Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Parody

By Super Troopa

Chapter Not Five: Three...Thousand Days of Excess...ive Annoying Tasks

Mario and Bobbery get their map marked and go to Frankly's.

Mario: So, can you check our map?

Frankly: Why should I? What do you think I am, some kind of map reader?!

Mario: Well, yes.

Frankly: Then shut up and gimme!

He takes the map.

Frankly: Uh-huh, just as I thought!

Mario: What?

Frankly: I got the brainteaser right!

Mario: What does that have to do with us?

Frankly: Absolutely nothing at all! You're going to Poshley Heights!

Mario: Do you know how to get there?

Frankly: Definitely... not!

Mario: Oh yeah, thanks a lot, genius.

Frankly: You're welcome!

He kicks him to Don Pianta's house.

Don Pianta: What do you want?!

Mario: Train tickets. Wait, how did you survive?

Don Pianta: Asking questions will get you nowhere.

Mario: Will it get me to Poshley Heights?

Don Pianta: Yes.

He gives Mario a train ticket.

Mario: Well, that was easy. Now, off to Poshley Heights!

Bobbery: I don't like the people there. They're just so fat and dumb. No offense, reader.

Reader: What the- *Calls to sue*

Mario walks to the toad by the train and gives him the ticket.

Toad: You know this train is free. It doesn't need any tickets. There are only two people on here.

Mario: What are you talking about? There are dozens of passengers, are you that bad at math?!

Toad: Well, um... I NEVER FINISHED COLLEGE! WAAAAAH!

He runs away.

Mario: Well that was weird.

He hops on the train and it starts moving.

Bobbery: Why did they start the train when you came on?

Mario: Hey, what are you doing here?!

He throws Bobbery to Alaska.

Mario: Aaw, now I don't have a partner.

Goombella comes out of Mario's pocket.

Mario: Now this is just getting worse for me!

He goes into his cabin and sees a note.

Note: Leave now or I will give you a sticky, yummy fate.

Mario stares at the note for hours.

Mario: Nope, I just don't get it.

He throws it out the window and goes into the dining cabin.

Waitress: What would you like to eat?

Mario: Food.

Waitress: Oh, sorry, we're all out.

Mario walks to an area with a bunch of people gathering around.

Pennington: Now, to find out who stole the pot.

Mario: You mean that pot right next to the oven?

Pennington: Yes, now we have to find out who stole it.

Mario: But it's right there.

Pennington: Shh, those stew marks might be a clue!

Mario: Or the pot on the stove might be a clue.

Pennington: Now don't let that fool you.

He follows the track and finds nothing.

Mario: Told you it wasn't stolen.

Pennington: Well fine then, Mr. Genius, where is it?

Mario: Next to the stove.

Pennington: Fine, you win this time, but don't think you're better than me. Now, come into my room.

Mario goes into Pennington's room and sees Pennington.

Mario: What the- But you were just in the dining cabin.

Pennington: Hmm. I've got it! The Bob-omb family is guilty.

Mario: Of what?

Penington: Guilty!

Mario: But I-

Pennington: Guilty guilty guilty!

Mario: Fine, I'll go see them.

He goes inside their cabin.

Bub: Hey Mister, can you guess what I want for my birthday?

Mario: Is it an autograph from a train engineer?

Bub: ... How did you know?

Mario: I read the player's guide.

He walks to the train conductor and the note randomly flies in through the window into Mario's hands.

Mario: Oh yeah, I forgot. What can you make out of this?

He gives the conductor the note.

Conductor: Well, let's see...

He starts folding it into different shapes.

Conductor: I can make a hat, a boat, a plane-

Mario: Give me that! You're no help.

He grabs the note and walks away.

Conductor: But wait, you didn't even let me make a puppy!

Mario walks into Pennington's Cabin.

Pennington: Ah, yes. You return.

Mario: Um, hey, look at this note.

He gives Pennington the note, and he just continues to stare at it.

Mario: What are you doing?

Pennington: Well you said to look at it.

Mario: Well can you tell me what it means?

Pennington: Sure, to look at something means to-

Mario: No, I mean tell me what the note means.

Pennington: Sure, a note is-

Mario: Never mind!

Pennington: Well, you see, yhe conductor needs a blanket so he can sleep tonight.

Mario: But it's daytime.

Pennington: Just go.

As soon as Mario walks out it becomes nighttime.

Mario: Is this weirding anyone else out?

Goombella: Me.

Mario: Wait, hold on. Where were you this whole time?

Goombella: In the bathroom.

Mario: There is no bathroom.

Mario walks up to the conductor.

Conductor: Thank goodness. My blanket is missing!

Mario: It's right next to you.

Conductor: Uh.

He throws the blanket out the window.

Conductor: Now, get me a blanket!

Mario: Ugh.

Mario walks to room 4.

Goombella: Is there a reason we're here?

Mario: Is there a reason you're fat?

A ghost appears out of nowhere.

Ghost T: OoOoOo! I am a ghost!

Mario: OoOoOo! I know!

Ghost T: I died on this train by eating the tuna salad surprise on Tuesdays.

Mario: I knew that stuff was poison!

Ghost T: I left my diary in the back storage area. Give it to me and I will give you the blanket.

Mario: But how did you know that we wanted the blanket?

Ghost: Magic.

Mario: Okay, works for me.

He walks back to the conductor.

Conductor: Yes?

Mario: We need to get a diary for a ghost to get a blanket.

Conductor: Aaw, but I'm only on day 20.

Mario: Wait, you were reading it?

Conductor: ... Maybe.

Ghost T. charges straight towards him.

Ghost T: DIEEEEE!

Mario: AAH!

He takes the book and whacks the ghost over the head with it and takes the blanket.

Mario: Here you go.

Conductor: Actually, I was kidding. I already have a blanket.

Mario: Grr.

Violence happens.

Mario: That does it, I'm going to bed!

Goombella: But, I'm not tired at a- Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Mario: Oh, wait. I forgot I- Zzzzzzzzzz.

THE NEXT DAY:

Pennington: Wake up, wake up!

Mario: Ugh. Ten more minutes.

A rat businessman comes into the room.

Mario: What?

Businessman: My nitro honey syrup was stolen!

Mario: So?

Businessman: If it gets mixed with gold and seashell it explodes!

Waitress: My seashell earrings were stolen!

Toodles: My golden ring is gone!

Mario: Strange... None of this seems to add up.

Pennington: Quick! Catch the thief!

Mario: What do I do?

Mario finds a paper on the floor.

Mario: Hey, a note.

Pennington: Right. Clue one: littering.

Mario: But what about what it says? It looks too advanced for me.

Businessman: That's a page of the Hungry Little Caterpillar.

Mario: Oh, then GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

They both get out.

Mario: So now what?

Mario reads the player's guide and while he's reading, Zip Toad hops out of his hiding spot and runs around in circles.

Zip Toad: You can't catch me!

Mario: Quiet! I'm reading the player's guide!

Mario trips him and keeps reading.

Mario: Hmm. It says here I need to catch Zip Toad.

Goombella wakes up.

Goombella: *yawn* I'm awake.

Mario: Why so late?

Goombella: I dunno.

Mario: Oh, so that's your answer to everything, huh? To you the whole world is like Heygoombellawhat'sup?Idunno.Okay!

Goombella: What are you talking about?!

Mario: I DON'T KNOW!!!

Pennington comes back in.

Pennington: So you've caught the thief?

Mario: I did? I mean, uh, I did! Now uh... give me money and stuff.

Pennington: Now, just to get him off of the train...

Zip Toad transforms into-

DOOPLISS!

Hey, who was-

THAT?!

Stop finishing my-

SENTENCES!

Oh, just forget-

IT!

Doopliss: Hey Slick!

Mario: Doopliss!

Doopliss: So you remember me?

Mario: No, I just read the text.

Doopliss: Oh, now to jump out the door!

Mario: Shouldn't you wait until the train stops?

Doopliss: Stop Schmop!

He jumps out the door. Hey, that idiot is-

GONE!

Aaw.

HEY, THAT ONLY HAD ONE WORD IN IT! MALFUNCTION! OVRELOAD! BEEP! *Explodes*

Yeah, anyway...

Train Engineer: We will be arriving in Riverside Station in... now.

They stop and end up in Riverside Station.

Mario: So, what are we doing here?

Train Worker: The bridge is broken!

Mario: What does that have to do with me?

Goombella: Well, it could stop us from continuing on our journey and rescuing Peach.

Mario: Who?

Train Worker: Just go!

Mario: Whatever.

Mario goes inside the station.

Mario: I don't get it. Why was the switch flipped?

Goombella: Maybe some bad guys did it.

Mario: Duh.

Goombella: Did you just say "Duh" to me?

Mario: Duh.

They go inside a room with a bunch of gears.

Mario: Ooh, what does this do?

Mario takes one gear out and the whole thing falls down and a key lands on Mario.

Mario: Sweet, but now what?

Mario opens a random door.

Poison Pokey: I'm going to poke you!

Mario: What if I poke you?

Poison Pokey: You'll be poisoned.

Mario: Really?

Pokey: Yes.

Mario: Really?

Pokey: Yes.

Mario: Really?

Pokey: Yes.

Mario: Really?

Pokey: Yes.

...

Mario: Really?

Pokey: Shut up! Just shut up, okay!

The Pokey explodes, and I'm tired of typing "Pokey". Anyway, Mario continues back inside and sees a small tunnel where you have to use the paper tube to get through.

Mario: I don't know what this is but it looks fun.

He slides down the slide.

MANY BROKEN BONES LATER:

Mario: So, I'm finally at the bottom.

Mario goes through a few rooms and sees switches.

Mario: I don't know what these are but maybe it needs a password. Uh, hocus pocus, bippity boppity boo, lobster tail.

Goombella: Oh, for crying out loud...

Goombella hits them all in the right order and stairs form.

Mario: Hey, it was lobster tail!

Mario goes up the stairs and sees a box. He opens it and gets Ultra Boots. Toadette comes in.

Toadette: Congratulations! You got Ultra Boots! Now you can wind up a jump and go really high!

Mario: Won't that give me brain damage?

Toadette: Yep.

Toadette leaves.

Mario: Okay.

Mario uses his boots to get out of the area and get an elevator card.

Mario: What does this do?

Goombella: Works an elevator, duh.

Mario: Oh, okay.

Mario steps in the elevator.

Elevator: Going down, going down, going down.

MANY HOURS LATER:

Elevator: Going down, going down.

Mario: (reading a newspaper) Ooh, there's a holy sale at The Christian Store. Their motto is, "Holy sale, we poke holes in the prices."

Elevator: Going down.

It keeps going down until Mario and Goombella end up in Plit's version of China.

Chinese Guy: *Chinese*

Mario: Huh?

Other Chinese Guy: *Chinese*

Mario: AAAH!

He jumps down the hole the elevator created.

Third Chinese Guy: I guess he doesn't like rice.

Mario ends up in the area with the switch, but they see a bunch of creatures surrounding it.

Smorg: Smorgsmorgsmorg!

Mario: Mariomariomario!

Goombella: Goombellagoombellagoombella!

Authorauthorauthor- Hey wait, what are we doing?!

Mario: I dunno.

Oh, so that's your answer to everything, huh? To you the whole world is like HeyMariowhat'sup?Idunno.Okay!

Mario: Okay, now this story is really bugging me!

Mario hammers them away and flips the switch, making another switch appear.

Mario: Okay, that was pointless.

Mario hits that switch, then another one appears.

Mario: What the-

He keeps hitting a bunch of switches until he gives up and leans on a brick, causing the bridge to open.

Mario: Finally!

He goes back outside the station.

Mario: I found the switch!

Train Worker: Well actually we found the button a minute ago, so you didn't really do anything.

Mario: So I did all that for nothing?

Train Worker: Yep, basically.

Mario goes back on the train.

Pennington: Oh, and if you could-

Mario: No!

Mario goes to bed.

THE NEXT DAY:

Mario: Um... Why is it so quiet?

Goombella: I dunno.

Mario Where is everybody?

Goombella: I dunno. Let's ask the engineer.

Mario: Okay.

They go to the engineer's car.

Mario: Where is everybody?

Engineer: I don't know, did you check their cabins?

Mario: Pfft, like they'd ever be there!

A Smorg hops on the window.

Engineer: What's that thing?

Mario: I think they're called s'mores.

Goombella: No, those are Smorgs, remember?

A bunch of them hop on the window.

Engineer: AAAAAAH! M-M-M-Mario, make s-s-s-sure that the p-p-p-p-passengers are s-s-s-safe. C-C-C-Check on t-t-t-them while I d-d-d-drive the t-t-t-t-train!

Mario: What's wrong with you?!

Engineer: It's c-c-c-c-cold in h-h-h-h-here!

Mario: Okay.

Mario heads to the back cabin and finds more Smorgs.

Mario: Oh, come on!

He hammers them and they run away, revealing the waitress and conductor.

Waitress: Who would've known they'd use the tuna salad surprise against me?!

Conductor: Where's Mr. Snuggles?!

Mario goes on the roof.

Mario: Hey, look at the scenery!

Goombella: Mario, not right now!

Mario: Hey, what's that cloud look like to you?

Goombella: Mario!

Mario: Okay.

He gets to the front of the train.

Smorg: SMORG!!!

All the Smorgs come together and make a monster.

Mario: WOAH! It's a giraffe!

Kolorado: It's a tuna!

Mario: Wait, didn't your head explode?

Mario looks back and Kolorado is gone.

Mario: *sigh*

Smorg: SMORG!!!

Mario: So now what?

Goombella: Beats me. Just attack him.

Mario: Okay.

He tries to attack but he trips over himself!

Smorg: HA! Loser!

Mario: You can talk?

Smorg: Yep, and you'll never find out that my only weakness is to get rid of all my arms and attack the body!

Mario: Yep, I'll never find out something like that.

Smorg: Yep! Ha! Wait... D'oh!

Mario gets rid of his arms and sits on the body.

Smorg: No! You're so fat! It hurts!

It withers away into nothing and the passengers are freed.

Mario: Ha! You all owe me big time! In your face!

Pennington: So, uh, now what?

Conductor: But where's Mr. Snuggles?

Fat Toad: *burp*

Conductor: ...

Fat Toad: What? No one told me it was important.

Conductor: NOOOOO!!!

Engineer: We will soon arrive at Poshley Heights! Did you like the trip?

Mario: No!

The train stops and Mario leaves.

Mario: Yes! I'm free of that train for good!

Mario goes to Poshley Sanctum but the door is locked.

Pennington: Allow me.

Mario: Ah great, you again!

Pennington: I'm the sanctum manager!

He opens the door and finds the Shadow Sirens.

Beldam: Yes, this is it! Mweeheeheeheehee!

Doopliss: You know if you keep doing that annoying laugh I'm not staying in your group.

Marilyn: Guh!

Mario: Aah! Witchy!

Beldam: Yes, it's me-

Mario: No, not you, that sheet guy! You're Fatty!

Marilyn: Guh? (Then who am I?)

Mario: You're Witchy!

Doopliss: But I'm Witchy.

Mario: No, you're Fatty!

Beldam: But, I'm Fatty!

Goombella swaps with Vivian.

Vivian: What's going on?

Mario: You're Witchy!

Marilyn: Guh! (But I'm Witchy!)

Mario: No, you're Freak-Sheet!

Beldam: Wait, now there's a Freak-Sheet?!

Mario: Quiet, Fatty!

Doopliss: But I'm-

Beldam: Shut up! Just shut up!

They take the Crystal Star and leave.

Mario: Is that a bad thing!

Pennington: Don't worry, that was a fake!

Mario: Well, okay then, Mister Perfect, Where's the real one?!

Pennington: Not telling.

Mario: Oh, come on!

Pennington: No! And definitely don't look behind the curtain, there's nothing there!

Mario: Oh really?

Mario goes behind the curtain and finds a warp pipe to another sanctum.

Mario: Where are we?

Dark Boo: Boo!

Mario: Hm...

Dark Boo: Hello! I'm over here!

Mario Ah, here it is.

Mario grabs the Crystal Star and leaves the sanctum.

END OF CHAPTER!

AT GRODUS'S PLACE:

Grodus: How can you fail again?

Beldam: Like I just did.

Grodus CRUMP!

Crump: You don't have to yell, I'm right next to you.

Grodus: Take the Crystal Star and get rid of Mario. It's a complicated task.

CrumP: Like the ones you give me all the time?

Grodus: Yes. Now go!

Everyone leaves.

Grodus: I despise you, Mario.

Crump comes back in.

Crump: Why are you talking to yourself?

Grodus: Uhh... Why are you here?

Crump: We'd like to know what pizza you'd like.

Grodus: We're ordering pizza?

Crump: Yes.

Grodus: How will the delivery man get to the moon?

Crump: I gave him a rocket.

Grodus: You gave him the secret rocket?!

Crump: Yeah. Oh, and TEC is helping the princess, but that's not important right now, just tell me what pizza you would like.

Grodus: What?! I must stop TEC! Oh, and I want pepperoni on my pizza.

Crump: Okay.

WITH TEC:

Peach: Hi TEC!

TEC: Yeah yeah yeah. Anyway, I found out what they're going to do to you. And I have to cut away just before the good part. They will...

LATER:

Peach: Oh, okay.

TEC: You must escape.

Peach: Really? I'm actually used to it now. The wallpaper is really nice.

TEC: Just leave already!

Peach: Okay.

She sends an Email and Grodus comes in.

Grodus: TEC!

TEC: Yes?

Grodus: Why are you helping Peach?

TEC: Because you don't care.

Grodus: You're darn right I don't! Now, shut down TEC!

X-Nauts come by and shut him down.

TEC: NOOO!

Grodus: Stop complaining!

TEC: Peach.

...........
...I.......
...........
........l.....
...o.........
........v....
...e.........
...........
........p....
...i.......
........e....

TEC shuts down for good.

Peach: Oh no! Where's Geico when you need it?

Grodus: Gack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

MEANWHILE:

Bowser: Lalalalala!

Kammy: What are you doing? Well anyway, we've found an underground passage and-

Bowser: Lalala-

Kammy: Bowser!

Bowser: What?

Kammy: We've invaded an underground castle!

Bowser: So?

Kammy: Uh, I don't know.

Bowser walks into a random castle and finds an area at the end.

Rawk Hawk: Hey! Get out of here! Fine then! I'll rawk ya!

He slides but completely misses and ends up hitting a wall.

Rawk Hawk: Ow.

Bowser: This is boring!

Kammy: Hey, a Crystal Star!

Bowser walks away without paying any attention.

Kammy: *sigh*

Read on!


 
Comments, suggestions, stories, or story ideas? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Fun Fiction.
Go back to my main page.