Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Parody

By Super Troopa

Chapter uh... Five: Yo Ho, Yo Ho, An Idiot's Life For Me

Mario and Vivian get their map checked and go to Frankly's-

DUN DUN DUN!

Mario: Um, what was that?

Oh, I hired a guy to make this more dramatic by saying DUN DUN DUN over and over again.

DUN DUN DUN!

Okay, stop. You can take a pie break now!

PIE PIE PIE!

Mario: Hey, the room's empty.

Mario picks up the phone.

Frankly's Voice: Um... hi. Nobody's here right now so uh... why don't you just uh, hang up and such?

Mario: I know you're on the line.

Frankly: DANG IT!

Frankly comes out of the bathroom.

Mario: You were there the whole time?

Frankly: Yeah, why? Now shut up, you fat oaf!

Mario: Well someone's grumpy today!

Frankly: Really? Who? Well anyway, you're going to the island of Keelhaul Key.

Mario: How can you tell? There are 72.5 other islands on the map.

Frankly: Well I- Wait, 72.5?

Mario: Well I was hungry and uh... let's just go to the bar.

They go into the bar and see Flavio.

Flavio: THEE SKULL CAPTAIN, CASTS HIS GAZE, THEE RED JEWEL, SHINES AND PLAYS! IT'S A BOOM-BASSA-BOOM FESTIVAL!

Mario: Um, yeah, that's nice and all but-

Flavio: TWO STACHE BROTHERS, BEST OF FRIENDS! THREE TIMES RED STACHE LANDS ON HIS END!

Mario: -we need to get to-

Flavio: BLUE STACHE BELLY, FOUR TIMES IS WHACKED! WATCH THE FIREWORKS BOOM AND CRACK! IT'S A BOOM-BASSA-BOOM FESTIVAL!

Mario: -Keelhaul Key.

Flavio: Well why didn't you say so? I've got the boat ready right now!

Mario: We just told you about it, how did you get the boat ready that fas-

Flavio: To the ship! Wait, first we need Bobbery!

Mario: Who-

Flavio: Bye!

Flavio tosses him to a random Bob-omb's house.

Bobbery: Get out! Bobbery who? Definitely not me!

Mario: I didn't even say anything. And you have a giant nametag with Bobbery on it!

Bobbery: NO!

Mario: Oh well.

Mario goes back to the bar and sees Vivian acting like a complete moron.

Mario: What are you doing?

Podley: I can help you convince Bobbery!

Mario: I didn't even say anything!

Podley: Bobbery's mad because of his wife.

Mario: She died?

Podley: No, she just left the fridge door open. Then she died but nobody cared.

Mario and Vivian go back to Bobbery's house.

Bobbery: I've decided to join you!

Mario: Why?

Bobbery: I got angry and killed my wife. Then I realized she was already dead for a year. Who did I kill?

Mario: Well, I don't know about thatm but come on the boat.

Bobbery: YAY! To Keelhaul Key!

Mario: How did you know we were going to Keelhaul Key?

Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!

Mario: Just come with us.

ON THE BOAT:

Horribly Disguised Crump: Hi, I'm Lord Cru- I mean Four Eyes.

Mario: Why would you want us to call you Four Eyes?

Four Eyes: Never thought of that.

Bobbery: All right, we've got complete control over the boat. Vegas, anyone?

Mario: No thank you, we're going to Keelhaul Key.

Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!

Pa-Patch: What's with him?

Mario: I think he does that every time someone says Keelhaul Key.

Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!

Mario: Hey wait, Flavio, weren't you that guy looking for a penny?

Flavio: Nah, that was that guy.

Mr. Potato Head: I say potato, you say... uh, polo?

Mario kicks him off the boat.

Mr. Potato Head: Stupid gags. I WIIIL REEEEEEEEETUUURN!!!

Gag: Why am I still running?

DUN DUN DUN!

Mario: Okay, this is too weird!

They set sail to Keelhaul Key.

Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!

Mario: Is this going to continue for the whole chapter?

LATER THAT NIGHT:

Flavio: Pa-Patch, check the top of the ship.

Pa-Patch: Okay.

He climbs to the top.

Pa-Patch: Let's see: clouds, winds, ghost. Nothing interesting.

He climbs down to the deck.

Pa-Patch: Hey, wait!

He climbs back to the top.

Pa-Patch: Dropped my keys.

Ember: Boo!

Pa-Patch: Yeah yeah, we get it, Flavio.

Ember: Huh?

Pa-Patch goes back to the deck.

Pa-Patch: Nothing good up there.

The same Ember appears.

Ember: Boo!

Flavio: So now what?

Ember: You know what? Forget this!

Everyone: AAAH! A GHOST!!!

Ember: Um... Okay. 0__o

Voice: OoOoOoOoOoOo and such. Step no further, because I have dangerous weapons!

Everyone: ...

Voice: ... And freckles.

Everyone: AAAH!

Flavio: That must have been Cortez!

DUN DUN DUN!

Mario: So we have to go to Keelhaul Key-

Bobbery: Where? Who? Who are you?! Bobbery? Nope, never heard of him!

Mario: -and beat Cortez-

DUN DUN DUN!

Mario: -to save the day. Any questions?

Flavio: Why are you so fat?

Mario: Um... Never mind.

The boat starts to rock.

Everyone: (singing) Rock the boat!

Mario: (singing) Don't rock the boat, baby!

Vivian: Um, now isn't the best time to sing.

The boat crashes and everyone conveniently lands on Keelhaul Key.

LATER:

Bob-omb: We've built a hut for you, come see!

Mario and Fatlady-

Vivian: Um, the name's Vivian.

Mario and Fatty-

Vivian: Vivian!

Mario and Fatso-

Vivian: Oh, I give up!

Mario and Vivian go to their hut.

Vivian: Why do authors have to notice everyone after they give up?

Mario: This hut stinks!

Vivian: Hello?

Pa-Patch: Let's see you do better!

Vivian: Once again, I am ignored.

Pa-Patch: Rome wasn't built in a day!

ONE DAY LATER:

Pa-Patch: Wow, I can't believe you built Rome.

Mario: I'm better than you guys!

Vivian: So uh, are we going to try to escape the island?

Mario: So uh, are we going to try to escape the island?

Vivian: I just asked that.

Mario drags Vivian to the other side of the island until they get to Bobbery.

Bobbery: Back, you ghosts, or I'll be forced to use my styling looks!

Mario: Should we tell him the ghosts replaced themselves with cardboard cutouts months ago?

Vivian: But we've only been here a day.

Mario walks up to the real ghosts.

Mario: You can't stop me, I have ice power!

The Embers melt the badge.

Mario: I'm doomed.

The Embers light him on fire Super Mario 64-style.

Mario: OW! MY BUTT'S ON FIRE, MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!

Vivian: What do you expect me to do?

Mario: MAYBE HELP ME!!!

Vivian: But I only have fire power. Oh well.

Vivian pushes him into the water.

Mario: *gasp* A pixy fairy must have granted me powers to hop in water!

Vivian: Or I just pushed you into the water.

Mario: Now don't get carried away. Hey, I don't feel anything, I guess the Nibbles aren't biting.

Mario comes out with half of his body a skeleton.

Vivian: 0.0

Mario: Oh, um... At least I lost weight.

Vivian: 0.0

Mario: Fine, I'll handle it.

Mario kills himself but gets revived due to the 1-Up gag that apparently died. Which is kind of ironic. You know, as in a 1-Up dying. Uh. never mind.

Gag: I-

Mario: THAT DOES IT!

Mario rips up the gag into pieces and does every violent thing possible to it.

Vivian: 0.0

Mario: Still could've had a V8.

DUN DUN DUN!

Mario: Shut up!

Bobbery: Um, any second now.

Mario: I got it.

Mario hammers them until the Ember cutouts are all piles of dust.

Vivian: And you could've done that any time?

Mario: Maybe I didn't feel like it!

Bobbery: I'm dying! Get me soda!

Mario: As a last meal? Wouldn't you rather-

Bobbery: I WANT SODA!

Mario: Fine!

Mario goes to Flavio's area.

Flavio: Here's the soda, goodbye!

Mario: But wait, how-

Flavio: LEAVE!

He kicks Mario back to Bobbery.

Bobbery: SODA!

Mario gives him the soda and he drinks it.

Mario: Well, aren't you dying?

Bobbery: No, I just faked it, but thanks for the soda!

Mario: Normally, I'd kill you. But I have a much worse punishment for you.

Bobbery joined your party!

They continue and find a skull made of rock blocking the way.

Bobbery: Whoops, better go talk to Flavio.

Mario: Can't we just move it? And why should we ask Flavio? What does he know about anything?

Bobbery is already far ahead of Mario.

Mario: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

They go back to the beach area.

LATER:

Flavio: So we have to get rid of that rock?

Mario: Wait, we just came to the area and we didn't even tell you anything, how do you know this stuff?

Flavio: Come on! To the rock!

Mario: *sigh*

AT THE ROCK:

Mario: Hm, there must be some clue in Flavio's song about how to do this. Oh well.

Mario throws Bobbery at the rock and blows it up.

Mario: Yay! He's dead! Two birds with one stone.

Bobbery falls back down.

Mario: What the-

Bobbery: You can't kill me, when I blow up I regenerate.

Mario: Grr.

Mario goes into Pirate's Grotto.

Mario: Aren't you coming?

Flavio: Nah, too lazy.

Mario heads off into the cave.

Voice: oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!

Mario: *gasp* That's the same message my Cheerios spell out!

Voice: Leave, for I have killer minions.

Mario: ...

Voice: Uh... Deadly weapons.

Mario: ...

Voice: And lawyers.

Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh well.

Mario goes through a bunch of platforms and ends up in a place with spikes going up and down.

Bobbery: Now what?

Mario: I've got an idea.

Mario straps Bobbery and a Bobbery voodoo doll to his feet to use as shoes.

Bobbery: OW! Why can't- OW! -you just- OW! -use real shoes? OW!

Mario: Because real shoes don't scream in pain.

Mario makes it to the end and unties Bobbery, but right after he sees a Bullet Bill cannon.

Mario: You know what this means, right?

Bobbery: That you'll let me go?

Mario: WRONG!

Mario tosses Bobbery into a cannon, blowing them both up. They continue until they see a giant ledge with platforms used to reach the top and a locked door.

Mario: Well, when in doubt, take the hard way!

Bobbery: I hate your motto.

They go up and see a gate.

Mario: Whoops, I guess the only way to pass is to throw you.

Bobbery: But what about that button that says "Press button to open gate"?

Mario: Nah, throwing you is a better idea.

Mario throws Bobbery into the door, blowing it up. Then he runs into that puzzle where you have to use Koops's shell to activate the cargo.

Mario: Eh, this is too complicated.

Marrio throws Bobbery at the key.

Bobbery: Hey, nothing hurt that time!

A Thwomp falls on him.

Mario: Come on, let's go.

He unlocks the door back a few rooms and ends up in an area with spikes coming in and out of the walls.

Mario: >:)

Bobbery: Oh no, I-

Mario uses him as a shield to get across. Mario then runs into a couple of barrels.

Mario: Hmm, I've got an idea.

He throws Bobbery.

Mario: D'oh, missed! Try again. D'oh, missed! Try again. D'oh! Missed.

This continues until hours later, when he finally makes it.

Mario: There we go.

Mario hops across the barrels.

Mario: I know I could've done that before, but that way is more fun.

They enter another room with a bunch of Bullet Bills.

Bobbery: You better not be thinking-

Mario grabs Bobbery and uses him as a shield until his face is black from explosions.

Bobbery: Will this continue the whole chapter?

Mario runs into a ship with a black chest.

Black Chest: Get the key!

Mario: Where's the key?

Black Chest: Like I should know.

Three Embers appear.

Mario: Didn't I kill you guys?

Ember: Plot hole.

Mario eats them.

Bobbery: Are you supposed to eat fire?

Mario: You're right, I feel like my insides are on fire.

Bobbery: Literally.

Mario grabs the key.

Bobbery: Wait! Where was that?

Mario: It was next to me the whole time.

Black Chest: Great, now open me.

Mario: Oh, come on, I'm not that stupid.

Black Chest: Yes you are.

Mario: Okay!

Mario opens the chest and a genie comes out.

Genie: I will grant you three wishes.

Mario: Five!

Genie: Four!

Mario: Three!

Genie: But, four's bigger than three!

Mario: Fine, If you're gonna be like that, one!

Genie: 0__o Okay. What's your wish?

Mario: Boat powers.

Genie: Boat powers? You'll poke your eye out!

He flies away.

Bobbery: Oh, great. Now what?

Mario: Hmm.

Mario uses Bobbery as a raft.

Mario: (singing) My Bobbery lies over the ocean,
My Bobbery lies over the sea,
My Bobbery lies over the ocean,
Please keep my Bobbery away from me!

Mario uses Bobbery to go over a huge waterfall.

Bobbery: Why have I not drowned yet?

Mario sails back to the entrance and gets some sort of handle.

Mario: How is this gonna help me?

Like I'm supposed to know.

Mario: Whatever.

Mario goes by some sort of crane.

Bobbery: I guess the handle should go here.

Mario: Or...

Mario uses Bobbery as a handle to open the gate.

Bobbery: Why is everything your way?

Mario: Shut up and go!

Mario rides Bobbery again. Then they end up by the waterfall on top of that rocky ledge.

Mario: Waterfall!

Mario goes through and gets soaked.

Mario: Why you little...

Mario rapidly slaps Bobbery.

Mario: *slap* That was for getting me wet! *slap* That was for arguing! *slap* And that was for fun!

They end up in an area with a bunch of waves.

Mario: Turbo speed!

Mario presses a button on Bobbery's back.

Bobbery: Wait, since when was that on my-

They fly at light speed.

Bobbery: -BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

They go until they find a bunch of Toads.

Toad 1: Hey, it's Mario!

Toad 2: Yay, target practice!

They all throw darts at him.

Mario: Hey, I'm your only chance to survive!

Toad 3: Hmm... Good point.

Mario goes down a pipe and ends up in the backround.

Mario: This again?

Mario goes up to a control panel.

Mario: Since when was this here?

Mario presses random buttons, freeing everyone.

Everyone: YAY!!!

Mario: Aw, I wanted them to turn into piles of ash.

Mario walks by and sees Frankie and Francesca.

Francesca: Hi Mario!

Mario: Hey wait, you guys don't exist! Take off that mask!

Mario tries to pull her face off.

Mario: Hmm. Wow, it's pretty tight, Mr. Potato Head!

Francesca: Who?

Mr. Potato Head: ME!

Mario: Wait, then she's the real... But you don't exist!

Francesca: I ran away and dad forgot about me.

Mario: Well, um, whatever.

Mario continues into the area with the ship of Cortez the pirate king!

DUN DUN DUN!

Mario: Quiet with the drama!

Mario goes inside.

Voice: oOoOoOoOoOo! If you come in, prepare to feel the Wrath of my "O"s!

Mario: Oh no! Alphabet!

He goes in the other door.

Voice: OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo! Oh, forget this!

He reveals himself to be a skeleton head.

Skeleton: I am Cortez the pirate king!

DUN DUN DUN!

Cortez: Huh?

Mario: He does that when someone says your name, or just whenever he feels it.

Cortez: Now, walk the plank!

Mario: Well, um, okay, if I just had a leash.

Cortez: No! I mean walk off it!

Mario: Okay.

Mario steps on the plank and hops back on the ship.

Cortez: The other end.

Mario: But, that's water.

Cortez: Duh.

Bobbery: Can't you use me as a raft again?

Mario: Nah, it's only fun the first one or two times. or maybe three. Okay, well it's always fun for me but I don't wanna! Besides, Peter Pan will save us.

Bobbery: But Peter Pan is fictitious.

Mario: Oh, I always thought he was Jewish. Then Homer Simpson will save us.

Bobbery: But Homer Simpson can't fly.

Mario: He'll just use his flying corn mobile.

Bobbery: Mario, you now officially lack logic.

Cortes: Enough of this!

He pushes them off but Homer Simpson saves him with his flying corn mobile.

Bobbery: .

Cortez: What the?! Oh well. Now we fight!

He turns into a giant skeleton body.

Mario: Oh big whoop, you finally grew a spine and some arms.

Cortez: Oh yeah?

He takes out swords.

Mario: I can still beat you.

He takes out rifles.

Mario: I'll whoop your butt good.

Cortez: Fine then!

He takes out tanks, armies, helicopters, missiles, hi-technicaaaal butterflies, and a British dork.

Harry Potter: Hullo.

Mario: I bet I can-

Bobbery covers Mario's mouth.

Bobbery: Um, he said nothing.

Cortez: Now feel the wrath of my sturdy body!

Mario breathes on him and he falls apart.

Cortez: Okay, you win.

Mario: Great, now give me my polygon thing.

Cortez: Oh, the star? Take it, I don't like it. It reminds me of math... evil... math!

Cortez gives him the Crystal Star.

END OF CHAP- Hey wait, we're not done yet.

DUN DUN DUN!

Mario goes by the rescued Toads.

Random Toad: Hey, I see a crack. Maybe we can blow it up.

Mario: Or use that big, unlocked door in front of you.

Random Toad: Well, um... Yeah, I guess so.

They go through the door and end up back where the ship crashed.

Mario: Well that was pointless.

Flavio comes out.

Flavio: They've returned! Um... Where's the treasure?

Mario: I picked that up, too.

Mario shows him a treasure chest.

Flavio: No!!! I meant the bonbons! How could you turn down that chocolate delight?!

Mario: That wasn't chocolate.

A ship comes in the water with Four Eyes on it.

Four Eyes: I am really... Crump!

He rips off his clothes and ends up in a Superman suit.

Crump: Whoops.

He rips off his clothes again and ends up in his regular clothes.

Flavio: Quick! To the bat cave- er. Pirate's Grotto.

They go into Cortez's ship.

Flavio: Let us borrow your ship!

Cortez: Okay.

Flavio: Really? No argument?

Cortez: Nah, I won't bother.

As soon as they come out they see everyone.

Mario: How long have you been following me?

Francesca: We're here to help you.

They head out to the sea.

Crump: Uh oh. Release the Kraken!

X-Naut PhD: Sir, we don't have a Kraken.

Crump: Well get one!

X-Naut PhD: We can't, it's not possible.

Crump: You're a nerd! Nothing's impossible for you! I summon the Kraken!

The Kraken attacks The Black Pearl.

Jack Sparrow: This is horrible!

Pirate: That we're going to sink?

Jack: No! Because we're out of rum!

Crump: Whoops, wrong ship.

X-Naut PhD: Well they're already here.

Mario hops onto Crump's ship.

Crump: Change the music!

X-Naut PhD: *Presses button*

The chicken dance comes on.

X-Naut PhD: Wrong button.

Mario: What the- I'll beat you... right after this dance.

Crump: Change it!

X-Naut PhD: Okay!

Mario: Hey, the music changed!

Crump: HA!!!

Mario: But, now what?

Crump: ... I don't know.

Mario: Ooh, I have an idea!

Mario kicks him in the shin.

Crump: Ow!

Mario: So uh, don't you flee like a coward now?

Crump: Um. okay.

Crump and his ship sails away.

Mario: Once again, lousy underlings.

Flavio: We did it! Although we didn't really accomplish anything. Now how do we get back?

DUN DUN DUN!

Random Voice: Denenenenenenene!

Bobbery: Look up in the sky!

Pa-Patch: It's a bird!

Flavio: It's a plane.

Mario: No, it's ABOUT TO CRASH INTO ME!!!

Fat Man crashes into Mario.

Fat Man: I am FAT MAN, wearing HAT MAN!

Mario: How many parodies of Batman do we need? So can you get us off the island?

Fat Man: Yeah!

He fattles them off the island.

AT GRODUS'S PLACE:

Grodus: You lost again?

Crump: But I did everything Mario said.

Grodus: He's the enemy.

Crump: Ah @#$%^*

Peach: Hi TEC.

TEC: You have to turn invisible to get data blah blah blah- Get to it!

Peach goes into the potion room and drinks a random potion, making her invisible.

TEC: Well, that was fast. Now to-

Peach: Done!

TEC: Um... That was strangely too fast.

Peach: Take this, I'm going to bed. Bye!

WITH BOWSER:

Bowser is in Twilight Town.

Bowser: Where am I?

Crump: Don't ask how I got here so fast.

Bowser: Ask what? Who are you?

Crump: I was talking to the viewers.

Bowser: Huh? Answer my question, who are you?

Crump: I am your father.

Bowser: Um... No you're not. But if you are, could I have a raise in allowance?

Crump: Join me, and we will rule the galaxy as fathe-

Bowser knocks him out of Twilight Town.

Kammy: Did that have a point?

Bowser: No, but I guess this chapter is...

DUN DUN DUN!

Read on!


 
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