Chapter Still Not Five: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little... uh, Moon
Mario gets his map marked and goes to Frankly.
Frankly: Hey Slick- I mean uh. dude, or whatever.
Mario: Uh, anyway-
Frankly: Oh, and just to tell you, I am definitely NOT Doopliss in disguise!
Mario: Um yeah, so now-
Frankly: I'm not Doopliss! I mean, uh... Doopliss... who?
Mario: Did you take your pills?
Mario gives Frankly his pills.
Frankly: Oh, thanks. So now what do you need?
Mario: I-
Frankly: Okay, I'll check your map!
Mario: Where-
Frankly: The Moon!
Mario: How-
Frankly: Ultra Hammer!
Mario: Where-
Frankly: Somewhere outside!
He kicks Mario out.
Mario: Now where can that Ultra Hammer be?
Vivian: Maybe that giant box that says "ULTRA HAMMER" in big, flashing letters.
Mario: Probably under the bed.
Vivian: What bed?
Mario: At the inn.
Vivian: You are such an idiot.
Vivian looks in the box.
Vivian: There's nothing in here!
Mario looks under the bed and finds the Ultra Hammer.
Mario: Found it!
A dotted screen appears with Toadette.
Toadette: Congratulations! You got the Ultra Hammer! You need to do a new technique. It's hard, but you have to wind up and spin around with your hammer!
Mario: But... that's the same move as the last hammer upgrade.
Toadette: Yep!
Mario: That wasn't a question.
Toadette: Yep! And this is the last time I'll be seeing you.
Mario: Really? YES!!!
Toadette: Yeah, sad, isn't it? Oh well.
Toadette explodes.
Mario: Well, back to Frankly's.
Mario returns to Frankly.
Mario: I got the Ultra Hammer!
Frankly: Great, now head down a pipe under the west side of town and ask the Bob-ombs if you can use their cannon. If they say no then put a paper bag over your head while the world is being destroyed.
Mario: Got it.
Mario goes to the west side of town and uses his hammer to go down the pipe to...
Mario: Alaska! We're in Alaska!
Fat Head: What the-
Mario: You again?
Bobbery: Huh?
Mario: Oh come on!
Bobbery: We made s'mores. Want one?
Mario: Sure.
He hands him a s'more.
Mario: Hey! This is burnt! Why you little @#$^*!!!
He throws Bobbery down a hill and Fat Head hops in his pocket.
Mario: Come on, Vivian, let's go... Vivian?
Mario looks back to see that Vivian is a block of ice.
Mario: Well, as long as I can get her to safety, she'll be fine.
Mario accidentally drops Vivian down a huge hill and she shatters to pieces.
Mario: 0__0 Uh oh.
Mario switches to Koops.
Mario: Okay, let's go.
They run into an ice puff.
Ice Puff: You will not pass!
Mario: Ooh, a floating marshmallow!
Mario is about to put him in his mouth.
Ice Puff: Hey, wait. What are you doing? AAAAUGH!!!
Mario eats him.
Mario: Well, off to Fahr Outpost!
Mario keeps walking, and walking, and walking, and walking.
Mario: Wait, hold on, Alaska's on Earth! Oh, wait. I got it!
Mario uses the Return Pipe and ends up in Flipside.
Mario: Where am I?
Merlon: Hey, you're not supposed to be here!
Mario: Right.
Mario heads through the door to Fahr Outpost.
Koops: I'm not sure it works that way.
The door disappears behind him.
Mario: NO!!! I'm trapped here forever!
Mario walks to the mayor.
Mayor: Lovely day, isn't it?
Mario: Yeah, now where's the cannon?
Mayor: Not telling you- I mean uh, we don't have one- I mean uh, cannon? What's a cannon- No I- GAAAAAAH!!!
Mario: ...
Mayor: Okay, I admit it! The cannon's here but we're not letting you use it!
Mario: Oh well.
Mario puts a paper bag over his head.
Koops: Mario! How can you just give up like that?!
Mario: You're just jealous because you don't have a paper bag.
Mayor: Hmm. Fine, I'll let you use it, but under two conditions.
Mario: What?
Mayor: First you need to get permission from Goldbob and General White. Second, give me the paper bag.
Mario: You mean Baggie? But I...
Mayor: Well...?
Mario: Eh, you can have it. I don't care about it anymore.
Koops: I remember Goldbob being in Poshley Heights.
Mario: Well then... to Poshley Heights!
AT POSHLEY HEIGHTS:
Mario walks to Goldbob.
Mario: Yeah, I was just wondering if I can have permission to use your cannon.
Golbob: No! I don't want any of your Girl Scout cookies!
Mario: Girl Scout cookies?
Goldbob: Go away!
Some Girl Scouts come by.
Girl Scout: Hello, would you like some cookies?
Goldbob: Sure you can have permission to use my cannon!
He holds out some kind of certificate and Mario snatches it from him.
Mario: Well that was easy. Now what?
Koops: Well, I saw General White in Petalburg.
Mario: ... Where?
Koops Oh yeah, I forgot. You skipped it.
Mario: Well then... to Petalburger!
Koops: Um... It's Petalburg, not Petalburger.
Mario: Oh, sorry, I'm just hungry.
AT PETALBURG:
I'm typing with my toes!
Mario: Okay. That was random.
Koops: I want to type with my toes too!
Okay.
Koops: Hedr cyhtg bghisa i9wse frunjh!
Mario: ... Wow, you stink.
Hammer Brother: My turn to type with my hammer.
Mario: Okay, go ahead.
Hammer Brother: yhuwe4y67tkl ytiouyp[trwer 8uifymnyhuj56yhl klm nnuygu8weq vb89weqvb tr87jh!
Mario: Woah, you stink even worse.
Stop it, stop it, okay?!
Mario: Fine.
Koops walks up to his family.
Koops: Hey wait, didn't you get eaten by Hooktail?
Koopley: What? Who's Hooktail? Who are you? Get out of my house!
Koops: Okay, number one, I'm your son, and number two, I'm not in your house.
Koopley: Go away!
Mario: So uh... Where is he?
Koops: I don't know. Let's ask the mayor.
They go to Mayor Kroop's house.
Kroop: General White? Yeah, he went to uh, Creeky Key.
Mario: I didn't even ask anything, but oh well. To Keelhaul Key!
At Keelhaul Key:
Mario: Now where is he?
Koops: Ooh, look at those berries! Are they poisonous?
Koops eats one.
Koops: Yep, they're poisonous all right!
Koops drops dead but gets revived by a Life Shroom.
Mario: Enough fooling around!
Koops: (about to eat some poison ivy) Okay.
Mario walks up to Pa-Patch.
Pa-Patch: General White, yeah, he said he's in an arena.
Mario: I didn't ask anything that time either! Well, I guess we go to the fatty sumo wrestling arena.
AT THE FATTY SUMO WRESTLING ARENA:
Mario: Yay! Look at those fat guys sumo wrestle!
Koops: Um, I'm pretty sure he meant Glitzville.
Mario: Aaw, but I like it here. Well then, to Glitzville!
AT GLITZVILLE:
Mario: Um... Now what?
Hoggle: Get your hotdogs here!
Mario: I've got it! One hotdog please!
Hoggle hands him a hotdog.
Mario: Now, hotdog, where's General White?
Koops: Um, I don't think he can talk.
Mario: Not talking, eh?
Koops: Mario.
Mario: Then take this!
Mario punches it.
Koops: Mario.
Mario: Now die!
He stomps it to death.
Koops: MARIO!!!
Mario: Yeah?
Koops: How about we just ask the bartender?
Mario: That was my idea!
Koops: No it wasn't.
Mario walks to the bartender.
Bartender: General White? Yeah, he went to some kind of tree.
Mario: How come people always answer questions I never ask?!
AT THE GREAT TREE:
Mario: Well, here we are.
Random Toad: I like to stand here everyday just watching nature develop.
Mario: ... Get a life.
Mario goes inside.
Mario: Hey look, bubbles!
Koops: Yeah, I like bubbles.
Mario: You know they make colored bubbles.
Koops: No, really?
Mario: Yeah. Heym where do these bubbles come from, anyway?
Koopa: I don't know, that's a good question.
Puni: General White? Yeah, he went to somewhere dark.
Mario: Hey, you interrupted our conversation!
AT TWILIGHT TOWN:
Mario: How do we get to these places anyway?
Koops: I don't know, the author just cuts away.
Mario: Well, I hope this won't have the same pattern.
Bucdifavudihoiwu: What can I do for you?
Mario: Hey, you're that guy I named three chapters ago!
Bucdifavudihoiwu: Don't remind me.
Mario: Hey wait, you didn't tell me the answer to my question when I didn't even ask!
Bucdifavudihoiwu: General White? He passed by a little while ago.
Mario: AAAARGH! Well then, where did he go?
Bucdifavudihoiwu: Don't ask me, I have no clue. He was just tired, though.
Mario: Well, since we're doomed now, let's tell the mayor of Fahr Outpost that we can't find him and hopefully get my paper bag back.
AT FAHR OUTPOST:
Mario: Well, we can't find General White.
Mayor: Oh, then I guess we can't fire the cannon.
General White comes out of his house.
General White: Ooh, look, the mustached man.
Mayor: *looks at General White* Hi General White! *looks back at Mario* Well, I guess if you can't find him the world will end.
Mario: Can I have my bag back?
Mayor: No!
Mario: You're mean!
Mario walks into a house.
Koops: What are you doing?
Mario: Well, if the world's gonna end then I decided I want to spend my last minutes robbing someone's house. Hey, there's a lump on the bed.
Koops: Wait, that's General White!
Mario: Oh, well let's wake him up.
Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.
Mario: Again.
Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.
Mario: Again.
Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.
Mario: Again.
Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.
Mario: Again.
Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.
MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS LATER:
Mario: Oh, I give up!
General White: Huh? Who? Where?
Mario: Oh, thank DAD you're awake!
General White: Zzzzzzzz!
Mario: GENERAL WHITE!!!
General White: Huh, what?
Mario: We need to use the cannon.
General: Oh, okay. I only use it to launch watermelons at people on Earth.
Mario goes- Ow! I got hit by a watermelon! Mario goes to the first area of Fahr Outpost.
Mayor: Wait here.
General White goes inside an igloo.
General White: Now open the hatch.
A small hatch opens and Mario and Koops fall in.
Mario: AAAUGH!!!
General White: Open the outer hatch, open the inner hatch, release the cannon.
All that stuff happens.
Mario: It's dark in here.
General White: Set the coordinates!
Bob-omb: We already did that.
Mario: Ow! I sat on a tack.
General White: Should we begin the countdown?
Bob-omb: No, we have to put the Bob-ombs in.
A bunch of Bob-ombs hop in.
Mario: I think I stepped in gum.
General White: Fire in 1,000, 999, 998-
Bob-omb: Just press the button.
He presses the fire button.
Mario: When's this thing gonna fi-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!
They launch into space.
General White: Good luck, Mario.
... But the wind changes and they fly way off somewhere.
General White: Um.
General White walks away innocently. Meanwhile, Mario and Koops bounce off a meteor and land on the moon.
Mario: Woot! Let's do it again.
Koops: Wow, we're on the moon!
Mario: No, duh.
Koops: Hey, watch this.
He does a bunch of flips and turns in the air and lands on his feet.
Mario: Oh yeah? Well watch this!
Mario starts walking.
Koops: That's just walking.
Mario: Well I'm walking on the moon!
Michael Jackson: Do the Moonwalk!
Mario: Well, don't just sit here, let's explore!
Dora: Okay, guys!
Mario: What are you doing here?
Map: I'm the map, I'm the map!
Mario: Oh, come on!
Map: First we go to the huge moon rock, then the big crater, and then the X-Naut Fortress!
Mario: It's the same thing every episode!
Koops: You watch that show?
Mario: Uh... no.
Dora: (singing) Come on, everybody. Moon rock, crater, X-Naut Fortress!
Michael Jackson: Do the Moonwalk!
Mario: AAAAAAAARGH!!!
They find a moon rock.
Dora: How will we get across?
Mario: Seriously, how long will you guys be following me?
Backpack: How should Dora get across?
Mario: Maybe we can just walk around it!
Dora: Good idea!
They walk around it and a band of snails plays a victory tune.
Mario: Oh, dear DAD!
They come to a crater.
Dora: How should we cross this?
Mario: ... Walk around it again.
Dora: Right!
Mario: *sigh*
The same thing happens.
Mario: Just keep going.
TWO HOURS LATER:
Dora: Moon rock, crater, X-Naut Fortress!
Michael Jackson: Do the Moonwalk!
Mario: This is completely the worst day ever.
Spongebob: It's the best day ever!
Mario: AAAARGH!!! We've been going in circles, and you guys won't shut up! How do we get there?!
Bobbery suddenly flies to the moon, blows up a rock covering a warp pipe, and flies back to Plit.
Mario: ... Okay. Well, we can go in now
They go to the X-Naut Fortress.
Dora: Yay! We did it! We did it-
Mario: No we didn't! We still have to get to the Crystal Star and everything else! Now leave me alone!
Mario and Koops walk into the Fortress.
Dora: Well fine then!
Michael Jackson: Geez!
Dora: Hey, where's Boots?!
Spongeebob burps and a boot comes out of his mouth.
Spongebob: What...? I was hungry and...
Michael Jackson: This could be bad.
WITH MARIO:
Mario: Well, they're gone now.
Two Elite X-Nauts come in.
Elite X-Naut 1: It's Mario! Let's beat him up!
Elite X-Naut 2: But Crump said to report it to him!
Elite X-Naut 1: Who cares?
Elite X-Naut 2: I do, and I'm not attacking!
Elite X-Naut 1: Okay... sissy.
Elite X-Naut 2: Nobody calls me sissy!
They get into a fight with each other.
Mario: Um, let's just leave.
They run to the next room.
Elite X-Naut 1: Great! You let him escape.
Elite X-Naut 2: No, you did!
Elite X-Naut 1: No, you did!
Elite X-Naut 2: No, you did!
WITH MARIO:
Mario: Okay, that was weird.
They enter a room with an electric floor.
Koops: I think you have to memorize the path and walk on it.
Mario: Well I have a better idea!
Mario throws Koops.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Eventually Mario gets it. By then Koops has his hair sticking up and is partly gray.
Koops: *cough* Why me? At least I got an elevator key.
They go into the elevator.
Elevator: What is your command?
Mario: Um, yeah. I'll have two double cheeseburgers, hold the pickles, extra pickles, one burger brown, the other one yellow.
TWO HOURS LATER:
Mario: ...Oh, and make sure you make the nose extra juicy with onion-flavored ice cream on top-
Elevator: No, you moron. I mean which floor would you like to go to?
Mario: Oh, okay. Sublevel 2 please.
They go down to sublevel 2.
Mario: Quick! To the door to the far right!
Koops: You have no idea what you're doing, do you?
Mario: Not one clue.
They enter and find Grodus's throne room, and run into an X-Yux.
X-Yux: Stop! I will freeze you!
He sends a laser towards them.
Mario: AAUGH!
Mario holds up a mirror so the X-Yux freezes itself.
Mario: And we have conqured another epic task.
He goes into Grodus's room and finds another Elite X-Naut.
Elite X-Naut: Stop!
Mario: Ooh! Look at the fishies! You guys are so stupid! Who's a stupid fish? You are! Yes you are!
All the Nibbles break out of the tank and for some reason attack the Elite X-Naut.
Elite X-Naut: AAAUGH!!! What do you gusy want?! Why do you hate me?! I promise we'll feed you more than once a year! AAAAAUGH!!!
Mario: Okay, I'll let you guys play. See ya!
He takes the card key and leaves.
Mario: Sweet.
He heads to the first doorway after that.
Koops: How do you know where to go?
Mario: I don't.
He reads a note.
Note: In order to get the password, translate this. Ugenoxiwvuexoiunenwfbuhfnb
Mario: Um. okay, that won't help.
Mario goes into the room on the far left.
Koops: How do you know which rooms to go in? Just tell.
Mario: Well, maybe it's because, those are the only doors!
Koops: ... Wow, I am dumb.
Mario sees it's another electricity room.
Mario: We know what this means!
Mario throws Koops just like last time.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Eventually Mario gets it again. Koops is all black and his hair has fallen off.
Koops: Well, we got the card key. And now I can't move without hurting.
Mario goes back up to sublevel 1 and goes to the right door.
Computer: Enter passcode.
Mario types in "Yo mama!"
Mario: Hehe! Classic!
Koops: That's definitely not going to-
Computer: Passcode accepted.
Koops: ...work. Wait, so that's what the note said?
Computer: No, that's just random gibberish, any password will work.
Mario: Wow. Pathetic security.
Mario heads into the room.
Thwomp: Stop! I will quiz you!
Mario: Okay.
Thwomp: Question one: What is 2x2?
Mario: Um, geez, this is a tricky one. Okay, maybe just one hint.
5,723,672,356 HINTS LATER:
Mario: Um... I'm still kinda stumped. Is it 5?
Thwomp: Close enough. Take the elevator card.
Mario: Sweet!
Mario heads to another electricity room and- You know, let's just copy and paste and get this over with!
Mario throws Koops.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Mario throws him again.
Mario: Whoops, missed.
Eventually Mario gets it but Koops is a pile of ash.
Mario: *gasp* We've lost a brave soldier today.
He takes out a GBA with a game over screen.
Mario: Why, Mega Man, why?
Mario takes out Fat Head.
Mario: Wait... We have all three card keys! Yay! Come on, let's go!
Fat Head: But we still have to-
Mario: Come on!
They teleport back to Plit.
Mario: Yeah! We got 'em!
Fat Head: ...
Mario: ...
Bill Nye the Science Guy: ...
Mario: Wait a second.
BACK AT THE X-NAUT FORTRESS:
Mario: Why didn't you tell me we needed the Crystal Star?
Fat Head: I tried to but-
Mario: Quiet!
They go to a room with three card scanners.
Mario: Okay now.
Mario puts a card in a machine.
Machine: WRONG CARD!!!
All the machines explode.
Fat Head: Great, now what?
Mario: Observe.
Mario touches the door and it falls down.
Mario: Behold, pathetic security!
Mario looks at how big the room is.
Mario: Wow. It could take a while to find the card key.
A WHILE LATER:
Mario: Yay! We found it! Come on, let's go!
Mario heads to the teleporter room.
Fat Head: Mario!
Mario: Oh, yeah. I remember now.
They head into the next room.
Crump: Buh, huh-
Mario: Just get on with it!
Crump: Okay.
He hops in a robot.
Crump: This robot is the same thing as my other one except it's black and has higher stats.
Mario: And it has drills for hands.
Crump: Really? You can use them to attack? I just use them as lemon squeezers.
He starts squeezing a lemon.
Crump: Grr... Come on... stupid... lemon... Squeeze!
TWO HOURS LATER:
Crump: Come on. squeeze!
One tiny drop lands in the glass.
Crump: See how fast and easy that was?
Mario: Wow! How did you get all that from one lemon?!
Crump: Now, fight!
RPG battle!
Mario: 65/65 HP
Fat Head: 20/20 HP
Vs.
Magnus 2.0: 70/70 HP
Mario jumps but fails the action command. 1 damage.
Fat Head uses ground pound. 0 damage.
Mario: Oh yeah, I forgot, you're useless against enemies with defense.
Magnus 2.0 uses super drill. 64 damage. Heals 1 HP.
Mario: 1/65 HP
Fat Head: 20/20 HP
Vs.
Magnus 2.0: 70/70 HP
Mario: Oh, come on! Wait, I know what
to do!
Mario takes the 7 out of Magnus 2.0's
HP.
Mario: 1/64 HP
Fat Head: 20/20 HP
Vs.
Magnus 2.0: 0/70 HP
Crump I'm not done yet!
Crump's Mom (downstairs): Crump! Help me with the dishes!
Crump: Aaw, but Mom...
Crump's mom comes up to the room everyone is in.
Crump's Mom: Stop playing with your dolls and clean the dishes.
Crump: They're not dolls, they're giant robots!
Crump's Mom: Don't you talk back to me!
Crump: Mom, you're embarrassing me!
Crump's Mom: Clean the dishes now! But first tell these nice men you're sorry.
Crump: (muttering) I'm sorry.
Crump's Mom: Louder!
Crump: I'm sorry!
Mario: You still live with your mother?
Crump: Shut up!
Magnus 2.0 explodes, sending Crump and his mom to space. The Crystal Star comes out.
Mario: Finally!
Mario grabs it.
END OF CHAPTER!
WITH PEACH:
Hey wait, there is no Peach event!
WITH BOWSER:
Bowser is walking through Poshley Heights.
Bowser: *sniff*
Kammy: What's wrong.
Nowser: This is the last Bowser event! WAAAAH!
Kammy: Aaw, do you want your baba?
Meanwhile, Lemmy is checking this submission with the real Bowser next to him.
Bowser: Hey! He made me look like an idiot! Lemmy, can you do me a favor and REJECT THIS SUBMISSION RIGHT NOW?!
Lemmy: That depends; can I have a raise in allowance?
Bowser: Uh...
BACK IN THE PARODY:
Bowser: Well, here we go!
He goes inside.
Bowser: A Crystal Star!
He takes the Crystal Star.
Pennington: That Crystal Star was a fake! Luigi took the real one!
Author's Note: Don't ask why Pennington is calling him Luigi when he didn't before in the parody.
Bowser: He did?
Luigi: I did?
A Paragoomba comes in.
Paragoomba: Mario has collected all of the Crystal Stars and is going to open The Thousand-Year Door! So what should we do in the meantime?
Bowser: I have Yahtzee.
Everyone: Ooh!
They all play Yahtzee.