light speed.
Bobbery: -BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
They go until they find a bunch of Toads.
Toad 1: Hey, it's Mario!
Toad 2: Yay, target practice!
They all throw darts at him.
Mario: Hey, I'm your only chance to survive!
Toad 3: Hmm... Good point.
Mario goes down a pipe and ends up in the backround.
Mario: This again?
Mario goes up to a control panel.
Mario: Since when was this here?
Mario presses random buttons, freeing everyone.
Everyone: YAY!!!
Mario: Aw, I wanted them to turn into piles of ash.
Mario walks by and sees Frankie and Francesca.
Francesca: Hi Mario!
Mario: Hey wait, you guys don't exist! Take off that mask!
Mario tries to pull her face off.
Mario: Hmm. Wow, it's pretty tight, Mr. Potato Head!
Francesca: Who?
Mr. Potato Head: ME!
Mario: Wait, then she's the real... But you don't exist!
Francesca: I ran away and dad forgot about me.
Mario: Well, um, whatever.
Mario continues into the area with the ship of Cortez the pirate king!
DUN DUN DUN!
Mario: Quiet with the drama!
Mario goes inside.
Voice: oOoOoOoOoOo! If you come in, prepare to feel the Wrath of my "O"s!
Mario: Oh no! Alphabet!
He goes in the other door.
Voice: OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo! Oh, forget this!
He reveals himself to be a skeleton head.
Skeleton: I am Cortez the pirate king!
DUN DUN DUN!
Cortez: Huh?
Mario: He does that when someone says your name, or just whenever he feels it.
Cortez: Now, walk the plank!
Mario: Well, um, okay, if I just had a leash.
Cortez: No! I mean walk off it!
Mario: Okay.
Mario steps on the plank and hops back on the ship.
Cortez: The other end.
Mario: But, that's water.
Cortez: Duh.
Bobbery: Can't you use me as a raft again?
Mario: Nah, it's only fun the first one or two times. or maybe three. Okay, well it's always fun for me but I don't wanna! Besides, Peter Pan will save us.
Bobbery: But Peter Pan is fictitious.
Mario: Oh, I always thought he was Jewish. Then Homer Simpson will save us.
Bobbery: But Homer Simpson can't fly.
Mario: He'll just use his flying corn mobile.
Bobbery: Mario, you now officially lack logic.
Cortes: Enough of this!
He pushes them off but Homer Simpson saves him with his flying corn mobile.
Bobbery: .
Cortez: What the?! Oh well. Now we fight!
He turns into a giant skeleton body.
Mario: Oh big whoop, you finally grew a spine and some arms.
Cortez: Oh yeah?
He takes out swords.
Mario: I can still beat you.
He takes out rifles.
Mario: I'll whoop your butt good.
Cortez: Fine then!
He takes out tanks, armies, helicopters, missiles, hi-technicaaaal butterflies, and a British dork.
Harry Potter: Hullo.
Mario: I bet I can-
Bobbery covers Mario's mouth.
Bobbery: Um, he said nothing.
Cortez: Now feel the wrath of my sturdy body!
Mario breathes on him and he falls apart.
Cortez: Okay, you win.
Mario: Great, now give me my polygon thing.
Cortez: Oh, the star? Take it, I don't like it. It reminds me of math... evil... math!
Cortez gives him the Crystal Star.
END OF CHAP- Hey wait, we're not done yet.
DUN DUN DUN!
Mario goes by the rescued Toads.
Random Toad: Hey, I see a crack. Maybe we can blow it up.
Mario: Or use that big, unlocked door in front of you.
Random Toad: Well, um... Yeah, I guess so.
They go through the door and end up back where the ship crashed.
Mario: Well that was pointless.
Flavio comes out.
Flavio: They've returned! Um... Where's the treasure?
Mario: I picked that up, too.
Mario shows him a treasure chest.
Flavio: No!!! I meant the bonbons! How could you turn down that chocolate delight?!
Mario: That wasn't chocolate.
A ship comes in the water with Four Eyes on it.
Four Eyes: I am really... Crump!
He rips off his clothes and ends up in a Superman suit.
Crump: Whoops.
He rips off his clothes again and ends up in his regular clothes.
Flavio: Quick! To the bat cave- er. Pirate's Grotto.
They go into Cortez's ship.
Flavio: Let us borrow your ship!
Cortez: Okay.
Flavio: Really? No argument?
Cortez: Nah, I won't bother.
As soon as they come out they see everyone.
Mario: How long have you been following me?
Francesca: We're here to help you.
They head out to the sea.
Crump: Uh oh. Release the Kraken!
X-Naut PhD: Sir, we don't have a Kraken.
Crump: Well get one!
X-Naut PhD: We can't, it's not possible.
Crump: You're a nerd! Nothing's impossible for you! I summon the Kraken!
The Kraken attacks The Black Pearl.
Jack Sparrow: This is horrible!
Pirate: That we're going to sink?
Jack: No! Because we're out of rum!
Crump: Whoops, wrong ship.
X-Naut PhD: Well they're already here.
Mario hops onto Crump's ship.
Crump: Change the music!
X-Naut PhD: *Presses button*
The chicken dance comes on.
X-Naut PhD: Wrong button.
Mario: What the- I'll beat you... right after this dance.
Crump: Change it!
X-Naut PhD: Okay!
Mario: Hey, the music changed!
Crump: HA!!!
Mario: But, now what?
Crump: ... I don't know.
Mario: Ooh, I have an idea!
Mario kicks him in the shin.
Crump: Ow!
Mario: So uh, don't you flee like a coward now?
Crump: Um. okay.
Crump and his ship sails away.
Mario: Once again, lousy underlings.
Flavio: We did it! Although we didn't really accomplish anything. Now how do we get back?
DUN DUN DUN!
Random Voice: Denenenenenenene!
Bobbery: Look up in the sky!
Pa-Patch: It's a bird!
Flavio: It's a plane.
Mario: No, it's ABOUT TO CRASH INTO ME!!!
Fat Man crashes into Mario.
Fat Man: I am FAT MAN, wearing HAT MAN!
Mario: How many parodies of Batman do we need? So can you get us off the island?
Fat Man: Yeah!
He fattles them off the island.
AT GRODUS'S PLACE:
Grodus: You lost again?
Crump: But I did everything Mario said.
Grodus: He's the enemy.
Crump: Ah @#$%^*
Peach: Hi TEC.
TEC: You have to turn invisible to get data blah blah blah- Get to it!
Peach goes into the potion room and drinks a random potion, making her invisible.
TEC: Well, that was fast. Now to-
Peach: Done!
TEC: Um... That was strangely too fast.
Peach: Take this, I'm going to bed. Bye!
WITH BOWSER:
Bowser is in Twilight Town.
Bowser: Where am I?
Crump: Don't ask how I got here so fast.
Bowser: Ask what? Who are you?
Crump: I was talking to the viewers.
Bowser: Huh? Answer my question, who are you?
Crump: I am your father.
Bowser: Um... No you're not. But if you are, could I have a raise in allowance?
Crump: Join me, and we will rule the galaxy as fathe-
Bowser knocks him out of Twilight Town.
Kammy: Did that have a point?
Bowser: No, but I guess this chapter is...
DUN DUN DUN!