Chapter 2: 3 Days of Excess
Last time Mario beat up people for... stuff... Now to Peach.
Peach: What do you want, TEC-XX?
TEC-XX: ... Please call me TEC.
Peach: Ok. What do you want, TEC?
TEC: To dance.
Peach: Why?
TEC: I'm bored.
Peach: Ok...
TEC: I made a hologram you can dance with.
TEC makes a hologram of Peach appear.
Peach: Eew! That is a disgusting hologram!
TEC: ... That's you...
Peach: ... I knew that...
Peach touches the hologram, but it disappears.
TEC: AHHHHH!!! YOU DESTROYED THE HOLOGRAM!
TEC self-destructs.
Peach: ... I wonder if I can type a message...
Peach types an
Email, and it sends!
Bowser...
Bowser: I'm lost...
Kammy: Sir, we're in Petal Meadows!
Bowser: HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH?!
Kammy: I got it from this brochure!
Bowser: Oh, ok then...
Bowser comes across a river...
Bowser: ... What should I do?
Kammy: Use that guy you fired, then rehired?
Bowser: The crazy one?
Kammy: Yeah, that guy.
Bowser: New General!
Crazy: Hi!
Bowser: ... Why did I promote you to general again?
Crazy: I gave you free access to my fun land...
Bowser: Which is...?
Crazy: My carnival...
Bowser: Which is...?
Crazy: ...
Bowser: Oh, I see now!
Kammy: Do what the lord tells you!
Crazy: Which is...?
Kammy: Help him cross the river!
Crazy: Which is...?
Kammy: ...
Crazy: Oh, I see now! Super Fist of the Wobble-Wobble! Stretchy Arms and Legs!
Bowser: Yay! A bridge!
Bowser crosses... then I fall into the river...
Crazy: AHHHHHHHH! I STILL CAN'T SWIM!
Nibbles: I'll help you if you give me candy.
Crazy: Ok.
Nibbles: Yay!
Back to Bowser...
Bowser: Wait, why did we come here?
Kammy: I don't know...
Bowser: ... WARP!
Bowser warps to Rogueport Docks.
Kammy: I went to Glitzville!
Bowser: I went swimming...
Kammy: Good for you!
Bowser: ...
Back to Mario...
Mario: TO THE THOUSAND-YEAR DOOR!
Yoshi: I'M A GREEN YOSHI!
Mario: ... So?
Yoshi: Just telling the readers so they don't get confused on what color I am.
Mario: Ok.
Mario gets on the pedestal, then Yoshi covers his eyes.
The Thousand-Year Door: LIGHT SHOW!
Mario: GAH! MY EYES! ... AGAIN!
The Thousand-Year Door: GO TO... POSHLEY HEIGHTS!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go to what's his name's house.
What's his name: I told you, I'm Frankly. Now to get to Poshley Heights, you have to go back to Don Pianta.
Mario: No way!
Fruit: Then you have to find another train!
Mario: Train?!
Fruit: ... You know a guy, don't you...?
Mario: Hmm...
*Flashback!*
Old King Coal: Ok! You can use my train! Don't you dare scratch anything, as I just polished!
KABOOM!
*End of Flashback!*
Fruit: Ah!
Mario: Now to find his train!
Fruit: I heard it's called, Chuffy... and I'm Frankly!
Mario: Ok.
Mario and Co. go to the Rogueport Train Station and find the train.
Mario: O_O
Old King Coal: Isn't it a beautiful train?
Mario looks at an old-fashioned-styled train, while next to it is a fancy train.
Mario: Chuffy is old...
Old King Coal: What? Oh! I sold him to buy out the Excess Express! That's my train now!
Mario: The fancy one?
Old King Coal: Yes!
Mario: Yay!
Mario and Co. get on.
Day 1...
Mario: ... I'm bored...
Pennington: Then help me solve a mystery!
Mario: AHH! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!
Pennington: Magic. Now be my Watson and help me solve the mystery of the missing pot from the kitchen! There's a soup trail that leads to Room 003, but that's not where the pot is!
Mario: ... Says who?
Pennington: Heff T! The occupant of that room! A fat one, too!
Mario: ...
Mario goes to Room 003 and finds Heff T. with the pot on his head.
Mario: ...
Pennington: See? The pot isn't here!
Mario: ... Then what's the thing on his head?
Pennington: A pot! Why?
Mario: ... Is that the pot?
Pennington: Yes it is! But it isn't in here!
Mario: You confuse me...
Pennington: The pot is in here! But it's not here!
Heff T: I have the pot on my head.
Pennington: I found it! Why didn't you help, Luigi?
Mario: ... I'm Mario...
Pennington: LIAR! Come, Luigi! We shall go to my room for milk and cookies!
Mario: ...
Mario follows Pennington to his cabin, which is number 006.
Mario: How many rooms are on this train?
Pennington: 8!
Mario: ... Then why do the rooms have to be labeled 00, then the cabin number?
Pennington: Do not question things you cannot understand!
Mario: ...
Pennington: Go to Cabin 008! Or I'll devour your soul!!!
Mario: O.O
Mario and Co. run to Cabin 008 and find a Bob-omb family.
Gold Bob-omb: I'm Goldbob, richest Bob-omb in the world! Hi Gonzales!
Mario: How do you know my Glitz Pit name?
Goldbob: We were there!
Sylvia: It's true!
Bub: I want the engineer's autograph for my birthday present!
Goldbob: I say we buy him a car, or the Moon!
Sylvia: No way! We buy Bub the 100% Educational Book on Education!
Goldbob: No! That's boring!
Sylvia: No! It's fun!
Goldbob: No! Education is boring!
Bub: ...
Mario: ...
Bub: Can you get it?
Mario: Ok.
Bub: Thanks, Mister!
Mario and Co. leave the room.
Mario: I'm not going to the other side of the train to get a stinking autograph! I'm forging one!
Mario makes an autograph of the engineer. Then Mario goes back in and gives it to Bub.
Mario: Here you go!
Bub: Thanks! But I know it's a forgery!
Mario: O.O How did you know?
Bub: HA! Got you! Now get me the REAL engineer's autograph!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go to the conductor.
Conductor: DO YOU MIND?! I'M DRIVING THE TRAIN!
Mario: Can you give us an autograph?
Conductor: NO!
Mario: Why?
Conductor: Because I already made dozens of autographs over in that pile!
The conductor points to a pile of autographs.
Mario: ...
Mario takes one and gives it to Bub.
Bub: Thanks, Mister! Here is a reward!
Mario got a Shine Sprite!
Mario: ... What does it do?
Bub: I don't know!
Mario: ...
Mario goes back to his cabin, but...
Conductor: So any news on the sticky yummy threat?
Mario: What sticky yummy threat?
Conductor: The one that was in your room!
Mario: Huh?
Oh right, I forgot about the threat...
Mario: ...
Conductor: I'll just say you got it in a deleted scene.
Mario: Ok.
Conductor: Also, one blanket is missing!
Mario: Are you the only sane person here?
Conductor: Maybe... Now can you find the blanket?
Mario: Ok.
Conductor: Thanks! I think it's in Cabin 004!
Mario and Co. go to Cabin 004 and find...
Jelly Jiggler: Hello there!
Mario: Huh? Isn't a ghost supposed to live here?
Jelly Jiggler: No! Now if you don't mind, I'm helping the boss find me!
Mario: ... What boss?
Crazy: JELLY!
Jelly Jiggler: Yeah, Boss?
Crazy: Did you find you yet?
Jelly Jiggler: Not yet! All I found was a blanket!
Mario: GIMME THE BLANKET!
Jelly Jiggler: Then get my Poem Book in the baggage car! I wrote it with my soul!
Mario: Wait. If your boss is the author, and he helped Bowser cross the river, how did he get here so fast? And how do I know about what Bowser did?
Crazy: Magic.
Mario: For which answer?
Crazy: Both.
Mario: Ok.
Mario and Co. go to the guy that's in front of the baggage car, who is also the guy who lost the blanket Jelly Jiggler has.
Mario: Can I enter?
Conductor: Are you here to find something?
Mario: Yes.
Conductor: Ok.
Mario and Co. enter and find the book, which is called Jelly Jiggler's Poems of Pain.
Mario: Hmm... I wonder what he wrote in it...
Mario reads it.
Mario: "Heartache, By Jelly Jiggler. My heart is oh so brittle, with cracks that are big and little. My agony is like a river, like a pizza place that won't deliver. Anguish and pain in my soul..."
Then Jelly Jiggler barges in.
Jelly Jiggler: AHHHHHHHHH!!! STOP IT NOW! STOP READING THAT! IT'S FROM MY SOUL!
Mario: ...
Jelly Jiggler: ... Anyways, here is the blanket.
Mario obtains a Blanket!
Mario: Thanks!
Jelly Jiggler: Now I can go back to finding me!
Jelly Jiggler goes back to Cabin 004.
Mario: ...
Conductor: Thanks, Mario!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go back to their cabin.
Mario: BED!
Mario goes to sleep.
Day 1 Ended
Day 2...
Mario: Zzz...
Conductor: (via intercom, in a loud voice that can even make a deaf person hear) EVERYONE WAKE UP! RIVERSIDE STATION IS COMING SOON! AND MARIO, FIND THE WAITRESS' SHELL EARRINGS AND TOODLES'S GOLD RING!
Mario: GAH!!! I'M DEAF!
Goombella: No you're not.
Mario: I know.
Yoshi: We know too.
Mario and Co. go to Toodles and the Waitress.
Waitress: I don't know who took my earrings, but I saw something blue!
Toodles: I smelled lychee.
Mario: Hmm... I don't know who...
Yoshi: Hmm... I don't know either...
Goombella: IDIOTS!
Yoshi: What?
Goombella: It was General Jelly Jiggler!
Mario: Why would he steal both?
Waitress: I didn't smell lychee!
Goombella: ... Then it's the author and Jelly Jiggler who stole the items!
Mario and Co. go to Cabin 004.
Jelly Jiggler: I just love eating dried clams!
Crazy: SHINY RING!
Mario: ... That explains why the author stole the ring, it was shiny. And why Jelly Jiggler stole the shell earrings...
Jelly Jiggler: If you want them back, then you have to fight us!
Mario: Why?
Crazy: Because this chapter doesn't have any mini-boss battles, only a boss battle.
Mario: Oh.
MINI-BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 30 HP
Yoshi: 10 HP
Vs.
Jelly Jiggler:
40 HP
Crazy: 50 HP
Mario: ... We can't do anything to the author since he has that crown that makes him a spike enemy, and he's a Paratroopa... so attack Jelly Jiggler!
Jelly Jiggler: Super Fist of the Wobble-Wobble: Have a Taste of This!
Jelly Jiggler absorbs Mario.
Crazy: Can you absorb him completely?
Jelly Jiggler: No! I'm not quite big enough for that!
Everyone: ...
Crazy: Super Fist of the Wobble-Wobble: Fresh Jelly Roll!
Crazy turns into jelly.
Everyone: ...
Mario: ... Super
Hammer!
Jelly Jiggler:
0 HP!
Crazy: 0 HP!
Mario: Huh?
They have -23,486,723,615,725,439,832 Defense when Crazy is in jelly form, and Jelly Jiggler is always in jelly form.
Mario: Oh...
END OF MINI-BOSS BATTLE!
Crazy: Here is your stuff!
Mario obtains the Shell Earrings and a Gold Ring!
Mario: Ok.
Mario and Co. return the items.
Waitress and Toodles: Thanks!
Conductor: (via intercom, in a loud voice that can even make a deaf person hear) HEY EVERYONE! WE'RE LANDING IN RIVERSIDE STATION!
Ratooey Businessman: What about my briefcase?!
Conductor: ... I don't even know you...
Ratooey Businessman: Oh, ok then.
Mario and Co. exit the train.
Conductor: MARIO! Someone put the bridge up!
Mario: Ok.
Conductor: GO INTO THE STATION AND PUT IT DOWN!
Mario: Why me?
Conductor: ... Should you really be asking?
Mario: ... Yes...
Conductor: It's because the author found his new rival! And now he's going to fight him now!
Mario: O_o? The author found a rival?
Crazy: YOU!!!
MC Ballyhoo: Yes, me!
Crazy: YOU MUST DIE!
*Insert cartoon dust cloud here.*
Mario and Co. run into the station... even though it's locked...
Mario: So... much... lychee... flavored... jelly... everywhere...
Yoshi: Let's find the switch to the bridge!
Mario: Yeah...
Mario and Co. enter through a few rooms and enter a room filled with gears.
Mario: Hmm...
Goombella: AHH! WE DON'T HAVE THE TUBE CURSE!
Mario: So?
Goombella: WE CAN'T CONTINUE!
Then the gears go up so the tube passage can be entered without using the Tube Curse.
Mario: ...
Goombella: ... Never mind.
Mario and Co. continue and take the key and go on through to the area outside.
Poison Pokeys: DIE!
Then Ruff Puffs appear behind Mario and Co.
Ruff Puffs: You ignored us! DIE!
The Ruff Puffs and Poison Pokeys charge at Mario and Co, but they step aside and the enemies crash into each other and die.
Mario: Lame!
Mario and Co. continue until they meet a wall covered with posters.
Yoshi: AHH! WE DON'T HAVE FLURRIE!
Mario: So?
Yoshi: WE CAN'T CONTINUE!
Mario: ...
Yoshi: That's what this guy said!
Yoshi throws an Ember enemy at the wall and burns the posters.
Mario: Where did that Ember come from?
Yoshi: Do you really have to ask?
Mario: ... Why do I ask if I always get the same answer?
Mario and Co. continue and eventually enter a room with Spiky Parabuzzy Beetles.
Spiky Parabuzzy Beetles: DIE!
The Spiky Parabuzzy Beetles charge toward Mario, but they crash into the floor somehow and make a hole in the floor for Mario and Co. to enter.
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. continue and find a room filled with Goombas! One wearing a crown...
Goomba with Crown: I am...
Mario: The Goomba King?
Goomba with Crown: ... No... I'm the Pringles King!
Mario: ...
Yoshi: ...
Goombella: ...
Pringles King: ... I'll be going back to Larry's Adventure now.
The Pringles King leaves.
Other Goombas: We call for an RPG battle!
REGULAR BATTLE! THIS TITLE NEVER APPEARED BEFORE!
Mario: 30 HP
Yoshi: 10 HP
Vs.
Goomba: 2 HP
Goomba: 2 HP
Goomba: 2 HP
Mario: Super Hammer!
Goomba: 0 HP!
Goomba: 1 HP
Goomba: 1 HP
Yoshi: Gulp!
Goomba: 0 HP!
Goomba: 0 HP!
END OF REGULAR BATTLE! THIS TITLE NEVER APPEARED EITHER!
Goombas: RUN AWAY!
The Goombas run away. Then the 3 boxes open and reveal 3 switches with the numbers 3, 10, and 1 in that order.
Switches: Can YOU solve our puzzle?
Mario: ...
Mario hits the switches the correct amount of times.
Switches: Congratulations! NOW GO AWAY!
Mario and Co. enter the next room and find a large chest. Mario opens it and obtains the Ultra Boots!
Mario: Ultra Boots exist on Plit?
Goombella: Yes they do!
Mario: ...
Oops... I forgot to give you the Ultra Boots in the prequel.
Mario: ... That's stupid...
Toadette appears.
Mario: Oh DAD...
Toadette: Training!
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
59,664,598,689,567,394,734,895,638,576,348,756,387,465,348,658,435,678,393,765,389,456,390 lessons about the Ultra Boots later...
Mario: In... my... happy... place...
Goombella: ...
Mario: I'm better now!
Yoshi: I found the Elevator Key!
Mario: Ok.
Mario and Co. go back to the entrance and find the elevator and enter.
*Insert Elevator Music here!*
Mario: Finally!
Smorgs: SMORG!
Mario: ... BACK! I GOT SOAP!
Smorgs: SMORG!!!
The Smorgs run away and reveal a switch.
Goombella: That must be the switch to the bridge!
Mario flips it, but it makes stairs appear.
Mario: ... What was the point in making this switch? They should have put the bridge switch here!
Mario goes up the stairs and presses another switch, which lowers the bridge.
Mario: Let's go!
Mario and Co. exit the station.
Crazy: FINALLY! I HAVE DEFEATED THE EVIL ONE!
Mario: ... Don't want to know.
Mario and Co. go back on the train.
Day 2 Ended
Day 3...
Mario: Zzz...
Mario and Co. wake up.
Mario: COVER YOUR EARS!
Everyone covers their ears.
...
Mario: ... What? No announcement?
Mario and Co. go to the Engineer.
Engineer: What?
Mario: Everything is too quiet.
Then a Smorg clings to the window.
Everyone: ...
Then Smorgs cover the entire train.
Engineer: Find the passengers!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go to the Baggage Car.
Smorgs: SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORG!
Mario: I have even more soap!
Smorgs: SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORG!
The Smorgs flee.
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go to the roof of the train and find the passengers trapped in Smorg Miasmas.
Passengers: HELP! THIS STUFF ITCHES!
BOSS BATTLE!
Mario: 30 HP
Yoshi: 10 HP
Vs.
Smorg: 50 HP
Smorg Miasma:
5 HP
Smorg Miasma:
5 HP
Smorg Miasma:
5 HP
Mario: We can't fight without anything to destroy those things! And I don't want to jump on them!
Crazy and Jelly Jiggler appear with cannons.
Mario: Huh?
Crazy: GET IN HERE!
Jelly Jiggler stuffs Mario and Co. into the cannon and fires it at the Smorg.
Crazy: We're also sending you weapons!
BOOM!
Mario: Huh?
Pitchforks, arrows, spears, and other pointy weapons get fired to Mario and Co.
Mario and Co: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OW! AHHHHHHH! OW! AHHHHHHHH! OW! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!
Jelly Jiggler: We're sending you another weapon!
BOOM!
Mario: Huh?
A two-story house is approaching Mario and Co.
Mario and Co: A TWO-STORY HOUSE ISN'T A WEAPON!
Mario and Co. dodge and the house lands on Smorg.
Smorg: 40 HP
Smorg Miasma:
0 HP
Smorg Miasma:
0 HP
Smorg Miasma:
0 HP
Mario: ... You
know what? I'm going to jump now. SPRING JUMP!
Smorg: 30 HP
Yoshi: Switch!
Yoshi switches
with Goombella.
Goombella: Happies! I finally get to battle after a long time!
Smorg: SMORG!
Goombella: Meep...
Mario: Wow, this was the most stupid battle out of any of the author's stories... and it didn't even end yet!
Goombella: Hey, why have we been floating this whole time and not falling?
Mario: Magic. Hey! That's the first time I got to say that! Now to kill the Smorg!
Goombella: Headbonk!
Smorg: 28 HP
Smorg: ...
Mario: ... SPRING
JUMP!
Smorg: 18 HP
Goombella: Headbonk!
Smorg: 16 HP
Smorg: SMORG!
Smorg has made
a new Piranha Plant-like Smorg Miasma!
Smorg Miasma:
10 HP
Mario: O_o?
Smorg: SMOOOOOOOOOORG!
Mario: 20 HP
Goombella: 0
HP!!!
Mario: O_O
Yoshi switches with Goombella.
Mario: SPRING
JUMP!
Smorg Miasma:
0 HP!
Yoshi: Ground
Pound!
Smorg: 13 HP
Smorg: ...
Mario: SPRING
JUMP!
Smorg: 3 HP
Yoshi: Ground
Pound!
Smorg: 0 HP!
Smorg: SMOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggg...
BOOM!
END OF BOSS BATTLE!
Smorg: Smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorg...
The Smorgs sprout wings and fly away.
Mario: What?
I mean, the Smorgs get blown away in the wind since they aren't sticking to the train anymore and they are weightless, now that everyone escaped.
Mario: Ok.
Mario and Co. and the passengers go back in the train.
Conductor: Thank you, Mario! But the princess is in another castle!
Mario: Why do I need to know about the princess right now?
Conductor: Sorry! Force of habit!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go back to their room.
Conductor: (via intercom, in a loud voice that can even make a deaf person hear) HEY EVERYONE! WE MADE IT TO POSHLEY HEIGHTS! GET OUT OF THE TRAIN, YOU LAZY FREELOADERS!
Everyone leaves the train.
Mario: Wow... People must be rich to live here!
Goombella: People here ARE rich!
Person from inside a house: HEY YOU! STACHE!
Mario: What?
Person from inside a house: Can you give me money? I'm poor!
Everyone else in Poshley Heights: We're poor too!
Mario and Co: ...
Mario and Co. continue and find Poshley Sanctum.
Mario: Why are we here?
Yoshi: The Crystal Star is here!
Mario: How do you know?
Yoshi: This brochure!
Mario: ... Why does everyone say they got information from a brochure?
Yoshi: New joke!
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. go in front of the sanctum, but find out it's locked.
Mario: Dang!
Pennington: I like cake!
Mario: Huh?
Crazy: Don't worry about him.
Mario: ... He's stupider then usual...
Crazy: That's because I used my uncle's assistant's brainwashing power to brainwash him into a complete idiot.
Pennington: CAKE!
Mario: Who is your uncle? And who is his assistant?
Crazy: Count Bleck! His assistant is Nastasia! Why?
Mario and Co: O.O
Everyone: O.O
Mario: HOW ARE YOU RELATED TO COUNT BLECK?!
Crazy: It's a
LONG story! You see......my dad's side..........................then he.......................................................................................................................................................................my
grandma said....................................................................................................
Hours later...
Crazy: .................................And that is how I'm related to Count Bleck!
Mario and Co: Zzzzzzzzzz...
Crazy: ... Why does everyone sleep when I tell them that story?!
Mario: Huh? WAH! WE HAVE NO WAY IN!
Mailbox SP: MAIL!
For some reason after the Mailbox SP said Mail, every single window in the Sanctum breaks.
Mario: ...
Mail: Dear Mario, I know a stupid computer named TEC. Find me now, or I'll kill you. Signed, Princess Peach.
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. jump through a broken window and find a Crystal Star on a pedestal with a sign next to it.
Sign: This is a Red Herring.
The Shadow Sirens appear.
Beldam: Ok, we want the Crystal Star!
Marilyn: GUH!
Vivian: What they said!
Mario: But this isn't... I mean... Sure! Take it!
Beldam: Uhh... Thanks?
Marilyn: GUH!
Vivian: I think Marilyn is right! It probably is a fake!
Beldam: Don't make me punish you! If they say it's real, it's real! Heroes never lie! Says this book titled, "The Laws of Heroes and Villains"!
Vivian: ...
The Shadow Sirens leave.
Mario: Where is the real star?
Yoshi: In the painting, why?
Mario: ... How do you know?
Goombella: We've been reading an Internet guide...
Mario: ...
Mario and Co. find a switch and enter the pipe that the switch made. Inside the painting is a bunch of Boos.
Dark Dark Boo: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Mario: You're not in this story!
Dark Dark Boo: Sorry. I got lost.
The Dark Dark Boo leaves to a Super Paper Mario game.
Mario: There! The Crystal Star!
Mario and Co. approach it.
Yoshi: Wait!
Yoshi and Goombella cover their eyes.
Mario: I'm not falling for that!
Mario covers his eyes and grabs the Star, but the light show doesn't happen.
Mario: Huh?
Mario uncovers his eyes.
Crystal Star: LIGHT SHOW!
Lights blind Mario.
Mario: GAH! I'M BLIND! ... FOR THE THIRD TIME!
Crystal Star: I let you use Showstopper!
END OF CHAPTER:
Why does the Count Bleck story make people fall asleep? Why didn't the light show start until Mario uncovered his eyes? Why wasn't Ghost T. in this? Did Jelly Jiggler ever find himself? ... Uhh... Why am I still asking these questions? Find out in Chapter 3: The Key to Pirates!