Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Parody

By Super Troopa

Little Lemmy's Land Qualifier

September 1, 2007

Prologue: The Chaos Begins... and Never Ends

One time Peach takes a random vacation to Rogueport, a place she never heard of but went to anyway.

Peach: WHEE! What am I doing here? Ooh look, random guy!

She walks up to a merchant for absolutely no reason at all.

Merchant: Hello. Today, we have a special, one-coin offer. Each of these things are only one coin, and you can only get one. You can choose from... this mansion, this huge pile of gold, all these servants willing to uh, serve you, this machine that can make anything, or this dusty, old box that I can't even open.

Peach: Uh, I'll take the box.

Merchant: That decision is about as smart as I am.

Peach: Hmm, what's 2+2?

Merchant: Q.

Peach: Works for me. So you can't open this, huh?

She touches the box and it instantly bursts open and bright lights come out.

Peach: AAH! I'm blind!


Luigi: Hey Mario, we got a letter from Princess Peach.

Mario: YAY!

Mario grabs the letter and starts randomly dancing.

Mario: We just got a letter! We just got a letter! We just got a letter! I wonder who it's from!

Luigi: First of all, I just said it was from Peach, and second of all, if you dare imitate Blue's Clues one more time then let's say if King Boo captures you and forces me to go through a haunted mansion that I won in a contest that I didn't even enter to save you from being trapped inside a portrait for all eternity, then I wouldn't.

Then, right on cue, King Boo captures Mario and Luigi's Mansion happens.


Luigi: So are we going to read it or what?

Mario: What.

Luigi: I said are we going to read it or what?

Mario: No, I mean, let's do what.

Luigi: What?

Mario: Just shut up.


Luigi transforms into the Incredible Hulk and pounds the ground, which sends both of them flying through the air, and then they land on a boat.

Luigi: Might as well read it now.

Mario: Okay.

Dear Mario,

I have gone to a random place called Rogueport for a vacation, where a merchant sold me a dusty, old box for one coin. I found something cool in it! Well, technically, it's just a map of the area, but I'm stupid enough to think it's a treasure map. So, let's hunt for non-existent treasure!

Princess Peach

PS. Not you, Luigi.
PPS. This will probably be a waste of your time.
PPPS. I like pie.

Luigi: Oh well.

Luigi walks up to the guy who's driving the boat.

Luigi: Hey, Mister Boat Driving Guy, can you sail this ship to Rogueport?

Boat Man: Well, boys, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I can't change the ship's direction, and the good news is, you're actually on a ship to Rogueport right now. Oh, and I have some more good news. I am *begins to sing the Batman tune* Denenenenenenene! Denenenenenenene! Boat Man! Boat Man! Denenenenenenene! Denenenenenenene! Boat Man! Boat Man!

He keeps singing until a few hours later, when he gets drunk for no reason and crashes into the dock of Rogueport.

Boat Man: Wheee!

He jumps into the water and drowns because I don't like him.

Luigi: Bye, Mario.

Luigi leaves Rogueport somehow.

Mario: Here we go!

Meanwhile, a weird alien guy called Lord Crump is asking a female Goomba called Goombella some questions.

Lord Crump: Tell me where the crystal thingies are!

Goombella: No!

Lord Crump: Oh, then can I have a cookie?

Goombella: No!

Lord Crump: Waaah!

He sees Mario.

Lord Crump: You. I don't know who you are, but let's fight!

Mario pokes him.

Lord Crump: Nooo! How did you know my weakness?

Mario: What? Poking?

Lord Crump: Waaah! Now everyone will know!

Lord Crump runs away.

Mario: Okay.

Goombella: Baby... Well, I guess I join your party now.

Goombella has joined your party!

Mario: What the, who said that?

A dotted screen appears.

Mario: What's going on?

Goombella can tell you where you are.

Goombella: We're in a place.

But she's not much of a help because she has serious mental problems.

Mario: Okay, this is freaking me out now.

She can tell you about people, but she's still useless.

Mario: Oh, forget this.

Mario jumps out of the TV and burns the instructor guy.

Instructor Guy: Aaah!

The screen is back to normal.

Goombella: Let's go see Frankly.

Mario: Who's Frankly?

Goombella: I don't know, but let's see him.

They try to find Frankly, but first they run into an old woman who lost her contacts, a store selling items, a Mushroomer on the computer, and a lady in the shower.

Mario: That was disturbing.

Goombella: Hey look, Frankly's!

Mario: Cool.

They enter.

Goombella: Frankly, we need to know about the Thousand-Year Door.

Mario: What's a Thousand-Year Door?

Goombella: I don't know.

Frankly: Well, good morning, boys.

Goombella: I'm a girl.

Frankly looks at Mario.

Frankly: Yes, and you look very beautiful today.

Mario: Um, this is kinda weird. Just tell us what we need to do.

Frankly: Well before we open the Thousand-Year Door, you have to collect the Crystal Stars.

Mario: How many Crystal Stars?

Frankly: Let me show you.

Weird counting voice coming from nowhere: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7!

Frankly: Seven, seven Crystal Stars.

Mario: This story is really starting to annoy me.

Another random guy with a really long name: You're telling me.

Frankly: So you go while I randomly sing to myself. Denenenenenenene! Denenenenenenene! Frankly! Frankly! Denenenenenenene! Denenenenenenene!

Frankly! Frankly!

Mario: *gasp* I know who you are.

Frankly: Grr!

Frankly takes off his mask and reveals himself to be Boat Man.

Boat Man: How did you know?

Mario: Because you're a moron.

Boat Man: Oh, that makes sense. So we must go to the underground.

Mario: Why?

Boat Man: I don't know.

Boat Man leads them outside and chops the gate down with a bunch of kung-fu moves he didn't even know he knew.

Boat Man: Now, we take the pipe to the underground.

There are about a thousand pipes lined around the area.

Mario: Which pipe is it?

Boat Man: Hmm... That one.

He points to a pipe that has huge, blinking lights that say "PIPE TO UNDERGROUND".

Mario: How can you tell?

Boat Man: Eh, lucky guess.

They go down and meet a Paragoomba who happens to see Goombella.

Paragoomba: Hey! Wanna go out with me, babe?

Goombella: Never!


He rams into Goombella, but she sidesteps, sending him flying into the wall.

Paragoomba: Ok, fine then. Goombas, unite!

A billion Goombas surround them.

Mario: That doesn't scare me.

The Goombas unite to make Bowser.

Mario: That neither.

A billion Bowsers appear.

Mario: Okay, that, I'm afraid of. RRRRRUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

They enter the pipe and run into a Spinia.

Spinia: Hi.

Mario: Bye.

They start walking away.

Spinia: DIE!

The Spinia transforms into a huge monster but trips over itself.

Mario: Let's just go.

They continue until they reach a wall with no way of getting up top.

Mario: No stairs? That makes Mario angry!  >:(

He hammers the switch to his left for no reason, and stairs appear.

Mario: Cool! Fuss does pay!

They go up and see a black chest.

Chest: Let me out.

Mario: Why should I?

Chest: Because if you do I'll give you a cookie.


In 0.0000001 seconds he gets the key and is back at the chest.

Chest: Great, now open the box.

Mario: NO! Cookie first.

Chest: Actually, the cookie is in the chest.


He opens the chest and a mysterious figure inherits the screen.

Figure: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS! Now I will lay a curse on you that is really an upgrade but I'm stupid enough to think that it's a curse! Now you may be a plane and fly whenever you want.

Mario: Uum, oh no?


He vanishes.

Boat Man: Can we go now?

They fly to the Thousand-Year Door.

Mario: Cool, we're in the Thousand-Year Door!

Hey! Don't repeat what I say! Anyway, they try to open it but it's locked.

Mario: Aaw man, it's locked.

Hey! What did I tell you?

Mario: That mashed potatoes before breakfast causes indigestion?


Mario: Oh. Hey look, pretty pedestal! Let's jump on it for no reason!

He jumps on it and the door opens.

Mario: Cool!

He walks to it but it shuts immediately.

Door: Stop! Who goes there?

Mario: Hi, I'm Mario, this is Goombella, and this is a guy who has no importance to the story at all.

Door: Well I will only open when you find the Crystal Stars.

Mario: Where are they?

Door: Not telling.


Mario starts running all over the floor and the walls.

Door: Okay okay, I'll tell you where they are using, magic powers, or this marker.

He makes a marker levitate and scribbles a place on the map. Mario then eats the marker.

Door: What the...

Mario: Oh, sorry, I thought it was pasta.

Door: How could you mistake a marker for pasta?

Mario: Well you know, everyone makes mistakes.

Door: Just shut up.


Gombella: Aaah, a running gag!

Gag: I'm gonna catch you.

Door: Oh, for the love of...

They are all sent to Boat Man 's house in a flash.

Boat Man: Okay. Anyway, why are you here? Is it because of a princess?

Mario: Yes! How did you know?

Boat Man: I didn't, I just guessed. And you haven't seen her yet?

Mario: Yes!

Boat Man: I guessed that, too. Is her name Peach?

Mario: Yes. Did you guess that?

Boat Man: No. That I heard about. Well anyway, our next destination is Petal Medows.

Mario: Where is that?

Boat Man: Candy Land.

Mario: Really?

Boat Man: No.

Mario: Aaaaw.

They go underground, leaving Boat Man at home, but this time they go all the way to the right and fly to a room with a tentacle sticking out of the water.

Goombella: Hey, a tentacle! Let's whack it!

Mario: No, it's a living thing.

Goombella: I'll give you a cookie.

Mario: Okay.

He smashes the tentacle.

Blooper (in water): OW! Who goes there?

Mario: Hi, I'm Mario, this is Goombella, and-

Goombella: Stop it with the introductions.

The Blooper rises out of the water but rises too high, hits his head, and becomes mentally retarded.

Blooper: Mommy, can I have a new potadobaser? Mine broke due to diabetes and stupidity.

Goombella: Let's try not to fall in the water, okay?

By then, Mario is already diving in the water, only to be saved by two floating platforms that just rose up to the surface.

Goombella: Whew, close one. Now let's go down the pipe at the end of the platforms.

By then, Mario is already going down the pipe to Petal Meadows.

Goombella: I've got to learn to catch up.

She follows Mario into the warp pipe.

Chapter 1: Castles, and Dragons, and Morons, Oh My

Mario and Goombella end up in the peaceful-looking Petal Meadows.

Mario: Wow, cool place.

A huge dragon flies above them.

Mario: Hey, a dragon flying peacefully through the breeze without a care. Let's kill it!

Mrio starts throwing hammers and chainsaws at it, but they all miss.

Mario: Dang it! Missed! Wait, there's still a chance.

Mario takes out a Bob-omb, winds up his best toss, and throws it, but it just lands pathetically right in front of him.

Goombella: Your aim stinks.

Mario: Shut up.


Mario: Ow!

Goombella: Well I guess we should go stop Hooktail.

Mario: Hooktail?

Goombella: I think the dragon's name is Hooktail, and he holds the first Crystal Star.

Mario: Ha! What are you gonna tell me next, that he terrorizes the residents of a Koopa town called Petalburg?

Goombella: Um... Let's just put it this way. First one to the end of the area gets a cookie.

Mario: YAY!

Mario dashes at light speed to Shhwonk Fortress.

Goombella: Let's just go in.

They go in, but they meet a Thwomp.

Thwomp: To get past, you must answer a quiz.

Mario: Okay.

Thwomp: Excellent!

The whole area turns into a gameshow place.

Thwomp: Question one. What is 2+2? 4, 18, or Justin Timberlake?

Mario: Uum, can I have a hint?

Thwomp: Hint one: it is not 18.

Mario: Another?

Thwomp: Hint two: it is not Justin Timberlake.

Mario: One last hint?

Thwomp: Hint three: it is 4.

Mario: Hhm.

Thwomp: Oh, for crying out loud, it's 4!

Mario: Yeah, I know, I heard that hint, but-

Thwomp: Oh forget this. Just pass! Why do I have to run into idiots all the time?

Mario: Because the author is mentally challenged.

Thwomp: 0__o

Mario: I'm just gonna go down the pipe.

They go down the pipe and end up underground.

Goombella: I think we have to defeat all the Fuzzies and get the Sun and Moon Stones.

Mario: Does this mean we get to kill?

Goombella: Yep.


In 0.0000001 seconds, Mario defeats all the Fuzzies and gets the Sun and Moon Stones.

Goombella: How do you do that?

Mario: When in a rush, sugar is your best friend.

Mario looks at the Moon Stone he just got.

Mario: Yay! a croissant!

Mario eats the Moon Stone and blows up. The Moon Stone is okay, though, and Mario gets revived because he has a 1-Up. Then a Gold Fuzzy approaches.

Gold Fuzzy: You! I don't know who you are and what you're doing here, but I challenge you to a contest. And I'm not telling you what kind.

Mario stares at him.

Gold Fuzzy: Nooooo! How did you know?

He blows up and Mario and Goombella go back to the first area of Petal Meadows for no reason. Then a Koopa with a bandaid on his face and a blue, short-sleeved hoodie comes by.

Koopa: Hi, I'm Koops, and can I join your party for some reason?

Mario: We have a party? Woot! Let's party 'til dawn!

Koops: It is dawn.

Mario: Oh, well in that case the party's over.

Koops has joined your party!

Mario: What? I thought I killed you?

Ha! You can't kill me!

Mario: Why you little...

Oh, I'm big. Well anyway... You can throw Koops's shell, but he's still useless. Well, I have to go before he burns me again.

Koops: Weird. Hey look, this is where the Sun and Moon Stones go.

He puts the Sun Stone in the correct rock. Meanwhile with Mario...

Mario: Mamamia, this rock has a hole in its stomach! It must be really hungry! Here you go.

Mario puts the "Croissant" in the hole in the rock. That makes two switches appear.

Koops: Okay, now we have to hit these switches at the same time.

Mario tries his sugar rush tactic, but it doesn't work. He throws Koops's shell and hits one switch with his hammer at the same time that his shell hits the other, but it still doesn't work.

Mario: Oh, forget this!

Mario hammers the rock in the middle for no reason, and it reveals a pipe.

Mario: Yay.

They go down the pipe and end up in the background.

Mario: Yay! We're 2D!

Koops: We were already 2D.

Mario: NO! Curse you, cruel world!

Mario kills himself but gets revived because he has a 1-Up.

Koops: Okay, let's just go in.

They enter the castle and encounter a broken bridge.

Koops: Dang! How do we cross this?

By then, Mario is already over the bridge and heading in the castle.

Koops: Wait up!

They go inside and find Gandhi.

Gandhi: Stop. I see you are fat, so I challenge you to a hotdog-eating contest.

Mario: Fat?! HOW DARE YOU?!

Mario takes out a shotgun.

Mario: Kids, don't try this at home. Unless your mom won't give you a cookie.

Mario's Mom: No cookies for you.

Mario: Yay, more targets!

Note: This next part is censored because I am too lazy to write what will happen next.

Flavio: I thought you were typing this.

Um, look, a penny.

Flavio: Where?

I don't know.

Flavio: Yay! Gettie penny. Gettie penny.

Anyway, they continue to advance further until they are in a room with jail cells all around it. Koops sees the skeleton of a Koopa.

Koops: NOOOOOO, Dad!

Mario: Your dad died?

Koops: No, I was just being dramatic.

Mario: Hey look, a letter is attached to it.

Mario reads the letter.

Dear whoever bothered to read this,

I have tried to beat Hooktail but he beat me and I am going to die. He is weak to things that begin with "cr" and end with "icket". But I am too stupid to figure it out so do it for me. Oh, and do my chores, pay my bills, feed my kid, and do anything else I was too lazy to do. Oh yeah, and tell my son, Kolorado, I said hi.

This random guy

Mario: Kolorado?

Kolorado comes in.


His head explodes.

Mario: Let's just move on.

They encounter a Red Bones.

Red Bones: Die!

He summons a thousand Dull Bones.

Koops: Aah! Mario, kill them.

Mario: No.

Koops: If you do I'll give you a-

Mario: Stop! I know what you're gonna say so I'll do it!

Mario kills all the Bones, and then...


Mario: 15/15 HP
Koops: 10/10 HP
Red Bones: 5/5 HP
Dull Bones: 1/1 HP each

Mario uses Hammer on Red Bones. 1 damage.

Koops uses Shell Slam on Dull Bones. 1 damage each. All knocked out.

Red Bones uses Bone Toss on Mario. 8 damage.
Mario: OW!

Mario: 7/15 HP
Koops: 10/10 HP
Red Bones: 4/5 HP
Dull Bones: 0/1 HP each, knocked out

Mario uses Stare on Red Bones. 3 damage.
Red Bones: WHAT?!

Koops uses "Aw, Forget This!" on Red Bones. 1 damage. Red Bones is knocked out. Mario and Koops win.

They advance to a room with two jail cells at the end. Mario walks up to the last one.

Mario: Hmm.

He throws Koops's shell at the switch and walks in when the cell opens. When inside, they see another black chest.

Chest: Hey, get the key and let me out.

Mario: Okay, but if I do will you promise you won't curse me?

Chest: No.

Mario: And will you promise you won't try to takeover the world or send dozens of troopers to try to kill me?

Chest: No and no.

Mario: And will you promise you won't try to trap me when I get the key?

Chest: No.

Mario: Works for me.

They go in the next room, where they grab the key and spikes start lowering from the ceiling.

Mario: Aah! He said he wouldn't trap us!

Koops: What are you talking about? He said no!

Mario: Wait! I have an idea.

He takes out his hammer and hammers down all the spikes and gets back to the room with the chest.

Mario: I wonder if the spikes are down yet.

Mario re-enters the room and gets squished, but gets revived because he has a 1-Up. Mario then opens the chest.

Chest Guy: Mwuhahahahahahahahah. Now I will curse you to become paper thin, and reveal my true form.

He reveals his true form.

Fred Fredburger: Fred Fredburger!

Fred Fredburger has joined your party. He can say his name over and over again to annoy enemies and do 500 bazillion damage to anyone within 40 feet. Anyway, they get blown up to the place where they meet Ms. Mowz.

Ms. Mowz: Hi there, I came by this castle because I heard there was pie.

Mario: Who would put pie in their castle?

Ms. Mowz: Who wouldn't?!

Mario: Good point.

Ms. Mowz: Well I haven't found it, so I will jump out the window.

Fred Fredburger: Is that legal?

Ms. Mowz: No, I just have mental problems.

Ms. Mowz jumps out the window.


Mario: Weird. Ooh, pie!

He eats the pie next to him and recovers all HP and gets a sugar rush.


Mario destroys everything in his path until he gets to the bridge.

Paratroopa: Hey, look, Mario! DIE!

He charges into him but crashes into the wall.

Mario: Uuh.

Mario then goes up a seemingly endless tower, and it's even worse because for the whole walk Fred Fredburger is singing.


Mario: Shut up!

They then enter Hooktail's room.

Hooktail: You cannot defeat me!

Mario: I challenge you to a game of charades! Guess what I am. CRICKET! CRICKET!

Hooktail: No, the dreaded cricket! I ate it and got food poisoning!

Fred Fredburger: Really?

Hooktail: No, but I might!

Hooktail faints.

Mario: You're right. It's a cricket. Huh, wait. Yay, he's dead!

Fred Fredburger: This calls for a song.

He starts singing badly.


Then, Hooktail spits out a Crystal Star.

Mario: YAY!



X-Naut: Sir Grodus, we found the princess.

Grodus: Great, now lock her up where she can escape and be able to go into TEC's room, who can help her.

X-Naut: Yes sir!

They lock her up in that room where she goes and meets the super computer TEC-XX.

TEC: You want to send an Email, right?

Peach: No.

Tec: Yes you do! You must first tell me what love is.

Peach: Well, love is, uumm... um... It's a thing that make you throw up at night.

TEC: Um, okay. You may send your Email.

Peach: What's an Email?

Tec: I don't know.


Bowser: All right! I have been told to sit on the throne, but instead of sitting my big fat butt down now, I'll just talk to all of my troops for no reason.

He does that and he finally sits down, when Kammy comes in.

Kammy: Hi, I'm having a tea party so what do you want, oh and the princess has been captured but that's not important now.

Bowser: Hey! No one can kidnap the princess unless I say so.

Kammy: Actually, he asked you, but you were drunk so you said yes.

Bowser: We have to rescue her!

Kammy: Why?

Bowser: Because she owes me a dollar.

They both fly off into the night sky.

Read on!

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