Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Parody

By Super Troopa

Chapter Still Not Five: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little... uh, Moon

Mario gets his map marked and goes to Frankly.

Frankly: Hey Slick- I mean uh. dude, or whatever.

Mario: Uh, anyway-

Frankly: Oh, and just to tell you, I am definitely NOT Doopliss in disguise!

Mario: Um yeah, so now-

Frankly: I'm not Doopliss! I mean, uh... Doopliss... who?

Mario: Did you take your pills?

Mario gives Frankly his pills.

Frankly: Oh, thanks. So now what do you need?

Mario: I-

Frankly: Okay, I'll check your map!

Mario: Where-

Frankly: The Moon!

Mario: How-

Frankly: Ultra Hammer!

Mario: Where-

Frankly: Somewhere outside!

He kicks Mario out.

Mario: Now where can that Ultra Hammer be?

Vivian: Maybe that giant box that says "ULTRA HAMMER" in big, flashing letters.

Mario: Probably under the bed.

Vivian: What bed?

Mario: At the inn.

Vivian: You are such an idiot.

Vivian looks in the box.

Vivian: There's nothing in here!

Mario looks under the bed and finds the Ultra Hammer.

Mario: Found it!

A dotted screen appears with Toadette.

Toadette: Congratulations! You got the Ultra Hammer! You need to do a new technique. It's hard, but you have to wind up and spin around with your hammer!

Mario: But... that's the same move as the last hammer upgrade.

Toadette: Yep!

Mario: That wasn't a question.

Toadette: Yep! And this is the last time I'll be seeing you.

Mario: Really? YES!!!

Toadette: Yeah, sad, isn't it? Oh well.

Toadette explodes.

Mario: Well, back to Frankly's.

Mario returns to Frankly.

Mario: I got the Ultra Hammer!

Frankly: Great, now head down a pipe under the west side of town and ask the Bob-ombs if you can use their cannon. If they say no then put a paper bag over your head while the world is being destroyed.

Mario: Got it.

Mario goes to the west side of town and uses his hammer to go down the pipe to...

Mario: Alaska! We're in Alaska!

Fat Head: What the-

Mario: You again?

Bobbery: Huh?

Mario: Oh come on!

Bobbery: We made s'mores. Want one?

Mario: Sure.

He hands him a s'more.

Mario: Hey! This is burnt! Why you little @#$^*!!!

He throws Bobbery down a hill and Fat Head hops in his pocket.

Mario: Come on, Vivian, let's go... Vivian?

Mario looks back to see that Vivian is a block of ice.

Mario: Well, as long as I can get her to safety, she'll be fine.

Mario accidentally drops Vivian down a huge hill and she shatters to pieces.

Mario: 0__0  Uh oh.

Mario switches to Koops.

Mario: Okay, let's go.

They run into an ice puff.

Ice Puff: You will not pass!

Mario: Ooh, a floating marshmallow!

Mario is about to put him in his mouth.

Ice Puff: Hey, wait. What are you doing? AAAAUGH!!!

Mario eats him.

Mario: Well, off to Fahr Outpost!

Mario keeps walking, and walking, and walking, and walking.

Mario: Wait, hold on, Alaska's on Earth! Oh, wait. I got it!

Mario uses the Return Pipe and ends up in Flipside.

Mario: Where am I?

Merlon: Hey, you're not supposed to be here!

Mario: Right.

Mario heads through the door to Fahr Outpost.

Koops: I'm not sure it works that way.

The door disappears behind him.

Mario: NO!!! I'm trapped here forever!

Mario walks to the mayor.

Mayor: Lovely day, isn't it?

Mario: Yeah, now where's the cannon?

Mayor: Not telling you- I mean uh, we don't have one- I mean uh, cannon? What's a cannon- No I- GAAAAAAH!!!

Mario: ...

Mayor: Okay, I admit it! The cannon's here but we're not letting you use it!

Mario: Oh well.

Mario puts a paper bag over his head.

Koops: Mario! How can you just give up like that?!

Mario: You're just jealous because you don't have a paper bag.

Mayor: Hmm. Fine, I'll let you use it, but under two conditions.

Mario: What?

Mayor: First you need to get permission from Goldbob and General White. Second, give me the paper bag.

Mario: You mean Baggie? But I...

Mayor: Well...?

Mario: Eh, you can have it. I don't care about it anymore.

Koops: I remember Goldbob being in Poshley Heights.

Mario: Well then... to Poshley Heights!

AT POSHLEY HEIGHTS:

Mario walks to Goldbob.

Mario: Yeah, I was just wondering if I can have permission to use your cannon.

Golbob: No! I don't want any of your Girl Scout cookies!

Mario: Girl Scout cookies?

Goldbob: Go away!

Some Girl Scouts come by.

Girl Scout: Hello, would you like some cookies?

Goldbob: Sure you can have permission to use my cannon!

He holds out some kind of certificate and Mario snatches it from him.

Mario: Well that was easy. Now what?

Koops: Well, I saw General White in Petalburg.

Mario: ... Where?

Koops Oh yeah, I forgot. You skipped it.

Mario: Well then... to Petalburger!

Koops: Um... It's Petalburg, not Petalburger.

Mario: Oh, sorry, I'm just hungry.

AT PETALBURG:

I'm typing with my toes!

Mario: Okay. That was random.

Koops: I want to type with my toes too!

Okay.

Koops: Hedr cyhtg bghisa i9wse frunjh!

Mario: ... Wow, you stink.

Hammer Brother: My turn to type with my hammer.

Mario: Okay, go ahead.

Hammer Brother: yhuwe4y67tkl ytiouyp[trwer 8uifymnyhuj56yhl klm nnuygu8weq vb89weqvb tr87jh!

Mario: Woah, you stink even worse.

Stop it, stop it, okay?!

Mario: Fine.

Koops walks up to his family.

Koops: Hey wait, didn't you get eaten by Hooktail?

Koopley: What? Who's Hooktail? Who are you? Get out of my house!

Koops: Okay, number one, I'm your son, and number two, I'm not in your house.

Koopley: Go away!

Mario: So uh... Where is he?

Koops: I don't know. Let's ask the mayor.

They go to Mayor Kroop's house.

Kroop: General White? Yeah, he went to uh, Creeky Key.

Mario: I didn't even ask anything, but oh well. To Keelhaul Key!

At Keelhaul Key:

Mario: Now where is he?

Koops: Ooh, look at those berries! Are they poisonous?

Koops eats one.

Koops: Yep, they're poisonous all right!

Koops drops dead but gets revived by a Life Shroom.

Mario: Enough fooling around!

Koops: (about to eat some poison ivy) Okay.

Mario walks up to Pa-Patch.

Pa-Patch: General White, yeah, he said he's in an arena.

Mario: I didn't ask anything that time either! Well, I guess we go to the fatty sumo wrestling arena.

AT THE FATTY SUMO WRESTLING ARENA:

Mario: Yay! Look at those fat guys sumo wrestle!

Koops: Um, I'm pretty sure he meant Glitzville.

Mario: Aaw, but I like it here. Well then, to Glitzville!

AT GLITZVILLE:

Mario: Um... Now what?

Hoggle: Get your hotdogs here!

Mario: I've got it! One hotdog please!

Hoggle hands him a hotdog.

Mario: Now, hotdog, where's General White?

Koops: Um, I don't think he can talk.

Mario: Not talking, eh?

Koops: Mario.

Mario: Then take this!

Mario punches it.

Koops: Mario.

Mario: Now die!

He stomps it to death.

Koops: MARIO!!!

Mario: Yeah?

Koops: How about we just ask the bartender?

Mario: That was my idea!

Koops: No it wasn't.

Mario walks to the bartender.

Bartender: General White? Yeah, he went to some kind of tree.

Mario: How come people always answer questions I never ask?!

AT THE GREAT TREE:

Mario: Well, here we are.

Random Toad: I like to stand here everyday just watching nature develop.

Mario: ... Get a life.

Mario goes inside.

Mario: Hey look, bubbles!

Koops: Yeah, I like bubbles.

Mario: You know they make colored bubbles.

Koops: No, really?

Mario: Yeah. Heym where do these bubbles come from, anyway?

Koopa: I don't know, that's a good question.

Puni: General White? Yeah, he went to somewhere dark.

Mario: Hey, you interrupted our conversation!

AT TWILIGHT TOWN:

Mario: How do we get to these places anyway?

Koops: I don't know, the author just cuts away.

Mario: Well, I hope this won't have the same pattern.

Bucdifavudihoiwu: What can I do for you?

Mario: Hey, you're that guy I named three chapters ago!

Bucdifavudihoiwu: Don't remind me.

Mario: Hey wait, you didn't tell me the answer to my question when I didn't even ask!

Bucdifavudihoiwu: General White? He passed by a little while ago.

Mario: AAAARGH! Well then, where did he go?

Bucdifavudihoiwu: Don't ask me, I have no clue. He was just tired, though.

Mario: Well, since we're doomed now, let's tell the mayor of Fahr Outpost that we can't find him and hopefully get my paper bag back.

AT FAHR OUTPOST:

Mario: Well, we can't find General White.

Mayor: Oh, then I guess we can't fire the cannon.

General White comes out of his house.

General White: Ooh, look, the mustached man.

Mayor: *looks at General White* Hi General White! *looks back at Mario* Well, I guess if you can't find him the world will end.

Mario: Can I have my bag back?

Mayor: No!

Mario: You're mean!

Mario walks into a house.

Koops: What are you doing?

Mario: Well, if the world's gonna end then I decided I want to spend my last minutes robbing someone's house. Hey, there's a lump on the bed.

Koops: Wait, that's General White!

Mario: Oh, well let's wake him up.

Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.

Mario: Again.

Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.

Mario: Again.

Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.

Mario: Again.

Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.

Mario: Again.

Mario jumps on him. Nothing happens.

MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS LATER:

Mario: Oh, I give up!

General White: Huh? Who? Where?

Mario: Oh, thank DAD you're awake!

General White: Zzzzzzzz!

Mario: GENERAL WHITE!!!

General White: Huh, what?

Mario: We need to use the cannon.

General: Oh, okay. I only use it to launch watermelons at people on Earth.

Mario goes- Ow! I got hit by a watermelon! Mario goes to the first area of Fahr Outpost.

Mayor: Wait here.

General White goes inside an igloo.

General White: Now open the hatch.

A small hatch opens and Mario and Koops fall in.

Mario: AAAUGH!!!

General White: Open the outer hatch, open the inner hatch, release the cannon.

All that stuff happens.

Mario: It's dark in here.

General White: Set the coordinates!

Bob-omb: We already did that.

Mario: Ow! I sat on a tack.

General White: Should we begin the countdown?

Bob-omb: No, we have to put the Bob-ombs in.

A bunch of Bob-ombs hop in.

Mario: I think I stepped in gum.

General White: Fire in 1,000, 999, 998-

Bob-omb: Just press the button.

He presses the fire button.

Mario: When's this thing gonna fi-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!

They launch into space.

General White: Good luck, Mario.

... But the wind changes and they fly way off somewhere.

General White: Um.

General White walks away innocently. Meanwhile, Mario and Koops bounce off a meteor and land on the moon.

Mario: Woot! Let's do it again.

Koops: Wow, we're on the moon!

Mario: No, duh.

Koops: Hey, watch this.

He does a bunch of flips and turns in the air and lands on his feet.

Mario: Oh yeah? Well watch this!

Mario starts walking.

Koops: That's just walking.

Mario: Well I'm walking on the moon!

Michael Jackson: Do the Moonwalk!

Mario: Well, don't just sit here, let's explore!

Dora: Okay, guys!

Mario: What are you doing here?

Map: I'm the map, I'm the map!

Mario: Oh, come on!

Map: First we go to the huge moon rock, then the big crater, and then the X-Naut Fortress!

Mario: It's the same thing every episode!

Koops: You watch that show?

Mario: Uh... no.

Dora: (singing) Come on, everybody. Moon rock, crater, X-Naut Fortress!

Michael Jackson: Do the Moonwalk!

Mario: AAAAAAAARGH!!!

They find a moon rock.

Dora: How will we get across?

Mario: Seriously, how long will you guys be following me?

Backpack: How should Dora get across?

Mario: Maybe we can just walk around it!

Dora: Good idea!

They walk around it and a band of snails plays a victory tune.

Mario: Oh, dear DAD!

They come to a crater.

Dora: How should we cross this?

Mario: ... Walk around it again.

Dora: Right!

Mario: *sigh*

The same thing happens.

Mario: Just keep going.

TWO HOURS LATER:

Dora: Moon rock, crater, X-Naut Fortress!

Michael Jackson: Do the Moonwalk!

Mario: This is completely the worst day ever.

Spongebob: It's the best day ever!

Mario: AAAARGH!!! We've been going in circles, and you guys won't shut up! How do we get there?!

Bobbery suddenly flies to the moon, blows up a rock covering a warp pipe, and flies back to Plit.

Mario: ... Okay. Well, we can go in now

They go to the X-Naut Fortress.

Dora: Yay! We did it! We did it-

Mario: No we didn't! We still have to get to the Crystal Star and everything else! Now leave me alone!

Mario and Koops walk into the Fortress.

Dora: Well fine then!

Michael Jackson: Geez!

Dora: Hey, where's Boots?!

Spongeebob burps and a boot comes out of his mouth.

Spongebob: What...? I was hungry and...

Michael Jackson: This could be bad.

WITH MARIO:

Mario: Well, they're gone now.

Two Elite X-Nauts come in.

Elite X-Naut 1: It's Mario! Let's beat him up!

Elite X-Naut 2: But Crump said to report it to him!

Elite X-Naut 1: Who cares?

Elite X-Naut 2: I do, and I'm not attacking!

Elite X-Naut 1: Okay... sissy.

Elite X-Naut 2: Nobody calls me sissy!

They get into a fight with each other.

Mario: Um, let's just leave.

They run to the next room.

Elite X-Naut 1: Great! You let him escape.

Elite X-Naut 2: No, you did!

Elite X-Naut 1: No, you did!

Elite X-Naut 2: No, you did!

WITH MARIO:

Mario: Okay, that was weird.

They enter a room with an electric floor.

Koops: I think you have to memorize the path and walk on it.

Mario: Well I have a better idea!

Mario throws Koops.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Eventually Mario gets it. By then Koops has his hair sticking up and is partly gray.

Koops: *cough* Why me? At least I got an elevator key.

They go into the elevator.

Elevator: What is your command?

Mario: Um, yeah. I'll have two double cheeseburgers, hold the pickles, extra pickles, one burger brown, the other one yellow.

TWO HOURS LATER:

Mario: ...Oh, and make sure you make the nose extra juicy with onion-flavored ice cream on top-

Elevator: No, you moron. I mean which floor would you like to go to?

Mario: Oh, okay. Sublevel 2 please.

They go down to sublevel 2.

Mario: Quick! To the door to the far right!

Koops: You have no idea what you're doing, do you?

Mario: Not one clue.

They enter and find Grodus's throne room, and run into an X-Yux.

X-Yux: Stop! I will freeze you!

He sends a laser towards them.

Mario: AAUGH!

Mario holds up a mirror so the X-Yux freezes itself.

Mario: And we have conqured another epic task.

He goes into Grodus's room and finds another Elite X-Naut.

Elite X-Naut: Stop!

Mario: Ooh! Look at the fishies! You guys are so stupid! Who's a stupid fish? You are! Yes you are!

All the Nibbles break out of the tank and for some reason attack the Elite X-Naut.

Elite X-Naut: AAAUGH!!! What do you gusy want?! Why do you hate me?! I promise we'll feed you more than once a year! AAAAAUGH!!!

Mario: Okay, I'll let you guys play. See ya!

He takes the card key and leaves.

Mario: Sweet.

He heads to the first doorway after that.

Koops: How do you know where to go?

Mario: I don't.

He reads a note.

Note: In order to get the password, translate this. Ugenoxiwvuexoiunenwfbuhfnb

Mario: Um. okay, that won't help.

Mario goes into the room on the far left.

Koops: How do you know which rooms to go in? Just tell.

Mario: Well, maybe it's because, those are the only doors!

Koops: ... Wow, I am dumb.

Mario sees it's another electricity room.

Mario: We know what this means!

Mario throws Koops just like last time.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Eventually Mario gets it again. Koops is all black and his hair has fallen off.

Koops: Well, we got the card key. And now I can't move without hurting.

Mario goes back up to sublevel 1 and goes to the right door.

Computer: Enter passcode.

Mario types in "Yo mama!"

Mario: Hehe! Classic!

Koops: That's definitely not going to-

Computer: Passcode accepted.

Koops: ...work. Wait, so that's what the note said?

Computer: No, that's just random gibberish, any password will work.

Mario: Wow. Pathetic security.

Mario heads into the room.

Thwomp: Stop! I will quiz you!

Mario: Okay.

Thwomp: Question one: What is 2x2?

Mario: Um, geez, this is a tricky one. Okay, maybe just one hint.

5,723,672,356 HINTS LATER:

Mario: Um... I'm still kinda stumped. Is it 5?

Thwomp: Close enough. Take the elevator card.

Mario: Sweet!

Mario heads to another electricity room and- You know, let's just copy and paste and get this over with!

Mario throws Koops.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Mario throws him again.

Mario: Whoops, missed.

Eventually Mario gets it but Koops is a pile of ash.

Mario: *gasp* We've lost a brave soldier today.

He takes out a GBA with a game over screen.

Mario: Why, Mega Man, why?

Mario takes out Fat Head.

Mario: Wait... We have all three card keys! Yay! Come on, let's go!

Fat Head: But we still have to-

Mario: Come on!

They teleport back to Plit.

Mario: Yeah! We got 'em!

Fat Head: ...

Mario: ...

Bill Nye the Science Guy: ...

Mario: Wait a second.

BACK AT THE X-NAUT FORTRESS:

Mario: Why didn't you tell me we needed the Crystal Star?

Fat Head: I tried to but-

Mario: Quiet!

They go to a room with three card scanners.

Mario: Okay now.

Mario puts a card in a machine.

Machine: WRONG CARD!!!

All the machines explode.

Fat Head: Great, now what?

Mario: Observe.

Mario touches the door and it falls down.

Mario: Behold, pathetic security!

Mario looks at how big the room is.

Mario: Wow. It could take a while to find the card key.

A WHILE LATER:

Mario: Yay! We found it! Come on, let's go!

Mario heads to the teleporter room.

Fat Head: Mario!

Mario: Oh, yeah. I remember now.

They head into the next room.

Crump: Buh, huh-

Mario: Just get on with it!

Crump: Okay.

He hops in a robot.

Crump: This robot is the same thing as my other one except it's black and has higher stats.

Mario: And it has drills for hands.

Crump: Really? You can use them to attack? I just use them as lemon squeezers.

He starts squeezing a lemon.

Crump: Grr... Come on... stupid... lemon... Squeeze!

TWO HOURS LATER:

Crump: Come on. squeeze!

One tiny drop lands in the glass.

Crump: See how fast and easy that was?

Mario: Wow! How did you get all that from one lemon?!

Crump: Now, fight!

RPG battle!

Mario: 65/65 HP
Fat Head: 20/20 HP
Vs.
Magnus 2.0: 70/70 HP

Mario jumps but fails the action command. 1 damage.

Fat Head uses ground pound. 0 damage.

Mario: Oh yeah, I forgot, you're useless against enemies with defense.

Magnus 2.0 uses super drill. 64 damage. Heals 1 HP.

Mario: 1/65 HP
Fat Head: 20/20 HP
Vs.
Magnus 2.0: 70/70 HP

Mario: Oh, come on! Wait, I know what to do!
Mario takes the 7 out of Magnus 2.0's HP.

Mario: 1/64 HP
Fat Head: 20/20 HP
Vs.
Magnus 2.0: 0/70 HP

Crump I'm not done yet!

Crump's Mom (downstairs): Crump! Help me with the dishes!

Crump: Aaw, but Mom...

Crump's mom comes up to the room everyone is in.

Crump's Mom: Stop playing with your dolls and clean the dishes.

Crump: They're not dolls, they're giant robots!

Crump's Mom: Don't you talk back to me!

Crump: Mom, you're embarrassing me!

Crump's Mom: Clean the dishes now! But first tell these nice men you're sorry.

Crump: (muttering) I'm sorry.

Crump's Mom: Louder!

Crump: I'm sorry!

Mario: You still live with your mother?

Crump: Shut up!

Magnus 2.0 explodes, sending Crump and his mom to space. The Crystal Star comes out.

Mario: Finally!

Mario grabs it.

END OF CHAPTER!

WITH PEACH:

Hey wait, there is no Peach event!

WITH BOWSER:

Bowser is walking through Poshley Heights.

Bowser: *sniff*

Kammy: What's wrong.

Nowser: This is the last Bowser event! WAAAAH!

Kammy: Aaw, do you want your baba?

Meanwhile, Lemmy is checking this submission with the real Bowser next to him.

Bowser: Hey! He made me look like an idiot! Lemmy, can you do me a favor and REJECT THIS SUBMISSION RIGHT NOW?!

Lemmy: That depends; can I have a raise in allowance?

Bowser: Uh...

BACK IN THE PARODY:

Bowser: Well, here we go!

He goes inside.

Bowser: A Crystal Star!

He takes the Crystal Star.

Pennington: That Crystal Star was a fake! Luigi took the real one!

Author's Note: Don't ask why Pennington is calling him Luigi when he didn't before in the parody.

Bowser: He did?

Luigi: I did?

A Paragoomba comes in.

Paragoomba: Mario has collected all of the Crystal Stars and is going to open The Thousand-Year Door! So what should we do in the meantime?

Bowser: I have Yahtzee.

Everyone: Ooh!

They all play Yahtzee.

Read on!


 
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